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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,600 Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians 2 00:00:04,600 --> 00:00:07,000 Dingy castles, daring knights 3 00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:09,800 Cut-throat Celts, Awful Egyptians 4 00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:12,200 Punishment from ancient times 5 00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:15,040 Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless 6 00:00:15,040 --> 00:00:18,040 Mean and Measly Middle Ages 7 00:00:38,600 --> 00:00:42,160 Have you ever dreamt of being a prince or princess, 8 00:00:42,160 --> 00:00:45,280 living in a fancy castle, wearing cool crowns, 9 00:00:45,280 --> 00:00:48,560 and drinking only the finest bin juices? 10 00:00:48,560 --> 00:00:50,840 SLURPING Hmm, nice! 11 00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:53,600 Of course, that only happens by magic in fairy stories. 12 00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:58,480 Normally, a lot of work goes into being a royal. 13 00:00:58,480 --> 00:01:02,480 Guys, what an incredible show we've got for you today! 14 00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:04,840 I'm famous French hairdresser Sieur Larsenneur. 15 00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:07,280 And I'm portrait artist, Joseph Ducreux, 16 00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:10,880 and we are here to collect an Austrian princess. 17 00:01:10,880 --> 00:01:13,920 Say hi to the viewers. H-Hello. 18 00:01:13,920 --> 00:01:17,080 This princess knows she's heading to France to marry Prince Louis, 19 00:01:17,080 --> 00:01:19,080 who is going to be king one day. 20 00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:22,240 What she DOESN'T know is how much the French public 21 00:01:22,240 --> 00:01:24,360 will hate her if she looks Austrian. 22 00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:25,760 What?! 23 00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:28,360 They literally won't let her into the country looking like this. 24 00:01:28,360 --> 00:01:30,000 They'll rip her to shreds! 25 00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:32,280 Which, quite frankly, would be an improvement. 26 00:01:32,280 --> 00:01:36,360 So we're here to make this Austrian wench look really French. 27 00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:51,120 Now, I'm thinking we'll call you "Marie Antoinette." 28 00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:52,640 But that is not my name. 29 00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:54,200 My name is Maria Antonia. 30 00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:56,760 Not any more! We're changing it to Marie Antoinette. 31 00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:58,080 It sounds more French. 32 00:01:58,080 --> 00:02:00,680 Future Queen of France, let's dance! 33 00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:08,720 What is going on with this hair? 34 00:02:08,720 --> 00:02:12,280 You've got it scraped back so far, it's pulling out the roots in clumps. 35 00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:14,760 But it's very fashionable in Austria. 36 00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:16,200 Huh! That explains everything... 37 00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:19,200 At the moment, honey, this forehead gives me a sore head. 38 00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:21,000 Oh, MG, you are SO right! 39 00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:24,040 That's why, when I was sent to Austria to paint you, 40 00:02:24,040 --> 00:02:28,120 I painted what I WANTED to see, not what I DID see. 41 00:02:28,120 --> 00:02:32,240 She is so fresh, so fly, so French. 42 00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:34,720 It doesn't look anything like me. 43 00:02:34,720 --> 00:02:36,360 Exactly! 44 00:02:36,360 --> 00:02:38,160 So good. Thank you. 45 00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:45,080 Wow. It's magnificent. I know. 46 00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:49,280 Now, sweetie, we want this makeover to get you smiling again, 47 00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:53,080 but only after we've fixed your disgusting Austrian fangs. 48 00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:57,120 Look at those jagged little teeth pointing out all over the place. 49 00:02:57,120 --> 00:02:59,520 It's like, "Guys, pick a direction!" 50 00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:04,040 So we're going to give you a very beautiful and very straight smile 51 00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:06,240 and all it will take is some light dentistry 52 00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:08,840 using these state of the art metal tools. 53 00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:12,240 Ah! Won't that hurt? You won't feel a thing... 54 00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:13,440 Oh. 55 00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:16,960 ..because you'll feel everything! We don't have pain relief. 56 00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:20,840 Open wide! Let's make your dentures all Frenchers. 57 00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:22,160 SHE WHIMPERS 58 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:23,520 MIMICKING 59 00:03:25,640 --> 00:03:30,720 When we met Maria Antonia she was a real "No, no, no-nia." 60 00:03:30,720 --> 00:03:34,240 But Marie Antoinette is tres chic. She's glamorous. 61 00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:38,480 She can barely move her mouth after agonising dental surgery, 62 00:03:38,480 --> 00:03:40,640 but she is fit for France. 63 00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:42,040 Ah oui, oui, oui, oui, oui! 64 00:03:42,040 --> 00:03:43,200 CHEERING 65 00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:46,560 So, what do you think of your transformation? Are you happy? 66 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:47,760 MUFFLED WHIMPERING 67 00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:50,560 Oh, she's speechless. 68 00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:55,320 And now, you're finally ready to enter France and marry a prince. 69 00:03:55,320 --> 00:03:57,320 Yas, queen! 70 00:03:57,320 --> 00:04:00,600 This is the happi... Argh! Happiest day of my life. Oh! 71 00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:01,960 Let's dance! 72 00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:03,280 Woo! 73 00:04:07,040 --> 00:04:09,560 Yeah, we probably should have worked on her dancing, too. 74 00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:11,480 Definitely. 75 00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:14,080 Please, just stop. You're embarrassing everyone. 76 00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:18,200 Some can spend their whole lives 77 00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:20,520 searching for true love and never find it. 78 00:04:20,520 --> 00:04:23,600 But for Prince Arthur, Tudor heir to the throne of England, 79 00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:26,840 his true love was arranged by his father's lawyers 80 00:04:26,840 --> 00:04:30,520 as part of a peace treaty when he was two years old. 81 00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:32,000 And they say romance is dead! 82 00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:34,920 But while Arthur has known the name of his true love 83 00:04:34,920 --> 00:04:36,800 since he was a toddler, 84 00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:38,760 this will be their VERY first date. 85 00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:40,840 Enjoy. 86 00:04:42,120 --> 00:04:43,400 I really hope we get on. 87 00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:45,520 We're getting married at the end of next week. 88 00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:47,920 Prince Arthur's first date and soon to be wife 89 00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:51,440 is Spanish Princess Catherine of Aragon. 90 00:04:51,440 --> 00:04:53,400 So great to finally meet you. 91 00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:57,080 I'm Prince Arthur. My father is King Henry VII... 92 00:04:57,080 --> 00:04:58,720 ..er, which means I will be 93 00:04:58,720 --> 00:05:02,040 the first official King Arthur of Britain, eventually. 94 00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:04,840 Hi. 95 00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:19,800 So it turns out she can't speak any English at all, 96 00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:24,440 which is, you know, a shame, cos English is my best language. 97 00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:28,720 Gracias, chorizo, Barcelona. 98 00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:30,360 Nachos. Si? 99 00:05:32,760 --> 00:05:35,440 You like food? "Food"? 100 00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:38,000 "Oh, yum-yum-yum-yum-yum-yum!" Chicken? 101 00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:39,760 MAKES CHICKEN NOISES 102 00:05:39,760 --> 00:05:41,720 Creo que es un idiota. 103 00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:43,120 Si, el es un idiota. 104 00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:47,320 I think idiot means something completely different in Spanish! 105 00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:50,040 Actually, it's the same thing. Right. 106 00:05:50,040 --> 00:05:51,560 This is an absolute disaster. 107 00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:53,880 I mean, I probably should have seen this coming, right? 108 00:05:53,880 --> 00:05:56,560 Cos we just used to write to each other in Latin, so... 109 00:05:56,560 --> 00:05:57,920 ..wait. 110 00:05:57,920 --> 00:05:59,360 Game on! 111 00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:02,280 Te amo. Te amo. 112 00:06:02,280 --> 00:06:05,800 The international language of love, Latin. 113 00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:07,600 What can I get you? 114 00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:08,960 SPEAKS LATIN 115 00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:11,280 I... I'm so sorry, I do not speak Latin. 116 00:06:11,280 --> 00:06:12,880 Idiota! 117 00:06:14,480 --> 00:06:16,320 Do you think you'll see each other again? 118 00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:18,920 Er, yeah. I mean, we're getting married in ten days, 119 00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:21,800 Heads! Sorry, bro. Great touch, though 120 00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:23,520 That's just my little brother, Prince Henry. 121 00:06:23,520 --> 00:06:26,400 Ah. Henry, er... Ocho. 122 00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:27,560 Henry VIII?! 123 00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:28,800 HE CACKLES 124 00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:30,840 No! Fat chance of that. 125 00:06:30,840 --> 00:06:32,880 He can only be called that if he became king, 126 00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:35,480 and that's not going to happen unless I die, so... No. 127 00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:38,000 Once we get married, you'll never have to worry about him ever again. 128 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:40,920 Bull's-eye! Right, come here! 129 00:06:50,280 --> 00:06:52,440 Gives me all the feels, actually. 130 00:06:57,720 --> 00:07:01,440 Bonjour. I am Mary Queen of Scots and, as you can imagine, 131 00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:04,280 being Queen of Scotland made me quite a catch 132 00:07:04,280 --> 00:07:06,680 in the 16th-century dating world. 133 00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:08,640 I'm also well fit! 134 00:07:08,640 --> 00:07:10,520 Ssss... Ouch. Ha-ha! 135 00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:13,480 My hand in marriage was so sought after 136 00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:17,840 that I was engaged to be married when I was just six months old. 137 00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:21,120 Henry VIII wanted me to marry his son, Prince Edward. 138 00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:25,920 But, tell me, what did he send to help seal the marriage? 139 00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:28,640 I like presents. Who doesn't? 140 00:07:28,640 --> 00:07:29,840 Did he send... 141 00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:33,400 Aw! 142 00:07:34,560 --> 00:07:35,920 Ooh! 143 00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:38,360 Oh. 144 00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:39,720 The answer is... 145 00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:41,680 ..C! He sent an army. 146 00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:44,680 He started a war to make sure I married his son. 147 00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:48,720 It's called the Rough Wooing, and it lasted for eight years, 148 00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:51,360 so I married the King of France instead. 149 00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:53,480 Do one, Edward! 150 00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:54,800 You see? 151 00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:58,080 You probably think that princes and princesses have an easy life, 152 00:07:58,080 --> 00:08:00,640 but that's not always been the case, 153 00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:02,000 Mm, mm, mm. 154 00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:05,320 Back in history, they were often married off to other royals 155 00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:08,480 just to make their own family more powerful. 156 00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:09,960 And if THAT sounds bad, 157 00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:13,000 wait until you see what giving birth could be like! 158 00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:16,560 It's poor old Marie Antoinette again. Hmm... 159 00:08:18,440 --> 00:08:19,960 Oh, where is my husband? 160 00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:22,040 Er, I cannot see the King, Your Majesty, 161 00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:24,360 unless he is at the back? 162 00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:25,640 SHE GROANS 163 00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:28,960 Why are they watching? I'm trying to give birth here. 164 00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:32,760 Right this way. Room at the front, Your Majesty. 165 00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:34,120 I love a royal birth! 166 00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:37,080 Don't get me wrong, an execution is fun but it is over so quickly. 167 00:08:37,080 --> 00:08:40,040 Darling, do we really have to have all of these people here watching? 168 00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:43,520 My love, we are here to celebrate the birth of a prince... 169 00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:44,640 ..or princess. 170 00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:46,840 WHIMPERING We need an audience! 171 00:08:46,840 --> 00:08:49,240 We need witnesses to prove the Queen ACTUALLY gave birth 172 00:08:49,240 --> 00:08:51,480 and they didn't use somebody else's baby. 173 00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:54,600 Plus, if it is a girl, it stops them swapping it out for a boy, 174 00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:56,640 so the King then has an heir. 175 00:08:56,640 --> 00:08:58,520 Bonjour! DOOR KNOCKS 176 00:08:58,520 --> 00:09:00,760 Oh, the doctor has arrived! It is a bit quiet in here. 177 00:09:00,760 --> 00:09:04,360 I thought you were having a royal birth. More people! What?! 178 00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:07,560 I was only here to sweep the chimney. 179 00:09:07,560 --> 00:09:10,120 Urgh! Get your grubby stick away from me! 180 00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:13,160 Ignore them, my darling. Just imagine they are not there. 181 00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:17,680 What if I didn't have to imagine and they actually weren't there? 182 00:09:17,680 --> 00:09:19,920 THEY GASP She doesn't mean it. 183 00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:21,480 I do. It is coming. 184 00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:23,280 THEY CHEER 185 00:09:23,280 --> 00:09:25,600 How do you feel? A little bit woozy, actually. 186 00:09:25,600 --> 00:09:27,000 He was talking to... Ah! 187 00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:29,160 Can somebody open the window, please? 188 00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:30,800 The Princess de Lamballe 189 00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:32,400 clearly needs some air! 190 00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:33,800 OK. Everyone ready? 191 00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:35,120 Oui. 192 00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:37,520 Where are the... THEY EXCLAIM 193 00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:40,560 Don't panic. I will stick a spike into her foot 194 00:09:40,560 --> 00:09:42,400 to release the blood pressure in her body. 195 00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:44,520 Will that work? It will certainly wake her up. 196 00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:45,680 SHE CRIES 197 00:09:45,680 --> 00:09:47,760 She's back! THEY CHEER 198 00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:49,480 Come on, Your Majesty, push! 199 00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:51,720 SHE GROANS Push! 200 00:09:51,720 --> 00:09:54,840 GROANING CONTINUES Push! Push! Push... 201 00:09:56,600 --> 00:09:59,120 BABY CRIES Push. 202 00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:00,680 It's a girl. 203 00:10:00,680 --> 00:10:03,200 Yay... DISAPPOINTED GROANING 204 00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:05,240 Er, that's OK. It's good, that's good! 205 00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:08,280 Er... OK, so, er... I need some time to meet my daughter, so... 206 00:10:08,280 --> 00:10:09,680 Everyone, out! 207 00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:12,560 The King needs some private time with his new daughter. 208 00:10:12,560 --> 00:10:14,680 This is a very, very personal moment. 209 00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:16,600 That is a "personal moment?!" 210 00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:18,520 I've just had a baby in public! 211 00:10:18,520 --> 00:10:20,120 Unbelievable. 212 00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:26,480 My first wife, Catherine of Aragon, gave me a daughter, Princess Mary, 213 00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:28,120 which was great and everything, 214 00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:32,280 but I wanted a son and heir to my throne - a prince! 215 00:10:32,280 --> 00:10:35,840 Erm, I did actually then have a son but, erm... 216 00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:39,800 ..not with the Queen, so he couldn't be an official prince. 217 00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:44,080 Awkward! Er... But now my second wife Anne is pregnant 218 00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:47,360 and I'm certain it's going to be prince time, baby! 219 00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:50,440 Although I wouldn't lose my head if it's a girl. 220 00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:52,000 Someone might, though... 221 00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:57,160 Anne Boleyn, my new wife, is pregnant and everybody's thrilled! 222 00:10:57,160 --> 00:10:59,200 You lie about my mum to get a divorce, 223 00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:01,040 you ban me from visiting her, 224 00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:03,240 and you say I'm not a princess any more, 225 00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:06,880 and you expect me to be happy about your wife being pregnant? 226 00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:09,680 Too right, Mary! Can I get a "whoop-whoop"? 227 00:11:09,680 --> 00:11:11,600 Yeah, she's pretty upset. 228 00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:14,360 I should probably go see if she's OK... 229 00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:18,120 ..or, I can organise a special joust for the birth of my son. 230 00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:20,240 It's bound to be a boy this time. 231 00:11:21,680 --> 00:11:23,600 Right? Wrong! 232 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:28,360 King Henry is delighted to announce the birth of the Prince...ess. 233 00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:30,600 The whole point of divorcing the last one 234 00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:32,000 was so that I could get a son, 235 00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:33,480 and now look what's happened! 236 00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:36,120 A beautiful, healthy baby girl. 237 00:11:36,120 --> 00:11:38,440 Oh, not now! Guys, read the room. 238 00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:43,120 Can I just double check that... 239 00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:45,200 She's definitely a girl! ..OK, fine. 240 00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:49,040 BABY SHRIEKING 241 00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:51,560 Urgh! 242 00:11:51,560 --> 00:11:54,480 Father. Hello. Father's fake wife... 243 00:11:56,880 --> 00:11:58,720 Queen Anne, actually. 244 00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:02,440 For now. Let's see what happens next time you don't have a son. 245 00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:05,280 Speaking of the King's sons. Henry Fitzroy in the house! 246 00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:08,560 You don't count. 247 00:12:08,560 --> 00:12:11,840 Ugh! JUST cos the King wasn't married to my mum. Typical. 248 00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:13,000 Sorry, guys. 249 00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:15,600 I can't believe you gave him better rooms than me at Christmas. 250 00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:19,000 It's going to be one of those days. Right. Can we try and smile, yeah? 251 00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:25,800 Wonderful news, Mary. We want you to live with Princess Elizabeth. 252 00:12:25,800 --> 00:12:28,280 ELIZABETH CRIES It will be convenient 253 00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:31,400 because you will be working for her... As a servant. 254 00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:33,120 That's no position for a princess. 255 00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:36,240 But you're not a princess any more, are you? 256 00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:39,000 Your daddy took your title away, didn't you, darling? 257 00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:41,240 Hmm? I certainly feel a bit peckish, actually. 258 00:12:41,240 --> 00:12:42,680 No. Stay where you are. 259 00:12:42,680 --> 00:12:46,320 Dad! You can't let that woman talk... Er, the QUEEN! 260 00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:49,880 ..my mother, Catherine of Aragon, is the Queen. 261 00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:51,480 Not any more, she isn't. 262 00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:52,720 SHE GRUNTS 263 00:12:52,720 --> 00:12:55,120 I'm just going to go grab a couple of pork chops... 264 00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:57,520 Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh! Uh. 265 00:12:57,520 --> 00:12:59,280 I eat when I'm nervous. 266 00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:01,240 And when I'm not nervous. 267 00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:02,640 I'm a hungry boy! 268 00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:07,040 They've taken away my household. 269 00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:10,000 Anne Boleyn has destroyed my life. 270 00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:12,080 I'm not calling her "Queen" 271 00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:14,680 and I'm not calling her daughter "Princess" 272 00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:17,640 and I'm not agreeing with her about anything, ever! 273 00:13:17,640 --> 00:13:19,760 Hey, guys. Just came to say hello to the baby. 274 00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:21,280 What's HE doing here? 275 00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:24,160 Weird. Suddenly all I can think about is pork chops. 276 00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:25,400 A chop off the old block. 277 00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:27,080 Oh, I hate him. 278 00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:28,600 Oh, jinx! Ha-ha! 279 00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:32,760 No, you can't keep calling yourself "princess." 280 00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:34,240 This is my final word. 281 00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:35,560 Please, Daddy! 282 00:13:35,560 --> 00:13:37,280 Oh, go on, then. You can carry on. 283 00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:40,600 What?! What can I say. I'm a big softie. 284 00:13:40,600 --> 00:13:41,960 I'm a princess. 285 00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:44,400 Have we had lunch already? 286 00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:48,440 Better have another one, just to be on the safe side. Yeah? 287 00:13:48,440 --> 00:13:49,720 Lunch. Let's wrap it up. 288 00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:54,720 Hi, I'm the Prince of Wales, 289 00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:57,360 and when my old man, King George III, dies, 290 00:13:57,360 --> 00:13:59,560 I'm going to be made King George IV. 291 00:13:59,560 --> 00:14:01,480 Let's hope that's not too far away. 292 00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:03,840 I'm King George III, his father, 293 00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:05,480 and I'm still alive. 294 00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:08,560 What's the best thing about being a prince? 295 00:14:08,560 --> 00:14:11,520 Well, all that pampering. Spoilt rotten. I blame your mother. 296 00:14:11,520 --> 00:14:14,120 She thought he was so perfect that she put him on display to the public 297 00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:15,560 when he was just a week old. 298 00:14:15,560 --> 00:14:19,560 And people came from all over just to see His Royal Cuteness. 299 00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:21,360 I mean, you just looked like any other baby. 300 00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:22,920 Yeah, well, Mummy didn't think so. 301 00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:25,560 She had a life-size waxwork model made of me, 302 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:28,120 kept it in this little glass display jar. 303 00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:31,120 Actually kind of creepy now that I think about it but, er... 304 00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:32,520 Dad? 305 00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:38,680 Am I going to be King George IV? 306 00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:40,720 HE SNORES No! 307 00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:42,600 Kingly sleep. What's wrong with you? 308 00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:49,200 Many princes and princesses lived a life of luxury. 309 00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:52,680 But others had much more difficult lives. 310 00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:55,880 Some suffered like you wouldn't believe. 311 00:14:55,880 --> 00:15:00,000 One 18th-century African prince was taken from his home, 312 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:03,840 sold into slavery and forced to travel to America, 313 00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:08,400 where he did back-breaking work on a cotton plantation in Mississippi. 314 00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,520 His life did eventually improve a little, 315 00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:13,800 but it took time - a long time. 316 00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:16,280 A long, long, long time. 317 00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:18,360 Ladies and gentlemen, 318 00:15:18,360 --> 00:15:22,680 I am Prince Abdul Rahman Ibrahima Sori. 319 00:15:22,680 --> 00:15:25,120 Thank you all for coming tonight 320 00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:29,360 to hear the tale of my escape from captivity. 321 00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:30,760 Oh, forget it! 322 00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:32,560 I can't believe me eye. 323 00:15:32,560 --> 00:15:34,360 Could it really be? 324 00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:35,920 Prince Abdul! 325 00:15:35,920 --> 00:15:38,000 Oh, he tell you he was a prince, too? 326 00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:40,120 Yeah, ignore him. He's just a slave. 327 00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:44,000 Prince Abdul, it's me - Dr John Coates Cox. 328 00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:46,320 Oh! Your father, King Ibrahima, saved me life 329 00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:47,920 when I was in West Africa. 330 00:15:47,920 --> 00:15:50,360 Dr Cox! Ha-ha! 331 00:15:50,360 --> 00:15:53,040 Oh, I was taken from my family's kingdom, 332 00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:55,840 and I have been enslaved here for 19 years. 333 00:15:55,840 --> 00:15:57,040 I'm so sorry, Abdul. 334 00:15:57,040 --> 00:16:00,200 Hey! In your face, grumpy villager lady! 335 00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:03,160 I'm a prince! It's true, he is a prince. 336 00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:05,160 Well, that's nice. 337 00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:06,880 The authorities here won't care. 338 00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:08,440 He's still enslaved. 339 00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:11,760 Over my dead body. Your Royal Highness, 340 00:16:11,760 --> 00:16:15,040 you will be free within a year. 341 00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:16,920 21 years later, 342 00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:18,800 I was still a slave, 343 00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:22,840 and my potential rescuer, Dr Cox, was dead. 344 00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:25,320 AUDIENCE GASPS But, while my hopes were fading, 345 00:16:25,320 --> 00:16:28,680 others were still fighting my cause. 346 00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:32,600 Thank you for continuing Dr Cox's work, Mr Marshall, 347 00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:33,960 but I'm still here. 348 00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:37,120 So, I wrote to your father, the Sultan of Morocco, 349 00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:40,320 and now he's written to the President of America. 350 00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:42,320 The Sultan of Morocco is not my father. 351 00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:44,000 Are you sure? I'm pretty sure, yeah. 352 00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:47,760 Anyway, the Sultan was so moved that he wrote directly 353 00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:52,480 to President Adams, who has now approved your journey home. 354 00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:53,800 To Morocco? 355 00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:55,400 Uh-huh. Which is not my home. 356 00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:57,480 I'll admit, there's some details that need ironing out 357 00:16:57,480 --> 00:16:59,320 but, Prince Abdul, don't you see? 358 00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:01,680 You can leave this place. You're free. 359 00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:03,240 STRING MUSIC PLAYS 360 00:17:03,240 --> 00:17:05,240 This is really happening. 361 00:17:05,240 --> 00:17:06,440 Where's my wife? 362 00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:09,640 Darling, get the children. We are all free! 363 00:17:09,640 --> 00:17:11,520 Ooh... MUSIC GRINDS TO A HALT 364 00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:14,760 You did get the freedom for my wife and children, right? 365 00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:17,640 Er, this is awkward. 366 00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:19,600 My eight children. 367 00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:21,640 Hmm. I'm a free man now. 368 00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:23,520 I will do it myself. 369 00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:27,400 And that is why I am here today, telling my story 370 00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:31,160 and raising money to buy freedom for the rest of my family. 371 00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:33,920 And I will not rest until I am done. 372 00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:36,240 Can't your dad, the Sultan of Morocco, help? 373 00:17:36,240 --> 00:17:38,160 Not my dad! 374 00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:40,160 Please, pay attention. 375 00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:43,480 Huh! This tour is very long. 376 00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:46,480 Prince Abdul did eventually make it back to Africa, 377 00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:50,160 but he sadly died before reaching his home again. 378 00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:51,640 Some princes and princesses 379 00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:54,440 choose to live their lives differently to most royals, 380 00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:56,560 and march to the beat of their own drum, 381 00:17:56,560 --> 00:18:00,280 like my fellow suffragette Princess Sophia Duleep Singh. 382 00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:01,760 Have you not heard of her? Wow! 383 00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:04,760 She's a huge celeb here in Edwardian England. 384 00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:07,760 She uses her fame to raise awareness for our cause - 385 00:18:07,760 --> 00:18:10,240 votes for women, votes for women! 386 00:18:10,240 --> 00:18:14,280 Votes for women! Votes for women! Votes for women! 387 00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:15,920 D'ah! Votes for women! 388 00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:19,120 Ah. Votes for women! Votes for women! 389 00:18:19,120 --> 00:18:22,080 Hi, cuz, don't see you at Hampton Court much. 390 00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:23,920 I thought Buckingham Palace was your vibe. 391 00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:26,160 Er, I'm not your cuz, Princess Sophia. 392 00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:27,760 I am your king. Whatever. 393 00:18:27,760 --> 00:18:31,160 Make it quick. I've got rights to fight for and bikes to fix. 394 00:18:31,160 --> 00:18:34,160 OK, look, I know you're not a member of the British royal family, 395 00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:36,640 but you are a princess, and we royals are expected 396 00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:39,040 to behave in certain ways. 397 00:18:39,040 --> 00:18:40,640 Give us a hand oiling this chain. 398 00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:42,640 Certainly not! The daughter of a maharaja 399 00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:44,720 should ride in a coach, not on a...a bike. 400 00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:47,760 Yeah, but I'm the newspaper's face of female cycling. 401 00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:50,440 And how can you campaign for equality riding in a royal carriage? 402 00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:51,760 Look, Princess Sophia, 403 00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:54,480 your behaviour is embarrassing the family. 404 00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:56,400 Any more and I shall have to ask you 405 00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:58,920 to stop living in Hampton Court Palace. 406 00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:03,280 You can't. Your grandmother, Queen Victoria, was my godmother, 407 00:19:03,280 --> 00:19:06,080 and she gave me these rooms to live in before she died. 408 00:19:06,080 --> 00:19:07,240 They're mine. 409 00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:09,480 Cycling, selling suffragette newspapers, 410 00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:12,440 protesting with a troublemaking rabble. 411 00:19:12,440 --> 00:19:15,160 I'm just trying to do my bit. 412 00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:18,920 Oh! You could do your bit by paying some taxes. 413 00:19:18,920 --> 00:19:23,320 I won't pay tax until women have fair representation in Government. 414 00:19:23,320 --> 00:19:26,360 Votes for women! Votes for women! 415 00:19:26,360 --> 00:19:27,800 Right. Votes for women! 416 00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:31,080 Fine! Do what you want, forget you're a royal. 417 00:19:31,080 --> 00:19:34,560 Please, try and make sure to keep your room tidy. 418 00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:36,120 Tidy my room? 419 00:19:36,120 --> 00:19:38,800 No way! We have maids for that. 420 00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:41,760 I am a princess, after all. 421 00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:46,120 Votes for women! Votes for women! Votes for women! 422 00:19:53,480 --> 00:19:57,480 Alfhild, your mother and I can't always be with you... Oh. 423 00:19:57,480 --> 00:20:00,640 ..making sure you don't meet any boys. 424 00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:03,680 Uh... That's why we're putting a couple of deadly snakes 425 00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:05,320 in your room... Ah! 426 00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:06,600 ..to keep them away. 427 00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:08,520 SHE YELPS Sleep well. What? 428 00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:12,280 But don't touch them. Oh, snakes, get off! 429 00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:14,840 I'll never get a boyfriend now. 430 00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:15,880 I'm... 431 00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:18,200 You're going to get killed 432 00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:23,280 Or you'll end up dead 433 00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:26,360 Go away! 434 00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:31,400 And those are some serious stakes 435 00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:40,200 Like a princess from an old-school fairy tale, 436 00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:42,880 Alfhild wants to find her prince. 437 00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:47,440 Prince Alf, you got past the snakes and rescued me. 438 00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:50,920 Let's get married. It'll be... 439 00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:58,560 and silver frocks 440 00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:09,000 What? You are getting married? 441 00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:11,360 All you know about him is that he can avoid snakes. 442 00:21:11,360 --> 00:21:13,160 Ah! Fine, you win. 443 00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:15,400 What? I won't marry him. What?! Yes! 444 00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:17,920 I'll dress up as a man and become a pirate! 445 00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:20,240 Happy now? Oh! Er... 446 00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:21,880 Wait, what just happened? 447 00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:23,880 Alfhild, the true story of the princess 448 00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:26,200 whose parents filled her bedroom with snakes 449 00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:28,680 and who ran off to become a pirate. 450 00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:30,680 That's for me 451 00:21:32,920 --> 00:21:35,320 Yeah! 452 00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:41,880 Alfhild, a princess tale like you've never seen before. 453 00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:44,920 Erm, I'm still a bit confused by the whole pirate thing. 454 00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:48,040 Oh, and does anyone have any anti-venom for my bottom? 455 00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:49,440 Oh! 456 00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:56,560 so that you can 457 00:21:56,560 --> 00:21:59,360 in a private place 458 00:21:59,360 --> 00:22:02,720 with a cape to hide your face 459 00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:05,400 And then you're done 460 00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:08,280 if you did a two or one 461 00:22:10,160 --> 00:22:14,400 Please welcome today's historical figure who really needs the loo - 462 00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:16,760 Bonnie Prince Charlie! 463 00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:19,200 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 464 00:22:21,720 --> 00:22:23,320 Greetings, friend. Ah! 465 00:22:23,320 --> 00:22:26,120 Are you Bonnie Prince Charlie, the 18th-century prince 466 00:22:26,120 --> 00:22:28,560 who laid clam to the thrones of England, Scotland 467 00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:29,960 and Ireland? 468 00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:33,000 Yeah! Mm. Who are you? Sorry, I just really need the loo. 469 00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:34,120 HE FARTS 470 00:22:34,120 --> 00:22:36,520 I...am Loo Man! 471 00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:37,920 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 472 00:22:37,920 --> 00:22:40,640 You have travelled through time from the 18th century 473 00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:43,840 to use my first-rate toilet facility! 474 00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:45,400 Oh! 475 00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:48,160 It's...Plop Quiz! 476 00:22:48,160 --> 00:22:49,320 RECORDED FART 477 00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:51,160 What? Answer questions one and two 478 00:22:51,160 --> 00:22:53,600 and I'll let you do a... Poo! 479 00:22:53,600 --> 00:22:55,320 I really, really need the toilet, so can we...? 480 00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:57,720 Say no more. Question number one. 481 00:22:57,720 --> 00:23:00,600 What is your proudest moment? 482 00:23:00,600 --> 00:23:02,760 Well, my grandfather, James II... FART 483 00:23:02,760 --> 00:23:06,200 ..was robbed of his English throne during the Glorious Revolution, 484 00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:08,040 just for being a bit Catholic. FART 485 00:23:08,040 --> 00:23:09,760 Er, so my proudest moment would be 486 00:23:09,760 --> 00:23:11,840 when I and my Jacobite troops 487 00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:14,920 crushed the British in battle... FART 488 00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:17,160 bringing me closer to taking my throne back 489 00:23:17,160 --> 00:23:20,160 from the usurper George II. FART 490 00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:21,880 Throne, as in the toilet? 491 00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:23,800 No, the throne as in the throne! 492 00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:27,360 I am the rightful King of Britain and I really need a poo! 493 00:23:27,360 --> 00:23:29,320 FART All right. 494 00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:31,320 Question number two. Mm! 495 00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:33,640 Number two - it gets me every time. 496 00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:34,760 Come on, come on, come on, come on! 497 00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:35,880 FART Ooh! 498 00:23:35,880 --> 00:23:38,360 What was your most embarrassing moment? 499 00:23:38,360 --> 00:23:40,920 Er, our rebellion ran out of luck around the time of 500 00:23:40,920 --> 00:23:42,360 the Battle of Culloden... FART 501 00:23:42,360 --> 00:23:44,560 and the English captured 3,500 of my men 502 00:23:44,560 --> 00:23:46,120 and executed 120. 503 00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:47,680 And? FART 504 00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:50,080 I had to escape in a boat while disguised as an Irish maid. 505 00:23:50,080 --> 00:23:52,840 Now, can I please go to the toilet? I'm nearly touching tartan! 506 00:23:52,840 --> 00:23:54,520 You may pass... 507 00:23:54,520 --> 00:23:55,960 liquids and/or solids. 508 00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:57,520 That honks, man! 509 00:23:57,520 --> 00:23:58,800 Come on. 510 00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:02,400 Join me next time, when I'll be stopping another historical celeb 511 00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:05,160 from doing a poo, to ask the questions... 512 00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:07,240 FART ..just for... 513 00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:09,720 Want to say it with me, Bonnie Prince Charlie? 514 00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:11,800 Just for you. 515 00:24:19,160 --> 00:24:20,720 Hi, I'm Prince Edward, 516 00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:22,720 eldest son of Edward III. 517 00:24:22,720 --> 00:24:25,880 Earl of Chester, Prince of Wales, Duke of Cornwall, 518 00:24:25,880 --> 00:24:27,800 and absolute lad! 519 00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:29,760 People also called me the Black Prince 520 00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:34,080 on account of my sleek black armour, and because I'm hard as nails. 521 00:24:34,080 --> 00:24:36,040 What's the best thing about being a prince? 522 00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:37,520 Easy. 523 00:24:37,520 --> 00:24:38,840 The weapons. 524 00:24:38,840 --> 00:24:40,520 Like this bad boy. 525 00:24:40,520 --> 00:24:43,240 Mwah, mwah, mwah! 526 00:24:43,240 --> 00:24:45,200 This beauty's retired now, 527 00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:48,400 but I've given it a place of honour in the Royal Hall. 528 00:24:48,400 --> 00:24:51,040 Every day, it gets fed a ration of its own food. 529 00:24:51,040 --> 00:24:53,000 Got to keep your strength up, haven't we? 530 00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:55,240 Huh? What's that? 531 00:24:55,240 --> 00:24:57,600 He likes chops! 532 00:24:57,600 --> 00:24:59,560 Such a great sense of humour. 533 00:25:00,560 --> 00:25:04,520 So that was some of history's most pitiful princes and princesses. 534 00:25:04,520 --> 00:25:08,160 And many of them never even got to be King or Queen, 535 00:25:08,160 --> 00:25:09,880 especially the girls. 536 00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:14,040 Until 2013, it was the oldest boy who took the throne, 537 00:25:14,040 --> 00:25:17,600 even if he had older sisters. Imagine! 538 00:25:17,600 --> 00:25:19,640 The most important thing you've got to do 539 00:25:19,640 --> 00:25:23,240 if you want to be in charge is to stay alive, 540 00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:25,640 and that wasn't so easy in the old days. 541 00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:28,240 Just ask the Black Prince Edward, Prince Arthur Tudor, 542 00:25:28,240 --> 00:25:30,520 and Frederick, Prince of Wales. 543 00:25:56,880 --> 00:25:58,280 HE RETCHES 544 00:26:01,600 --> 00:26:06,480 To my brother 545 00:26:31,880 --> 00:26:35,200 That stylish warrior 546 00:26:41,920 --> 00:26:45,920 Fred was below par 547 00:26:45,920 --> 00:26:50,800 We can't rule on 548 00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:54,480 So let's hear it for the roll call 549 00:27:00,920 --> 00:27:04,720 you never had 550 00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:10,480 Drew his last breath 551 00:27:12,720 --> 00:27:15,680 But pooed himself to death 552 00:27:15,680 --> 00:27:17,760 FART Ah, ah, ah 553 00:27:23,280 --> 00:27:25,120 Alphonso? 554 00:27:25,120 --> 00:27:26,680 Yeah, Alphonso. 555 00:27:26,680 --> 00:27:27,760 Dad was Edward I. 556 00:27:27,760 --> 00:27:30,360 I was going to be King of England but I died in 1284. 557 00:27:30,360 --> 00:27:32,080 HE TUTS Come on. 558 00:27:32,080 --> 00:27:34,400 But we were gone 559 00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:37,200 a King Alphonso 560 00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:40,200 to be anointing 561 00:27:40,200 --> 00:27:42,920 Dead disappointing 562 00:27:42,920 --> 00:27:45,520 The sad procession 563 00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:48,600 We've no succession 564 00:27:48,600 --> 00:27:51,040 That much is clear 565 00:27:59,280 --> 00:28:03,000 Er, could we all stop going on about how I pooed myself to death? 566 00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:04,760 There's nothing wrong with pooing yourself to death. 567 00:28:04,760 --> 00:28:06,160 People did it all the time. 568 00:28:06,160 --> 00:28:07,400 Shut up, Alphonso. 569 00:28:07,400 --> 00:28:08,800 DRUM BOOMS 42907

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