Original subtitles

Okay, Frank, pass me that safety barrier so nobody gets injured when they walk

in this area.

Hey, you two guys, come over here. I want you to help me with this sign.

Have you guys got Bobcat licences?

Yeah.

Campaign staff, friends and colleagues, a new era is dawning in the political

landscape of our great nation.

Now more than ever, we must unite as a cohesive force and look to the future.

The election is in 14 days and we have much work to do.

I want the voters to realise that I'm a servant of the people.

I want the voters to know that I'm full of integrity.

I want the voters to think that I'm... Jesus Christ!

Look at me. Look at my activities. Mr. Foreman. Mr. Foreman. Bit of a lie. Bit

of a lie about the bobcat licenses. Yeah. Bit of a lie.

I got the feeling.

Got a bit of an inkling.

This is going to be one of those days.

This is a show about me.

And me. And all the things I do and all the things I see.

And also what I see. I got the feeling.

Got a bit of an inkling.

As long as we're together, it'll be okay.

Ladies and gentlemen, as the only surviving member of my family,

I have decided to play my mother's favourite tune as we

say goodbye.

She loved this song.

The pipes, the pipes are poured from glen to

glen and down.

Listen to this, Bradley.

Why should we vote for Vera Watkins?

How can an unfeeling woman who has never married and never had children possibly

represent the average Australian?

From the latest polls showing a dramatic drop in her support, it seems the

voters might be starting to feel the same way.

It's absurd.

Unfeeling? It's ridiculous.

Oh, excuse me, could you leave that door open?

I like to listen to the lobsters scream when they're thrown in the boiling

water.

This is the obituary I put in the paper for my mum.

It's a poem that I wrote.

You were my mother, you were my mum.

My mum, my mum, my mum.

And now, when I hear a motorbike engine, thoughts of you will come.

You know.

Good afternoon, Rob.

Afternoon, fellas.

Sorry to hear about your mother, Cole.

Thanks.

Cole, this is for you.

Oh, thanks.

I don't want that thing.

No, I don't. I'd prefer not to.

No, I don't want it. Thank you.

You can keep that.

Because I don't really... I'd really prefer to, you know, just... You know,

I'd rather not. I mean, I appreciate the offer, but, you know, I'm really not

that... Interested.

Wow. First you find out that your mother died.

Then you find out that she's not your real mother.

You're adopted.

Adopted. That must feel really weird. Does that feel really weird?

Realising you've spent your whole life living with a stranger?

What are you talking about?

She may not have been my biological mum.

She may not have been my flesh and blood.

But she was my mum.

She gave me a mother's love.

She was there when I learned how to walk. She was there when I learned how

ride a bike.

And when I was bullied at school by a kid who stole my lunch and gave me a

wedgie by pulling my undies up my bum, it was her who advised me to give up

teaching.

The two gentlemen out there have been waiting for quite a while. Yay!

I can't believe she's not your real mum.

No, she's not your real mum.

Your mum.

Mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum.

Mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum. Mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum.

She isn't your mum.

Mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum.

Mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum. Mum, mum, mum.

like a real person, but it's actually the machine.

Outrageous.

Mr. Bodie, the young man Colin Lano has been waiting out there for ages.

Colin Lano?

Why the hell didn't you tell me? This is important.

Hey, Cole, this form lets you change your name to whatever you want. It's

changing your name by deed poll.

Legally, I could change my name to Paul Smith or Eggplant Populopolis

III.

Just in case I'm ever arrested for murder, I could change it to an

innocent man. And that way when the judge comes out, he'll have to say,

are trying an obviously innocent man.

Mr. Pote, you'll see you now.

Have a seat.

Can I get you a lemon water?

Yeah, sure.

Right.

I'm responsible.

for telling you the name of your biological mother.

And her name is Vera Watkins.

I'm so glad my mum agreed to meet me.

You're so lucky having such a famous mum.

I mean, my mum, all she ever does is sit at home all alone and knit.

She's so boring.

I wish that someone would take her out.

Right, and make it look like an accident.

No, I mean take her out to dinner.

Oh, right.

Frank, I don't think it's appropriate that you sit with us.

This is a private moment between me and my mum.

I'll just, um... I'll just stand over here.

Just stand there.

Just stand there and do nothing.

Just stand there but be inconspicuous.

Inconspicuous.

Front. Okay.

If you were a soldier in the Vietnam War in the jungle, would you be going...

Huh?

Now, just stand there and don't attract attention.

She said she'd be here at one o 'clock.

I think that would be quite a good strategy, actually.

What?

If you're a soldier and you went through the jungle going...

You know, because your enemy would probably just go...

Oh, my God, she's here.

Right, you sit here.

Sit down.

Now, this is a very tender and poignant occasion.

Don't stuff it up.

Son.

Mum.

Not your mum.

Now, tell

me something about yourself. What are your goals?

What are your aspirations?

Your dreams?

Well... Well, I do have a dream.

But I'm sort of embarrassed about it.

It's probably just pie in the sky.

Come on, tell me what it is.

It's probably not going to happen. It just seems so unattainable.

The only way your dreams can come true is by believing in them.

Well, what I've always wanted to do...

is raise money for charity by walking around Australia on my lips.

When we think two lobsters, have you seen them?

No, no.

It's so cruel, I reckon.

The way lobsters are eaten, it's so inhumane. I just can't understand how

can be like that.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

My new mum.

She's fantastic.

Gee, it's going to be great at the press conference when she makes the

announcement. All of us there together.

Me and mum and you.

No, me and mum.

Yeah, that's what I said. Me and mum. And you.

No, it's just me and mum.

Me and mum and you. No, it's mum and I.

And you stay home.

No, you can come.

She's not your...

That lobster thing was pretty weird, though.

Did you see the way that that other lobster was looking at me?

Paul, don't be ridiculous.

It's a crustacean, for goodness sake. It's got a brain the size of a pea.

It's not like it's going to have a vendetta against you.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I'm just being paranoid.

What would our mum say if she heard you talking like that?

Ladies and gentlemen.

Over recent weeks, a smear campaign has been launched against me, depicting me

as a heartless egotist, as I am unmarried and have no children.

Although I believe my privacy is sacred, I feel I have no choice but to tell you

the truth.

And if that means... And if that...

means the Australian people do not wish me as their leader, then so be it.

When I was 16 years old, I was engaged to be married to a noble young soldier

our great defence forces.

He was sent to Vietnam.

And the night before he left, for the first time, we spent the night together

husband and wife.

As fate would have it, I became pregnant and he was killed in battle.

My mother was a fiercely conservative woman and out of fear that my life would

be ruined, she forced me to give my baby up for adoption.

Giving up my baby broke my heart.

And this is the reason I never married or have never had.

any further children but now it is my great pleasure to introduce you to my

son Colin and invite you all to share in the joy of

our long overdue reunion ladies and gentlemen my son Colin

just love him.

Just one more down there.

Thanks.

Are you sure this is what you want to change your name to?

Yeah. It's a bit obscure, isn't it?

I reckon it's great.

It's really new IG.

Okay.

Bye. Bye.

I won't tell anyone.

You can count on me.

Get back.

I don't want to have to hurt you.

has occurred as a result of today's press conference.

According to our viewer polls, a staggering 87 % of people were impressed

Vera Watkins' heartwarming speech and reunion with her son and are now

to vote for Ms Watkins.

It's been a truly unique day for Australian politics.

Thanks for that.

That's my scooter.

I'm so glad that you're my mum.

My mum.

But

I

don't understand.

You never were my son, you never will be my son.

But why me?

You're the writer, eh?

You've got no living relatives to dispute our story.

What are we going to do?

I think we're going to have to kill him.

They're going to kill me.

They're going to kill me.

Time to a chair.

Boys.

Sit down.

Is that a chair?

Yeah, it's an ergonomic chair.

It's really very good for your posture.

Oh, right, so at least I'll have a straight back as I get killed! Just sit

the chair!

I've just done it.

I mean... Like, um... I don't know, it

can't be like... What about, um... Like...

Hello, hello.

No, look, look, look.

See how simple it is?

And it really is much better for you. See how erect my back is?

Wow.

That's really fantastic. It's really... Oh, God, please.

Come on. Come on.

Please.

I'll wait outside.

Attention. This is the police.

We have the place surrounded.

Oh, well, that's it.

Better give up then.

Come out with your hands up.

Hang on, that's coming from our speakers.

Do not look up here.

I repeat, do not look up.

Up here.

Colin Lano and your name is um sorry how do you pronounce this oh

it's pronounced

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