Original subtitles

VICTOR: Hello, young man.

- How are you today? - MARCUS: Ah, fine.

VICTOR: Would you care to make a charitable donation towards...

MARCUS: Uh, no, thanks, sorry.

I haven't said what it's for yet.

Yeah, but it will be a no, though.

- We're in a bit of a rush. - No, we're not.

- Are we not? - Oh, well, if you're not...

Because you have that audition.

We've got loads of time.

What are you collecting for?

Our injured and retired servicemen, darling.

Here's 10 denarii.

Ten? That's quite a lot.

Thank you, love. And you, sir?

(FEIGNING LAUGHTER) Yes, okay, fine.

Uh, here's another 10, then.

Splendid. And here are your

"I helped conquer Britain" badges.

MARCUS: Thanks.

(MARCUS CLEARING THROAT)

Okay, so you're gonna have to get our money back.

Really? Why?

My family are in Britain. I'm not helping to conquer it.

Get it back.

I just don't think that's really the done thing, though.

Quickly. Please.

Before we lose him.

Okay. Sorry...

Hello?

Sorry, hi, hello again.

Umm, we didn't realise, she's actually from Britain,

so we are gonna need to get that money back.

It's already in the tin.

Yeah, but you can open the tin, though, surely?

- No. - Well, you can,

otherwise you would be able to bank it or anything.

Oh, so you're the fucking tin expert suddenly, are you?

(LAUGHING) No, no. Umm, I just, if I could just have it.

Get your bloody hands off my tin.

- I'm sure if I can just... - Get back, you little punk.

(NERVOUS LAUGHTER) All right, calm down. What's going on...

Oh. (YELLING)

Oh, my God! Help, help!

- Not the face. - CYNTHIA: Help!

Not the face!

# When in Rome Do as the Romans do

# Far from home All I got is you #

GRUMIO: It looks like your eye

is sort of growing a plum.

Right, thanks for that, Grumio.

You know, you should really report that guy.

Well, I would,

but, you know, it's a bit embarrassing, because, you know, he was

sort of older than me.

Why is that embarrassing?

Because he's much older.

How much older?

Well, it's hard to say exactly.

Yeah, but, uh, probably around 50?

Fifty years old or 50 years older?

Hmm, yeah, older.

He was in his 70s?

Well, early-70s, and he was very sprightly, to be fair to him.

Ho, ho, that's not cool.

I'm not saying it's cool, am I?

That's older than my nan, and she needs help out the bath.

Don't compare him to your nan, okay?

This guy was a veteran.

You know, he's a trained killer.

- Yeah, but trained when? Like, ages ago? -It doesn't matter, does it?

- Once you're trained, you're trained. -(EXHALES)

What did Cynthia make of it?

Well, she did dab my face.

- Hey, result. - Yeah, but then she called me a "poor lamb".

Oh, no.

I know, of all the animals.

No one wants to fuck a lamb.

(SIGHING)

- Not sure I'm really cut out for this. - STYLAX: For what?

I don't know, life.

Oh, come on, man, it will pick up.

You know, one door closes and another door opens.

You reckon? Because right now it's more like one door gets

repeatedly slammed into my nuts.

Ey-up.

So, this is the dining room/conference area.

Those tiles may look cracked,

but that's deliberate.

That's actually a mosaic.

Uh, Landlord? Sorry...

Oh, hello, boys. All right?

Yeah, fine. Sorry, who is this?

Oh, yes, uh, allow me to introduce you to Irina.

Lovely to meet you.

Hi, hello, I'm Stylax.

And what are those?

Oh, and allow me to introduce you to bananae. It's a fruit.

They're very popular back home.

I'm trying to sell them here.

Oh, amazing. Can I try a bit?

Oh, sure, of course.

(GIGGLING)

Mmm, that's gorgeous.

- Mmm... -(GIGGLING)

(MUTTERING PLAYFULLY)

Sorry? Sorry? What the hell is going on?

So, umm,

if you'd just like to step into the bathroom/study for a sec, Irina...

Here, keep it. I have many.

So, what happened to your face, then?

- He got beaten up by an old man. - Man. Just say man.

Oh, dear. How old are we talking?

- Mid-70s. -It's not important.

Why is that woman in our bathroom?

Ah, well... (CLEARING THROAT) lrina's from Thrace,

which you may have heard we've just conquered.

So now they're all flooding over here.

To our flat?

Yeah, well, she just needs something temporary

until her banana business gets going.

I was gonna send her packing,

but then I thought, "Hang on a minute,

"the boys might wanna hold onto her."

Ah, good thinking.

Right, but for nothing?

Oh, absolutely, it won't cost you a thing.

No, I mean, we pay the same rent

-and have another person living here? - Correct.

- So what's in it for us? - Well, she is.

And you know what they say about Thracian women.

- No. - What do they say?

- Dirty. - Really?

Oh, yeah, filthy in the bedroom.

So, what do you say? You interested?

- Yes, we are. - No, thank you.

A quick word, if I may.

Where we should even stay? We don't have a spare room.

No, we don't need one,

because, right hear me out, I've thought this through...

But how? We've only just met her.

Yeah, but I've had this exact fantasy loads,

right, and what we do is we give her my room

-and then I come in with you... - Ah, no.

No, no, we are not sharing a bed.

Yeah, but we won't have to, not for long.

Because, right, here's the genius bit.

Oh, I'm glad there's a genius bit.

There is. After, like, one or two nights, me and her get it on

and then I get my room back anyway.

And what if she doesn't fancy you?

Well, one, she's filthy.

Two, she does.

Even you couldn't miss those vibes.

I know you fancy her.

She had you eating out of her hand, literally.

I'm not cleaning up after someone else,

I've got enough on my plate as it is.

Okay, look, look, both of you, stop cock-blocking me.

- I'm not doing that. - I don't know how to do that.

First Cynthia's out of bounds, and now her.

It's like you're a human chastity belt, mate.

You won't rest 'til you, 'til you've

cut off my wang and locked me in a dungeon.

Okay, that is honestly not my long-term plan.

I just don't wanna live with a random fruit seller from Thrace.

Yeah, but, you know, she is exactly what this place needs.

You know, a woman's touch.

- And fruit... - Mmm.

And, uh, she's nice.

Okay, what are you basing that on?

- Irina, sorry. - Yes?

You're nice, right?

Yes, very nice.

- Yeah. -(GIGGLING)

Okay, well, that checks out.

- Please let me keep the dirty Thracian. -(MARCUS SIGHING)

I'll look after her. Come on, man.

Throw me a bone.

(SIGHING)

AURELIUS: No, I don't want to, I don't want to.

-It's nothing. (LAUGHING) - I don't like the look of it.

- I don't... - Just try a bit.

Stop trying to get it on my bloody face!

- Come on, just try a bit. - Stay away from me!

- Get it away from me! - Okay, all right. All right, chill out.

I said I don't like it.

- Why is it penis-shaped, anyway? - You're penis-shaped.

What? No, I'm not.

- You are, actually. - I'm just standing up.

- An erect penis, then. - I do not look like an erect penis.

Oh, I don't know, water boy, you are a bit of a prick.

-(LAUGHING) - Water man.

Copier, what's wrong with your face?

Yes, he claims to have slipped.

(STAMMERING) I did slip. it was an accident.

Right, that sounds suspiciously like the sort of thing abused wives say.

- What? - Has shredder been abusing you?

I would never do that.

And I clearly wouldn't be the wife out of me and him, so...

- No, you are so the wife. - I'm pretty sure you are, mate.

- There's no way I'm the wife. - Yeah, you are, you are, yes.

Put your face away, will you? It's ghastly.

- Well, it's worse for me. - Not really, you don't have to look at it.

Pop it on the table, there's a love.

- You want me to... - Pop it.

- PPP it, PPP, PPP, PPP, PPP, PPP, PPP, PPP- -Right, okay, okay.

Oh, my good Jove, shredder, what are you doing?

- I'm eating a banana. -It's a new fruit.

Well, now, that is glorious, isn't it?

- Can you get hold of one for me? - Hmm, yeah, sure.

Maybe I got you wrong, shredder. Maybe you are the wife after all.

Ha.

It'll be like a slumber party.

Having you in my bed is not a party, and I doubt I'll get to slumber.

Of course you will. I'll help you slumber.

Just think of me as a big teddy bear.

A big naked teddy bear with herpes.

Ugh. One or two nights?

Max. Two nights, max.

Oh, wow, that's come up a treat, hasn't it?

- I'm not sure it's a treat, but... - Well, it is for me.

CYNTHIA: I feel awful.

It was my fault you got duffed up in the first place.

He didn't duff me up, he just caught me by surprise.

Several times.

Yeah, they're pretty stealthy, aren't they, these 90-year-olds?

What? You said 70.

- Cynth said 90. - Yeah, well, he wasn't.

- Yeah, well, we don't know. - All right, Mets,

leave him alone, he's a poor lamb.

I'm really not a poor lamb.

I just feel bad that Cynthia missed her audition.

Oh, don't worry, I managed to re-arrange it for tomorrow.

- Oh, cool, I'll come with you. - Okay, great.

Maybe wait outside, just 'cause of the whole...

Uh, yeah, will do.

Oi-oi!

- I guess I could make my move on her tonight. -(LAUGHING)

Just sleepwalk into my old room and be, like,

"Oh, sorry, Irina, force of habit."

Uh, I don't think "force of habit" is a valid excuse for sexual assault.

Yeah. She'll probably just invite me in anyway.

- Dirty minx. -(LAUGHING)

- Where is she? She's here, right? - Oh, yeah, and then some.

How's my breath? (EXHALES)

- Oh, hot and banana-ry. - Perfect.

- Boys. - Here she is.

You are home.

Oh, hi.

Wow!

MARCUS: Really? Three?

- Hello! - Oh. Yeah.

- Umm, what? -(LAUGHING)

This is my husband, Cosmo.

- Your... - Husband.

Cosmo.

Ah, no. Hmm. Okay.

Great to meet you.

(LAUGHING)

We're going to have such fun time, huh? Huh?

(WOOD CREAKING) (IRINA MOANING)

(COSMO GRUNTING) (IRINA MOANING)

Two nights, max.

- Might take a bit longer. - Oh, you think?

This wasn't part of your fantasy, then?

That the sexy new flatmate has a massive, ponytailed husband?

Not really.

Bonkers how Landlord never mentioned him, innit?

Really bonkers, Grumio, really batshit mental.

(COSMO GRUNTING)

Oh, come on, mate, hurry up.

(COSMO GRUNTING) (IRINA MOANING)

(IRINA MOANING LOUDLY) (COSMO GRUNTING)

Oh, I think this might be the finale.

-(IRINA MOANING SOFTLY) -COSMO: Uh!

(WOOD CREAKING) (IRINA MOANING)

(COSMO GRUNTING) (IRINA MOANING)

Hmm, might be doing an encore.

(IRINA SCREAMING)

(COSMO YELLING)

(IRINA MOANS)

All right?

- Ponytail's in there. - Oh, God.

- I'm next. - Oh, no, swap with me.

- No, thanks. - Well, yes, thanks, Grumio. You're my slave.

I didn't sleep, so please swap with me.

Why didn't you sleep?

Because of you, mate.

What do you mean? I'm an ideal bedfellow.

- Are you? - Yeah.

Do you know you napsturbate?

-(LAUGHING) I do what now? - You napsturbate.

You sleep-wank.

- Shut up. - Mmm.

No one's ever mentioned it before.

No one's ever hung around to find out.

Did I get to the end?

- I didn't watch. - You did, yeah.

- Ha! Morning. - All right.

- I have left anus cloth next to sink. - Right, cool.

What's an anus cloth?

Do you mean my face flannel?

Have a nice day.

I'd leave that for a bit, if I were you.

Okay, you can go first.

(INHALING)

I had no idea there was a husband.

Well, I think you did.

I think you led us into a honey trap.

How dare you! I did no such thing.

You said Thracian women were dirty.

They are very dirty, but also very faithful.

That's a terrible combination.

Not for the Thracian blokes, they bloody love it.

Okay, well, we want the Thracians out of our flat, okay?

They're noisy and they leave their fruit everywhere...

Ah, now you're being Thracist.

- What? No, I'm not. - No, I'm not having Thracism in my building.

Those guys have suffered, mate, they've been invaded.

And now we've been invaded.

Exactly. Serves us right.

The bottom line is, lads, you wanted her, you keep her. And him.

Yeah, but for how long? You said this was temporary.

Well, that depends on their banana business.

I mean, if it takes off, then so will they.

Off you go, then.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Introducing bananae.

The hip, new, yellow

fruit snack that gives

you energy and friends.

- Oh, does it? - Yeah.

- This hand-held super-food... - Hmm.

...Is this season's must-eat for all thrill-seeking execs.

Ask Stylax for them now.

Ah.

You realise I can't put out an advertisement as a memo.

- It's not an advertisement. - I'm afraid it is

if you're telling people to ask Stylax for them now.

Okay. Umm, what about if we put a question mark at the end?

So it was like,

"Ask Stylax for them now?"

Oh, yes, all right.

Would you not like to mention their shape?

Ah, no, you're all right.

We meet at last.

- Shredder, do you mind. - What's that?

I don't want you looking at me when I'm eating it.

- Oh, right, shall I? - No, stay, just...

turn around.

- You have to peel it. - I know, I know you have to peel it.

They're high in energy and, um, yellow...

Shh...

(GIGGLES WITH DELIGHT)

- Do you like them? - Yes.

Yes, I do.

- So, maybe if you order some more in... - Oh, I will.

This is exactly what the workforce needs

-to defeat the mid-afternoon slump. - Oh, big time.

- Shredder. - What?

Can you get me a shed-load more?

Don't take it personally.

I don't, it's just dispiriting that so many auditions are fixed.

By "fixed", you mean someone else gets the part?

Yeah, exactly.

Help our brave boys.

- CYNTHIA: Oh, Marcus, there he is. - Oh, shit.

Him? What, that frail old man there?

He's deceptive sprightly. Can we just go, please, before he sees us?

He won't see us, he's probably got cataracts if he's in his 80s.

He's late-60s, tops.

Help our boys, sweetheart?

I think I've already helped quite enough, thank you.

Do you mind if I ask you how old you are, please?

I'm too old for you, darling. I'm 79.

- He's basically 80. -70s, he's in his 70s.

Help our brave boys abroad, sir?

Just get out my face, yeah.

Oh, it's you.

Oh, that's come up nice and shiny, hasn't it?

Yeah, just piss off, you knob.

Oh, so you're a tough guy now, are you?

Ignore him, Marcus, just walk away.

Yeah, that's right, Marcus, jog on, mate.

You got something to say, have you?

You little pussy.

-(GRUNTING) -Oh!

What the hell did you do that for?

He's an old man, you bloody psychopath!

He called me a pussy, and you were teasing me the whole time.

So it's okay to deck him?

Oh, so, what, I'm pathetic for being beaten up by an old man,

but I'm a monster for beating him up?

I mean, what am I supposed to do?

Neither, you're meant to do neither.

(STAMMERING)

Ah, come on.

- Oh, man, that's even less cool. - I know.

It went down really badly.

Yeah, well, clearly the only thing worse than being attacked by an old man

is attacking an old man.

Well, so what am I meant to do if he really wants to fight me?

- You just wait it out. - Just wait it out?

- What, until he dies? - Yeah, that's what you do, you outlive him.

I'm not even sure I would, mate.

He was so fucking sprightly.

Well, tonight, why don't we try sleeping toppy-tail?

Uh, I'm not worried about your top or your tail.

- It's that area there. - Oi.

- Hello. - Hiya.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Is this our flat?

Get off me.

Grumio,

why does our flat look like a community centre?

GRUMIO: They invited some more Thracians round.

They were all right at first, then it all got a bit much.

I'll say! It's bloody heaving.

Stylax, come here.

Come meet my sister Eva.

- This is my sister Eva. - EVA: Hello.

Hiya. My name's Stylax. Yeah.

And her husband Gregor.

Right, yeah.

- Sorry. Cosmo? - Yeah?

- What's this? - We have get-together.

-(LAUGHING) - Well, can I, I've got some food l wanna cook.

No, no. No space in kitchen.

But we have food.

What have you got?

Banana fritter, banana cakes,

a Thracian dish called galvinta. Mmm.

- What's galvinta? - Secret recipe.

- Banana-based? - Yes.

This my friend Carlotta.

- Hey. I'm Stylax. - Hi.

- Lovely to meet you. - And her husband Angelos.

Yep, thought so.

Mushroom, Mushroom, over here.

- What does that mean? - For wrestle.

They keep trying to get me to wrestle that slippery lad.

Come on, Mushroom, he's only boy.

And calling me Mushroom.

And this is my cousin Petra.

Her husband passed away recently.

Okay, cool. Uh, Stylax. Lovely to meet you.

So she cannot touch a man for one year.

Yep, obviously.

(CHANTING) Mushroom, Mushroom, Mushroom...

IRINA: Oh, look.

CROWD: (CHANTING) Mushroom, Mushroom...

Look at the Mushroom.

(CHANTING CONTINUES)

One, two, three.

(MUSIC PLAYING) (PEOPLE CHATTERING)

You really should be able to take a 10-year-old boy, Grumio.

There's no way that beast were 10.

He were at least 12.

Can't live like this.

These people are awful.

And I'm not Thracist, just really want them out of my flat.

Yeah, they'll be gone soon.

A couple more big banana orders from work and they're out of here.

- You know, two days... - Don't say it.

Don't say anything. Don't speak to me ever again.

This is a new fucking low.

(MARCUS SIGHING)

Oh, bloody hell, what's he doing?

Mate, no. This isn't the toilet.

Hello, Mushroom.

(GROANS)

(WHISPERING) Two days, max.

Water? Water?

Oh, fuck. Ah!

Ah! (GROANING)

The banana jacket is an accident waiting to happen.

Except it's already happened.

Right, okay, it's an accident waiting to happen again.

Can you not just look where you're going, water boy?

No, not if I'm carrying the jug, no. Water man.

These things are a health-and-safety nightmare.

He just doesn't like them 'cause they're shaped like a penis.

- It is not that! it isn't that, actually. - Mmm-hmm. Yep.

I insist that you ban them

or I will tell head office

that you're putting the safety of the staff at risk. I will.

- Fine, have it your way. - No, wait.

As of now, I am banning bananae, they are bananned.

Do not bring them into the office.

- Now get out. - Thank you for your time.

But they're so tasty and hip.

The deals off, shredder, I'm banning them.

Immediately after I've had this last one.

Out.

So that's that, then. We're basically stuck with these fuckers.

Looks like it.

- But you know, it'll get better. - Oh, it won't.

Of course it will.

After a time we'll adapt to their ways and customs

and maybe even meet some single Thracian women

who can be filthy and loyal to us.

MAN: (SHOUTING) Make way.

Shit, get down. Down.

Halt.

(COMMANDS)

Marcus Gallo live here?

What do you want him for?

The evil bastard attacked a veteran, put him in hospital.

Any idea where he is?

Oh, yeah, he's right in here.

He's that one wi' ponytail.

Thank you.

Come on, boys.

These big oldies all come barrelling in. Then one of them, like,

flung him about by his ponytail.

- What was Irina doing? - She was sort of squealing,

but not like before.

This were less sexy, more angry.

- And then they just left? - Just packed their bags and buggered off.

-(LAUGHING) Awesome. - Is it awesome, though,

that we had an innocent guy beaten up?

Yeah. He was really annoying.

I'm not sure that's enough.

- Yeah, with all the kissing. - And the wrestling.

Did you see the size of his shits?

They were bigger than me.

I suppose it will be nice to have my bed back,

without the herpes-ridden teddy bear wanking in it.

There you go. This couldn't be any better.

(GASPING) Oh, they didn't leave any bananae, did they?

No, sorry.

But I did find this under the bed.

- What the hell is that? - Haven't got a clue.

It's worth a try, though, isn't it?

Go for it.

Yeah, it's not bad, that.