Original subtitles

Dad, you were supposed to buy more coffee.

Yeah. And you were supposed to get your own house,

so I guess we both dropped the ball.

Carter, Georgia, let's go.

You're dating yourself with that newspaper, Pops.

Yeah? And you will be dating yourself if you don't fix that hair.

It took him forever.

It's like sharing a bathroom with Lady Gaga.

Hey. I'm extra today so I can charm my teachers

before the parent open house tonight.

- That's tomorrow. - No, it's tonight.

[phone dings]

It's tonight.

[groans] Sweetie, I can't make it. I'm supposed to meet with a lawyer.

[whispering] The divorce kind.

Hey. Maybe... Maybe Pops could go.

No! [chuckles] No. Because if he has an audience,

he can't resist ranting about how Pluto should still be a planet.

Pluto is a planet!

It's been a planet for billions of years,

then "big astronomy" got involved. Now it's a dwarf planet.

Now what's Disney gonna do with Pluto?

See?

Pops has hot takes.

My science teacher would love to hear 'em.

- I'll go if he wants me to go. - No.

Do your usual routine.

Stay home and yell at the TV.

Last night, he lost his voice yelling

at the people dancing in the diabetes commercial.

No, I really haven't been to their school in a long time. I would like to go.

[groans] Fine. I'll cancel my meeting, and we'll go together.

I just don't understand why they're dancing if they have diabetes.

[♪ theme song playing]

Wait a minute. So only scientists can use the word "dwarf" in a sentence?

Oh, memories.

- [gasps] There's the parking lot where I used to smoke. - Yeah.

Which is why you never wanted me to pick you up after school.

I quit when I got pregnant.

See?

You always overlook the positive side of teen pregnancy.

Oh... Oh, my God. You're Riley Parker. [chuckles]

[stammers] Caitlin Baker.

We went to high school together.

You copied off me in geometry

and algebra.

- And chemistry! - Yes.

Oh, Caitlin. Hi. [chuckles]

[chuckles] Hi, Caitlin. I'm Riley's very proud father.

Hi.

- Matt. How you doing? - Hi.

So, do you have a kid here too?

Oh, no, I'm the assistant principal here.

Haven't met Mr. Right yet.

[gasps] I do have four frozen egg babies.

Hey, perfect for an omelet! [chuckles]

Mr. Parker, your daughter was, like, a legend here.

[chuckles] What? No. Stop.

Say more.

No, for real. I mean, you were so pretty and popular.

You were... [sucks teeth] ...kind of my idol.

You need a new idol.

You know, Jesus is available.

I'm gonna get us some seats.

- Nice to meet you. - [chuckles]

Oh, and you and your brother used to hang out

with that really cute Gabriel guy.

Oh, still do. Still single.

Uh, leaning in. [chuckles]

I'm off the apps. You know, trying to meet people in the wild.

Hooked up with a guy in the woods last week.

Not sure that counts.

Wait, could you maybe fix me up with Gabe?

The three of us could grab a drink tomorrow night.

Um, yeah. I guess I could move some stuff around. [chuckles]

- There, I moved it. [chuckles] - [gasps, chuckles]

[bell rings]

No!

[sighs]

Remember, if the teacher says something you disagree with,

don't roll your eyes or make one of your condescending grunts.

- Oh, no. - Yeah, like that.

And no talking about how school was better in your day.

No one cares you knew how to use a compass and a ruler.

You know who could really use a ruler?

My first teacher, Sister Helen.

She hit me so hard on this hand, I stopped stuttering.

Welcome, everyone.

I'm Ms. Esposito, your children's homeroom adviser.

My pronouns are she/her.

[Matt grunts]

I got no problem with people with different pronouns.

I hate everyone equally.

Big news, we are changing the school mascot.

The Minuteman was not very inclusive.

What's more inclusive than a dude wearing a wig,

stockings, little high heels, holding on to a rifle?

That could bring this country together. Checks every damn box.

[bell rings]

Are you happy? I kept quiet,

although I might've drifted off during that "Moment of Mindfulness."

No, you still managed to say "grow a pair" in your sleep.

Hi, you must be Carter's mom.

Yes, I'm Riley Parker. Hi.

- [Matt] Hi. - And this must be your husband.

- [groans] - No!

Carter's granddad. Matt.

Sorry. We get a lot of old dads here.

Old dads, huh? How about 100 push-ups? You and me, right here.

- Come on, girl. - Okay, nobody's doing any push-ups.

I just wanna give you Carter's accommodations.

Excuse me, is this the Motel 6? What are you talking about?

Some kids are different learners,

and they require customized teaching strategies to complete tasks.

Oh, no.

Oh, good, yeah, yeah.

Here's his Section 504 paperwork and a letter from his psychologist.

- Thank you. - Section 504?

Isn't that where the government hides flying saucers?

It just means he'll get extra time to take tests.

It helps with his anxiety issues.

This anxiety thing.

Every generation has anxiety.

We deal with it.

Oh, the way you guys did with denial?

A nuclear arms race?

No seat belts?

The no seat belt thing made sense.

We felt you had a better chance of surviving if you were thrown from the car.

This is a real issue, Dad.

Carter was tested by an educational therapist back in Vegas.

Did that therapist get her license at Caesar's or at the Tropicana?

They're just giving him a little extra help.

I understand help. That's fine.

But when you put labels on a kid and tell him they have anxiety,

- they start to think that's what they are. - I'm not putting a label on him.

Kids will put labels on people. That's what they do.

I was there.

Special Ed Ted.

Oh, God. That kid, Booger-flipping Bobby.

Are you just naming Garbage Pail Kids?

Garbage-eating Gail.

She ate right out of the trash can.

Oh, your husband is so cute.

- [groans] - Oh, no!

Hey, Gabe. What are you doing tonight?

Car stuff.

Can't you do that this weekend?

No, this weekend I'm doing different car stuff.

Okay. Would it be possible for you to not do car stuff for one night?

'Cause I lined up a hot date for you.

Wait. I'm intrigued.

I mean... Look,

I ain't too proud to take his sloppy seconds.

Her name's Caitlin.

She went to high school with us,

and now she works there as an assistant principal.

Oh. So she's a disciplinarian?

- Caitlin. Did she take auto shop? - No.

So she wasn't cool.

No, but she's really pretty,

and she hooked up with a guy in the woods.

I like her.

Yeah, I guess, uh, I'll do my Saturday car stuff with my Sunday car stuff.

- Hey, Dad. - Oh, look at that.

The accommodation cop.

I'm begging you. Please let it go.

What is he talking about?

Uh, we went to Carter's open house

where I learned my dad doesn't believe in accommodations.

Yeah, he thinks since it happened a long time ago,

he shouldn't have to pay for something he didn't do.

Uh-huh.

Angel. I think you mean reparations.

Accommodations are basically extra help in school.

Which, obviously, you didn't get.

My problem with accommodations is they don't work.

You know, you don't get extra time in the real world to do things.

Or reparations, apparently.

Take Frankie for instance, right?

She doesn't get special attention just because she's gay, right?

- You're still gay, right? - Yep.

Last night, I was real gay.

Yeah.

And, Stitch. Look. Differently "disabled."

No.

Uh, physically incapable.

- Way worse. - [Matt] Okay.

Uh, mobility-challenged wheel-guy?

Yeah. That's it. You nailed it.

What's the right thing to say?

Dude, we done been through this a thousand times.

[Matt] I'm trying to compliment you.

You don't let your circumstances dictate your life, you know?

Uh, you... you never ask me for anything.

'Cause you ain't gon' give me anything!

So our system works.

I'm just saying, I don't think you're doing Carter any favors

by labeling him "anxious," you know?

We all have anxiety.

- Mmm. Including you, right? - [Gabriel] Oh, yeah.

Big time.

Oh, big time, huh?

- [Matt] Whoa, whoa, whoa. - Whoa.

Ooh, I think this little guy would look good right here.

- Oh. - Ooh.

- Now, don't do... don't do that. - Oh.

I'm sorry, Dad.

Is this making you feel anxious, perhaps?

Okay. Look, you made a point, okay?

Maybe I'm a little anxious about... you know.

But I have tools that I use to get me through it.

And I think Carter could learn to use tools,

then he wouldn't need accommodations.

Are you guys getting the tool metaphor?

'Cause I am.

Well, I'm his mom, you don't get a vote.

See you tonight. And wear something sexy.

Don't be afraid to show a little skin.

Or go into the woods.

So, this is a podcast?

Yeah, it's called Women Who Murder.

There's a great episode where the wife hid poison in her husband's birthday cake.

Did he find out about it?

- [chuckles] Yeah! - [chuckles]

When his large intestine melted.

You wanna share this?

Why don't you take the first bite?

[Riley] Dad, I'm leaving.

Wow, Mom.

Love the glow up.

You wanna share this cookie?

I don't think I'd do that.

So listen, uh, don't talk to strangers,

make sure you hydrate, and try not to get pregnant.

Hey. What are you studying?

Geez Louise!

What are you studying?

Uh, World War II. I have a placement test tomorrow.

Uh, you know, your mom says you need extra time on tests. Do you think that's true?

- My therapist does. - What a surprise, huh?

Mo' problems, mo' money.

Carter, you know what I think?

I think you're a really smart guy.

Really? 'Cause you're always calling me a nerd.

'Cause nerds are smart.

- Still, it's kind of hurtful. - The point is,

when I got scared or anxious in school,

and even when I'm designing the cars,

I develop step-by-step tools to help me finish.

And maybe we can help you so you don't need extra time taking the test.

And as luck would have it, World War II is my forte.

Yeah,

I bet you got wild stories fighting them Germans.

1944.

That would make me 108!

Maybe you're not a nerd.

Do you have other study guides or notebooks in there?

I wanna take a look.

No. No, no. Stop. Stop. No. No. No, no, no. Hold. Hold.

[exhales sharply]

I'm going to need a minute.

So, what's it like being assistant principal?

Are you just, like, waiting for the principal to die? [chuckles]

Every day.

So, fill me in on the glamorous life

of Riley Parker.

I bet you've traveled the world with Jimmy and his band.

I've seen it all. Des Moines, Cedar Rapids, and back to Des Moines.

[Caitlin chuckles]

Jimmy forgot his bass.

Marrying a musician wasn't quite what I imagined.

[chuckles] Well, you know, life is full of surprises.

I mean, my college boyfriend started a cult. [chuckles]

That I joined for a hot minute.

So, what brought you two back here?

We're getting divorced.

Rock gods don't make great husbands.

Or emergency contacts.

Once, I had to hitchhike home from an urgent care.

Oh. Well, I'm sure you've found an amazing career.

- [chuckles] God, no. - Oh.

Well, whatever puts a roof over your head.

My dad's roof.

- I'm living with him. - [stammers]

Because he's on his last legs and needs to be taken care of?

I wish. [chuckles]

I've already picked out the home.

But no. Uh,

I had nowhere else to go.

Oh.

[sighs]

So, uh, how's your mom? [chuckles]

Dead.

"June 6th, 1944.

Allied troops landed on the Normandy coast, saving France's derriere."

And what'd they give us?

The guillotine and body odor.

"The costly conflict of..."

Hello? Hey!

What are you doing? What is that?

Oh, uh, this is a fidget spinner.

My therapist said it helps focus my attention.

Well, my attention is focused on breaking that with a hammer.

We gotta get this moving, all right?

We're getting to the point where the Allies win the war.

- It's coming up. - Whoa. Whoa. Spoiler alert! [scoffs]

Okay.

Oh. Okay. Um.

Tools.

Crib sheet.

A what?

Yeah, people call 'em cheat sheets.

It's actually...

index cards.

You prioritize all your data,

you put it down one at a time, and then use it as a study guide.

Oh. Okay. Sounds like you got a handle on this.

I'm gonna go upstairs and kill some Germans in Call of Duty.

No, you're not.

We're gonna do this together. Sit down. It's simple.

We'll go through the data points, you write 'em down as they come to you,

so you could come back and read 'em later,

- all right? Okay. - All right.

So, "June 6th, the Allies landed in a place called Cherbourg."

Oh. Like the actress Cher and a cyborg.

[chuckles] I-It's funny. Right, Grandpa?

Yeah.

Grandpa?

[groans] I love alcohol.

- Want another? - Yes.

[gasps] Oh, there he is! [chuckles]

- Hi, Riley. Caitlin, hi. - Hi.

What the...

- Hey. - Oh.

You smell just like you did in high school.

- What? - Nothing. [clears throat]

Sorry I was late. Uh... [sighs] ...big drama at work.

- Ooh, tell. - Well, my boss was like,

"I need you to replace this master cylinder by six o'clock."

And I was like, "That's impossible."

And as it turns out, I was right

'cause I didn't finish it until 6:15.

- [imitates explosion] - Ooh. [chuckles]

Oh, so, uh, you're a mechanic?

No, he restores and modifies classic cars with modern parts.

[Caitlin] What do you call that job?

Mechanic works.

Oh, so, you didn't go to college?

Nah, you don't need a degree to be a mechanic.

Yeah, that's right.

We didn't go to college,

so stop making us feel like crap.

I wasn't. I--

Gabe's an expert at what he does.

And even without a degree, he makes a very good living.

Could be better if you wanna talk to your dad.

[stammers] Bah!

And he does something he loves, which makes him happy, okay?

So you can think I'm a loser.

- I don't-- - Because, yeah, my life is crap.

But you have no right judging Gabe.

Do you remember our assistant principal, Ms. Havishaw?

The one who died alone and got eaten by her cat?

That's gonna be you in 30 years!

And I'm keeping the napkin!

So, what's your cat's name?

- Carter? Oh... [groans] - [screams]

Don't leave me hanging.

How'd you do on the test?

Well, I finished on time, and...

- I think I got an A. Ya boy! - [chuckles]

That's great. That's great.

Hey, Riley, ask "ya boy" how he did on the test.

Oh, I don't have to ask.

I got a call from his teacher.

[Matt] Big time news there.

It's not "ya boy," it's "the man."

Carter, do you wanna tell Grandpa why the teacher called?

Nah.

So... So, I-I was taking the test, right?

And I was doing good. I-I definitely knew the stuff.

Well, you're welcome.

But then, I looked at the clock,

and there was only ten minutes left.

And I was only halfway through 'cause,

you know, it takes me a while to get my thoughts together.

So I panicked.

But then, I remembered the cheat sheet Grandpa gave me

was right there in my pocket.

Grandpa gave you that?

Index cards. They're for studying.

No, you called it a cheat sheet.

And maybe use a different name next time, 'cause it's pretty confusing.

That's why the school called me.

A janitor found the "cheat sheet" under Carter's desk.

The one time a public employee does their job.

You're in huge trouble. Go to your room.

[Carter sighs]

Go.

You know, Carter used to struggle in school.

But then, I got him the accommodations, and he was doing fine.

Until, huh, what changed?

Oh, yeah, you!

I think Carter's a great kid.

I know he's a great kid. I'm his mother.

And I am barely keeping it together.

I didn't need this right now.

I don't want that kid to think there's anything wrong with him.

Well, guess what, Dad.

Everybody's got something wrong with them, okay?

Look at me. I'm getting a divorce, living at home,

and I scared off the one person who was going to be my friend.

I'm a stereotype.

The girl who peaked in high school.

- [sighs] - I don't like when you talk about yourself like that.

You talk about me like that.

But in a funny way.

You're really doing a good job.

[scoffs]

- Really? - Yeah, really.

It took courage to get out of a messy marriage

and move here, take care of your kids. You did it all for them.

You're a good mom.

You did a good thing. You really did.

Thank you, Dad.

I learned from the best.

- And she's not here, so I'm all you got. - [chuckles]

Now I have to go deal with the little cheater.

Use the ruler.

It's near my bed.

Let's just say he'll never stutter again.

Yeah, but you don't wanna beat a stutter into him.

- [doorbell rings] - Hey, Pops.

I reorganized my backpack just like you told me.

I made a color-coded filing system for all my classes.

Grandpa, are you okay?

[sniffles]

I just... I got something in my eye.

Morning. You left this at the bar.

[groans] I would've chewed my foot off to get out of that trap.

Sorry I abandoned you with Caitlin.

Yeah, no worries.

I mean, where does she get off judging us?

She confiscates vapes for a living.

And you saw how she gave me that judgmental look.

[chuckles] Yeah. Totally.

She's right here.

Riley.

[clears throat] Yeah, that's the look.