Original subtitles

[theme music]

I'll get some liquor.

I'll get it honey, sit still.

Wonderful evening Kathy, and your dinner, I tell you

I give it four stars.

Aw, thank you, Charlie.

I'm glad you enjoyed it.

You know something, I've eaten in the best restaurants,

but there's no place in the world I'd rather eat

than right here in this house.

And you want to know why? I'll tell you why.

Because it doesn't cost a cent.

Because it doesn't--

no, no-- because I happen to enjoy Kathy's cooking.

Oh I'll say you do.

You know if food was money, he'd have

the richest stomach in town.

The way he attacks a plate is like a vacuum

cleaner with teeth.

So you've got a husband who likes to eat,

there's nothing wrong with that, and I'm very flattered Charlie.

Thank you

How about another piece of banana cream pie?

Sure I'd love some--

No he doesn't want any.

No I don't want any.

Why don't I want any?

Charlie, you know what happens when you stuff yourself.

Your stomach starts barking-- you're up all night,

so no more banana cream pie.

Bunny you seem to have forgotten one thing,

this is America, land of the free.

Brave men have fought and died at Valley Forge in the winter

of '76 so that I, Charley Halper,

could be born with the inalienable right

to eat what I please!

Does that mean you want another piece

of banana cream pie?

No it means I studied American history.

Ah, that's it, of course he can't.

Now you're being sensible.

Oh listen honey you better take one of your green pills

and give your little stuffed body a chance for a comeback.

Thank you Dr. Schweitzer.

Bunny, a little creme de menthe?

Oh!

Oh yes I'd love something

DANNY: Fine, fine.

How about you Charlie, would you like a little brandy?

Yeah Danny--

No he doesn't want any.

You know, 10 years ago at our wedding, I said I do.

That was the last time I was allowed to answer for myself.

Charlie you know I only do it for your own good,

this stuff is poison for you.

Can I help it, I'm crazy about poison!

Fine so who-- who in the middle of the night,

when you wake up screaming, has to come to your rescue?

Me!

The Clara Barton of the indigestion set.

Nancy am nursing wife, that's who I am.

Well go head, go on Charlie, if you want to do it go ahead.

But if you get upset tonight, don't

call me, call the Red Cross.

Wouldn't do me any good if the Red Cross came, you wouldn't

let me eat their donuts.

It's that I don't want you to get fat, so--

Ah, you kids eating your ice cream.

How about a hand of pinochle, Charlie?

Love it Danny.

No I don't think he should play.

Why, pinochle is fattening?

No, Danny, but you know how excited Charley

gets when he plays cards.

It's not good for him!

Starts twitching, he gets palpitations,

he breaks out in a rash, and his eyeballs pop out!

And that's when he's winning, you should

see him when he's losing.

Oh come on.

No Danny, listen, I'm not kidding.

You know I know this guy, I've been

married to him for 10 years.

10 glorious years.

From the moment she carried me across the threshold.

Well listen honey, I think we'd better be going.

Hey Kathy, we're leaving.

KATHY: Oh DANNY: Why so soon?

KATHY: Your leaving so soon.

Well listen, the little one's got an early morning

appointment, and I know what he's like when he doesn't

get that eight hour sleep.

It's so hard for me to fall asleep Mommy, you

always rock my cradle too fast.

Get your coat.

I'll get it, I'll get it.

Sorry you're leaving so soon.

Hey, Charl, got a new coat huh?

Yeah, I bought it last week.

Nice looking, where did you get it?

Um, where?

Yeah, where did you buy it?

Well, um--

Charlie, you-- you bought a new coat, right?

Where did you buy it?

I bought it for him at Frederick's.

Danny never lets me buy anything for him.

He won't even let me stand outside the store

window and point!

Not after what you did to me at Miami Beach, I won't.

Well what happened in Miami Beach?

I let her shop for me.

Bought me Bermuda shorts.

Well what's wrong with Bermuda shorts?

I think men are adorable in them.

Purple velvet?

We walked down the beach--

I got more whistles than she did!

And she was wearing a bikini.

That's because you have such darling dimples.

Oh never mind

Listen I hate to break this up kids, but we have to go.

Kathy that was a lovely dinner, thank you.

Goodnight, Danny.

Oh-- Oh-- Oh, wait a minute, I'm out of cigars.

Hey Dan, can I mooch one for the walk home?

Can I mooch a cigar please?

Oh that's swell, thank you--

What are you doing?

It wouldn't hurt you for change

to walk home without a cigar.

I won't be able to get one until I get home.

Oh, what a tragedy, we live all the way around the corner!

Look honey, if you didn't have a little cigar

stuck in your mouth, you might accidentally

inhale some fresh air.

So come on, forget it, come on.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, Bunny!

Now look, we're gonna get something straightened out,

and we're gonna get it straightened out here and now!

You think you're going to stop me from smoking my cigars?

Yes.

We got that straightened out, goodnight.

What book you reading Russ?

The "Taming of the Shrew"

How is it?

Long.

What's a shrew?

A Dame

Russell.

I'm sorry.

Honey, a shrew is a domineering woman.

Bosses a man around, runs his whole life,

tells him what to do and when to do it.

That's a shrew.

Oh, that's what I want to be when I grow up.

A shrew?

If you don't get off to school,

you'll be a dumbbell when you grow up.

Now hurry up, you'll be late.

You to Russ.

Be good at school now kids, hear?

RUSSELL: I will dad.

Rusty pick up my books!

Pick them up yourself!

I guess you need a lot of practice to be a good shrew.

We've got lots of time for that.

Bye mom, bye dad.

Bye bye.

That kid says the cutest things.

Hey-- that's it!

That's what?

"The Taming of the Shrew," you remember what it was about.

This mild mannered fellow who--

who cured his bossy wife by acting tough?

So?

Well it's kind of bugging me the way Charley

lets Bunny boss him around.

Charlie do this, Charlie do that.

Don't eat that, eat that.

Don't drink this.

Come on let's go home.

Picks his clothes and all that.

Why don't we borrow the plot from Shakespeare

and get Charlie to fight back.

Charlie fight back at Bunny?

Oh, Danny you're dreaming.

If I give that guy a pep talk, I

guarantee you, he'll stand right up with his shoulders squared,

look her right in the eye--

And faint.

You're right.

Sure would like to help the little guy though.

Oh, now, Danny leave them alone.

They've been married for 10 years

and nothing's going to change them now.

Hey I got an idea.

Why don't I talk to Bunny?

I mean-- tell her that Charlie gets these indigestion attacks

only when he's aggravated.

And 2 to 1, she's the one who's aggravating him.

I've got a better idea.

What?

Mind your own business.

Oh, I'm telling you.

You know you just told me that, you just alerted me.

What is it with a wife, a husband, I mean--

It's like the father said, behind every successful man

there's a woman who thinks he's an idiot.

Poor persecuted thing, I feel so sorry for you.

Look honey, they're our friends,

and friends should their friends.

The the best way to keep friends

is to leave friends alone!

Now Danny, please don't interfere

in other people's lives.

I never interfere in other people's lives.

I've never done that!

I never interfere.

As long as I've lived I have never interfered

in other people's lives.

And every time I did they were grateful for it!

Sure, just the way Bert and Janet were.

Bert and Janet?

Yes, Bert and Janet Morgan.

Oh, you stepped in there and patched up

their little domestic troubles, didn't you?

Oh boy, did you just stick your pretty toes

right in your beautiful mouth that time!

Oh, I'm so glad you picked that for a for instance.

It so happens, I saw Bert and speaked the other day

and he said he and Janet are getting along just great.

Of course, now he's married to Shirley.

Can't help it if they didn't take my advice.

Danny please, do me a personal favor and-- and just

leave them alone.

Please don't rock the boat, don't make waves!

Just one little ripple.

Not even a bubble.

OK.

Not just OK, promise.

All right I promise.

Solemn promise.

All right, solemn promise.

And I tell you Bunny, you're the reason he

gets those indigestion attacks!

You aggravate him.

He never gets them unless he's aggravated

and you aggravate him.

But Danny, I love him, I was only trying to protect him.

Sweetheart, you're overprotecting him.

You're smothering the guy.

You're absolutely positively destroying his masculine pride.

I am?

Yes you am.

Gee Danny, is that what it seems like to an outsider.

I'm afraid so dear.

Gee Danny, I--

I really didn't mean it to come out like that.

I know

Well it's-- it's just that I worry about him Danny.

Of course

Well you know-- you know how he pushes

himself and drives himself.

Everything he does, he overdoes.

I Know

And as far as taking care of himself, well jeez,

he's like a little boy.

And that's when I start giving the orders,

telling him to watch his diet and then-- and how much to rest

and, all the rest of it.

That's it, that's it.

Well Danny, I really--

I wouldn't do anything in the world

if I thought I was hurting him.

Bunny listen to me, I know that,

but you just hit it just now when you

said he's like a little boy.

That's what's the matter!

You treat him like a little boy, so he think he's a little boy.

You've got to treat him like a man.

Make him feel he is a man, the King of his castle.

You really think that would make him happy?

You just try it and he'll never have those indigestion

attacks anymore.

You just try it.

All right Danny, I'll try.

Because I-- I really love that little character,

and there isn't anything in the world I

wouldn't do to make him happy.

I know that too.

Hey, Danny, hi!

Charlie you're back!

You-- you didn't want me to come back?

Of course I wanted you to come back.

Be careful, you'll bust the eggs.

Oh, well you shouldn't have gone shopping

in the first place, why--

why grocery shopping is a woman's job, and--

and Charlie, you're a man.

Yeah, yeah.

Anyway darling, I'm--

I'm glad you're back.

Now you may not be so glad when you

find out I forgot the salami.

Oh, darn the old salami.

oh gee, Charlie, I love you.

Kiss me.

Kiss me.

Gee, it feels so funny from up here.

Well I'll get some liqueurs.

I'll get them sweetheart, sit down sit down, sit down.

Kathy, there's one thing about your dinners,

you never strikeout.

Never a loser here, especially that strawberry shortcake.

Oh, Charlie, you are my favorite dinner guest.

Thank you

Ah, would you like some chocolate?

Oh, no thank you.

Bunny says too much--

Oh, Darling it's not up to Bunny, it's up to you.

Well, I'll take a green pill later.

Bunny?

No-- no, thanks, yeah.

Some brandy, Charlie?

Um.

Well, it's up to you dear.

If you want one, go ahead, take it.

Uh, yeah, I'll--

I'll-- I'll have some brandy, yeah.

I have a feeling somebody's been making waves.

Well if somebody has, we're sailing very smoothly.

Hey uh, Carlo?

Thank you Dan.

How about you, Bunny, a little creme de menthe?

No, no, no. Thanks, Dan.

No, really?

Boy is my liver going to be surprised.

Long time, no see, eh Mac?

Glad you enjoyed that.

Say, how would you like a cigar Charley?

Boy I-- I hope I can remember this dream when

I wake up in the morning so I--

so I can tell my friends about it.

Here let me--

let me light it for you honey.

No, no, no-- you better not light it,

because if this is a dream, I shouldn't smoke in bed.

I, um I-- I-- think, uh--

I think I'll have some-- some more

of that strawberry shortcake right now, huh?

Now?

On top of the cigar and the brandy?

Well-- well why not Kathy?

I mean if-- if Charley wants it, he should have it.

Well, all right.

I better make some fresh coffee.

Oh well, I'll--

I'll help you Kathy.

Charley, Charley, how did you ever do it?

I didn't--

I didn't do nothing.

I didn't do nothing!

She flipped!

She's sick, oh she's sick, huh?

She's not sick, what makes you say that?

By god, what with all the hugging, and the kissing.

And the, what do you want Charlie?

And, what do you think Charlie?

You don't think she flipped?

If she's flipped, she's flipped for you.

Huh?

Don't you see, Charlie?

She's just getting used to the idea

that you're the boss of the house.

Well now if I can just get used to it

we'd make a wonderful couple.

You will, you will.

Hey Charlie, listen, I want you to hear this!

I think it'll make a great middle line number.

Listen-- listen to this, listen.

[music playing]

[SINGING] I want to be happy, but I won't be happy,

till I make you happy too.

Life should be worth living when you are [inaudible] given.

Why don't I give some to you?

When skies are gray and you are blue,

I'll bring the sunshine to you.

Oh, I want to be happy, but I won't be , happy

till I make you happy too.

Oh, when skies are gray and you say you are blue,

I'll bring the sunshine to you.

Want to be happy, but I won't be happy,

till I make you happy too.

How about that Charley, huh?

Huh, you good?

How you doing pal?

Charley?

Charley?

Oh, hiya Danny.

Hiya Danny?

I just sang a whole song for you, what do you mean--

what's the-- what's wrong with you?

I didn't-- I didn't--

Oh Danny please, don't bother me with the songs,

I got a lot of troubles at home.

What troubles at home? What's the matter?

Weird!

The whole thing is weird. DANNY: What's weird?

You know what my wife said to me last night?

No what?

She said, I hear the boys are going

to play poker tonight at the Friars Club,

I guess you're planning to go?

So I said, if it's all right with you Darling.

You know what she said?

No what'd she say?

You won't believe it

DANNY: What'd she say?

It's the weirdest thing.

What'd she say?

She said have a good time.

That's not weird, Charley, that's wonderful.

That's wonderful?

It ain't only that, I mean it ain't only that.

She's driving me crazy with them cigar butts!

What about?

She don't complain about me leaving

them around anymore, you know.

Before it used to be, I just left

one cigar butt-- big thing!

But now, weird, weird I tell you!

I don't like it, them cigar butts, they bother me.

Hello?

Yeah?

Oh hello angel puss.

Yes, darling.

Just a minute sweetheart.

It's my wife.

I didn't think it was the plumber.

Huh?

What dear?

About our vacation?

Where we-- well, you-- you always do the planning Bunny.

I mean, you're the one who always--

yeah but-- you want--

Yeah?

Uh huh?

Uh huh?

I will I will help you.

I'll-- I'll work on it honey.

Goodbye dear.

There is a witch doctor in here somewhere.

What?

This is the weirdest yet!

What's weird?

She wants me to decide where we're going for our vacation!

So decide!

Yeah, but she never let me decide before!

Charley, this is an entirely new regime now, you understand?

Bunny realizes you are the boss!

I'm-- I'm the boss?

Of course you're the boss!

You should be happy about it.

Well I-- I am happy--

- Be real happy. - I mean, I'm--

I'm-- Show me how happy.

I'm happy!

Real happy!

I'm the happiest man in the world!

Oh my stomach--

So, well, when you phoned him Nancy, I brought him here.

Well is-- is he all right now?

Oh, he's just fine.

He's been resting for over an Hour.

Yeah he's great, he's fine.

Well gee, I just don't understand it.

I mean, why should he have an attack now?

Danny, I did everything you said.

Bunny, you've been wonderful, all right.

Oh, so you're here.

Oh, Charley, Darling, are you all right?

Yeah I'm-- I'm, I'm all right.

Well listen Charley, why don't you come

home and rest in your own bed.

And I'll leave the house.

I'll-- I'll kind of go out shopping, and you

can have absolute quiet, OK?

Going shopping, huh?

Uh-huh

Alone?

Well, yes.

Well uh, you're not meeting anybody?

Well no, who would I be meeting?

Uh-huh.

Well if you're not meeting anybody,

why don't we go shopping together?

I thought you wanted to rest?

I don't want to rest, I want to go shopping with you.

Well-- well, whatever you say dear.

You're the boss.

I am?

Uh-huh

Well suppose I say, like, we'll go downtown so you

can pick out a new suit for me.

Oh no, no, dear, I wouldn't presume to do that.

You're-- you're the man, you should pick out your own suit.

Any style, any color?

You-- you don't care?

No, no, I don't care.

Why don't you say it!

Say-- say-- say-- say-- say what?

If you want a divorce, be a man and say so!

A divorce?

You heard me, don't beat around the bush!

You don't love me, you want to get rid of me!

Charley, how can you say that?

I can say that, it's very easy.

Ah, you don't know what's been going on.

Letting me do everything I want, letting me say everything

I want.

Oh, very simple, why?

Don't want me around anymore.

The cream pies, the brandy--

you know it's poison for me, but did you say stop?

No.

You said go go, take anything you want, Charley!

Sure, you figured it'd be a little time--

poof!

I'll be finished.

Oh, Charley, for crying out--

You keep your big nose out of this!

And then letting me leave my cigar box around

the house, huh?

Oh, that was a very clever move, sure.

So his cigar box and my cigar box would mingle?

And like that, I'd never suspect he was there, huh!

Who Charley?

Who?

Him, that's who-- him.

Who-- Who do you got lined up for my replacement?

Who's the--

That's about enough out of you, Charley Halper.

Huh?

Am I to understand that you are saying that I

don't love you anymore, just because I

stopped bossing you around?

Well, I thought--

Well stop thinking and listen!

Yes ma'am.

There is only one man in the world that I love,

and that is you.

You understand?

You and nobody else but you.

You are the one I love.

I love you!

Even with a hole in my chest?

And the very idea-- you have a lot of nerve to even think

that there was anybody else!

Well--

Now be quiet and listen!

Yeah, yeah.

That's the trouble, you've been doing entirely too

much talking lately.

Yes I have, yes I have.

And it's going to stop, do you understand?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

And another thing, from here on in you're

going to drink what's good for you,

you're going to eat what's good for you,

and you're going to get your proper rest.

Uh-huh

And I'm going to see to it that you do.

Uh-huh, yeah. Yeah--

Now come on.

Wait, wait, wait, wait-- wait a minute, where are we going?

To pick out a new suit for you.

And if you even dare suggest a color,

I will break every bone in your body.

She loves me.

[music playing]

[SINGING] May someone happy, make just one someone happy,

make just one heart the heart you sing to One

smile that cheers you.

One face that lights when it nears you.

One girl, you're everything to.

Fame, if you win it, comes and goes in a minute.

Where's the real stuff in life to cling to?

Love is the answer.

Someone to love is the answer.

Once you've found her, build your world around her.

Make someone happy, one someone happy.

And you will be happy too.

Gee, Danny, you sang that like it really came from the heart.

It certainly did, because I got a wonderful someone

to be happy with.

You Really mean that?

What a silly question, I wore your cockamamie Bermudas,

didn't I?

What more do you want?