Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

[typewriter sounds]

Barry, nah, nah.

What are you mumbling about?

I'm trying to find a name for my son.

Oh.

Benson.

Benson.

Hey, how do you like Benson Halper?

Benson, that sounds very dignified.

Very good.

Yeah, like a-- like a name for a judge.

Yeah.

Or maybe something higher than that.

His friends will say to him, Benson,

I'm gotta run you for governor.

That's very good. Very dignified.

Nice name, Benson. - No, wait a minute.

No, I don't think so.

I don't think so because Benson is a kind

of a name for a tall guy.

What if-- what if he's a short kid like me, you know?

Well, then his friends would call him Benny.

He'll be a short bookmaker.

What do you care?

Danny-- Danny, look, it's important what you name a kid.

You can ruin his whole life by giving him a wrong name.

You must be silly.

A name has got nothing to do with a kid's life.

I guarantee you if George Washington's

name had been Seymour, he'd still

be the father of our country.

Seymour Washington?

Come on!

Besides, why don't you-- why don't you

wait till the kid grows up and let him pick his own name.

It's bad enough he couldn't pick his own father.

Now, what kind of a crack was that?

Haven't you ever heard the expression what's in a name?

A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

You want me to call my son Rose?

No, but you might think about calling your daughter Rose.

Huh?

You're so sure it's gonna be a son you're

looking for a boy's name.

Did it ever occur to you it might be a girl?

Oh, boy, when you're in a nasty mood there's

no stopping you.

It's not nasty.

I'm just trying to point out to you, good friend,

that girls are born every day.

Oh, sure, and you know why?

They're being born so my son will

have somebody to dance with.

Let's see here.

Ah, just like the rest of these novice fathers.

You don't know.

You just don't.

There's nothing like a little girl.

I tell you, Charley, when I tuck my little Linda to bed at night

and she throws her arms around my neck, so soft and warm,

and she kisses me and says, I love you, daddy,

it's a moment that lives in your heart forever.

No time could erase it.

There's nothing like a little girl,

sweet and soft, delicate and dainty.

I should have given it to him, pow, right in the kisser!

Huh?

You build me up a Snow White and in walks Maxie Rosenblum.

What's the-- holy Toledo, look at that.

What happened?

I got a black eye.

Well, I didn't think it was your mascara running.

How did happen?

I was playing football with the boys.

Football?

Well, yeah, and Scotty Forrest threw me a pass.

I missed it, and it hit me right in the eye.

You shouldn't be playing football to begin with.

Oh, look at you.

Oh, your-- your mother is gonna blow her Irish cork.

When she sees you, I bet you're gonna get a spanking

and don't try to let me get you out of it,

because I am not gonna intercede.

I'm telling you right now.

Your mother sees this.

She's really gonna flip.

When your mother sees what?

Oh, honey, now, don't get your Irish up.

I know you're gonna yell and scream and take her

over your knee and wallop her.

But if you let her play football with the boys, things like this

gotta happen. - What has to happen?

Let me see. - Now, Kathy--

[LAUGHING] Oh, a black eye!

Oh, my goodness, we better put something

on that if you're gonna look good at that party on Saturday.

How on earth did you ever get that?

[laughs] Ridiculous thing I ever saw.

Go figure a woman.

I'd have bet anything she was gonna wallop that kid.

Now, you wouldn't expect her to spank

a sweet, tender, delicate, little thing like Linda.

Kid like that might hit back.

All right.

I think she'll be all right.

I may have to put a little makeup on it for the party.

But I have a cold compress on her eye now.

Madam Williams, I'd like to talk to you.

Forget about the candy for a while.

Throw the shack down. Come over here and sit down.

Honey, I've got a lot to do today.

I just can't--

And I've got a lot to talk to you about.

- About what? - About Linda.

What's the matter with Linda?

That girl is playing football.

She's a girl not a boy!

[scoffs] Danny.

Look, don't dismiss this.

How can you take it so casually, for heaven's sakes?

There's nothing feminine about her.

You want your daughter to grow up

to learn how to catch a football or how to catch a boy?

Catch a boy?

Linda's only nine years old.

I'm talking about a nine-year-old boy.

Oh, Danny, leave her alone.

She's doing just fine for her age.

Yeah?

Who asked to the party Saturday?

Well, nobody's asked her yet.

That's what I thought.

She's doing fine for her age.

If she's doing so fine, how come some boy

didn't ask her to the party?

Because she doesn't want to go to the party with some boy.

She wants to go with a very special boy.

Why do you think she's playing football?

So she wants to tackle a boy for the party?

Well, sort of.

She's playing football because she wants

to be near Scotty Forrest.

Huh?

That's the kid that gave her the black eye.

Well, he's also the very special boy

she wants to take her to the party.

Well, when's he gonna ask her?

Oh, that's hard to say.

I mean, boys that age are shy.

It takes time for them to get up the courage

to ask a girl to a party.

Maybe somebody ought to give him a shove.

Maybe somebody ought to leave them alone.

Wouldn't hurt to give the kid a little hint.

Oh, Danny.

You know, someday I'm going to sit you down,

and we're going to have a talk about little boys

and little girls.

I'm going to start right from the beginning.

You know, sometimes--

[doorbell chimes]

Oh.

Oh, hello, Scotty.

Hello, Mrs. Williams.

Come on in.

I'll tell Linda you're here.

Say hello to Mr. William, Scotty.

How do you do, sir?

How are you, Scotty?

Well, nice grip you got there.

Sit down.

Sit down. son.

Thank you,

Gonna be an All-American football player to grow up, eh?

Well, I guess I haven't thought about it.

Kind of shy, aren't you?

Nice quality in a boy, shyness.

Of course, sometimes it's not too good to be too shy,

you know.

Sometimes you got to speak right up.

I mean, you'll discover as you go through life,

as you get older, sometime in the future you

might want to ask some girl to the party next Saturday

afternoon.

Oh, you've got to speak right up.

Yeah.

I guess so.

I suppose you came up to say you're sorry.

Well, yeah, and to give you back your football.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

How's the eye?

It's OK.

Does it hurt?

Not much.

It's getting a little darker.

Bet you won't even notice it by Saturday for the party.

Well, it wouldn't have happened if you'd

have caught the ball right.

It wouldn't have happened if you had thrown it right.

Oh, what's the difference?

Don't argue about it, kids.

I bet at the party Saturday you'll be laughing about it.

[doorbell chimes]

Excuse me.

Yes?

I'm Eloise.

Oh, hello, Eloise.

Oh, there you are, Scotty.

I was getting worried about you.

You were up here so long.

I just got here!

Oh, that's all right.

I wanted to see how Linda was anyway.

Gee, you eye looks horrible, Linda.

Did you cry when it happened?

Oh, for goodness sake, of course not.

Well, if I had been hit in the eye with a football,

I know I'd have just gone all to pieces,

especially if Scotty threw it.

He's so strong.

Oh, has anyone asked you to the party yet?

Not yet.

Oh, really?

I turned down three boys already.

Maybe one of them will ask you.

I'm waiting for a certain special boy to ask me.

Well, shall we go, Scotty?

OK.

Here's your football back.

We might have another game this afternoon.

I'll drop by and pick you up--

We really should be going, Scotty.

Yeah.

OK.

Gee, your muscles are getting bigger all the time.

Bye.

Bye, Mr. Williams.

Nice meeting you.

It was nice of you to come up and cheer Linda up that way.

It made her very happy.

Eloise is quite a girl, isn't she?

She's a big drip!

See you later, honey.

I'm going to go shopping.

[MIMICKING] You're gonna go shopping.

See you later, honey.

I'm gonna go shopping.

Go ahead, you go shopping.

Go ahead. What do you care?

You don't have to worry about who's going to take

you to the party Saturday.

You got your man hooked.

Now what's the matter with you?

How would you like it if Eloise stole

me right from under your nose?

Eloise who?

Eloise who?

Linda's competition, that's who.

Oh, you mean little Eloise Johnson?

Little?

That's an apprentice Jezebel.

You should see that kid operate!

Boy, she snatched that boy from Linda quicker

than you could bat an eye.

She snatched him?

Like an express train grabbing a mail sack.

I'm tipping you off, Clancy.

That halfback of yours is in trouble.

She can't take that kind of competition.

You better start giving her a few pointers

on how to be a girl.

Oh, Danny, why don't you relax?

You're just building this whole thing up.

I'm not building anything, I start with my own eyes.

And the way it looks, Scotty's going to take Eloise

to the party Saturday, and I'll wind up

taking Linda to the next father-and-son banquet.

Why are you jumping to the conclusion

that Scotty is going to take Eloise

and not Linda to the party?

1,000 pardons.

I draw you a good Chinese picture.

Gregory Peck is going to party, right?

Who he gonna ask, Zsa Zsa Gabor, or Crazy Leg Hirsche?

It's different with boys Scotty's age.

Oh, all of a sudden you wrote the book.

Well, after all, I was a little girl.

Yeah?

But one thing is for certain you never was the little boy.

Yes, you're right.

And aren't you glad?

Oh, come on.

We can't stand by and do nothing.

We've got to help your sister.

You know, dad, you're absolutely right.

Thank you, son.

See you later.

Come back here.

You heard what mom just said.

I don't want anything to do with this.

She said to keep our noses out of it.

Yeah, I know.

I know.

But a noise like mine could get into it just by accident.

That explains your nose.

But how do I explain mine?

Will you please be quiet for a second and help me.

Linda?

LINDA: Yes? - Come here, dear.

Daddy wants to talk to you.

Now, look, Russ, you've got to cooperate.

After all, you want your sister to grow up to be

a football player or a girl?

- A girl, of course. - All right.

So she's just as much your responsibility as she is mine.

So help me. Cooperate.

Will you? - Oh.

- Sweetheart? - Did you want me?

Yeah, I did. Come here.

I want to talk to you.

What about?

Well, Russell, sit down over here.

Yeah.

And you sit there.

I want to talk to you about boys.

What about boys?

We want to convince you that you aren't one.

Yeah.

Oh. you're silly, Rusty.

I know I'm not a boy.

Yeah, yeah, you know it, and we know it.

But we want everybody to know it.

I mean, you're not acting like a girl.

And look at you.

the way you dress.

I mean, you want Scotty to ask you to the party Saturday,

don't you?

I sure do.

Huh, Well, you're certainly going at it all wrong.

What do you mean?

Well, you can't get a boy to like you

by playing football with him.

Of course not.

But-- but Scotty likes me.

Sure, he likes you, but as a teammate.

And believe me, boys don't ask their teammates

to go to parties with them.

That's right.

Now, you-- you have got to be more feminine.

I mean, if-- like Eloise.

Now, you don't see Eloise playing football, do you?

No, but I wish she did.

I'd like to tackle her and tear out

her hair and step on her face and break all her teeth.

Now you're talking like a young lady.

All you need is a little coaching.

That's all. Now--

Coaching?

Yeah, I want to teach you something.

Now, look, when you talk to Scotty,

you don't act big and tough and strong.

You tell him how strong he is.

Feel his muscles, say, ooh, what a strong muscle you have.

And you be nice and-- and sweet and act weak and helpless,

you know, like a girl.

Be sneaky.

Well, sort of sneaky.

Now, when you walk, you must walk with--

with grace and style.

You ever see you when you come in the house?

Here's the way you come in.

I'll punch him in the nose [inaudible]..

That's not the way a girl walks.

Girls should be dainty and graceful, like this.

[laughs]

What are you laughing at?

You look so funny.

All right.

I look funny because I'm not a girl.

I'm a boy.

But you won't look funny walking like that.

[doorbell chimes]

See who that is, Russ.

Hey, what if it's Scotty?

Oh. Who is it?

It's me, Charley.

Oh, let him in.

Now, Linda, when you sit down, this

is the way you go to sit down. Watch.

Watch.

May I have the next dance?

Knock it off, will ya?

Uncle Charley?

Yeah?

Daddy's teaching me how to be a girl.

Yeah.

What did he think you are till now, a poodle?

Charley, I'm just giving the kid a few pointers.

If you don't mind, don't interrupt.

OK. OK.

But I was on my way to the club.

And there was something I had to ask you.

It's very important.

Charley, this is very important too.

I'll talk to you at the club later.

It won't take long. I got to ask you.

All right. Ask me.

You're gonna to be honest?

I'll be honest.

What's your personal truthful opinion about Henry?

Henry who?

Henry Halper.

Who's Henry Halper?

My son!

How do you like the name, Henry Halper?

Oh, [inaudible].

Charley, don't bother me.

Well, how about Herman?

Charlie, I'm busy.

Howard?

How about no name, just initials, like--

like TS Eliot, EG Marshall, BS Pully?

Charley, please!

Charley Please, you like that for a name?

No!

[inaudible]

Now, pay attention, Linda, I haven't got all day.

Russ, come here. You help me.

What?

Now, look, you be Scotty.

Oh, do I have to?

Oh, boy, oh, boy.

You said you'd cooperate.

Now, please, you're Scotty, a little nine-year-old boy.

And I'm Linda, all right?

Now, I'm you.

Now watch.

You see Scotty in the schoolyard.

And you walk up to him very sweet like, and you go.

Hello, Scotty.

Oh, this is silly!

Come back here!

It's not silly at all.

Look, you're the son of an actor.

You can act for half a second, can't you?

Be a nine-year-old boy.

Your name is Scotty.

I'm a nine-year-old girl.

I got the toughest part.

Notice my eyes?

See what I do with the eyes, like that?

Do that?

Yeah, like that.

See, little boys like that, see.

Hello, Scotty.

Hello, Linda.

Who ya taking to the party Saturday?

I don't know.

Nobody's asked me yet.

OK.

I'll take you if you promise to shave.

Russ!

[doorbell chimes]

That must be Scotty.

Shall I let the fly in, oh, head spider?

Yes, oh, head wise guy.

Let him in.

Dad, I've been thinking, aren't we kind

of being traitors to our sex?

Will you stop being so noble.

Your allegiance is with your sister.

Now answer the door.

Hi, Rusty.

Come in, fly.

What?

Or fly in, Scotty.

All right, son. Come in.

Come in.

Linda?

Linda, hurry, dear.

LINDA: OK.

Hello, Scotty.

Hello.

I'm so glad to see you.

Well, if you'll excuse us, I have to help

Rusty with his homework.

But I've already done my homework!

Oh, come on.

Won't you sit down?

What's the matter, you sprain your hip?

Of course not.

That's just the way us girls walk.

Sit down.

I don't have much time.

The fellas are waiting for me.

Oh, come on.

Let's sit down.

How sweet of you to drop by.

What's sweet about it?

I told you I'd be back.

Oh, so you did.

Gosh, Linda, you look all--

I mean, I came over to see if you want to play football.

But you're sure not dressed for it.

Scotty, I don't think I'll be playing football.

You see, football's all right for big boys

with big fat muscles.

It's too rough for girls like me.

I'm so soft.

You weren't little soft this morning when you tackled me.

I've changed.

Don't you see the difference?

Yeah.

Is there something wrong with your eyes?

No.

Don't you like it when I do that?

Well, if it doesn't bother you, it's all right with me.

I guess I better be going.

Oh, do you have to go, Scotty?

Yeah.

Isn't there something you want to ask me?

Well, there is something.

There is?

But I don't know if I should.

Oh, if there's something you want to ask me,

Scotty, please ask me.

Well, OK.

Can I borrow your football?

Is that all you wanted to ask me?

Well, sure.

You won't want to be using it anyway now

that you've turned sissy.

Me a sissy?

Well, sure.

Look at the way you're blinking your eyes

and walking and talking like a sissy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're nothing but a sissy.

I'll show you who's a sissy!

Linda!

Linda!

What are you doing?

No!

No!

No, baby, that's not the way!

I oughta take you over my knee and spank you.

You oughta be ashamed of yourself.

What happened?

Holy Toledo.

Bronco Nagurski here slugged him right in the eye.

- Oh, Linda, did you do that? - Yeah.

Do you want me to show you how I did it?

No! No!

You cut that out.

I'm trying to teach her to be feminine.

Look at this.

Let me feel your muscle!

What?

Pretty good, huh?

Yeah!

How'd you like to come to the school party with me Saturday?

Oh, for [inaudible].

Sure.

OK.

Go change your clothes and we'll play some football.

I'll wait for you in the park.

OK.

Boy, Mr. Williams, you should be proud of Linda.

She's a great slugger.

What's the matter now?

Go ahead.

Start from the beginning.

Tell me all about little boys and little girls

and don't leave anything out.

Gee, Mr. Williams, what's taking her so long?

Well, you know how women are.

They take a lot longer to get dressed than us men, Scotty.

Hey, how about Walter or Warren?

You mean you're up to the Ws and you still haven't

found the name for your kid?

No, and I'm gonna have to go through them again.

It would be a shame if it's all been a waste of time

if it turns out to be a girl.

Danny, do me a favor and bite your tongue, huh?

I want a boy like Scotty here.

Hey, Scott.

Yes, sir?

You go to ball games with your father?

Sure.

I'll be he taught you how to box, huh?

Yeah.

And you go on fishing trips together?

You bet.

You see what I mean?

What kind of enjoyment can I get from a daughter.

Come on, Linda.

She's coming.

I'm ready, Scotty.

Let me look at you.

Oh.

Turn around, sweetheart.

You're beautiful.

Mama bought it for me.

I know, darling, and papa paid for it.

Bye, daddy.

Goodbye, sweetheart.

Have a good time.

Oh, I love you.

And I love you too.

Bye, Uncle Charley.

Alice?

[inaudible] Arlene?

[theme music playing]