Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

Hey, Danny, look, if we're going to a movie,

why have coffee now?

Because I got to wait till my wife

finishes powdering her nose.

So much time to powder her nose,

you'd think she was powdering yours.

Oh, sit down.

I-- [sobbing]

What's the matter?

Oh, this is terrible.

What's terrible?

Terrible.

Rusty lost his racket.

You're crying because Rusty lost his racket?

No, I'm crying because I found it.

The kids-- kids, there should be a law against them.

Oh, give it to me.

I'll put it away.

Stop complaining about kid--

Linda lost her skates.

You know, Danny, you haven't got kids.

You've got a demolition team.

Are we going to the movies tonight or not?

Well, sure, as soon as Kathy gets off the phone.

Hey, how are we going to find a picture

that we all haven't seen?

Well, find one.

Let me see now.

How about "A Holiday in Acapulco?"

Hey, OK by me.

Yeah, I haven't seen it.

Neither have I. I think we have found one.

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Don't count your eggs yet. - What?

We have one more chicken yet to be heard from.

Oh.

Hey, hey, Chicken.

Have you seen "Holiday in Acapulco?"

No.

How about that?

Let's get going fast before something

happens to louse it up.

It's too late.

Something's already happened. - What?

Well, the sitter that was going to stay with the kids

can't come.

Why do you need a sitter?

What's wrong with Louise?

Louise has gone off on a trip.

Oh.

What'd I tell you?

Kids are always spoiling things.

Well, it's not their fault we can't find a sitter.

Yeah, but it's their fault you need a sitter.

Bunny and I want to go out, we go.

I mean, we-- we don't have to call anybody and say,

would you please come over and sit and watch

our furniture, please?

Right, Bunny?

Yeah, that's right, Dear.

Well, listen, it's just as well, you know,

because I was kind of tired tonight.

Listen, we can all go to the movie tomorrow night.

Kathy, get a sitter for tomorrow night.

It's a good idea. We'll do it tomorrow.

Hey, how about some of that coffee?

All right.

Oh.

We can't go to a show tomorrow night.

Why not?

I forgot about the PTA.

The PTA saw the picture?

There's a PTA meeting tomorrow night,

and Danny, you promised to go, too.

I know, I forgot all about it.

Let's see now-- first, you can't see

a picture because you can't get someone to sit with the kids.

Then you can't see a picture because you've

got to go to a PTA meeting.

And you've got to go to a PTA meeting

because you've got kids.

You know something?

You ain't got kids.

They got you.

It's a plot to keep us from seeing "A Holiday in Acapulco."

Oh, Charlie, don't be such a sore head.

You can see the picture another time.

Well, go stay home tonight, and watch

"The Dick Van Dyke Show."

They say it's great. - Oh, great.

Fine.

You know, if we can get a guarantee the k--

hey, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. - What?

Who-- who has to see this on the screen?

We got the time.

We can do it.

What are you talking about?

We can have a holiday in Acapulco.

You mean go there in the flesh?

If that's where you want to go, fine.

I think I'll wear clothes.

Charlie, you got something there.

You mean to wear clothes?

No, no.

I mean, the whole idea.

We owe ourselves a vacation.

That's a great idea.

I don't know why I didn't think of a trip like this before.

Bunny, we'll go shopping tomorrow.

That's why I didn't think of it [inaudible]..

Don't cry before your hurts.

Wonderful idea.

Can you imagine the [inaudible],, huh?

On the beach, lying out there with that hot sun burning

our faces.

And the hot sand burning the other side.

It'll be great, huh?

Dining under the stars.

Champagne, anyone?

Hey, we'll do enough round, right?

And don't forget dancing the cha-cha-cha

to the music of Escondido Schwartz and his muchachos.

Ole!

Oh, we can't go.

What's the matter?

Why?

Well, Louise is visiting relatives in Ohio,

and she won't be back in time.

And I won't leave the kids with strangers.

How about leaving them with the PTA?

Oh, Charlie, shut up.

You-- you mean it's off?

No cha-cha-cha, no sun, no frijoles?

I was beginning to taste the hot chili.

Some vacation.

I don't even get a chance to get a heartburn.

I'm sorry, Charlie.

But you know, after all, the kids--

The kids! The kids!

The kids!

You can't do this because of the kids.

You can't do that because of the kids.

You can't do anything because of the kids.

Well, Charlie, for heaven sake's,

I'm quite sure that Danny and Kathy--

It's true!

It's true!

I mean, at least if you got a cat in a dog,

and you want to go away someplace,

you put him in a kennel.

Wait a minute.

What a wonderful-- that's what this country needs!

A kennel for kids.

Oh, Charlie.

Don't be silly. You can't--

What's silly?

I mean, you bring the kids to the place.

They take them in.

They put them in a cage.

Three times a day, they throw them a bone.

Twice a day, they take them out and walk them.

That way, it wouldn't be so bad to have kids.

Well, Charlie, there are a lot of people in this world who

have children even without kennels,

and they don't think it's so bad.

Yeah, well, they got to think that way,

because they're already stuck.

They're not like us.

We like it the way it is, huh?

No-- no PTAs.

No babysitters.

We can do and go where we want.

Hey, sweetie?

Oh, stop flapping your lips.

Huh?

Oh, go soak your head.

Oh, wha--

What is she getting so upset about?

Is anything wrong?

No, no, nothing's wrong.

Bunny, there is something bothering you.

Oh, well, it's--

it's just Charlie.

He makes me so doggone mad.

Ugh.

Huh?

Well, it's-- it's the way he's always talking.

Like for instance, the way-- way he was talking about kids,

about they're-- they're pests, and put them in kennels,

and throw them bones.

And, oh, just everything.

Well, if Charlie doesn't like kids, he doesn't have to.

Yes, he does.

Why?

Because I'm going to have one.

Oh, Bunny-- oh, Bunny, that's wonderful!

Why-- why, Charlie would be so thrilled that he--

oh.

Exactly.

- Mm-mhm. - Oh, Kathy.

He's-- he's going to hate me, and he's going

to hate the baby.

Well, I'm just not going to tell him.

You mean he doesn't know?

No.

I-- I-- I just found out this afternoon,

and I was afraid to tell him.

Oh, Bunny, you've got to tell him.

Well, why should I?

He doesn't deserve to know.

Well, how long do you think you can keep it a secret?

Well, I don't know.

Maybe I can wait till I come home from the hospital.

Bunny.

Well, but-- now, Kathy, I know that man.

You know, I'll make you a bet.

Do you know, before that kid's a week old, he--

he'll be teaching it how to walk.

What?

Sure, so then he'll run away from home.

Kathy, why did this have to happen?

Bunny, don't say that.

Don't even think it ever.

This is the most glorious thing that's ever happened to you,

and don't you forget it.

Oh, come on, Kathy.

What's so marvelous about being a mother and having a baby?

Charlie's mother had a baby and look what she got.

Bunny, you're going to have to tell him.

No, I don't have to, and I'm not going to.

Oh, I'm so mad at him I could just belt him!

The only thing that stops me is I'd

have to tell him what it was for,

and I'm not going to tell him!

Goodnight, Kathy.

See you later, Charlie.

- I hope you feel better, Bunny. - Yeah, thank you.

Thank you.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

What a couple.

You know, they should be on television.

I think Charlie Halper is one of the funniest men

in the whole world.

How great, we should have a kennel for kids--

Oh, shut up!

What's the matter with you?

Oh, you men!

Now, what did I do?

You're a man!

You bet!

And you're a woman.

Now, cut that out, Danny.

You-- you ought to be ashamed of yourselves!

All right.

I'm ashamed of myself.

Now, do you want to tell me why or should I

just take your word for it?

H-h-how dare you!

How dare I what?

You know, it isn't as if we ask for a medal

or anything like that.

We don't ask for anything, just that you be glad!

OK, I'm glad.

I'm glad.

All right.

What'd you do to make so glad?

Not me.

Bunny.

OK.

What did Bunny do that I'm so glad that she did it?

Not you.

Charlie.

All right.

What did Bunny do that made Charlie so glad

that I'm so very glad that Charlie's glad that Bunny did?

Don't try to put me off by confusing the subject!

I'm confusing the subject?

I don't know it well enough to confuse it if I wanted to.

That poor woman.

Up night after night, making formulas, changing diapers.

And after that period's over--

Then all of a sudden-- men!

You're a man!

Then she's on the teething period,

to be walking the floor, night after night with the baby.

OK, I'm a man. So what?

Big deal, I'm a man!

And what's Charlie doing?

What do you want me to do?

He's off to Acapulco, going cha-cha-cha!

Do you mind saying that again?

Cha-cha-cha!

Not that!

Before that.

What was it about Bunny up all night making formulas?

Is that what you said?

Mm, yes.

That's right.

Bunny's studying to be a chemist?

No, she's going to have a baby.

Bunny Halper?

No kid?

Oh, that's wonderful.

It's a miracle.

That is a miracle.

My buddy Charlie is going to have a baby.

How about that?

If he does, I'll sell tickets.

What?

It happens that Bunny is having the baby.

Oh, what's the difference?

Didn't your mother ever tell you

about the birds and the bees?

What I'm trying to say is that it's great.

Charlie Halper-- Charlie and Bunny and--

oh, wait a minute.

Wait, you got to be wrong.

Bunny can't possibly be having a baby.

Why not?

Would Charlie make all those cracks

about kids knowing his wife is going to have a child?

Oh, well, he doesn't know it yet.

She only found out this afternoon,

and she's afraid to tell him.

Oh, men!

Will you please lay off with that men routine?

I happen to be the original child lover.

I have a ball with my kids.

What are you picking on me for?

Well, maybe you do.

But Charlie, he's an idiot.

He doesn't know what he's missing.

All right.

Let's show him what he's missing.

Honey? - Hm?

What do you say we invite them over for Sunday?

Spend the day with us, let him see

how I get along with the kids.

Oh, Danny.

He's seen you with the kids a million times.

Yeah, but only for a few minutes at a time.

He's never really spent a whole day with us.

Let's invite them here.

We'll eat.

We'll-- we'll go into the park.

We'll play the piano.

We'll sing.

You'll see what fun it is a father with his children.

Believe me, before the day is over,

you'll be convinced that having children

is a lot more satisfying than all the vacations

in the world-- with all the hot sun, and hot sand,

and the frijoles, and Escondido Schwartz

thrown in for good measure.

Now, you get up here. Sit down.

And you, listen.

Right after, we eat.

See, I come over to the piano, I will sing

this lullaby for Uncle Charlie.

And then right after the song, remember

what to say now, all right?

Here we go.

[lullaby playing]

[SINGING] Lullaby and goodnight, your daddy's delight.

Bright angels are near, so sleep without fear.

They will guard thee from harm, through fair dreamland's

sweet charm.

They will guard thee from harm through fair dreamland's

sweet charm.

Lullaby, lullaby, lullaby.

Now-- well, say your line.

- Oh! - Yeah.

Um.

Oh, gee, Daddy.

I love you.

That's very good, Darling.

Now, Rust?

Oh, do I have to say that?

Yeah, you have to say that.

All right.

Gee, when a father sings like that,

it kind of gets a kid right here.

I think maybe, on second thought,

you better not say anything.

Go help your mother.

Come over here.

Let me button you up.

Now, you look so disheveled.

I want you to look your very nice.

You understand?

And above all, I want you to be at your very,

very best behavior.

Now, turn around, let me check your ears.

Why? I don't behave in my ears.

Never mind.

I want you kids to be absolutely perfect when Uncle Charlie is

here, because I want him to see how wonderful it

is to have children. - Why?

Are you thinking of unloading us on him?

Oh, Rust.

Look, it's just that--

well, it's kind of a special day, see.

And Aunt Bunny has a big surprise for Uncle Charlie.

Oh?

What's the surprise?

Well, if you must know, she's going to give him a baby.

Wouldn't you rather have a necktie?

Rust!

Rusty, will you get the smart alecky quips out of your system

now?

Because when Uncle Charlie gets here,

we want you to be a living doll.

That's right, that's right.

And be extra good to-- oh, there they are.

You kids let them in.

Now, not a word about the baby.

Oh, yeah, don't mention the baby.

Not a word.

But make over Uncle Charlie, you hear?

Make over him real good.

Did you tell Bunny what we're going to try to do?

Yes, I did, Darling.

And she's so thrilled and so grateful to you.

Not at all.

CHILDREN: Uncle Charlie!

It's so great having Uncle Charlie!

[chattering]

Kids, show Uncle Charlie to his chair.

All right.

Yeah, come on, Uncle Charlie.

Thank you.

That's what I call service.

Oh, Danny.

This is-- this is beautiful.

What is it, somebody's birthday or something?

No, no.

This is regular Sunday fair for us.

Family's always together on Sunday.

We always have a spread like this.

It's a day when Daddy gets to look at his children,

see their bright, wonderful, shining faces.

I'm clean behind the ears, too.

Yeah, it's cracks like that, Charlie,

that come from your own kid that sort of makes

you understand why you were born, what a blessing

it is to have children.

It makes you know that--

that all of your hard work is--

is not in vain.

Mm-- well, uh, Danny.

That's a beautiful, lovely table, Kathy.

It's gorgeous.

Oh, thank you, Bunny.

I don't suppose that, uh, you'd

bother spreading a table like this for just the two of you?

Well, of course not.

I mean, it's too much bother for just two people.

Two, that's right.

Yeah.

Yeah, you know, Bunny, we--

I think maybe we have been missing something

eating alone by ourselves.

Charlie, I-- I've been thinking the same thing.

I think a man should have a family to eat with.

You, uh, you really think so, Charlie?

No, I mean that.

From now on, we'll eat at my sister's.

Nine kids, it's a big table.

Well, uh, shall we get started?

Yes, yes, yes.

Here's your napkin, Uncle Charlie.

Well, how do you like that?

Is-- isn't that sweet.

That is one-- thank you, Darling.

I tell you, Charlie, you--

you just don't know what a thrill it is having

children around the house.

Well, we got a Cocker Spaniel.

And sometimes, to me, he seems like my own child.

That's because of the family resemblance.

Oh.

Oh, Rusty dear?

Yes?

Oh, would you like to pour the tomato juice for us, Darling?

I'd love to, Mother dear.

Thank you.

Here you are, Dad.

Thank you, Son.

How wonderful-- - Here you go.

Thank you-- wait!

Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry!

Oh, I didn't mean to pour the tomato juice all over you.

Gee, I'm terribly sorry, Dad.

I thought you had the glass in your hand.

I put the glass down on the table, so he--

he was just trying to help.

It could happen to anybody.

Not for me.

I never let my Cocker Spaniel serve tomato juice.

I'm really, terribly sorry, Daddy.

I didn't mean to.

Would you pass me the other napkin, Son?

All right, Dad. Here.

Thank you.

Oh!

Oh, Daddy, I'm sorry.

It's all right, Son.

Look at you, just trying to help.

It's all right.

I'm terribly sorry.

He helped, he helped.

First, he gave you the tomato juice,

then he gave you the milk.

So I got the healthiest suit in town, what do you want?

Uh, Linda--

Linda, would you come and help me serve, Dear?

Sure!

And Rusty, go make some more toast.

- Ow! - Oh, Daddy!

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to step on your hand.

That's all right, Sweetie. That's all right.

I'm sorry.

I-- I shouldn't have put my hand where you were stepping.

It's all right.

You hurt the bottom of your foot?

Oh.

It's done, Linda.

Help me serve this.

Aren't they-- aren't they considerate, Charlie?

Gives you a warm feeling all over.

And on me, it gives kind of a cold shoulder.

Oh, Charlie.

I think Danny and Kathy are very lucky people to have

two such helpful children.

- That's right. - Maybe.

But I should think, if they wanted help,

it would be safer to hire them, you know.

Oh, Charlie.

Linda, give that one to Daddy, please.

How's the toast coming, Rust?

Oh, it'll be up in a second, Ma.

What?

Did you see that?

The toast jumped right up there!

Ahh!

[sobbing]

Gin!

Oh, I didn't mean to throw that card away, Ka--

oh, I guess I just wasn't concentrating.

Oh, Bunny.

Come on, stop worrying.

Oh.

Danny's right.

It'll be much different out in the park.

They'll have fun, you'll see.

Oh, Kathy.

That's what you think.

No, no, really.

They'll be singing a different tune when they come back.

They will have had a barrel of fun.

Oh, boy--

Boy, we had fun.

I mean, we had a ball, didn't we?

That was great!

That was fun!

Oh, that was marvelous!

Oh, will you come on?

Charlie!

What-- what happened?

We were playing Follow the Leader with the kids.

And I got stuck in a jungle gym.

Charlie, you should know better

than to play in a jungle gym, a man of your size and age.

That's what the playground director said--

only, he used different words.

What are you beating about?

Linda pulled you out, didn't she?

But did she have to pull me by my ears?

Well, I wasn't going to pull you by the feet.

When Daddy tried it, you kicked him in the face.

Well, I didn't mean to.

He kept twisting my ankle.

I had to twist your ankle.

I couldn't hold by the shoe.

It was all wet.

Your shoe was wet?

Naturally.

It got wet when the rowboat turned over.

Well, how did the rowboat turn over?

Ask him!

Rusty, did you tip over the rowboat?

Well, I didn't mean to.

I just stood up to show Daddy how Uncle Charlie almost

fell on the alligator pit.

Alligator pit?

You almost fell in the alligator pit?

What fell?

I was trying to escape into it.

I still say there should be kennels for kids.

Go-- go on to your rooms and get out of those wet clothes.

Oh, I tell you, I don't deserve that.

I didn't-- but I got up.

I-- I was minding my own business.

All of a sudden, I'm--

I'm swimming for my life to Central Park Lake.

And I almost became a blue plate special for an alligator.

Look, Charlie, it's all my fault.

I planned this whole thing.

Huh?

It was a plot.

A plot to drown me?

No.

It's a plot to show you how wonderful

it is to be a father, how great it is to be around children.

But the whole thing backfired.

Yeah.

Truth of the matter is, children are people.

And like people, sometimes, they're a pain in the neck,

and other times, they're a blessing.

That's right, Charlie.

What matters is that-- that they belong to you,

and you belong to them.

And-- and that they love you, and you love them.

That's right.

Look, it's something that can't be explained.

You have to--

OK, stop it.

Just stop it, both of you, this minute.

Now, who does this little weasel think that he is that-- that we

all have to get together and prove

that kids belong on this Earth.

Well, if he doesn't know what it--

what it feels like to have kids and-- and-- and how

important it is, well--

well, that's his problem, not ours.

But what-- what, with this very minute,

he should be apologizing to us, not the other way around.

And-- and-- then after our baby comes,

if-- if-- if you want to go out to Acapulco

and-- and then cha-cha-cha, well, good luck to you!

B-b-baby?

What-- what baby?

Where-- where baby?

Where?

Who-- whose baby?

Ours baby, that's whose baby!

Enough!

Wait, B-- o-o-our baby-- wait a minute, you mean?

What?

You mean, we're going to have--

That's right.

Oh, Bunny.

Hey, Danny, did you hear that?

B-- Kathy?

Bunny, I think that's-- that's won-- that's wonderful.

Thank you. Thank you.

What are you standing up for?

Why-- why didn't you tell me?

Well, Charlie, all week, you were saying with the-- with

the kids, they're pest.

Put them in the kennel with the bones, and--

That was-- that was because I--

I-- I thought that you and I could never have them.

And I-- I didn't want you to feel bad, like you were

letting me down or something.

Well, you mean you really want one?

Want one?

More than anything in the whole world!

Well, you mean you're-- you're really happy

we're going to have a baby?

Are you kidding?

Honey, why do you think I come here so often?

To see Danny?

Him, I could see at the club.

But the kids-- the kids, every time I leave here, I--

I die a little from envy.

But now-- but now, now, you, oh, son of a gun,

I'm going to have a kid of my own.

How-- how do you like that, eh?

Me, Charlie Halper, after all these years,

I'm going to be a father!

I'm going to be a father?

I'm-- I'll see you later.

[SINGING] When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall.

When the bough--

- Hi, sweetheart. - Shh!

The baby's asleep.

Baby's asleep, huh?

OK.

You're playing baby, huh.

Yeah.

Well, Uncle Charlie was afraid that taking care of a baby

was a lot of trouble.

Uh-huh.

I just want to prove that it can be a lot of fun.

Now, how can you prove to Uncle Charlie

that it's a lot of fun?

She's proving, she's proving!

[theme music playing]