Original subtitles

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

FREEMAN: Captain's Log, stardate 59393.7.

Today, theCerritos is docked at theCosmic Duchess,

an interstellar cruise ship the size of a moon.

With a multitude of climate zones, theme parks and casinos,

there's something for everyone.

However, we are not here to relax.

[chittering]

-[screams] -A nanite cluster

has infested the resort,

consuming metal to self-replicate.

Starfleet has ordered us here to humanely capture

and study the microscopic robots.

Ooh, we're doing pest control? Fun!

Wow, I've never seen anyone happier to chase

an unpredictable robot clump through a bunch of ducts.

It's great to have you back, Tendi.

I echo Mr. Rutherford's enthusiasm.

Despite the increase in cheering,

your presence is a comfort.

Ooh, the Duchessis amazing.

[gasps] One of the space casinos

has a bunch of Dixon Hill slot machines.

240 24-hour spas, an indoor water park,

and an underwater dry park?

I don't even know what that is,

but I'm gonna find the [bleep] out.

Ooh, this is gonna be awesome.

As soon as we clean up those nanites, I'm gonna...

Sorry, Mr. Boimler, but you and I have a little side quest

we need to take care of.

Ew, don't wink. Winking's gross.

Not when I pair it with my signature smirk.

Worse.

Enjoy your mission with the big boys.

Shut up. It's great, though, right?

I'm so excited.

Ah, it's nice to finally have

a straightforward, simple mission with no drama or...

-Babe, wait up. -[winces]

Mwah.

Ah! You weren't about to leave

your girlfriend behind, were you?

[winces, shudders]

My what?

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Whoa. Um, what's with the civilian shuttle, sir?

You, me and Billups are going on a little undercover mission.

Oh, cool. I love spy stuff.

[gasps] Do we get to wear the black body suits?

Better. As of now, we're just a trio of vacation bros.

Call me Zack Ransom.

And I'm Gilbert Manhandle,

literary dilettante with a gambling addiction.

Nobody's going to remember that. You can be Zandy Billups.

Fine. But I'm still a gambling addict.

[Jet groans nearby]

Whoa, Jet, what happened to you?

Commander Ransom did.

What do you mean?

Just went on a mission and lost both my hands.

Hurts like hell, and I can't scratch my nose.

Oh-- Oh, my God, that's horrible.

Doctor T's going to grow me a new set,

but Ransom's bad, man. Real bad.

Uh, what do you mean?

The whole mission, he kept making me

do the dangerous stuff.

I got ordered to lift a rock

and, like, 50 piranha bats flew out.

Bye-bye, hands.

He uses guys like us as canaries in coal mines.

Better we get our hands eaten than him.

Let's get a move on, Mr. Boimler.

[moans in pain]

Admiral Milius is AWOL,

came down with a touch of vacation madness.

In his last communication with Starfleet Command,

he told them to shove a coconut up their butt.

So, uh, why do you need me?

I've never been on a spy mission.

-[grunts] -Don't worry,

you're exactly what I need.

BILLUPS: I really want to be Gilbert Manhandle.

Ugh, no. You gotta be something normal, like Zandy.

[whimpers]

[sea birds cawing]

T'LYN: Mariner, I find it odd

that you have never mentioned that you have a girlfriend.

I-I don't. Jennifer and I broke up, like, forever ago.

Are you sure you broke up?

Yes! You know, actually, okay, now I'm remembering,

she dumped me. She gave me back a candle.

Babe, get over here. You're going to love this.

Hmm. She does not appear to share your assessment.

There's some ionic residue on this lamp.

-Glumpus was here for sure. -Glumpus?

I decided to give the nanites a name,

since they glump so much.

Aw, cute.

Hmm, scans indicate

-the cluster-- -Glumpus!

Sorry, the "Glumpus" consumed this cart's electrical system.

It appears to be harvesting material

and power for self-replication.

Which means we can use an energy cell to lure it in.

-Be right back. Mwah. -[gasps]

She totally thinks we're still together. This is nuts.

Perhaps she has a brain parasite.

-Uh, yes. -I already scanned for that, she's clear.

Ah! I'm so happy to be back scanning.

How did it go when you came back to the Cerritos?

I couldn't have been any clearer.

Okay, h-here's how it went:

I saw her in the bar, and instead of talking,

I just walked right past her.

So...

But you said, "We need to break up," right?

Of course I did. With silence.

Oh, my God, we never fully broke up.

[gasps] I just assumed it was clear.

W-We haven't said a word to each other in, like, forever.

Assumptions are anathema to communication.

You're anathema. Fine, all right, I messed up.

I guess I'll go break her stupid heart

since that's what you all seem to want.

[muttering]

Hey, Jennifer...

Sorry I ran off.

I just had this great idea for how to catch the Glumpus.

It'll do wonders for my transfer application.

I just wanted to-- Wait, what transfer?

[sighs] I wasn't sure how to tell you.

I was offered a promotion to the Manitoba.

This is my final mission with the Cerritos.

Oh, thank God. I mean...

What? Babe...

Mmm.

I know it means the end of Jariner,

-but I couldn't turn it down. -Jariner?

There's a bunch of Andorians on the 'Toba.

It's a perfect spot for me to advance,

as long as nothing goes wrong on this mission.

I'm really happy for you, babe.

Now, let's just focus on having a great last day together.

Aww, thanks, babe.

I love how well we talk things out.

Ha. That's us. Just a couple of chatty chattersons.

-Well, how did she take it? -She didn't have to.

Lucky for me, the whole thing just kinda worked itself out.

I'll be avoiding a messy,

emotional conversation once again.

Now, let's catch ourselves a Glumpus.

♪ ♪

[indistinct chatter]

No need for that. The sun here is artificial.

It knows when you've been sufficiently tanned.

Oh, you know, just trying to be extra safe today.

You know me, all about safety.

Admiral Milius charged a few hundred Salurian Coladas

to a tab at this bar.

We should split up, see if anybody saw him.

Mr. Boimler, why don't you ask those Gallamites?

[snarling]

Oh. Okay...

Uh, how about I go talk to those, uh,

very friendly-looking guys instead?

RANSOM: Kreetassans?

[chuckles] Love the initiative, Boimler.

[exhales]

BOIMLER: Hey there, fellas.

I'm just an average vacationer, like you.

I love leisure, et cetera.

[all gasp]

How dare you drink in front of us!

Oh, is, uh, alcohol frowned upon in your culture?

-[gasps] -That does it, you pervert.

-[screams] -Whoa, whoa, whoa.

My bro is ignorant of your ways.

He did not mean to offend.

I'm so sorry you had to see that.

Filthy. What a filthy little man.

It's gonna be okay.

Kreetassans consider eating to be more intimate than mating.

I thought you knew that.

Ugh, I do. I'm sorry.

-[slurping] -I guess my mind's just been

on other things.

Apparently, one of Milius's

acolytes spends a lot of time

at the top of that huge, dangerous mountain.

♪

-Better get climbing. -[groans]: Oh.

If we just put this energy cell here,

the Glumpus should be drawn right to it.

I'm not so sure about this.

We don't really know how Glumpus processes energy...

Just give her a win. That is a great plan, sweetie.

Mm!

Curious.

Ah, don't waste those big Vulcan brain juices, T'Lyn.

He's just a novelty beach crooner.

Krog is my favorite musician.

Oh. Sorry.

I-I've heard he's very, uh, tropical.

He is a master of the Vibe Tubes.

Babe, babe, babe, look. It's working.

-Dang it. -Hey, that was close.

You know, w-we could try phasering the energy cell.

Get it charged up so it's more enticing.

That's a little dangerous.

Uh... [chuckles] Why-why don't we just wait carefully

until it comes back?

Mm, I'm fine with that.

Just means more time to spend cuddling up

with my snuggle fluff.

-Mmm... -Nope, nope. No time. Let's boost it.

All right. Let's scoop up this bad boy

-so we can get out of here. -[knuckles crack]

Why do you sound so eager to end our final mission together?

I mean, I just... I, uh...

I have, I have, like, a ton of work.

[gasps]

Looks like we're not done yet.

[panting, grunting]

-[grunts] -I think I see our target.

She's a Denobulan, right, Zandy?

-Zandy? -[sighs]

[sighs] Gilbert?

Yup. That's her.

If we want to get invited to Milius's compound,

she's the one to talk to.

Looks like she's about to hit the slopes.

See if you can get in good with her, Mr. Boimler.

BOIMLER: Okay, yeah, there are a lot of kids on that hill.

I can handle this.

See you at the bottom, brahs.

This canary is about to fly.

[grunts] Oh, boy.

-Easy does it. -Canary?

It's hard to think of an animal that's good at skiing.

[gasps] Wa-cha!

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

H-H... How do you make the gravity stop? Whoa!

[screaming]

[gasps]

[grunts]

-Get off me! -Ah! It's my first time.

Please just help me get down the hill.

You're grabbing my genitals!

-Why are they on your back? -Where else would they be?!

-[grunts] -[shrieks]

[screaming]

[gasping]

Wow, I've never seen someone go off that cliff and live.

Whew, yeah. Guess I'm lucky that Starfleet

keeps me in space most of the time.

My bones aren't very dense, so...

[gasps] You're Starfleet?

[grunts] Admiral. Starfleet is here.

-You have to get out of there fast. -[grunts]

Damn it. What the hell was that, Mr. Boimler?

Well, I was able to trace the comm.

At least we've got the Admiral's location.

Yeah, but now he knows we're coming.

Next time, try to have a little fortitude in the face of danger.

-Ah... -Whoa!

[screams]

MARINER: We need to split up.

Jennifer, T'Lyn, Rutherford, you check the balcony.

-Tendi and I... -You're splitting us up?

Ah... [chuckles awkwardly]

My sweet, loving girlfriend and I will take the balcony.

The rest of you, check the orchestra.

Are you trying to get rid of me?

No. I'm just trying to find this Glumpus

so you don't jeopardize your transfer.

Wow. That's so thoughtful of you.

Thank you so much.

J-Jennifer.

This is bananas. How can she possibly think we're a couple?

Perhaps because you are pretending to be.

I mean before today.

Everyone's relationships look different in Starfleet.

We're always on away missions, or separate shifts,

or getting transformed into things. [gasps]

Was she on that team that got turned into crystals?

I don't know. We never talk.

[sighs] It seems like she's just trying to make it work.

[gasps] Like your parents do.

Yeah. God. Ugh, you're right. Damn it. [sighs]

Jennifer, wait up.

Huh, this lazy river seems like it's getting pretty choppy.

[scoffs] Billups, how much farther to the compound?

At our meandering speed, 15 minutes?

Uh, that cave is not looking lazy.

RANSOM: Could be a trap.

-Mr. Boimler, head in there and report. -[gasps]

You just said it could be a trap.

I'm trying to give you a win here, brah.

I am not your brah, okay?

-Shh. Guys. -[arguing continues]

We might want to keep our voices down.

And I'm not your coal mine canary, either!

I am a good officer!

[screams]

[gasps]

Okay, maybe not the best officer.

Huh, maybe we can incapacitate Glumpus

with a localized electromagnetic pulse.

Maybe a magnetic net?

A magnetic net may be difficult to obtain. Perhaps we...

T'Lyn? What's wrong?

Oh, Krog's Vibe Tubes.

This must be where he's playing tonight.

I am having difficulties maintaining my focus

in anticipation of Krog's propinquity.

Ooh, we should all go, if his instruments don't get eaten.

MARINER: Are you sure

this is the best place to be looking for nanites, babe?

It's attracted to energy, sweetie.

Oh, yes. I know, honey.

Your stupid plan just made it huge, remember?

Are you [bleep] kidding me?

You're the one who phasered the power cell.

[grunts] To make you happy.

JENNIFER: Are you sure there isn't anything

you want to get off your chest, my love?

I just want you to get your transfer.

-Isn't that what you want? -What I want

is for you to admit that you're...

Oh, [bleep]. Don't move.

What?

It's a... one, two, three, four, five,

six, seven, eight, nine, ten. [mumbling]

-Icosahedron! -Oh, my God.

Run! [screams]

[grunts]

[all scream]

No, no, no, no! [screams]

[gasps] That thing just ate our friends.

♪ ♪

Congrats on being hostages in AWOL Falls.

"An ideal place to hide from Command."

-Can I get you a refreshment? -Maybe a spritz?

Ugh. You can't hold us here forever.

[laughs] The Admiral has requested a private audience.

Guys, tell him I'm not the canary.

He's not the canary, you monsters!

-What does that even mean? -I don't know.

Okay, look, before you hurt me,

just know that I'm too frail to torture.

Too much pain and I'll just die.

You're-you're gonna be disappointed.

MILIUS: Lieutenant Junior Grade Bradward Boimler.

[whimpers]

MILIUS: I've been watching you all day.

-You're grabbing my genitals! -[screams]

You knew we were coming?

MILIUS: I'm a Latinum Elite Guest.

The front desk calls whenever a Starfleet team shows up

to try and capture me.

But an idea can't be captured.

-I'm pretty sure we can capture you. -[slurping]

You know, 'cause you're just a guy

wearing open-toed sandals.

I'm more than just "a guy"!

You and I are cut from the same cloth.

You're an admiral.

That doesn't matter.

They don't care about us.

We've been thrown to the wolves by our superiors.

Is that why you went AWOL?

Command gave you dangerous missions?

Worse. They gave me boring ones.

I spent years in Starfleet

hoping to land a meaningful, prestigious post,

to study rare phenomena, to discover new life.

But do you know what insufferable missions

my ships were given?

Uh, Borg stuff?

The milking of space whales!

[gasps] W-What kind? The Gormagander

or those Galaxy's Child things?

All of them!

I dedicated my life to Starfleet

and was relegated to an interstellar dairy farmer!

-[slurping] -Ah...

No matter how far up the ladder you climb,

there's always someone higher up,

pouring hot garbage down on us.

But you're an admiral. Who was doing that to you?

The system. The dream assignments never come,

which hurts me just as much as you are

by being thrown into danger.

You want peace, safety

and extended happy hour on Mondays?

Then go AWOL with me.

Happy hour does sound happy.

[screaming, shouting]

[screaming]

[screaming]

[screaming]

Hang on, guys. We're coming.

Stay calm. Conserve oxygen.

[both screaming]

Ugh. I can't believe we're gonna get killed

by a goddamn icosahedron.

[grunts] This is all my fault.

I'm the one who set that stupid trap.

Yeah, but I encouraged you to juice it up

-'cause I wanted this day to end. -[both shout]

Ugh. Here we go.

Jennifer, we aren't a couple. We broke up a year ago.

-Yeah, I know. -Wait, what? You do?

But the-the babe-ing and the kissing and the...

-I was [bleep] with you. -Wha...

[stammers] Why?

Because we never officially broke up,

and I wanted you to admit it.

No, well-- I-I mean, we didn't have some, like,

big, emotional, performative talk about it,

but I think it was pretty clear.

Yeah, it was all on your terms, though.

You didn't give me a chance to apologize.

You just phased me out. It sucked.

I was getting shipped off to Starbase 80.

Everyone thought I was a traitor. Even my mom.

I needed you to have my back when nobody else did.

I only liked dating you because of how bad you were.

It didn't even occur to me that you might've been innocent.

Yeah, I-I guess I could be pretty bad.

We both could. Clearly.

[sighs] Okay, then.

Jennifer, I'm officially breaking up with you.

I officially accept.

RUTHERFORD [over comm]: Mariner, do you read?

I'm in the Glumpus.

[gasps] Ruthie. Are you okay?

I just detected a signal that's controlling the nanites

from in here with me.

If you can disrupt it, it should be able to deactivate the swarm.

-But it absorbs energy. -[gasps] Wait.

Do you think you can trust me, one last time?

Boimler, listen to me.

We didn't bring you with us to be expendable.

We brought you because you're reliable and smart.

Plus, you're wiry.

-And we always need a wiry guy. -Really?

Yeah, I mean, on the frail scale,

nobody else on the Cerritos comes close.

You didn't want me as a human shield?

No. You're good at problem-solving

and you can crawl through ducts.

And that's, like, 99% of most undercover ops.

[sighs] I was trying to give you a chance

to show us how brave you are.

In hindsight, that probably came off as pretty cruel.

They're lying to you, Mr. Boimler.

Why did he throw you into danger all day?

Because I knew he could handle it.

You're a capable, prepared officer.

Extremely prepared, to an unhealthy degree.

You noticed.

Oh, well. [humming]

Sorry, Commander.

Looks like Mr. Boimler's made his decision.

You're damn right I have.

-[shouts] -[screams] Stop him!

-[laughs] -[grunting]

He's too greasy and wiry.

-It's like trying to grab a string bean. -Whoo!

Ha, ha!

Oh!

MARINER: Are you sure this'll work?

Nope, but we're out of time.

-Jump! -[both scream]

[muffled grunting]

We need to disrupt the signal.

That's still the plan.

Hit it, T'lyn.

[inhales sharply] Hmm.

[sharp tone playing]

It's working. Keep vibing.

[dings]

[cheering]

[screaming, shouting]

MILIUS: Quickly, my acolytes, it's almost happy hour.

I must escape to the Diamond Lounge.

Throw yourselves at them.

Sacrifice your very lives!

That's not really the vibe we're here for.

Yeah, I should probably be getting back.

My wife thinks I'm at the buffet.

No.

You can't force me to return.

I'll be put in charge of a fleet

that's stationed at Starbase 80 or something.

Sorry, brah, but the vacation's over.

And I still have my hands.

Both of them.

[clears throat]

You are Krog on the Rocks.

That is correct. And you are a Vulcan.

I apologize for playing your Vibe Tubes.

It was presumptuous.

That is illogical. You have saved my life.

You practice logic?

In my ongoing quest for inner chill,

I have become an adoptee of Vulcan meditative practices.

I am a big fan of your work.

And I of yours.

-[exhales]: Oh, yeah. -Well, even though we weren't

a great couple, I guess we make a decent team.

-I guess so. -[sighs]

I'm sorry I made you sit on your feelings for a whole year.

I really went out of my way to avoid

a direct conversation, huh?

Look, you're talking to someone who pretended

to still be in a relationship to trick her ex

into fully breaking up with her.

I'm sorry, too.

We really are sort of chaotic.

That's why we were fun.

Whoa, check this out.

The nanites weren't acting independently.

-What does that mean? -That signal. They were being controlled

by a single, microscopic ship.

MARINER: Wait, is that an Intrepid-class?

RUTHERFORD: They're hailing us.

[exhales] Starfleet, thank God.

This is Captain Tersal of theEndeavor.

Our ship was pulled through

some sort of parallel universe fissure.

We've been through a month of hell.

A month?

FREEMAN: Captain's Log, supplemental.

A routine nanite relocation

has unexpectedly become a rescue mission.

A Federation starship from a dimension

of a much smaller scale was stranded in ours.

Their attempts at gathering power and materials

to create their own dimensional gate

appeared to us as a destructive swarm.

Thank you again for providing us

with safe harbor, Captain Freeman.

I just wish we were able to devise

a way to send you back home.

We've encountered a fissure similar to the one

that pulled you here, but we can't recreate it.

I appreciate the effort.

Perhaps we're doomed to live out our days

the size of an amoeba.

Well, we might not have the resources,

but Mr. Boimler here was able to pull some strings

with an admiral.

I'll be canceling all previous missions

and focusing solely on getting you home, Captain Tersal.

Admiral Milius? You exist in my dimension, too.

But there, you just milk whales.

Uh, yes, well, that's not the case here.

T'Lyn, I got you something.

Hmm. It appears someone has defaced this image.

What? No, it's Krog's autograph.

It holds no scientific value.

Oh. I guess I can recycle it.

I should keep it in my quarters,

in case I need to study handwriting in the future.

Hey. 'Bout to head off to the Manitoba.

I'm glad we finally talked.

Yeah, last time when I was leaving,

neither of us handled it very well.

Good luck at the new gig, babe.

Thanks, babe.

[gasps] This is the first time

I haven't been mortal enemies with an ex.

Exciting.

I'm proud of you, Mariner.

Sounds like you had a tough conversation.

Sure, I mean it took a giant, destructive ball of nanites

to get me there, but still.

-It counts. -So, Milius agreed

to help the micro-ship get back home?

Yep. He even showered.

I managed to show a full-blown admiral

how rewarding Starfleet can be.

How cool is that?

Great work, Lieutenant.

I told you, always good to have a wiry guy.

Thank you, sir.

Have you seen Ensign Manhaver?

We're going to a lava planet

to try and wrangle some crystalline spiders.

He loves dangerous stuff. Figured he'd want in.

Oh, there he is, behind the bar.

BOIMLER: Oh, [bleep]. He sees you, Jet. Run!

RANSOM: Hey, get back here. This is gonna be fun.

There's gonna be magma.

JET: I just got these hands!

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

[man imitates weapons firing]

Chirp.