Original subtitles

Don't ever do that again.

No, sir. I'm sorry.

I was a little nervous. It's my first day. It won't ever happen again.

Gentlemen, I am not a child, and I do not wish to be treated as one.

- Is that understood? - Yes, sir.

Good. Now, here's the question:

If you went up to any bum and asked him which is the biggest studio in Hollywood,

- what would he say? Joe? - Well, Rainbow Studios, home of the stars.

All right now. All right, I don't want any of that baloney. Wes?

I would say Wainbow. Wainbow Studios. It's the wargest and the best.

Save it. Save that yes-man shit.

You think I need this kind of babying? Sven?

Rainbow. Rainbow Studios. I don't think there is any question about that.

Jesus Christ. Is there not one honest man in this room?

Paramount, I guess.

That's very interesting.

- I'm just curious - why would you say that? - Because they have Rudolph Valentino.

Son of a bitch. Dog-doo, pee-pee brain.

You're a lying traitor. Did you know that?

You ca-ca-in-your-pants fart blossom, I'll tear your tongue out.

- Thank you. - What?

I'm all right. It's over. It's over.

Who knows, maybe this was a good thing. Gives me a little perspective. Now...

Say, don't get too close in the middle. I hate when I get nicked in this little part here.

Now, let me think. Let me think.

Let me think. Let me think.

I've got it.

Now listen to me very carefully.

Women in this country are so sex-starved, the first pretty face that comes along,

they'll make him a star.

Well, what the hell will they do

when they hear Rainbow Studios is going to find the greatest lover in America?

I'm talking about someone who will make Rudolph Valentino look like a part-time nurse.

All right. We'll get lovers from every big city and hick town on the map.

Because, gentlemen, I promise you that within two weeks

every male in America between the ages of 17 and 55

is going to stop for a moment and at least think about coming to Hollywood

to screen test for the biggest chance of his life.

The chance to star in the new Rainbow Studios film:

The World's Greatest Lover.

Now! How's that for an idea?

- Great. - Gweat.

Great. Just great.

Very good. I mean, great.

Too late.

You son of a bitch. You're fired.

I'd like 11 cream puffs and three of these chocolate �clairs. Wait.

Make that three chocolate �clairs and 11 cream puffs.

Wait.

Poo. Which is less fattening, the chocolate �clairs or the cream puffs?

What did you do? What did you just do to me?

Mr Kipper. Mr Kipper.

Rudy, I'm told that when you're nervous, you stick your tongue out at people.

Is that true?

Mr Kipper says when you're nervous, you either stick your tongue out

- or get hysterical laryngitis. What d'you say? - I don't know what he's talking about.

- Fibber. - Stop it.

Rudy, you were fired from your lastjob for daydreaming.

I'd give you the benefit of the doubt, but you've only been here four days.

Mr Kipper's been my manager for years. Why would he lie?

I don't know. Maybe I get hoarse sometimes from talking to customers and trying my best,

but I don't know what he means about my tongue.

- Why would I do a thing like that? - He did it.

- When? - Just now.

- Did you? - No.

- Kipper? - Lies.

Rudy. You're not nervous now, are you?

- Not at all. - What?

I say not at all.

- Did you do it? - No.

- Kipper? - Lies.

Rudy.

- The absolute truth. - I did not do that.

Rudy.

For the last time, did you do it?

You're fired.

Rudy?

You do stick out your tongue when you get nervous,

or sometimes you get laryngitis just for a second.

But it won't last. These are just little nervous habits because you're so high-strung.

They mean nothing. Even the third thing.

- What? - Rudy...

It's nothing. It's not even worth talking about.

- What third thing? - Rudy...

I just wanna know. What third thing?

Well, sometimes - when you get excited -

you twist your words around so they don't make sense.

I do not twist my words around.

- Rudy, I wouldn't make up a thing like that. - I do not do that.

Once in a while. Once in a great while.

Are you trying to give me fart hailure?

I'm going crazy in Milwaukee.

But, Rudy...

I don't wanna be Rudy Hickman.

I'm selling the furniture and car, I'm changing my name,

- and we're going to Hollywood. - Hollywood?

Yes. I'm gonna try out for that movie contest.

But, Rudy...

My Uncle Harry knows people out there. He can help us.

- Rudy, there'll be thousands of men. - I can win it.

- They'll be coming from all over America. - I can win it.

Rudy, they'll be professionals.

I said I can win it. Now light the bed to out come turn on.

Los Angeles.

Los Angeles next.

Los Angeles.

Los Angeles, California.

Is this my little poopie?

Poopie, poopie, poopie, poopie.

Good morning, my little bride.

Time to get up.

Time for yum-yums.

- Darling. - I said no, you filthy pig.

What?

Morning, darling.

Are we almost there? I'll just go splash some water on my face.

Los Angeles, last stop.

Los Angeles, California.

Home of the stars -

and lots of featured players.

Los Angeles, California.

Los Angeles next.

Are you all ready, dear?

I'm plain. I'm plain.

I'm a simple girl. I've never left Milwaukee a day in my life.

Uncle Harry will hate me. Rudy, what am I gonna do?

Stop it. Haven't I enough on my mind not to have to deal with this childishness?

If you're hysterical, I won't let you off the train. Calm down and stop acting like a baby.

Sorry. It won't happen again. What time is your screen test tomorrow?

- 4:30. - What?

4... Oh, no.

- It's nothing. It'll go away. - Testing, one, two, three.

- You're just a little nervous. - I'm not nervous. You got...

You're the one who got me upset.

- We'd better drop the subject. - Don't can what I and say can't tell me.

- We shouldn't say that word any more. - What word?

- Screen test. - Why not?

Rudy. Rudy, I'm frightened.

You wanted me to try out for this.

Well, I do. I do. I just don't want you to get your heart set on winning.

Do you think I wanna come in 13th?

Screen test, screen test, screen test, screen test, screen test, screen test, screen test.

Screen test, screen test, screen test, screen test, screen test.

I will win that screen test.

Not because I'm the best actor in the world,

not because I'm the sexiest man or the most handsome man in the world,

but because I am unique.

Rudy?

Rudy?

Rudy?

I'm sorry. I thought you were...

Rudy? Rudy, darling.

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Rudy? Rudy?

When's the final audition?

Friday, Mr Zitz.

How many "rotten"s have we got?

2300.

- How many "fairly rotten"s? - "Fairly rotten"s?

14. Yeah, 14.

- Have we got a "doesn't stink"? - No, sir.

- We don't have one "doesn't stink"? - Not yet, sir.

I can't believe it.

All I need is three finalists, and I can't find one "doesn't stink"?

- Mr Zitz, look. - What?

Look at that fellow.

- Who's that? - His name is Wobert Dwake.

Not bad. Not too bad.

Look. Look, look, look.

I think this boy has got something. What do you think?

Not too bad. Not too bad.

He's weally not too bad, Mr Zitz.

- Yes, not too bad. - You?

Not bad. Not bad at all.

- Not bad at... - No.

You. You.

What do you think?

What's the matter? Come on. Say it.

I think there's something strange about that fellow.

You're always right, aren't you?

Gotta always be right.

What did you think of today's stuff, Adolph?

Want to hear what they did over at Paramount?

- What? - They made a phonograph record.

When they had big auditions, they'd hand out thousands of phonograph records,

telling all the actors exactly what to do.

Great idea, huh? That's why they're top, Zitzy.

That idea stinks.

Sure beats the shit we've seen today.

I'm in the union.

Get me that record.

You want to sign for the room, Mr Zitz?

I want 2,000 records delivered within the next 24 hours,

and I'm notjust whistling "Dixie".

- What kind of record, Mr Zitz? - Round.

A round one. Just like Paramount.

Oh, Jesus, why do I have to think of everything?

It's too lonely up here.

Do I have to come up with every single goddamn idea myself?

Paging Mr Rudy Valentine.

Mr Valentine, please.

Paging Mr Rudy Valentine.

I'm paging Mr Rudy Valentine.

- I'm Mr Valentine. - You are Mr Rudy Valentine?

Holy smokes. This really is Mr Rudy Valentine.

Yes. Yes. Not so much.

I can't believe it. This is really Mr Rudy Valentine.

Yes. Not so much, not so much.

This is Annie. This is my cousin Buddy.

- Hi. - Hello.

- Where's Uncle Harry? - He's getting you a phonograph record.

By the way, the studio are sending you a big car to pick you up tomorrow.

- Thank you. - That's all right, Mr Valentine.

You're going to be a very famous star in a few weeks.

Wow.

- A $20 bill. What a tip. - Get the hell out of here.

Oh, boy. A $20 tip from a famous movie star. Oh, boy.

- How do you do? I am Mr... - Oh, my.

- Excuse me. I am Mr... - Oh, my.

- Yes. And this is my wife, Mrs... - Oh, my.

Good. I believe you have a room reserved under the name of...

Rudy Valentine.

How nice of you to know.

Key for Mr Valentine, please. Room 203.

- He's in 814. - 203, please.

Thank you.

Just a minute.

This way, Mr Valentine.

Second floor.

Voil�.

Oh, Rudy.

The sunken living room is a unique feature of our hotel.

- It's very nice. - Thank you.

We have only four rooms like it,

but yours overlooks the garden terrace

of our beautiful dining room just below.

And I only hope, with all my heart, that you find it to your complete satisfaction.

Entrez.

A little... for madame.

And now I leave you.

If there's anything you wish, day or night,

you have but to call.

� tout � I'heure.

We will. Thank you.

Rudy? What are we gonna do?

They think you're a famous movie star.

We can't pay for this.

Oh, my God.

Rudy.

Rudy, did you see the bathroom?

Rudy, there's seven towels in the bathroom.

Rudy... Rudy, we can't afford this.

- Don't talk about money. - But, Rudy, we only...

My soul is on fire. Don't talk to me about money.

- Hear that music? - Yes.

- Did you see that bed? - Yes.

- Does anything in particular come to mind? - Yes.

Shall we say, in 20 seconds?

Hollywood.

- Lillian Gish is in those hills. - What, darling?

Did you know that Douglas Fairbanks comes to this hotel for lunch?

There are famous people dancing right below us, Annie - in the afternoon.

Any one of these ladies dancing could be Greta Ga...

Greta Ga-Ga. Greka...

I won't be a minute.

Rudy, I'm ready.

Excuse me. Are you really Greta?

No. My name is Ludwig.

I have to go home now.

You know, when a man reaches his climax too soon, that's not necessarily a bad thing.

It happens a lot with very passionate men.

Well...

I don't know much about those things, Rudy.

You're the only man I've ever been with.

Did you realise that our bed is right above this table?

No.

What number are we up to?

We just finished number seven.

I'd like to try...

number eight.

All right. Start number three.

Good. That's good.

All right. More three, more three, more three.

And number four.

- Annie, don't stop three. Just add four. - I'm sorry.

Don't ever stop three. Three goes on all the time.

Now listen to me, honey. I want you to start number seven.

Don't argue, Annie, just go into seven.

Number five and seven. Number five and seven. Annie, you're stopping in the middle.

- What happened to six? - I'll do six.

Don't talk about six. Go from five directly into seven. Understand?

- All right, I'll try. - Good. Get ready.

We're gonna try for number eight.

- You're kidding? - Don't get nervous.

Just pretend it's like any other night. And now.

Yes. Good. That's it. That's it.

- I'm doing number eight? - Close. You're very close.

Now take off your shoes and socks.

- What? - Annie, don't argue with me.

How do I take off my socks?

- Just do it. - Is it OK to stop number three for a second?

Never stop three. Three goes on all the time. How many times do I have to tell you?

- What happened to six? - To hell with six. Will you forget about six?

- Is this it? - I love you.

- Is this it? - I love you, Annie. I love you.

- Are we doing number eight? - Yes. This is it.

Eight. Eight.

Eighhhhhttt.

Dear Rudy. We've been married for three months and I feel as if I'm dying.

My life has gone somewhere without me.

Rudolph Valentino has asked me to join him.

I think he's the only one who understands me.

Please forgive me, Rudy.

I can't live by the numbers.

I love you. Annie.

- Who's in charge here? - Tomaso Abalone. He's the hotel manager.

- Where do I find him? - Right over there, sir.

Thank you.

- Who do I ask for? - Abalone.

- I'd like a baloney. - Yes, sir. Right here.

- Where? - Here.

- So where's the baloney? - I'm Abalone.

- You're a baloney? - That's right.

- Once upon a time there were three bears. - Pardon me?

- What did you do? - When?

- How do I know? - How do you know what?

- By practising constantly. - Practising what?

Whatever you want. I can't live your life.

What is it we're talking about?

- Give me a hint. - Who are you, sir?

- I'm fine. Now where's a baloney? - I'm Abalone.

- I thought you were the manager. - I am the manager.

- You're the manager and a baloney? - That's right.

Good. Please tell Rudy Valentine that Uncle Harry is downstairs waiting.

- And you are, sir? - No, I'm Uncle Harry.

- Ah, it's you. - Gesundheit. This guy could drive you nuts.

- Hello? - Aunt Tillie and Uncle Harry are here.

I think he was tickled pink. It's room 203. The elevator's just over there.

Annie.

Annie.

Guess who's here.

Hello, Aunt Tillie. Hello, Uncle Harry.

- Close the door. - Hi, Reenie. Hi, Max.

Is your wife here, Rudy? We'd love to meet her.

She's in the bathroom.

Aunt Tillie and Uncle Harry are here, darling. Say hello for me.

She says to say hello. Can you come out forjust one moment, dear?

I just got in the tub. I'd like to freshen up a little bit and meet you later.

She's in the tub. She wants to freshen up and join us later. Is that all right?

Certainly, certainly. She sounds like a charming girl.

Here are your things, dear.

I love you too.

Darling, I do. I love you just as much as you...

Well, how are you, Rudy?

Wonderful. Wonderful.

Oh, God. I'm so happy.

Look. How do you like my swimming pool?

Isn't this something?

- Would you like to take a little dip? - He's on the borderline.

This is delightful.

- There are only four rooms like it in the hotel. - No kidding?

Get in the water.

Come on, all of you. In the water. Get in the water.

Stay away from the deep end unless you're with a grown-up.

Oh, boy.

This is the life, huh?

- You having fun, Rudy? - Wonderful. Wonderful.

Good, good.

By the by, how are you feeling about your screen test? Not too nervous, are you?

- No. No, I'm fine. - That's the boy.

Well, can't stay that long. That's enough for the first day.

I just wanted to bring you the record from Rainbow Studios.

- A record? - All right, everybody out now.

I said out. Look at you, your lips are turning blue.

If the hotel doesn't have a phonograph, there's a Liberty shop just around the corner.

- Thanks. - That was refreshing.

That really hit the spot.

- I'll be back for you at 12:30, all right, Rudy? - Yes, Uncle Harry.

Keep up the good work.

Bye, Annie.

Bye.

She's lovely. You've got a lovely girl there. You're a lucky fella, Rudy.

- See you at 12:30? - OK.

Relax.

You don't have to worry about that. We have only the finest clientele - kings, queens.

What the hell kind of hotel you running here? It's too hot. You hear me? Too goddamn hot.

I'll have your bag sent up right away.

Will you excuse me, please?

- Where you going, honey? - I have an appointment to see Mr Valentino.

What's your name, please?

What's your name? I have to check it on the list.

But I don't think it's on there.

I can't let you in unless it is, ma'am.

Why don't you tell me your name? Maybe it is on the list.

- Mrs Valen... - Mrs Valen... Valen... Valen...

...tine. ...tine? Mrs V...

What did you say your name was? What?

Mrs Valentino.

Mrs Valentino? Did you say your name was Mrs Valentino?

Yes.

Well... Jeez... Sorry.

Do you mind if I just make a phone call? I just have to...

The hell with it. You go right ahead. He's usually on stage six.

Thank you.

Good. You're just in time.

There seems to be a small leak in the bathroom.

I wonder if you would be kind enough to have it fixed by the time I get back?

Thank you so much.

Waiter? May we have some water, please?

Certainly, sir.

Clean up this mess.

No mess, no mess. Please, no mess.

That's it. Good. Come on, keep moving.

Nice and easy. No mess. No mess.

- Excuse me. - What?

Excuse me. Could you please tell me where I could find Rudolph Valentino?

He could be anywhere. He's probably getting ready to go.

You got a big ass, Chico, plus two horses coming. Leave room.

- Go where? - Come on. What?

- Getting ready to go where? - Location.

Oh, Jesus. They're shitting on the turbans. What's the matter with you?

- Whaddya want me to do? - Don't let 'em shit on the turbans.

Don't yell at me. I'm not the turban man, I'm the ass man.

- All right. Hold your horses now. - Hold your horses. I'm fed up.

- Excuse me. Where is that? - Where is what?

The location.

- Honey, are you packed and ready to go? - Yes.

Good. Then take your bag and get on the bus. Just go on the blue bus. They'll take you.

Thank you.

You'd better watch your ass, Chico. I'm not kidding. I've had enough of your lip.

Gentlemen, what you're about to hear

may be the most important words ever spoken to you in your lifetimes.

Pretend that you are in makeup and costume.

Opposite you is a beautiful woman.

Your first direction: Look at her with love in your eyes.

Now look at her with love just in your left eye.

Now switch the love from your left eye to your right eye.

All right. Now let sex ooze from your shoulders.

Keep letting it ooze. Keep letting it ooze.

Now let it ooze right down your chest.

Now say, "Hi. Feel like a dance?"

Hi. Feel like a dance?

You lean down next to her, your lips are two inches from hers.

She opens her mouth teasingly

and then she...

slaps you in the face.

Now, what do you do?

You laugh.

You laugh again.

All right. Now show us what a real lover can do.

Rudy Valentine.

You're next, Mr Valentine.

Come on.

Cut. I mean... What the hell am I talking about?

I'm sorry. I mean... Hello.

How are you today, Mr Rudy? No, Mr Rudy Va-Va... Rudy Valentine, right?

Did you get a record to play with? I mean, to practise with?

Now. You understand this is not the final audition?

Say hello to Miss Anne Calassandro, who is going to be your acting partner today.

Hi. How are ya?

Rudy, I want you to wait outside that door there. OK, now...

Rudy, when I say "Action", I want you to come through the door,

I want you to look at this room and give it a once-over, and...

Rudy.

Would you come in here? When I say "Action", come into the room,

give the room the once-over and walk straight to Anne Calassandro.

Is that good for you? Good, get ready.

All right. This is a hello.

No, no. It's not a hello. It's a...

It's a take.

All right. Slate it.

- 4,011? - Yes, sir.

- I did 4,011 screen tests this week? - Yes, sir.

- I thought I did 4,018 screen tests. - No, sir. 4,011. I've been keeping track.

- We're falling behind again? - Yes, sir.

- All right, no big deal. Kiss me. - I beg your pardon?

Kiss me.

- Good. Slated? - Yes, sir.

Let's roll. If this jerk can act, I'll eat camel shit.

OK, Mr Valentine. Above all, just relax and have fun.

That's the secret to the whole thing. OK?

And action.

I said action, Mr Valentine.

All right. Give the room a quick once-over.

Interesting. All right, now walk over to the slave girl.

That's it, look at her. This is the woman who has just broken your heart.

Annie.

He's coming nearer - this man who saw you only as a little toy without feelings.

Rudy, look at her shoulders.

How many times did you kiss those naked shoulders?

And those baby cheeks. The innocent bloom around that angel face.

And her breasts. But how many others have played with those same breasts?

Squashed them with their sweaty palms?

And how does she repay you? By running off with another man.

Annie, look at him. Burn him with your contempt.

Rudy, don't let her know your heart is breaking in half.

Instead, you're cool, blas�.

You say, "Hi, my name is Felix. Feel like a dance?"

Go ahead, Rudy. Just as casual as can be.

- Whore. - What the fu?

Telling me Valentino you want to Rudolph your touch titties?

This guy has lost his mind.

You wanna do number eight with Rudolph Valentino?

All right. More seven. More seven. More seven.

Now. Good. Yes.

I love you, Annie. And eight. Eight. Eight.

Eight. Eight.

I want the name of the person who let this fruitcake onto my set.

I want the name of the person who let this fruitcake on my set.

I want the name of the person who let this fruitcake on my set.

You such a good boy, such a nice boy.

If everyone knew how much money you give to my poor little church...

Grazie mille. Grazie mille, bambino.

Grazie.

But you are so modest.

No wonder all girls love you so much.

No. No. Too many pretty girls. Someone must have seen you coming this way.

We must go through the chapel.

Come on, come on.

Come on, come on, come on.

Go out through the little door, next to Saint Anthony. Go ahead. Go, go.

You know what happened. Everything was all right then all of a sudden...

Valentino.

I think of my little Annie lying down next to Rudolph Valentino,

and he's kissing her so softly, the way I never could.

And I think to myself:

"Well, if that's what she wants..."

I'll kill him. I'll kill that son of a bitch.

Oh, God.

Forgive me.

I just wanna die.

Please help me.

Show me some sign.

Just one signal that you hear me.

Thanks.

Boy, I wanna sock ya.

Sock, sock, sock, sock, sock. Bam. That's what I wanna do.

Punch your stomach and sock your head and...

Oh, God. What am I gonna do?

God. Help me.

- Is your name Annie Hickman? - Yes.

- Mr Valentino wants to see you. - Who?

Rudolph Valentino. What are you, an extra?

Yes.

It's that great big tent with all the stripes.

Thank you.

Why don't you stop by Wardrobe and get a pretty costume?

- Where do I go? - Wardrobe. That big tent on your left.

Thank you.

You'd better tell them to give you something sexy to wear.

- Thank you. - That's OK. This could be your lucky night.

- Is that as much as you got? - What?

- That's full flood. - OK, spot it.

Thank you.

- Where you going, honey? - Mr Valentino's tent.

Just keep going straight ahead, sweetheart.

Thank you.

Hi.

Hi.

Mr Valentino has been expecting you. Come in, won't you?

Make yourself at home.

Hello. I'm Rudy Valentino. How you been?

Fine, thank you.

Say, what do you like about me so much? I mean, I just wanna know.

I think you know what goes on in a woman's heart.

Yeah, I got that.

But you're forgetting one very big thing.

What's that?

I'm a sissy boy.

- What are you saying? - Yeah. I like a guy sometimes. It's a lot of fun.

- You? - Sure.

- That can't be true. I don't believe you. - No? You don't believe me, huh?

Watch this.

Say there, handsome. Come on out here a minute, would you?

Let's see one of your legs.

Come on. Let's have a little peek.

Oh, boy. Look at those gams.

Now that's what I call good-looking.

It can't be true. Please tell me you're only teasing me.

Say, whatcha doing tonight, honey?

Maybe we could meet later for a little snack.

Get the hell out of here.

Annie. What happened? Oh, my God.

What did you say?

I said, "Annie. What happened? Oh, my God."

Take me.

Where?

Don't tease me.

I know you like girls.

You love them, don't you?

Maybe two, three times a year, but that would be tops.

Don't fool me.

Would you like me to tell you who you really are?

I mean... I mean, who?

I mean, who? I mean, who?

No, I mean... Yes, I mean, who?

You're the world's greatest lover.

Aren't you?

Aren't you?

You must have had other men...

- who gave you happiness? - No.

You mean, there wasn't one time in your whole life

when someone made you happy in that way?

Never.

You're the only one I want.

What happened? What did I do?

What do you want?

No. Stop. Please. Oh, my God.

I changed my mind.

This isn't what I expected.

Oh, dear God in heaven, have mercy on me.

I want you to know that was the most wonderful experience

I ever had in my whole life.

I never knew what lovemaking meant before.

Is it like that for you all the time?

I don't know how you could ever know so much about women.

I love you, Rudy.

Did you hear what I said?

I said, I love you, Mr Valentino.

Hello.

Hello.

Yes, sir. We were waiting for you to signal. Bring him right over here, boys.

Now, Mr Valentino, take the weight off your feet. Relax, and we're gonna fix you right up.

OK, young lady. Time to go home now.

Mr Valentino's gotta get ready to act in a moving picture.

Say, today's your big scene when you kill all the bad guys, ain't it, Mr Valentino?

Miss. Young lady girl.

Mr Valentino can't play with you no more. You gotta go home now.

- Mr Valentino, I don't understand. - There's some hot coffee outside.

We... You said...

That pretty girl you wanted to see about a specialty bit?

She'll be in your tent as soon as we break for lunch.

Mr Valentino, I...

OK, come on. Come on, Mr Hickman. Hurry up now.

Mr Valentino's been waiting to come in all morning.

- Not nice to take advantage. - Here's your clothes.

Giovanni, tell Mr Valentino he can come back to his tent.

Get some water for his bed. Hurry, Mr Hickman.

Hurry.

Are you a hitchhiker? Hop in, toots.

I'm going downtown LA. Is that all right?

You sure are a cute little hitchhiker.

This guy looks like a creep. All right, listen to me.

We got two beauties so far.

If we find one more guy in the rest of today's junk

that we all agree I really love, OK.

If not, we go into the finals with just the two actors we've got.

And believe me, I wouldn't...

What the hell is going on?

Dorsett.

I... Sorry. That got in by accident.

As I understand it, the man was just last week released from an insane asylum.

Poor devil. It's not his fault. It's not your fault either...

Thank you very much.

Embarrassing, what can I say?

It was tewwible, Mr Zitz.

Terrible.

Terrible, just terrible.

Terrible, terrible, terrible.

Well, terrible.

Were you going to say something?

No. No. It was terrible.

Please. You started to say something.

I would like very much to hear it.

Mr Zitz...

I don't know about these things.

It's just that...

Well, it's the kind of thing that you...

Well, these gentlemen, they know... They have the authority here.

I... I'm not even in the union yet. I'm new here.

And...

Anyway, I liked him.

I love this man.

I want this man by my side 16 hours a day, seven days a week.

- Is that understood? - Yes, sir.

Joe. Make arrangements with his family.

Gentlemen.

One of the three actors we saw this week is going to be

the World's Greatest Lover.

Now. Let's get ready for the finals.

Get in line.

We was here first.

Get in line.

$6.

Por favor, hombre, no me quites mi tiempo. �No sabes que soy un hombre muy ocupado?

Hola, chiquita. � C�mo has estado?

- How much? - Only $5.

$5?

You ought to buy yourself a mirror.

Ay, cosotas. Mira no m�s. �D�nde estaba yo?

- How much? - $3.95.

Bargain day.

You giving away free dishes too?

Ay, mam�.

Ay, mamasota.

Mira no m�s.

- How much? - $8.

$8? $8?

Jesus Christ. Nobody's worth $8.

I wouldn't give $8 to the Queen of Sheba.

V�monos. �Estas viejas qu� se creen?

Se�orita.

How much?

$2,000.

What can you do for $2,000?

I could do number eight.

Number eight?

Can you give me a little sample of number eight?

That's pretty good. I don't know if that's worth $2,000.

Ain't you got something else for me?

- Desgraciada, a mi jefe no se le pega. - Get outta here!

I ain't going nowhere.

Is that her?

We've found your husband for you, lady.

All right, mister, she's all yours.

I brought you some clothes.

I ran off with Rudolph Valentino.

I made love with him in his tent, then he threw me out.

They were right to send me here.

I'll leave you alone, Rudy, I promise.

You're the only decent thing that ever happened to me.

If you could just give me enough money to get back to Milwaukee...

Forgive me. Annie, please...

Forgive me.

Forgive me, please.

Mr Valentine. Mr Valentine.

Mr Valentine.

Mr Valentine, I just spoke with Mr Adolph Zitz.

You're in the final audition for The World's Greatest Lover.

Rainbow Studio are trying to reach you all night.

- Hello, madame. - Hello.

Pardon me. Are you in the middle of rehearsing a little scene?

Yes.

Charming. Mr Zitz called me...

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Say, who are you?

"Who are you." It's just you and two other gentlemen...

- I said, who are you, sir? - You said, "Say who are you".

- What did you say? - "Who are you."

- Say, who the hell are you? - All right. "Who the hell are you."

I said, who the hell are you, mister?

You did not. You said, "Say who the hell are you".

- And what did you say? - "Who the hell are you."

Say, you'd better give me your name, mister.

This is the last time. "You'd better give me your name, mister."

What kind the hell of a crazy people around here?

OK, this first lamppost? Right around here. Stage 14.

- Please. - No, no, no. I mustn't.

Rudy, I know you. You have to trust me. I'll be so nervous, I'll just make you more nervous.

You're late, Mr Valentine.

It's better this way.

- You'll be at the hotel? - I'll be at the hotel.

- Don't you worry about anything. - They're waiting, Mr Valentine.

- Bye-bye. - Bye-bye.

- See you at the hotel. - I'll see you at the hotel.

Rudy.

You can do anything. I promise.

Excuse me. I won't be a moment.

Do you have a piece of paper, please?

Sure, dear. Just a second.

Ladies and gentlemen,

if you have to pee, do it now,

because in a couple of...

because in a couple of minutes, you're all going to see three auditions.

Right after the last audition, I'm going to pick the winner,

and then, just as I promised you,

you're going to watch the winner film his very first scene

from Rainbow Studios' new spectacular film,

The World's Greatest Lover.

All right.

Now, take a look at these three faces.

Here they are, the three contestants. Examine them closely.

Form your own opinions, because, in a little while,

one of these three men is going to be the most famous actor in America.

Freddie.

This is for a guy named Rudy Valentine on stage 14.

Freddie.

- Don't give it to him till after the auditions. - Got ya.

So?

What? Say it.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, our next contestant,

Mr Tony Lassiter.

Ready?

Annnnnnnnddddddd...

- action. - Look at me when I'm talking to you.

I'm not a toy. I'm not a piece of stone.

Save all your stupid games for all your other lovers.

- Why did you do it? - Hamed. Please.

Don't "Hamed" me.

Whore. Strumpet.

For Rudy Valentine.

- Not till this scene is over. - Do you hear?

The truth, you filthy pig.

Ask... just ask me.

During the time you were lying naked in his arms and he let you have it,

were you thinking of me?

Or were you thinking of him?

- You. - I believe her.

Do you hear me, God? I love this lady.

She is as pure in my eyes as is the rain that falls from heaven.

This for you. They tell me to give you after the scene.

Thank you very much.

Congratulations, darling.

I knew you'd win. I just knew it.

I'm leaving on the noon train for Milwaukee.

Rudy, you don't need me here.

This is what you've wanted all your life.

If you would just accept what you really want in your heart, we'll both be happy,

even if we're not together.

Goodbye, darling. I love you. Annie.

You're on, Mr Valentine. Come on. You're on.

Rudy.

Rudy. Come on, come on. You're next.

Come on, come on. This is it. You're next.

Annie.

Rudy, you remember Miss Calassandro, don't you?

Hi. How you feelin' today?

All right, folks, let's get ready.

Ladies and gentlemen, your attention, please.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, may I present our third and last contestant,

Mr Rudy Ballantyne.

Sorry. Sorry, folks. That's Valentine.

Rudy Valentine.

Let's have absolute quiet, please.

Annnnnnnnddddddd...

action.

I said action.

Hi.

My name is Felix. Feel like a dance?

Stand up, cutie. Let's see your stuff.

Oh, boy. Aren't you something?

Look at that.

You got some hot stuff.

Only trouble is...

I don't like girls.

That's right. No, sirree. Not for me.

You didn't know that, did you?

Don't like them. Don't like them at all.

Don't like them. Don't like them. I don't like them.

Do you understand what I'm saying? Do you understand?

I'm saying that I don't like...

I love you.

You're the only one I ever loved.

I just didn't know it.

Can you understand that?

I loved you, but I didn't know it.

I love you now.

I loved you when we first met.

And even after you've forgotten all the pain I've caused you...

and perhaps have forgotten me...

I'll love you then.

Don't leave me.

Don't leave. Please.

Love me again.

I do. I love you.

I love this guy.

Bravo.

Bravo. Bravo.

Jeez.

- What do you think? - That's him.

That's him, you big fathead.

That's him. That's our lover.

That guy is the World's Greatest Lover.

He's mine, he's mine. Please.

I love him. Oh, God, I love him so much.

For Christ's sake, gimme a break. I love him.

Don't you hear what I'm saying to you? I love that man.

Rudy, what the hell are you doing?

- Rudy? - What's happening?

Rudy. What you doing?

Rudy. Jesus.

This is fake.

This is not real life.

Stop that man.

Get out of the way.

Oh, boy. Look at those gams.

What are you doing tonight, honey? Maybe we could meet later for a little snack?