All language subtitles for Austin s02e07.eng

-Hello.
-Hello.

-Do you have...?
-Your book, am I right?

An Autistic Guide to Britain.

By Austin Hogan.

Yes, we've got it in two spots,

Local Authors
and So-Called Diverse.

How many do you want?

I'm pleased you stock it,

but I haven't come to buy
that particular book.

Do you happen to have anything
on the subject of love?

All right, who sent you?

-No-one.
-Was it my mother?

I'm here of my own volition.

Then why are you asking me
about love?

I'm seeking a guide to love and
how to win the heart of another.

It's a path that I haven't
really travelled well,

and I fear
may have caused upset.

Are you OK?

No. [sniffs]

Not since 2017.

Melissa Blythe,
roller derby captain

and destroyer of my heart.

I'm sensing a wound
that's yet to heal.

Six months of bliss, and then
not even an Auf Wiedersehen.

She just skated off
into the distance

on her dusty,
pink double-wheelers.

Turns out some people

are really funny
about swastikas on crockery.

Tell me about it.

I vowed in that moment,
never again.

-Fiction or non-fiction?
-Non-fiction.

Well, it's all fiction,
isn't it?

Cos love is a lie.

Follow me.

All right, we've got
gardening produce,

gardening produce, feelings,
feel-ups and fun times.

Guide to romance. How-to books.

Dating.

Oh.

Mastering The Romantic Comedy.

-Perfect.
-Is it, though?

"All rom-coms begin with
two lovable leads

"who meet under unusual,

humorous,
or cute circumstances."

Hmm.

[Australian accent]
Oh, no, Snowy,

you've got your claw stuck
in that net.

-Let me help you.
-OK, that's great.

And now I'm going to add
the dramatic complication.

You want to rescue Snowy,
but you also... need the toilet.

-Love it.
-Yeah.

Oh, Snowy, let me help you.

-Oh, I need a wee!
-That's it.

This is the essence of Big Bear,
OK? I want you to bottle that.

We're going to go back
to scene one,

from the very beginning,

and bring
that wonderful Big Bear energy.

Great. That is so great.

I'm loving...

We'll just hold it there
a tickety boo.

Ingrid, could I, um...?

Two minutes, guys.

This is my rehearsal room,
and that's deeply disrespectful.

-I'm not feeling it at all.
-Oh, are you made of stone?

-Crabs.
-What?

And clams.

I mean, do we really want
to tie ourselves to crustaceans?

Crabs are non-negotiable.

Is there a Logie in crustaceans?

I don't know what that is.

I don't think so. I am so bored.

Oh!

And if I'm bored,
then the kids are gonna be...

eating through the furniture.
Know what I'm saying?

Agatha, this isn't even a scene
about a crab.

This is a scene about love.
It's about how you can't always

put others' needs
before your own

or you may have an accident.

I don't know
what Big Bear wants.

What Big Bear wants, Agatha,
is to go to the toilet.

I think it conforms beautifully

to Aristotelian
three-act structure.

-Mm.
-Wow, that is great.

That's so great and wonderful,

but this is really more
of a top-tier chat,

so we'll just...

No, that is interesting, because
Big Bear goes to the toilet

and he learns about the toilet,
and about himself.

It's archetypal.

Yeah, Snowy the Crab
is the Virgil

to Big Bear's Dante,

leading him through
the hell of toilet training.

Onto the paradise of brand new,

big blue,
big boy, Big Bear pants.

-See?
-Yeah.

Yeah, I didn't see that.

I just saw a bear miming
wetting his pants, so...

Yeah,
I was miming holding it in.

There's a difference.

-It wasn't clear.
-Yeah, well, look, we do...

The co-creators do not do
excretion comedy.

I mean, at least, so far
as I understand.

Yeah, OK, OK.
I'm just gonna... I'm just...

Hey, I'm just spit-balling,
spit-balling.

What if... there was a murder?

Sorry, did you say murder?

That way, we'd hook
the audience in straight away,

and there'd be
one less puppeteer to pay.

Sorry.

Agatha, you're not
a story person, are you?

No, not a story person, but I do
think that it raises the stakes.

Yeah, well, this Big Bear

believes in what we're doing,
hm?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Big Bear, he's blue
And he's brave...

-You know the song.
-Are we really singing now?

Big Bear is gonna have a parade

Big Bear doesn't...

[Big Bear huffs]

Are you OK? Oh, my word.

-I suddenly feel very hot.
-It's... It's...

It's your fur.

I know it's faux,
but it feels so real.

Boss,
could I take a short break?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yes, be free.

[whispers] Oh, God, Ingrid,
control yourself.

It's a family show.

[sighs]

You've had your nose in that
for an hour.

-What is it?
-A guide to romantic comedies.

Haley and I have already done
Chapter 1, The Meet Cute.

I need to get to Chapter 10,
Happy Resolution,

while somehow missing out
All Is Lost

and Long Dark Night Of The Soul.

I decided that those chapters
are optional.

Mel,
you should have had that book

when you were dating
the Foreign Minister.

Yes, why'd you split up
with the minister, Mum?

He's handsome,
successful, and charming -

all the things
people say they want.

Too good to be true.

No, the reason was...

..sometimes,
things just aren't meant to be.

Very profound
and also incredibly vague.

It's the best
you'll get out of her.

Don't give up, Mum.
There's hope for us all.

Maybe you're heroine type C,

"mature lady who finds love

"just after she gives up
on the whole rotten business."

Austin's right. There's
plenty more fish in the sea.

Actually, it's estimated that
over 90% of global marine stocks

are now fully exploited
or overfished.

A more modern analogy
would be something like,

"plenty more chickens
at the mega-farm."

Marnus - lover of Haley
and overrated franchises.

[both sigh]

-How's your love life?
-Difficult. How about you?

Oh, pretty good, yeah.

I'm sleeping on a camp bed
in my son's bedroom,

my wife's kicked me
out of my Airbnb

and replaced me
with a pile of paper,

and she seems to be
falling in love with someone

and that someone
just happens to be, um...

Yeah, no complaints.

Do you want some tips from this?

It has a lot to say
about how humans create

and sustain
romantic relationships.

Ay-ay-ay! Austin, you don't want
a manual for your love life.

Just be yourself.

Is it really as easy as that?

Yeah, you know,
you follow someone else's rules,

it's like wearing a mask,
isn't it?

It's like trying to be
someone or something that you...

Yeah, second thought,
stick with the book.

What does
it say you should do next?

It says that the male lead

often gets the female lead's
number and gives her a call.

-Sounds about right.
-Incorrect.

You can tell that this book
wasn't written

by someone from my generation -
we never make phone calls.

If I phoned Haley, she'd assume
it was either a pocket dial

or news of a fatality.

So message her instead.

You know, impress her
with your wit and wordsmithery.

And no sexting.

I'll do that,

without ever saying
"wordsmithery",

and certainly no sexting.

She replied.

Told you.

Well, that's a bust.

Do not be disheartened,
mon fils.

Want to know a secret?

I asked your mother out
ten times before she said yes.

15!

And I only agreed then because
I was both drunk and bored.

Mum, have you been listening
to our conversation?

No, no, she hasn't,
and nor have I.

Austin, if you do any sexting,

you're gonna be
in so much trouble.

I'm a grown man, Mum!
But there will be zero sexting.

I'm quite partial
to a nude myself,

although you have to work up
to it, is what I'm saying.

Start with a leg, and then...

All right, Dad. Dad!

[both sigh]

-May I?
-Oh, yeah.

Tea, please, would be amazing.

Shall I give you
a hand with that?

Sorry, could you? Yeah, thanks.

At least you tried,
just like Big Bear would.

-OK.
-That's for you.

Can I just say how much
I respect the fact

that you stay in the Big Bear
costume all the time,

even in the tea break?

Well, when I'm Big Bear,
I like to stay Big Bear.

When I'm on set, I only eat
berries and trail mix.

-There you go.
-Thank you.

I don't want to weird you out,
but I just...

I so value our connection.

It just feels so... special.

Do you believe in soul mates?

Wow. [chuckles]

That is a big swing
from trail mix.

Yeah, I mean, I...
I don't believe in...

Well, actually, I've always
believed in soul mates.

I thought I'd married
my soul mate, actually,

but it turned out I confused
soul mate with egomaniac.

That's understandable.

Is this guy...? Is he bad-bad,
or just a bit of a plonker?

Probably
just a bit of a plonker.

-Mm.
-Wouldn't want to hurt him.

Well, we bears value loyalty,

unless someone
is a total dickhead.

But a plonker...
well, sometimes,

a plonker
deserves a second chance.

OK!

-Hi, Agatha.
-Let's get back to it, shall we?

Spit-spot.

Haley, you're very quiet today.
What's the matter?

I erm...
I broke up with my boyfriend,

so I'm just trying to figure out

when to give him back
his Star Trek memorabilia.

Oh, oh, exciting.

Well, you can't "Klingon"
after the love is gone, can you?

[Ingrid and Bear chuckle]

Oh, yes. Ha.

Why did you split up
with Marnus?

-Was he too much "Tribble"?
-Oh.

[Ingrid and Bear chuckle]

Better to be a Sulu player.

[Ingrid laughs]

No? OK.

Oh, we've discussed this,
Austin.

Men who read alone in cafes

do not look complex
and alluring.

They look like members

of a cheap Notting Hill
re-enactment society.

Hola, Greta.
I've been expecting you.

What is it?

Mastering The Romantic Comedy?

-That's not in my plan.
-Is that so?

Well, I don't follow
your plans any more.

There's no easier way to say
this Greta, but I'm leaving you.

What, do you mean me-me,
or agency me?

There never really was a me-me.
But I was your wife.

Were you? We were never married.

-Your work wife.
-Is that even a thing?

Yeah, it's a thing.
And it meant something to me.

Yeah, well,
my quest for connection

has led me to the ultimate
love paradigm, which is this.

As much as I appreciate the fact
that you taught me

a lot about self confidence,

ultimately,
you have been a negative,

chaotic influence on my life.

Yeah, fine. I don't need you.

Ha! I could make anyone here
into a star.

Her. Him.

-Hm?
-Maybe not him.

Yeah,
I'll look out for your books

in the bargain bins, Austin.

And I want custody
of the YouTube channel.

-And I'm taking this.
-What?

[sighs]

[mutters] Two, three...

[clears throat]

-Ah.
-Hi.

Foreign Minister Keeds requests
two boxes of staples

and a ream of high gloss A4.

On it.

No need to wait. Tell him
I'll bring him up myself.

Unless he wants to come down,
like he usually does.

Oh,
I think he'd rather keep things

clean and professional
from now on.

He doesn't need to fetch
his own stationery.

Of course.

You know,
he's a reasonable and fair man.

Which is why he'll make
a great leader. Yes!

-Yeah.
-[they chuckle]

[ringing tone]

-[Heidi] Ingrid.
-Hi.

-Hi.
-I'm sorry I missed your call.

I thought I'd give you a call
and see how it's going.

Oh, it's going quite well now.

But Heidi, can I ask you
a bit of a sensitive question?

Yeah, of course.
I'm a very sensitive woman.

Do you remember when we went out

for that rather drunken
lunch in Soho,

and you told me you had, I can't
remember what you called it,

but was it a furries phase?

Yes, I... I recall.

Just a glorious few months,
really.

It's a whole sensory thing,
that fuzz.

How do you know
if it's kind of... your thing?

Did you ever fancy Simba
from The Lion King?

The child lion?

No, late teens.

I mean, it's hard to tell,

but he was definitely legal
in lion years.

I'm pretty sure about that.

But hey, Agatha tells me

that you have finally found
a lead actor.

Yeah, we have, our new Big Bear
is just extraordinary.

He has the most
incredible touch.

He emanates a kind of feral
energy and smells of the woods.

You fancy Big Bear, don't you?

No! Heidi! Don't be ludicrous.

That would be like fancying
my own child,

which is not allowed, is it?

Because I created Big Bear...

with a small amount
of input from Julian.

But visually, Big Bear is mine.

Well look, Ingrid, we both know
it's only fur-deep,

so, you know,
who's the actor underneath?

I mean, who is he,
or she, or they?

It's later in life.
You know, branch out.

It's a he.

And I don't know.
He never takes the suit off.

Well,
you're gonna need to find out

for the sake of your sanity,

and for the red-blooded woman
underneath there.

10% blue blood,
but, yeah, I am aware.

Be fulfilled, Ingrid, you know?

Julian has always held you back,

and I don't want to speak ill

of the professionally
dead and all that,

but... are you not, erm...?

I mean, maybe you're not
properly done with Julian.

I've got to go, actually, Heidi,
because I'm a boss now,

and I've got lots of people

depending on my opinion
about stuff.

Great.

[whispers] Who are you?

Dad?

Austin, what are you doing here?

Delivering these chilled drinks
for Haley. She said it was hot.

And judging from your extremely
moist appearance,

I can sense that there's some
kind of issue with the AC unit.

Well, that is
a very kind gesture, yeah.

But Haley doesn't want
to meet with me,

so it is kind but futile.

I'm sorry, mate. Is this
something from your book?

Has it gleaned
any other pearls of wisdom?

There can't be a relationship
without vulnerability,

and you need an eccentric
best friend for comic relief.

Big Bear?

Erm... yeah, look,

I can't help you
with the vulnerability,

but how's this
for eccentric best friend work?

See the light through
yonder production office breaks.

Thy true love "splitteth" up
with Marnus,

and now is thy "chanth".

Uh-oh.

This means that my kind gesture
will make her look like

I'm taking advantage.

She'll think I'm leaping on her
unhappiness with these drinks.

No, no, no, no.
Don't overthink this.

You know, just go
and put them on her desk.

-Do you ever overthink things?
-Sometimes.

And then sometimes,

I don't think things through
quite enough.

Yeah, clearly.

[message alert]

So it did work!

[straining]

That's it, Snowy Crab!

Whether you've got paws
or claws, keeping fit is fun!

[Bear grunting]

Ow! [English accent] Shit!

[Australian accent]
Sorry, everyone.

Not a very Big Bear word.

I seem to have lost my head.

[chuckles] Do you want a hand?

[grunts]

I think it's the Velcro.
I'll see if I can fix it.

Oh, it's just round there.

-I got this.
-Oh, no, you...

-No, I'd...
-I went to art school.

I'm very practical.

Are you OK?

I can't get
this bloody thing on right.

Oh.

[he grunts]

[she grunts]

[both sigh]

I think
that might need a stitch.

Do you want
to take off the costume?

I can't. Not with you here.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Yes, of course,

there's rules about
this kind of thing for a reason.

Boundaries.
Me Too was terribly one-sided.

-It's not that.
-No, but I... I am...

I am much more powerful than you
in this situation,

and I would not want
to abuse that.

I should... I should
really go somewhere else.

No, no, no.

As the exec in this situation,
I will leave.

Really,
it should be me who leaves.

No, no, don't be silly.

I'm leaving.

I've left.

Ugh!

Rargh!

Dad?

[gasps] Wha...?

What are you doing here?

You might as well
leave that off, Dad.

OK. What will it take, hmm?
Money? Our house?

-You know, name your price.
-For what?

-To not tell Ingrid!
-But you're deceiving her.

I am fully and constantly aware
of that fact, Austin.

-So you must confess.
-I can't!

-Why not?
-Because it'll be the end of us.

She'll go ballistic!

Well, you can't be
in that costume forever.

-You're not Big Bear.
-Yes, I am.

Big Bear is my creation,

with a small amount
of input from Ingrid.

Have you seen what's happening
out there on that floor, Austin?

It is electric!

When I'm him, I'm more me
than I am when I'm me!

That is very theatrical, Dad,
even for you.

[Bear accent] Deal with it!

See, that is my problem with
multiverse-based franchises,

because when somebody dies,
it doesn't really matter.

Because they can just bring in

a spare one
from another dimension.

Yes, exactly. I mean, don't even
get me started on Spiderman.

-There's too many Spidermen.
-And Batmen, or Batmans.

Hey, Android Voice,

create a reminder
for a correct plural of Batman.

Done.

I suppose you're wondering

why I asked you
to join me for a beverage?

Erm... I guess
so we all can stay hydrated?

Not just that.
I like you as a person, Haley.

-I like you as a person, Austin.
-Thanks.

I was wondering if you'd like
to embark

on a romantic journey with me,

given that you're now free

of the corrosive influence
of Marnus.

That sounded bitter.
Forget that I said that.

[chuckling] That's OK.

Erm...

I don't know,
it feels kind of soon.

Erm...

I find you very attractive,

so I'd like to move
the conversation forward

to establishing parameters.

OK. Erm... What do you mean?

You probably have life goals

beyond being
a production assistant, right?

And it would be reassuring
for me to know about them.

I'm a public figure
who is hungry for success.

I'm very driven.

You deserve honesty,

so you may have to cope
with me being away a lot.

Right. And you don't think
that I'm driven?

Rom-coms are often based
on unlikely matches,

like Lady And The Tramp.

Sorry, wrong way round.

Anyway, you can't really help
who you fall in love with.

I think you can.

Have I made a faux pas?

I actually thought
that you had changed, Austin.

I have!

I'm saying I still want you

despite
all the inconvenient things.

Oh, those inconvenient things,

like my lowly career
and my lack of life goals?

I really didn't mean
to offend you, Haley.

Please,
allow me to rephrase my offer.

I think you were pretty clear
just then, Austin.

It's all about what you want
and what you need.

It sounds like you're following

some kind of
weird life-love plan.

So, when were you gonna ask me
about me about me?

Or is that not in your book?

See you later, Austin.

Please, Haley, don't go!

It's the wrong moment.

We're on stage five,
Kooky Dating!

Perhaps Odin was right.

Love is a lie.

[squelch]

Should've recycled that,
or charity-shopped it.

No. I refuse to give up on love.

[heavy breathing]

It's heaven, spending time
with you on this fake beach.

When I'm with you,
it feels so very real.

It feels like we've known each
other since forever, doesn't it?

You just feel so familiar to me.

The way you move.

The way you anticipate me.

You back me,

and... I trust you completely.

I mean, how many people
have that in their lifetime?

That's rare.
That is... That is special.

We're so in tune, I feel
like you can read my mind.

I'm just reading the scripts.

A very bloody good script.

Tell me I'm not mad.

You aren't mad.

Oh.

-Can you feel that?
-Not really.

-Can you feel that?
-Yes.

-Can you feel that?
-Oh, yes.

If you want me, bear,
I am yours.

I refuse to feel guilty
or ashamed anymore.

Love is love.

[both moan softly]

[moaning intensifies]

What the hell?!

Julian?

I can explain.

Actually, no, I really can't.

What did you think
was going to happen?

Well, I mean, I thought

we could have
worked around the bear suit.

You know, I mean, it would have
been an erotic challenge,

but I was game.

[retches]
I think I'm gonna be sick.

Look on the bright side.

This proves
you're still in love with me.

Or does it prove that you are
an egotistical pig,

determined to make yourself

the centre
of every single situation?

Well, both can be true, dear.

Oh, God, I think I hate you!

Argh!

Help!

Help!

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