Original subtitles

[theme music]

NARRATOR: Tonight's special guest, Jimmy Durante.

[SINGING] I worked hard to get into condition,

so I could take, hah, on that mission.

And was I humiliated?

Wait a minute.

I'm sorry, son.

But you just haven't captured the new me.

You may have me cornered, but not captured.

Jimmy, what's gotten into you lately?

Ever since your niece came down here from college,

you've been going, well, high hat on us.

No, that should be enough out of you, kid.

Don't you tell Jimmy what kind of material he should use.

He was in show business when you were in knee pants.

Even before that.

Well, I don't care how long he's been in show business.

This is a great Durante number.

All he's got to do is give it a try.

You call that a song?

That's a misdemeanor.

Do you?

"Way Marie" is still a very popular number.

That's gonna be a much--

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

What's the matter with you, two monks?

Didn't I warn you that as long as my niece

is in this household, I want it filled

with dignity and decorum?

A girl that just spent four years in college

ain't used to such uncouth atmosphere.

Now, let's get it couted up.

What was all the commotion about, Uncle Jimmy?

Oh, Carla, darling.

I'm sorry if we disturbed your reading.

But we were just having a friendly indifference.

What's that you got there?

Oh, something I've been doing a little work on.

It's Dostoevsky. excuse

Is that the way you take care of my house?

Here.

Take that Evsky out and dust it.

Oh, and Benny, you better check up on our dinner.

Kathy and Danny will be along any minute.

Oh, sure.

And you?

Take that number home and polish it up

and let me hear it again, huh?

OK.

Good.

I'm sorry about the disturbance, Carla.

But that's the way it usually is around here.

You don't have to apologize, Uncle Jimmy.

I understand.

[door bell rings]

Oh, I'll get it.

Aunt Kathy. - Hello, Carla.

Uncle Danny.

Hello, Carla, baby.

- Good to see you. - Oh, wow.

- Hi, Jim. - Hi, Danny.

She's grown up. Just look at her, Danny.

Hello, Jimmy. - Kathy.

Hey. JIMMY: Kathy.

Hey, looks like-- JIMMY: Kathy.

--bambina's not such a bambina anymore.

How about that?

Remember when she was just a scrawny little kid?

Now look at her, loaded with pulchritudinousness ness ness

ness.

She's every syllable on it, Jim.

Yeah.

I'm a proud man.

She brings a touch of class to the family.

Oh, please.

Let me take that, OK?

Well it's true.

Why, this kid has got a whole cranium full of knowledge.

Say a big word for them.

Oh, Uncle Jimmy.

Come on, I spent $13,000 on your education.

Say a few words.

Well, all right.

How about peripatetic peregrination?

The money was not wasted.

We're going to sit down?

Oh, OK.

How do you imagine that you're all through college,

you little pumpkins?

What are your future plans, Carla?

You know what you want to be?

Why?

With a college education, she could be anything she wants.

Doctor, lawyer, scientist, she could even be a notary public.

Yes, those thing is as good as you

did when you were a kid, Carla?

- Even better. - No fooling.

We sure like to hear you.

How about singing the song for us?

Come on. Give them a sample.

Oh, good.

Sit right down there.

What a spot to put me on!

An amateur like me singing for great professionals

like Jimmy Durante and Danny Williams?

Oh, come on, Carla, you have nothing to be afraid of.

You have a lovely voice.

Just one of the things she inherited

from my side of the family, along with being fair

of face and form.

[SINGING] They got a start of each day

with a song even when things go wrong.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

When did you ever learn a song like that?

That guy that taught you that song

should hanging by the rope.

Get up.

Let me play something for you.

You've got to sing something with a lot of class.

All right.

Let's go.

[piano music]

[non-english singing]

[applause]

Wow!

Amazing.

Jimmy, you should take her out on the stage with you sometime.

- Yeah. - Lucky dude.

DANNY: Huh?

She's too smart for show business.

What are you talking about?

Do you know what's going to happen to her the next Saturday

night?

Well, The College Honorary Society is giving

a big banquet in her honor.

Really?

On account of her being the top student

in the whole graduating class.

How about that, my kid?

Well, that's wonderful, Carla.

Yeah.

It could be wonderful, but it won't.

What?

Why?

What do you mean?

Uncle Jimmy won't be there with me.

What?

How come, Jim?

Well, ain't it obvious?

DANNY: What?

I don't fit in with that educated crowd.

Oh, what are you talking-- you'll fit in with any crowd.

Oh, of course you do, Jimmy.

And you better get used to having college kids

around the house because now that Carla is back,

they're going to be here all the time.

You bet.

He'll be pretty gay, won't he Carla?

What's the matter?

Jimmy, is something wrong?

Well-- no, there's nothing wrong, only Carla ain't going

to be living with me.

KATHY: What?

You're kidding.

No, he's quite serious.

He's sending me to live with my aunt in Boston.

Oh, but why?

The environment there is more suitable to a college graduate.

Well, it is.

You ought to be glad you're living with your Aunt Julia.

She runs around with all them classy eggheads.

And you know the kind of company that hangs around my house--

song pluggers, comics, the Broadway bunch.

What kind of company is that for a college graduate?

Why, my friends ain't even good company for me.

I want to be with you.

I want to do things for you, take care of you,

repay, in some small way, for all you've done for me.

I appreciate that, honey.

But I know you'll be much better off living with your aunt.

Oh, Uncle Jimmy.

[crying]

Well, what are you looking at?

An old fool.

She will be much better off living with her Aunt.

Ah, bah.

If she lives with me, her friends

would be coming to visit her.

So?

My joint ain't exactly loaded with culture.

The only painting I got on the wall was a bowl of fruit.

If that wouldn't be so bad, only the banana risks peeling.

Silliest excuse I ever heard my whole life.

How could she bring her friends to my place?

Oh, come on.

She's running around with a smart crowd.

Say, do you know who she graduated with?

Who?

Sigmund cum laude.

Sigmund cum laude?

I never met the guy, but I know he's not my type.

Jimmy, Jimmy, look.

You're just imagining a problem that doesn't exist.

Then you've got to go to that banquet with Carla.

Get to know her friends.

Let them get to know you.

If they ever get to know me, Carla's sock.

Oh, stop.

It it'd be different if I could

hit them with some goodies about books or paintings or art or--

Look, wait, I can help you there if that's

all that's bothering you.

I can help you there.

Huh?

Jimmy, people aren't born knowing the difference

between a Rembrandt or a Picasso or the arts

or the sciences or anything else.

They got to learn it. I learned it.

You can learn it, too. - Learn it?

Yeah.

Look, Danny, if you're hinting that I

should go back to school, there's

something you should know.

What's that?

I failed kindergarten.

So did I.

Twice?

You don't need a formal education

to get on with people.

I don't care who they are.

Now once they get to know you, they're gonna love you.

I know it.

Danny, who's kidding who?

I'll never make it with that bunch.

You've got to make it.

You've got to make it for Carla's sake.

Now, you're the only parent that kid has ever known.

And now you want to send her away because you're scared.

You'll break her heart.

You'll break your stool.

You'll be the lonesomeness guy in the world.

Now, Jimmy, listen, we'll brush up.

We'll read some books.

We'll go to the art gallery.

We'll get you the right clothes.

We'll meet those people, and I guarantee,

you'll make a hit with them.

Danny, I can do it.

Jimmy, you gotta try it.

And if it works, Carla can stay home.

But, Danny.

If it doesn't work, at least you tried.

All right.

Forget it. I ain't going to do it.

Yes, you are.

- Oh, no, I ain't. - You are.

I say I ain't.

And I say you are.

Holy smokes.

I've locked horns with a horn bigger than my horn.

[music playing]

Holy--

Splendid.

Splendid.

How does it feel, Mr. Durante?

Mr. Durante?

Jimmy, say something.

Who could talk?

I can't talk.

I'm just breathing.

Loosen the button.

Loosened the button.

What is this, a suit or a straight jacket?

Oh.

Don't ever do that to me again.

When this nose breathes it in, it's

got to have someplace to go.

I'm going to tell you, you will have

to loosen it a little Mr. Carl.

Don't loosen it a little.

Loosen it a lot.

I want the shoulders bigger, the sleeves lengthened,

and the waist let out.

And while you're at it, get rid of that label.

It tickles.

I'm sorry that you don't approve of my efforts to give

you a more elegant appearance.

Well, don't cry your little eyes out.

Fortunately, today is not a total lost.

[music playing]

Oh, Jim, Jim, don't miss this.

Jim, Jimmy, look at it.

Gainsborough's famous painting, the Blue Boy.

Blu Boy, huh? - That's right.

But you like to own a thing like that, wouldn't you?

Sure.

Say, can I get one in red?

No.

That's the only one of them, and it comes in blue.

Danny. DANNY: What?

What kind of a train is this?

What's the matter?

Why they got risque pictures?

What are you talking about?

That gay mane got any closer.

That's the famous Lady Godiva.

That's the work of Thomas Oswalt.

Thomas Oswalt?

Yeah.

Does his mother know what he does for a living?

Well, Jimmy, this is a wonderful work of art,

part of a great culture.

I think I got enough of culture.

Let's get out of here.

Wait a minute.

What's the matter?

Don't nobody wear any clothes around here except the kids?

Don't you know that that's a famous piece of sculpture?

Don't give me that.

This place is loaded with pornography.

It is not.

That's a sculpture by Rodin.

It's world famous.

It's called The Thinker.

The Thinker?

Right.

I bet I know what he's thinking about.

He's wondering where he left his pants.

[music playing]

The oil in the soil soon began to boil.

The "earl" in the "surl" soon began to "burl."

Here you go, Dad.

Oh, fine, thank you, son.

Now, you hold this.

This will come in real handy.

This is a great book, "Bartlett's Quotations."

"Bartlett's Quotations?"

You've heard of "Bartlett's Quotations," haven't you?

No, but I'm familiar with his pears.

Hold on.

This-- this book comes in handy because people

sitting around conversing, you want to get

into the conversation, you see.

So you walk up and you say, what's

happened to literature today?

And then you hit him with a line like this.

The quality of mercy is not strained.

It dropeth as the gentle rain from heaven

upon the place beneath.

It is twice blessed.

It blessed him that giveth and him that takes.

Believe me, they'll be impressed.

They'll have nothing on me.

I'll be awestrucketh.

Listen, shall I buckle up the stick to maketh pear.

What's that you have there?

Oh, this?

It's a summary of the development of the United

States, Canada, Brazil, Mexico, Argentina,

Chile, Paraguay, Uruguay, Venezuela, Guatemala,

and so forth.

Show off.

If I was to scuff all that names in my head,

there wouldn't be any room for brain.

Danny, who are we kidding?

I can't pull this off.

Sure you can, Jim.

We're doing fine.

Oh, no, we ain't.

All the books and that galleries and skinny clothes,

they ain't gonna change nothing.

Let's face it.

You can't make a gentleman out of a mug overnight.

Not that I don't appreciate you trying, Dan.

You've been great.

Listen to me, Jim.

I'm sorry, Dan.

I'm calling the whole thing off.

But, Jimmy.

I'm calling it off!

Hi, dad.

Hi.

Oh, Jimmy, wait until you see the dress we found for Carla.

It's beautiful, Uncle Jimmy.

You'll be so proud of me Saturday night.

Oh, sure, I will, kid.

But listen, there's something I got to talk

to you about, about Saturday.

Oh, Uncle Jimmy.

I know how hard you've been working getting ready for it,

and I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

It's going to be the happiest night of my life.

All my friends, you, there to share it with me, I'm so lucky.

Come on, Carla.

Let's go up and see what we can do with this hem.

Rusty, would you get me my sewing basket?

Sure, mom.

What am I going to do?

I'm trapped.

Atta boy, Jim.

You go through with this, and you'll be

the happiest man in the world.

Now, just relax.

I'm scared, Dan.

I'm scared.

But there's nothing to be afraid of, Jimmy.

We'll get some new books.

And we'll read them, and everything will be fine.

Now, trust me, will you--

But I can't--

I bet this will be a good book for Uncle Jimmy.

What's that?

It's called Puffin is Duck.

Oh.

But you said he was just staring to read books.

And this is the book that I started with.

I know. But this is different.

Wait a minute, Dan. DANNY: Why?

This looks like pretty good stuff.

Look, Puff.

Look at the dog run.

Look.

Look, Puff.

Look at the dog play.

Look.

Look.

Bring on them collisions.

Durante is ready.

[music playing]

Jimmy, Why you doing that hiding?

- I ain't hiding. - Yes, you are.

No.

I'm just standing there, enjoying it.

Say, that Carla's sure a big hit with this much.

Hey, you should know and you're the guy

that won that missile legs.

I ain't, no.

But I want to thank you for dragging me over here.

OK.

Say, Danny, now that Carla's got the award, what do you

say we leave where we're ahead?

I mean, Jimmy, you're the only family he's got.

You got to mingle with the guests.

Now, go on, mingle.

What do you got there?

Well, I couldn't get anywhere with the books you gave me,

so I went out and bought myself an almanac.

Almanac, what for?

It's filled with interesting facts.

For two bits, I could converse with anybody.

Just-- Jimmy, just do me a favor.

Just stick to the books we used, will you?

I got to make a phone call.

Now, stay out of trouble.

Now, go mingle.

Oh, no.

No, I can't hurry.

I maintain the report of the Macintosh Committee

as most significant.

No doubt about it.

Their findings may well initiate a drastic change

in the economy of Mexico.

Mexico.

Well, ultimately, I suppose.

But unless there's a trend toward stabilization,

the future of the country is uncertain.

I beg to differ.

Why?

I happen to be in a position to tell

you that all is well in Mexico.

From 1950 to 1955, the annual birth rate of the chihuahua

increased 60%, 60%.

But what does that prove?

Well, if things were so uncertain,

would the Chihuahuans be raising large families?

And I take it, you're all familiar with the phrase, has

goes to Chihuahua, so goes enchilada.

Stop off the Florida Keys and do a little fishing.

Oh, there's great fishing down there, especially

if the barracuda are running.

I understand the barracuda is very exciting fishing,

and I like that.

Very true, very true.

But did you know that the barracuda lays over six million

eggs every three months?

Jesus!

I don't want to seem rude, but that doesn't interest me.

That's because you're not a barracuda.

Oh, what's happened to literature today?

For instance, look, Puff.

Look at the dog run.

Look.

Look.

They don't write lines like that anymore.

What are you doing?

I'm mingling, but they don't seem to be mingling back.

Come on.

I better get out of here before I spoiled Carla's evening.

What are you talking about?

I-- like I told you.

Jimmy, you can't leave now.

Where you want to go?

I want to call up the airline and make reservations

for college trip to Boston.

Please, please.

I was all wrong, having you put on that phony act.

I was completely wrong.

Do me a favor, just be yourself, and everything will be fine.

I'm leaving with you or without you.

- Jimmy, you can't leave. - I'm leaving.

Jimmy, listen. Jimmy, Jimmy, listen.

I'm leaving.

Give-- give me a drum roll, will you?

Ladies and gentlemen, attention, please.

Please-- please forgive this intrusion.

Ah, my name is Danny Williams.

You-- you don't know me, but I'm taking the liberty

of addressing you because I have known your guest of honor

ever since she was a little child.

And tonight, your tribute to her has made her very, very happy.

But I'm sure you can make her even doubly happy if you get

to know the man who's been both father and mother to her,

practically all of her life.

I'd like you to get to know one of the most lovable characters

in all of show business, Carla's Uncle Jimmy Durante in person.

Oh, no, no.

Speech!

Speech!

Speech!

Come on, say something.

Thank you for this.

I'm not much at speech making.

Why don't you sing a song?

Yeah!

Yeah!

Thank you.

Thank you.

And now, I shall endeavor to place something apropos

to the dignity of the occasion.

Rachmaninoff's Prelude in C Major, with an extra F.

Shall we then?

Oh, no, no, no.

Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, let's--

Jimmy, Jimmy!

Jimmy, they don't want that.

They want Durante as he really is.

Isn't that right, kids?

Yeah!

[applause]

OK.

If you want Durante as he really is,

that's how you're gonna get him.

[laughter]

[piano intro]

[SINGING] Say, once upon a time they sang the fo,

de, oh, do.

But that was long ago.

Then everybody started in the boop be doop be doop.

They got tired of that, you know.

I could've went further, but there ain't enough notes.

[SINGING] But the tune for you and me

is that swinging symphony.

They call it Inka dinka doo.

Inka dinka doo.

Oh, what a tune for crooning.

Inka dinka do a dinka doo a dinka doo.

It's got the whole world swooning.

You know, folks, last week I was down in Las Vegas.

One night I walked into the casino,

walked up to a slot machine, and I put a lev dollar in a slot.

And what do you think came out?

The manager.

[SINGING] Inka dinka doo a dinka dee and a dinka dee.

Simply music.

A dinka dee, a dinka doo.

First you tip your hat-ta.

And then you inka this-a.

DANNY: What are you doing?

Yeah!

[laughs]

Come on, everybody!

[SINGING INAUDIBLY]

[music playing]

What in Heaven's name are you made up for?

Now that I've been accepted by the college crowd,

I want to be ready in case they vote

me the sweetheart of Sigma Chi.

[theme music]