Original subtitles

[theme music]

Hi, love.

Hi, darling.

You're home early.

That's right.

I'm home early.

Honey, sweetheart, when-- when a--

when a fellow comes home early, he expects his wife to--

he expects his wife to--

his wife expects?

Sweetheart!

Oh.

Oh, angel, why didn't you tell me before?

Tell you what?

Tell me what?

Why, you adorable sneak.

Are you or are you not knitting baby booties?

Yes.

And when you knit baby booties, you expect a baby,

right?

Yes.

You mean--

No!

What are you making them to keep my nose warm?

What do you mean no?

Oh, honey, they're for Charley and Bunny's baby.

Oh.

Oh, what's the matter?

You're not disappointed, are you?

Well, no.

No.

No, I mean, after all, a woman your age--

What about my age?

Nothing, honey.

I-- I didn't mean it that way.

I mean, what I mean is that when a woman gets a little older,

she doesn't-- what I mean is honey, you're not old.

To me, you're young.

You know that.

I think you're very young.

I mean, you've been young a long time.

Sweetheart, do you mind if I shut up?

It's so hard to talk with my foot in my mouth.

Baby, I-- you know I love you.

I adore you.

Kathy, listen.

Where are you guys going?

Are you moving out or something

No.

No, we're gonna gift wrap this.

Gift wrap it?

But isn't that the chest I made for you?

Uh-huh.

And I'm gonna give it away.

You're gonna give it away?

Uh-huh.

After I toiled and labored with a hammer

and saw for weeks on this thing?

You realize how much of my blood and sweat and tears

went into this chest?

That's because you were clumsy with the saw.

You stay out of this.

Well, it so happens I'm very proud of this chest.

Daddy, I'm proud of it too.

That's why I'm going to give it to Aunt Bunny,

so her baby can have the very best.

Oh.

Oh, wow.

You're gonna give it to Aunt Bunny.

It will certainly be put to good use.

You really want to give it to the baby?

Uh-huh.

I think that's--

that's very sweet of you.

Yes, it is, isn't it?

I'm proud of you, dear.

You should be proud of me, too, Dad.

I'm giving the baby something.

What are you giving the baby?

A bagel.

A bagel?

A bagel for the baby?

Uh-huh.

Makes a great teething ring.

Oh, Russ.

Have you ever tried to bite into one of these?

Never mind.

[doorbell chimes]

Having a baby is a very sacred thing.

You don't gag it up with bagels.

[interposing voices]

So write him a letter and tell him to stay away!

Oh, Charley, for heaven's sakes,

let's just not discuss it anymore.

It's not that important. - Hi, Charley.

It's important to me.

It's my-- my baby's nursery.

And I don't want your brother butting in.

He is just trying to be helpful, Charley.

I don't need his help.

I'm perfectly capable of doing it myself.

Hello, Charley!

What are you doing here?

Well, we paid the rent for the month.

We figured we may as well stick it out.

How do you like that.

We were arguing so much I thought we were in our house.

What's the argument all about, Charley?

Well, I'll tell you what it's all--

Ah! She asked me.

You wouldn't tell me the truth.

Oh, so now I'm a liar.

Oh, Charley.

Oh, Bunny, I want--

[interposing voices]

Hey, hey.

Will you cut it out?

Shame on you two.

Yes, and in front of the children too.

Oh, I didn't-- hi, kids.

I'm sorry. - Me too.

I'm-- I'm--

Russ, take that wrapping paper upstairs.

So you'll do it later, huh?

- Oh. - Go ahead.

Go on.

Gee whiz, just when it's getting good, too.

Never mind. Go on.

Getting going. Get going.

Get going. - Can't we stay?

We want to watch the fight?

Who's fighting?

We never fight!

They're not fighting.

It's just a simple discussion.

Sounds more like a simple fight to me.

Get out. Get you, will ya, please?

Just run along.

Run along.

I bet on Aunt Bunny!

Oh, will you get out of here.

Aren't they darling?

Think we're fighting.

Isn't that cute.

Kids today.

[interposing voices]

I got my own plans.

- [inaudible] - Yeah, but I got--

I got a mind of my own.

Shh-shh, hold it.

Hold it.

Hold it.

What's the argument about?

I'll tell you what--

[inaudible] Let her tell it.

I'll tell you what it's all about.

He is steaming.

This little Napoleon is absolutely

steaming because my brother Harry, my saintly brother

Harry, has offered to redecorate our spare room

and make it into a nursery.

That's what this is all about.

Why should that make you so mad?

Why?

Because if anybody's going to decorate my baby's nursery

it's going to be me.

And if her dear saintly brother Harry

wants you to decorate a nursery, let him

go out and have his own baby.

You are going to decorate the nursery?

Yeah.

You, 10-thumbs Charley?

Ho, ho, ho, that's a very funny remark coming from

America's number-two comic.

Now, Charley.

What do you mean 10-thumbs Charley?

I am as handy as you are, any day.

Oh, you just stuck your chin out that time, dad.

Step into my library.

Hmm?

Take a look at that work of art.

Mm-hmm.

What is it?

What is it?

How do you live with this man?

It's a beautiful chest, belongs to Linda.

Yeah, so?

So-- and who do you suppose made that masterpiece?

Who?

Only the talented head of this household.

Kathy, when did you find the time?

It wasn't Kathy.

I made it. - You made it?

I don't believe it. DANNY: With these two--

Kathy, who made this chest?

You dear.

Well, that only proves one thing.

Huh?

If a schnook like him can make a thing that good,

then I can decorate a nursery?

What do you mean schnook?

Oh, honey.

Honey, listen, honestly, I appreciate

your interest, honest Injun.

But-- but honey don't you see this is our first baby.

And I want everything to be perfect.

So please, oh, please, let's have it done the right way.

Right way.

You mean if I do it it's the wrong way?

Oh, no, Charley, I--

No!

You said-- no, no, don't, don't, don't.

I see. I see.

I'm nothing.

I'm in the way.

Maybe I'll go out and take a long walk.

If you're lucky, I'll walk into an open manhole.

I'll be washed out into the sea.

I'll be eaten up by sharks.

And then maybe everybody will be happy.

[clapping]

I think you're making such a big thing.

I can straighten it out for you.

Let Charley decorate the nursery.

Oh, but Dan--

But with expert qualified help.

Now, what time shall we start tomorrow?

I would say about--

why do I need you for?

Now, look--

Danny, I can do it alone.

Remember what they say.

Two heads are better than one.

And 20 thumbs are better than 10.

Well, what do you know, pleats.

DANNY: Charley?

Yeah, Dan. DANNY: Where are you?

I'm here.

I'm here in the nursery!

DANNY: Where?

Here in the nursery!

[knocking]

Come in. Oh, no!

No!

Wait a minute.

Wait, Dan.

Wait.

Woo-hoo.

Just-- come on in, Dan.

How ya-- how ya like that?

I'm so mixed up.

I-- I thought that that was a closet door

and this was the door to the nursery.

What?

How could anybody be stupid enough to paper a door?

I did it on purpose.

You were stupid on purpose?

Yeah, I was gonna--

I was gonna cut around that when it was all finished.

And it's easier to trim the corners that way.

Oh.

Hmm.

How do you like when I did so far?

Hmm?

How do you think my baby will like it?

Do you mind if I make a suggestion?

What?

You know, when the baby is born, don't bring it home.

I mean, let it grow up in the hospital.

You don't think my baby will like it?

Charley, let me put it this way.

You're gonna have the first baby ever to run away from home

at the age of one week.

Has Bunny seen this mess?

No, I sent her over to your house.

I don't want her to inhale the paint fumes.

Don't you like the wallpaper?

Isn't it kind of dark in here?

Well, that's only in the morning, see.

Later on in the afternoon, it's different when the sun

streams through that window.

What window?

You didn't.

I guess I did.

Oh, but don't worry.

I'll cut around it, the same as the door.

I'll cut.

Where is it?

I know it was here.

It was here just before. I know it.

[taps the wall]

You lost the window?

I didn't lose it.

I just misplaced it.

I mean, I'll find it later.

Are you sure your wife's at our house?

Yeah, why?

I thought maybe you papered her in, too.

You know, you'd cut around her later.

Danny, would you do me a favor?

Save your jokes for the club.

I thought you came here to help me.

I did. Where can I put my things?

There in the closet.

Gee.

How do you like that?

Come on, that's enough.

Now we're even. Let's cut it out.

Yeah, we're even. Mine was accident.

You did it on purpose! - What's the difference?

Forget it. - Jeez.

Acting like a kid. Now, come on, let's get to work.

Yeah, let's start laying the linoleum.

All right.

You lay the linoleum.

I'll finish painting the door.

Look at the streaks on there.

[MIMICKING] [inaudible] painting the door.

Big deal.

Giving orders now.

Talking to me like-- like-- like I don't know what I'm doing.

Oh, boy.

[glass breaks]

You know what you're doing, huh?

I found the window, didn't I?

Oh.

All right.

[inaudible] Oh, no.

No.

Ah.

[inaudible] Shwhew!

Ah.

[grunting] Eh?

Heh!

Well, Dan, what do you think of it?

Well, Charley, If I were an interior decorator

I would say that this room is--

what's the word?

Chic?

No, that's not the word.

Modern?

No, no, that's not it.

Magnificent?

You're going in the wrong direction.

Why do you have to say things like?

Why do you have to be such a wet blanket?

It's disgusting.

That's the word.

Now, come on, it's not so bad.

No, it's not bad.

You're right.

Couple of things could help it.

Like what?

Gasoline and a match.

Nah, it's a mess.

You're right.

You're right.

I'm just a clumsy schnook.

I wanted to do something nice for my kid

with my own two hands.

And I wind up with a modern version of a city dump.

I'm a schnook.

Come on.

Come on.

What's the matter with you?

It isn't that bad?

It's really nice.

I was only kidding, making jokes.

You know me, always punching, America's number-two comic.

Come on. - Yes.

It's no use, Danny.

I got eyes in my head.

I can see it's a mess.

Look-- look at the paint.

It's all streaked.

That's because it's wet.

I guarantee you by tomorrow you won't see any streaks at all.

That's right.

I'll be in Mexico.

No!

You got to give these things time to set.

That's all. Everything'll be fine.

Sure.

What about-- what about the bumps in the floor?

That's because the glue hasn't said yet.

We'll press it down.

When we put the furniture down on it, it'll hold it down.

Believe me, everything will be fine.

Mm-hmm.

How-- how about the wallpaper?

It'll smooth out when it dries.

And if there's some bad spots, we'll hang pictures on it.

It'll be good.

Look, it's like the chest I made for Linda.

When I first made it, it looked lopsided to me.

And then overnight, when the glue set real good

and the paint got all the streaks out,

it was perfect, just like you saw it.

Believe me, this is going to be fine.

- You really think so? - I'm sure of it.

Now, come on.

Let's put the furniture back.

Yeah, no, Dan, no, no.

[inaudible]

And besides we don't have to do it.

The janitor will do it.

I'll slip him a couple of bucks, and he'll brush up and clean up

and you know, put on the finishing touches.

Well, good.

You and I'll go to the club and have

a shower and a steam and a rub.

And then you and Bunny spend the night at our house.

And tomorrow we'll bring the women over

and show them what you did, OK?

Wait a minute.

What do you mean what I did?

What we did!

All right, what we did.

Come on.

Come in, Kathy.

Oh, Bunny, I still don't think we should have come here.

We should have given the boys a chance to finish.

And besides, I'm not at all sure these paint fumes

are going to be good for you.

Well, I just can't help it, Kathy.

The suspense is killing me.

I've got to see that room.

Ooh, I still think I should have let my brother do it.

I mean, he's experienced in things like this.

He's always building and fixing things.

He's awfully good with his hands.

And that's just why Charley wants to do it.

He wants to show you that he's good with his hands too.

All husbands feel that way.

Well, Kathy, if he is so proud of his hands,

let him go out and do detergent commercials.

I want him to leave that baby's nursery alone.

Oh, Bunny, wait a minute.

You-- you shouldn't have such a defeatist attitude.

I mean, give the poor guys the benefit of the doubt.

I mean, it's liable to turn out beautiful.

You know, I bet we're in for a real surprise.

Oh, you know, you may be right.

Come on, let's go see.

[screams]

Oh!

[cries]

Oh, Bunny!

Oh, you poor thing.

Oh, how could he?

How could my goony husband do something like this?

Well, it was easy.

He had help from my goony husband.

[screams]

[shrieks]

[inaudible] the wallpaper, the window, and an ant hill!

Kathy, doggone it!

I was counting on Danny to keep things in line here.

You were?

Yes.

I mean, he's-- he's just not as helpless as Charley is.

He's not?

Ho!

Well, I mean, after all, he made that--

that beautiful chest.

[LAUGHING] Oh, Bunny!

- Kathy? - Oh, really?

You mean he didn't make that chest?

Oh, Bunny, when Danny finished that

chest it was a 24-carat mess.

Oh, well, Kathy, don't be silly.

I've seen it. It's gorgeous.

Oh, sure, because after he went off to work

I called Mr. Olson, and he fixed it all up for me.

Mr. Olson?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, he's a wonderful old man, Bunny.

And he can do absolutely anything around the house.

Oh.

So he took it, and he reshaped it,

and he put it together again.

And Danny never even knew the difference.

Oh, now, Kathy, you can't tell me

that Danny didn't realize you'd had

the thing done all over again.

Bunny, you're forgetting something.

What?

The ever-loving male ego.

They believe only what they want to believe.

And Danny really believes he made that chest.

Hmm.

Where's your phone? You got a phone?

Oh, yes. It's right on the floor.

Oh.

Well, Kathy, what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna call Mr. Olson and get him over here and see

if he can straighten out this room

between now and the morning.

Oh, Kathy, listen, maybe you shouldn't do that.

I mean, well, gee, I don't want to hurt Charley's feelings,

you know.

And I'm sure he meant well when he did this.

And I-- I know he's kind of a knucklehead, but I love him,

and I don't want to hurt his feeling.

Oh, Bunny. Bunny, listen, he won't--

he doesn't even have to know that we were here.

Now--

Well, listen, he's bound to notice a difference

in the room, though, Kathy.

Oh, Bunny, no more than Danny noticed

a difference in the chest.

Remember the male ego.

Nothing is going to keep Charley from taking

credit for a job well done.

Oh.

Hello, Mr. Olson?

Oh.

This is Mrs. Danny Williams.

And I have an emergency redecorating job for you,

and it has to be done tonight.

Yes, tonight.

No, it's not my husband this time.

It's a friend of mine.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, her husband redecorated the nursery.

Yes.

And my husband helped him.

Uh-- uh--

- What's he saying? - Nothing.

He's still laughing.

Come on, fellas, hurry up.

Come on!

Danny!

Come-- oh, come on.

Why are you dragging your feet?

Hurry up.

Oh, I can't wait to see it.

Neither can I.

I can.

Oh, come on.

Let's go.

Not yet!

Maybe it's not dry yet.

You know, it's only been overnight.

Oh, Charley, for heaven's sakes,

of course it's dry by now.

I'll tell you what, why don't we all go

out and have breakfast first.

I think it's better if they see it on an empty stomach.

Oh, Danny, will you stop with the jokes.

I bet it's beautiful.

Oh, I'm dying to see it!

Me too. Come on.

Let's--

Danny-- Danny, since you helped out on this job,

I think that you should have the honor of unveiling it.

You take them in.

Unarmed?

I can't wait any longer. Excuse me.

Oh, no. Come on.

Let's go in.

Eh, don't feel so bad.

The way I look at it, it could have been much worse.

How could it have been worse?

Could have been at my house.

BUNNY: Oh, Charley!

It's beautiful!

KATHY: Why, this is simply adorable!

I've never seen such a stunning room!

What room are they talking about?

BUNNY: Charley Halper, you come in here this minute.

I want to give you a great big hug and kiss.

Don't go.

It's a trap.

Charley, oh, Charley, you're wonderful.

Come on.

Come on with me!

Oh, you boys should be so proud.

It looks like it was done by a professional.

Oh.

Hey.

Hey.

Boy, it looks good!

Boy, that janitor really did a good clean-up job, huh?

Oh, there's nothing my little man can't do when

he says he sets his mind to it.

Or mine either.

Gee, Charley, I didn't know you were so handy.

And you wanted your brother to do it.

Can you imagine what would have happened

if your brother, an amateur like him, would've do his job?

Yeah, he'd have probably papered

over the doors and the windows.

Yeah.

Yeah, and he probably would have left bumps

all through the flooring, there.

I told you, Charley.

It's just a question of drying and setting.

Didn't I tell you?

Same as the chest.

[chuckles]

[laughs]

[laughs]

[chuckles]

[laughs]

[doorbell chimes]

Come in.

It's open.

Oh, hi, Charley. - Hi, Charley.

Hi, Danny, Kathy.

Well, what you got there?

Kathy, I have got a surprise for you.

What kind of a surprise?

Well, you were so happy with what I did for Bunny that I'm

gonna do something for you.

I am gonna redecorate Linda's room.

Hey, that's a good idea.

Now, wait a minute!

I don't need to have Linda's room redecorated.

It's just fine.

Why, you were very happy what I did for the nursery.

I mean, so why not?

Yes, but--

I mean, you said it was a professional job, honey.

Yes, but--

Well, then, don't argue.

Yeah, I think it's a great idea, Charley.

OK, Danny. Let's get started.

Oh, no, wait a minute, Charley!

I can't have you--

no, please!

I'll be right with you, Charley.

Right with you.

Hello, Mr. Olson?

I think my wife's gonna have another job for you.

OK.

[theme music playing]