Original subtitles

Nida. Mobeen's fiancée.

Why don't you just… run along now, bitch?

Don't tell your dad, please.

Be quiet.

Your…

Oh, yes!

Do it again to the bastard!

-Did you miss me? -No.

-I swear. -Say I can't say that

cos I did miss you a little bit, I did.

But shut up anyway, man.

Be careful, mate.

She's got backup.

She runs these ends. Better remember that.

Have some respect for me name!

This is my cousin Naveed's little brother.

Oh, you remember Naveed?

I --

Well, you got me stabbed and you kidnapped my little sister.

Technically she kidnapped herself.

That's the funny thing about it.

I love it when they self-kidnap.

Get out my personal space, you evil twit.

-Drink. -I'm good, you know.

I had a mango mojito.

They gave me a little straw and that.

No, me, you dickhead. Get me a drink.

Why are you calling me a dickhead for?

I'm not a dickhead, dickhead. -Oh, he hasn't forgiven me

for telling my whole family how he wet the bed.

What? Why -- Why have you got

to say that in front of him? -At the age of 23.

How many times have I got to tell you?

I spilt a bottle of Lilt on my sheets.

Oh, a Lilt bottle which just happened to have

human piss in it, yeah? -It's not human piss.

What is wrong with you? -You're being -- You're being --

You're being loud, innit.

Sorry about that. Sorry about the noise.

Sorry about the noise, mate. -Anyway.

You, listen to me.

Look, I understand that you're angry.

-Yes. -But I am one of two people

in the whole world who knows where your little sister,

the shit doctor, actually is.

Well, I'm one of them too.

Because she's in the UAE. -But for how long?

What is that supposed for mean?

Oh, shit, sorry. Uh…

it's the burner.

How many times have I told you not to call it that?

-What? -Give me the phone.

Dad.

What's her problem, bro?

She's so mean, do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

You look just like your brother, you know.

-Mm, yeah, you think so? -I do.

You okay, bro? You look -- You look sad.

-Well, no, I'm fi-- I'm fine. -Yeah?

-You okay? -Yep. I'm -- I'm fine.

-Good. -Just annoyed with her, innit?

Look, brother. Don't take tension.

-No, you're right. I know. -Yeah?

-Yeah. -Say it with me, cuz.

Don't take tension. -Don't take tension.

-You're right, man. -Yeah, yeah.

But did -- did you see the way she talks to me?

I know, I know, I know.

So aggy.

You just need to understand.

Don't rush things, okay?

You've got your whole life ahead of you…

in front of you.

I'm sorting out the Turks.

I don't need any help from you.

This pathetic attempt to try and prove yourself

has got to stop.

You do just as I say.

And Mobeen, he's out, huh?

So, why isn't he here yet?

I needed him here, and now I have to move on.

I will get him to the new location.

Just let me do things my way,

and he'll be with you in a few days.

Stick to the plan. My plan, huh?

Get Mobeen here, and do it fucking quickly.

Old bald prick.

I'm taking her down from the inside, bro.

Wait for her to mash it all up.

And then when the time's right, I take over the ends.

-Yes, you're ready for this. -I'm ready, you know.

You're ready. I swear you're ready.

Ready to run these streets.

Cos you know what? You're smart.

You're intelligent. -I've got it up here.

-I can see it. -Yeah.

You've got a great head on your shoulders.

-Passport. -Why? Where are we going?

-The passport. -Oh, yeah.

Yeah, sorry, sorry.

That's for you.

Boy, that is actually sick.

Jesus Garcia.

Well, it's not perfect.

Very good now.

My family's always done passports.

I can get another one for you just like that.

If you want one…

you'll need to do a little something for me though.

-No, thank you. -You gonna wait another

three months until you're off licence?

I wonder where your sister's gonna be then, big man.

-I'll figure something out. -You sure about that?

Yeah, I said I'll figure something out.

Suit yourself.

Hey, hey, my bro, my bro.

Give my condolences to your family, yeah?

-Thank you, my bro. -God's will…

-God's will… -Oh. Just keep your head up.

Are you okay? -Yeah.

Here for you any time, yeah?

Alright. Thank -- Thank you, bro.

Okay, bye.

-Aqsa here. -Oh, come on Aks.

What the hell is this?!

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Look, guys, guys, guys. Harper will listen to me.

Why? Because he's got mad respect for me.

Now listen to this.

When we were Maway,

he let me buy his coffee every single morning

for two years straight.

I still remember his order.

Oat flat white, extra hot milk with a cinnamon shot.

See?

-What? -That's why I got to get Harps

at the chai house.

He's got the best taste buds I've ever come across.

Come across his taste buds?

That what you were doing in prison?

No, no, no, no. I -- I didn't mean it like that.

Anyway, it's good to have him around.

He spots danger, and you just never know

where danger's coming from. What you talking about?

Big man, you've got a brand-new business partner.

We don't know who Jerry is. It's good that he's around

to just, you know, vet him out, man,

do you know what I'm saying? -Is it every day

be suspicious, Mobes?

Yes. Look at our lives.

Nothing is gonna stop me from my chai dreams.

Okay? -Okay.

When we get in here, leave him to me.

You know how I am with the people, in particular with him.

Okay? That handsome dog will listen to me.

Watch this.

Fuck off. There's no one in.

Who's that?

I'm telling you, man, there's something wrong with Harps.

It's like he's been cursed.

-It could be black magic. -Black magic.

The hell you say something, boy?

No, whoa, whoa, whoa.

No, no, no that directly translates as black magic.

Yeah.

-Chill out, brother. -Relax, relax.

My cousin, man, black magic is real.

You know, it is real.

Remember when Shady's daughter did a curse on you in school?

-What curse? -Brother, you know the one.

Which one?

The curse that stopped you growing after the age of 12.

Hey ya mean! Hey ya mean.

Hey, hey, no need to be grumpy, man.

Um, or any other seven dwarves.

Oh! We firing, cuz, we are firing here.

A little brown-ass kitten.

My Small Heath DJ Khaled.

Excuse me, I support Palestine. Yeah?

There's a big difference. -Oh, not these dickheads again.

-More water balloons, yeah? -What'd he say, fam?

Hey, hey, hey. Relax. Yeah? The size of these kids.

-Tell it to 'em. -One swing of my dong

will put you boys to sleep.

Are you a paedo, fam?

-It sounded noncey. -Did it?

You swinging dongs at kids, it's noncey.

Oh, come on, come on. I'll handle this.

Let's just chill, yeah?

Let's feel the love and put the hate away.

Let's put some unity into the…

-Don't say it. -…community.

-He rhymed it. -You feel me, family?

It's easy when you know what you're doing.

The yutes, them of today, they just want to be seen and heard.

So, let me just do my tingaling and squash the…beef.

Yeah, no, what is the drama?

We both know this is just a flex. Yeah?

So, let's just relax,

deep breaths, and put that thing away…

Aah! Sister fucker!

-We did try to tell him. -Smile for the camera, dickhead.

Smile. Smile. Do smiling.

Call the fucking ambulance!

-Have a good day, see ya. -Shit, crossbow.

You can buy them crossbows on the internet easy.

That's some madness.

-Yeah, I know, I know. -That's what happens

when there's no more king of the jungle.

Do you know what I mean?

When that bastard Khan was running the ends

things ran smooth. -Facts.

-They ran smooth, bro. -Yeah, facts are facts.

Call the West Mids Air Ambulance, for fuck sake!

Air ambulance?

You got shot in the leg, not the ear.

They're gonna have to amputate my leg!

I'm gonna be even shorter!

Hey, Aqsa Deen. how are ya?

I'm good. Things are getting exciting here.

Mr. Khan's got so much money, his business is proper global.

Yeah, that -- that's good. That's good.

They've even taken my passport

cos it looks like we're on the move.

Proper globetrotting. -Wait, wait, wait,

what do you mean they took your passport?

Don't worry. I'll send you a selfie on my private jet.

-Where -- Where are you going? -Don't know yet.

Could be Miami, could be Australia, could be Brazil.

Guess that's the life of a jet setter.

Well, the mandem are gonna be so proud of you, you know.

Most of us have never left the ends.

Most of them aren't legally allowed to leave ends.

-This is true. -Anyways,

when I know I'll let you know.

Love you. Love to Nate.

Love you too, kid.

-He's losing a lot of blood. -Is he?

See you later.

Shit.

You're on TikTok already.

-Man's an influencer and that? -Look at this.

"Pussy ho crossbowed in Small Heath."

♪ Yeah, catch a fuckin' bullet ♪

Look who it is.

Mobeen. -♪ Ayo ♪

♪ I break bread, ribs, $100 bills ♪

♪ Peel on Ducatis and other four-wheels ♪

♪ Write a book full of medicine and generate mils ♪

♪ Tour the album, only for more sales ♪

I knew you'd come running back, chunky.

Take a seat.

Just tell me what I need to do

so I can get it done, you unhinged auntie.

The job is like my cousin -- very simple.

You know what? Shut up! I'm done with you yapping at me.

Yo, yo, yo, just chill, chill, chill, man.

Anyway, my money is tied up,

so I need you to collect 200K from the Turks.

-The Turks? -I almost forgot.

They don't actually know you're taking it.

-Are you taking the piss? -No, relax.

You'll figure something out.

I've already figured something out.

You want to get me killed.

Look, what is all this tension?

You're gonna give yourself a heart attack.

That's not funny.

My family has a history of heart conditions.

Don't make jokes about that.

Not to mention your obvious cholesterol problem.

Chill a bit. Chill, chill.

Thing is, lads, this operation, a lot of arseholes

thought a woman couldn't run these ends,

but they were wrong… cos I'm killing it.

Sure boss, mate. Honestly, yeah.

You studied medicine for seven years,

helped vulnerable people in the NHS,

and, uh, decided to give it all up to sell drugs like your dad.

Very powerful feminism. Well done.

Hold on.

Move. Get! -Okay. Oh!

That's her old man on the phone now.

Basically, he wants you out there ASAP,

and it's beef between them cos you ain't gone yet.

That actually makes sense.

I swear, she's not cut out for this, bro. The ends are mad.

Have you heard about this 14-year-old boy

that got crossbowed in broad daylight?

-Yeah, I know him actually. -Shit's not gonna happen

when I'm running tings.

People are gonna respect me, like they did my brother.

-Iqbal. -Yes, Mobeen?

I've got something I need to tell you.

I've got a missus, bro.

-Not like that. -I'm not judging.

I know you were in prison and that and you probably,

you know, got lonely.

You do you, but I'm just saying…

Big man, just relax, okay? I didn't mean it like that.

Yeah.

Ahh, my own chai shop.

Put one table over there. Some plants in the window.

Oh, mate, help me, man. I'm a victim of a drive-by shooting!

Fake grass in the wall.

I can't feel my thigh regions -I can't wait for Harps

to see this magical kingdom of chai.

-Just one thing. -Yeah?

Harper is a complete zombie who is in no way on board

with any of this shit whatsoever.

Thank you so much for the positivity.

He just needs someone to make him snap out of it.

There's only one person that can do that.

-Mm-hmm. Me. -Mobeen.

Don't worry, I'm on it.

Oh, no, I am worried. Saj. Excu-- Excuse me, hello, Saj.

Ah, I am fucked.

For goodness sake, it had to be Emre's place,

and it had to be right next to Nate's place.

♪ I sold bits, I sold raw ♪

I'm ruined!

♪ Press a brick, never fraud ♪

♪ I sold bits, I sold raw ♪

♪ I sold hits, sold out tours ♪

♪ Press a brick, never fraud ♪

♪ Said I'll quit, just sold some more ♪

Lovely, brother. Yeah, yeah, amazing.

What a fade. Yeah.

So, now you owe me for two haircuts, Mr. Mobeenis.

This one and the one before you went inside the prisons.

Well, I think I could, um…

do you a couple favours to make up for it.

You don't mean…

…the sexuals?

No, I hope not.

Oh, I meant sweeping up.

Yeah.

-Yes. -Yeah?

-Okay. -Okay.

I'll do that for ya.

The great Mobeen is my little errand boy.

Go get your shoeshine box, Tommy! I love it!

♪ Don't sweat the technique ♪

-Mobeenis. -Bro.

Your sweeping's a bag of shit.

Put your back into it.

Look at your top, you have a stain.

Got you, little errand boy.

You useless bloody wanker.

Come on, where this money at?

Come on. Ah.

Where has he hid it? Oof! Fucking hell.

♪ He's ready for victory ♪

♪ He walks again by night ♪

♪ Ruthlessly meeting wit the unknown ♪

-Mobeenis. -What?

Don't go down there.

♪ Trained in guerrilla ♪

♪ Warfare plus equipped wit mental hardware ♪

♪ Manifesting organisational skills cos ♪

Oh! Fuck's sake!

Oy!

Ush! Tugay!

It's guard dog. You don't want to upset him, Mobeen.

He killed the Amazon delivery man.

Killed him?

J-Just to confirm…

that angry guard dog,

he lives in the basement every night on his own all the time?

Never. That will be cruel.

Put him in the shop in the dark on his own.

So, that dog does not live in that basement at night?

-Exactly. -You sure?

How many times I have to bloody fucking say that?!

I think you said it three times.

-Three? -Uh, yeah.

Get out. Go on! Cheeky bastard!

Alright, okay, okay, alright.

Look, two minutes of your time. That's all I ask.

If I do, do you promise to piss off the moment you're done?

Deal! And look,

I know you're tired of everybody trying to fix you,

so I'm not gonna talk you into anything.

-Good. -Yeah.

Instead, I'm gonna drop some lyrical science.

-What? -♪ Man like Saj on the mic ♪

♪ Here we go, here we go ♪

♪ Officer Harper, you know you'll always be my hero ♪

♪ Once locked me in the toilets of a Café Nero ♪

♪ Keeping the peace all over Small Heath ♪

♪ Even though you're whiter than Simon Cowell's teeth ♪

♪ Making sure the horde rats get dragged through the courts ♪

♪ A wizard on the streets, must be from Hogwarts ♪

♪ Carries himself with panache and style ♪

♪ Even though he's locking up an old paedophile ♪

♪ Everyone in the ends knows that you are sick ♪

♪ And the rumours say you got a big… ♪

♪ Heart ♪

♪ Two trailer-park girls go round the outside ♪

♪ Round the outside, round the outside ♪

This would have never happened if Harps was here.

He's just so much better with hot water than I am.

Trust in yourself. Okay, you got this.

And plus, you got to get much better with hot water

if you're running a tea shop, and it's a big part of the game.

I've done it. I've finally done it.

Reached the top shelf of the fridge?

I've fixed Harper.

Turns out I'm basically the sickest therapist.

What was your technique, Dr. Saj?

Thanks for asking. Music.

He really connected with the bars I wrote about him.

Want to hear them? -No.

Wait, let me put this up in the shop wall.

-Yeah, definitely not. -Definitely will.

Mum's finally gonna be proud of me.

Yeah, I don't know if she's proud of you,

but she definitely want's to… -I swear, chill, chill, chill.

Moonfish, Nathaniel, get the urn on.

I've got business to do.

I'm definitely emotional right now.

I'm quite aroused.

The thing that saved me was realising

if I didn't pull myself together,

I'd end up a pathetic thimble of piss

that lived at home with this mum

and spits bars at vulnerable men.

No offence.

So, I guess in a way it did fix me.

Just not in the way Ken Dick Lamar thought.

Well, I'm glad you're back, my bro.

Cos your eyes are… they're impeccable, bro.

You always spot danger left and right.

Danger in the chai shop. Danger in life.

-What's going on, Moonjugs? -Nothing.

Say, "I swear by Allah."

Allah knows best.

That's not what I said. Mobeen.

Yo, I just laid down the sickest freestyle.

Wanna hear it?

-Yeah, fuck off. -Definitely not.

♪ Informer, ya say no daddy me Snow me I go blame ♪

♪ A licky boom boom down ♪ -You had it coming…

darling. -She's right, bastard.

Anything else? -No, Daddy Ji.

Uncle, come on, at the end of the day, man, you've got…

Uncle, I need to get something off my chest, okay?

Yeah, those two big jubblies.

I'm blind, and I need your advice. Okay?

Let's say I had a friend

who didn't have fucking dhal in his eye, okay?

But he needed to get into a basement, okay?

And in that basement, you couldn't get there cos

there was a very dangerous dog.

How could he get in the basement?

Stop the bullshit. I know you have no friend.

You should do what I did when I was in the army.

-You were in the army? -Yeah. I can't tell you more.

If I tell you, I have to kill you.

You so, you need to dig in a tunnel to get in.

Let me show you how. -Digging a tunnel.

I can dig through Nate's basement.

Yes, bastard. And also wipe your fat face.

♪ I knew this chump, see, he tried to play me ♪

♪ He was my right-hand man, but he betrayed me ♪

Come on in.

What the hell is all this, Uncle?

This better not be no kinky sex dungeon, Uncle.

Is this some kind of man cave?

It's Uncle's cave, bastard.

-Did you stuff this dog? -Yes, I did.

It's too white. Almost racistly white.

Okay, Uncle. Is that yours as well, yeah?

How else do you think I get body like this?

-No, no, yeah. -This is how you dig the tunnel.

Oh, shoot. Wow.

That's the one they use in Hatton Garden robbery.

-Did they really? -Yeah.

Shit. It's perfect, Uncle.

Where did you get all this stuff from, Uncle?

I collect souvenirs from world worst criminals.

-Of course you do. -That's OJ Simpson's glove.

And what about…? -No, no, don't. Don't touch it.

You don't want to leave your DNA on that one.

Look at this.

Uh, it's a Tommy Robinson's Stone Iceland wardrobe.

You're the highest bidder.

I am, yeah. We are going to get it.

Well done.

Shall we go? I can take the drill now.

No, no, no, no, not right now.

Let's do some exercise first.

We need to get rid of these tits.

♪ What a man, what a man, what a man ♪

♪ What a mighty good man ♪

♪ You got to say it again now ♪

♪ What a man, what a man, what a man ♪

♪ What a mighty good man ♪

♪ Yeah, he's a mighty, mighty good man ♪

♪ What a man, what a man, what a man ♪

♪ What a mighty good man ♪ -♪ Yes, he is ♪

♪ What a man, what a man, what a man ♪

♪ What a mighty good man ♪ -♪ Oh, uh, yeah ♪

♪ I wanna t-- ♪

It's a business, mate. We need to make money.

Have you lost your mind again, boy?

We're doing this for the love of chai.

It's a thing of beauty that needs to be cherished.

-It's a cup of tea mate. -A cup of…?

A cu-- A cup of tea?!

I don't even know who you are, really.

You'll know if I can speak to you when you're in this mood.

Do you have to breathe

like that?! -Yo. Yo, yo, you two.

Let's just bring a little bit of calm in here, okay.

You -- You need a break.

Look how hard you've been working, bro.

Give me -- Give me keys.

Give me the keys, I'll take care of the rest of it.

-You sure? -Yeah, come on.

Get home, whack the candles on, get in the bubbly bath.

Oh, thanks, Mobes. Look after these, though.

You man go home, have a little rest and that, okay?

♪ You've got to fix your head so you ain't sick ♪

♪ Grab your life and kick it in the dick ♪

♪ Bitch, give me that stick ♪

♪ I'm about to give it one lick ♪

Have some shame…

You want to have sex with Grandma?

Have you seen her milk makers?

You bastard.

No milk comes out, it's finished 20 years ago.

You're just lick licking.

-Dirty person. -NO. You're a dirty person.

Dirty person.

You wanna have sex with her, taa taa.

Sorry, mate.

Don't do it. It's rude.

Good to keep the kids safe on the way to school.

Hello, Uncle, I need your help. The drill's not working.

No problem, bastard.

-Where you come from? -Just get out of here.

I'm too big for this hole.

Yeah, you are filling the whole hole…

because you have eaten too much sugar, bastard.

-How much longer, Uncle? -You are nearly home, fatty.

Yes! Back in Pakistan very happy.

Keep going, Uncle.

Bang, bang!

Slowly!

Can you see anything, Uncle?

No, nothing here.

This is all hair product.

And moustache wax. -Let me see that.

This is good stuff.

Come on, baby. Ladies love this shit.

Could even make me more handsome.

Please, please, please.

In the name of Allah!

Uncle, Uncle…

This is my ticket to Aqsa.

And this is my ticket to sexy moustache.

A-ha.

Well done!

That's it, push it now. Uncle, push it.

G'wan!

Uh, why is there a huge hole in my wall, Moondog?

What hole?

What the hell is this for?

Let's go back, Uncle.

Let's go back.

It looks like Jerry was right to keep an eye

on his new business partners.

It's very strong.

Wasn't expecting that.

♪ Alright, stop whatcha doin' cos I'm about to ruin ♪

♪ The image and the style that ya used to ♪

♪ I look funny, but, yo, I'm makin' money, see ♪

♪ So, yo, world I hope you're ready for me ♪

♪ Now gather 'round, I'm the new fool in town ♪

♪ And my sound's laid down by the Underground ♪

♪ I drink up all the Hennessey ya got on ya shelf ♪

♪ So just let me introduce myself ♪

♪ My name is Humpty, pronounced with a Umpty ♪

♪ Yo, ladies, oh, how I like to funk thee ♪

♪ And all the rappers in the top 10 ♪

♪ Please allow me to bump thee ♪