Original subtitles

Hey Frank, guess who's hiring the Marquis?

Leslie Ismore.

Who? The guy from the telly, the guy from Starquest.

He's having a big party.

I bet there'll be heaps of celebrities here.

Pretty exciting, hey?

Hey, maybe there'll be some big -time movie directors or something.

Maybe I'll get discovered.

Yeah.

Yeah, maybe I'll get discovered too.

Maybe you'll get discovered.

Maybe you'll get... Maybe you'll get... You

might get... Oh,

you're

gorgeous.

Come on, mister. Time for lunch.

It's going to be great in there tonight, isn't it? With all those pop stars and

dancers and actors.

I wonder if any of the great Hollywood actors will be there, Cole, like

Burton.

There's no such person, you idiot. It's either Charlton Heston or Richard

Burton.

No, Charlton Burton.

There's a Charlton Burton. He was in that film, that classic film. Everybody

loves it. The long, long eyebrow.

It's my favourite.

I've got a feeling, got a bit of an inkling.

This is going to be one of those days.

This is a show about me.

And me. And all the things I do and all the things I see.

And also what I think. I've got a feeling, got a bit of an inkling.

As long as we're together, it'll be okay.

we got fired again.

And now I won't get to meet all those famous people.

I won't get discovered, you little dickhead.

Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will only cause permanent

psychological damage.

What does the TV show ever produce?

It's Starquest.

Starquest, fantastic.

Look at me, look at me, I want everyone to look at me on Starquest.

Hi, I'm Leslie Ismore.

You're jealous.

Let's get this show off and running with our carrier the champion from last

week, the fantastic, the fabulous, Mr Ricky Supreme!

I can sing better than this guy. I

should be on the TV.

I'm on the TV.

Get it?

I'm on the TV.

Frank, get down. You'll get hurt.

Don't worry, Cole. I've got the balance of a mountain goat. Yeah, but I'll hurt

you if you don't get down.

Cole, what can possibly go wrong?

Oh, good one, Frank. Good one.

Well, look, Frank, you've wrecked the TV. How am I going to watch Starquest

Sorry. Oh, good one. Good!

At least we can still hear what's happening.

Carl, I didn't mean to... Hey,

Carl.

I've got to admit, he's quite a good mover.

Yeah, but he's shocking. Why'd it even bother?

He puts in an effort, and you've got to admire him for that.

Well, Hitler put in an effort, but should I admire him?

Hello, Gary.

Could you come over here quick, Smart?

How come?

Because there are two peeping Toms having a good look into my lounge room.

That's how come.

We're just about to start learning high kicks.

I can't miss out on this stuff. I'll fall behind.

Oh, forget it.

If you think you've got what it takes to...

Frank, quick, take this number down.

Don't hesitate. Here it is. The number is 555 -555 -5.

Number again, folks.

555 -555 -5.

What was that 11th number?

Five.

Guess what, Frank?

We're going to audition for StarQuest.

It's just so exciting.

It's just so exciting.

It's just so exciting.

Oh.

Sorry I'm late, Frankie.

wrong with me lately, you know? Trying to fit too much in, I suppose.

Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it? My God, Francis, we've got so much

work to do.

The audition's tomorrow. I want to make a good impression.

Now, let's get cracking, all right?

I guess you're right. You're damn right I'm right. Now, no time for comics.

Let's clear the space.

Come on, I want lots of space to move here. Move this table out of the way.

right, that's good, Francis. You're putting in. Good, good on you. Okay.

Now, I've worked out the opening dance routine.

All right? You follow me now. You just watch, okay? And I'll do it. Okay? Here

we go.

Five, six, seven, eight. Kickball change.

Kickball change. Point and flex. And point and flex.

Twist, thrust.

Twist, thrust.

One, two, three. Leap and hold.

Two, three, four.

And lunge. Lunge.

Leap. And one, two, three. Arms, head and bow. Finish. Okay.

Okay, your turn now. Let's quicken the pace a little, okay?

Here we go. Five, six, seven, eight. Kickball change, kickball change. Point

flex, point and flex. Twist and thrust, twist and thrust. Leap, one, two, three,

four. Leap now. Head, leap and trip and fall. Grab, fall, grab, fall.

All right, Francis Lovely, let's take a break.

Okay, Frank, Frank.

I've worked out some new lyrics. for the song we're going to do at Starquest

Audition, alright?

Now these words are quite revolutionary, okay?

They're quite avant -garde. I'm really pushing the envelope on this one. I'm

creating a whole new genre of songwriting.

Okay, this is how the chorus goes. You ready?

I'm in love, I'm in love, and that's no lie.

I'm in love, I'm in love, and I'm never going to say goodbye.

Are people ready for that? I don't care.

I don't care, Frank. If they're not ready, that's not my responsibility,

All right?

Now... Now, let's pretend we're at the TV studio, OK?

Just for argument's sake, let's pretend that the audience is... ..just over

there, OK?

All right? And we'll pretend that there's cameras here, here, here and

I never want to make you feel blue.

I never want to make you feel bad.

You know that's not the kind of thing I do.

I'm in love.

I'm in love. And that's no lie.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm in love.

I'm in love. And I never want to say goodbye.

Look, I know it's really tempting to muck around a bit because, you know, the

entertainment industry is full of colourful characters and crazy antics

of hijinks.

But behind the scenes, it's a life of great focus and we have to stay centred,

alright?

It's just that it's so exciting, Carl.

It's just so exciting.

It's just so exciting.

Good out there, Frank.

This is my big chance to make a mark in the world.

I want to be remembered. I want to be famous.

I want to be an historical figure like Alexander the Great or Scott of the

Antarctic or Weird Al Yankovic. I didn't know anybody even lived in the

Antarctic.

What?

Scott.

Scott of the Antarctic.

He wasn't from the Antarctic. He was English.

He went there on an expedition, but we haven't got time to talk about that now.

Well, why do they call him Scott of the Antarctic?

They should call him Scott who went to the Antarctic.

I mean, you know, a friend of mine, Russell, went to Thailand once, and I

call him Russell of Thailand.

Can we just get on with rehearsal, please?

Why did he go there anyway?

He wanted to be the first man to reach the South Pole, but he was beaten by

Norwegian guy.

He froze to death on the way back.

So they should call him Scott who went to the Antarctic, but probably shouldn't

have.

They were all, like, courageous and noble Englishmen, right?

And one of his, like, valiant colleagues, Oat, had this really heroic

They were in the middle of nowhere in the tent and they were freezing.

There was no food at all and they thought they were at death's door.

And Oat just got up, walked towards the door of the tent, and said with a stiff

upper lip,

I'm just going outside for a while.

I may be some time.

And he walked out into the snow, and he was never seen of again.

They didn't even find his body.

No.

Apparently, the English sent out an expedition 12 months later. Can we just

out of here?

I'm sick of not talking about something else, aren't I?

Just come on and get on back with the rehearsal.

I'm sick of you. Don't you realise what's going on here, Frank? We're grown

-ups. We're not kids anymore.

This is real life. This is not some end -of -camp concert.

This is serious business.

Just stop acting silly and just throw up.

Because this is a serious business.

I'm sorry.

Okay, Frank, try not to botch this up, all right? Just watch me, don't say a

word, and let me do the talking.

Lano and Woodley?

Oh, finally.

Coffee, white with four sugars, please.

Our dressing room must have a private bathroom. Can you tell the make -up girl

that we only use a base Max Factor 44?

That's a 4 -4, darling. We will not under any circumstances...

Take these two to the waiting room.

There's no coffee, but you can get yourself tea from the urn, and we'll get

you when we're ready.

Yes, Charlton, darling, of course.

Does he know Charlton Heston?

No, Charlton Burton.

It's just so exciting.

It's just so exciting.

I was fantastic in that audition, Frank.

When are they going to ring?

Yes?

Yep.

Right.

Okay.

Thanks for calling.

Now that hurt.

But I don't care.

Because we're on!

Come on, Frank!

They want to see our new ride away. Come on, let's get ourselves together. Come

on!

Okay, Frank, give me the car keys.

No, you've got the car keys.

No, I gave them to you.

I don't think you did.

I think that I did.

All right, stand back, Frank.

You're going to have to keep the door down.

Cole, I don't think you should... Just stand back.

But I just don't... Just stand back.

Couldn't be better.

Oh, Frank, look, there's a window open, OK? You stay here, I'll go and get the

ladder, OK? But just don't do anything until I get back.

come quick.

It's those two weirdos from over the road again.

I think they're trying to get into my flat.

Frank!

Frank! Where are you?

I thought I told you.

Right, you two, don't move.

My girlfriend wants me to sort you perverts out.

Perverts? What do you mean, perverts?

You've been watching her with binoculars.

What?

Oh, that.

No, we smashed our TV and we were watching her TV. We were watching her.

watching Starquest.

Starquest? Don't mind that, Charles. We really have to go.

Kathy said you were trying to get into her flat.

We really do have to go. We're appearing on Starquest tonight.

You're on Starquest?

Yeah.

Wow.

Well done.

Did well to get picked.

Congratulations. You must be very talented.

Thanks.

But we really do have to go.

I'm sorry, I can't let you do that.

Don't open the doors.

Let's have a number from our current champion, Mr.

Ricky Supreme.

I tell you what, instead of a number, why don't we just get him to sing us a

song, eh?

The next big thing, Mr.

Ricky Supreme.

OK, fellas, just in case Leslie wants to have a chat with you, I've got this

lapel mic for you to wear.

You see that button? That turns it on. When it's live, the red light comes on.

You all right? You listening?

Huh? Yeah.

I'll come and turn it on just before you're about to be introduced.

You got that?

Sweet.

Oh, are these two notes the same?

When the mic's on, is the red light on or off?

I think I finally got the guitar tuned.

Listen to this.

Yeah, I think if it's on, then it's off.

Look at that Ricky Supreme.

What a jerk. What an absolute closer.

Tom, have I got time to go and do a poo?

Danny boy.

Oh, Danny boy.

next act of making their television debut this evening, so be gentle with

It's their first time.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Your mic is on.

Scandal rocked the world of television last night when the popular talent show

Starquest was cancelled after it became known that it was reaped.

This was indirectly due to an abysmal performance by two of the contestants.

Here's some of the incredibly embarrassing footage from their...

You got what you wanted, Carl.

You're famous.

I'm just going outside for a while.

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