Original subtitles

[theme music]

Honey!

Hey, Clancy! - Yeah?

Guess what?

I'm going to be the toastmaster at the Sportswriters Luncheon.

No.

And guess who's going to sit at the table right next to me?

- Who? - My son.

- Rusty? - How about that?

- Oh, how nice. - How nice.

Wait till he hear him.

He's going to jump out of his shoes.

You know who's going to sit next to him?

- No. - Johnny Unitas.

Oh, Darling, that's wonderful.

Wonderful, I should say.

Who's Johnny Unitas?

He's a beer salesman from Milwaukee.

Who's Johnny Unitas?

He's only the star quarterback for the Baltimore Colts.

Well, darling, how do you expect me to know that?

I never go to basketball games.

Johnny Unitas is a football player.

Well, what's the difference, basketball, football?

I mean, one wears long pants, one wears short pants.

You know, something's been puzzling me

for the longest time.

Hm?

How a brilliant fellow like me got

hooked by a dumb girl like you.

Well, Darling, I think I can answer that.

And I can cook too.

Hey, kid, have I got news for you.

Guess what? - What?

Guess who's going to sit next to you

at the Sportswriters Luncheon. - Who?

Johnny Unitas.

Well, let's have a little animation.

I said, you're going to sit next to Johnny Unitas.

Well, Rusty, he's a very important football

player on the Baltimore Horses.

Colts.

Well, what's the difference?

Mom, I know who Johnny Unitas is.

I also know I'm not going to sit next to him.

Why not?

I have to stay after school tomorrow.

Oh, not tomorrow.

Rusty, what happened?

What did you do now?

You'll never believe this, but I didn't do a thing.

Then why do you have to stay after school?

Oh, Miss Johnson's keeping the whole class.

Why?

A couple of the kids were fooling around

so now everybody's got to stay for an extra hour,

and she had to pick tomorrow of all days.

Well, Rusty, don't you think if you told her

you had to go to an important sports luncheon,

she'd let you off?

A lot she cares about sports.

All she knows about football or basketball

is in one of them you wear short pants.

Can you imagine anyone that dumb?

Well, you run into that type once in a while.

Oh, this is awful.

This is absolutely awful after all the trouble I went through.

Maybe if I talk to her, maybe I could reason with her.

Reason with old Pickle Puss?

Here now.

Don't be disrespectful.

Students shouldn't call their teachers Pickle Puss.

Well, that's what everybody calls her.

She's the toughest teacher in the whole school, Dad.

She loves to hand out punishment.

No teacher loves to hand out punishment.

Pickle Puss does.

When she starts handing out punishment,

it's like someone eating salted peanuts.

There's no stopping.

You think she's still at the school?

She might be.

Why?

Well, I figure maybe if I go over and talk to her

and use a little tact, a little diplomacy,

maybe I might get her to let you off this one time.

You want to bet?

Now, Russell, you just leave this to me.

I mean, after all, she's human.

You want to bet?

You're not in the wrong, are you?

No.

OK, your cause is just.

Yes.

Couple that with my ability to handle people,

I'm pretty sure that in no time at all

I'll have your teacher eating right out of my hand.

I wouldn't try, Dad.

- What have I got to lose? - Your hand.

All right.

Yes, won't you come in?

Thank you.

Thank you.

I'm Danny Williams, Mr. Williams.

Oh, of course, you're Russell's father.

That's right. That's right.

I hope I'm not intruding.

No, no, no.

I was just finishing up.

Just finishing up.

My goodness, a teacher's work is never done, is it?

Well, I can always find something

to do if I look hard enough.

You know, I always say it's too

bad that more parents don't appreciate you teachers,

you know?

Hm, is that--

is that what you say?

Yeah, I always say that.

Yes, and I say it because I mean it sincerely.

I'm glad.

For a moment, I thought you were leading up to a request

to excuse Rusty from staying after school tomorrow.

Now, Miss Johnson, is that fair?

I'm sorry.

Is that all, Mr. Williams?

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess so.

Although there is one thing.

I'm a little surprised to see a teacher of your caliber,

I mean, punishing a whole class just because a couple

of the kids got out of line.

I mean, you are doing a great job outside of that one

hasty, thoughtless, unjust act.

I just thought I'd mention that in passing.

Well, let's consider it passed, shall we, Mr, Williams?

Now see here, Pickle Puss.

I mean, Miss Johnson.

Now this sports luncheon means a lot to my son.

It may be trivial to you, but it isn't to him

and it isn't to me either.

And I think you ought to let him off tomorrow so he can attend.

I don't agree with you.

I didn't think you would.

I wouldn't be doing your son any favor if for one minute

I let him think that the rules that

apply to the other children don't apply to him.

Look, I'm not asking not to punish him,

just don't punish him tomorrow.

Punish him some other time.

Mr, Williams, before a teacher can educate

a roomful of students, she must--

she must get control of them.

If I fail to maintain discipline over my students,

I fail as a teacher, because knowledge must be crammed

into their stubborn little minds against

considerable resistance.

Like any other healthy young animal,

a child would rather play than work.

Yeah, but--

My methods of maintaining discipline

may seem harsh to you, but they work for me.

I've been using them for over 30 years.

30 years?

That's a long time.

We have a saying in show business,

don't go too long without changing your act.

It might get a little stale.

You're not the only one who thinks I should change my act.

The principal of this school agrees with you.

Excuse me.

As a matter of fact, for some time now

he's been wanting to discuss the question of my retirement.

He feels too that my policy of firmness with my students

is a little old fashioned.

Well, there's a little difference

between firmness and harshness.

I mean, I should imagine you could accomplish just as much

by being kind and gentle.

Mr. Williams, my grandfather, who came from the deep south,

used to tell a story about a farmer

who was stuck on the road with a mule who wouldn't budge.

He was having a dreadful time with him.

A stranger came along and said, can I help you?

And the farmer said, well, maybe you can.

He says, I got a mule here I can't move.

And the stranger said, well, that's because you

don't understand mules.

I do.

You got to treat him gentle.

You got to treat him kind.

And so saying, he leaned over, picked up a log

and smacked the mule right between the eyes.

The farmer was pretty upset, and he said, how

come you hit my mule like that?

I thought you said you got to treat him gently.

You got to treat him kind.

And the stranger said, that's right.

That's right.

But first you got to get his attention.

Well, these kids aren't mules, and I guarantee

if I were their teacher, I could get

their attention without clobbering

them between the eyes.

Mr. Williams, I get the distinct impression

that you think you can do my job better than I can.

I didn't say that, but since you did,

I won't argue the point.

Good day.

Mr, Williams, how would you like a chance

to, um, to prove your point?

Huh?

Quite coincidentally, this week Friday

there's a school-wide experiment in cooperation with this

Parent Teachers Association.

So?

On that one day, interested parents

will be given an opportunity to conduct classes.

They can become acquainted through actual experience

with some of our problems.

Now, since you are such an interested parent,

I think you'd make an excellent candidate.

You want me to teach your class?

That's right.

And in a phrase that's more succinct and scholarly,

it'll give you a chance to put your money where your mouth is.

I'll be here Friday.

Good.

And your program will include algebra,

current events, and biology.

You are to give Mr. Williams your undivided attention.

His authority is the same as mine.

Now, I can stay and help you get started, if you wish,

and find a place at the back of the room, or I can leave.

No no, no.

- It's entirely up to you. - It's all right.

It's all right, Miss Johnson.

You can go right ahead and have the morning off.

I'm pretty sure we'll get along real fine, won't we, kids?

Oh, yes.

Well, if you should run into any trouble,

I suggest that you try some of my antiquated methods

of discipline.

You mean, get his attention first?

They can get out of hand pretty quickly.

Well, I'm not expecting any trouble.

Well, I'll be back later to check.

All right, fine.

Now, class.

[sighs of relief]

Attention, class.

Attention.

Class, we are supposed to take biology first today.

Yes?

Oh, we don't have to waste any time on biology, Mr. Williams.

Why not?

Because we know the whole book.

Is that so?

[SINGING] For instance, the ankle bone's

connected to the shinbone.

The shinbone's connected to the knee bone.

The knee bone's connected to the thigh bone.

The thigh bone's connected to that hip bone.

All right. OK.

The hip bone's connected--

All right.

Thank you.

Sit down.

All right, I know what the backbone is connected to, OK?

All right.

Just simmer down.

Simmer down. Simmer down.

Yes?

What is it?

I have a current events question.

Current events?

We're supposed to take biology now.

But, sir, this is an important question.

Oh?

On current events?

Yes.

Well, if it's important.

What's the question?

May I leave the room?

[laughter]

All right.

Hold it down.

No, you may not leave the room.

Stand up, young fella.

What's your name?

Henry.

Henry.

All right, Henry, now suppose we get to biology.

Would you please tell me how does osmosis work?

Don't ask me.

I didn't even know he had a job.

Young lady, hand that note back to him.

You mind standing up, Mr. Bones?

I take it that note is being passed around

for the whole class to read?

Yes, sir.

Suppose we do it rather quickly

and have you read it out loud to them?

You want me to read it out loud?

That's right.

I want you to read it out loud.

It says, is that his nose or is he eating a banana?

You kids are wonderful.

You know, you took me back a lot of years just now.

This must be a pretty tough school, then, huh?

I like it.

I like it tough because I was raised in a tough school.

Oh, a real tough school.

You, you kids should have seen the school I went to.

You talk about tough.

The seediest looking characters you ever saw.

You'd walk down the corridors of our school,

and you'd see them there leaning against the lockers, you know,

with the black leather jackets and a cigarette

dangling down a lip and the scars on the faces.

And those were the teachers.

Ha, you never saw such tough kids, you know.

And the toughest kid in our school

was a kid named Fingers Patman.

Fingers Patman was the toughest kid

I ever saw in my whole life.

Hated anybody with a face.

Hated them.

We used to call him Fingers because he

was fast with the fingers.

He could empty out the five and dime faster

then they could fill it.

You read today where kids think it's smart to steal hubcaps.

Fingers would never stoop to such a low thing.

As a matter of fact, he was our leader, would never let us do

it.

We never thought of stealing hubcaps.

I mean, people in our neighborhood

get up in the morning, walk to their cars,

they always found their hubcaps.

No car, just hubcaps.

We were plenty tough, I want to tell you, but real tough kids.

But we outgrew it, like every generation did.

But for a while there, we got to believing our own publicity,

and that's what's the matter with the teenagers today,

you know.

They believe their own publicity,

and they're getting too much publicity.

You can't pick up a Sunday newspaper or a magazine

without reading the inevitable article what's

wrong with our teenagers today?

I read a magazine article the other day

that asked the stupid question, can the children of today

be the mothers and fathers of tomorrow?

I mean, isn't that the silliest question you ever heard?

Can the children of today be the mothers

and fathers of tomorrow?

All I can say is they better because nobody

else is warming up.

But I got to go along with public opinion against you

on one point.

That's your music.

Oh, your music is sick.

Oh, your music, have you seen you

kids going down a street with a transistor

radio stuck in your ear?

Now nobody knows what you're listening to,

but you're going like this.

If I ever went home like that, my father would have

sprinkled flea powder on me.

Your music-- let me give you an idea.

Let's have a sample of your music.

And 1, 2, 3.

[scatting]

[SINGING] Well, it's Saturday night and I just got paid.

Fool about my money, don't try to save.

Come on, dance.

[scatting] Gonna rock it up.

Gonna live it up.

Gonna shake it out.

Gonna ball it up.

Gonna rock it out and ball tonight.

And the old man said, yeah, you need a partner.

Miss Johnson will be here any second.

It's almost 12 o'clock.

Now, come on, get to your seat.

Now, look, kids, we didn't get very much work done today,

you know?

We didn't get any work done today.

Well, let's kind of keep that our little secret, huh?

Now, look, I want to level with you.

I'm not here today just because it's parents as teachers day.

I am here because, well, I bragged to Miss Johnson

that I could handle the class better than she could.

And, well, I would like it very much if you'd be looking rather

studious when she comes in.

And remember what I told you earlier about how to greet her?

So, help me out, will you?

Sure.

[interposing voices]

Thank you.

Get your noses in your books now.

Look very studious, and--

Class, Miss Johnson is here.

Good afternoon, Miss Johnson.

Well, this is a surprise.

Surprise?

Well, frankly, it isn't quite what I expected.

Well, I hope you're not disappointed.

You haven't had any trouble?

Look like I've had any trouble?

No.

No, it doesn't.

Congratulations, Mr. Williams.

I take my hat off to you.

Oh, well.

This is quite a revelation.

You were right and I was wrong.

Hm?

Well, if you'll excuse me, there's

a subject the principal's been wanting

to talk to me about for some time,

and this certainly looks like the right time.

Oh, no, no.

Wait, wait a minute. Miss Johnson, wait a minute.

Miss Johnson, please.

Kids, on your honor now, just be quiet till I get back.

Miss Johnson?

Miss Johnson, please? - Yes?

Just a minute.

I hope I haven't hurt your feelings.

Oh, don't apologize.

You may have done me a favor.

What?

The principal is constantly telling

me that I've fallen behind the times,

and I didn't believe him.

But if a person like you, completely without teaching

experience, can walk into a class

and achieve with ease the thing that I battle for daily,

a well-behaved, receptive, cooperative class,

then my contribution isn't as indispensable as I thought.

Now, wait, Miss Johnson, please?

Don't be too hasty about this.

Mr. Williams, there comes a day

when even the most stalwart battleship

heads for the mothball fleet.

Yeah, but--

And now if you'll excuse me, I'm

going down to the principal's office

and suggest that he lay in a good supply of mothballs.

Wait a minute.

Now, wait a minute.

Now you promise to come back and check on me, remember?

Mr. Williams, I have already conceded your victory.

I know, but you haven't checked on what

I've done with the class. Now, be fair--

Mr. Williams--

Will you please just check and see what we've done.

I know what I want to do [inaudible]

Oh, class, oh, nice to see you so attentive.

Miss Johnson has returned to check up on our work

this morning, so we're going to have a little quiz.

Mr. Bones, will you get up, please?

And tell us what we covered in biology today.

Biology?

Biology.

Well, sir, we didn't get around to that.

Oh, my, so we didn't.

Wait, wait, Veronica, how did we do in algebra today?

Today?

Today.

Well, sir, we didn't get to that either.

My goodness.

We didn't get to that either.

We kind of sort of blew current events too, didn't we?

Mr. Williams, just what has been

going on in this classroom?

A ball.

We've been telling jokes and dancing and singing.

I did part of my nightclub act for them.

Told them all about the tough school

I was raised in, a lot tougher than this one.

Well, there's a postscript to that story

I was telling you about, Fingers Patman and the guys.

You know where Fingers wound up?

One of the greatest surgeons in our country,

and the rest of my class, judges, lawyers, doctors,

merchants, and regular working joes, all solid citizens,

and one nightclub entertainer.

Yep.

That motley looking group, that incorrigible bunch

of tough guys in my class, all became solid citizens

because of the miraculous work of the Miss Johnson of our day.

We had a ball in school, lots of fun like your having.

Only your generation doesn't have the luxury

that our generation had, and your teachers

have a much tougher job than our teachers did.

You see, they're racing against time

because the enemies of the free world,

the enemies of our way of life, are using education as a weapon

to destroy our way of life.

And you young people have got to use

the same weapon, education, to defend our way of life,

to safeguard it.

Don't goof off, kids.

Prepare yourselves, for tomorrow's America with all

its rich rewards will be yours.

Well, if you're going to get prepared,

I better get out of here and let you get at it.

Mr. Williams, where do you think you're going?

I'm going to get a hot dog.

I'm starved.

Mr. Williams, I should expect you

back here right after lunch.

You want me to come back here?

Your agreement was to conduct this class for the entire day.

Come on, I'm not a teacher, and you know it.

Yes, I know, but on my salary, I can't afford nightclubs,

and I want to see the show too.

It's not fair!

What's the matter with you?

I have to stay after school tomorrow.

What?

Teacher says I was whispering in class.

Well, were you whispering?

Well, not very loud.

I can't stay after school tomorrow.

The Brownies are going to the zoo.

Daddy, can't you write Teacher a note

and excuse me just this time?

You want me to write a note to your teacher

and get you out of it, huh?

Yes, please?

Let me see, what will I say in my note?

Dear Nice Teacher--

Yes.

If my wonderful, adorable, little

darling Linda broke the rules, she deserves to be punished.

Very truly yours, Danny Williams.

Well, don't expect much for Father's Day.

[theme music]