All language subtitles for Terry Pratchetts Hogfather (2006) Part 1

Everything starts somewhere...

...although many physicists disagree.

There is the the constant
desire to find out where.

Where is the point where it all began?

But much, much later than that,

the Discworld was formed...

...drifting onwards through space

atop four elephants

on the shell of a giant turtle,

the great A'Tuin.

It was some time after its creation

when most people forgot that the
very oldest stories of the beginning

are, sooner or later, about blood.

At least, that's one theory.

The philosopher Didactylos has
suggested an alternative hypothesis.

"Things just happen. What the hell?"

And so our story
begins in Ankh-Morpork,

the twin city of proud
Ankh and pestilent Morpork,

the biggest city in Discworld,

a city where magic is just another job,

and where the Tower of Art of
the Unseen University for Wizards

looms over all the dark, narrow streets.

Our story begins on a midwinter festival

bearing a remarkable
similarity to your Christmas.

And so.... it was the
night before Hogswatch.

"And then Jack chopped down what
was the world's last beanstalk,

adding murder and ecological terrorism

to the theft, enticement and
trespass charges already mentioned,

and all the giant's children
didn't have a daddy any more."

"But he got away with it
and lived happily ever after

without so much as a guilty
twinge about what he had done.

which proves that you can be
excused just about anything

if you are a hero, because no
one asks inconvenient questions."

And now, it's time for bed.

- Susan?
- Yes?

You know last week when we
wrote letters to the Hogfather?

- Yes?
- Well, will he really come?

And when's he coming here?

Does it matter, if you
get the presents anyway?

Yes.

Well, if you don't
believe in the Hogfather,

- there won't be any presents.
- Thought so.

But while children
everywhere sleep fitfully

in the belief that a jolly fat man
is about to deliver their presents...

...not necessarily everyone is
entering into the Hogswatch spirit,

especially in a city
where there is a guild

for everything.

The doors are locked.
The windows are barred.

The dog does not
appear to have woken up.

The squeaky floorboards haven't.

I really doubt that you are a ghost,

and gods generally do not
announce themselves so politely.

You could, of course, be Death,

but I don't believe he
bothers with such niceties.

Besides, I'm feeling quite well.

Hmm...

Good evening.

Good evening, Lord Downey.

You appear to be.. a spectre.

Our nature is not a
matter for discussion.

We offer you a commission.

You wish someone inhumed?

Brought to an end.

- Our scale of fees...
- The payment will be $3 million.

- No questions asked, I assume.
- No questions answered.

But does the suggested fee
represent the difficulty involved?

The client is heavily guarded?

Not guarded at all,

but almost certainly impossible to
delete with conventional weapons.

We like to know for whom we are working.

We are sure you do.

We need to know your name, or names,

in strict client
confidentiality, of course.

You may think of us as... the Auditors.

Really? What do you audit?

Everything.

We maintain the logical
order of the universe.

I think we need to know
a little more than that.

We are the people with $3 million.

We need to know where,
when, and, of course, who.

The location is not on any map and
we need the task to be completed

by sunrise tomorrow. This is essential.

As for the who,

let us call him... the Fat Man.

But won't he be out on his rounds?

Ho, ho, ho!

Ho, ho, ho!

Is this a joke?

We have no sense of humour.

There are some that say that
this... person does not exist.

He must exist!

How else could you so
readily recognise his picture?

And many are in correspondence with him.

He would be difficult to find.

You will find persons on any street

who can tell you his
approximate address.

Yes, of course, but as you say,
they can hardly give a map reference.

Even then, how would
the... Fat Man be inhumed?

A glass of poisoned sherry, perhaps?

You misunderstand the
nature of employment.

How do I misunderstand you exactly?

We pay, you find the ways and means.

- How can I contact you?
- We will contact you.

We know where you are. We
know... where everyone is.

- Winvoe?
- Yes, sir?

Is Mr Teatime still in the building?

Up, Gouger! Up, Rooter!

Up, Tusker. Up, Snouter!

Giddy up!

Wahey!

Go away. I don't do that stuff any more.

Yes, Twyla?

I'm afraid of the monster
in the cellar, Susan.

- It's going to eat me up.
- What, again?

Ye gods, there's a girl
out here with a poker!

What are you doing?

Twyla said she's afraid of the
monster in the cellar, Mrs Gaiter.

And you're going to
attack it with a poker, eh?

Yes.

- Susan's our governess.
- She beats up monsters with a poker?

Actually, that's a very clever idea.
My daughter gets it into her head

there's a monster in the
cellar, you go in with a poker

and make bashing noises
while the child listens,

- and everything's alright.
- Is that what you're doing, Susan?

Yes, Mrs Gaiter.

This I've got to watch.

It's not every day you see
monsters beaten up by a girl.

Come on.

Come in, Mr Teatime.

Carter, just put it on the
table over there, will you?

Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir. I'll go
and fetch another cup directly, sir.

- What?
- For your visitor, sir.

What visitor?

Oh, for when Mr Tea...

Mr Teatime?

It's pronounced...
Teh-ah-tim-eh, sir.

Everyone gets it wrong, sir.

How did you get in here?

Easily. I got mildly... scorched
on the last few feet, of course.

The dog seems to like you.

I get on well with... animals, sir.

I have a report...

...here that says that you nailed
Sir George's dog to the ceiling.

I couldn't have it barking
while I was working, sir.

- Some people would have drugged it.
- Oh.

But I definitely fulfilled the contract.

I checked Sir George's breathing
with a mirror, as instructed.

Apparently his head was several
feet from his body at that point.

That was alright, wasn't it, sir?

It, erm...

...lacked elegance.

I thank you, sir!

I'm always happy to be corrected.
I shall remember that... next time.

It was about the next
time that I wished to talk.

As a matter of interest,

how would you go about
inhuming this gentleman?

You don't have to
worry. She always wins.

Very well done.

Very p-sychological. Clever
idea, that, bending the poker.

I expect you're not afraid
any more, eh, my girl?

No.

No. Very p-sychological.

Susan says, "Don't
get afraid. Get angry."

Oh, well, er, thank you, Susan.

And now, if you'd all like to
come back into the parlour...

I mean, the drawing room...

Dashed convincing, the way
she bent the poker like that!

- Have they all gone, Twyla?
- Yes, Susan.

Good.

Mind the tail!

That's what we do to monsters.

Now it's back to bed for you, my girl.

Difficult, sir.

Certainly.

But I have devoted
some... time to it, sir.

You mean you've actually
sat down and thought out

how to inhume the Hogfather?

Why, yes, sir. And the Soul Cake Duck.

And Death, sir.

They're imaginary creatures.

Makes it a challenge.

I suppose I just see things
differently from other people.

We may be able to see the complaint
of Sir George's estate against you

with regard to his
dog rather differently,

and approve your graduation to
full membership of the Guild.

Take the dark, sir?

Wear black, sir?

If you agree to
undertake... this contract.

With due elegance, of course.

With elegance guaranteed, sir.

Er, Mr
Teh-ah-tim-eh?

You have... actually
applied yourself to a study

of ways of killing Death?

Only as a hobby, sir.

But then some people might say
that he is technically immortal.

Everyone has their weak points, sir.

It's gone six. He's not coming.

- Let's go.
- Sit down, will you?

Assassins are always fashionably late,

because of style, right?

What's this? You never said
anything about him being an assassin.

It's Teatime. He's paying top
rate. We can wait for top rate.

Teatime?

I've heard he's... mental.

And he's got a funny eye.

What I don't understand is... how
long has this place had waiters?

Good evening.

Do have another drink

while we wait for the other
members of our little... troop.

Susan, there's a monster
under my bed again.

Oh! Ow!

Ow!

That's a wizard.

No, I'm not. I'm incognito.

Yeah, right.

You're just someone in a pointy hat.

Mr Sideney here is indeed
a wizard. A student, anyway.

This is my brother Banjo.
This is Chickenwire.

I didn't want to come!

Mr Sideney's down on
his luck at the moment.

Hence his willingness to
join our little venture.

So what's the job?

We don't do jobs. We perform services.

And the service will
earn each of you $10,000.

No one said anything about
there being magic in all of this.

Well, I...

Do the voice on it!

- Do the voice on it!
- No!

- Not the voice!
- Hit it on the head with a poker.

- Not the poker!
- This is the friendly warning.

Understand? Because it's Hogswatch.

What are you, a witch or something?

I'm just... something.

Now, you won't be around
here again, will you?

Or we'll put your
head under the blanket.

It's got fluffy bunnies on it.

Fluffy bunnies... No!

Go away and stop bothering me.

That wasn't as much fun
as the one last month,

You know, the one when you
kicked him in the trousers.

Just go to sleep now.

- Locks.
- We have a locksmith.

- Who?
- Mr Brown.

And you can help me carry this.

It's rather heavy.

What is this?

This is my brother Banjo.

Does it do tricks?

No.

He can lift two men up in
each hand, by their necks.

Yeah.

He looks like a volcano.

Really?

Wanna be fashionably late, do you?

I do so hope we're gonna
be friends, Mr Medium Dave.

It really hurts to think I
might not be among... friends.

And I suppose we might
as well make a start.

Hello! My name's Violet,

and I have been your tooth
fairy for this evening.

Here, there ain't nothing
valuable, you know.

Nothing valuable, only
a few bags of t-t-t-t...

Teeth? I know.

My name's Teh-ah-tim-eh.
What's your name, sir?

Ernie. Yes, Ernie.

Come along, gentlemen.

This is my friend Ernie.

He's gonna be our driver for tonight.

Put her in the back, Banjo.

Mister, I ain't rightly allowed
to carry passengers, ya know.

Charlie'd give me a right telling off.

Oh, don't you worry about
that. We're all friends here.

Our mam said no hitting girls.

Only bad boys do that, our mam said.

Shut it!

Ssh! Ernie here doesn't want
to listen to our troubles.

Wh-Wh-Where
to, mister?

You know the way, Ernie.
Behind the Unseen University.

Where the students of
magic are still hard at work

on the night before Hogswatch.

It's just a shame we don't have
any radiation shielding, Busar.

You want radiation
shielding, Mr Stibbons?

Advice from Hex, Bursar. As the
university won't supply us students

with a thaumic particle accelerator,
we've started to build our own.

Safety first and all that!

Dean, have you seen the Head
of Inadvisably Applied Magic?

I need some urgent advice!

Ask the Chair of Indefinite Studies.

- Er... Hmm...
- Lecturer in Recent Runes?

Well, you see, it all depends...

I don't know...

In my day, when I was an undergraduate,

I wouldn't have been
studying on Hogswatch Night.

It's just not natural. I'd
have been sick twice by now.

Bursar?

- Bursar?
- Hello, Mustrum.

- Dean? Oh, there you are.
- Archchancellor?

Members of the faculty, I've decided,
as a Hogswatch present to myself,

to open up the late Archchancellor
Weatherwax's old bathroom.

So I don't have to sluice
down with you fellas.

It's unhygienic. You can catch stuff.

'Ere, I can't take you
lot through the wall!

Listen, Ernie.

Ern. You will take us through,

or, and I say this with
very considerable regret,

I'll have to kill you.

- If I take you through the wall...
- What's the worst that can happen?

You'll lose your job.

Whereas if you don't, you'll die.

Really, Mustrum, I think
this is most unwise.

It said in the plans
there was a bathroom.

You chaps are all acting as if it
was some kind of torture chamber.

A bathroom designed by
Bloody Stupid Johnson!

The late Bergholt Stuttley Johnson

was the worst inventor in
the world, Archchancellor!

Yes!

Well, not everything he made
had a horribly fateful flaw.

I mean, think of that thing they use in the
kitchen for peeling potatoes, for example.

You mean that thing with the brass
plate saying "improved manicure device"?

Well, it's only water.

Even old Johnson can't
do much harm with water.

Go to it, lad.

- So?
- Er...

Well, he just chucks
it at the wall there

- and it goes "twing".
- Really?

May I try?

Ain't that nice, our Davey?

Yeah.

And then you just drive forward.

Right. Quick, mind, cos it only
stays open for a little while.

Thank you very much, Ernie,

very much indeed.

Wasn't he dull?

If he's supposed to be
getting rid of the Hogfather,

why is he going to the
Tooth Fairy's castle?

The Tooth Fairy? Hah!
Another childish belief.

- Exactly.
- Very elegant.

- It is.
- You have to start somewhere.

Once you have their
little minds in your grip,

it's goodbye, Hogfather.

It's him!

- Could I give you a hand?
- Oh, yeah!

Oh! Here, your fingers
aren't half cold, mister.

Sorry.

What did he want to
go and do that for, eh?

I did what he said!
He could've killed me.

Yes.

I always keep a nip on
me these cold nights.

- Keeps me spirits up.
- Indeed.

How am I gonna explain
all this, then, eh?

Sorry?

That was very rude of me.
I wasn't paying attention.

What am I gonna tell people?

Letting some blokes ride off
in me cart, neat as you like...

That's gonna be the sack for sure.

There, at least, I have
some good news, Ernest.

And then again, I also
have some bad news.

So... I'm dead, then.

Correct.

Now, tell me about these
blokes who stole your cart...

...and killed you.

Honestly! Death gets worse and worse.

He seems to like humans.

So illogical!

But the beauty of the assassin's plan

is that he can't interfere.

But Death can go everywhere.

No.

Not... quite... everywhere.

Great job,

but you look a right tit
wearing these helmets.

Hello.

My name's
Teh-ah-tim-eh.

What's yours?

Albert,

something is not right.

Too right.

This is the Mythological Persons room.

How can one of them die?

Soul Cake Duck.

The Tooth Fairy.

The Hogfather!

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear, oh, dear!

Albert!

We may not have much time.

Oh, is anybody there?

I don't know what you're
expecting me to say, but...

Ssh.

Questions first.

Babble... later.

Now, Miss Bottler,

I'd like you to think
of me... as a friend.

- How we doing, Mr Modo?
- Tanks are filled

and I've stoked the boilers,
Mr Archchancellor, sir.

You did read the sign
on that door, Ridcully?

You mean the sign which said,

"Do not under any
circumstances open this door"?

Surely it was sealed up for a reason.

Oh, he only wrote that
to keep people out.

That's right. That's what people do.

- Don't say I didn't warn you.
- Hygiene! That's the ticket.

I still haven't worked out
where all the pipes lead.

Oh, we'll find out, don't you fear.

Man the pumps, Mr Modo,

or dwarf 'em, of course, in your case.

She's a tooth fairy, but
she's not "the" Tooth Fairy.

Ssh.

Teeth...

What do you expect in
the Tooth Fairy's castle?

It gives me the creeps
just thinking about it.

You don't have to think. You
just have to do what I said.

- All of 'em?
- Every last one.

- Put 'em in a pile.
- That's millions.

Mr Brown?

I want you to unlock
every door you can find.

What's this really all about?

Does he believe in things
like the Soul Cake Duck?

The Sandman?

The Tooth Fairy?

Yeah.

Even the Hogfather.

Cos after we're finished
here, not even he will.

Onwards, Binky, to the
Hogfather's Castle of Bones!

The first Hogswatch
off in a thousand years,

even if I'm going to have the
mother of all hangovers in the mor...

And how can the Hogfather bring
presents to everyone at the same time?

Unless there are lots of Hogfathers.

Look, you've always believed
in the Hogfather, yes?

- Yes...
- Well, if you don't believe in him,

- he won't come down the chimney.
- It's a very small chimney.

And a very small stocking,
if you don't go to sleep.

Ah, yes. And, erm...

"Ho, ho, ho."

There's a tap in there
marked Old Faithful...

...which I think perhaps we
might leave alone for now.

This is... a most peculiar Hogswatch.

Any mustard? They're
a treat with mustard.

Apple sauce.

I'm finding the beard a bit of a trial.

Well, at least it's keeping you
in the right frame of mind, master.

In character, that sort of thing.

But going down the chimney...
Where's the sense in that?

It's gotta be chimbleys, innit,
eh? A bit like the beard, really.

Do you think these little buggers
would be writing to someone

who can walk through walls if they knew?

Oh, and that reminds me.

The "ho, ho, ho" could
do with some more work,

if you don't mind me saying so.

Ho, ho, ho?

No, no, no!

No, you've got to put a
bit more life in it, sir.

Er, no offence intended.

You've got to do a big, fat laugh, sir,

you know, like...

Ho, ho, ho!

Like that. See? You've got to
sound like you're pissing brandy

and you're crapping plum pudding, sir,

if you'll pardon my Klatchian.

Really? How do you know all this?

Well, I used to be
young myself once, sir,

surprising as it may seem.

- These teeth give me the creeps.
- Just keep going!

- Why are we piling them all up?
- You don't wanna know.

Quicker all the teeth are in a pile,

quick we're out of here with our money.

No one ever laid a punch
on Banjo since our mam died.

Tough but fair, your mam.

I recall that time she strangled
Glossy Ron with his own leg.

Yeah.

Maybe the both of us could
creep up on him and...

Yeah!

I keep thinking about
that glass eye watching me.

I keep thinking it can
see right in my head!

Don't worry. He doesn't
know what you're thinking.

How do you know?

You're still alive.

These damned eyeballs
are hard, aren't they?

They're walnuts, not eyeballs.

I don't want you back
in my life. Understand?

Don't say you haven't been warned!

Warned?

Ah! Did you check the list?

Couldn't really make head nor
tail of it, to tell you the truth.

I don't normally care if
they've been naughty or nice.

I can feel belief in
the Hogfather fading.

- What's that?
- It looks very bad.

No, no. It's just where
something's been nibbling it.

I mean the situation. I
fear we may be too late.

Oh, well. Never say die, master.

That's our motto.

I can't say it's ever really been mine.

You'd better watch out.

Because if the Hogfather
still comes to town

as result of a magical
misjudgement on your part,

then, you will no longer
be my friend, Mr Sideney.

I... understand, sir.

Do you have a lot of friends,

Mr Sideney?

Erm... quite a few, actually.

I don't have many.

Don't seem to have the knack.

On the other hand, I don't
seem to have any enemies at all.

Well...

...it's a very
enemy-friendly spell, sir.

That is... very... simple...

...and will make the
pile of teeth... very...

Mr Teatime!

... dangerous.

Grandfather, this is Hogswatch.

It's supposed to be jolly,
with mistletoe and holly...

and other things... ending in "olly".

It's a time when people are
meant to feel good about things,

and eat until they explode,

a time when they want to
see all their... relatives.

I mean, it's a time when
humans are really human,

and they don't want a...
a skeleton at the feast,

especially one, I might add,
who's wearing a false beard

and has got a damn cushion
shoved up his robe! I mean, why?

Albert said it would help me
get into the spirit of the thing.

This is a real job,

and I was looking forward
to a real Hogswatch

where normal things
happen with normal people

in a normal house,

and suddenly, the old
circus comes to town.

Well, I don't know what's going on,
but you can just leave right now.

Albert.

Buggery.

Master?

I'm stuck.

The pixie.

Oh, come along in, do. If the real
Hogfather doesn't turn up soon,

there's not going to
be enough room for him.

- Oh...
- He won't be joining us.

So what have you turned up for?
And if it's for business reasons,

I will add then that outfit
is in extremely poor taste.

The Hogfather is... unavailable.

- At Hogswatch?
- Yes.

Why?

He is...

Let me see.

There isn't an entirely
appropriate human word,

so, let's settle for...

...gone.

Yes. He is gone.

How can the Hogfather be gone?
He's.. Isn't he what you are? Anth...

Anthropomorphic personification? Yes.

He has become the spirit of Hogswatch.

And while he's gone, you've
taken over. That's sick.

I see the girl writes in
green crayon on pink paper

with a mouse in the corner.

The mouse is wearing a dress.

I ought to point out that
she decided to do that

so that the Hogfather
would think she was sweet,

including the deliberate bad spelling.
But look, why are you doing...

She says she is five years old.

Seven. In cynicism, she's about
35. But why are you doing the...

But she believes in the Hogfather.

She'd believe in anything if
there was a dolly in it for her.

But you're not going to
leave without telling me...

And what are you doing here, Albert?

I thought you'd die if you
ever came back to the world.

Ah, but we are not in the world.

We are in the special congruent
reality created for the Hogfather.

Normal rules have to be suspended.

How else could anyone get around
the entire world in one night?

That's right. I'm one of the
Hogfather's little helpers, me.

It's official.

I've got the little pointy green
hat with the bell and everything.

Have you been good, have you?

Now we must be going.

Happy Hogswatch.

And, er... Oh, yes.

Ho, ho, ho.

Heh, heh. It's a nice
drop of sherry, this.

You've actually been
drinking the actual drink

little children leave
for the actual Hogfather?

Well, yeah. Why not? He won't
be drinking any more, will he?

Eh? Not where he's gone...

How many have you had, may I ask?

Hmm? Well, I dunno. I
haven't been counting.

One million, eight hundred
thousand, seven hundred and six.

And sixty-eight thousand, three
hundred and nineteen pork pies.

And one turnip.

Oh, yeah. Well... it
looked pork-pie shaped.

But then, everything does
after a while, doesn't it?

Why are you doing this?

I am sorry, I cannot tell you.

Forget you saw me.
It's not your business.

Not my business? How can you say...

You wanted to be normal.

Good night, granddaughter.

Sleep tight.

I know I shall. Pardon.

There are a lot of doors.
I hope this is the one.

This isn't the room we're looking for.

Just teeth in here.

Keep going, Mr Brown.

Boo!

Susan will try to find out what
this is all about, you know.

Oh, dear.

Especially after you told her not to.

You think so?

Oh, yes.

Dear me! I still have a lot
to learn about humans, don't I?

Oh, I dunno.

Obviously it would be quite wrong
to involve a human in all this.

That is why, you will recall,

I clearly forbade her
to take an interest.

Yes, yes, you did.

- Besides, it's against the rules.
- Yeah, well, of course, that's a shame, really,

because she likes to
break 'em, doesn't she?

You might think I've
already thought of that,

but I couldn't possibly comment.

Oh.

And we have much to do. We have
the Hogfather's promises to keep.

Has he done something
to the real Hogfather?

Binky.

Can she be eliminated?

Oh, yes. She's mostly human.

Oh, good.

Then, can we go back to just
concentrating on running the universe,

making sure that gravity
works and that atoms spin?

Yes, when there's not an atom
of belief left in the world.

And the Hogfather is just the beginning.

What are you looking for, Mustrum?

My father always said,

when you see a lot of
people bathing together,

the Verruca Gnome is running
around with his little sack.

Modo!

Any sign of the Verruca
Gnome down there, old boy?

Welcome home, Susan. You took your time!

I don't do family reunions.

Sandman.

Soul Cake Duck.

Tooth Fairy.

The Hogfather!

Grandfather, what have you done?

This cushion is still uncomfortable.

You're doing well, master.

Soot in the fireplaces,
footprints, swigged sherries...

...sleigh tracks all over the
roofs. No, no. It's got to work.

You think so?

Oh, yeah. Oh, here's
a little tip, though.

"Ho, ho, ho," will do.

Don't say, "Cower, brief mortals!"

Oh. Really?

So many chimneys...

It would be so much quicker
if I lost the cushion.

Yeah, well I mean, if we're gonna
give Susan enough time to succeed,

the little perishers need
to believe in you, master.

Er, I mean the Hogfather.

So you've got to look the part, master.

I tell you what'd be
really good to boost belief

is a public appearance.

Oh, I don't normally do them.

Yeah, but the Hogfather's more
of a public figure, master.

I tell you what, one good public
appearance would do more good

than any amount of letting
the kids see you by accident.

Really?

And I know just the place.

Thank you very much indeed.

Everything tickety-boo, McPherson?

- Yes, Mr Crumley.
- Jolly good.

Let's go... sleigh them.

I don't know if you noticed, Albert,

but that was a pune,

- or play on words.
- Ho, ho, ho, sir.

Stop it, stop it, stop it!

You're frightening the little kiddies!

- Wow, they got tusks! Cool!
- That one's doing a wee.

It's the Campaign for Equal Heights
that have done this, isn't it?

They're out to ruin me! That's it!

I don't mind the smell of the
oranges and the damp trousers,

but I ain't putting up with this!

And he's not even doing it right!

What's going on here, then? Eh?

Come on!

Who are you?

You can call me Uncle Heavy.

- You're not a pixie.
- No, I'm a fairy cobbler, mister!

Now, just ssh! Keep quiet!

And what do you want for
Hogswatch, small human?

The autobiographies write down
everything that happens to you

as it happens.

I know. I used to live here, remember?

But I can't read this.
The letters are all... odd.

Oh, so I suppose now you'll be
wanting my words of occult wisdom.

Ethereal runes. The Hogfather
ain't human, after all.

Er, I suppose a bit of warm
liver's out of the question?

~ On the second day of Hogswatch

~ I sent my true love back

~ A nasty little letter

~ And a partridge in a pear tree

What's your game?
Small-time thief, are you?

You ain't supposed to be able to see me.

I'm a wizard! We can see things
that are really there, you know.

Oh, what's in this bag?

You'll really wish you hadn't, mister.

Oh, will I? What are you
doing here, young man?

Well, you know the Tooth Fairy?

Well, it's sort of
like the same business.

- You take things away?
- Not take away as such...

More sort of bring.

- Ah. Right, new teeth.
- Like new verrucas.

Oh, you're him.

I saw your piggy do a wee.

Oh?

Well... good.

It had a great big...

- What do you want for Hogswatch?
- She wants...

I want an army and a big castle

with an active drawbridge and a sword.

I think they're supposed
to say thank you.

Are you sure? People don't normally.

No, I meant to the Hogfather,
which is you! Right?

- Sorry.
- Yes, of course.

You're supposed to say thank you.

Thank you.

And be good. This is
part of the arrangement.

- Yes.
- Then, we have a contract.

- Ah, verrucas, eh?
- Wish I knew why.

- Do you mean you don't know?
- No!

Suddenly I wake up and
I'm the Verruca Gnome!

Why, how strange!

Anyway... amazing bathroom, isn't it?

It's even got a special pot
for your toenail clippings.

- Special pot for your toenail clippings?
- Well, you can't be too careful.

Get hold of something like
somebody's nail clippings,

hair, teeth, you've got
them under your control.

I mean, that's real old magic.

Children of the world,

prepare to think as you are told.

Mr Sideney?

Your big... no-misjudgements
magic moment.

You can't give her that! It's not safe!

It's a sword. They're
not meant to be safe.

- But she's a child!
- It's educational.

What if she cuts herself?

That will be an important lesson.

Really?

Oh, well. It's not for
me to argue, I suppose.

And she doesn't want all that
other stuff. She's a girl!

And anyway, I can't afford
big posh stuff like that.

I thought I gave it away.

- You do?
- You do?

You don't! That's our merchandise!
You don't just give it away.

Hogswatch isn't about
giving everything away.

I mean, yes, you do give things away,

but you have to buy them first.

You mean... this is all... free?

It... would seem... to be.

So, Mr Stibbons,

this thing's a great big
artificial brain, then, eh?

You could think of it like that.

Of course, Hex doesn't
actually think, not as such.

- It just appears to be thinking.
- Amazing!

You mean it gives the impression
of thinking, but really it's just a show?

- Er, yes.
- Just like everyone else, then, eh?

Oh, I knew I came here for something.

Now, this little chappie

is the Verruca Gnome...

...who's just popped into existence
to be with us on Hogswatch Night,

being the most magical
night of the year.

Last year's occult rubbish piling up...

I thought you chaps might
like to check up on it.

The Verruca Gnome?

Well, it makes about as much
sense as anything else, doesn't it?

After all, there's a
Tooth Fairy, isn't there?

Makes one wonder why
there's a god of wine

and not a god of hangovers.

Anyone hear a noise just then?

Sorry, Archchancellor?

A sort of...

Like a lot of, er... tinkling bells?

I didn't hear anything like that, sir.

Oh. Well, where was I? Erm...

Oh yes, well, I mean, nobody's ever
seen a Verruca Gnome until tonight.

I've never heard of me
until tonight, and I am me!

Well, erm, we'll see what Hex
can find out, Archchancellor.

Good man.

Amazing!

Now we should be able to get
to the bottom of all this.

None of this is right. Everyone
knows he's just a jolly old fat man

who hands out presents to kids.

He wasn't always so jolly.

- You know how it is.
- Do I?

Well, it's like, you know,
industrial retraining.

Even gods have to move with the times.

You see, your Hogfather

was probably just your
basic winter demiurge,

you know, blood on the snow,
making the sun come up...

So there has to be blood
to make the sun come up?

Hmm! Well, it starts off
with animal sacrifice,

You know, hunt some big, hairy
animal to death, that kind of stuff,

very folkloric, very... mythic.

Didn't stop at animals, neither.

They had sacred kings,
the strongest and the best,

died at the dark time of year to
give life to the unconquered sun.

And in a way, the
Hogfather was all of 'em.

- And then?
- Then some bright spark thought,

"Aye, looks like that
damn sun comes up anyway,

so how come we're giving those
Druids all this free grub?"

The world moves on, and
he's gotta find a new job.

So he started as an animal
sacrifice to make the sun come up?

Exactimundo.

And now he gives out presents.

Top of the evenin', squire.

I am Corporal Nobbs of the Watch,
and this is Constable Visit, sir.

I want you to arrest him!

- Arrest who, sir?
- The Hogfather!

What for, sir?

He's sitting up there as bold
as brass in his... grotto...

...giving away presents!

Not quite up to speed here, sir.

I thought the Hogfather was supposed
to give away stuff, isn't he?

But this one's... an impostor!

You know, I always thought that.

I thought, the Hogfather spends
two weeks sitting in a wooden grotto

in some shop in Ankh-Morpork,
very busy time, too. Nice life, eh?

He's not the Hogfather we usually have!

You mean a different impostor?
Not the real impostor at all?

Yes!

No!

Arrest the Hogfather style of thing?

- Yes!
- On Hogswatch Night?

- Yes.
- For giving away presents?

In front of all these kiddies?

Yes!

- In your shop?

- Y...

You think... that
might look a bit... bad?

Difficult to see how
it could look good, sir.

Could you not do it... surreptitiously?

Oh, well! Yes.

Surreptition. Yes. We
could give that a try.

You won't find me ungrateful.

In Omnia, we call Hogswatch
Night the Fast of St Ossory.

But it is not an
occasion for superstition

and crass commercialism.

I used to hang up my stocking
every Hogswatch, regular.

All that ever happened was
my dad was sick in it once.

I'm going in.

There seems to be a thaumic
surge from somewhere.

It's as if something is triggering
random bursts of stray belief.

It's the expression on
their little faces I like.

Yeah, a sort of cross
between fear and and awe.

They don't know whether to
laugh, cry or wet their pants.

Yes. Now, that is what I call belief.

Next.

And what's your name, little...

...person?

Nobby Nobbs, Hogfather.

And have you been a good
bo? A good dwa? A good gno?

A good individual?

Yes.

So why isn't it working?

Ah, the chalk... just got a bit scuffed,

you know, when we were
piling up the... the things.

- You're sure that's what it is?
- Well, er...

What about the spell?

Oh, that'll go on
forever. Simple ones do.

It's just a state change,
powered by the... the...

It just keeps going.

That's very good, Mr Sideney.

Because if the sympathetic
magic doesn't work,

you will find me very...

...unsympathetic.

What happened? What happened?

Ah, it's disgusting,
this whole business!

It is the worship of idols!

It's a genuine Burleigh & Stronginthearm

double-action
triple-cantilever crossbow

with a polished-walnut stock
and... silver engraved facings.

Aren't we going to arrest
the impostor, Corporal?

You're foreign, Washpot.

I can't expect you to know
the real meaning of Hogswatch.

On the whole, I think that
went very well, don't you?

Yes, master.

And I think I've got the
laugh working really well now.

- Ho, ho, ho!
- Yes, sir. Very jolly.

Tomorrow morning,
they'll believe, alright.

They'd better.

Because if they don't, then
there won't be a tomorrow morning.

So for the sun to come up tomorrow,
the Hogfather has to be alive.

Precise-amente.

But what if he's dead?

And this was gonna
be your big... moment.

It's him!

Such a shame!

Pretty lights...

Think... happy, Banjo.

Wake up! Wake up! You've
got to find the Hogfather!

He was at the Castle of Bones.

You're not the Hogfather.

There must be thousands here.

What's all this stuff? It's just paper.

They're title deeds to properties,
and they're better than money.

So if we steal them,
do they become ours?

Is that a trick question?

Anyway, let's get going.

He won't miss a few, er...

- Gentlemen.
- We were just, er...

We were just... piling up the stuff.

Hah!

Hmm! I know people say

I'd kill them as soon as look at them.

And in fact, I'd much rather kill
you than look at you, Mr Lilywhite.

You're thinking that
Banjo's gonna help you.

That's how its always been, isn't it?

But Banjo's my friend now.

Banjo has the heart...
of a little child.

And believe, I have, too.

Help him, Banjo.

As far as this goes, I
really have no use for it.

It's only pillow money.

Something much more...
interesting has become apparent.

Albert...

I don't see the Hogfather
as someone who rolls his own.

Drop him.

Control. Control the inner child,

and it'll even give you its teeth.

And somewhere in this tower,

you're gonna help me find
someone who can use it...

...who can use it
to... give me the world.

So, is he saying to
take the money and go?

Don't be so bloody stupid!

Daddy?

I say... It's not what you think!

Yes, it is.

Mr Brown?

There's one door you haven't found.

Find the Tooth Fairy's secret
room. And when he does...

...then, just think what I
can make the kiddiewinks think.

- Are you alright?
- I wish I was dead.

I think you may have
come to the right place.

- Oh, my head...
- Are you the Hogfather?

I feel awful! Have you got any ice?

Duty calls.

Yeah, but which one?
That one or this one?

Happy Hogswatch, everybody!