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1
00:00:06,067 --> 00:00:08,232
Are you reading your own
John Stuart Mill book?
2
00:00:08,233 --> 00:00:09,774
I finally convinced
the university
3
00:00:09,775 --> 00:00:11,024
to let me teach a class
on Mill,
4
00:00:11,025 --> 00:00:13,149
so I'm brushing up
on my favorite anecdotes.
5
00:00:13,150 --> 00:00:15,941
Wrote a history of Rome
at age 6
6
00:00:15,942 --> 00:00:17,566
the scamp.
That's it.
7
00:00:17,567 --> 00:00:19,607
We're losing the swear jar
and getting a dork jar.
8
00:00:19,608 --> 00:00:21,316
You owe a quarter
for "scamp."
9
00:00:21,317 --> 00:00:22,816
I'm getting a hot tub
next month.
10
00:00:22,817 --> 00:00:24,482
But it might not get
off the ground.
11
00:00:24,483 --> 00:00:26,357
Only a few students
have signed up so far.
12
00:00:26,358 --> 00:00:28,024
You want to fill up
the class?
13
00:00:28,025 --> 00:00:30,649
Just teach a subject kids
care about.
14
00:00:30,650 --> 00:00:32,774
Like water slides
or skateboard fails.
15
00:00:32,775 --> 00:00:34,274
Good tips. Helpful.
16
00:00:34,275 --> 00:00:35,899
Uh-huh.
17
00:00:35,900 --> 00:00:37,232
You're still reading
"Gone Girl"?
18
00:00:37,233 --> 00:00:38,732
Don't say it
like that.
19
00:00:38,733 --> 00:00:40,566
It's been years!
Ohh.
20
00:00:40,567 --> 00:00:42,691
You checked that out
on my library card.
21
00:00:42,692 --> 00:00:44,816
They're gonna revoke
my microfiche privileges!
22
00:00:44,817 --> 00:00:47,274
Another quarter.
And it's not my fault.
23
00:00:47,275 --> 00:00:50,107
Every time I pick it up,
a child interrupts me.
24
00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:52,732
Is my breath really that bad?
25
00:00:53,983 --> 00:00:55,649
What's my Social Security
number?
26
00:00:55,650 --> 00:00:57,232
A Nigerian prince needs it.
27
00:00:57,233 --> 00:00:59,482
Mom, is my nose bleeding?
28
00:00:59,483 --> 00:01:02,066
And then there's
the "I can't find my"s.
29
00:01:02,067 --> 00:01:03,357
Mom, I can't find my...
30
00:01:03,358 --> 00:01:04,316
- Backpack.
- Jacket.
31
00:01:04,317 --> 00:01:05,274
- Sneaker.
- Headphones.
32
00:01:05,275 --> 00:01:06,649
- Toothbrush.
- Other sneaker.
33
00:01:06,650 --> 00:01:07,649
- Turtle.
- Sunglasses.
34
00:01:07,650 --> 00:01:08,607
- Lucky socks.
- Keys.
35
00:01:08,608 --> 00:01:10,107
- Cufflinks.
- Lucky earrings.
36
00:01:10,108 --> 00:01:11,024
- Lipstick.
- Ascot.
37
00:01:11,025 --> 00:01:12,691
- Lucky hairband.
- Sunglasses.
38
00:01:12,692 --> 00:01:14,024
- Shoehorn.
- Lucky cough drop.
39
00:01:14,025 --> 00:01:14,899
- Charger.
- Charger.
40
00:01:14,900 --> 00:01:16,024
Lucky charger.
41
00:01:16,025 --> 00:01:18,149
I haven't had a moment
to myself
42
00:01:18,150 --> 00:01:20,107
since Taylor kicked out
my mucus plug.
43
00:01:20,108 --> 00:01:21,441
Lovely.
44
00:01:21,442 --> 00:01:23,024
One of you has
to take me driving.
45
00:01:23,025 --> 00:01:25,107
I need 40 hours
to get my license.
46
00:01:25,108 --> 00:01:26,816
I can't even complain
about being interrupted
47
00:01:26,817 --> 00:01:27,982
without being interrupted!
48
00:01:27,983 --> 00:01:29,607
There is nowhere
that I can go
49
00:01:29,608 --> 00:01:31,691
to get away
from these people.
50
00:01:31,692 --> 00:01:34,066
I decided what I wanted
for my big girl room.
51
00:01:34,067 --> 00:01:36,941
Direct your eyes
to my vision board.
52
00:01:36,942 --> 00:01:39,357
It's Jackie O's
5th Avenue Apartment.
53
00:01:39,358 --> 00:01:41,982
I loved her ever since I saw her
in the Zapruder Film.
54
00:01:41,983 --> 00:01:43,316
We don't have money
for new furniture,
55
00:01:43,317 --> 00:01:45,316
but you are free to use whatever
you find around the house.
56
00:01:45,317 --> 00:01:46,816
There's a bunch of old furniture
in the basement.
57
00:01:46,817 --> 00:01:48,107
If we don't have
any money,
58
00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:50,067
then why does Taylor
have that fancy new hoodie?
59
00:01:53,192 --> 00:01:54,649
Didn't Trip buy that
for her?
60
00:01:54,650 --> 00:01:57,524
No. She bought it with the money
she took from your wallet.
61
00:01:58,650 --> 00:01:59,941
Taylor, is that true?
62
00:01:59,942 --> 00:02:01,649
You said I could take a $20,
so I did!
63
00:02:01,650 --> 00:02:03,316
Three times.
64
00:02:03,317 --> 00:02:04,857
I'll pay you back!
With what?
65
00:02:04,858 --> 00:02:06,774
With my future
famous-person money.
66
00:02:06,775 --> 00:02:07,691
Oh!
67
00:02:07,692 --> 00:02:09,191
As long
as you have a plan.
68
00:02:09,192 --> 00:02:09,941
Thank you.
69
00:02:09,942 --> 00:02:11,191
You're grounded.
70
00:02:11,192 --> 00:02:13,357
Why couldn't you mind
your own stupid business?
71
00:02:13,358 --> 00:02:15,732
I'm 10!
My business is boring!
72
00:02:15,733 --> 00:02:18,024
If Taylor gets a hoodie,
I want a driving instructor.
73
00:02:18,025 --> 00:02:19,607
Well, we all want things,
Oliver.
74
00:02:19,608 --> 00:02:21,316
I want to finish this book
before cataracts
75
00:02:21,317 --> 00:02:22,649
make my eyes explode,
76
00:02:22,650 --> 00:02:24,024
but I don't think
that's gonna happen.
77
00:02:25,942 --> 00:02:27,191
That's a library book!
78
00:02:27,192 --> 00:02:28,608
Another quarter.
79
00:02:36,442 --> 00:02:38,732
Okay, Lonnie,
you were 19 years old
80
00:02:38,733 --> 00:02:40,066
{\an8}and the biggest thing
on the Internet.
81
00:02:40,067 --> 00:02:42,149
{\an8}What did you do with
your first check from YouTube?
82
00:02:42,150 --> 00:02:44,941
{\an8}I bought a small town in Wyoming
and renamed it "Fartsville."
83
00:02:44,942 --> 00:02:46,482
{\an8}They just got
an Applebee's.
84
00:02:46,483 --> 00:02:48,274
Hey, after work,
85
00:02:48,275 --> 00:02:50,274
{\an8}can you come with me
to the aquarium?
86
00:02:50,275 --> 00:02:51,732
{\an8}I need you to distract
the guards
87
00:02:51,733 --> 00:02:52,816
while I jump
into the shark tank.
88
00:02:52,817 --> 00:02:53,982
Why on Earth
would you do that?
89
00:02:53,983 --> 00:02:55,274
{\an8}Got to, bruh.
90
00:02:55,275 --> 00:02:57,149
{\an8}There's this new guy chomping
at my likes on YouTube,
91
00:02:57,150 --> 00:02:58,399
{\an8}Johnny Goodwin.
92
00:02:58,400 --> 00:02:59,774
{\an8}So I have to do
something huge,
93
00:02:59,775 --> 00:03:02,191
{\an8}or Johnny's gonna snake my spot
as most-watched YouTuber.
94
00:03:02,192 --> 00:03:03,817
{\an8}Look at this.
Come here.
95
00:03:07,983 --> 00:03:09,357
Did he just throw
a live crocodile
96
00:03:09,358 --> 00:03:10,357
into that man's bath?
97
00:03:10,358 --> 00:03:11,816
That's his dad.
98
00:03:11,817 --> 00:03:13,774
Yeah.
He does tons of dad videos.
99
00:03:13,775 --> 00:03:15,524
It's spectacular content, yo.
100
00:03:15,525 --> 00:03:16,941
{\an8}His dad could have lost
any number
101
00:03:16,942 --> 00:03:18,566
{\an8}of very important
body parts.
102
00:03:18,567 --> 00:03:20,941
{\an8}My pops is not a team player
like that,
103
00:03:20,942 --> 00:03:22,316
{\an8}so I got to go in
with the sharks.
104
00:03:22,317 --> 00:03:23,607
{\an8}I forbid it.
105
00:03:23,608 --> 00:03:25,691
{\an8}As long as you're spending time
under my roof,
106
00:03:25,692 --> 00:03:27,107
you're not going
to do anything stupid.
107
00:03:27,108 --> 00:03:28,524
{\an8}And before you retort,
let me be clear--
108
00:03:28,525 --> 00:03:30,107
{\an8}it is not Opposite Day
109
00:03:30,108 --> 00:03:31,607
and will never be
Opposite Day.
110
00:03:31,608 --> 00:03:32,692
Hold up.
111
00:03:34,858 --> 00:03:37,107
You could be my old dude.
No.
112
00:03:37,108 --> 00:03:38,566
{\an8}People already know you
on my channel
113
00:03:38,567 --> 00:03:39,732
{\an8}as Professor Badonkadonk.
114
00:03:39,733 --> 00:03:40,899
{\an8}I'm not crazy about that.
115
00:03:40,900 --> 00:03:42,107
{\an8}I'm not a Badonkadonk.
116
00:03:42,108 --> 00:03:43,691
{\an8}I have
a normal-sized fanny.
117
00:03:43,692 --> 00:03:45,482
{\an8}If I'm not getting the most
likes when our book comes out,
118
00:03:45,483 --> 00:03:46,941
{\an8}that's bad for sales.
119
00:03:46,942 --> 00:03:48,357
Yeah, but--
Which is bad for your bonus.
120
00:03:48,358 --> 00:03:50,982
{\an8}But--
Which means you spent
the last five months with me
121
00:03:50,983 --> 00:03:53,191
{\an8}getting pelted with paintballs
for no reason.
122
00:03:53,192 --> 00:03:54,399
Yeah,
I still don't think--
123
00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:55,524
No reason!
124
00:03:55,525 --> 00:03:58,274
Ow!
No reason!
125
00:03:58,275 --> 00:04:00,524
Ow!
Okay, I'll help you!
126
00:04:00,525 --> 00:04:02,774
{\an8}Yeah! The Donks is in!
127
00:04:02,775 --> 00:04:04,982
{\an8}Come here, let me give
that ginormous ass a slap.
128
00:04:04,983 --> 00:04:06,107
It's not that big!
129
00:04:08,775 --> 00:04:11,191
{\an8}Oliver wants driving lessons,
130
00:04:11,192 --> 00:04:13,482
{\an8}and Anna-Kat and Taylor
are at each other's throats.
131
00:04:13,483 --> 00:04:15,482
{\an8}I don't have a second
for myself.
132
00:04:15,483 --> 00:04:17,774
{\an8}Well, with the divorce and
splitting the kids with Richard,
133
00:04:17,775 --> 00:04:19,816
{\an8}all I have is time.
Me too.
134
00:04:19,817 --> 00:04:21,649
{\an8}Yesterday, I played "Fortnite"
on my kids' Xbox.
135
00:04:21,650 --> 00:04:23,482
{\an8}Oh.
I had 18 kills,
136
00:04:23,483 --> 00:04:25,732
then I got shot by a 9-year-old
dressed like a banana.
137
00:04:25,733 --> 00:04:27,607
{\an8}Ohh.
Divorce is amazing.
138
00:04:27,608 --> 00:04:29,899
{\an8}The only downside is that,
if you fall in the shower,
139
00:04:29,900 --> 00:04:31,232
your kids are gonna find you
naked.
140
00:04:31,233 --> 00:04:32,524
I'm not divorcing Greg.
141
00:04:32,525 --> 00:04:34,900
Well, I can't help you
with Taylor and...
142
00:04:37,067 --> 00:04:39,066
Anna-Kat.
143
00:04:39,067 --> 00:04:40,232
Yeah, Anna-Kat.
144
00:04:40,233 --> 00:04:41,732
Uh, but I will take Oliver
driving.
145
00:04:41,733 --> 00:04:43,357
Thank you, and why?
146
00:04:43,358 --> 00:04:44,649
Yeah,
you can't stand him.
147
00:04:44,650 --> 00:04:46,899
Uh, well,
he's fun to yell at.
148
00:04:46,900 --> 00:04:49,357
He doesn't cry, but his eyes
get all glisteny like I like.
149
00:04:59,942 --> 00:05:01,566
Oh, dear!
150
00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:07,857
But, seriously, folks,
gorillas are endangered.
151
00:05:07,858 --> 00:05:09,857
Recycle, yo.
152
00:05:14,692 --> 00:05:16,232
Oh, dear!
153
00:05:17,442 --> 00:05:19,857
Yes!
154
00:05:19,858 --> 00:05:21,774
Disclaimer--
no humans were harmed
155
00:05:21,775 --> 00:05:22,982
during the filming
of this video.
156
00:05:22,983 --> 00:05:24,857
My tailbone.
157
00:05:28,275 --> 00:05:30,524
Oh [bleep] dear!
158
00:05:34,233 --> 00:05:36,857
Oh, dear.
159
00:05:36,858 --> 00:05:39,357
You gots to be ready
for the second gorilla, Donks.
160
00:05:39,358 --> 00:05:42,232
You gots to!
161
00:05:42,233 --> 00:05:43,607
Forget
Johnny Goodwin's dad.
162
00:05:43,608 --> 00:05:45,066
You are racking up
the likes!
163
00:05:45,067 --> 00:05:47,024
Yeah.
As long as we keep
doing videos like these,
164
00:05:47,025 --> 00:05:49,941
our book sales are going to be
as fat as that ass.
165
00:05:49,942 --> 00:05:52,316
It's normal-sized!
166
00:05:52,317 --> 00:05:53,982
By the way, you don't have
a pacemaker, do you?
167
00:05:53,983 --> 00:05:54,982
You're not tasing me.
168
00:05:56,192 --> 00:05:57,232
You know what?
169
00:05:57,233 --> 00:05:58,399
Kate's right--
170
00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:01,316
sometimes, you can be
exhausting, bruh.
171
00:06:05,108 --> 00:06:07,274
Where did you get that?
172
00:06:07,275 --> 00:06:08,857
I found it
in the basement.
173
00:06:08,858 --> 00:06:11,607
Your dad and I used to have this
in our first apartment,
174
00:06:11,608 --> 00:06:13,816
before we had kids.
175
00:06:13,817 --> 00:06:15,525
Let me get in there.
176
00:06:18,317 --> 00:06:21,482
I loved this chair.
177
00:06:21,483 --> 00:06:24,399
I used to take naps in it
and read books.
178
00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:26,274
Books? Really?
179
00:06:26,275 --> 00:06:28,732
Huh. It's like learning you used
to be a figure skater.
180
00:06:28,733 --> 00:06:30,066
I know it's hard
to believe,
181
00:06:30,067 --> 00:06:32,816
but before I had kids,
my brain used to work.
182
00:06:32,817 --> 00:06:34,149
Was there anything else
down there?
183
00:06:34,150 --> 00:06:36,649
Oh, yeah. A bunch of other
weird old stuff,
184
00:06:36,650 --> 00:06:38,399
lot of photos and baby junk
taking up
185
00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:40,441
perfectly good
fallout-shelter real estate.
186
00:06:47,567 --> 00:06:49,316
There.
187
00:06:49,317 --> 00:06:52,774
Now it looks exactly like
the old studio apartment
188
00:06:52,775 --> 00:06:54,107
Dad and I lived in.
189
00:06:54,108 --> 00:06:56,316
None of this was
on my vision board.
190
00:06:56,317 --> 00:06:59,357
And I don't believe Jackie O
had a hot-dog toaster.
191
00:06:59,358 --> 00:07:01,899
When is Doris
gonna take me driving?
192
00:07:01,900 --> 00:07:03,607
Mom,
there's a party tonight.
193
00:07:03,608 --> 00:07:05,982
Can't you be cool and ground me
some other time?
194
00:07:05,983 --> 00:07:09,274
Hey. You wanna hear the most
beautiful sound in the world?
195
00:07:09,275 --> 00:07:10,941
Yeah.
196
00:07:10,942 --> 00:07:13,316
Mom!
Hey!
Seriously?!
197
00:07:13,317 --> 00:07:14,566
Mom, it's my room!
When is Doris
gonna take me driving?!
198
00:07:14,567 --> 00:07:16,274
Why can't I go
to the party?!
199
00:07:16,275 --> 00:07:20,524
♪ Somebody once told me
the world is gonna roll me ♪
200
00:07:20,525 --> 00:07:22,732
♪ I ain't the sharpest tool
in the shed ♪
201
00:07:24,900 --> 00:07:26,816
♪ She was looking kind of dumb ♪
202
00:07:26,817 --> 00:07:29,149
♪ With her finger
and her thumb ♪
203
00:07:29,150 --> 00:07:34,149
♪ In the shape of an "L"
on her forehead ♪
204
00:07:34,150 --> 00:07:35,733
♪ Hey, now,
you're an all-star ♪
205
00:07:42,108 --> 00:07:43,941
If you have a complaint, demand,
a question
206
00:07:43,942 --> 00:07:46,024
about anything other
than last night's episode
207
00:07:46,025 --> 00:07:47,817
of "The Bachelor,"
I'm not here!
208
00:07:48,900 --> 00:07:51,191
What's going on in--
209
00:07:51,192 --> 00:07:52,399
This looks like
our old apartment.
210
00:07:52,400 --> 00:07:53,941
Isn't it amazing?
211
00:07:53,942 --> 00:07:54,982
It is.
212
00:07:54,983 --> 00:07:57,232
Plus...
213
00:07:57,233 --> 00:07:59,732
I saw Lonnie Googling,
"How poisonous are scorpions?"
214
00:07:59,733 --> 00:08:01,649
So it's nice to be
in a safe place right now.
215
00:08:01,650 --> 00:08:05,066
Oh, my God,
the tiki bar.
216
00:08:05,067 --> 00:08:06,857
The easy charm
of French Polynesia
217
00:08:06,858 --> 00:08:09,732
with none of
the painful colonialist scars.
218
00:08:09,733 --> 00:08:12,441
The lamp I used to hit
my head on.
219
00:08:12,442 --> 00:08:14,941
The chair we accidentally made
Taylor in.
220
00:08:14,942 --> 00:08:16,399
The old VCR!
221
00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:19,482
It still has "How to Make an
American Quilt" jammed inside.
222
00:08:19,483 --> 00:08:21,149
I think, of all the group
sewing movies,
223
00:08:21,150 --> 00:08:22,691
that one is my favorite.
Mm.
224
00:08:22,692 --> 00:08:23,732
So, what does Anna-Kat think
of her new room?
225
00:08:23,733 --> 00:08:25,566
Bup-bup-bup-bup! Hup!
226
00:08:25,567 --> 00:08:28,982
We don't have kids yet, Greg.
It's 1999.
227
00:08:28,983 --> 00:08:32,232
My only obligation
is to finally finish this book.
228
00:08:32,233 --> 00:08:35,482
My devil sticks!
229
00:08:35,483 --> 00:08:36,982
I used to rock these.
230
00:08:36,983 --> 00:08:38,150
Hup!
231
00:08:41,817 --> 00:08:43,482
I'm not going through this
again.
232
00:08:47,858 --> 00:08:50,482
Wow, you're giving me
driving lessons in a Bentley?
233
00:08:50,483 --> 00:08:52,482
Mm-hmm.
234
00:08:52,483 --> 00:08:54,941
Hey!
Stop groping my car, perv!
235
00:08:54,942 --> 00:08:56,441
Get in.
236
00:08:58,983 --> 00:09:00,316
You're not sitting up here
with me?
237
00:09:00,317 --> 00:09:01,649
No.
238
00:09:01,650 --> 00:09:03,899
You know I don't like
being around you.
239
00:09:03,900 --> 00:09:05,316
Then why did you offer
to drive with me?
240
00:09:05,317 --> 00:09:07,024
I'm getting
dental work done.
241
00:09:07,025 --> 00:09:08,899
They're putting me under
and say I need someone I know
242
00:09:08,900 --> 00:09:10,524
to drive me home.
Why me?
243
00:09:10,525 --> 00:09:12,524
Because the procedure
takes three hours,
244
00:09:12,525 --> 00:09:14,191
and I didn't want
to make anyone wait.
245
00:09:14,192 --> 00:09:15,732
Your time
is worth nothing.
246
00:09:15,733 --> 00:09:16,816
Drive!
247
00:09:23,692 --> 00:09:24,774
Where am I going?
248
00:09:24,775 --> 00:09:26,357
Just get on the Parkway.
249
00:09:26,358 --> 00:09:28,274
Oh, no, I only know how
to drive on regular streets.
250
00:09:28,275 --> 00:09:29,274
Take the Parkway.
251
00:09:29,275 --> 00:09:30,149
I'm not ready.
252
00:09:30,150 --> 00:09:31,607
The Parkway!
253
00:09:31,608 --> 00:09:33,024
You're right.
Studies show that screaming
254
00:09:33,025 --> 00:09:35,107
improves both confidence
and cognition.
255
00:09:35,108 --> 00:09:37,024
Stop overthinking it
and just go!
256
00:09:37,025 --> 00:09:38,941
You're a bully,
and I won't be bullied.
257
00:09:38,942 --> 00:09:40,274
I help kids deal
with people like you
258
00:09:40,275 --> 00:09:41,649
every day
at Teen Help Line.
259
00:09:41,650 --> 00:09:43,941
Ugh! Teen Help Line.
260
00:09:43,942 --> 00:09:46,316
This is how every call
should go.
261
00:09:46,317 --> 00:09:48,441
"Thanks for calling
Teen Help Line.
262
00:09:48,442 --> 00:09:50,524
Time to sack up, loser!"
263
00:09:57,317 --> 00:09:58,774
I did it!
264
00:09:58,775 --> 00:10:00,774
I finally finished
"Gone Girl."
265
00:10:00,775 --> 00:10:02,149
Well?
Didn't care for it.
266
00:10:02,150 --> 00:10:03,691
Should have just watched
the movie.
267
00:10:03,692 --> 00:10:05,941
At least I would have seen
some Affleck peen.
268
00:10:05,942 --> 00:10:08,191
Should we go back out
in the real world?
269
00:10:08,192 --> 00:10:09,691
I have to work on
the John Stuart Mill syllabus
270
00:10:09,692 --> 00:10:11,441
for my three students.
271
00:10:11,442 --> 00:10:14,524
Or we could stay in here
a bit longer.
272
00:10:14,525 --> 00:10:17,274
What else did we used to do
back then?
273
00:10:17,275 --> 00:10:18,649
We still do that now.
274
00:10:18,650 --> 00:10:20,149
Not the way we used to.
275
00:10:20,150 --> 00:10:21,649
Well, if we're gonna do it
that way,
276
00:10:21,650 --> 00:10:23,066
I need 15 minutes
to stretch.
277
00:10:28,775 --> 00:10:30,982
I like
post-dental surgery Doris.
278
00:10:30,983 --> 00:10:32,316
I've been driving
for 10 minutes,
279
00:10:32,317 --> 00:10:33,899
and you haven't pointed out
any of the places
280
00:10:33,900 --> 00:10:37,024
I'm gonna start balding.
281
00:10:37,025 --> 00:10:39,941
I can't believe
he just walked out.
282
00:10:39,942 --> 00:10:41,649
He didn't even want
to work on it.
283
00:10:41,650 --> 00:10:42,941
The dentist?
284
00:10:42,942 --> 00:10:44,607
What is going on
in your mouth?
285
00:10:44,608 --> 00:10:46,857
No. Richard.
286
00:10:46,858 --> 00:10:48,941
Just forget I said anything, okay?
287
00:10:48,942 --> 00:10:50,774
I'm all sideways
from the nitrous.
288
00:10:50,775 --> 00:10:53,857
And I might've taken a few
pre-game anti-anxiety pals.
289
00:10:53,858 --> 00:10:55,482
Pills.
290
00:10:55,483 --> 00:10:57,524
No, they're my pals.
291
00:10:57,525 --> 00:10:59,399
If you want to talk about it,
I'm here to listen.
292
00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:00,982
Do not
Teen Help Line me,
293
00:11:00,983 --> 00:11:04,732
or I will
teen face punch you.
294
00:11:04,733 --> 00:11:07,191
Richard should be
driving me home.
295
00:11:07,192 --> 00:11:10,524
He was my
"in case of emergency" contact.
296
00:11:10,525 --> 00:11:13,524
Now you are! Ugh!
297
00:11:13,525 --> 00:11:15,649
And I thought sleeping
with my dog's allergist
298
00:11:15,650 --> 00:11:17,691
was rock bottom...
299
00:11:17,692 --> 00:11:19,232
Why didn't you call my mom
or Angela?
300
00:11:19,233 --> 00:11:21,066
I didn't want
their pity.
301
00:11:21,067 --> 00:11:22,941
I'm always telling them
how divorce
302
00:11:22,942 --> 00:11:25,191
and all the free time I have now
is amazing.
303
00:11:25,192 --> 00:11:26,524
But it's not.
304
00:11:26,525 --> 00:11:28,649
It's really lonely.
305
00:11:28,650 --> 00:11:31,191
Well, the best thing to do
is talk about your feelings.
306
00:11:31,192 --> 00:11:32,982
You know, get out--
There's a gun
in my glove compartment!
307
00:11:32,983 --> 00:11:33,775
Shoot me with it!
308
00:11:36,150 --> 00:11:38,357
Alright.
309
00:11:38,358 --> 00:11:39,899
You were saying?
310
00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:41,524
You may not be able
to see it now,
311
00:11:41,525 --> 00:11:42,607
but you're lucky.
312
00:11:42,608 --> 00:11:45,066
You've got close friends.
313
00:11:45,067 --> 00:11:47,191
And if you stop pretending to be
so tough all the time
314
00:11:47,192 --> 00:11:48,607
and open up to them,
315
00:11:48,608 --> 00:11:50,941
I'm confident that,
with their help,
316
00:11:50,942 --> 00:11:52,357
you'll be able
to move on from Richard
317
00:11:52,358 --> 00:11:54,900
and have a fulfilling,
happy life.
318
00:11:58,442 --> 00:11:59,566
Holy crap!
319
00:11:59,567 --> 00:12:00,607
What?!
320
00:12:00,608 --> 00:12:01,816
You're on the Parkway.
321
00:12:01,817 --> 00:12:03,816
Hey, I am.
322
00:12:03,817 --> 00:12:05,024
Guess I was so busy
talking to you,
323
00:12:05,025 --> 00:12:06,982
I didn't think about it.
324
00:12:06,983 --> 00:12:09,024
I'm driving
on the Parkway.
325
00:12:09,025 --> 00:12:10,732
Now let me give you
some advice--
326
00:12:10,733 --> 00:12:13,107
do not do drugs.
327
00:12:13,108 --> 00:12:14,982
But if you do, you should take
whatever I'm on,
328
00:12:14,983 --> 00:12:17,232
because
I am feeling gooood.
329
00:12:23,983 --> 00:12:25,649
Since Mom is making you stay
in my room,
330
00:12:25,650 --> 00:12:26,899
I guess I have to tell you
I'm sneaking out
331
00:12:26,900 --> 00:12:27,982
to go to that party.
332
00:12:27,983 --> 00:12:29,650
You're grounded.
Mom's not gonna like it.
333
00:12:31,150 --> 00:12:32,441
So you're gonna tattle
again?
334
00:12:32,442 --> 00:12:34,732
It's not tattling.
It's just telling Mom the truth.
335
00:12:35,817 --> 00:12:37,524
You need to get
on my side.
336
00:12:37,525 --> 00:12:38,857
It goes both ways.
337
00:12:38,858 --> 00:12:40,691
You cover for me,
I cover for you.
338
00:12:40,692 --> 00:12:42,316
I don't need you
to cover for me.
339
00:12:42,317 --> 00:12:43,899
But eventually you will.
340
00:12:43,900 --> 00:12:45,857
You're gonna want to do things
they don't want you to do.
341
00:12:45,858 --> 00:12:47,566
Like get
that Hindenburg tattoo.
342
00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:51,357
"Oh, the humanity"
written amongst the flames.
343
00:12:51,358 --> 00:12:53,441
To do it right, it'd need
to cover my whole back.
344
00:12:53,442 --> 00:12:55,274
Mom's not gonna
let you do that.
345
00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:57,774
So when you do it anyways,
you need me on your side.
346
00:12:57,775 --> 00:12:58,816
And the only way
I'm gonna do that
347
00:12:58,817 --> 00:13:00,607
is if you're on my side.
348
00:13:00,608 --> 00:13:02,232
Squid pro quo.
349
00:13:02,233 --> 00:13:03,941
You shouldn't go.
I have to.
350
00:13:03,942 --> 00:13:06,107
The party is all everyone
will be talking about
351
00:13:06,108 --> 00:13:09,066
at lunch on Monday,
going like, "That was so epic,"
352
00:13:09,067 --> 00:13:11,524
and I'll be like,
"Totes MaGotes Papa Choats,"
353
00:13:11,525 --> 00:13:13,442
and they'll be like,
"L."
354
00:13:15,108 --> 00:13:17,149
It's a grown-up thing.
You wouldn't understand.
355
00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:23,024
♪ That's the way I like it
and I never get bored ♪
356
00:13:23,025 --> 00:13:27,482
♪ Hey, now, you're an all-star,
get your game on, go play ♪
357
00:13:27,483 --> 00:13:31,982
♪ Hey, now, you're a rock star,
get the show on, get paid ♪
358
00:13:31,983 --> 00:13:34,857
♪ All that glitters is gold ♪
In here, it is 1999.
359
00:13:34,858 --> 00:13:37,316
No kids.
No exes.
360
00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:38,274
No "Fortnite."
♪ Only shooting stars
break the mold ♪
361
00:13:39,483 --> 00:13:41,066
Seriously,
I cannot stop playing.
362
00:13:41,067 --> 00:13:42,775
I haven't gone to work
in two days.
363
00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:46,524
Katie?
364
00:13:46,525 --> 00:13:48,316
Be cool.
365
00:13:48,317 --> 00:13:49,399
It's my old man.
366
00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:50,358
Mm.
367
00:13:52,442 --> 00:13:54,732
Hey, honey.
368
00:13:54,733 --> 00:13:56,274
It's midnight.
What's going on with you?
369
00:13:56,275 --> 00:13:57,857
You've been locked in that room
for 12 hours.
370
00:13:57,858 --> 00:13:59,982
And yet... I have never felt
more free.
371
00:13:59,983 --> 00:14:02,274
Greg, kids are like
a 24-hour diner--
372
00:14:02,275 --> 00:14:04,107
once it opens,
it never closes.
373
00:14:04,108 --> 00:14:06,649
And you can't skip a shift.
Ever.
374
00:14:06,650 --> 00:14:08,232
This room
is taking me back
375
00:14:08,233 --> 00:14:09,899
before we opened
our diner.
376
00:14:09,900 --> 00:14:11,524
I'm tired.
377
00:14:11,525 --> 00:14:13,566
And I just need a break.
I get that.
378
00:14:13,567 --> 00:14:15,941
But just for my own crazy
wanting-to-know-what's-going-on,
379
00:14:15,942 --> 00:14:17,691
how long are you planning
to pretend you don't have kids?
380
00:14:17,692 --> 00:14:19,066
How long did I pretend
my hand was broken
381
00:14:19,067 --> 00:14:20,066
so you had to do
all the cooking?
382
00:14:20,067 --> 00:14:21,274
Six months.
383
00:14:21,275 --> 00:14:22,274
That sounds about right.
384
00:14:22,275 --> 00:14:23,483
Taylor?
385
00:14:25,900 --> 00:14:28,357
Cover my tables.
I'm calling in sick.
386
00:14:28,358 --> 00:14:30,232
What do you think
you're doing?
387
00:14:30,233 --> 00:14:33,941
I was just downstairs
getting a midnight snack.
388
00:14:33,942 --> 00:14:35,232
Dressed like that?
389
00:14:39,442 --> 00:14:41,441
Is there anything I could say
that would get me out of this?
390
00:14:41,442 --> 00:14:43,357
I'm taking suggestions.
391
00:14:43,358 --> 00:14:45,149
Go to your room.
392
00:14:45,150 --> 00:14:46,649
I will deal with you
in the morning.
393
00:14:50,192 --> 00:14:53,649
She didn't even try
climbing up the trellis.
394
00:14:53,650 --> 00:14:55,399
She just waltzed
right into the front door.
395
00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:57,232
What kind of sneaking
is that?
396
00:14:57,233 --> 00:14:59,649
Ohh! That reflects so poorly
on me as a mother.
397
00:14:59,650 --> 00:15:03,482
Katie, you cannot leave me
with 1999 Doris.
398
00:15:03,483 --> 00:15:05,774
She keeps doing
the "Wassup" commercial.
399
00:15:05,775 --> 00:15:06,775
Wassup?!
See?
400
00:15:09,733 --> 00:15:12,816
I just wanted to take
a little break,
401
00:15:12,817 --> 00:15:14,566
but you couldn't let me,
could you?
402
00:15:14,567 --> 00:15:16,107
I know what happened.
403
00:15:16,108 --> 00:15:18,232
You saw a little glimmer
of freedom in my eye,
404
00:15:18,233 --> 00:15:20,816
and you couldn't stand it,
and you had to snuff it out!
405
00:15:20,817 --> 00:15:22,566
You're a mother-snuffer!
406
00:15:22,567 --> 00:15:24,567
It wasn't Taylor's fault.
407
00:15:27,525 --> 00:15:28,774
When I was going to bed,
408
00:15:28,775 --> 00:15:30,816
I realized I'd left my jacket
at the park,
409
00:15:30,817 --> 00:15:32,649
so Taylor went to go get it
for me.
410
00:15:32,650 --> 00:15:34,067
Then why was she
all dressed up?
411
00:15:36,192 --> 00:15:40,149
There was a fashion flash mob
at the same time.
412
00:15:40,150 --> 00:15:41,607
To raise awareness
for the garment industry
413
00:15:41,608 --> 00:15:42,941
working conditions.
414
00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:44,191
How did Taylor know
about it?
415
00:15:44,192 --> 00:15:45,982
How did you not know?
416
00:15:45,983 --> 00:15:48,149
Offline Otto over here.
417
00:15:48,150 --> 00:15:51,524
So Taylor went
and got my jacket for me.
418
00:15:51,525 --> 00:15:54,317
'Cause that's what sisters do.
They have each other's backs.
419
00:15:55,775 --> 00:15:57,649
That is
the most ridiculous--
420
00:15:57,650 --> 00:15:59,649
Okay.
Thank you for clearing that up.
421
00:15:59,650 --> 00:16:02,649
Very nice of you, Taylor.
Saved me a trip.
422
00:16:02,650 --> 00:16:03,942
You're welcome.
Mm-hmm.
423
00:16:07,067 --> 00:16:09,191
Are you still drunk?
424
00:16:09,192 --> 00:16:10,482
A little.
425
00:16:10,483 --> 00:16:12,441
Listen,
I've got some good news
426
00:16:12,442 --> 00:16:13,816
and bad news.
427
00:16:13,817 --> 00:16:14,857
Okay, let's start
with the good news.
428
00:16:14,858 --> 00:16:17,357
Anna-Kat was covering
for Taylor.
429
00:16:17,358 --> 00:16:19,066
She has never done that
before.
430
00:16:19,067 --> 00:16:20,649
Don't you see
what this means?
431
00:16:20,650 --> 00:16:21,941
I have some ideas,
but I sense
432
00:16:21,942 --> 00:16:23,316
you really just want
to say your thing.
433
00:16:23,317 --> 00:16:26,441
The kids are starting
to take care of one another.
434
00:16:26,442 --> 00:16:28,024
If I'm not available,
435
00:16:28,025 --> 00:16:29,857
they will turn to each other
and not me.
436
00:16:29,858 --> 00:16:31,816
That means
I get more breaks!
437
00:16:31,817 --> 00:16:33,774
I'm gonna go check
on Doris.
438
00:16:33,775 --> 00:16:35,566
She went pretty hard last night,
passed out.
439
00:16:35,567 --> 00:16:37,274
Wait,
what's the bad news?
440
00:16:37,275 --> 00:16:39,857
Anna-Kat
is a terrible liar.
441
00:16:39,858 --> 00:16:42,649
Once again, this reflects poorly
on me as a mother.
442
00:16:48,442 --> 00:16:49,941
Aah!
Oh, dear!
443
00:16:50,942 --> 00:16:53,024
Ah!
444
00:16:53,025 --> 00:16:54,149
Come on, Lonnie!
445
00:16:54,150 --> 00:16:56,024
You've done this same prank
so many times!
446
00:16:56,025 --> 00:16:57,899
No, this one's
totally different.
447
00:16:57,900 --> 00:17:00,482
I'm a lady gorilla.
Didn't you notice the bikini?
448
00:17:00,483 --> 00:17:01,982
The future is female, bruh.
449
00:17:01,983 --> 00:17:03,566
I'm not doing your videos
anymore.
450
00:17:03,567 --> 00:17:06,149
The book isn't worth it.
I'm a respected educator.
451
00:17:06,150 --> 00:17:07,899
My job is
to make the world smarter.
452
00:17:07,900 --> 00:17:09,732
These videos are clearly
only making it dumber.
453
00:17:09,733 --> 00:17:11,274
So, enough is enough.
454
00:17:11,275 --> 00:17:14,232
I'm Professor Otto,
not Professor Badonkadonk!
455
00:17:16,150 --> 00:17:17,357
Don't worry, folks.
He doesn't mean it.
456
00:17:17,358 --> 00:17:18,774
It's Opposite Day.
457
00:17:18,775 --> 00:17:19,982
I said it would never be
Opposite Day!
458
00:17:19,983 --> 00:17:22,441
Yeah, but you said it
on Opposite Day!
459
00:17:29,233 --> 00:17:32,649
You did some damage
last night.
460
00:17:35,900 --> 00:17:38,607
I'm miserable
being divorced.
461
00:17:38,608 --> 00:17:40,816
I had a feeling.
462
00:17:40,817 --> 00:17:42,191
Why didn't you
say something?
463
00:17:42,192 --> 00:17:43,149
Pbht!
464
00:17:43,150 --> 00:17:45,941
You know
that I'm here for you.
465
00:17:45,942 --> 00:17:49,732
Yeah. I do.
466
00:17:49,733 --> 00:17:52,149
Okay.
467
00:17:52,150 --> 00:17:54,232
Look, I know you said
no kid talk last night...
468
00:17:54,233 --> 00:17:56,191
Mm-hmm.
...but I want
to tell you something,
469
00:17:56,192 --> 00:17:59,691
and this isn't easy for me
to say--
470
00:17:59,692 --> 00:18:04,107
Oliver is
really becoming...
471
00:18:04,108 --> 00:18:06,524
less hateable.
472
00:18:06,525 --> 00:18:08,107
Are you
trying to tell me
473
00:18:08,108 --> 00:18:10,357
that you are starting
to like him?
474
00:18:10,358 --> 00:18:11,732
No. Never!
475
00:18:11,733 --> 00:18:15,650
I'm just saying he's...
detestable lite.
476
00:18:17,483 --> 00:18:18,899
I was in a bad way
yesterday,
477
00:18:18,900 --> 00:18:21,857
and he really helped me
through something.
478
00:18:21,858 --> 00:18:25,524
Parenting
is such a grind,
479
00:18:25,525 --> 00:18:27,774
but then someone comes along
and tells you
480
00:18:27,775 --> 00:18:30,441
that your son
is a good kid--
481
00:18:30,442 --> 00:18:31,941
I never said "good kid."
482
00:18:31,942 --> 00:18:33,649
It makes you not want
to pretend
483
00:18:33,650 --> 00:18:34,983
that you don't have them
anymore.
484
00:18:36,692 --> 00:18:38,232
I'm glad I could help.
485
00:18:38,233 --> 00:18:40,483
Now I really got to do something
about this hangover.
486
00:18:45,942 --> 00:18:48,941
Oliver, quit doing
gross boy stuff!
487
00:18:48,942 --> 00:18:50,816
I need you to drive me
to Taco Bell!
488
00:19:01,067 --> 00:19:02,024
You're here
for John Stuart Mill:
489
00:19:02,025 --> 00:19:03,482
An Intro
to Utilitarianism?
490
00:19:03,483 --> 00:19:05,232
Damn straight!
491
00:19:05,233 --> 00:19:06,274
Okay.
492
00:19:06,275 --> 00:19:07,566
Wow.
493
00:19:07,567 --> 00:19:09,232
Well, welcome, everyone.
494
00:19:10,525 --> 00:19:11,567
Dude, say, "Oh, dear!"
495
00:19:13,108 --> 00:19:14,858
Oh.
496
00:19:20,025 --> 00:19:22,399
My name is Professor Otto.
497
00:19:26,692 --> 00:19:29,025
- This sucks.
- Get outta here.
498
00:19:35,233 --> 00:19:39,274
The cornerstone
of Mill's philosophy
499
00:19:39,275 --> 00:19:40,857
is the greatest happiness
500
00:19:40,858 --> 00:19:42,357
for the greatest number
of people
501
00:19:42,358 --> 00:19:44,649
should be the guiding principle
of any conduct.
502
00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:46,732
With that in mind,
503
00:19:46,733 --> 00:19:48,357
I give you...
504
00:19:48,358 --> 00:19:49,607
Badonkadonk!
505
00:19:50,775 --> 00:19:53,316
Date my mom,
Professor Badonkadonk!
506
00:19:53,317 --> 00:19:55,857
Whoo! Badonkadonk!
507
00:19:55,858 --> 00:19:57,524
Let's get started.
508
00:20:00,358 --> 00:20:02,774
I think this is the last
of your old stuff.
509
00:20:02,775 --> 00:20:04,732
Sorry I stole your room
for a little while.
510
00:20:04,733 --> 00:20:06,357
It's okay, Mom.
511
00:20:06,358 --> 00:20:08,524
Mood swings are very common
for a woman your age,
512
00:20:08,525 --> 00:20:10,191
as well as hot flashes
and...
513
00:20:10,192 --> 00:20:11,774
Anna-Kat,
I'm not even 40!
514
00:20:11,775 --> 00:20:13,232
...irritability.
515
00:20:13,233 --> 00:20:14,732
Moving on.
516
00:20:14,733 --> 00:20:17,066
Dad and I
talked about it,
517
00:20:17,067 --> 00:20:19,691
and we are going to find a way
to buy you some of that stuff
518
00:20:19,692 --> 00:20:21,149
that you want
for your big girl room.
519
00:20:21,150 --> 00:20:22,775
Are you serious?
Mm-hmm.
520
00:20:25,317 --> 00:20:26,442
Thanks, Mom.
521
00:20:29,608 --> 00:20:31,357
I don't care
what anyone else says--
522
00:20:31,358 --> 00:20:33,732
I think you're handling
menopause with a lot of grace.
523
00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:43,107
{\an8}Well,
I guess in the end,
524
00:20:43,108 --> 00:20:45,274
{\an8}I married the person I thought
my parents wanted me to marry.
525
00:20:45,275 --> 00:20:47,024
{\an8}Not the man
I wanted to marry.
526
00:20:47,025 --> 00:20:48,982
{\an8}I thought you were supposed to
talk to my mom about this stuff.
527
00:20:48,983 --> 00:20:51,024
{\an8}Well, she doesn't always have
the best advice.
528
00:20:51,025 --> 00:20:52,191
{\an8}Plus, she doesn't know anything
about divorce.
529
00:20:52,192 --> 00:20:53,816
{\an8}And I do?
530
00:20:53,817 --> 00:20:56,899
{\an8}Well, you're very familiar
with loneliness, I imagine.
531
00:20:56,900 --> 00:20:58,941
{\an8}For your information,
I am single by choice.
532
00:20:58,942 --> 00:21:01,357
{\an8}Yeah, other people's choice.
533
00:21:03,275 --> 00:21:05,274
{\an8}I see
you're feeling better.
38723
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