Original subtitles

Hi, this is Austin.

Would you care to escort me

to a restaurant of your choosing?

Just bear in mind,

I don't like spicy food or intrusive background music.

No, no.

Hm...

Do you like riverboat cruises?

Hey, do you like fun? Oh, come on, who says that?!

I would like to build you a glass palace deep in a forest

and away from prying human eyes.

Nah, that's too creepy.

Hey, this is Austin.

I was wondering if you might like to go to dinner with me.

Yep, that is the one.

Wouldn't you say, Mrs Sprinkles?

Hi, Heidi.

I've been thinking about this, erm, TV adaptation.

They don't want Julian involved,

and, obviously, I'm devastated about that.

But I was just thinking, you know, on the other hand,

what is it actually to do with him?

I mean, it's a visual medium, and I am the visual.

I am the business when it comes to the business.

I am the Wizz Fizz.

While I appreciate that you're the "Viz Wizz",

he's a 50% rights holder,

so we need to get his signature on this.

Yeah, but that's absolutely no problem,

because I have been doing that for years.

He hasn't signed a birthday card since 2007.

Well, this is a bit different.

He's not gonna forget handing over international TV rights.

You know, you need to get his agreement.

-Do I, though? -Really.

Bollocks.

-Hey, Julian? -Mm.

Julian, I've been thinking about this TV adaptation.

I think it would be so amazing if we could make it happen.

-What time is it? -Quarter to eight.

The curtains are very thin in the studio.

-Do you want a cup of tea? -Mm, yeah, love one.

I left some water in the kettle.

So, did you hear what I was saying?

I just think this TV adaptation,

I think we should do it.

Oh, no, I think that'd be selling Big Bear

down the river, don't you?

I mean, we've always said

we could never do justice to the magic

of your illustrations with live action.

Yeah, but I've just got this gut feeling that this time,

maybe we could.

You're kidding me, aren't you? It's a man in a furry suit.

Yeah, OK, I get you,

but I do think we need to be pragmatic, Julian.

I mean, Florence is gonna want a deposit on a flat soon,

and the front of the house needs repointing.

My highlights aren't cheap,

and I really, really want a puppy.

[he sighs] OK. Yeah, I'll consider it.

[he urinates]

And, hey...

[he pauses briefly]

..if you've got any plans for this evening,

I suggest you cancel them.

Why?

Because I have booked us a restaurant.

-Oh? What's this in aid of? -Romance.

I mean, if we're gonna... you know,

we need to spend some time together.

Just you and me, good food, candlelight, wine flowing...

Actually, can you stop urinating

while I'm trying to reignite our love life?

Once you pop, you can't stop. Mm, hang on, little bit more.

Can you wipe the seat?

Anyway, the best bit is that I have managed to book

the restaurant we used to go to

when we were first going out.

Le Petit Cornichon?

Oh, no, no, no. They closed that down years ago.

Yeah, I remember freaking out that the area had peaked.

Yes, but they have opened another one on the same spot.

-What do you say? -I'll say it sounds pretty good.

Fantastic. OK.

And we're gonna say yes to the TV thing as well, yeah?

No, no. I think we've got to be brave.

They've made it really clear they don't want me involved.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, they did say that, didn't they?

We've always said we're a team.

It's both of us or neither.

-No pair... no bear. -No bear.

Yeah, we have said that, haven't we? And it does rhyme.

[hushed] Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks, bollocks!

[doorbell rings]

Just getting in the shower, Dad.

Yep, roger that.

-Hi. -Oh, wow!

-Could you sign this, please? -Yeah.

Austin! Very special moment!

Ha-ha!

Wow! Oh, my... What?

No.

No. No, no, no, no, no!

[shower running]

[Austin] Dad, did you say something?

Er, it was just to say be careful

with the peppermint shower gel on your orifices.

Er, stronger than it smells!

Bit late for "coulda-shoulda", Dad.

[whispers] Come here!

Oh, Austin's book!

Oh, I wouldn't have gone with teal.

Though I suppose it is this century's lime.

No, not that. Look! The title. They've changed it.

"The Autistic Guide To Britain".

"Autistic".

Crass. Reductive.

You know, it's meant to be Austin's Guide To Britain.

-Oh. -He's more than a diagnosis.

I'm really offended on Austin's behalf.

Are you? Are you offended on Austin's behalf

or on your own behalf?

Well, both, because it's the same.

I'm part of the community, as his father.

I mean, you don't understand what it's like being a carer

for a neurodivergent person.

No? Because sometimes, I feel like I do.

Anyway, I'm going straight to the publishers.

I'm gonna have a very stern word.

I might even wear that leather jacket I own.

-I gave that to Oxfam. -Oh. Right, well, anyway...

I'm gonna give them a piece of my mind.

I mean, come on, guys, sort it out!

Don't you think you ought

to talk about it with Austin first?

What? No, he can't know about this. He'll be crushed.

I've gotta work in the shadows on this one.

You know, no gratitude, no glory.

[he sighs]

I just want my son to live with a tiny bit of dignity.

Have you moved my Anusol?

No?

-Morning! -Morning, Dad.

-Good morning, Austin. -Morning, Ingrid.

Dad, I know we've discussed it,

but I'm thinking about asking Greta out.

Ah, right.

Well, I think there might be a bit of an issue there.

Why's that?

Well, I don't know if you've ever heard the phrase,

"Don't shit on your own doorstep."

Welcome to the Hartswood breakfast table.

No. Why is that even a phrase?

And also, isn't that a clear given?

Don't do that on any doorstep.

-Well, what it means, Austin... -Thanks, Dad.

..is that people don't generally think

it's a very good idea to mix business and pleasure.

But what about you two?

You're married, you work together.

The romance came first, then we started working together.

And so ended the romance.

But what if Greta's the one,

and it's our destiny to get married

and be together forever?

That beats meeting

in less than optimal circumstances, right?

The thing is...

I already have a list of names of the babies

I imagine us having together,

and I've already reached triple figures.

OK, I think it is probably all right to ask Greta out,

but I strongly feel that you should delete that list.

Yeah. Maybe save the baby names to date five or six?

Oh, Austin, while I remember,

Julian and I are going to be out tonight.

Why?

I'm taking Julian for a romantic date.

-Where? -At the newish restaurant.

In between the exorbitant candle shop and Waitrose.

Sounds intriguing.

I'm gonna take this to my quarters.

You've just done one of those, have you?

Do you want some?

Well, I would quite like some. Yes, please.

Couple more eggs in the box. So, Austin is crushing again.

I bet this is gonna go the way of Lucy the journalist.

Which you were delighted about.

I was not.

I'm just worried about him, that's all.

Well, he needs to get used to rejection, I suppose.

Why does he? She might say yes.

-Oh, please. -Why not?

He's a very amiable young man. Why shouldn't she?

Oh, I see. You're doing that, are you?

OK. If Greta says no, you agree to the fish smoker.

-Oh, don't be so childish. -Yeah, I thought so.

Monica's just finishing a meeting.

Did you want a tea or coffee?

I don't want anything, thank you. Just justice.

Actually, do you have chamomile?

We don't.

-Anything decaf? -Water?

OK, fine.

Er, wet piccolo. Oh, and oat milk.

[he sighs]

Come.

Is there a problem, Julian?

The problem, Monica,

is that you have changed the title of our book

without so much as telling us.

I would remind you, we have a contract.

Yeah, that's not an executed copy, actually.

I printed it so I had something to wave at you.

Yes, and the toner ran out on page six.

And the point is, I am the original publisher,

and as my licensee,

you have to give me meaningful consultation.

Right. And did we do that?

-No! -Oh.

Well, let me redress that immediately.

Julian, what do you think of the new title?

[he sighs] Well, I... I don't like it.

OK, I hear you... but I still do.

How's that?

Monica, you and I have a responsibility to Austin,

and using "autistic" in the title of his book

is reductive labelling.

Would you put out a book by me

called A Middle-Aged White Man's Guide To Britain?

Not by you, no. God, no!

But we would by Jeremy Clarkson.

Yeah, I can see that selling, actually, yeah.

But the point is, unless you revert to the original title,

you give me no option

but to seek counsel and take legal recourse.

Is this because we're not doing any more Big Bear?

-No. -Is it because

we wouldn't publish your memoirs?

That's your loss, isn't it?

-Is that still a no, by the way? -Yes.

Yes to my memoirs?

-Yes, it's a no. Philippe! -Oui?

[in French]

That's not a piccolo.

[sighs]

Here goes nothing.

Hello, Greta, it's Austin Hogan.

Oh, hi, Austin Hogan. Sorry, I'm so hungover.

I went to pub trivia last night,

and it's hosted by a drag queen, so it just gets mental.

Actually, Greta, I was calling to say...

more-more like ask...

I was wondering if you might like to go to dinner with me.

Oh, yeah, I've been meaning to ask you, actually.

Really?!

I mean, we'd normally do a lunch, but dinner could work.

How about tonight?

Tonight, I'm supposed to be seeing Grayson Perry

give a talk about artists' gardens.

-Sod that! Yeah, sure, why not? -Great!

Oh.

[phone rings]

-Yeah? -Full details to follow.

So, big news.

I asked a girl out to dinner, and she said yes.

[Mel] That's fantastic, love.

Working the old Hogan charm, eh?

Why do you look so concerned, sweetheart?

Because I realised, despite my extensive planning,

I never actually referred to it as a date, only dinner.

So now I'm wondering if she thinks of it as a friend date

or a date date.

Try not to worry. Just see what happens.

You know, ride the wave of uncertainty.

Riding the wave of uncertainty

sounds like hell on earth, Mum.

Austin, it's your grandad. Can you hear me?

Yes, obviously.

I wanna talk to you about the ungovernable power

of sexual attraction.

Oh! Strap in.

We have no control over these things.

We don't know where or when it'll strike.

But you sure as hell know when it has.

Happened to me once in a tackle shop

north of Googong Dam.

Undeniable. RV driver, six foot tall at least.

-Was this a man or a woman? -Oh, it was a woman.

My God, was it a woman.

If it was a man, I-I would've said.

I mean, that's my whole point.

We're at the mercy of mysterious forces.

Just try and go with the flow, love.

If you want to, you can call me and just quietly

put your phone on the table so I can hear everything.

No, Mum, that won't be necessary.

-Good luck, mate. -Thanks, Grandad.

-[shaver buzzes] -You ready?

Two minutes. Er, actually, four minutes.

-I need to shave my ears. -Taxi's gonna be here in one.

-Why is Austin wearing a tux? -Because he's got a date.

-Greta said yes. -Did she?

-Mm-hm. -OK. Yeah, good.

And that means no fish smoker. Pew!

Well, that wasn't technically the bet.

Yes, it was.

Well, that works.

I mean, I'd say that anyway, even if it didn't,

but, er, in this case, I like it.

Be an enigma. Yeah, the ladies love that.

That's why I'm wearing the suit, but without the tie.

Nope, nope, I can't do this.

So, er, where are you meeting Greta?

Wow, is that what you're wearing?

At the restaurant.

-Yes, what's wrong with it? -No, I like it. Sexy, but, er...

Actually, I'm just gonna stick with sexy.

Very wise. Where are you going? Can we give you a lift?

Turning up for a date with your dad and his wife

is not exactly the image that I wanna project.

Fair enough. OK?

Well, good luck. We'll be rooting for you.

Thanks, Stepmum.

-Oh... -Ay, ay, ay.

Thank you.

[laughter and chatter]

Oh!

Wow. It's... It's quite different, isn't it?

-Huh! -Yeah.

Erm, wait a minute.

Austin? What are you doing here?

You haven't booked the same restaurant as us, have you?

Er, yeah. You said it was romantic.

No, it's romantic for us

because we used to come here when we first met.

You used to come to Braii Life

South African Barbecue And Vibes?

Well, obviously, I haven't been here for a while, so...

Ingrid, look!

It's the team from the estate agents' on the corner.

Oh, let's hope they start giving speeches

and handing each other sales awards, eh?

Hi. Are you ready to live your "Braii life"?

I understand nothing of what you just asked.

-Your table's ready. -Ah, thank you.

-First come, first served. -OK.

I mean, it's still nice, isn't it?

It's really nice.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

I always think it's a good sign

when you see a lot of South Africans

in a South African restaurant...

-Hello. -Hi.

-Is it a special evening? -Yes, it is.

-No. Ooh! -Oh. No, apparently!

-No. Not really sure. -No... Yeah!

-Well, here are your menus. -Thank you.

I'm afraid that the Double Durban burgers

are off for tonight, but we do have

a really nice ostrich steak fresh off the plane.

You flew the ostriches over?

Well, they can't fly themselves, can they?

OK, could we please have

a bottle of your finest red wine and...

-Very nice. -..some biltong for the table?

100%. Yeah.

I mean, nothing says date night like losing a filling

on a strip of leathery bush meat.

No?

Well, I'm sorry it's not Le Petit Cornichon.

Oh, no, it's really nice. It's really nice.

Erm...

look, I know this is bound to come up at some point,

so we may as well deal with it now, and that is...

I really don't want us to say yes to the Big Bear TV series.

I wasn't even thinking about that tonight.

Oh.

[both chuckle]

Look at Austin, all alone.

He looks like he's just been sacked by an orchestra.

I hope she's not gonna stand him up.

Oh, incoming.

-I'm meeting someone. -Oh, thank God.

Thought we were gonna have to invite him here

to make a sympathy trio.

Look, let's turn and wave at him. He'll hate that.

Sorry I'm late.

I had to stay at work to shout at someone.

-Love this, by the way. -Thank you.

Is that Julian?

-Yep, it is. -Explain, please.

Don't feel the need to wave back.

I specifically told them not to acknowledge me.

Well, they're acknowledging you, aren't they?

Yeah, clearly.

Right... Do you drink wine?

-I'm afraid not. -OK.

-Yes, lovely. -Thank you.

-Thank you. Yeah. -Yes, great.

-OK. -Correctly identified

the oenophile amongst the couple.

Means "wine lover".

Mmm!

-That's quite nice, actually. -What do you mean, "actually"?

Just that it's quite nice. Erm...

Whew! just dodged a five-minute lecture

on New World wines.

OK, so, erm... cards on the table.

I have been thinking about this TV offer.

I thought we were gonna say no.

Yes, no pair, no bear.

But when we agreed that,

in the past, things were different.

Neither of us had publicly endorsed a Nazi.

No, endorsed a Nazi on a non-Nazi point.

Also, he was only a neo-Nazi,

so sort of a, you know, diluted Nazi.

But if things were the other way round,

if I had agreed with a Nazi,

I would be perfectly happy

with you to take Big Bear forward,

you know, with limited involvement.

Oh, you would, would you? Yeah, yeah!

I would, and I'm not just saying that.

Because you're a better person than me?

No. Just... Don't twist it to make me sound...

-Trojan horse dinner. -Me? What?

That's what this is, yeah?

All the little Greek guys climbing out now, aren't they?

So, are you excited about your book launch?

-Yes, I am. -Not long now.

I know.

Did you like the advanced copies?

Advanced copies?

I got an email saying they'd been delivered.

I hope they didn't go to Geoffrey next door.

Not much that goes in there comes out.

I'm sure...

Yes, here we go. Julian signed for them.

So the delivery man knows, and my dad knows.

That makes this a conspiracy.

-Why do you not trust me?! -Shh! Chill out.

Don't do that.

People will think I'm an overbearing husband.

You are an overbearing husband!

Do you think they're all right?

They don't seem to be living the "Braii life".

I've just figured it out.

You want to do this TV series BECAUSE I won't be involved.

Checkmate.

Oh! Oh! Oh, my God! That chicken leg, it's...

That is so hot! Oh!

This was a good choice, Austin.

Outside the box. Very you.

Thanks, Greta.

Also, before you go, I wanted to ask you,

because I'm not very good at leaning into uncertainty...

Mm?

..was this a friend date or a date date?

A what, what? A date?

Oh, because you thought... Oh, bless you!

God, you're so vulnerable. I love it.

I actually kind of saw it

as more of a meeting date.

A meeting date.

-That's a category? -We can write our own rules.

Greta, could you ever see us progressing to a date date?

I don't think it's super likely.

Oh.

But you know what they say. Never say never.

Hm...

I'll see you at the book launch.

[Julian sighs]

Well... that was lovely.

Yeah, very nice.

Definitely a lot of different ways to eat a cow.

My pleasure.

Did you give her a tip?

Yeah. 10%, times two.

20%?! Well, no wonder she's living the "Braii life".

-She's earning more than I am. -That's not hard.

-Hey. -Hey.

How was your date?

Actually, the date seemed more like a business meeting.

-Yeah, mine too, actually. -Oh.

Sorry, the meal's made me desperate for vitamins.

Ah!

Mmm, that's better.

By the way, Dad, where are the advance copies of my book?

Advance copies? I don't think we've had any yet.

Greta said they've been delivered.

-Wh-Where? -Here.

The house in which we sit and stand.

Have they?

Greta said you signed for them.

-"Signed for them"? -Give it up, Julian.

Look, the reason I didn't say anything is, erm...

is that they've changed the title.

-This is all wrong. -I know. I know.

It should be AN Autistic Guide To Britain.

Well, no, surely it should be our original title,

Austin's Guide To Britain.

That's your title, Dad.

I wanted to call it Game Of Scones,

but then you said it was a bit,

and I quote, "end of the pier".

I had no idea what that meant.

You were explaining it to me for about 15 minutes,

and I still didn't know what it meant.

-Still agreed. -I was exhausted.

And then I suggested Doing Britain On The Spectrum.

Yeah, I don't like "doing" Britain, you know?

I think Britain should reveal her treasures to us.

So then you suggested Austin's Guide To Britain.

Does what it says on the tin.

I actually prefer An Autistic Guide To Britain.

What, even though it's got "autistic" in the title?

-Why would that be a problem? -Well, you know...

Almost like you should've had this conversation before.

Oh, brother.

After consulting with my client...

By which you mean your son?

Yes, after consulting with him,

our preferred title is AN Autistic Guide To Britain.

-Not Austin's Guide to Britain? -Correct.

Which we paid a designer to change on the cover

and promotional material.

Send me the bill.

Oh, er, while I'm here, a friend read my memoirs,

and I'm not gonna say his name

cos I haven't asked his permission,

but let's just say you know of him and his "Dark Materials".

[mouths] Philip Pullman!

Anyway, he said he found them to be "deeply revealing".

Still a no, Julian.

They turned down The Beatles, you know.

-[light piano music] -[guests chatter]

[Austin] Hi, Mum. Hi, Grandad.

I'm at the book launch in the UK.

This is a copy of my book, for display purposes only.

Oh, love, it looks great!

I always felt I had a book in me, myself -

an erotic thriller set in the world of civil engineering.

These are the snacks. I had full sign-off on these.

These Cheezels had to be shipped in specially.

A lady architect and a male welder

team up to build a new velodrome,

and sparks fly.

This is nice.

Yeah, sort of like a Wotsit got it on with a Hula Hoop.

-No, I mean the event. -Mm!

Look. You can tell Austin's happy. He's listing.

Mm.

This is really nice, Julian. Well done.

Thank you.

I was thinking about earlier, the, erm, TV adaptation thing.

Yeah. You know, we could talk about that again, here,

or we could not ruin Austin's launch party.

No, no, I was just going to say, I think you're right.

I mean, just cos they don't want me involved

doesn't mean you shouldn't be.

Mm... Yeah. Do you mean that, though?

-I trust you. -Do you?

So you're not plotting on becoming an evil puppet master

who's going to control the show through me?

I'm not gonna turn "evil puppet master".

I mean, not unless you want me to.

-I don't. -Oh.

-Just be there if you need me. -Which I won't.

OK. Yeah.

Well, if you mean that, I really appreciate it,

because, you know, I just...

I really feel that I can do a mind-blowing job on this.

-I know you can. -[she laughs]

Shall we go and check in on Austin?

Mm.

Austin, congratulations!

Welcome to the Published Authors Club.

Yeah, mutual smug-gasm.

That's inappropriate. So, how do you feel?

Bien. Muy bien. Gracias, Ingrid.

-Quite ecstatic, actually. -Yeah?

But I'm not gonna let fame change me.

I'm gonna keep my feet firmly on the ground.

Oh, Austin, this book is very unlikely to make you famous,

and if it does bring a little bit of recognition over time,

it's more sort of Radio 4 famous,

rather than... bodyguards.

No screaming mobs, but an oldish lady might say

something nice to you in Dulwich Picture Gallery.

-Oh. -Austin.

Julian, hi. Austin, have you seen?

Seen what?

Billie Piper has posted about your book.

Someone sent her an advance copy. You're welcome.

It's already had nearly a million views.

Kerching!

See? Stick with me, Austin. We're going to the moon.

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