Original subtitles

(CROWD CHATTERING)

WOMAN: The seas will rise up and drown the people living in the lowlands!

MAN: Doughnuts!

And the sun shall beat down and burn all those people living in the hills!

MAN: Doughnuts!

And those people living on the lands

that are neither high nor low, will also die,

from a combination of burning and drowning!

None of you are safe. The end is nigh.

Come get your doughnuts!

So, when's the world ending?

I don't know, I were listening to that doughnut guy.

It's nigh, apparently.

All right, nigh.

Hang on, doesn't that mean soon?

Well, yeah, to the people that say it, it means soon.

To everyone else it means you're a nutter talking shit.

I'm gonna get a doughnut, just in case.

(CHUCKLES)

If the world did end, I'd be bloody miffed.

I mean, I've got so much to give.

I don't know, I can see the appeal of oblivion.

- At least everyone would shut up. -(LAUGHING)

We're just broke, single dickheads anyway. What've we got to live for?

Mate, I don't know what you're talking about.

The future is going to be as peachy as shit.

- Yeah? You think? - Yeah, I do think.

We're gonna get a new flat, we'll climb the corporate ladder,

you'll get with Cynthia, I'll get with everybody else...

Mmm-hmm. And when's this happening exactly?

Well, I don't know when exactly, but it is nigh.

-It's really fucking nigh. -(CHUCKLES)

# When in Rome Do as the Romans do

# Far from home All I got is you #

How's the doughnut, then?

Oh, nasty. I don't like it.

- But you're going to finish it? - Oh, yeah.

MAN: Flags and scarves, come and get your Saturnalia flags...

Hey, guys! Isn't this wicked?

Look at all the Saturnalia stuff we've bought.

Oh, brilliant. What've you got?

So far we've got a set of wooden eggs and some tiny straw animals.

Just the essentials.

Mets, look, wind chimes! We do need some wind chimes.

But of course.

- Ah!

Shit, I'm so sorry! Are you all right?

You bloody fool!

I'm really sorry, it was an accident.

Before the year's out, you'll have an accident of your own.

What? Really?

All right, she said she was sorry.

- Do you want some? - No, thank you.

Wow, that was creepy.

MARCUS: Ah, it's probably fine.

Yeah, earlier she was banging on about the end of the world.

She's just a real wet blanket.

- Hmm. - Right, yeah.

Mad old trout.

Midnight tomorrow, my friend,

that's when it's nigh, that's when people lose their shit.

- Okay, in a good way? - Yeah, yeah.

You'll finally get with Cynthia.

Apparently, everyone rams into the Forum for the countdown and the gong-banging,

then all the girls gruff le whoever they're next to.

Why would they do that?

(EXHALES) I don't know, carnival atmosphere,

moment of madness, 'cause it's cold? Who cares?

It's no longer about who you are, it's about where you stand.

AURELIUS: Right, so let me get this straight.

Um, a hideous dog man could snog a really hot babe just by standing next to her?

Well, come along and we'll test it out.

Oh, very funny. Not. I'm busy, actually.

At Saturnalia I always volunteer at a homeless shelter.

- Wow. - Wowsers.

I did not know that. What do you do?

Well, uh, give them food, a bath, you know, a warm bed for the night.

- Why's it warm? - Are you in the bed?

- No! - Do you cuddle them in the bed?

No, of course I don't cuddle them.

- All right, you fuck them warm. - What?

Well, I don't understand. If you don't cuddle them...

I do not fuck the homeless warm.

Well, good. You'd think they'd suffered enough.

Copier, can I have this in a larger font? It's giving me a headache.

Just to clear this up,

I work in a homeless shelter at Saturnalia, it's not a sex arrangement.

Very noble, water boy.

I'd love to do something like that, but I worry I'd hate it.

And, alas, I can't!

It's my annual Saturnalia bash. I have gone a bit overboard this year.

Oh, really? Who's going?

Friends, colleagues, waifs and strays,

people I actively despise, pretty much everyone I've ever met.

I mean, how do we not fit into one of those groups?

(CHICKENS CLUCKING)

(SNIFFING)

Salve, Grumio, compliments of the season to you.

Cheers, yeah. Oh, by the way,

Marcus said I had to have a go at you about damp in one of the rooms.

Oh, right. Well, go on, then.

Okay, cool. There's damp in one of the rooms.

Yeah, it's a wet room.

Ah, wicked.

- Hmm. - I'll pass that on.

- If you would. -(SNIFFING)

Can you smell that, by the way?

What is it?

It's like someone's having a barbeque.

Oh, no, yeah, that's the temple. They get all sacrificy during Saturnalia.

So, who eats all the meat, then?

The gods.

Yeah, but who really eats it?

Oh, I guess, you know, dogs, ants

and any other animals that aren't that religious.

Bit of a waste, if you ask me.

(OINKING)

Season's greetings, Metella.

- Just say hi. - Yeah, hi.

So look, tomorrow night, we're going to the Forum

for the gong-banging thing, and you guys should definitely come.

I'm having a quiet one, thanks.

Oh, brilliant. Just Cynthia, then.

Yep, she's the reason it's quiet.

After that crone sort of, well,

cursed her, she's been terrified about having an accident.

What? That's... Cynthia?

I really wouldn't bother.

- CYNTHIA: What? Who is it? -It's Marcus.

CYNTHIA: Has he got anything jagged on him?

Just his face.

(SNIGGERS) Wow, you look cosy.

What is it Marcus? Quickly.

Okay, uh, listen, forget the whole curse thing,

come to the Forum, Saturnalia, tomorrow night.

It's going to be this massive, wild, incredibly safe party.

The Forum? Are you mad?

- I'll protect you. - I could get trampled on.

So, you can go on my shoulders.

Or I could get struck by lightning.

So... I'll go on your shoulders.

I'm not sure I can manage that.

Maybe next year.

Put a word in, I've...

Find the crone and make her reverse the curse.

Do a revere-a-curse.

Well, the crone hates us. She nearly cursed me.

Well, then, pay her off.

Or even better, get her to say something good, like,

"This year you will shag Marcus."

(CHUCKLES) That's an even worse curse.

A worse-y-curse.

(HICCUPPING) Mmm! What is this meat, Grum? It's so tasty?

Yeah? I dunno.

Okay.

Hang on, not okay. Why don't you know?

It's not from a shop.

- Okay, where's it from? - The temple.

Right, getting there. Why's it from the temple?

They sacrifice meat.

And you bought it? Or...

Nabbed it.

I see, so we're eating stolen, sacrificial meat now?

Right, and you're fine with that?

That we're chowing down on the food of the gods?

I know, it's delicious.

No, but as in it's really bad form to steal the gods' food.

The gods aren't hungry, or, you know, real.

Either way, it's not getting eaten.

Yeah, he's doing 'em a favour, he's tidying up all their loose meat.

We shouldn't be eating loose meat. We don't know what it is.

Hmm, I reckon it's chicken. It tastes like chicken.

Yeah? You know what else tastes like chicken?

Humans.

(LAUGHING) Do they even do human sacrifices any more?

Grumio, what are the chances that this is a person?

Very slim.

This is a chicken leg, Marcus. Look, there is no way that's from a human.

This person would be laughably tiny.

Hmm.

Or a baby.

(LAUGHING) No, I'm joking, I'm mucking about. It won't be a baby.

Okay, I'm finished.

Oh. Yes, thank you very much.

Because I need her to come to the Forum with us,

so if you could just tell her that she definitely won't have an accident...

But she will have an accident.

Look, if she doesn't leave the flat,

then how's she going to gruff le him?

Kiss him. Kiss me.

She will not kiss you.

No, because of you.

Because it is written.

But is it written, though?

'Cause I've got some money here

that should more than cover the whole rewriting process.

It cannot be rewritten, it is too late.

The seas are rising...

No, no, no, you've already done that one.

The people in the lowlands will drown.

No, they won't, shut up.

What are lowlands, anyway? Who says lowlands, you daft old bint?

Hey, whoa, whoa! What are you doing?

You will be forever miserable,

and your penis will be shrivelled.

Not bothered, tell me something I don't know.

He's 10 steps ahead of you, love.

Picked the wrong penis to shrivel.

This guy invented the shrivelled penis.

All right, mate, that's a bit much.

I'm just backing you up.

(BLEATING)

You know all these sacrifices...

Hmm, hmm, yes, yes, yes. What about them?

Do they come in lamb?

I'm sorry? Do they what, little buddy?

Do you do 'em in lamb?

Yes, we can sacrifice lambs. Why do you ask?

Just... I reckon the gods would be well into that chubby one there.

Right.

Well, it's good of you to take an interest.

No worries.

That's a different old crone.

- No, no, same crone, different day. - Definitely the same.

- She's a bit older. - We're all a bit older.

- And thinner. - She's been working out.

- And she's only got one arm. - Has she?

Yeah, she lost it.

Lost it?

Yeah, yesterday. You know, you win some, you lose some.

Yeah, that phrase doesn't apply to arms.

- Hmm. - See you in the new year.

Good effort.

Come on, you.

No, no, no, no. We said, "No win, no fee."

(CHANTING)

Little man.

Can I help you with something?

Have you got a doggy bag?

We don't need them. We hit the Forum anyway,

find some other girls, wait for the gong, and pounce.

- Really? Pounce? - Yeah, pounce like a cat.

- Or like a rapist? - More like a cat.

Listen, guys, why don't you come to the homeless shelter with me?

They always need a hand...

They always need a hand job?

Do you give out hand jobs?

No, okay, yeah, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

You can take the piss as much as you want, okay,

but the work that these guys do is really important.

And I feel proud to spend Saturnalia in a place

when I'm making a difference to people's lives.

Quick question, would you like to come to my Saturnalia party tonight?

- Oh, yes, yes, please. - Whoa, whoa! What about the homeless?

- I can rearrange. - You can rearrange homelessness?

They'll understand, they're used to disappointment.

-(LAUGHING) - FLAVIA: What about you two?

Or will you be too busy drinking yourselves blind

and splashing around in your own throw-up?

- We'd love to come. - FLAVIA: Marvellous!

Well, come around 7:00. And, uh, don't take this the wrong way,

but have you got any nice clothes?

- Oh, I think so. - I can rent something.

Exactly. And maybe try brushing your teeth?

(FLAVIA COUGHING)

Yes! I'm in!

It's taken five years, but I'm finally in!

(INAUDIBLE)

So, the centurion there wants to bang you up.

Aw, "fizz.

Hmm. But I have told him it ain't going to happen.

So he's backing off.

- Wicked. Ta. - Hmm.

He doesn't get how hard it is for guys like you.

You know, you're driven to this, you need to eat.

- I really do. - Mmm-hmm.

Because if people are so hungry,

if their situation is so dire,

that they need to steal religious offerings,

then that, my friend, is the fault of society.

- Bloody society. - Mmm-hmm.

Well, we're going to look after you here,

so you don't need to feel scared or hungry any more.

- Oh, okay, cool. - Mmm-hmm.

- I'm more hungry than scared, but... - Hmm, hmm. Hmm.

What's she doing out? Cynthia?

Oh, hey, there you are! Guess what?

- It's happened. - What's happened?

The accident.

- It's happened? - You know there's damp in the flats?

The water feature.

Well, it finally got too damp and this whole trunk of ceiling

just came crashing down. Isn't it brilliant?

Some call it brilliant, others all it criminal negligence.

I'm going for brilliant.

I've been asking you to deal with that for ages.

Yeah, good job I didn't.

Or I could have had an even worse accident down the line.

There you go.

So, anyway, we're now hugely pumped for tonight. You guys are still free, right?

What time did you say we'd meet the girls?

-9:00 at the doughnut stand. - Okay, perfect.

We'll put in some quality face time at Flavia's and then razz over.

- We're just popping in, right? - We'll pop for like an hour, max.

Okay, well, we've got to go. Grumio?

We're off, mate.

- And you're wearing a crown, are you? - I am, yes.

(SNIGGERING) Have you seen Grumio?

Did we put him somewhere?

And he abuses you, hmm? Your master?

- Makes me do stuff. - Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. What kind of stuff?

- Like shopping, cleaning. - Sex acts?

Any sexual abuse of any kind?

- More your verbals, your dissing and that. - Hmm, hmm, hmm.

A lot of the other guys were also raped by their masters.

- Oh, not raped, no. - Or they're in denial.

(SCOFFING) We have a little saying here with the Temple of Sabili,

"if you don't admit it's real,

"you're never gonna heal."

Hmm?

- Hmm. - Hmm. Hmm.

- Hmm. - Hmm. Hmm.

- Hmm. - Hmm. Hmm.

- Hmm. Hmm. - Hmm.

- Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm... - Hmm.

- Sorry, I don't know what's going on. - No, okay.

Well, I think you should have a little read of this.

I'll tell you all about the mission.

I think you're going to really vibe with it.

- All finished? - Yes, thank you, Brother Laurence.

Thank you, Brother Quintus.

Now, Grumio, are you ready for your rubdown?

Hmm? Hmm?

I think we might be early.

She said 7:00.

Look at you, shredder! That crown is just divine.

In you come.

Sorry, are we early?

No, no, no, you're just in time.

The guests will be arriving any moment.

And here we are. (LAUGHING)

- Uh, what do you mean guests? Have we not... - No.

Copier, if you follow water boy around

-giving out the canapés, there, look. - MARCUS: Oh, right.

- Water man. - Do try to distribute

the food as effectively as possible, because there are a couple of fat fucks

in business affairs that will attempt

to hem you in and snaffle the lot.

- Do not let them succeed! - Yes, sorry, I hadn't realised.

- What? - That we were working.

- Yes? -'Cause what time will we sort of knock off?

The guests will leave shortly after midnight,

you do the tidy-up,

I check you haven't stolen anything and you can be on your way.

- Ah, it's just... (LAUGHING) -(LAUGHING)

We were hoping to go to the Forum for the gong.

- Oh, if you want to leave at any time, you can. - Okay.

But don't bother coming back to work on Monday, okay?

So, am I doing canapés, then?

No, no, you follow me, shredder.

I have something a little more special planned for you.

Right.

BROTHER LAURENCE: How's this?

GRUMIO: Yeah. Good. Can you go a bit higher?

BROTHER LAURENCE: Like that?

Ah, yeah.

Yeah, that's class, that is.

Oh, oh, oh.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Whoa, there, okay, okay.

What are these, please?

Uh, fig rolls.

And what's this, please?

That's strawberries and cream.

Oh.

- How is it? - How do you think it is? It's creamy.

We need to get out of here, man.

Some of the guests are... Oi!

Oh, sorry.

Not there, you can't swipe there.

That's where the most cream is.

- Even so. - In the cleft.

Stay away from the cleft.

You see what I'm saying?

I mean, some people aren't even bothering with the strawberries.

- Okay, we need to get out of here. - I know, but how?

I don't know, maybe sneak out.

What? Sneak out?

I think people might notice if the cream- covered human statue tries to sneak out.

FLAVIA: Copier?

- Circulate. - Yeah, sorry, I am.

So many options.

- How's it going? - Rubbish.

It's like being at work, but in a rented toga.

-It's nearly 10:00. - Hmm.

This is dog shit. We can't stay here all night.

Yeah, but we can't leave, she'll fire us.

If we get to the Forum, there'll be the gong thing and people...

Nah, it's not worth it.

- If we meet some girls... - Hot girls?

Yes. Hot girls.

So listen, I don't like you and you don't like me,

-but if we got... - I do like you.

- Okay. Well, we need to work together. - You don't like me?

- Err... (CHUCKLING) - Why don't you like me?

We're getting bogged down now.

- I thought you liked me. - I do.

- You just said you didn't. -It's a phrase.

Not when you like someone.

Hey, I think you're great, Aurelius.

- So why did you say... - Now, help us get out of here

and you can meet the hot girls.

Hmm?

Okay, deal. What's the plan?

Cool. Uh, we need to stop the party somehow.

- Start a fire? - Oh, I've got an amazing idea.

- Okay, what is it? - Right, we start a big old ruckus.

- Keep talking. - Okay, so I'm pretty sure that

Julia from reception is having an affair

-with Balbo, the communications director. - Really?

Who's married to Livia from office admin.

So, if you tell Sextus from compliance

that Livia has been shagging Ambrosius,

and I'll tell Julia that Sextus has been getting it on with Urbana from HR,

and this place will get pretty effing nasty.

Right, definitely?

Well, at the very least the atmosphere will be awful.

'Cause I was thinking you could just

diddle the water clock and we could bring midnight forward by an hour.

Yeah, let's do that.

(BELLS TOLLING)

All right, well, thanks for the rubdown

-and the scroll and that. - Hmm, hmm, hmm.

Well, may Sabili bless you on your holy journey.

Hmm. May he bless you as well.

- Is it a he or a she? - Have you read the scroll?

- Hmm. - Hmm. Hmm?

- It's a she, innit? - Hmm-hmm.

- Because of the boobs. -(CLEARING THROAT)

Well, if you want to just pop onto the back of the cart there with the other trainees...

Ah. Right. We're gonna get dropped off, then?

I was gonna walk it.

Oh, precious, no, no, no. Up you pop.

Ah. Come on, then.

(CLOCK STRIKING)

It's time! Everybody, let's go!

-(CROWD COUNTING DOWN) - Is it midnight already?

CROWD: Seven, six, five...

Sorry, which way are we going?

'Cause I live back that way.

Oh, we're heading to the clocks. It'll only take a couple of hours. Hmm.

Right, just don't mean to be a back-seat driver or nothing,

but that is a bit of a long way round. My gaff's up there.

Well, first the docks and then on to Cyprus, hmm?

Hmm. (STAMMERING) What... What's all this about Cyprus?

Cyprus, where you'll be castrated

and continue your training at the graduate palace, hmm?

Right. Palace, oh.

That sounds... Is it hot, Cyprus?

Cyprus? Oh, very hot, yes. Very hot.

Like nice hot? Not too hot, hot, hot?

No, no, no, not too hot, hot, nice hot, oh, yes, hmm.

- Hmm. Hmm. - Hmm. Hmm.

- Hmm, cool. - Hmm.

And what's "castrated" again?

(CROWD CHEERING)

Doughnuts.

Doughnuts.

Uh, where are the hot girls? I was promised hot girls.

I don't know, they should be here by the doughnut seller.

Sorry, excuse me, mate, uh, do you know

if there are any other doughnut sellers in the Forum?

- What's wrong with my doughnuts? - Nothing.

- Salve, Marcus. - Landlord.

- Ready for the frenzy? - Yeah, they've not hit the gong yet, right?

No, any moment now. Brace yourselves.

Okay, listen, have you seen Cynthia?

I haven't seen bugger all, mate.

I've had these mushrooms that are giving me

batshit mental hallucinations and stomach cramps.

- Do you want some? - No, thanks.

- I will. - Ah, good lad.

- Covered in cream, then? - Yep.

Classic.

Are there any other doughnut sellers, Landlord, in the Forum?

Landlord? Huh?

Doughnut sellers?

Shitloads, mate.

But I've been having these quadruple visions or something, so who knows!

Okay, good luck with that.

- Hot girls, come on. - Thanks for the 'shrooms.

Yeah, no problem.

(PANTING)

Doughnuts! Doughnuts!

Hey, Cynthia!

Oh, hi, you found us.

Yeah, hi. Sorry, we got a bit lost and...

- And covered in cream. - I got covered in cream, yes.

- Lovely to meet you, I'm Aurelius. - All psyched for the gong?

Always my favourite instrument.

- I'm Aurelius. What? - All right, mate, back off.

-(TRUMPET BLOWING) - Oh, this is so exciting!

Here we go again!

CROWD: Ten, nine, eight,

seven, six, five, four, three...

GRUMIO: Marcus! CROWD: ...two, one.

- GRUMIO: Marcus! - Grumio!

(CROWD CHEERING)

Marcus?

Happy New Year.

You, too, mate.

You, too.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Shit!