Original subtitles

[phone chimes]

[sighs]

-Ooh. Hi. -Oh!

-Mm! -Mm!

It was really nice of Dad

to come and support the exhibition last night,

wasn't it?

Define "support". He was very late.

Yeah, he was probably very shy.

That... naked drawing of him is not flattering.

Oh, it is, believe me.

Mum, when are you gonna come back into the house,

leave the shed?

Why would I do that? I've got my independence.

Celebrate with me, daughter, for I am coming into my power.

Mum, you're sleeping in a shed.

Don't see how that's a power move.

It's a cradle of creativity.

So, Olivia saw you in the garden centre,

and she said, and I quote, you were giving "gnomecore".

-That's good, right? -No.

Look, maybe Dad isn't so bad.

Maybe there's more pluses than minuses.

Well, let's put that to the test, shall we?

I will keep a tally over the next sort of day or so,

and we'll see how he performs.

-It's a bit weird. -Is it weird, or is it thorough?

I mean, the thing is, Flo,

I don't know that I actually need him.

Why do we actually need men, Flo?

I mean, what are they for?

You know, apart from opening jam jars.

Maybe what I really need is to move into a commune

of other women over 50, who all, you know,

are emotionally intelligent and share the load.

Yeah, and, like, sing.

Well, yeah, no, and also useful things,

like stack the dishwasher.

I stack the dishwasher.

-Big news, by the way. -Mm-hm?

I'm not his father.

-What did you say? -Austin. I'm not his dad.

DNA test came back last night.

Negative. Not related.

Oh, my God.

Sorry, so I... I don't have a brother?

I know! [he chuckles]

-I'm so sorry, Flo. -Why? It's good news for her.

You know, the house, Granny's jewellery.

Julian, are you having any feelings about this at all?

Course, yeah. I'm experiencing quite a lot of relief.

He's processing. He's just...

His feelings are just coming in the post.

Yeah, and not by airmail.

When you think about it, it's quite a funny story.

Austin's gonna be completely floored by this.

I mean, you're... you're really important to him.

I mean, not as important as buses, admittedly,

but, I mean, you're still important.

No, no, I know. I know, I know.

Dad, how are you gonna break this to him?

-Probably by text. -I was thinking verbally.

-OK. -Huh.

Face to face. He's earned that.

Yeah, I mean, you could start

with something good and positive,

and then the bad news, and then something else good.

You know, your standard bombshell sandwich.

-Like it. -Yeah, so,

"Hey, Austin, I've really enjoyed

having you to stay with us.

"Also, you're not my son.

"Also, great shoes!"

Maybe needs a bit of finessing, but...

Oh, you're doing that, are you? Yeah?

Julian, could you open that jam jar for me?

What? I've just put on hand cream.

[faint announcement over tannoy]

-[phone chimes] -Oh, look - from Austin.

Oh, DNA result's in.

"Julian not father."

What the hell?!

-Oh! -[phone clatters]

I just had that fixed.

Did you hear that, Dad? Can you text him, please?

-Ask him what he means. -My phone's in my luggage.

-What? -Why would I need it?

I'm about to have 250 hours of on-demand viewing, 4K.

-"Julian not father"? -Keep your voice down, love.

We'll be at the talk of the Premium Lounge.

OK, let's do the maths.

The, uh, female gestation period is... what?

20 weeks, 25?

It's 40 weeks, Dad.

Are you serious? That's the best part of a year.

Well, hats off to you girls. That's a commitment.

Look, Dad, as much as I'd like to while away the next two hours

doing the maths around my sexual encounters, there's no need to.

It can't be this other guy. I think.

-You think? -I don't know, Dad.

It was a long time ago.

Also, those little guys can hang around in there.

It's the survivors that make it. Tough little nuts.

-Talking about sperms. -I got it, Dad. I got it.

-Hi, Austin. -Morning.

Nice swans.

They're not swans, they're cranes.

And "nice" is the enemy of "great".

That's very true.

Listen, Austin,

there's something I need to tell you.

I had an email last night, our DNA results.

Yes, I know. Negative. I also got that email.

-And I read it in bed. -Why didn't you come downstairs?

I was trying to get to sleep. It was quarter to midnight.

That's an hour and fifteen minutes behind schedule.

How'd that go? Looks like maybe not well.

I eventually drifted off from sheer exhaustion.

But then not long after that, the lab called me.

The lab? What, the DNA lab?

Well, he doesn't mean a Labrador, does he, Julian?

Apparently, they have someone else on file

whose DNA is a 50% match with me.

-What? -Long story short,

my real dad is a 58-year-old man living in Northampton.

Oh, my gosh.

This brings things into focus, doesn't it?

Mel was seeing someone else.

Well, you were seeing someone else.

-Who? -Me!

Oh, right. Still sorry, by the way.

The lab asked me if I was willing

to share my contact details with this person...

-What did you say? -..and I agreed to it.

Oh, wow, Austin. That is... That's a lot to process.

I must warn you, it may get emotional for you.

But so far, I'm finding that the best way

to handle this is via origami.

Also, if one of you could nip around to the newsagent

and get me another ream of decent-weight paper,

that would be deeply appreciated.

OK. Right.

Thank you for providing me this exchange of details.

Much appreciated.

Hey, guys, I have some big news.

DNA Done have connected me

with my biologically matched father,

and he's agreed to meet with me.

I am now in possession of his phone number.

Oh, my God. Austin, that's so soon.

What are you going to do? Are you going to phone him?

-I prefer text messaging. -Yeah.

Well, see, in this instance, Austin,

it is probably better to...

OK, too late. He's texted.

I'm hoping to set up a meeting with this man,

and assuming that he accepts me as his "issue",

I'll ask him to provide me with lodgings

for the remainder of my time in the UK.

I've already packed up most of my things.

Austin! Austin, you don't have to do that.

-No. -Oh, goodness me.

Go on, go and unpack.

And of course you can carry on staying here.

No, you can stay with us as long as you want.

Yeah, well, within reason.

Dad - I mean, Julian - what's gonna happen with my book now?

Ah, yeah. Now, erm...

Book? What book?

Dad - I mean, Julian -

has offered to publish my Guide To Britain.

Oh. "Dad-I-mean-Julian" has, has he?

That's uncharacteristically generous of him.

How many copies were you thinking of self-publishing?

A small, you know, possible print run of, say, 500?

So �5,000.

And you're gonna have to do one for Florence as well,

so that makes �10,000.

Yes, just cos I'm an artist, doesn't mean I'm bad at maths.

�10,000, that just seems like an awful lot

for an unemployed man to be spending.

Florence hasn't even written a book.

Yeah, well, that's immaterial.

Newsflash, this is what you have to do

-when you have two children. -I haven't.

But you did when you made the offer.

We aren't gonna publish a book by Florence,

cos I'm not gonna publish one by him now.

He's not even my son.

Well, certainly, it's probably due a rethink, isn't it?

You know, maybe we come at this from a different angle,

make it an online thing.

Yeah, we could probably make this

an online thing as well.

What are you writing in that book?

Absolutely nothing.

-Florence. -Jesus Christ.

Do you think you could...

if you're talking to your mum anyway...?

-Oh, put in a good word for you? -In a word, yes.

I need this. We need this, hmm?

Do you wanna come from a broken home?

Oh, two Christmas dinners,

two lots of birthday presents, you know?

No, I'm joking.

I mean, a little, but, you know,

I don't know what I can say to bring her back to you.

Tell her that I'm sorry for all the times I haven't measured up,

which I genuinely am.

-Oh, OK. -And tell her I've changed.

Oh, have you?

Well, I probably will, you know, if required to do so.

And, erm,

see if you can coax her back into the marital bed.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.

Dad, nobody wants to hear their parents talk about sex.

Well, that's a silly thing to feel awkward about.

Oh! Oh, OK. Well, then,

how about you think about your mum and dad having sex?

-Er... -How does it make you feel?

-Strange. -OK.

So when it comes to conjugal issues, you can just...

you can just talk to Mum about that on your own.

Hey, everyone, he's texted me back.

-He's invited me to Northampton. -Oh.

As previously mentioned, that's where he lives.

Great, let's go. Shall I drive us?

-No. -No.

No, you're right.

The M1 will be a nightmare, won't it?

I'll book train tickets.

Julian, you're being very enthusiastic.

I'm being supportive.

You're supporting him right out the door.

Austin loves trains.

I really resent it when people assume that,

because that is kind of a stereotype of autism.

And also, it's railways.

Come on, then. Help me pick out some tickets.

Northampton sounds quite regal. I mean, it is a Hampton.

Assuming that it's the original Hampton.

Yeah, maybe you reserve your judgement on that.

-You OK, Bubs? -Yeah.

I just can't believe I'm losing the brother I never knew I had.

Mm, I know.

A good Hartswood man is too much to hope for.

Mm.

The women, on the other hand...

Guys, er, first class is at the other end, I think.

[over tannoy] Due to an earlier cancellation,

the train about to arrive on platform one

will be declassified.

Shit, it's been declassified.

We're gonna have to grab our seats.

It's gonna be anarchy.

Big day for you, Austin.

If you want to talk about your feelings, I'm...

I'm actually feeling a range of emotions.

Yeah.

Most of them are quite unpleasant.

I've been trying to cram facts about Northampton on Wikipedia,

but for some reason, I can't read on trains.

-Stop sheep-dogging us. -Shepherding, yeah.

You want my advice? Just enjoy it.

Enjoy it? Seriously, that's your advice?

Yeah - for a writer, no experience is wasted.

Finding out who your real dad is,

that's an intense moment very few people experience.

Austin's getting it twice in a year. Gold mining material.

So, if this train were to crash,

and the three of us were to be dragged from the wreckage,

barely alive, there would be a part of you thinking,

"Oh, goody, a trauma I can write about for cash."

Only way to get a book deal these days.

Well, it is true, now I think about it.

If you guys will excuse me,

I'm going to urinate and obtain snacks.

Think he's gonna be all right? Not gonna take a wrong turn?

-No, he's not. It's a train. -He's fine.

Actually, while he's gone,

there is something I've been meaning to ask you, actually.

I think you should come back to the house.

Are you aware that sounds like an order, not a request?

Would you kindly return to the house?

Better, but no.

Must be some way of saying it that makes it sound OK.

Well, maybe there isn't.

Has that thought occurred to you?

Just thought you'd be about ready.

I'm not a cake, Julian.

[whispers] God.

Oh, wait a minute.

I see what's going on here. Are you marking me?

How is it up there on the moral high ground?

-Breezy. -Hm.

Don't tell me there's not a little bit of you

that's relieved he's not my son.

How dare you.

All right, invite him for Christmas.

We always go to the Loch for Christmas.

We're the Dons! We're the Dons! We're the Dons!

We're the Dons! We're the Dons! We're the Dons!

We're the Dons! We're the Dons!

[they cheer]

Just as I feared - the nightmare of declassification.

-Using your plug, mate? -No, but, er...

No? Cheers, mate. Top man. Legend.

Just as long as they don't play

two types of music at the same time.

Can somebody please remove this cable?

Thank you.

Oi, oi, it's Sherlock Holmes! You all right, Sherlock, mate?

I assume you must be referring to the deerstalker hat.

Fun fact, Sherlock Holmes,

as described by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle,

never actually wore one.

-[they laugh] -This bloke's a proper boffin.

You should go on The Chase, mate.

Do you want a beer, bruv?

I'll pass, thank you kindly.

-Why not? -It's nothing personal.

I just wish to remain in full control of my senses,

and fizzy drinks make me gassy.

[they laugh]

[Ingrid] You have to handle this.

[Julian] I am handling it.

How are you? You're not doing anything.

-I'm biding. -Biding?

Yeah, biding, you know.

Gets any worse,

I may move to glowering, quite possibly tutting.

Why don't you handle it?

If it was a ski lift, yeah, sure.

I can't handle it in this situation.

They'll call me a Karen,

and then I cannot be held responsible for my actions.

I'll go full Nightbitch. I might bite someone.

-Here, lads. -[they cheer]

Hey! Hey, I...

Hey!

Hey, I need that to impress my father!

[they laugh]

Lads, you've had your fun. Give him his hat back.

Who are you, mate? Sherlock's dad?

On the contrary, this man

happens to be the author of the Big Bear books.

-Thanks, Austin. -Oh, what,

Big Bear Goes To The Toilet?

No, it's Big Bear Learns To Use The Toilet, actually.

And it won a Toddler's Choice Book Award.

-[they laugh] -Thank you, darling.

I've got this. I'm serious. The hat.

Or what?

Or... else?

[all] Oooh!

-Or else what? -This yours, is it?

OK, I'm giving you five seconds. I'm warning you.

I'm so sorry. Sorry. Three seconds now.

-One... Give me the hat back! -No, no, no, no!

-[whistle blows] -There you go, Austin.

Bag out the train, he chucked your bag out the train!

[all] Bag out the train,

he chucked your bag out the train!

-[they cheer] -Hey, that's not funny!

[siren wails]

Erm, H-A-R-T-S-W-O-O-D.

-Occupation? -Er, children's author.

Anything I might know?

The Big Bear series?

I see.

Do you think Big Bear

would have thrown someone's bag out of a train?

Well, if there was a perceived injustice...

No. No, Big Bear would have used his words.

Yes. Yes, he would.

-So, whic-Ah.e is it? --This one. Yeah.

So, Austin, are you feeling, er, ready for this?

-Uh, not really. -Austin, wait.

Er, just... Before you go in,

I wanted to say how much I've valued

the time that we've spent together,

and, you know,

even though I'm not your biological father...

..I love you.

I did warn you it could get emotional.

Post's arrived by boat.

[Julian stammers]

I love you too, Dad. I mean, Julian.

Of course I still wanna publish your book.

I mean, if you'll do me that honour.

And Ingrid agrees.

Yeah, of course.

And you must come and spend Christmas with us.

Yeah, we're family, whatever a DNA test says.

[Julian exhales deeply]

[Ingrid sniffles]

[Ingrid exhales deeply]

I found all of that quite uncomfortable

but also pretty lovely.

-Go on, then. -Go on, then.

Go and meet your real dad.

-Connor Webster? -Austin Hogan?

I'm your son.

Now, I'm not a scientist,

but I think there's probably been

some sort of mistake or mix-up at the lab.

It's only me, love!

Hen weekend was cancelled.

Gastric flu. Amy was the first.

Now they're all dropping like... flies.

-Hi. -Hi.

Sorry, who are you? What's going on?

I did a DNA test.

What?

The company called me to tell me

there was someone on file who was a match.

-A possible son. -What?!

But, look, it's fine.

There's obviously been some kind of mix-up.

[they chuckle]

I mean, I don't think this young man is my son.

Hi, I'm Austin. Good to meet you.

Hang on, hang on.

Why did you think you might have a son you didn't know about?

I didn't. I... I was confused.

Why were you getting a DNA test in the first place?

Oh, is this about the DNA test? Is the results back?

-You knew about this? -Yeah.

You were spending a lot of time with Nigel back then,

and I just needed to know.

-Hello? -Oh, my God!

He was my skating partner!

Guys, er, sorry, it's the lab.

Erm, you say you have someone on file

who's a close DNA relative, possibly a son?

You've got two sets of results mixed up.

[she sighs irritably]

Ah, you're not Connor Webster?

I am Julian Hartswood.

Yes, I have your results here, Mr Hartswood.

It looks like we have someone on file who is a match.

Is it by any chance Austin Hogan?

Well, I'll need the other person's permission.

-You say. -This is Austin Hogan.

If it is me, you have my permission.

Yes, you are a 50% DNA match with Austin Hogan.

-Yes! -Wow. Well, that is fantastic.

However, you do need to make sure

this doesn't happen again.

You have caused us considerable emotional distress.

We've had to come to Northampton - no offence.

I'm sorry, Mr Hartswood.

By way of compensation,

I could offer you a free DNA test.

Free DNA test? Why would I want another one?

I don't know.

If you had another child you wanted

to check the paternity of, or..

OK, yeah, well, stick one in the post.

May as well if it's free.

[whispers] Let's get out of here. Shall we?

-Shall we...? -Shall we?

Thank you so much for having us.

Yeah, thanks.

-It was so nice to meet you. -Thanks so much, yeah.

-And we wish you... Yeah. -Yeah.

-All the best. -Forgot my bag, sorry.

[faint arguing]

Who knew?

Maybe we're not Britain's

most dysfunctional couple after all.

-Shall we call a cab? -Yeah, yeah, I can do that.

Ah, may I suggest that we call from around the corner?

-Good idea. -[arguing continues]

Also, we need to tell Florence the good news.

Ooh!

-Thank you so much. -Thank you.

-Good to have you back, son. -Great to be back, Dad.

-Anyone fancy a hot chocolate? -Ooh!

-Champagne? -After you.

Oh, Austin.

Oh, I have 14 missed calls from my mother.

I guess I'd better go tell her the good news

that I'm not related to Connor from Northampton after all.

You need to get an early night. You've got a book to finish.

I'll bring your hot chocolate up.

Thanks, Dad.

-Oh, Flo? -Yeah?

Do you want us to publish a book by you as well?

Erm, yeah, cool, yeah.

Oh, and do you want a hot chocolate?

Oh, Dad, I'm actually on the phone.

But, yeah, please, that'd be great.

Ah. What about you? Would you like a hot choc?

What about me? What about you?

What about all of us, hmm?

It's official. Austin's in.

Yeah.

And that doesn't have to be a bad thing.

I mean, it's an opportunity for us to have a complete reset.

-Totally. -Isn't it?

So, do you want a hot chocolate, or, er...?

-Er... Goddess Tea, please. -Goddess Tea coming right up.

Do you think I've let myself go?

Hm?

It's just one of Florence's friends said

I was channelling gnomecore.

-Gnomecore? -Gnomecore.

Actually, I can work with that.

Kinky.

How did I do, by the way, in your little score book?

Oh, it's just a childish little...

You did better as the day went on.

Still room for improvement, though.

Room for improvement.

-Mm. -OK.

So, what would this, er,

ruddy-cheeked, white-bearded, pot-bellied gnome have to do

to lure this...

-Beautiful. -..gnome back into their abode?

You wanna fish in my pond,

you're gonna have to get a bigger worm.

[he chuckles]

I have no idea what that means, and I don't think you do either.

It means stop taking me for granted.

Try a bit harder.

Where are you going?

I'm going to the silver mine at the bottom of the garden.

Well, I don't suppose you could stay now and,

you know, let me earn it later?

This gnome ain't for turning. Is that too much gnome?

Can there ever be too much gnome?

I don't think I really want to encourage the gnome thing.

-Just be our little secret. -Yeah.

Night.

-Night. -[door closes]

Austin's Guide To Britain.

Chapter nine...

..Northampton.

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