Original subtitles

"Worst shirt ever."

I concur. [he sighs]

"Check out the ego on this one."

You may have a point, anonymous poster.

"I hate this guy. I'm so glad he'll die alone."

"I'm so glad he'll die alone"?

[he sighs]

[Ingrid] Agatha?

I can see you, Agatha.

Oh, Ingrid! Oh, gosh, I was really hoping to chat to you.

Did you know that it was Julian inside the Big Bear suit?

No, no, I thought you signed off on the casting process.

No, but we both know that you signed off

-on the casting process. -Oh!

OK, ah, so neither of us knew. OK, OK.

Cost-cutting measure, hmm?

A bold reimagining of the casting process, yes?

-Agatha. -Ah.

Ingrid is not happy. You might need to talk her down.

Ah...

Uh... Ah. Oh.

You know, that might be a bit of an understatement, Julian.

Oh.

Do you know, I think my time at Twee TV is done.

-Oh, no. -Agatha.

-Ingrid. Ingrid. -It's been...

-So wonderful. -..weird.

Won...

Oh.

[whispers] I'll talk to her.

Ingrid. Ingrid!

You do not get to "Ingrid" me any more.

-You said you needed a Big Bear. -You have corrupted him.

I can't look at Big Bear without seeing you,

rotting, at his core.

OK, yeah. Guilty as charged. I elevated my own material.

-Dare I say it... -Don't you dare say it.

..that is the mark of a great actor.

Yes, you are.

You are a great actor.

Excuse me.

Oh, good luck with the show.

Ingrid...

Maybe there's no way back for me and Ingrid.

Maybe I've killed Big Bear and my marriage in one fell swoop.

I'm sorry, Julian. It's gonna feel pretty rough.

Perhaps there's a world where I, you know,

settle here in Canberra with my new family.

Well, if you do that, you're gonna wanna get your own place

as soon as possible, yeah?

Yeah, in time. Oh, er, sorry, do me a favour.

Erm...

[he sniffs]

Yeah, put these out of their misery.

Oh, sure.

-Excited, Julian? -Absolutely.

-Sorry, what for, sorry? -Oh, it's Thunder Thursday.

So it is. Also, what's Thunder Thursday?

Well, it's only the greatest day

in the history of Canberra sports.

There's a humungous cricket match,

Matildas playing in the afternoon, plus golf,

and I don't even need to tell you

about the footy final later.

-Oh! -So... you want to join me?

I'll dip in and out, Bill, yeah.

Dip in and out? No, no, no.

Thunder Thursday is an all-day commitment.

What's that for?

Oh, necessary relief.

We won't be moving from our seats for ten hours.

But don't worry, I'll find you a pitcher.

One here somewhere.

Getting ready for Thunder Thursday, Grandad?

Yeah.

Just don't give Dad my Dr Doom bottle.

Yeah, I will not be requiring an empty bottle, Bill,

Marvel-themed or otherwise.

The transport groups have been warning

about this day for months.

All the sports fans, coupled with major roadworks -

it's a recipe for public transport bedlam.

There you go. Three litres of good times.

Just so you all know, I'm having a terrible morning.

Really, sweetheart? What happened?

I can't stop thinking about the comments under my videos.

Oh, love, you never read the comments.

It's taught me a lesson.

I've been unpleasant and arrogant.

That's why I blew it with Haley.

Greta made you like that, love.

Greta's gone. She's banished from the Austin realm.

And from now on, I strive to be a better person.

Well, it is a long road to enlightenment, or so I'm told.

I don't like to waste time, Dad.

I'd prefer to get it all done by about mid-afternoon.

Can you help?

He can't do that, Austin, lad. It's Thunder Thursday.

I've brought all these beers and...

I'll dip in and out, Bill.

-Come on, Austin, let's go. -Yes!

-Excuse me. -Oh...

Agatha? This is my home. How did you get in?

Back gate was unlocked. Very unsafe.

-You... are luminous. -We're doing this, are we?

-Oh, Agatha, you look radiant. -Do I?

It's almost as if you've been feasting on the blood

of a younger, weaker producer.

Have you come to try and get me to change my mind?

Cos it's a complete waste of time.

No. God, no. Never. No.

Is that a lie?

No, I deeply respect your decision.

Do you actually?

Yes, the sheer courage it must have taken

to walk away from something so wildly profitable...

It's inspiring.

Do you mean that?

-You're a monk. -What?

You're like a monk who's shed all their earthly possessions

and just wanders off into the mist,

leaving the rest of the monastery unemployed.

It's very monkish.

Agatha, are we telling the truth now?

Yes.

Then in that case, cards on the table,

I do feel hideously guilty about putting you out of a job.

And Haley and all the other people in the office

whose names I never quite learned.

-And I'm truly sorry. -Oh, no, it's OK.

Oh, gosh, I almost forgot.

We got a letter this morning. Um...

Mm. Oh, OK.

Yeah, it's from some little kid.

Mm-hm.

-Actually, it doesn't matter. -What?

It's from a kid, it does matter.

You know how hard it is for those guys to write?

-Yes. -Yeah.

Ah, OK.

"Hi, my name is Sammy,

and I'm seven years old, and I live in a hospital.

"Mum and Dad say I... I'll get better,

"but I see their faces after they've spoken to the doctor."

Are you sure you wanna hear this?

"But I heard that my favourite book

is going to be a TV series.

"I just had to say thank you for making Big Bear real.

"I can't..."

Good God, what have I done?

"I can't wait to watch Big Bear's Adventures,

"as will other key demographics..."

Is that what it says?

-Yes. "I'm so happy..." -Let me see it.

-"..that the network is so..." -Network?

"Key partners in the streaming...?"

Oh, my God. It's just...

"Enhanced brand story that I'm helming... helming..."

-Beautiful. It's beautiful. -Agatha!

No child writes like this. You've written this!

-There's smart... -You've made up...

-..and sick children... -You've lied about a sick child.

-..everywhere. -Agatha, you need help.

I have help.

You need a lot more help than you are getting.

Listen, I'm not just leaving the show,

I'm leaving Australia right now.

[Erin] Minister?

You need to sign off on this by the end of today.

What? Yes, absolutely.

Which, uh... Which bit?

The Trans-Pacific Subcommittee Steering Group.

I've mentioned it five times.

I am 200% focused.

Remind me which bit we're talking about again.

Remind me which bit you're 200% focused on.

Oh, well, all of it, obviously.

The... The subcommittee, the Pacific, the steering.

Minister, you have to forget about that woman.

She has a name, Erin, OK? It's Mel.

And she's just one of 26 million Australians,

all of whom would really love it

if you could please just stop staring out the window

like a widowed sea captain

and just approve the wording of Paragraph 5E.

Yes, yes. The job always comes first.

Doesn't it, though?

"The party shall, on request of a party,

"review the operation of this interim agreement

"so as to consider any amendment to the previous agreement..."

-Do you think I should text her? -Sure.

I'll let the Treasury know.

[Julian] OK, I'm gonna do this professionally, all right?

So I'm not gonna say "one",

I'm just gonna go "three, two..."

And then you start, all right? All set?

I think so.

Would you like to critique my outfit? Greta used to.

Oh, I don't know, mate. You're wearing, you know, some clothes.

-Er... Shall we? -Yeah.

OK, three, two...

[mouthing] I'm not gonna say one.

Who put that dingbat on the team? Pack of clowns!

-Bill! -What?

You're gonna have to keep it down

cos I'm just trying to video Austin.

I have to show the world

that I'm sorry and I'm doing the work.

It's Thunder Thursday. Emotions take hold.

I have an idea.

If something exciting happens in the next few minutes,

write down what you would have said,

then after we're done, you can shout it out.

Yeah, that could work.

Three, two...

[mouthing] I'm not gonna say one.

Hello, my name is Austin. I'm an author.

Well, I used to be one.

I've been rude to some of you recently, and I'm very sorry.

If I didn't sign your book when I was meant to,

I'll come to you to sign it, anywhere in the world.

[he mouths]

Anywhere in the Australian Capital Territory.

And if I wronged you in some other way,

I will do one of the following:

walk your dog, lend you a paperback

from my extensive collection of science fiction,

or give you a foot rub.

[he mouths]

Not give you a foot rub. Thank you.

Please like me.

Fantastic. Absolutely perfect in every way.

We should edit out "please like me".

Yeah, 100%. Oh, one thing.

Oh, yeah, you said you "used to be" an author.

I no longer wish to suckle from fame's teat.

You can shout now, Grandad.

"You beauties!

"You idiots! You blind?"

Something else, but I can't read my own writing.

I've made the video,

and I've just done a direct debit to charity.

I declare myself redeemed. Now to win over Haley.

That may take a teensy bit longer.

Wrong answer.

I don't like to waste time.

I know just where we need to go now.

Ah, Julian, my bottle's nearly full already.

I may have to go into your one.

I'll... I'll leave space for you.

Hang on, Austin, I'm coming with you.

I love you so much. I miss you so much.

I don't want to do a single other day without you.

And you're totally sure about this, Mum?

Florence, whatever is flying to the UK tonight,

I'm gonna be on it. I don't care how much it...

Holy shit, how much? OK, maybe tomorrow.

Well, I can't wait to see you, Mum.

And, erm, yeah,

any damage at home isn't because I've been renting out rooms, OK?

Hey, Flo...

Your mummy is a dummy. I'm so stupid.

You remember I said that I'd street cast

the perfect Big Bear?

Well, guess who it was? Your dad!

Well, Dad's DNA is in that bear.

Yeah, well, it is now.

Suit's full of his sweat.

And this is a man who sweats to excess in Stockholm.

When he gets to Australia,

it's like he sweats like a cheap chicken.

I'm like, "Julian, can you stop that? It's disgusting!"

You're angry, aren't you, Mum?

Am I angry?

Yes, I am angry, Florence. You're very perceptive.

Do you ever think that maybe it's not Dad you're angry at?

Oh, don't say that. Remember, you only got a C in Psychology,

and that was after a lot of very expensive private tuition.

Maybe the person you're really angry at is you.

And you said it.

That is gobsmacking. I am gobsmacked.

You say you want nothing more to do with Dad,

but you still talk about him all the time.

That's cos he won't leave me alone.

Or because you don't want to admit to yourself

that you still have deep feelings for him.

Mum, it's you against your pride.

I shouldn't talk to you about your father.

It's terrible parenting. I'm booking this flight.

What? It's gone up while I was talking to you.

Even the airline app thinks I'm a fool.

[text alert]

It's Ingrid. She wants to meet this afternoon.

No "love". No "kiss, kiss".

This is the beginning of the formal process.

Or maybe it's good news.

I know that's highly unlikely,

but I'm being upbeat for your sake.

Oh, I think it's obvious.

You know, we're gonna get the big D.

-I don't think so. -You don't?

You last ate from the same kitchen

more than 24 hours ago,

and for both of you to get it would be a freakish coincidence.

Ah, I see. Yeah. The, er...

The big D I'm talking about is, um... It's not diarrhoea.

Oh, right! Divorce.

I'm sorry, Dad.

Can I take your mind off it by talking about myself?

Yeah, do you know what? That'll actually help.

I'm thinking about a grand gesture to win over Haley.

OK, well, don't hide a diamond ring in food.

No-one wants to get engaged via a choking hazard.

-It's fine, Dad. -And don't learn the ukulele.

Don't stand outside her flat in the pouring rain,

holding a speaker playing her favourite song,

because, statistically speaking,

her favourite song is not what you think it is.

Dad...

No monologues, no orchestras. Do not learn the ukulele.

You've already told me that.

Yeah, that's cos it's really critical.

It's OK, Dad. I've already got something else in mind.

Excuse me, sir -

whose name badge informs me it's James.

I've got cash and a plan.

Come on!

Grandad, which of these shirts

would be better for me to meet Haley in?

This one or this one?

Uh... That one.

You didn't even turn around to look.

Thunder Thursday's approaching its peak, Austin.

Cricket, golf and soccer all underway

and footy about to start soon.

My... My body's nearly 80% Twisties.

[doorbell rings]

I hope you're satisfied.

-Erin, are you... are you drunk? -No. Are you?

-Here we go. -[Erin groans]

-That'll make you feel better. -Thank you.

This was all part of your plan, wasn't it?

What plan?

The Minister is resigning from public office today.

Why?

Cos you didn't wanna be a politician's partner.

What? He's leaving his job for me?

Well, that's true love, that is.

Of course, such a big sacrifice

is gonna poison the whole relationship in the end,

and everything will collapse.

Mum, why did you really split up with Minister Keeds?

I'd like to hear the truth this time.

I thought that if he gets to the top, which he might,

bad people would scrape our entire lives

looking for anything to use against him.

And I didn't want anybody doing that to you, Austin.

I've already been trolled, Mum, and it doesn't scare me now.

I'm big enough to look after myself.

I've been trying to tell you that the whole time.

I guess you are.

Look, we can't let the Minister quit his job. That's just crazy.

This really wasn't part of your plan?

No. We have to stop him.

OK, um, he's called a press conference for 3pm.

-I can't get through. -Nor me.

We need to get to the conference before he does something stupid.

You want to get across town? On Thunder Thursday? No chance.

It's the worst day for traffic in the history of Canberra.

-I'll never get there. -Yes, you will, Mum.

You have a son that's armed with in-depth knowledge

of Canberra's public transport system.

And I assure you that I will get you there by any means possible.

I believe you, Austin.

Slight caveat - we can't leave immediately

because there's something I have to do first.

-Oh, hey, Austin. -Haley, may I be honest?

Yeah, I'd prefer it.

I spent a large chunk of my book earnings

organising a romantic gesture in this cafe.

-For me? -Yes.

Those three baristas,

plus all the customers in here, are not real.

On my coded signal, they were going to launch

into a carefully choreographed pastiche with props.

I knew it was weird that the baristas weren't making coffee.

Correct.

When the pastiche started, I was going to look confused at first,

then feign surprise,

and then punctuate the end with a flourish.

And at that point,

you would have realised that I wasn't just

a stunned bystander,

but the mastermind behind the whole thing.

Mm. Pastiches are tricky to pull off.

I can see that now.

But, anyway, I have more pressing matters to attend to.

I need to get my mother to central Canberra by 3pm

via mass transit only.

Not just her happiness,

but the entire course of Australian history

depends on this very outcome. Farewell.

How will you make it when the 57B's on diversion

and the T1 tram's on a skeleton service?

I had no idea that you knew so much about public transport.

-Never asked. -Well, I'm asking you now.

Haley, will you help me, please?

That wasn't the signal!

Hurry up, Mum!

It leaves the stop in seven seconds.

Six, five, four, three, two, one.

Thank God for car-free bus lanes.

That's crucial civic infrastructure.

We're... We're going the wrong way.

Most routes around the parliamentary

triangle are in gridlock.

We'll have to travel outward first

to circumvent that particular issue.

I mean, I'd suggest therapy,

but I'm not sure your Big Blue arse would fit in the chair.

OK. I mean, I deceived you by being both a man and a bear,

but if you think about it, you know,

if you really analyse the data,

I mean, you were two-timing me.

I mean, with me.

Julian, I just can't think through the ethics of it.

It just makes me feel dizzy.

I just feel like I'm trapped in one of those salad spinner rides

at the fairground, you know,

and I'm pasted to the side, and I can't move,

and it's been going on for about four years,

and I think I'm gonna be sick.

You, Big Blue, lied to me.

OK, maybe it wasn't my best idea.

What, maybe?

It definitely wasn't my best idea.

And the thing is that, in spite of the ridiculousness,

it does actually...

It does actually really hurt.

I do feel completely humiliated. And...

I think that's maybe partly to do with the fact

that I'm the last person to know, yet again.

I was trying to help. You do know that, don't you?

But after I had begged you not to.

That... Since Austin, that's what it's felt like.

I think I wanna get off.

OK.

Well, yeah, maybe it's time we, you know,

picked up a stick of candy floss and...

A balloon?

A balloon, yeah,

and we take our big, blue teddy bear that we've won

and walk out the fairground forever.

Take a moment.

we head straight Sointo town on the, um...ge,

-47B. -About time.

Wait a minute. We're running 23 seconds late.

Oh, but if we miss that connection,

there won't be another one for another 20 minutes.

No, that's too late.

Hey, Austin.

Are you and Ingrid anywhere near the transit interchange?

Yeah. Yeah, I can see it from here. Why?

[they pant]

Sorry! I know you wanted to get to the match, but, erm...

We just need to, er, hold the bus here for a minute.

Ah, it is an emergency.

Yeah, because some things are more important than football,

am I right, ladies?

Erm... I don't think we're winning them over.

Er... Thunder Thursday! Yay!

[they cheer]

-We're here, Ingrid! -Oh, come in!

Come on, come on, come on. Yeah!

We're here!

-Go, go, go, go, go! -God save the King.

So... you went to all that trouble at the cafe,

just to drop it all to help your mum?

I had to.

That's good of you, Austin.

See, that's the guy I thought I saw when we first met.

Oh, I saw your video. Why would you stop writing?

-You're so good at it. -Fame is not good for me.

Austin, you're not real famous.

You're travel memoir famous.

Hey, excuse me! Does anyone know who this guy is?

-[all] No. Nah. -Point taken.

Still, it's a shame that you never got

to see my romantic gesture.

It's OK. I would much rather be doing this.

Thank you, everyone.

It has been the greatest privilege

of my life to serve this nation

in public office these last seven years.

Ah...

Uh... Uh...

And I am grateful for the many opportunities I have had

to represent our country on the world stage.

And that is why I am going to, um...

..continue in the role, as normal.

What?

That's the announcement. Thank you very much.

[Haley clapping]

That's it? We were promised a scoop.

-You cut that fine. -I like to live dangerously.

Oh, we did it, Austin!

-Ah, young love, eh? -Yep.

Pizza's up!

Haley, how are your parents doing

on that farm in the Hunter Valley?

They dug that well they got permission for?

Yeah, they did, thank you. How does he know that?

It's what he does.

We have some great times ahead of us, don't we, Mum?

I'm really pleased you'll get

to have full intercourse with Minister Keeds in Paris.

I really wouldn't have put it that way, Austin, but thank you.

I'm happy you've fixed things with Haley.

We have a lot in common. She may even be the one.

Wow. One step at a time, though.

-I may ask her to marry me. -Definitely too soon for that.

You're right.

But neither of us like to waste time,

so we've decided to move in together.

When are you thinking of doing that?

Today.

I'm going in.

-[Haley chuckles] -[Austin clears throat]

Ooh! Cheers. [Haley chuckles]

[Ingrid] Agatha! Great news! Big Bear is back on.

We'll sort it out, we'll sort i all out when I get back

from visiting my daughter in England.

It's going to be great, Agatha! Agatha?

That's great. Can't wait to get the band back together.

[she laughs weakly]

Oh, sh...

Haley! Oh... Fire! Oh.

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