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Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians
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00:00:04,600 --> 00:00:07,000
Dingy castles, daring knights
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00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:09,800
Cut-throat Celts, Awful Egyptians
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00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:12,200
Punishment from ancient times
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00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:15,040
Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless
6
00:00:15,040 --> 00:00:18,040
Mean and Measly Middle Ages
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Have you ever dreamt of being
a prince or princess,
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living in a fancy castle, wearing
cool crowns,
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and drinking only the finest bin
juices?
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SLURPING
Hmm, nice!
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Of course, that only happens by
magic in fairy stories.
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00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:58,480
Normally, a lot of work goes into
being a royal.
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00:00:58,480 --> 00:01:02,480
Guys, what an incredible show we've
got for you today!
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I'm famous French hairdresser Sieur
Larsenneur.
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And I'm portrait artist, Joseph
Ducreux,
16
00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:10,880
and we are here to collect an
Austrian princess.
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00:01:10,880 --> 00:01:13,920
Say hi to the viewers. H-Hello.
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00:01:13,920 --> 00:01:17,080
This princess knows she's heading to
France to marry Prince Louis,
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00:01:17,080 --> 00:01:19,080
who is going to be king one day.
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What she DOESN'T know is how much
the French public
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will hate her if she looks Austrian.
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What?!
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They literally won't let her into the
country looking like this.
24
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They'll rip her to shreds!
25
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Which, quite frankly, would be
an improvement.
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00:01:32,280 --> 00:01:36,360
So we're here to make this Austrian
wench look really French.
27
00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:51,120
Now, I'm thinking we'll call you
"Marie Antoinette."
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But that is not my name.
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My name is Maria Antonia.
30
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Not any more! We're changing it to
Marie Antoinette.
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00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:58,080
It sounds more French.
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00:01:58,080 --> 00:02:00,680
Future Queen of France, let's
dance!
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00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:08,720
What is going on with this hair?
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You've got it scraped back so far,
it's pulling out the roots in clumps.
35
00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:14,760
But it's very fashionable in
Austria.
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Huh! That explains everything...
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00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:19,200
At the moment, honey, this forehead
gives me a sore head.
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Oh, MG, you are SO right!
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00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:24,040
That's why, when I was sent to
Austria to paint you,
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00:02:24,040 --> 00:02:28,120
I painted what I WANTED to see,
not what I DID see.
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00:02:28,120 --> 00:02:32,240
She is so fresh, so fly, so French.
42
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It doesn't look anything like me.
43
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Exactly!
44
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So good. Thank you.
45
00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:45,080
Wow. It's magnificent. I know.
46
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Now, sweetie, we want this makeover
to get you smiling again,
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but only after we've fixed your
disgusting Austrian fangs.
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00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:57,120
Look at those jagged little teeth
pointing out all over the place.
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00:02:57,120 --> 00:02:59,520
It's like, "Guys, pick a direction!"
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00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:04,040
So we're going to give you a very
beautiful and very straight smile
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00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:06,240
and all it will take is some
light dentistry
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00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:08,840
using these state of the art metal
tools.
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00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:12,240
Ah! Won't that hurt? You won't feel
a thing...
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00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:13,440
Oh.
55
00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:16,960
..because you'll feel everything!
We don't have pain relief.
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00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:20,840
Open wide! Let's make your dentures
all Frenchers.
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00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:22,160
SHE WHIMPERS
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00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:23,520
MIMICKING
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When we met Maria Antonia she was a
real "No, no, no-nia."
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00:03:30,720 --> 00:03:34,240
But Marie Antoinette is tres chic.
She's glamorous.
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00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:38,480
She can barely move her mouth
after agonising dental surgery,
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but she is fit for France.
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00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:42,040
Ah oui, oui, oui, oui, oui!
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CHEERING
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00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:46,560
So, what do you think of your
transformation? Are you happy?
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00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:47,760
MUFFLED WHIMPERING
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00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:50,560
Oh, she's speechless.
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00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:55,320
And now, you're finally ready to
enter France and marry a prince.
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Yas, queen!
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This is the happi... Argh! Happiest
day of my life. Oh!
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00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:01,960
Let's dance!
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00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:03,280
Woo!
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00:04:07,040 --> 00:04:09,560
Yeah, we probably should have
worked on her dancing, too.
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00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:11,480
Definitely.
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00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:14,080
Please, just stop. You're
embarrassing everyone.
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00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:18,200
Some can spend their whole lives
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00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:20,520
searching for true love and never
find it.
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00:04:20,520 --> 00:04:23,600
But for Prince Arthur, Tudor heir to
the throne of England,
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00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:26,840
his true love was arranged by his
father's lawyers
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00:04:26,840 --> 00:04:30,520
as part of a peace treaty when he was
two years old.
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00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:32,000
And they say romance is dead!
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00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:34,920
But while Arthur has known the
name of his true love
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since he was a toddler,
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00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:38,760
this will be their VERY first
date.
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Enjoy.
86
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I really hope we get on.
87
00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:45,520
We're getting married at the end of
next week.
88
00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:47,920
Prince Arthur's first date
and soon to be wife
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00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:51,440
is Spanish Princess Catherine of
Aragon.
90
00:04:51,440 --> 00:04:53,400
So great to finally meet you.
91
00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:57,080
I'm Prince Arthur. My father is
King Henry VII...
92
00:04:57,080 --> 00:04:58,720
..er, which means I will be
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00:04:58,720 --> 00:05:02,040
the first official King Arthur of
Britain, eventually.
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00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:04,840
Hi.
95
00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:19,800
So it turns out she can't speak any
English at all,
96
00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:24,440
which is, you know, a shame, cos
English is my best language.
97
00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:28,720
Gracias, chorizo, Barcelona.
98
00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:30,360
Nachos. Si?
99
00:05:32,760 --> 00:05:35,440
You like food? "Food"?
100
00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:38,000
"Oh, yum-yum-yum-yum-yum-yum!"
Chicken?
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MAKES CHICKEN NOISES
102
00:05:39,760 --> 00:05:41,720
Creo que es un idiota.
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00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:43,120
Si, el es un idiota.
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00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:47,320
I think idiot means something
completely different in Spanish!
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00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:50,040
Actually, it's the same thing.
Right.
106
00:05:50,040 --> 00:05:51,560
This is an absolute disaster.
107
00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:53,880
I mean, I probably should have seen
this coming, right?
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00:05:53,880 --> 00:05:56,560
Cos we just used to write to each
other in Latin, so...
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..wait.
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Game on!
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00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:02,280
Te amo. Te amo.
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00:06:02,280 --> 00:06:05,800
The international language of
love, Latin.
113
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What can I get you?
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00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:08,960
SPEAKS LATIN
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I... I'm so sorry, I do not speak
Latin.
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Idiota!
117
00:06:14,480 --> 00:06:16,320
Do you think you'll see each other
again?
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00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:18,920
Er, yeah. I mean, we're getting
married in ten days,
119
00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:21,800
Heads! Sorry, bro. Great touch,
though
120
00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:23,520
That's just my little brother,
Prince Henry.
121
00:06:23,520 --> 00:06:26,400
Ah. Henry, er... Ocho.
122
00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:27,560
Henry VIII?!
123
00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:28,800
HE CACKLES
124
00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:30,840
No! Fat chance of that.
125
00:06:30,840 --> 00:06:32,880
He can only be called that if
he became king,
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00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:35,480
and that's not going to happen
unless I die, so... No.
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00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:38,000
Once we get married, you'll never
have to worry about him ever again.
128
00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:40,920
Bull's-eye! Right, come here!
129
00:06:50,280 --> 00:06:52,440
Gives me all the feels, actually.
130
00:06:57,720 --> 00:07:01,440
Bonjour. I am Mary Queen of Scots
and, as you can imagine,
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00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:04,280
being Queen of Scotland made me
quite a catch
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00:07:04,280 --> 00:07:06,680
in the 16th-century dating world.
133
00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:08,640
I'm also well fit!
134
00:07:08,640 --> 00:07:10,520
Ssss... Ouch. Ha-ha!
135
00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:13,480
My hand in marriage was so sought
after
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00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:17,840
that I was engaged to be married
when I was just six months old.
137
00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:21,120
Henry VIII wanted me to marry his
son, Prince Edward.
138
00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:25,920
But, tell me, what did he send to
help seal the marriage?
139
00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:28,640
I like presents. Who
doesn't?
140
00:07:28,640 --> 00:07:29,840
Did he send...
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00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:33,400
Aw!
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00:07:34,560 --> 00:07:35,920
Ooh!
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00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:38,360
Oh.
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00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:39,720
The answer is...
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00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:41,680
..C! He sent an army.
146
00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:44,680
He started a war to
make sure I married his son.
147
00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:48,720
It's called the Rough Wooing, and it
lasted for eight years,
148
00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:51,360
so I married the King of France
instead.
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Do one, Edward!
150
00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:54,800
You see?
151
00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:58,080
You probably think that princes and
princesses have an easy life,
152
00:07:58,080 --> 00:08:00,640
but that's not always been the case,
153
00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:02,000
Mm, mm, mm.
154
00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:05,320
Back in history, they were often
married off to other royals
155
00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:08,480
just to make their own family
more powerful.
156
00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:09,960
And if THAT sounds bad,
157
00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:13,000
wait until you see what giving birth
could be like!
158
00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:16,560
It's poor old Marie Antoinette
again. Hmm...
159
00:08:18,440 --> 00:08:19,960
Oh, where is my husband?
160
00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:22,040
Er, I cannot see the King, Your
Majesty,
161
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unless he is at the back?
162
00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:25,640
SHE GROANS
163
00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:28,960
Why are they watching? I'm
trying to give birth here.
164
00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:32,760
Right this way. Room at the front,
Your Majesty.
165
00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:34,120
I love a royal birth!
166
00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:37,080
Don't get me wrong, an execution is
fun but it is over so quickly.
167
00:08:37,080 --> 00:08:40,040
Darling, do we really have to have
all of these people here watching?
168
00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:43,520
My love, we are here to celebrate
the birth of a prince...
169
00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:44,640
..or princess.
170
00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:46,840
WHIMPERING
We need an audience!
171
00:08:46,840 --> 00:08:49,240
We need witnesses to prove the Queen
ACTUALLY gave birth
172
00:08:49,240 --> 00:08:51,480
and they didn't use somebody
else's baby.
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00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:54,600
Plus, if it is a girl, it stops them
swapping it out for a boy,
174
00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:56,640
so the King then has an heir.
175
00:08:56,640 --> 00:08:58,520
Bonjour!
DOOR KNOCKS
176
00:08:58,520 --> 00:09:00,760
Oh, the doctor has arrived! It is a
bit quiet in here.
177
00:09:00,760 --> 00:09:04,360
I thought you were having a royal
birth. More people! What?!
178
00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:07,560
I was only here to sweep the
chimney.
179
00:09:07,560 --> 00:09:10,120
Urgh! Get your grubby stick away from
me!
180
00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:13,160
Ignore them, my darling. Just
imagine they are not there.
181
00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:17,680
What if I didn't have to imagine
and they actually weren't there?
182
00:09:17,680 --> 00:09:19,920
THEY GASP
She doesn't mean it.
183
00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:21,480
I do. It is coming.
184
00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:23,280
THEY CHEER
185
00:09:23,280 --> 00:09:25,600
How do you feel? A little bit woozy,
actually.
186
00:09:25,600 --> 00:09:27,000
He was talking to... Ah!
187
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:29,160
Can somebody open the window,
please?
188
00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:30,800
The Princess de Lamballe
189
00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:32,400
clearly needs some air!
190
00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:33,800
OK. Everyone ready?
191
00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:35,120
Oui.
192
00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:37,520
Where are the...
THEY EXCLAIM
193
00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:40,560
Don't panic. I will stick a spike
into her foot
194
00:09:40,560 --> 00:09:42,400
to release the blood pressure in her
body.
195
00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:44,520
Will that work? It will certainly
wake her up.
196
00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:45,680
SHE CRIES
197
00:09:45,680 --> 00:09:47,760
She's back!
THEY CHEER
198
00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:49,480
Come on, Your Majesty, push!
199
00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:51,720
SHE GROANS
Push!
200
00:09:51,720 --> 00:09:54,840
GROANING CONTINUES
Push! Push! Push...
201
00:09:56,600 --> 00:09:59,120
BABY CRIES
Push.
202
00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:00,680
It's a girl.
203
00:10:00,680 --> 00:10:03,200
Yay...
DISAPPOINTED GROANING
204
00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:05,240
Er, that's OK. It's good,
that's good!
205
00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:08,280
Er... OK, so, er... I need some time
to meet my daughter, so...
206
00:10:08,280 --> 00:10:09,680
Everyone, out!
207
00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:12,560
The King needs some private time
with his new daughter.
208
00:10:12,560 --> 00:10:14,680
This is a very, very personal
moment.
209
00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:16,600
That is a "personal moment?!"
210
00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:18,520
I've just had a baby in public!
211
00:10:18,520 --> 00:10:20,120
Unbelievable.
212
00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:26,480
My first wife, Catherine of Aragon,
gave me a daughter, Princess Mary,
213
00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:28,120
which was great and everything,
214
00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:32,280
but I wanted a son and heir to my
throne - a prince!
215
00:10:32,280 --> 00:10:35,840
Erm, I did actually then have a son
but, erm...
216
00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:39,800
..not with the Queen, so he couldn't
be an official prince.
217
00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:44,080
Awkward! Er... But now my second
wife Anne is pregnant
218
00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:47,360
and I'm certain it's going to be
prince time, baby!
219
00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:50,440
Although I wouldn't lose my head if
it's a girl.
220
00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:52,000
Someone might, though...
221
00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:57,160
Anne Boleyn, my new wife, is pregnant
and everybody's thrilled!
222
00:10:57,160 --> 00:10:59,200
You lie about my mum to get
a divorce,
223
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:01,040
you ban me from visiting her,
224
00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:03,240
and you say I'm not a princess any
more,
225
00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:06,880
and you expect me to be happy about
your wife being pregnant?
226
00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:09,680
Too right, Mary! Can I get a
"whoop-whoop"?
227
00:11:09,680 --> 00:11:11,600
Yeah, she's pretty upset.
228
00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:14,360
I should probably go see if she's
OK...
229
00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:18,120
..or, I can organise a special
joust for the birth of my son.
230
00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:20,240
It's bound to be a boy this time.
231
00:11:21,680 --> 00:11:23,600
Right? Wrong!
232
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:28,360
King Henry is delighted to announce
the birth of the Prince...ess.
233
00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:30,600
The whole point of divorcing
the last one
234
00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:32,000
was so that I could get a son,
235
00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:33,480
and now look what's happened!
236
00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:36,120
A beautiful, healthy baby girl.
237
00:11:36,120 --> 00:11:38,440
Oh, not now! Guys, read the room.
238
00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:43,120
Can I just double check that...
239
00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:45,200
She's definitely a girl! ..OK, fine.
240
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:49,040
BABY SHRIEKING
241
00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:51,560
Urgh!
242
00:11:51,560 --> 00:11:54,480
Father. Hello.
Father's fake wife...
243
00:11:56,880 --> 00:11:58,720
Queen Anne, actually.
244
00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:02,440
For now. Let's see what happens next
time you don't have a son.
245
00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:05,280
Speaking of the King's sons. Henry
Fitzroy in the house!
246
00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:08,560
You don't count.
247
00:12:08,560 --> 00:12:11,840
Ugh! JUST cos the King wasn't
married to my mum. Typical.
248
00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:13,000
Sorry, guys.
249
00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:15,600
I can't believe you gave him better
rooms than me at Christmas.
250
00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:19,000
It's going to be one of those days.
Right. Can we try and smile, yeah?
251
00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:25,800
Wonderful news, Mary. We want you
to live with Princess Elizabeth.
252
00:12:25,800 --> 00:12:28,280
ELIZABETH CRIES
It will be convenient
253
00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:31,400
because you will be working for
her... As a servant.
254
00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:33,120
That's no position for a princess.
255
00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:36,240
But you're not a princess
any more, are you?
256
00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:39,000
Your daddy took your title away,
didn't you, darling?
257
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:41,240
Hmm? I certainly feel a bit
peckish, actually.
258
00:12:41,240 --> 00:12:42,680
No. Stay where you are.
259
00:12:42,680 --> 00:12:46,320
Dad! You can't let that woman
talk... Er, the QUEEN!
260
00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:49,880
..my mother, Catherine of Aragon, is
the Queen.
261
00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:51,480
Not any more, she isn't.
262
00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:52,720
SHE GRUNTS
263
00:12:52,720 --> 00:12:55,120
I'm just going to go grab a couple of
pork chops...
264
00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:57,520
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh! Uh.
265
00:12:57,520 --> 00:12:59,280
I eat when I'm nervous.
266
00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:01,240
And when I'm not nervous.
267
00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:02,640
I'm a hungry boy!
268
00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:07,040
They've taken away my household.
269
00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:10,000
Anne Boleyn has destroyed my
life.
270
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:12,080
I'm not calling her "Queen"
271
00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:14,680
and I'm not calling her daughter
"Princess"
272
00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:17,640
and I'm not agreeing with her about
anything, ever!
273
00:13:17,640 --> 00:13:19,760
Hey, guys. Just came to say
hello to the baby.
274
00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:21,280
What's HE doing here?
275
00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:24,160
Weird. Suddenly all I can think
about is pork chops.
276
00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:25,400
A chop off the old block.
277
00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:27,080
Oh, I hate him.
278
00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:28,600
Oh, jinx! Ha-ha!
279
00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:32,760
No, you can't keep calling yourself
"princess."
280
00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:34,240
This is my final word.
281
00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:35,560
Please, Daddy!
282
00:13:35,560 --> 00:13:37,280
Oh, go on, then. You can carry on.
283
00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:40,600
What?! What can I say. I'm a big
softie.
284
00:13:40,600 --> 00:13:41,960
I'm a princess.
285
00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:44,400
Have we had lunch already?
286
00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:48,440
Better have another one, just to be
on the safe side. Yeah?
287
00:13:48,440 --> 00:13:49,720
Lunch. Let's wrap it up.
288
00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:54,720
Hi, I'm the Prince of Wales,
289
00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:57,360
and when my old man,
King George III, dies,
290
00:13:57,360 --> 00:13:59,560
I'm going to be made King George IV.
291
00:13:59,560 --> 00:14:01,480
Let's hope that's not too far away.
292
00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:03,840
I'm King George III, his father,
293
00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:05,480
and I'm still alive.
294
00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:08,560
What's the best
thing about being a prince?
295
00:14:08,560 --> 00:14:11,520
Well, all that pampering. Spoilt
rotten. I blame your mother.
296
00:14:11,520 --> 00:14:14,120
She thought he was so perfect that
she put him on display to the public
297
00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:15,560
when he was just a week old.
298
00:14:15,560 --> 00:14:19,560
And people came from all over
just to see His Royal Cuteness.
299
00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:21,360
I mean, you just looked like
any other baby.
300
00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:22,920
Yeah, well, Mummy didn't think so.
301
00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:25,560
She had a life-size
waxwork model made of me,
302
00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:28,120
kept it in this little
glass display jar.
303
00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:31,120
Actually kind of creepy now
that I think about it but, er...
304
00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:32,520
Dad?
305
00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:38,680
Am I going to be King George IV?
306
00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:40,720
HE SNORES
No!
307
00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:42,600
Kingly sleep. What's wrong with you?
308
00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:49,200
Many princes and princesses
lived a life of luxury.
309
00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:52,680
But others had much more
difficult lives.
310
00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:55,880
Some suffered like you
wouldn't believe.
311
00:14:55,880 --> 00:15:00,000
One 18th-century African prince
was taken from his home,
312
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:03,840
sold into slavery
and forced to travel to America,
313
00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:08,400
where he did back-breaking work on a
cotton plantation in Mississippi.
314
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,520
His life did eventually
improve a little,
315
00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:13,800
but it took time - a long time.
316
00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:16,280
A long, long, long time.
317
00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:18,360
Ladies and gentlemen,
318
00:15:18,360 --> 00:15:22,680
I am Prince Abdul Rahman
Ibrahima Sori.
319
00:15:22,680 --> 00:15:25,120
Thank you all for coming tonight
320
00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:29,360
to hear the tale
of my escape from captivity.
321
00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:30,760
Oh, forget it!
322
00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:32,560
I can't believe me eye.
323
00:15:32,560 --> 00:15:34,360
Could it really be?
324
00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:35,920
Prince Abdul!
325
00:15:35,920 --> 00:15:38,000
Oh, he tell you
he was a prince, too?
326
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:40,120
Yeah, ignore him. He's just a slave.
327
00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:44,000
Prince Abdul, it's me -
Dr John Coates Cox.
328
00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:46,320
Oh! Your father, King Ibrahima,
saved me life
329
00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:47,920
when I was in West Africa.
330
00:15:47,920 --> 00:15:50,360
Dr Cox! Ha-ha!
331
00:15:50,360 --> 00:15:53,040
Oh, I was taken
from my family's kingdom,
332
00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:55,840
and I have been enslaved
here for 19 years.
333
00:15:55,840 --> 00:15:57,040
I'm so sorry, Abdul.
334
00:15:57,040 --> 00:16:00,200
Hey! In your face,
grumpy villager lady!
335
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:03,160
I'm a prince!
It's true, he is a prince.
336
00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:05,160
Well, that's nice.
337
00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:06,880
The authorities here won't care.
338
00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:08,440
He's still enslaved.
339
00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:11,760
Over my dead body.
Your Royal Highness,
340
00:16:11,760 --> 00:16:15,040
you will be free within a year.
341
00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:16,920
21 years later,
342
00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:18,800
I was still a slave,
343
00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:22,840
and my potential rescuer,
Dr Cox, was dead.
344
00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:25,320
AUDIENCE GASPS
But, while my hopes were fading,
345
00:16:25,320 --> 00:16:28,680
others were still fighting my cause.
346
00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:32,600
Thank you for continuing
Dr Cox's work, Mr Marshall,
347
00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:33,960
but I'm still here.
348
00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:37,120
So, I wrote to your father,
the Sultan of Morocco,
349
00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:40,320
and now he's written to
the President of America.
350
00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:42,320
The Sultan of Morocco
is not my father.
351
00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:44,000
Are you sure?
I'm pretty sure, yeah.
352
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:47,760
Anyway, the Sultan was so moved
that he wrote directly
353
00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:52,480
to President Adams, who has now
approved your journey home.
354
00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:53,800
To Morocco?
355
00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:55,400
Uh-huh.
Which is not my home.
356
00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:57,480
I'll admit, there's some details
that need ironing out
357
00:16:57,480 --> 00:16:59,320
but, Prince Abdul, don't you see?
358
00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:01,680
You can leave this place.
You're free.
359
00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:03,240
STRING MUSIC PLAYS
360
00:17:03,240 --> 00:17:05,240
This is really happening.
361
00:17:05,240 --> 00:17:06,440
Where's my wife?
362
00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:09,640
Darling, get the children.
We are all free!
363
00:17:09,640 --> 00:17:11,520
Ooh...
MUSIC GRINDS TO A HALT
364
00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:14,760
You did get the freedom for my wife
and children, right?
365
00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:17,640
Er, this is awkward.
366
00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:19,600
My eight children.
367
00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:21,640
Hmm.
I'm a free man now.
368
00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:23,520
I will do it myself.
369
00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:27,400
And that is why I am here today,
telling my story
370
00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:31,160
and raising money to buy freedom
for the rest of my family.
371
00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:33,920
And I will not rest
until I am done.
372
00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:36,240
Can't your dad,
the Sultan of Morocco, help?
373
00:17:36,240 --> 00:17:38,160
Not my dad!
374
00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:40,160
Please, pay attention.
375
00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:43,480
Huh! This tour is very long.
376
00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:46,480
Prince Abdul did
eventually make it back to Africa,
377
00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:50,160
but he sadly died before
reaching his home again.
378
00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:51,640
Some princes and princesses
379
00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:54,440
choose to live their lives
differently to most royals,
380
00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:56,560
and march to the beat
of their own drum,
381
00:17:56,560 --> 00:18:00,280
like my fellow suffragette
Princess Sophia Duleep Singh.
382
00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:01,760
Have you not heard of her? Wow!
383
00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:04,760
She's a huge celeb
here in Edwardian England.
384
00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:07,760
She uses her fame to raise
awareness for our cause -
385
00:18:07,760 --> 00:18:10,240
votes for women, votes for women!
386
00:18:10,240 --> 00:18:14,280
Votes for women!
Votes for women! Votes for women!
387
00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:15,920
D'ah!
Votes for women!
388
00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:19,120
Ah. Votes for women!
Votes for women!
389
00:18:19,120 --> 00:18:22,080
Hi, cuz, don't see you at
Hampton Court much.
390
00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:23,920
I thought Buckingham Palace was
your vibe.
391
00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:26,160
Er, I'm not your cuz,
Princess Sophia.
392
00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:27,760
I am your king.
Whatever.
393
00:18:27,760 --> 00:18:31,160
Make it quick. I've got rights to
fight for and bikes to fix.
394
00:18:31,160 --> 00:18:34,160
OK, look, I know you're not a
member of the British royal family,
395
00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:36,640
but you are a princess,
and we royals are expected
396
00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:39,040
to behave in certain ways.
397
00:18:39,040 --> 00:18:40,640
Give us a hand oiling this chain.
398
00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:42,640
Certainly not!
The daughter of a maharaja
399
00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:44,720
should ride in a coach,
not on a...a bike.
400
00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:47,760
Yeah, but I'm the newspaper's
face of female cycling.
401
00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:50,440
And how can you campaign for
equality riding in a royal carriage?
402
00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:51,760
Look, Princess Sophia,
403
00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:54,480
your behaviour is
embarrassing the family.
404
00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:56,400
Any more and I shall
have to ask you
405
00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:58,920
to stop living in
Hampton Court Palace.
406
00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:03,280
You can't. Your grandmother,
Queen Victoria, was my godmother,
407
00:19:03,280 --> 00:19:06,080
and she gave me these rooms to live
in before she died.
408
00:19:06,080 --> 00:19:07,240
They're mine.
409
00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:09,480
Cycling, selling suffragette
newspapers,
410
00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:12,440
protesting with a
troublemaking rabble.
411
00:19:12,440 --> 00:19:15,160
I'm just trying to do my bit.
412
00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:18,920
Oh! You could do your bit
by paying some taxes.
413
00:19:18,920 --> 00:19:23,320
I won't pay tax until women have
fair representation in Government.
414
00:19:23,320 --> 00:19:26,360
Votes for women! Votes for women!
415
00:19:26,360 --> 00:19:27,800
Right. Votes for women!
416
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:31,080
Fine! Do what you want,
forget you're a royal.
417
00:19:31,080 --> 00:19:34,560
Please, try and make
sure to keep your room tidy.
418
00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:36,120
Tidy my room?
419
00:19:36,120 --> 00:19:38,800
No way!
We have maids for that.
420
00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:41,760
I am a princess, after all.
421
00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:46,120
Votes for women! Votes
for women! Votes for women!
422
00:19:53,480 --> 00:19:57,480
Alfhild, your mother and I can't
always be with you... Oh.
423
00:19:57,480 --> 00:20:00,640
..making sure
you don't meet any boys.
424
00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:03,680
Uh... That's why we're putting
a couple of deadly snakes
425
00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:05,320
in your room...
Ah!
426
00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:06,600
..to keep them away.
427
00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:08,520
SHE YELPS
Sleep well. What?
428
00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:12,280
But don't touch them.
Oh, snakes, get off!
429
00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:14,840
I'll never get a boyfriend now.
430
00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:15,880
I'm...
431
00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:18,200
You're going to get killed
432
00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:23,280
Or you'll end up dead
433
00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:26,360
Go away!
434
00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:31,400
And those are some serious stakes
435
00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:40,200
Like a princess from an old-school
fairy tale,
436
00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:42,880
Alfhild wants to find her prince.
437
00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:47,440
Prince Alf, you got past the snakes
and rescued me.
438
00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:50,920
Let's get married.
It'll be...
439
00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:58,560
and silver frocks
440
00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:09,000
What? You are getting married?
441
00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:11,360
All you know about him is that
he can avoid snakes.
442
00:21:11,360 --> 00:21:13,160
Ah! Fine, you win.
443
00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:15,400
What? I won't marry him.
What?! Yes!
444
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:17,920
I'll dress up as a man
and become a pirate!
445
00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:20,240
Happy now?
Oh! Er...
446
00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:21,880
Wait, what just happened?
447
00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:23,880
Alfhild, the true story
of the princess
448
00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:26,200
whose parents filled her bedroom
with snakes
449
00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:28,680
and who ran off to become a pirate.
450
00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:30,680
That's for me
451
00:21:32,920 --> 00:21:35,320
Yeah!
452
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:41,880
Alfhild, a princess
tale like you've never seen before.
453
00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:44,920
Erm, I'm still a bit confused
by the whole pirate thing.
454
00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:48,040
Oh, and does anyone have any
anti-venom for my bottom?
455
00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:49,440
Oh!
456
00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:56,560
so that you can
457
00:21:56,560 --> 00:21:59,360
in a private place
458
00:21:59,360 --> 00:22:02,720
with a cape to hide your face
459
00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:05,400
And then you're done
460
00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:08,280
if you did a two or one
461
00:22:10,160 --> 00:22:14,400
Please welcome today's historical
figure who really needs the loo -
462
00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:16,760
Bonnie Prince Charlie!
463
00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:19,200
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
464
00:22:21,720 --> 00:22:23,320
Greetings, friend.
Ah!
465
00:22:23,320 --> 00:22:26,120
Are you Bonnie Prince Charlie,
the 18th-century prince
466
00:22:26,120 --> 00:22:28,560
who laid clam to the thrones
of England, Scotland
467
00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:29,960
and Ireland?
468
00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:33,000
Yeah! Mm. Who are you?
Sorry, I just really need the loo.
469
00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:34,120
HE FARTS
470
00:22:34,120 --> 00:22:36,520
I...am Loo Man!
471
00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:37,920
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
472
00:22:37,920 --> 00:22:40,640
You have travelled through time
from the 18th century
473
00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:43,840
to use my first-rate
toilet facility!
474
00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:45,400
Oh!
475
00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:48,160
It's...Plop Quiz!
476
00:22:48,160 --> 00:22:49,320
RECORDED FART
477
00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:51,160
What? Answer questions one and two
478
00:22:51,160 --> 00:22:53,600
and I'll let you do a...
Poo!
479
00:22:53,600 --> 00:22:55,320
I really, really need the toilet,
so can we...?
480
00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:57,720
Say no more.
Question number one.
481
00:22:57,720 --> 00:23:00,600
What is your proudest moment?
482
00:23:00,600 --> 00:23:02,760
Well, my grandfather, James II...
FART
483
00:23:02,760 --> 00:23:06,200
..was robbed of his English throne
during the Glorious Revolution,
484
00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:08,040
just for being a bit Catholic.
FART
485
00:23:08,040 --> 00:23:09,760
Er, so my proudest moment would be
486
00:23:09,760 --> 00:23:11,840
when I and my Jacobite troops
487
00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:14,920
crushed the British in battle...
FART
488
00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:17,160
bringing me closer to
taking my throne back
489
00:23:17,160 --> 00:23:20,160
from the usurper George II.
FART
490
00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:21,880
Throne, as in the toilet?
491
00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:23,800
No, the throne as in the throne!
492
00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:27,360
I am the rightful King of Britain
and I really need a poo!
493
00:23:27,360 --> 00:23:29,320
FART
All right.
494
00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:31,320
Question number two.
Mm!
495
00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:33,640
Number two -
it gets me every time.
496
00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:34,760
Come on, come on, come on, come on!
497
00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:35,880
FART
Ooh!
498
00:23:35,880 --> 00:23:38,360
What was your most
embarrassing moment?
499
00:23:38,360 --> 00:23:40,920
Er, our rebellion ran out of luck
around the time of
500
00:23:40,920 --> 00:23:42,360
the Battle of Culloden...
FART
501
00:23:42,360 --> 00:23:44,560
and the English
captured 3,500 of my men
502
00:23:44,560 --> 00:23:46,120
and executed 120.
503
00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:47,680
And?
FART
504
00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:50,080
I had to escape in a boat
while disguised as an Irish maid.
505
00:23:50,080 --> 00:23:52,840
Now, can I please go to the toilet?
I'm nearly touching tartan!
506
00:23:52,840 --> 00:23:54,520
You may pass...
507
00:23:54,520 --> 00:23:55,960
liquids and/or solids.
508
00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:57,520
That honks, man!
509
00:23:57,520 --> 00:23:58,800
Come on.
510
00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:02,400
Join me next time, when I'll be
stopping another historical celeb
511
00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:05,160
from doing a poo,
to ask the questions...
512
00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:07,240
FART
..just for...
513
00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:09,720
Want to say it with me,
Bonnie Prince Charlie?
514
00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:11,800
Just for you.
515
00:24:19,160 --> 00:24:20,720
Hi, I'm Prince Edward,
516
00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:22,720
eldest son of Edward III.
517
00:24:22,720 --> 00:24:25,880
Earl of Chester, Prince of Wales,
Duke of Cornwall,
518
00:24:25,880 --> 00:24:27,800
and absolute lad!
519
00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:29,760
People also called me
the Black Prince
520
00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:34,080
on account of my sleek black armour,
and because I'm hard as nails.
521
00:24:34,080 --> 00:24:36,040
What's the best thing about being
a prince?
522
00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:37,520
Easy.
523
00:24:37,520 --> 00:24:38,840
The weapons.
524
00:24:38,840 --> 00:24:40,520
Like this bad boy.
525
00:24:40,520 --> 00:24:43,240
Mwah, mwah, mwah!
526
00:24:43,240 --> 00:24:45,200
This beauty's retired now,
527
00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:48,400
but I've given it a place of honour
in the Royal Hall.
528
00:24:48,400 --> 00:24:51,040
Every day, it gets fed
a ration of its own food.
529
00:24:51,040 --> 00:24:53,000
Got to keep your
strength up, haven't we?
530
00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:55,240
Huh? What's that?
531
00:24:55,240 --> 00:24:57,600
He likes chops!
532
00:24:57,600 --> 00:24:59,560
Such a great sense of humour.
533
00:25:00,560 --> 00:25:04,520
So that was some of history's most
pitiful princes and princesses.
534
00:25:04,520 --> 00:25:08,160
And many of them never even
got to be King or Queen,
535
00:25:08,160 --> 00:25:09,880
especially the girls.
536
00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:14,040
Until 2013, it was the oldest boy
who took the throne,
537
00:25:14,040 --> 00:25:17,600
even if he had older sisters.
Imagine!
538
00:25:17,600 --> 00:25:19,640
The most important thing
you've got to do
539
00:25:19,640 --> 00:25:23,240
if you want to be in charge
is to stay alive,
540
00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:25,640
and that wasn't
so easy in the old days.
541
00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:28,240
Just ask the Black Prince Edward,
Prince Arthur Tudor,
542
00:25:28,240 --> 00:25:30,520
and Frederick, Prince of Wales.
543
00:25:56,880 --> 00:25:58,280
HE RETCHES
544
00:26:01,600 --> 00:26:06,480
To my brother
545
00:26:31,880 --> 00:26:35,200
That stylish warrior
546
00:26:41,920 --> 00:26:45,920
Fred was below par
547
00:26:45,920 --> 00:26:50,800
We can't rule on
548
00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:54,480
So let's hear it for the roll call
549
00:27:00,920 --> 00:27:04,720
you never had
550
00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:10,480
Drew his last breath
551
00:27:12,720 --> 00:27:15,680
But pooed himself to death
552
00:27:15,680 --> 00:27:17,760
FART
Ah, ah, ah
553
00:27:23,280 --> 00:27:25,120
Alphonso?
554
00:27:25,120 --> 00:27:26,680
Yeah, Alphonso.
555
00:27:26,680 --> 00:27:27,760
Dad was Edward I.
556
00:27:27,760 --> 00:27:30,360
I was going to be King of England
but I died in 1284.
557
00:27:30,360 --> 00:27:32,080
HE TUTS
Come on.
558
00:27:32,080 --> 00:27:34,400
But we were gone
559
00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:37,200
a King Alphonso
560
00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:40,200
to be anointing
561
00:27:40,200 --> 00:27:42,920
Dead disappointing
562
00:27:42,920 --> 00:27:45,520
The sad procession
563
00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:48,600
We've no succession
564
00:27:48,600 --> 00:27:51,040
That much is clear
565
00:27:59,280 --> 00:28:03,000
Er, could we all stop going on about
how I pooed myself to death?
566
00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:04,760
There's nothing wrong with pooing
yourself to death.
567
00:28:04,760 --> 00:28:06,160
People did it all the time.
568
00:28:06,160 --> 00:28:07,400
Shut up, Alphonso.
569
00:28:07,400 --> 00:28:08,800
DRUM BOOMS
42907
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