Original subtitles

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You see, Jimmy,

I finally discovered the difference

between a husband and a lover.

And what is the difference?

Night and day.

Must you be whimsical

at a time like this?

And what's worse, evasive?

I suppose I am a bit sneaky.

But, Marsha, you must make

a choice between us.

We can't go on like this.

I've made my choice, darlings.

Which one of us then?

"Neither. I'm going back to my husband."

I'm not going to marry

either of you.

I'm going back to my husband.

You read the play.

I didn't have to.

I've heard the same line in the same situation

in at least seven plays in the last 10 years.

It's Broadway's version of

"I know a shortcut through the pass."

I might accept

a diamond bracelet.

Just a small one.

Parker.

Hey, S.P.

Hello, S.P.

Don't forget I'm expecting you two for brunch on Sunday.

We wouldn't miss it.

Angie, would you see that he gets there on time?

Now, how can I promise?

It took the United States Army

to get Parker out of bed before noon.

If I'd have known the hours our infantry kept,

I'd have fought for the other side.

Good night, S.P.

Good night, Parker.

Good night.

Good night, Angie.

See you Sunday.

What did he say? Did he like my play?

I didn't ask him.

He's the most important critic in the theater.

You don't do that sort of thing, my boy.

You handle a critic just like a polecat.

Be nice and friendly

but stay away from the business end.

Anyway, we'll know in a few hours.

Yeah, if I live so long.

But h-he did look happy, didn't he?

He seemed to be in a... In a great mood.

I know. That's what worries me.

Just look at him, Angie.

Twelve years I've been watching that face.

Doesn't he look like an angel at work?

Have you ever seen such a saintly expression?

Ah, he's adorable.

He's adorable all right.

Now, you see how happy he looks?

That means he's murdering the play.

Was it really that bad?

I loved it,

and the audience laughed like crazy.

I'm sure Parker will find something nice to say about it.

Not a chance.

If he liked it, he'd be in agony.

Many a night, I've sat around watching him suffer

over a favorable review.

Ah, now, cut that out, Joe.

Parker's a dedicated man and completely honest.

Parker's a lucky guy, having a wife like you.

Who else would hang around a city room half the night

just waiting for him?

You know, you've given him

the only real home life he's ever had.

I wish I'd seen you first.

Stay warmed up. He may not go the distance.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Ballantine.

Hello, Mr. Rittenhouse.

I'll have my review in right away, Joe.

Very exciting production for off-Broadway.

Save it for tomorrow, Harvey.

Parker's review may run long, and I'm cramped for space.

Oh, hello, Parker.

How do you feel?

Fine. How do I look?

Well, you can't always tell by the way someone looks.

He's really concerned about my health.

He's afraid I might live.

Oh, how can you say a thing like that?

Because that's the way I felt

when I was a second-string critic.

You're in great form

tonight, Parker.

"The truth is, Ivy London's clothes

gave a better performance than she did."

It's a good thing you can't be shot

for having an opinion.

It's happened.

Good night.

Keep him outta dark alleys.

Mm. Just what I wanted. Where's John?

John. Breakfast.

We'll be late for our game.

John.

Come to breakfast.

Say, where's the ball?

How should I know?

Well, you had it last, remember?

You said it was your turn to keep it in your room.

Did you look under his pillow?

Very funny.

Hey, here's an item about a woman named Triplet

who had quadruplets.

Imagine a tri...

Did anyone hear me? I... I didn't make it up, you know.

It's right here in the paper. A woman named Tr...

Right there.

What do you say we all go back to bed

and get a fresh start tomorrow morning?

Boy, this is one of the best reviews you've ever written.

Well, it was a bad play.

Hey, there's a great big picture of Mom

right alongside your review, Dad.

Oh?

Hey!

Hey, you used one of my lines. Right there, remember?

I made it up just two weeks ago.

Are you sure? It was typed.

Well, I type them sometimes.

The best line in the review

and you only paid me 10 cents for it.

You're a child. I didn't wanna spoil you.

Well, you just reworded it a little.

"The clothes gave a better performance than the actress."

And besides, I never thought you'd use it on my own mother.

He'd use it on his own mother.

Speaking of mothers,

according to Godfrey Von Hagedorn,

it's all psychosomatic,

your not being able to get pregnant.

It is, is it?

Uh-huh.

Well, he says Dad had me with Ivy,

so he's all right.

And you have a wide pelvis,

so you ought to be all right.

So the trouble must be psychosomatic.

Nonorganic, therefore psychically motivated.

Will you stop talking like a child?

And who is Godfrey Von Hagedorn?

Would you mind identifying him just for us laymen?

Godfrey, the new kid who just moved in downstairs.

The peanut who sits here and watches television with you?

Yeah.

During the commercials,

they talk about my pelvis.

Hey, we should be honored, Angie.

Think of it, right here in our own living room,

Godfrey Von Hagedorn,

the famous, 12-year-old gynecologist.

Well, Godfrey knows all that psychosomatic stuff.

His father's an analyst.

Godfrey puts a glass up against the wall

and listens to all the stuff the patients tell his old man.

How do you like that?

The father's an analyst,

and the kid's a stool pigeon.

Godfrey says you probably feel inferior to Ivy,

because she's a glamorous actress

and you're just from Random House.

You're afraid that your baby

won't turn out as good as hers did.

Me, I mean.

I think maybe you oughta watch TV

down in their apartment for a while.

Okay, but Dr. Von Hagedorn says we make too much noise.

He's writing a play.

Oh.

Godfrey showed me the first act

and asked my opinion of it.

Well, Godfrey does psychoanalysis for your family,

and you do drama criticism for his?

Yeah, kind of.

You know, I've been toying with an idea for a play.

You have?

Mm-hm.

You know how you always laugh, right out loud,

when I tell you stories about the way Mother raised us,

and the crazy things that happened,

and those nutty sisters of mine?

Sally and Marge?

Uh-huh.

Sure, why don't you write a short story about them?

No. No, it's just gotta be a play.

I feel it in my bones.

Besides, the theater needs new blood.

You said so yourself in one of your Sunday pieces.

I did? Well, I was dead wrong.

That's the trouble with this country.

Everybody wants to be a writer.

Nobody wants to be a plumber, and there's more money in it.

I suppose you think you're terribly funny.

Oh, come off it, Angie.

You're the most wonderful girl in the whole world,

but you're not a writer.

Why knock your brains out?

Thank you for the help and encouragement.

Angie.

Oh, just go slide off a base or something.

You sure handled that great.

Now she won't even come to the game.

Ah, she'll come.

She wouldn't miss it.

Angie.

Ah, Angie, you know what I mean when I te...

It's a little frostbitten.

Who's coming to dinner, Mickey Mantle?

I didn't mean to upset you, darling.

I'm sorry. Honestly, I am.

Well, all right.

But I do think I might have something, Parker,

and I'd just like to try.

After all, Mother certainly was a wacky businesswoman.

The crazy way she ran her interior decorating shop,

and three daughters to support, all as mad as she was.

I think I know what you mean.

She falls in love with a man who almost marries her,

but the daughters are too much for him,

the weird things they do.

Yeah.

But in the end, everything turns out great.

Her business is a big success, and the daughters

go out in the world and make their own way.

Yeah, something like that.

Do you think it would go?

In Boston tryouts alone, it's folded 12 times.

Oh, Parker.

Well, I'm gonna write my play, and nobody's gonna stop me.

All right, all right.

And with those words flung bravely into the face

of a mocking, hostile world,

Angela Ballantine's career was launched.

Tonight, I'd like to present the winner

of the Clare Booth Luce Award

for America's cutest playwright.

Will you please say a few words, Mrs. Ballantine?

Take off.

Don't worry about it.

It's just a superficial brain wound.

What'd you do, get her sore all over again?

She hit you?

No, no, of course not. Don't give it a thought.

It's nothing. Come on.

Do you think she'll really write that play?

Oh, she'll begin it, all right.

Just like she began that art course

and that rug last summer.

She won't stay with it, though.

She's got all the bulldog endurance

of a snowflake.

All right, Schwartzie baby, settle down in there.

Come on, Davey, let's go now.

Put it over, Dave, come on.

Little chatter out there, guys.

Come on, get ahold of it, Godfrey.

Ooh. Ooh.

Watch it with the spikes, huh?

I've been watching for her too.

It's the sixth inning. She ought to be here by now.

Could be she was serious about that play.

All right, Davey,

all right, come on.

Put it over, put it over. Right here now.

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Throw it.

Go.

Oh! Oh.

Out!

Gotcha.

What do you mean I'm out?

Oh, my back.

Oh, fellas.

What, can't ya get up?

Oh, my back.

His back.

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

How's things on your planet?

All right, some of you fellas,

pick him up and bring him over here on the bench.

Right over this way. This is it.

Right on the bench.

Steady, men. Hold steady, men.

Over here, now.

If you find any parts, they're mine.

All right, fellas, this way.

What is it?

What is it, Dad?

My back.

Hey, Dad? Dad? Mr. Ballantine, Dad, he's hurt.

Yes, yes, son, I see.

Stand back, everyone, I'm... I'm a doctor.

Excuse me, sonny. Pardon me.

Well, what have we here, Mr. Ballantine?

Oh, do something, doc. I feel like an anteater.

Relax, Mr. Ballantine.

It's a little outside my line. I'm a psychiatrist.

Tell me, have you ever had this trouble before?

Oh, not for years.

Not since he was married to my mother.

Oh, I see.

Well, you know, these things aren't always physical.

Sometimes they're emotional, caused by tension.

What have I got to be tense about?

Just try moving around.

One more time, okay. Feel better?

All right, everyone, you can go back.

Enjoy the ball game, he's all right.

Thanks a lot, doc.

Uh, Von Hagedorn's my name.

I'm your new neighbor. Downstairs, Apartment 3C.

Oh, yes, I... I've met your Godfrey.

Yes, I've been wanting to meet you.

I always read your reviews.

Oh, fine.

Well, I think I better get back in the game.

I don't wanna let the team down.

If I were you, I'd rest that back.

No, no, no. I feel fine.

And if I can ever do anything for you...

Now that you mention it, I do a little writing on my own.

Sometime I'd like you to take a look at a play

that I've been working on.

A play?

What...?

What happened, Mr. Ballantine?

Fellas, he did it again.

Come on. Get him to the bench.

Back to the bench, that's it.

Don't panic.

It's definitely emotional. Let's go. Make way for him.

Don't panic, everybody.

It's gonna be all right. There you go.

There. Oh, that's the spot.

Oh, it's heaven.

I'm sorry I lost my temper this morning.

And I should have gone to the game.

Was John disappointed?

Well, sort of.

He wanted to show off for you a little, I guess.

Where is he now?

Up in his room.

You better rest this afternoon.

Yeah. Lock the door.

You trying to show off too?

I wanna get started on my play. May I use your typewriter?

Well, what's mine's yours. The rent's a kiss an hour.

Just bought four seconds.

I wonder what kind of paper I should use.

Well, there's white, yellow, onionskin.

Try a little of each.

I'm fresh out of parchment,

but some of our best things have been written

on tablets of jade.

Oh, Parker, why do you have to be such a damn tease?

You know, I might just accomplish something.

My sisters were funnier than you think.

They were?

Yes, they were.

Wow. You're now the owner of a second-hand typewriter.

I wish you luck.

I wish you Mary, Mary, My Fair Lady,

and Abie's Irish Rose.

Oh, gosh, now you've gone and scared me.

So start tonight.

Can't. We're having dinner with Mother tonight, remember?

She's leaving tomorrow for Washington

to decorate that new African ambassador's apartment.

Well, start tomorrow then. Sunday's great to start a play.

Champlain's party is tomorrow.

Although, how you can face him after that review you wrote...

Aren't you afraid he'll slip you a poisoned hors d'oeuvre?

You still don't understand.

I've panned a dozen plays he's produced,

and what I've written hasn't affected our friendship

in the slightest.

That's the way it is with professionals.

Yeah, I guess so.

There. Does that give you any inspiration?

I could go further.

Parker, please, I wish you'd just go.

Okay, but if you need anything...

I'm gonna take a hot bath.

I might even drown myself.

Fine. That'll be good for you.

Thanks a lot.

Hope the gurgling won't disturb you as I go under.

Well, here we are.

We had to send out for the buns.

Hamburgers he has

to have in Sardi's.

Parker, let him alone.

I may have been a lousy mother,

but I'm a marvelous grandmother, aren't I?

Not bad.

I didn't think you were a lousy mother, Charlie,

I thought you were wonderful.

Remember how you used to let us practically live

on banana and peanut-butter sandwiches?

That was because I couldn't cook.

Angie's a whiz in the kitchen.

Have you ever tasted her frozen fielder's mitt?

Never mind, sorehead.

Well, what have you all been up to?

You I know.

You've been closing plays single-handedly.

Angie? Oh, how are you coming along on the rug?

She's still hoping it'll fly.

That's not funny.

I'm not working on the rug anymore, Mother.

I, uh... I've started something new.

Oh?

A play.

A what?

A play?

She can't be serious.

Angie, you can't even write a letter.

Well, you're about as much help as Parker.

Oh, now, now, take it easy. I didn't mean it that way.

What are you writing

a play about, dear?

Are you ready? It's about you.

About me?

Well, not just you. It's about all of us.

Sally, Marge and me

and the funny things that happened.

Funny? It was chaos.

Look, dear, I know you have childhood scars,

but do you have to be public about it?

Well, you'll have a great third act.

Sally in Paris trying to fulfill a woman's role.

Oh, she's fulfilling it, all right,

even by French standards. She's not married.

Eat.

Remember when Marge and I

spent hours dressing Sally in your clothes

so she could go on her first date

with that nice Princeton boy?

That's what you remember.

I remember that nice Princeton boy

tore the sleeve off my best dress.

It seems to me you have two plays here.

Your version and Angie's.

Why don't you collaborate?

Collaborate? I may sue.

Thanks a lot, Mother.

Do you know how many plays are copyrighted every year

in the Library of Congress?

Over 3000.

And do you know how many are produced on Broadway?

About 70.

So just figure those odds.

You and your Library of Congress.

Excuse me, I'm going to the powder room.

Well, gee, I was just trying to show you

what a long shot a play is.

Odds, long shots. What are you, a bookie?

Got it. It's green.

Thank you. Thank you.

Mrs. Champlain, it's a lovely party.

Thank you, Vicki.

Yeah, fabulous.

Angela, I'd like you to meet Vicki Grant and Robert DeMartin.

Angela Ballantine.

How do you do?

Ballantine. I know that name.

Well, Angela's Parker Ballantine's wife.

Oh, yes, of course.

Oh, look, there's Dion Kapakos.

That's him all right.

He's corralled his usual party quota, two girls.

Excuse me.

I amend that observation.

Three girls.

Who's Dion Kapakos?

You haven't heard of him?

He's a director, a new genius in the theater.

And an old genius with the ladies.

Oh, really?

Just about everybody here does something, don't they?

Just about.

S.P. says celebrities are only interested in themselves

and other celebrities.

I know. At least 10 people so far have asked me what I do.

I feel like I should hang a sign around my neck saying:

"Housewife. Here on a pass."

Don't let it throw you, Angela. I'm in the same boat.

All right, take it easy now. I think we got 'em on the run.

Oh, I love beating actors.

You should've been a critic.

Ha, ha. Sorry.

Not at all. How you doing?

Fine. The food looks great.

Yeah. I'm Dion Kapakos.

Yes, I know.

We met? No, we couldn't have. I would've remembered.

You know, I've been wondering, what do you do?

Do?

Yes. You look very bright.

What do you do?

Well, I'm sort of a writer.

A writer? That's marvelous.

Well, I don't know how marvelous.

Well, sure it is. What do you write?

Well, I'm... I'm writing a play.

That's great. I'd love to read it.

I don't know if it's ready to read yet.

Dion? Angie?

Barbara, Phil.

Gee, kids, sorry to hear about the play.

Yeah, we just posted the closing notice.

Well, I hope you have better luck with yours.

Her what?

Her play. Hadn't she told you about it?

Why, Angela.

Please, I'd rather not talk about it.

Well, it must be good.

Every bad writer I know talks his head off.

Yes, sir.

Say a few words.

Thank you.

Silence.

I just want to say

that our opponents played brilliantly.

Like to add anything, Parker?

Only that we played better.

Everyone come and have some food now.

Come on before it gets cold.

Parker, why didn't you tell me about Angela?

I think it's wonderful.

What's wonderful?

Well, the play, of course.

The play?

Oh, oh, the play. Oh, she told you about it?

No, actually I just overheard her talking about it.

What is this? You mean Angie has written a play?

That's right.

Well, I'd like to see it.

You've lost enough money this year, S.P.

Angie, I've just been talking to Parker,

and I know you must have a wonderful play.

Did he say that?

Well, not exactly. But he couldn't fool me.

I know he's trying to keep it under wraps.

He looked so annoyed when I mentioned the play.

Oh, he did?

Even made a joke about it.

Like it was nothing.

He did, did he?

Fun party, wasn't it?

Wasn't the food great?

Meet any interesting people?

You know, you talk too much.

And so with the World Series

a week away

let's take a look at the wild scramble going on

for the National League pennant.

Only two percentage points separate the two...

Oh, come on, honey, knock off that silent treatment.

I'm sorry about that crack I made to S.P.

I didn't mean anything by it, it was just a joke.

Uh-huh.

Don't I get more than "uh-huh"?

I was just thinking.

My thought for tonight is that you are beautiful.

Angela.

Angie?

Uh-huh.

You're dawdling.

Sleepy time.

I'll warm up your side of the bed, okay?

Angela?

Angela?

Hm.

You're next, madam.

Lady?

Here you are.

Don't forget the tip.

Hey, you didn't toast the bun.

Angie always does.

Well, she does.

I generally get an onion too.

Just eat, huh?

Hello? Yes.

Just a minute, please.

Will you tell Angie to answer the phone?

Angie, answer the telephone!

Why didn't I think of that?

Angie, telephone.

Who is it?

Who is it?

Who's calling, please?

S.P. Champlain.

S.P. Champlain.

Who? I'll get it.

The producer?

The producer?

I suppose it could've been S.P. Champlain the laundryman.

Is he gonna be Angie's producer?

Of what, one act?

What's in Variety?

Ivy's doing a musical.

Yeah, she called me for advice, but ignored it, of course.

I don't remember Ivy ever singing.

You're lucky.

Your cradle had hi-fi.

Guess what?

I give up.

S.P. Champlain's gonna produce your play.

No. No, but he wants to read it.

He thinks it's a great idea.

His last disaster was a great idea.

But don't let me discourage you, darling.

If you ever finish it, send it to him.

What do you mean if? I have finished it.

Done.

Complete. The end.

Gee, Angie, you've only been on it five weeks.

Well, William Shakespeare once wrote a play in five days.

Yeah, well, writing a play in five days is nothing.

Having it run five days is the trick.

Oh, now, Parker, stop that.

Anyway, I didn't tell Champlain that I finished it.

I want you to read it first.

Are you sure you want me to?

Well, you're the best critic in the whole apartment. Come on.

Wait a minute. I'm not sure I should read it.

Why not?

Well, I won't lie, Angie.

This isn't a flower arrangement or a hairdo or a rug.

I don't want you to lie,

and I don't think you'll have to.

I think you're in for a surprise.

I hope so. I do.

Well, you better get started.

Why don't you lie down right over here?

Yeah, I'd better lie down.

Sit way back.

Ah.

There.

Ah.

That's a pretty good title, Sisters Three.

Thank you.

Well...you go ahead.

Mm-hm.

I-I'll be very quiet.

Now what?

Nothing. I was just watching you.

I'm not a bird. I don't wanna be watched.

Well, I just thought I...

Well, I...

Out. Beat it.

Angie? Ah!

Shh.

Well, what's going on?

I was just listening to see if he liked it.

I dropped something.

How's it going?

Page 2 is how it's going.

If I stay around here,

it's gonna take me longer to read this thing

than it took you to write it.

How long sneaky squaw been hiding in bush?

I was just standing back there.

Did you finish it?

Angela, darling.

I'm looking for an affirmative beginning,

and I keep coming back to the title.

It's a good title, Angie.

But the play?

No, dear. No, I'm sorry.

The characters are sugar and spice and everything nice,

but that's not what people are made of,

not even girls.

The dialogue is...

Well, it's clumsy, Angie.

That's the only word for it, except maybe "pretentious"

where I think you were trying to be poetic.

And the structure,

well, there is none.

This isn't a play at all, honey.

It's just a fuzzy, inexact memory.

How was the typing?

I'm sorry, Angie.

I wish I could have said something else.

Do you?

Is that what you wish?

Angie baby, believe me...

Suddenly, I'm "Angie baby."

For five weeks you've been sticking pins in me,

and now I'm "Angie baby."

The play is no good, honey.

You asked me to read it, and I warned you I wouldn't lie.

Did you read it?

I don't think you read my play.

Now, wait a minute, what does that mean?

I think you read the play you were hoping I would write,

not the one I did write.

I think I could have put Hamlet in front of you

and all you would have seen would have been

one more mixed-up teenager with problems.

Now, listen to me.

I read your play objectively.

Objectively?

Yes, objectively.

That happens to be my business,

and I happen to be considered pretty good at it.

Well, not where I'm concerned, you're not.

You're just a self-satisfied male chauvinist

who thinks I should keep my head in a broom closet.

Not your head, but this play, yes.

It's a good play.

It's a tender, simple, touching drama.

It has heart, and it has warmth

and it has sweetness.

Oh, it has sweetness, all right.

You put that on-stage,

it'll decay every tooth for 10 miles around.

Well, that's one man's opinion.

Taxi.

Angie...

One man's biased, positive, prejudiced opinion.

It may interest you to know, Mr. Critic

that I wasn't even sure I wanted my play produced.

I mainly wanted to see if I could finish something.

Well, the Kitty Hawk is up in the air now

and you're standing on the ground,

still shouting, "It won't fly! It won't fly!"

Empire Theater building, please.

Ah, Mr. Ballantine, this way.

Eddie.

Parker. S.P.

Parker, you old clairvoyant.

Hello, Parker.

We were just this instant talking about you.

Now, come on, sit down.

Sit down.

Just for a second.

Actually, we were talking about Angela.

I read the play.

It certainly needs work.

Yeah, that's one thing you could say about it.

I'm not as enthusiastic about it as Margaret is.

You're not?

You are?

Oh, very.

It has the usual second-act weaknesses.

You got that far, huh?

Oh, I think it has a chance.

I'm gonna put it on.

You're what?

Angela's play?

You're joking.

About money, he doesn't joke.

Come on, you old fox.

You... You knew I'd produce it.

And I can see your fine Italian hand in this thing.

How much help did you give her, hm?

Me? Not a thing.

Nothing.

Well, you must have given her some advice.

Yes, I did. I did.

Oh, sit down. Let's have a celebration drink.

Waiter.

I might have one.

Yes, sir?

Scotch.

Uh...

A double.

Yes, sir.

Make it a double double.

Three girls enter,

stage left.

Carolyn holds up the ruined dress.

Curtain.

All right.

All right. Not bad.

Let's everybody break now.

And, uh, rehearsal, same time tomorrow.

And let everyone get here promptly, please.

Parker.

You.

Been here long?

Just a few minutes. I came to pick you up.

Parker, this is Dion Kapakos.

Ah.

Well, hello.

How are ya, sir? How are ya?

I've been wanting to meet you.

Same here, sir. Same here.

I saw you a couple of months ago at S.P.'s party,

and I almost introduced myself

but you were busy with a croquet mallet.

I wouldn't have known you.

Someone told me you had a beard.

Oh, I did, but it was just insecurity.

You know, one hit show, and out came the old razor.

Dion was my first choice for director.

I remembered all the wonderful things

you said about him last season.

You know, I wrote you a three-page letter, sir,

after that review of Oh, Doctor.

Well, I don't remember.

Oh, no, see, I tore it up. It was just too damn slushy.

You know, you're kind of like a father image for me.

Oh, no, I mean it.

It's true.

You see, I'm an arrogant brat

and you're just about the only critic alive

whose opinion I respect.

Well, thank you.

Uh, I'll get my notes. You two talk.

Heh. Mm.

Well, how are the rehearsals going?

Well, it's too early to know.

Listen, would you mind telling me

where you find a girl like that?

Beauty, sensitivity and modesty.

Random House, but they're out of stock.

She and I have got a lot of hard work ahead of us.

We open in Washington in just four weeks,

and then Boston and then we come back here for the opening,

December the 15th.

Say, tell me, do you really think Angie has a play there?

Not yet. I know this:

We're gonna have to rewrite it from the ground up,

but we'll fix it.

Personally, I think it's a job for Mandrake the Magician.

Uh-huh, Angie told me how you feel.

You, I would love to make a monkey out of.

Overthrow the father image.

Sort of.

Here are the notes I made, but they don't add up to much.

Well, every bit helps.

We gotta get right back to the roots of the play.

Remember, we have an opening night.

Shall we try that new Italian restaurant?

Yeah. Ah-ah.

Don't forget, we gotta work tonight.

Oh, I'm sorry, dear.

Do you mind going to the opening alone?

No, I guess not.

Maybe I'll take John. There's no school tomorrow.

That's good.

Where you working?

My place.

I have a sort of interesting trap

down on Bleecker Street.

It's in the phone book if you're the nervous type.

I'm not. She'll join you right after we have dinner.

It's a real pleasure to meet you, sir.

You can drop the "sir" if you like.

I missed the Civil War by a good five years.

Father image, huh?

I'll bet you saw a great play tonight.

Pow!

Yeah, how did you know?

Well, look at your old man.

He's in agony.

Say, where's Angie?

Oh, she's working tonight.

Oh? How's her new play coming?

Seen any of the rehearsals?

Yeah, a couple.

How'd it look?

Oh, I'm a kid. What do I know?

Oh.

That bad, huh?

You know, I'm afraid to ask you

what you're going to be when you grow up.

Hello, Joe.

Hi.

Hi, kid.

Hello, Mr. Rittenhouse.

Oh, hello, Parker, how do you...?

I feel fine. Fine. Just fine.

Well.

"Vital and glowing," huh?

Well, it was a good play.

Say, when Angie's play opens, are you gonna review it?

If it opens, you mean.

I think so. I'm not sure.

Would you tell the truth?

No, I'm gonna lie like I always do.

Don't get so...

What kind of a question is that,

am I gonna tell the truth?

You told the truth about Ivy's performance in Helen of Troy,

you remember?

Why don't you let someone else write the review?

Who? Him? Harvey Rittenhouse?

Well, he's not that bad.

Harvey Rittenhouse is a knucklehead

who sits in off-Broadway theaters

and dreams of being one of my pallbearers.

He reviewed Lady Godiva

and used three columns describing the horse.

He's just ass enough to give Angie a polite review.

Well, what if he does? What difference does it make?

Well, a spade ought to be called a spade.

Come on, John.

Wonderful little woman, Angie.

She'll make somebody a fine wife.

Ha, ha. Very funny.

Why don't you run down to the morgue

and have a good laugh?

You know, in June, when the season's dead,

we're gonna take Angie to Paris.

That's one thing she's always wanted.

She'll be able to see her sisters.

She's really been lonesome for 'em.

I'll switch my vacation around.

If I can't, I'll just take a leave of absence.

Dad?

What?

Do you really think you oughta review Angie's play?

Will you stop being such a worrier?

Eat your hot dog.

You mean you don't care

if you hurt Angie and make her angry?

Sure, I care.

Who do you think I am, Bluebeard?

John, listen,

if I lie about Angie's play, or if I try to get off the hook

by lettin' Harvey Rittenhouse cover it,

I'll lose my self-respect.

Maybe my self-respect sounds tiny compared to hurting Angie.

But if I start disliking myself,

I'm gonna start disliking the whole world, Angie included.

Never sell off a piece of yourself

just to avoid hurtin' someone.

The people who matter will understand and forgive.

The others? Well...they don't matter.

Boy, that's the biggest thing you've ever told me, isn't it?

You bet your life it is.

Except about sex, maybe.

Sex?

What's sex?

Mr. Daniel Craig.

Mr. Daniel Craig.

I got these for ya, for the plane.

Thank you, dear.

Good Housekeeping?

I think he's trying to tell you something.

Oh, dear, of all times for Dion to be late.

He gets two demerits

unless he brings a note from his scoutmaster.

Ah!

Oh, Dion, where've you been? I'm a nervous wreck.

Too swift arrives

as tardy as too slow.

He's a Method Romeo.

How oft when men are at the point of death.

Have they been merry!

Oh, don't mind me.

I get like this at this stage of the game.

It's all front. Underneath, I'm scared silly.

It's knees like water.

Ha, ha.

We haven't even left yet, and I'm worn out.

Oh, don't worry. I brought a good supply of Benzedrine.

Ah, there's that Johnny boy that was at the run-through.

How you doing, Johnny boy?

Fine.

Wonderful kid. I love kids.

We communicate.

With two tin cans and a long string?

John, if your father takes you to any of the openings,

you be sure and do your homework, you hear?

I hear.

If you don't happen to like whatever play it is,

you just sit there quietly, none of that groaning business.

...may now be boarded

at Gate 5. All aboard...

Darling,

take care.

Don't worry, I won't poison them.

Angie and I are coming back to town

with the best damn play you've ever seen.

Yeah? Who's in the briefcase, Tennessee Williams?

Aw, come on, Parker, wish me luck.

Well, I do. You know I do.

Come on. Come on, Angie. Let's go.

Goodbye, darling.

Goodbye, John. Be a good boy.

Angie, wait! Parker, her case.

Angie, here you go, honey.

Take good care of them for me.

Bye, kid!

Have a nice trip.

Bye-bye. Don't worry

about a thing, okay?

You know what I wish?

I wish you were on that plane with them.

Come on, John.

Don't wait for me. I'll bring the rolls right in.

I don't know about these peas, Dad.

They look like BB shot.

Eat.

It may not delight your taste buds,

but it'll keep you alive.

I'm not so sure.

She leaves us with the only woman in the world

who can make a meatball that weighs 300 pounds.

A thousand of these

would have turned the tide at Gettysburg.

You don't have to pretend it's good.

I'm not a cook, I never was.

I'm an interior decorator.

I'd hate to think what you're doing to mine.

I'll get your coffee.

Hey, where you going?

Downstairs.

I'm sharing TV dinners with Godfrey.

You think he'd mind if I came along?

I'll smuggle you up some.

Hurry, I'm sinkin' fast.

Where did John go?

He just remembered a previous dinner engagement.

Oh, Parker, I'm sorry.

It's been pretty bad, hasn't it?

No, you're doing the best you can, Charlie.

Actually, it brings back memories.

I haven't had food like this since the Army.

It's a plot to make you appreciate Angie

when she gets back.

How's she doing?

I don't know.

You mean you haven't called her?

She could've called me.

Oh, Parker.

Parker, may I give you some advice?

Charlie.

You know, it just occurred to me

why mothers-in-law are always lecturing

and pushing and giving advice to their sons-in-law.

It's because we know more, that's why.

I give up. What's the advice?

Why don't you run up to Boston to see Angie?

She must be going through a pretty rough time now.

Sort of... Sort of like having a baby.

She could use a little love and understanding.

Who couldn't?

Yes, sir?

Good morning.

Mrs. Ballantine's room number, please.

Angela Ballantine.

Oh, I am sorry, sir.

We don't give out room numbers.

Is she expecting you?

I thought I'd surprise her.

That's exactly the sort of thing we try to avoid.

Yeah, but I'm her husband, Mr. Ballantine.

Parker Ballantine?

Oh?

Would you please use the house phone?

Right over there.

You wanna listen in or is it bugged?

Operator.

Uh, Mrs. Ballantine, please.

One moment, please.

I'm sorry, sir, there's no answer in that room.

Oh, well, will you try Mr. Kapakos' room?

Dion Kapakos?

Mr. Kapakos has left word not to be disturbed

until Wednesday.

Wednesday?

Parker!

Parker, love.

What are you doing in Boston?

Well, hello, Ivy.

Oh, but this is heaven, running into you like this.

Everything's been so dull. How's John?

Oh, fine, fine. How's your show coming?

We folded last night. Died a horrible death.

Ah, I'm sorry.

That's horseracing, darling.

I hear Angela's play is in trouble too.

How about buying an out-of-work actress some breakfast?

Well, I just got here. I'm looking for Angela.

She's in 603.

I had the room right across from her.

This place has been a madhouse.

Especially on the sixth floor.

The goings-on, you wouldn't believe.

It's simply been a hotbed of activity.

I'll say one thing for Angela though:

She's been looking wonderfully radiant.

Well, she always does.

Come on, darling, you have time to buy me one cup of coffee.

Not me. I haven't finished paying for the last one yet.

Well, I better...

Oh, I miss you, Parker.

I miss you too.

On my masochistic days.

I'll see you.

Darling.

Darling?

Oh, Parker. Parker, old man.

Well, this is crazy.

Angie and I were just talking about you.

If you're looking for your bride,

she's next door in my room.

I came in here to shower

so I wouldn't disturb the kid.

Kid?

Angie.

Angela.

No, no. I gotta get some sleep.

Angie.

No, no.

We gotta stop now, Dion.

Angie.

Parker.

Oh, am I glad to see you.

Yeah. Sure.

You know there's a man in your shower?

Oh, and do I need coffee.

Oh.

What man?

Kapakos.

Oh, I know. It's just been awful.

Dion is just inexhaustible.

Oh, he is, is he?

We were at it all last night.

He makes me write and rewrite

and rewrite the rewrites.

I'm so groggy I can't see.

Come on, let's go back to your room

and chase that faun out of the shower.

Then I'll order breakfast.

Oh, Park, we're in such trouble.

Well, why don't you just chuck it and come home?

Oh, I couldn't.

I feel we're so close.

If... Hiya.

I'll see you in a couple of minutes, Angie.

Uh, we'll have another whack at it.

It's my turn.

Angie?

Now, just a minute.

Have you talked to him about it yet?

No, not yet.

Why not?

Well, it...

Well... Mind hanging this

on the door as you go out?

We got something we wanna talk to you about.

Later. Do you mind?

Frankly, we're in trouble.

Washington was a disaster

and it didn't go so well here last night.

But we're getting close.

We're getting close.

Well, good. Goodbye.

You see, the trouble is,

Champlain has got "producer-itis."

Pfft.

He's trying to bully us into using a new third act.

Something he dreamed up himself.

Can you believe that?

Oh, it's awful. It's cornball.

I think it's the third act

of Bertha, the Sewing Machine Girl.

Use it, it's sure-fire.

Parker, we want you to see the show tonight.

Yeah. You'll be able

to put your finger on what's wrong.

We'll take any suggestions you make.

We really need you, old man.

I'm sorry, I can't do it.

Why not?

I just can't.

You have to. It's desperation time.

If I contribute something to the play,

how can I review it?

It's gonna be hard enough to be impersonal as it is.

How can you re...?

You're going to review it?

Yes, I am.

I talked it over with Joe Rosenfield,

and I'm going to.

But that's not fair.

You read the play, and you hated it.

We assumed you would disqualify yourself.

I'm sorry, I'm a vampire.

Nothing disqualifies me but a stake through the heart.

Damn it, she's your wife.

No, she isn't, not on opening night.

You're a playwright, I'm a critic.

Let's both do our work as well as we can

and shake hands before and after.

Surgeons do not operate on their wives.

I'm not gonna operate, Angie.

I'm gonna look at a play and write an opinion on it.

Can't you forget you're a critic

a couple of days and give us a hand?

No, I can't.

No, not he.

He never forgets he's a critic.

Not even on his wedding night.

Angie.

You know what he did?

The morning after we were married,

I woke up, he was in the shower,

there was a note pinned on the pillow next to me.

Do you know what it said?

"A memorable evening. Parker Ballantine."

It was a joke. You laughed for five minutes.

Will you get out of here and leave us alone?

All right, all right.

I'll be waiting in my room, Angela.

Come on, Angie,

let's just forget it for now, huh?

You have been sitting in judgment on me

night and day ever since we were married.

And now, you're gonna step on my play.

The one thing I've done.

The one thing I've accomplished.

And you're gonna grind it

under that critical heel of yours.

Angie, listen...

I remember every word you said:

You'll never get a producer.

You'll never get a director.

A critic is supposed to point up, not down, you...

You hatchet man.

You'll never get into rehearsal.

You'll never get out of town.

Well, I did get out of town, and I wish you were.

Angie.

Angela, just please listen.

I've gotta review your play,

and I've gotta review it truthfully.

It's a question of keeping my self-respect.

Well, keep your self-respect.

I don't want it.

Just... Just quit hijacking mine.

Captain W.F. Turner.

Captain W.F. Turner.

Please come to the information counter.

Parker!

Hey. Oh, pardon me.

I was going down, but I've gotta go up.

Will you...? Will you...? I'm... I'm... I'm sorry.

I... I-I'm sorry.

I'm going cross-town, really.

I'm sorry, I'm going this way.

Now I know how a salmon feels.

Oh, Parker, don't tell me we were on the same plane?

Looks that way. I came back tourist.

I wasn't very hungry.

And I was alone

when I could have had you all alone.

Find my bags for me, will you, darling?

And buy me a drink.

All right, just a quick one.

Thank you, sweet.

You just saved the life of your son's mother.

Yeah, I should be decorated.

I see it didn't take you long to find out

what was happening in Boston.

Oh!

Oh, Parker, darling, your poor back.

A porter! Somebody, help!

Anybody!

Oh, love.

There. That's the spot.

Ohhh.

Ah, my poor baby.

Still have the same old back trouble.

Does that feel better, darling?

A little higher, please.

Ohhh.

You know, Parker,

you really were awfully sweet to me.

I didn't deserve you.

You didn't.

A little more to the right, please.

Oh, that's heaven.

Ohhh.

You know, I've been thinking, Parker.

I was sort of a rat.

But even at my rattiest,

I never did what she's doing to you.

What are you talking about?

Oh, Parker, don't pretend with me.

After all, I did stay at the same hotel with them.

Ivy, what are you trying to say?

Something that's not easy to say.

Try a simple, declarative sentence.

Well, Dion is the subject,

and Angela is the object.

The verb is...

Ridiculous.

They were just working together, rewriting.

What's so unusual

about a playwright and a director doing that?

Long after they were done with their rewriting,

they were spending whole nights together

in her room.

They were overheard not saying anything.

Ivy, you got a mind like a police blotter.

Forget it.

Why would I lie to you?

I mean, I don't pretend to have unselfish motives, darling.

I want you back.

I want you back

more than I ever wanted anything in the world,

but I wouldn't lie about that.

Ivy, I think you better go.

Hey, Dad's back.

John!

Oh, John, darling.

Ha, ha.

My, how you've grown.

Oh, give Mother a kiss.

Do you know that it's been months

since I've seen you?

But you're getting so big.

What have you been feeding him?

Oh, we don't feed him.

Angie grabs one end,

I grab the other, and we pull.

I'm Charlotte Orr.

Oh, I'm sorry, Charlie.

This is Ivy London.

Ivy, Charlotte Orr, Angela's mother.

Charlotte Orr?

The decorator?

Yes.

Uh, is your show coming in, Ivy?

No, lamb, it's gone out. Way out.

Your father was right. I should have listened to him.

My, oh, my, oh, my.

At least we achieved one good thing between us,

didn't we, Parker?

Yes, he's all right, I guess.

Come along, dear.

Let's scoot upstairs and start your homework.

Goodbye, my darling.

It's been wonderful seeing you.

Oh, and John...

This summer, we're definitely going to spend a week

at Lake, uh, Whatever-it-is.

It's been a pleasure meeting you, Miss London.

My pleasure, Mrs. Orr.

I never miss any of your performances.

It's heartwarming to see

that your vivacity isn't merely stagecraft.

And your beauty is more than makeup and amber lights.

She hates me.

What are you talking about?

That was the nicest speech anyone ever made to you.

It was in code.

You pick out every other word,

and you get the real message.

I still love you, Parker.

I will always love you.

Ancestors of mine have died in institutions.

Oh, and, uh, don't worry about Angela and Dion, darling.

You're probably right.

Come in.

Aw, Dad, the show just started.

Won't be over for an hour.

All right.

What are you looking at?

What's the name of it?

I wonder where they'll hide the bodies.

I think he wants to see my father.

He's in his office.

Oh, he is?

Well, I might as well say hello to him

as long as I'm down here.

Come in.

Oh, Mr. Ballantine, this is an unexpected pleasure.

Nice to see you.

Why...? Oh, am I disturbing you?

No, of course not.

Just checking my bank statements.

Well, I just thought I'd drop down

to see how the boys are doing.

Well, I'm glad you did. Oh, oh, sit down.

Sit down, Mr. Ballantine. Sit down.

Well, doctor, how's the play coming?

Excellent. I've been wanting to talk to you about it.

Uh, I know it's a little outside my field, but I...

I think it's gonna surprise you.

Fine, I'd like to read it sometime.

Oh, fine, I'll give it to you before you leave.

Oh, fine.

Now, is there anything else you wanna talk to me about?

Oh, not really.

Nothing really.

Sure?

Well, it's just that I have this friend.

A friend?

An old friend.

A married man.

At the moment.

Yes?

Oh, doc, I hardly know where to begin.

Just anything that comes into your friend's mind.

Oh.

Oh, yes.

Well, this married man has a wife.

Yes?

Who has a friend.

Yes?

Thing is, there's a younger man in the picture.

A sort of a Don Juan type, a troublemaker.

Keeps referring to my friend as a father image.

Yes?

I suppose it all sounds childish, doctor,

but this is deeply disturbing to my friend.

The whole thing is absurd,

of course, I just...

They have a good marriage,

in spite of this quarrel they've had, and...

Somehow, I don't feel as though

I'm getting through to you, doctor.

Yes?

And worst of all is this dream.

Actually, it's more of a nightmare, doctor.

And when I say nightmare, I mean a pajama-soaker.

See, my friend is in this plane flying over the mountains,

and the stewardess comes around with cocktails

and his wife's name is on the napkins.

Suddenly, everybody's ugly drunk,

and they come at me...

They come at him with knives and forks and...

And... And all because he told the truth.

Yes?

And the pilot comes out, taps him on the shoulder,

and tells him the plane's overweight

and one passenger has to jump.

Then comes the big drop. Falling, falling, falling.

And my friend reaches up

and grabs the tail end of the plane

and he hangs on.

And they throw knives and forks out the window.

And the napkins are floatin' by

with his wife's names on them.

And he reaches up, and he hangs on.

Hangs on, but the younger man steps out

and steps on his fingers.

And the plane keeps pulling away, doctor.

Then the pilot comes out and he looks down.

The pilot has one eye with contact lenses.

Just one lens. A big lens, doctor.

Boy, look at that.

Makes you proud, doesn't it?

Gee, there's certainly been a big change in you

since you talked to Godfrey's father.

That's had nothing to do with it.

It's just that it's immature to feel threatened

simply because Angie's written a play.

But I am immature.

And I keep on thinking about all those TV dinners.

Angie'll get over her peeve.

And remember,

not one word to her about our surprise.

It's not really their fault.

I've just been too lenient with them.

That's been my mistake.

Hello, Mr. Ballantine.

Hi.

They're having a final run-through.

It should be just about over.

Well, thanks, Joe.

Well, it's too late now.

What are you girls doing up there?

Nothing, Mother.

Okay, kids.

Just play it the same way at the opening tonight.

Good luck. Don't worry about a thing.

I'll see you all at 7.

All right, now. Relax.

Hiya, Parker.

Hi.

Hi, darling.

Hello.

Hi, John.

We decided to come down and pick you up.

That was good of you.

How's the rehearsal?

All right.

I need to lie down for a while.

Butterflies in your stomach?

Butterflies, bats, bees, birds.

There's a lifetime supply of telegrams

on your dressing table.

Oh, did Sally or Marge cable?

I don't know. I didn't open them.

I made a dinner reservation for us at 6:30.

I'm sorry. I won't be able to make it.

Dion's coming by for me at 6.

There's some things we have to go over.

You know what I've decided?

I've decided to wear my new dinner jacket

for the occasion.

For me?

For little old, worthless me?

You're gonna put on that great big, painful dinner jacket

with the heavy lead collar

and all those steel spikes in the lining?

Now, Angie...

Oh, I declare, Mr. Parker,

you keep on this way,

you're just gonna spoil me rotten.

Good evening, Mrs. Ballantine.

Good evening.

Mr. Ballantine.

It's Angie! Angie!

Sally!

How are you?

Marge!

You look great.

You look wonderful.

I'm gonna cry.

You cut your hair.

I'm gonna cry.

It's the cutest thing.

Silly little sister.

It's so wonderful to see you.

Listen, what's this

about a play?

Ohhh!

Silly sister.

You're quite a guy, Parker.

Wonderful.

What about this play here?

I'm doing a play.

Hiya, Johnny boy. How you doing?

Just great.

Angie ready yet?

She'll be right down.

Well, tell her to hurry, will ya?

I'm double-parked.

You are?

Hey, there's a cop.

Where? Where?

At the police station.

You're a real funny kid, aren't you?

I get a yuk once in a while.

Hello.

Hi. Hey, you better

get a move on, John.

You'll be late.

Martini?

That's fine.

Agh.

You always drink before an opening?

Only when I'm expecting a snakebite.

You're an interesting guy, Parker.

I've been doing some thinking about you.

About me?

I didn't think you'd have time with your tight schedule.

You comfy?

Yeah, thanks.

Cheers.

Mud in your eye.

You ever been through analysis?

Not all of me.

Oh, seriously, old man, look at the facts.

You slammed Ivy London with a brutal review,

didn't you?

Now you're all set to give Angie the very same treatment.

It seems to me you've got a pretty deep hostility

toward the women you marry.

Do I get to look at some inkblots or is that it?

Oh, come on, now, don't be defensive.

I'm in analysis myself.

It's done me a lot of good.

Oh, man, I was aggressive, destructive,

a compulsive braggart.

Self, self, self. That's all I ever thought about.

And that was before analysis?

But it's different in Paris, Charlie.

No different in Paris than it is anywhere else.

Uh, well.

Yes.

This is Dion Kapakos.

Sally Orr, Marge Orr, Angela's sisters.

You know Charlie. Dion directed the play.

How charming.

This family puts the Gabors to shame.

Isn't he adorable?

Adorable.

I'll try and hurry Angela.

I just love men who are intense.

They're so convincing.

You must come to Paris.

First time I ever wanted to kiss a playwright.

Dion's waiting.

I know.

Parker?

Yeah?

You're not still planning on covering the opening, are you?

You know I am.

I don't want you to.

I want you to call the paper

and let Harvey Rittenhouse cover it.

Harvey Rittenhouse.

All he can cover is a seat.

That's where his talent is.

I don't want you to review my play.

I'm sorry, Angie, I have to.

All right.

And you can go right on calling it a lead balloon,

and saying it will decay teeth, but I'm through.

Angela.

You're under a terrific strain, and you're saying things.

I am not saying things. You said so yourself.

I'm a playwright and you're a critic,

and that's all.

And if you wanna come gunning for me

with that poisonous review you've been dreaming up

ever since I began my play,

well, just go ahead.

Now, wait a minute, Angie.

I've overlooked a lot of things since you started this play,

including gossip about you and Dion in Boston.

Since when does a critic ask questions

about a playwright's personal affairs?

Now, don't start playing games with me, Angie.

I'm not playing games.

Do you think you can throw away one half of me

and still cross-examine the other half?

I'm not cross-examining you.

I am one person,

and you disowned me.

And I think it's a little late for you to start wondering

if anything happened between Dion and me.

I'll tell you one thing, Parker Ballantine.

Dion believes in me.

He treats me as an equal, an adult.

He doesn't act patronizing and make fun of me.

Dion happens to love me.

In six weeks, I took the winner

of the Women's National Broad Jump Finals

and turned her into a Broadway star.

Angie.

Angie, I'm your husband.

Tonight, I don't have a husband.

You made the rules.

There's just one thing I'd like to know.

When does opening night end?

At midnight? At 2? At 6:00 in the morning? When?

Because after the show, Dion's taking me home.

And I'd just like to know where I stand

and whose house I should go home to.

Well?

You win.

Leave these tickets at the box office

in Harvey's name.

I'll call the paper.

One of those tickets was for John.

I have a ticket for John.

I have one for you too.

Right next to Mom and Sally and Marge.

Just leave one for John. I'm not going.

Well, if that's the way you want it.

It isn't.

Nothing's the way I want it.

You really mean you're not going at all?

That's right.

Well, what finally got through that thick head of yours?

Just one of those steel balls they use to demolish buildings.

Parker.

I made dinner a reservation at the Chateau Renault

right across from the theater.

Take John, will you?

You're gonna meet us at the theater?

No, I'm not going to the theater.

Charlie has a ticket for you.

Who's gonna cover the show?

All the other critics.

Don't worry. Justice will be done.

Well, who's gonna cover it for our paper?

I don't know.

Come along, John.

You're stuck with me and those crazy aunts of yours.

Well, why aren't you going?

Because I'm not feeling well. Now, go on with Charlie.

Well, you said as long as you were living

you'd never let Harvey...

I'm not going because Angie doesn't want me to go.

Now, get out of here, will you?

It's almost 6:30.

You said sometimes you had to hurt people.

Charlie.

You said you'd hurt them more if you lost your self-respect.

Charlie, will ya get him outta here?

That was the most important thing ya ever told me,

all that about self-respect.

Well, I'm sorry. I changed my mind.

John.

You said you would never sell out...

Will you stop telling me what I said?

Well, come on to the theater.

Just get out.

I'm sorry, John.

Just please go on with Charlie.

I don't care if you don't go to the theater.

I don't care if you never go anyplace.

I don't care if stay right here and lock the door and stay

until you're dead.

Stay with him.

Thought you'd never get here.

What are you trying to do? Drown your troubles?

Nah, I'm just teaching 'em how to swim.

Say, friend, why don't you go home,

get yourself some dinner?

Haven't got a home. How do you like that?

Sad, friend, sad.

You're right.

You're making these a little thin too.

Let me use your phone.

Ivy?

Ivy, you're a rat.

You're also a louse and several other small animals.

I just wanted to tell you that before I got nasty.

Who is it?

It's your old ex, Parker.

Parker Ballantine. That's who it is.

I've been miserable, Ivy.

Hey, Ivy.

What are you doing?

If I came over,

would you say funny things and rub my back?

Ivy.

Ivy rat.

I've been thinking it over about your last performance.

It was a beautiful performance, Ivy.

Just beautiful.

I'm a dog,

and you've been like a mother to me.

Mmm.

Sure, I'll come over.

On the back of a large bluebird.

Mmm.

So you're Parker Ballantine.

Why, yes.

You know, speaking of rats...

I used to be an actor

until you reviewed a play I was in.

Now, look at me.

Oh, I'm sorry, old man.

Keep the change.

Stick it in your pocket.

Does my heart good to see ya so miserable.

Hello, dear.

Hi.

Hello. Hello.

You look pale.

It's just my makeup, opening-night green.

She's a little shaky now,

but when that old curtain goes up

she'll be as calm as a mountain lake.

Hey, Frank.

You're not the only one with the flutters.

How can you do a thing like this to me?

Angie, who would believe it? Our story on Broadway.

John, are you all right?

I'm okay.

He hardly touched his supper.

Maybe he's coming down with something.

Oh, John's all right.

Why don't you all go down to your seats.

I'll join you in a minute.

All right.

Good luck, Angie.

Thank you.

Run along, darling.

Why don't you call him?

Why should I?

Because you're his wife.

When we left, he looked pretty sick.

He could have come to the play.

Angie, you're being very childish about this.

Well, from where I sit,

I'm not the only one in the playpen.

Look at that Champlain. Nothing bothers him.

He must have nerves of steel.

I wonder how much longer I'd live

if I never attended any opening nights.

How you doing, Angie?

Great.

Please, no food. Not while I'm drinking.

Just drink sitting up for a while.

It looks nicer.

Ah.

Appearances count for nothing with us alcoholics.

What time is it?

Twenty-five to 8.

At 8:00, the curtain goes up

revealing on-stage an egg the size of a zeppelin.

Forget it, darling.

And at this moment, backstage...

Dion Kapakos, boy rat, is feeding pep and optimism

to his hardy band of tomorrow's unemployed

while Angela's being sick in the powder room.

Hey, I broke the mainspring.

Symbolism.

I cannot stand symbolism.

Oh, Parker.

Don't worry.

Just the old watch my father left me on his deathbed.

My poor baby.

She really hurt you, didn't she?

Yeah.

Taking your tickets from you

and trying to lock you out of the theater.

Who does she think she is?

Oh, Parker, I love you.

Now, you said you'd come up here and rub my back.

Yes, yes. Turn over, darling.

Yeah, okay, okay.

Easy now. I'm a wounded veteran.

Buy a poppy, sir?

What kind of a life can you have with her now?

Can you ever stand up to her again?

Put her in her place?

Higher.

No, I can't.

I guess I can't, not after tonight.

She's finished the marriage completely.

It's done. Kaput.

It is. It's true, it is.

Everything.

John, Angie, me.

I said I'd never sell out, but she scared me

and I did sell out.

Kaput. Finished.

I'm glad she's done it, my darling.

I'll make things right for you. And for John too.

I'm a new Ivy, Parker. You'll see I am.

Oh, Parker, love.

Ivy. Ivy.

Ivy, I gotta get to that theater.

What?

I gotta get to that theater.

See the show and beat Harvey back to the office

and write my review.

I gotta get... Parker.

This is the drunkenest room I've ever been in.

You can't go to the theater. It's too late.

I have to. It's the only way.

It's 10 of 8. You'd never make it.

Curtain never goes up until 10 after. Never does.

They announce 8:00,

but it never goes up until 10 after.

They're liars, all of them.

I got 20 minutes.

Cab up 8th Avenue, cross 46th Street.

Make it in plenty of time.

You're drunk, Parker.

Ten more drinks and I'll still be a better critic

than Harvey Rottenhouse.

Oh, look at you.

You can't go to the theater in this condition.

You're pie-eyed.

Actors can act when they're drunk.

Playwrights can playwright when they're drunk, can't they?

I say a critic can critic when he's drunk.

I... Shoes.

I must wear shoes.

Never go to the theater without them.

Nobody ever does that.

Ah, there they...

It walked on me.

Now, where's that other little devil?

I had two. It was a set.

Gotta have shoes.

I won't let you do this. I won't.

Ivy, help me find that other shoe

or I'll dissect you.

Put you in suitcases and ship you to New Haven,

Boston, Philadelphia and Washington.

All right, review the play. Good. Go ahead.

You'll blow the marriage into tiny little pieces. Good.

The sooner the better.

Well, I'll come that bridge when I cross it.

I can't let everything be ruined without a fight.

Thinks because she's a playwright,

I have to stop being a critic.

Thinks she's gonna scare me.

Thinks that I'm afraid to stand up for my rights.

To 46th Street. Charge.

Parker.

Parker, please. Please stop, Parker.

Apartment's all uphill.

Parker, look at you. People will see you.

They won't believe it's me.

Parker, listen. Parker?

Uh, going down.

Ladies' lingerie, ladies' negligee, and, uh...

Parker.

Everybody going down.

Parker!

One moment, my good man. My shoe.

Easy, easy. You been drinking or something?

You said you was in a hurry, Mac.

Yeah, but I'd just like to be there

when we get where I'm going.

We got 'em.

I'm going backstage.

Oh, S.P.

Relax.

It's going fine.

So am I. Oh, excuse me.

Are we in orbit?

Keep it. You can't tell where you'll come down.

Curtain's up, Mr. Ballantine.

Oh, fine.

It's the only way to see a play.

Good evening, Mr. Ballantine.

Hi.

That's all right. I'll take it, baby.

That's been my mistake.

Your mistake was not sending

them all to an orphanage.

All right, Harvey. Good night.

I was assigned to cover this play, Ballantine.

Up, up, old man, you're in my seat.

Shh! You're creating a disturbance.

Shh...

Come on, go play in the lobby. Come on.

I'm sorry, sir.

I think my leg is broken.

I'll get you an aspirin.

Never mind, I'll get it myself.

Shh!

Maybe we better let the drapes

go with the flow.

Who's he? Some drunk.

You're too dirty. I'm quitting.

You can't quit.

What would I do without you?

'Scuse me.

Miss, I'd work for you

the rest of my life.

But those three daughters of yours are too much.

Better pick this one. It's ripe.

This seat is taken.

Oh, I'm sorry.

He must be a short little fella.

...marry you after an evening

with those three monsters?

One way.

Mr. Prescott was

very fond of them.

"Was" is right.

Then Margaret's monkey descended on him...

Sorry.

...and we lost another prospect.

You lost, chum?

...out of town

on business Wednesday.

Will I be allowed

to keep a gun in my room?

Now, you know they're

basically nice girls.

I suppose you're right.

Of course I am.

Still, I wonder why

that psychiatrist wouldn't...

I feel better now.

I don't.

I think I just saw Parker going up into the balcony.

Parker in the balcony? Don't be ridiculous.

I find the situation

terribly embarrassing.

Thank you.

You can't sit here, sir.

Thank you. I'm very comfortable.

Do you have a seat, sir?

There's a rat sitting in it. Big long rat.

Take that seat down there, sir.

Please, sir.

I hate to disturb anybody.

Please, sir.

Have a seat.

I'm so very sorry.

It's all right. This way, please.

She just pushed me, that's all.

Everybody.

Get him up and put him

in the seat.

Shh. There's a show going on.

I got it.

Pull him up.

What's going on up there?

Teenagers, probably.

John, dear, please turn that thing off

and go to bed.

It's after 1:00.

I wanna wait up for Angie.

You have to go to school tomorrow,

and you need your sleep.

I can sleep during civics.

Where is he?

All right, where is he hiding?

Are those the reviews?

Well, where is he?

Who? Parker?

He reviewed the play.

No kidding.

He slashed it.

Cut it to ribbons.

But he didn't even go to the theater.

Oh, but he did. Champlain was right.

He did see him crawling up into the balcony.

Listen to this:

"Opening night report by Parker Ballantine.

"I think it's time for all us Transylvanian peasants

"to pick up our torches

"and march menacingly up to that castle on the hill

because Dr. Frankenstein is making monsters again."

Marge, get me a drink.

"This time, he's attached the arms and legs of Agamemnon

"to the torso of Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm.

"S.P. Champlain has led the creature

"over to the 46th Street Theater

"where it stumbled around for a few minutes

and fell over dead."

How does it feel to be the son of Dracula?

Hey, there's more.

"Just for the record,

"Sisters Three was written by Angela Ballantine

directed by Dion Kapakos, and produced by mistake."

Dion, help me get my bag, will you?

You're sure you don't want me to go up with you?

No, thanks, Joe.

Well, uh, if there's a knifing, call Foley.

He'll be on the desk.

Have him stand by.

"Several actors were involved.

"The only thing they can do

is change their names and start over again."

This one says, "Periods of tedium."

Well, that doesn't sound very complimentary.

Well, maybe the other reviews aren't very good,

but his is the crusher. We'll be lucky if we last till Saturday.

Mother, I'm only taking a few things tonight.

Tomorrow, pack up everything.

And I'll let you know where to send it.

Where do you think you're going?

You can't leave.

I don't wanna hear one word.

Not a single word. He knew how I felt.

And to think he gave me his ticket.

Don't go, Angie, please.

I'm sorry, John.

When you're older you'll understand much more

about the man-woman relationship.

If you're really leaving Parker,

I'd like to have him.

After me, dear.

I'm between husbands right now.

Anyway, I think he's the cutest, the brightest,

the most unselfish man I've ever met.

Unselfish. He's an opinionated sneak.

Well, he sent us the plane tickets.

That's how sneaky he is.

He knew how much you wanted to see us.

He what?

He did?

He did.

Come on, Angie, let's get going.

Dad.

Gee, those were all new ones.

Well, do I get a cigarette before you shoot?

I'm not shooting. I'm leaving.

With me.

John, I want you to do me a favor.

What?

I want you to go upstairs,

get into your pajamas and get into bed.

But Angie, she's leaving us.

Now, you stop worrying.

Come on, up you go.

Will everything be all right?

Trust me.

Well, I guess the well-bred thing to do

at this point is to leave.

Those two were all I had left to brag about...

now that I'm losing my figure.

Aren't you supposed to be under the bed?

You're on my side.

Angie,

you keep asking to be treated like an adult,

then act like one.

Stop running. You're not 15 anymore.

I have a few things to say to my wife. Do you mind?

We read what you had to say.

Listen to me, Angie.

When you decided to write a play,

I poked fun at you.

I heckled and behaved like a grade-A crumb.

You said I hijacked your self-respect

and you were right.

For that, I most humbly beg your forgiveness.

When do you bring on the violins?

I'll bring on a whole symphony if I have to.

But I cannot nor will not apologize

for writing that review.

To my mind, Sisters Three is exactly the monster

I said it was.

I've done my job, my readers have been warned.

So live with your readers.

I may have heckled you

because I assumed you'd chosen the wrong work to do.

But I never tried to lock you out of your workroom.

Tonight, you tried to lock me out of mine.

Well, hello. Hello. Saw your light was still on.

Just had to stop by and tell you

how much we enjoyed the play tonight.

Well.

Thank you, doctor.

Is John still up?

Oh, no. It's a little late. We've got to get to bed.

Good night, Mrs. Ballantine.

Thanks for dropping by.

You've made my evening complete.

Just enjoyed the play.

Had to tell you. Come along, Godfrey.

Thank you.

Angie, believe me, if you try to write another play

I won't throw spitballs.

And the next time you ask for help, I'll give it.

Because I belong on your team.

That dawned on me

about 30 seconds ago.

I'm not gonna let you do this.

You'll sit here and darn his socks

and weave rugs and have a dozen babies.

You'll never write another play.

I will if I want to.

I can do anything if I want to. Anything.

Angie, I love you, and I need you.

John loves you and needs you too.

Don't you, John?

Yes.

Please stay, Angie.

Boy, oh, boy.

Sure, he talks big about helping you,

but wait till you get out the old typewriter...

Dion...

this is your father image speaking.

Beat it.

I wanna tell you...

I said, get out.

I'll be waiting in the car, Angie.

If it's a compact, you'll never get your head in.

You, to bed.

And you?

A warm, vibrant and

thoroughly satisfying evening.

The most delightful conception of the entire season.

Parker Ballantine.

Parker.

Angie!

Angie!

Parker.

Angie!

Angie!

Parker. Oh, Parker, what happened?

Angie.

What's the matter? Oh, your back. Not again.

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