Original subtitles

You're trending. You retweeted a white supremacist.

Retweeted a what? A Nazi.

Jesus! Well, how was I supposed to know? He didn't have any of the gear on. I'm

pretty sure that I'm your son.

There's no way I can be your father. I mean, I've seen you a couple of times.

Sorry, are you arguing the truth about how babies are made?

I probably should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm on the autism spectrum.

I'm in fame with children's book authors.

Dad goes on a journey of understanding.

There could be a book in it. There could be a documentary.

So, perhaps, I don't know, we could grab some lunch tomorrow? I'd really like

that. Thank you, Mr. Hartswood. Oh, please, Mr. Hartswood. Just call me,

Jules. Call me Jules, if you like. I was wondering

if you wouldn't mind me calling you Dad?

Or how about my middle name's Tristan?

No, sorry, yeah, yeah, Father.

Dad.

Dad's cool.

Okay, then.

I guess I'll see you tomorrow for lunch.

Then... Dad?

Mom, Dad and I have arranged to go out for lunch tomorrow.

Dad? At a restaurant?

A restaurant? That's a bit formal. Maybe I should come with you.

I'd actually prefer that you didn't. Well, I'm a good plus one. Mum, I'm a

man. I know, but I don't know. I'm fun. Are you trying to muscle out my quality

time with Dad?

Why did you tell me about him if you didn't want me to meet him? Well, you

of backed me into a corner. Technically, you were sitting at the table.

A metaphorical corner.

And I'd had a big glass of rosé.

Anyway, a restaurant.

Let's just go together. Mum.

I can do this on my own. What if it's a restaurant? What if there's a screaming

child? Why would there be a screaming child?

Are you trying to add to Austin's list of no -go locations?

Restaurants are fine, Austin. Thanks, Grandad. At least one person is

to make some sense around here.

Just let him meet the man for lunch. I just don't know what his intentions are.

Well, you should have worried about his intentions 28 years ago.

Yes, thank you, Dad.

No, no, thank you. I mean, really, it's great explaining to everyone what it's

like growing up with a racist as a father.

Hang on. I mean, I may as well just drop out of uni.

The best revenge, Florence, would be first class honours. First of all, Flo,

don't see why you'd need to quit uni. Oh, really?

Everyone knowing you're a massive racist doesn't give me cause. Well, that

doesn't make you a racist.

If I first moved there, I should have been to deny being a racist.

Well, I hope everyone here knows this.

Do you know what?

Do you know that the lecturers give trigger warnings when I walk into class?

Well, I suppose that is thoughtful.

It's just a misunderstanding.

You know, we're sorting it out. The reason we're actually calling is because

have some big news to tell you, Flo.

Your father's had an affair with an Australian woman.

What? Dad?

You've only been there for a few days. It was almost 30 years ago and it wasn't

an affair. And that's not the big news.

If it wasn't an affair, Julian, what was that? The big news is that you have a

half -brother.

I've discovered I have a son here called Austin.

Yes, it was a sort of non -affair that produces a baby.

I mean, you're just trolling with mental health now.

Cross -grandad?

I'm not an animal.

Right. I've had a brainwave.

Debatable. Well, I was thinking, it might be more fun if Julian comes here

the house today for lunch instead.

You know, more fun, yeah?

Well, I don't want to offend you both, but I'm not sure I want Dad to meet you

guys before he's properly bonded with me. Well, he's already met your mother.

All in months, I'd say. Righto, Dad.

My father is a man of letters. He lives in London, for God's sake. He's used to

mixing with artists, judges, ombudsmen.

I do Sudoku.

Look, if he comes to the house, Austin, you'll be able to show him your model.

I did think that a great way to get to know me could be a PowerPoint

presentation. There you go.

I think you're on to something there, Mum.

Good grief.

Well, thank you very much.

You're up early. Where have you been?

Swimming.

Remember when Big Bear's barn burned down? He's devastated, but then realises

can see the moon.

Yeah. I've had one of those moments. Like, maybe there's a silver lining in

for me, too. I mean, after all, to rebalance the marriage, I now feel that

owed my own A.

Baby. A baby? And B, extramarital wham -whams. You're 51. That's not physically

possible.

I mean, I'm not talking about the first one, not the second. Oh, that is not

true. Isabella the Trumpetist or a doctor, Dr. Rustami in Cyprus, who

conceive naturally, more or less, at the age of 53.

Well, that's certainly a thought to get passions rated.

A glib remark, Julian.

And it wasn't technically extramarital, as we weren't married at that point.

It's semantics as well. It's more like extra...

Curricular? No, that doesn't sound... Extracurricular. Oh, very well put,

What, do I mach and she's netball?

Applausos. I didn't mean that. Good camacht!

Porca miseria! Ma che troi! Che fa!

Idiota! Idiota!

Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

One oat latte.

Thanks.

Nice tap.

Cheers.

Did it hurt?

No. I've always wanted a tattoo.

Don't do it.

Your skin's much sexier.

Ingrid. Luke.

Is there anything else I can do for you, Ingrid?

I don't know.

I was thinking of maybe taking up an extracurricular activity and...

Just wondered if you had anything you'd recommend.

Have you ever tried bouldering?

Beg your pardon?

Oh, yes.

No.

But I have been truffle hunting in the Dolomites.

Excuse me.

Right.

Truffle hunting in the Dolomites?

Ah, so you are.

Just a call from Mel. That's Austin's mum.

Let me guess.

Austin's a twin.

No, she suggested lunch at her house today.

Oh, very nice.

You and me and the woman you had a non -extramarital affair with. Well,

actually, she didn't specifically mention you by name, but I'm sure you're

invited. I just thought it'd probably be a bit boring for you.

Why don't you just stay here and relax?

Shall I? Shall I do that?

Yeah.

No, no, of course not. You should... Because I am coming. Great. Yeah.

Is that what you're wearing? Is that what you're wearing?

Well, mine is the apron.

What are you making? Vegetable lasagna, salad, wine.

Mum, these people are from Great Britain, for Pete's sake.

Homer Rossum and Pike, Billy Piper, David Tennant, the great British bake

Ah, now what about this?

Lobster Thermidor.

I'm making vegetable lasagna, Austin. If you want lobster Thermidor, you can

make it. Okay, so where do we keep the lobsters?

What's that?

Yeah, Heidi's PR guys drafted a statement.

I wholeheartedly apologise for the offence caused.

What accent do you think you're doing exactly?

South Africa, I think.

Could be Holland.

Yeah.

How about, I apologise if any offence was caused. I think that's more my

If it was your voice, Julian, it'd be more nasally and obnoxious.

I think you should just leave it.

The whole thing's a bit knee -jerk anyway.

You should just park it.

I'm feeling a bit damp, Parkett.

What time is it ready?

That comes out of the oven at quarter past.

Is that by the clock on the oven or your timepiece?

Clock on the oven.

Can you give me your timepiece? I'd like to synchronise it to the clock on the

oven. It's synchronised.

You weren't accurate when the clocks changed and it's been three minutes out

months. No, it hasn't.

You're perpetually three minutes late, Mum.

I thought you were doing it to wind me up, only I realise it's merely neglect.

I'll get that.

Mel!

Wow!

You haven't changed a bit.

You don't look a day older. This is my wonderful wife, Ingrid, who also doesn't

look a day... Julian, drop it.

Hello. Hi, how's it going?

Sorry, what?

Oh, sorry. Lovely to meet you.

Oh. Oh.

Now, Julian, before we do this, I need to know, are you fully in on this?

not going to bail?

What, on lunch? No, we brought wine.

Yeah, very expensive wine. Why is Australian wine so much more expensive

French? Julian.

No, I mean bail on Austin.

Like, I don't want you waltzing into his life and right back out. Waltzing? So

before we do this, are you in?

Right.

That's sort of putting me on the spot a bit.

He's autistic.

He's vulnerable.

Yeah, well, so am I.

We wouldn't actually be in this predicament if, I don't know, you'd

tell me I had a son sometime in the past few decades.

I'm not shouting!

Why does anyone with clear diction always get... Shall we take this tete -a

-tete inside?

Better acoustics.

Oh, goodness.

Julian, right?

Hi. I'm Bill, or William if you want. William, hello.

I don't actually know why I said that, it's just Bill.

Right, this is Ingrid, my wife.

Thank you so much for having us. It's a pleasure.

Julian, I've got something for you.

It's 28 years too late, but... Don't give him the condom, Dad.

Well, I can't now.

You've ruined the punchline.

Hello, Dad.

Hello, Ingrid.

I apologise about my family.

It's kind of embarrassing.

I'm just trying to break the ice.

Great. You look very smart.

Yes, thank you.

May I start you off with a beverage?

Oh, yes, indeed. That's very kind.

This is very, um... laminated.

I'm trying to give him this, but your mother ruined it. That's an excellent

joke, Dad, and you tell it well.

Excuse me a moment.

Hope you didn't buy it specially, Bill. Oh, no, no.

They've got a little dish down at the doctor's. I was getting my bloods from a

prostate.

Have you had your prostate checked, Julian?

Sort of feel like I'm having it examined right now.

That's the wit of the British right there.

Do you know who you remind me of?

No. Go on.

Hugh Grant? No.

Hugh Laurie?

No.

Mrs Brown's boys?

The bloke in the dress.

Brilliant.

So... This is incredibly awkward.

Bit of a shock.

But... No hard feelings.

Hard feeling.

Well, you obviously didn't know about me, so... Not your fault.

Or... Did you? Well, not until after we broke up.

Broke up? What, you mean you were... I think we were actually technically

him at the same time.

You have got to be kidding me. I mean, I thought we were a couple until he said

we'd not have the chat. What chat? And then you guys went to Italy?

Hang on.

What?

Florence, maybe? Oh, you've got to be kidding me. He said the tickets were non

-refundable. Anyway, look, he obviously definitely chose the right woman.

What an absolute toad.

You know what, I might actually have one of these. What a colossal, clod

-humping fink.

Doctor puts on a glove, a bit of lube on the finger.

It's over in a few minutes. I was quite worried a bit beforehand, you know,

but...

In the end, I think, not an unpleasant experience.

Not that I got aroused or anything, but it'd be fine if I did. I mean, I'm not

homo... If people accuse me of being gay, I'm flattered.

Not that it's an accusation, but, hey, you know, it's not a crime. Well, it

still is in some African nation, sadly, and even in this country, they didn't

let him get married until 2017.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is I don't mind having a finger in my bum.

I have a glass of red wine. You got it, Dad.

A large one, please.

Austin tells me your book tour's been cancelled.

Hmm, cancelled.

That word again, Julian. I'm still going to think up.

Is it? Yes.

Is it, though? Yes. Is it actually? Yes, it is. Correction, Grandad. I did not

say that Dad's book tour has been cancelled.

Thank you, Austin. I said Dad's been cancelled.

Oh, please.

Julian reposted a racist on social media. I didn't know the guy was racist

the post itself wasn't racist. So you just appeared something not racist that

racist said? Well, that's fine.

Thank you, Austin.

You're the first person to take a rational view.

You must be concerned it'll affect sales.

Yes, I think it will affect sales. I think the jury's out.

I think the jury's very much in.

Dad, Julian and Ingrid didn't come here to answer your question.

Correct. They came to answer mine.

According to your Wikipedia entry, it mentions you've been six times nominated

for the British Book Awards for children's literature and won three

on your publisher's website, it states that you've won only one.

Curious. How many of these questions are about inconsistencies with the

Wikipedia page?

18. Maybe we'll skip over these questions. If we skip them, they won't

resolved. Just skip them.

Fine.

Why did you have sex with my mother?

Oh.

Austin, mate, you can't ask that.

Sorry. He's very direct.

Doesn't beat around the bush.

Pun intended.

No, no, no. Pun not intended. Julian is his dad.

I think Austin should be able to ask whatever he wants. And I, for one, would

love to know that answer.

Well,

Austin, I mean, we were very young.

Your mother was very attractive.

I mean, it is very attractive.

It was very attractive, and we got to know each other, and I

came to respect her enormously.

Then one thing led to another. I mean, the world of events catering is a very

charged atmosphere.

Not for one minute did I think it would lead to a child.

Do you not know how sex works?

It's a fair point. Maybe we go back to the Wikipedia question. Go back to the

Wikipedia question.

Were you at any point intending to ask for my mother's hand in marriage?

Oh, that is such a good question, Austin.

Honestly, it popped into my head once while we were actually...

Sorry, is that a bit too honest?

I can be a bit too honest sometimes. I think that's why I became a Reuter.

Well, I have a question for you, Austin. Sure.

How long have you known about me? Well, Mum always told me that I was conceived

with the help of a sperm donor.

Which is kind of true, really.

But then when I told her that I was coming to your book signing because I'm

all -time Big Bear fan, she finally admitted the truth.

You told her Mum's a sperm donor?

Would you care to see one of my castle models, Dad?

Um... Look at this.

When did you find out you were pregnant?

A couple of weeks after I got home.

How long were you two actually shagging for?

Three months. Two weeks?

Look, you should actually be flattered. I was trying to choose between you, and

you won.

Or did you choose me because our holiday was non -refundable, Gillian? Yes, I've

been told.

Oh, well, I'm sorry. Some of us have to work for a living.

And did you marry me for my financial cushion?

Oh, I have Edinburgh.

Durham and Windsor.

So nice to have a base, isn't it? Oh, they've waved their magic wand in here.

Hey, that builds a character, doesn't it?

I mean, maybe a tad broad, but...

What are you doing?

Spritzing perfume.

For, uh... I'm going out.

For a walk, or...? No, I'm just having so many unmanageable emotions, Julian. I

think it's best if I have my affair now, get it out the way. You have an affair

now? Yeah, well, I mean, or what?

Have my heart turned black and age in dog ears?

But affairs take a while to brew, don't they? You know, to marinate. Oh, is that

so? Some told.

You're quite the sexpert, all of a sudden. I'm not a sexpert.

You don't think I can have an affair?

What are you saying?

We're not getting any younger, are we?

Watch me.

I said we. I said we're not getting any younger. We.

Wait. What about the baby?

Let's go to Cyprus.

It's not either or, Julian.

What do you mean it's not either or?

You're going to have a baby as well?

Whether for Willie, there's a way.

I didn't get to give my PowerPoint.

Oh, maybe next time.

Mum, Grandad, do you think I personally came across okay?

Because I'm very keen to ingratiate myself with my father and Ingrid.

Partly for emotional reasons and partly because I like to visit Britain.

Oh, Austin, as always, you were a delight.

Top notch, pal.

Good.

Now, I jotted down a few notes on how you performed.

A list of positives and work -ons.

Mum, your outfit could have been a little more formal slash ladylike, but

plus side, you smell great.

Grandad, you did not smell great.

Really, we're getting a performance review, are we? Would you prefer I

it? Possibly.

Make sure you're copying Grandad. Roger that.

Ingrid?

Hi.

You remember me?

Remember you, of course.

What can I get you?

Something... I don't know, what do you recommend?

I'm feeling a bit... Daring.

Oh, really?

Maybe... Spicy margarita? Spicy margarita, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sorry.

Yeah, but I'll have that.

The hotter the better.

Hot and sparkly coming up.

No, you have to guess.

How old do you think I am?

Um, your face is a bit of decolletage.

Oh, my decolletage. Low blow.

I'm going to say 42.

Nicely done.

I'm 51.

Honestly, over 35, I think it's hard to tell.

Ingrid. Mm -hmm? Have you ever been with a younger man?

When I was younger, yeah.

Since being older.

Oh, I see.

Um... No, I haven't.

Just how young are you?

30.

And I finish in half an hour.

Drink me?

Drink. I beg your pardon?

Drink with me.

Oh.

Oh.

Can I phone a friend?

29 minutes.

Yeah, she's just gone out for a bit.

We're, um... Oh, it's fine.

It'll all be fine. You know, I think she just wants to, you know, show me that

she has some, uh... You know, that she's taking this lying down. I mean, not

lying down.

Won't be lying down at all.

So, just the club sandwich, then?

Yes, please. Yeah, yeah. Thanks.

For me, it's not just a sport, it's a spiritual thing.

Out there alone on the water, in the majesty of nature, just you and the

I never thought of snorkelling in that way before.

You should really give it a go.

You'd love it.

I've done it three times.

Only sunk once.

We'll just see.

Careful. Careful, me too.

Would you

like a drink?

Yeah. Actually, I'd quite like some water.

When I get back, you can tell me some more ways. I forgot the holidays.

Yeah, we used to have a kind of video called Betamax.

Discman.

Nice pics.

Is this your mum?

That is my ex -girlfriend, Deborah.

That's my mum.

When you were a kid, was TV really...

I'm just feeling a little bit... Are you having a vasomotor dilation?

I beg your pardon?

Hot flush.

That is... I'll get some ice cubes.

So sexy.

I'm good.

Did you... No, no.

Sorry, you don't have to answer that. I couldn't get drunk.

Me too.

I should have got locked in the gym.

And I ate a lot of food.

Well done.

That's very pathetic.

No, no.

Sorry. Really.

How are you?

I know.

You know, I just needed... Have a revenge affair.

It's just that we've got a lot to protest. But ages ago, I haven't fallen

love with you yet. We'd only just begun.

And we had a holiday in Italy, but what were you to do?

Well, precisely.

But, no, I mean, obviously I loved you more than one refundable ticket.

Dear.

You know I do.

Dear.

Hey,

run it, Paul.

What about it?

Does it turn you on?

No. Should it?

I was wondering whether you might like to spend the day hanging out together?

I think it's important that we bond.

Just checking in about the documentary.

I want you to manage your expectations, Julian, because it's not going to happen

overnight. I could never forgive myself if I didn't capture these precious

moments in 4K.

Morning. Morning!

Are you secretly making a documentary?

What? Are you secretly making me make a documentary?

Dad, do you think we bonded today?

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