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1
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You put everything you've got
into your children.
2
00:00:04,375 --> 00:00:06,624
You teach them,
you nurture them,
3
00:00:06,625 --> 00:00:08,874
you shepherd them
along life's winding path.
4
00:00:08,875 --> 00:00:12,041
But what if, after all that,
5
00:00:12,042 --> 00:00:14,041
they grow up to be morons?
6
00:00:18,042 --> 00:00:19,999
{\an8}Okay, everyone,
if we have any hope
7
00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:21,249
{\an8}of selling the minivan,
8
00:00:21,250 --> 00:00:22,541
we got to clean it up.
9
00:00:22,542 --> 00:00:25,291
That means getting rid of
all the stains and smells.
10
00:00:25,292 --> 00:00:26,916
Ooof!
11
00:00:26,917 --> 00:00:30,374
That is 10 years of old milk
and farts right there.
12
00:00:30,375 --> 00:00:31,999
Why do we
have to sell it?
13
00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:34,041
Because
it's a rite of passage.
14
00:00:34,042 --> 00:00:35,999
Minivans are for families
with little kids.
15
00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:38,707
The Ottos are entering
a new era.
16
00:00:38,708 --> 00:00:41,499
Taylor can drive, Oliver gets
his permit this year...
17
00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:43,249
And you're old enough
to squeeze in between these two
18
00:00:43,250 --> 00:00:45,041
if we ever go
on that camping trip
19
00:00:45,042 --> 00:00:47,083
that I'm never, ever
going to sign off on.
20
00:00:50,125 --> 00:00:51,582
I'm gonna miss this thing.
21
00:00:51,583 --> 00:00:52,582
You're going to
miss it?
22
00:00:52,583 --> 00:00:54,916
Yeah.
It means a lot to me.
23
00:00:54,917 --> 00:00:56,499
The day you guys brought it home
was the day
24
00:00:56,500 --> 00:00:58,249
I decided to go to Harvard
so I could become rich
25
00:00:58,250 --> 00:00:59,707
and never have to drive
this symbol
26
00:00:59,708 --> 00:01:00,916
of middle-class mediocrity.
27
00:01:00,917 --> 00:01:02,124
I love and I hate it,
28
00:01:02,125 --> 00:01:04,124
so thank you
and also how dare you.
29
00:01:04,125 --> 00:01:05,874
I'm gonna
miss this thing, too.
30
00:01:05,875 --> 00:01:09,292
Every spill and stain
has a memory.
31
00:01:10,875 --> 00:01:12,666
Here is where Oliver
threw up his Cheerios
32
00:01:12,667 --> 00:01:13,874
when he was 5.
33
00:01:13,875 --> 00:01:15,374
They were actually
Toasted O's,
34
00:01:15,375 --> 00:01:16,666
the generic ones.
35
00:01:16,667 --> 00:01:17,749
That's when we realized
36
00:01:17,750 --> 00:01:19,499
he was allergic
to off-brand foods.
37
00:01:19,500 --> 00:01:21,749
I used to love
looking in the back seat
38
00:01:21,750 --> 00:01:24,375
and seeing those three
little heads bobbing around.
39
00:01:25,958 --> 00:01:28,541
I spy
with my little eye...
40
00:01:28,542 --> 00:01:29,875
something red.
41
00:01:31,667 --> 00:01:33,207
I'll give you a hint.
42
00:01:35,125 --> 00:01:36,207
A fire truck!
43
00:01:36,208 --> 00:01:37,250
A red noise!
44
00:01:40,250 --> 00:01:41,999
Every time you talk
about the past, you make a point
45
00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:44,666
of saying you look exactly
like Alessandra Ambrosio.
46
00:01:44,667 --> 00:01:46,625
I like to tell the story
accurately, Greg.
47
00:01:47,833 --> 00:01:53,082
I miss when you were such cute,
squishy, little babies.
48
00:01:53,083 --> 00:01:55,499
But now I look at you,
I just see free labor.
49
00:01:55,500 --> 00:01:57,667
Get to work.
50
00:02:04,167 --> 00:02:05,916
I have great news
for you guys.
51
00:02:05,917 --> 00:02:07,041
Hmm?
52
00:02:07,042 --> 00:02:08,832
{\an8}Anna-Kat has been
officially sprung
53
00:02:08,833 --> 00:02:10,042
{\an8}from the looney bin.
54
00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:11,832
Excuse me?
55
00:02:11,833 --> 00:02:12,916
The looney bin.
56
00:02:12,917 --> 00:02:14,291
The quacky factory.
57
00:02:14,292 --> 00:02:16,457
{\an8}Anna-Kat no longer
has to attend
58
00:02:16,458 --> 00:02:18,374
{\an8}Dr. Ellie's
Special Ed class.
59
00:02:18,375 --> 00:02:20,166
{\an8}That is good news.
60
00:02:20,167 --> 00:02:22,874
{\an8}Is there a less offensive way
to say that?
61
00:02:22,875 --> 00:02:24,416
I don't think so, no.
62
00:02:24,417 --> 00:02:26,916
{\an8}Anna-Kat's OCD
has really improved.
63
00:02:26,917 --> 00:02:28,624
{\an8}She's ready to be with everyone
all day.
64
00:02:28,625 --> 00:02:30,707
{\an8}We're happy
to hear that,
65
00:02:30,708 --> 00:02:34,249
{\an8}but we're also concerned
it might be a tad premature.
66
00:02:34,250 --> 00:02:35,374
We are?
67
00:02:35,375 --> 00:02:37,374
{\an8}Yes, we are.
68
00:02:37,375 --> 00:02:39,249
{\an8}Principal Ablin,
are you sure that she's ready?
69
00:02:39,250 --> 00:02:40,624
This summer,
70
00:02:40,625 --> 00:02:43,291
{\an8}she watched that
John Goodman bomb shelter movie
71
00:02:43,292 --> 00:02:46,207
{\an8}and turned her entire closet
into a doomsday bunker.
72
00:02:49,208 --> 00:02:50,666
Privet?
73
00:02:50,667 --> 00:02:52,874
Anna-Kat? Privet?
74
00:02:52,875 --> 00:02:54,124
{\an8}On the plus side,
75
00:02:54,125 --> 00:02:55,707
{\an8}Mikhail said we have
a place to stay
76
00:02:55,708 --> 00:02:57,708
{\an8}if we ever make it
to St. Petersburg.
Yeah.
77
00:02:59,042 --> 00:03:01,832
{\an8}Anna-Kat might not
be ready for this.
78
00:03:01,833 --> 00:03:03,957
{\an8}You said it was a new
era, and that's exactly
what she started.
79
00:03:03,958 --> 00:03:06,207
{\an8}But what if she's not ready
for the new era?
80
00:03:06,208 --> 00:03:07,499
{\an8}Like the dinosaurs
and the Ice Age.
81
00:03:07,500 --> 00:03:08,624
{\an8}A meteor
killed the dinosaurs.
82
00:03:08,625 --> 00:03:10,041
Don't science me, Greg.
83
00:03:10,042 --> 00:03:12,124
{\an8}Katie, we moved to this town
so she could get
84
00:03:12,125 --> 00:03:13,874
{\an8}the special help she needed,
and it worked.
85
00:03:13,875 --> 00:03:15,082
{\an8}This is a good thing.
86
00:03:15,083 --> 00:03:16,416
{\an8}But I liked
that Dr. Ellie
87
00:03:16,417 --> 00:03:18,041
{\an8}was an extra pair of eyes
on her,
88
00:03:18,042 --> 00:03:19,499
and if she slipped off
the rails,
89
00:03:19,500 --> 00:03:21,957
she was right there
to put her back on.
90
00:03:21,958 --> 00:03:24,249
When you start a new era,
things are bound to change.
91
00:03:24,250 --> 00:03:26,041
So you're saying
I should calm down?
92
00:03:26,042 --> 00:03:28,082
{\an8}No, I've learned to avoid
your trigger phrases--
93
00:03:28,083 --> 00:03:29,541
{\an8}"Calm down,"
"You're overreacting,"
94
00:03:29,542 --> 00:03:30,874
"Really? I thought
she was nice."
95
00:03:30,875 --> 00:03:32,249
{\an8}Aww.
96
00:03:32,250 --> 00:03:33,874
{\an8}You've just about
got the hang of me.
97
00:03:42,542 --> 00:03:44,707
Anna-Kat?
98
00:03:44,708 --> 00:03:46,874
We have some good news
for you.
99
00:03:46,875 --> 00:03:50,416
You have officially graduated
from Dr. Ellie's class.
100
00:03:50,417 --> 00:03:51,624
Really?!
101
00:03:51,625 --> 00:03:52,917
Wow!
102
00:03:55,292 --> 00:03:57,082
We're pretty sure
you're ready for this.
103
00:03:57,083 --> 00:03:59,499
I mean, there's no way for us
to really know
104
00:03:59,500 --> 00:04:00,916
if you're ready.
105
00:04:00,917 --> 00:04:01,957
Unless you're not ready.
106
00:04:01,958 --> 00:04:03,291
But you're ready.
107
00:04:03,292 --> 00:04:04,999
Maybe.
Rutabaga.
108
00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:06,207
What does that mean?
109
00:04:06,208 --> 00:04:07,499
It's a code
your mom and I have
110
00:04:07,500 --> 00:04:08,707
for when I think
she's being a bad parent.
Ugh!
111
00:04:08,708 --> 00:04:10,166
You hear that, Franklin?
112
00:04:10,167 --> 00:04:12,291
I got sprung
from Dr. Ellie's class.
113
00:04:12,292 --> 00:04:13,791
Why?
114
00:04:13,792 --> 00:04:16,124
Well, Dr. Ellie's class
is for Special Education,
115
00:04:16,125 --> 00:04:17,957
and I guess
they think I'm better.
116
00:04:17,958 --> 00:04:20,457
Special Education?
I thought it was Home Ec.
117
00:04:20,458 --> 00:04:21,582
Why did you think
it was Home Ec?
118
00:04:21,583 --> 00:04:23,166
It's a long story.
119
00:04:23,167 --> 00:04:25,499
My mom told me
it was Home Ec.
120
00:04:25,500 --> 00:04:27,250
I guess
it wasn't a long story.
121
00:04:29,083 --> 00:04:31,166
Is Taylor
helping you guys clean?
122
00:04:31,167 --> 00:04:32,499
Yeah, I'm out here
washing the back.
123
00:04:32,500 --> 00:04:33,458
Oh.
124
00:04:35,750 --> 00:04:37,207
Taylor! Stop!
125
00:04:37,208 --> 00:04:40,416
You can't use scouring powder
on a car!
126
00:04:40,417 --> 00:04:42,417
Why?
Everything's coming off.
127
00:04:44,500 --> 00:04:46,332
Including the paint!
128
00:04:46,333 --> 00:04:48,416
Taylor, I swear--
129
00:04:48,417 --> 00:04:50,541
No, you know what?
Katie, this one is on us.
130
00:04:50,542 --> 00:04:51,707
She's 18 years old,
131
00:04:51,708 --> 00:04:53,124
and apparently, we've taught her
no common sense.
132
00:04:53,125 --> 00:04:54,374
You're right.
133
00:04:54,375 --> 00:04:55,916
When your child is
a year away from leaving home
134
00:04:55,917 --> 00:04:57,166
and is this clueless,
135
00:04:57,167 --> 00:04:59,041
the only ones to blame
are the parents.
136
00:04:59,042 --> 00:05:00,291
Oh, good.
So I'm not in trouble.
137
00:05:00,292 --> 00:05:01,499
Should I keep going?
138
00:05:01,500 --> 00:05:03,832
I had one glass of wine
in my third trimester,
139
00:05:03,833 --> 00:05:05,874
and here we are.
140
00:05:11,625 --> 00:05:13,582
We took our eyes
off of our oldest
141
00:05:13,583 --> 00:05:16,041
for half an hour,
and this is what happens.
142
00:05:16,042 --> 00:05:18,291
Who knows what trouble
Anna-Kat will get into
143
00:05:18,292 --> 00:05:19,499
without someone
looking after her.
144
00:05:19,500 --> 00:05:22,374
Anna-Kat
is gonna be fine.
145
00:05:22,375 --> 00:05:24,791
The more pressing matter
is Taylor.
146
00:05:24,792 --> 00:05:27,749
She just knocked $1,200
off the value of a $1,500 car.
147
00:05:27,750 --> 00:05:29,041
You're right.
148
00:05:29,042 --> 00:05:30,874
If we are gonna
move into a new era,
149
00:05:30,875 --> 00:05:32,832
then we need to make sure
she does, too.
150
00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:34,582
We should make a list
of the things she needs to know
151
00:05:34,583 --> 00:05:36,457
to be a fully functioning person
in the world.
Yeah.
152
00:05:36,458 --> 00:05:38,916
Just off
the top of my head...
Mm-hmm.
153
00:05:38,917 --> 00:05:41,499
...I would say do laundry.
Mm-hmm.
154
00:05:41,500 --> 00:05:43,541
Unclog a toilet.
Mm-hmm.
155
00:05:43,542 --> 00:05:44,957
Sew on a button...
156
00:05:44,958 --> 00:05:45,957
How to shake out your hair
157
00:05:45,958 --> 00:05:47,125
after taking off
a motorcycle helmet.
158
00:05:48,833 --> 00:05:51,707
What?
It's important.
159
00:05:51,708 --> 00:05:54,457
Shake, shake, turn, wink.
160
00:05:55,958 --> 00:05:57,332
We might have failed Taylor
until now,
161
00:05:57,333 --> 00:05:59,082
but it's not too late
to get her on track.
162
00:05:59,083 --> 00:06:01,457
We blew this assignment off
for way too many years.
163
00:06:01,458 --> 00:06:02,666
It's time to cram.
164
00:06:02,667 --> 00:06:03,832
Follow my lead, Greg.
165
00:06:03,833 --> 00:06:05,332
This is where people
166
00:06:05,333 --> 00:06:07,707
who half-assed their way
through college shine.
167
00:06:09,750 --> 00:06:13,124
Anna-Kat,
I am so proud of you
168
00:06:13,125 --> 00:06:14,749
for graduating
Dr. Ellie's class.
169
00:06:14,750 --> 00:06:17,749
And to honor the occasion,
I got you a present.
170
00:06:17,750 --> 00:06:19,666
I love it.
171
00:06:19,667 --> 00:06:22,374
Now whenever you check the time,
you'll think of me.
172
00:06:22,375 --> 00:06:24,125
I will always
be with you.
173
00:06:25,333 --> 00:06:28,082
Does it do anything else,
like text or go on the Internet?
174
00:06:28,083 --> 00:06:29,082
No.
175
00:06:29,083 --> 00:06:31,249
Just a watch
to remind you of Mommy.
176
00:06:31,250 --> 00:06:33,499
So it's a watch
that only tells time?
177
00:06:33,500 --> 00:06:37,332
And a fond reminder
of Mommy.
178
00:06:37,333 --> 00:06:39,249
Alright.
179
00:06:39,250 --> 00:06:41,374
See you guys
at my ballet recital.
180
00:06:41,375 --> 00:06:43,332
Where are you going?
We're all driving together.
181
00:06:43,333 --> 00:06:45,166
I'm never riding
in that thing again.
182
00:06:45,167 --> 00:06:46,957
Before, it was embarrassing,
but now we're no better
183
00:06:46,958 --> 00:06:48,749
than that guy who sells
empanadas out of his trunk.
184
00:06:48,750 --> 00:06:50,832
Oh, they're so good.
His abuela makes them.
185
00:06:50,833 --> 00:06:52,291
Let's go.
We're gonna be late.
186
00:06:52,292 --> 00:06:54,624
Uh, where are
my bravo flowers?
187
00:06:54,625 --> 00:06:55,624
Your what?
188
00:06:55,625 --> 00:06:57,457
My bravo flowers.
189
00:06:57,458 --> 00:06:59,707
The flowers you throw on stage
to me when you shout "Bravo."
190
00:06:59,708 --> 00:07:01,166
It was in the e-mail
I sent you
191
00:07:01,167 --> 00:07:03,041
about what to do
at my performance.
192
00:07:03,042 --> 00:07:04,791
It was right under
"Don't wear pajamas."
193
00:07:04,792 --> 00:07:07,541
Yeah, well, I have you set up
to go straight to junk mail.
194
00:07:07,542 --> 00:07:08,999
Mom, the Fairfield Gazette
is gonna be there.
195
00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:11,541
A real review is important
for my college portfolio.
196
00:07:11,542 --> 00:07:14,124
So I'm riding my bike and I'm
picking up my own bouquet
197
00:07:14,125 --> 00:07:16,458
with a high
rose-to-baby's-breath ratio.
198
00:07:18,417 --> 00:07:21,749
We are not bringing
snotty Oliver into the new era.
199
00:07:21,750 --> 00:07:23,707
I thought he'd grow out of it,
but he's only getting worse.
200
00:07:23,708 --> 00:07:26,166
I guess the dangers of eating
sushi in your second trimester
201
00:07:26,167 --> 00:07:27,791
wasn't just
an old wives' tale.
202
00:07:27,792 --> 00:07:30,624
You never read any of those
pregnancy books I gave you.
203
00:07:30,625 --> 00:07:31,999
Of course not, Greg.
204
00:07:38,542 --> 00:07:40,582
Oliver's recital
starts in 10 minutes,
205
00:07:40,583 --> 00:07:41,999
and he's still
not here yet.
206
00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:44,291
Do you have those empanadas
with the raisins today?
207
00:07:44,292 --> 00:07:45,375
We're not that guy.
208
00:07:47,875 --> 00:07:49,874
So, Oliver is
going to miss his own recital
209
00:07:49,875 --> 00:07:51,332
because he's a snob.
210
00:07:51,333 --> 00:07:53,042
He better be
lying in a ditch somewhere.
211
00:07:54,167 --> 00:07:55,582
It's a saying.
212
00:08:02,583 --> 00:08:03,833
You okay?
213
00:08:05,083 --> 00:08:07,832
Yeah, I just lost my balance.
I'm a little banged up.
214
00:08:07,833 --> 00:08:08,916
Can I give you
a ride somewhere?
215
00:08:08,917 --> 00:08:10,374
No, thanks.
216
00:08:10,375 --> 00:08:12,000
I'll wait for a Mercedes
or better to drive by.
217
00:08:23,500 --> 00:08:25,041
This is no big deal.
218
00:08:25,042 --> 00:08:27,457
I'm gonna walk this thing off
and get back to ballet ASAP.
219
00:08:27,458 --> 00:08:29,916
Honey, the doctor said
you tore your ACL.
220
00:08:29,917 --> 00:08:32,082
You can't dance
for six to eight months.
221
00:08:32,083 --> 00:08:33,749
If I miss
ballet recruitment season,
222
00:08:33,750 --> 00:08:34,999
I'll never
get into Harvard.
223
00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:36,457
I'll just pop my knee
back into place.
224
00:08:36,458 --> 00:08:38,332
Dad, give me your wallet
to bite down on.
225
00:08:38,333 --> 00:08:40,666
Never mind.
It's probably pleather.
I'll just gut it out.
226
00:08:40,667 --> 00:08:42,749
Honey, I'm so sorry,
227
00:08:42,750 --> 00:08:44,124
but you're going to
have to put ballet
228
00:08:44,125 --> 00:08:45,749
on the back burner
for a while.
229
00:08:45,750 --> 00:08:48,207
There are other extracurricular
activities you can do
230
00:08:48,208 --> 00:08:49,791
that'll help you
get into Harvard.
231
00:08:49,792 --> 00:08:51,166
All you need
is a plan B.
232
00:08:51,167 --> 00:08:53,874
But I put so much time
into ballet.
233
00:08:53,875 --> 00:08:55,458
What am I gonna do now?
234
00:08:57,333 --> 00:08:58,582
You'll figure it out.
235
00:08:58,583 --> 00:09:00,457
You can do this.
You're an Otto!
236
00:09:01,792 --> 00:09:03,166
You're right.
I am an Otto.
237
00:09:03,167 --> 00:09:05,041
There you go.
238
00:09:05,042 --> 00:09:06,916
Look at you,
leaving the old Oliver behind
239
00:09:06,917 --> 00:09:08,666
and coming into
the new era.
240
00:09:08,667 --> 00:09:10,916
My whole life, I've been living
with the deficit
241
00:09:10,917 --> 00:09:12,374
of being born
into this family,
242
00:09:12,375 --> 00:09:14,207
and yet I thrive.
243
00:09:14,208 --> 00:09:15,624
I'm like one of those
Brazilian orphans
244
00:09:15,625 --> 00:09:18,166
who was raised in a landfill
and starts his own shoe company.
245
00:09:18,167 --> 00:09:19,666
You're about to be
one of those kids in a coma
246
00:09:19,667 --> 00:09:20,875
with a mother in jail.
247
00:09:23,542 --> 00:09:26,416
Maybe we can add "Fixing Oliver"
to Taylor's list.
248
00:09:26,417 --> 00:09:27,707
No, we have to do it
ourselves.
249
00:09:27,708 --> 00:09:29,374
But we suck at it.
250
00:09:29,375 --> 00:09:31,291
It's like when we tried
to sleep-train Anna-Kat
251
00:09:31,292 --> 00:09:33,332
and you ended up crashing
in her crib every night.
252
00:09:33,333 --> 00:09:35,166
That "Wonder Pets" mobile
was hypnotic,
253
00:09:35,167 --> 00:09:37,124
and I can't believe you're
bringing that up right now!
254
00:09:37,125 --> 00:09:39,332
You're right.
We can't turn on each other.
255
00:09:39,333 --> 00:09:40,750
United front.
256
00:09:47,417 --> 00:09:48,999
What's this?
257
00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:51,249
It's a list of all the things
you need to learn how to do
258
00:09:51,250 --> 00:09:52,791
before you move
out of the house.
259
00:09:52,792 --> 00:09:54,582
Is this a joke?!
260
00:09:54,583 --> 00:09:57,291
"How to light a pilot light.
How to reset a fuse box."
261
00:09:57,292 --> 00:09:58,916
How to defrost
a freezer"?!
262
00:09:58,917 --> 00:10:00,999
You will learn
to become self-sufficient.
263
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:02,374
I am not doing this.
264
00:10:02,375 --> 00:10:04,291
That is your choice.
265
00:10:04,292 --> 00:10:06,957
But if this list
isn't done
266
00:10:06,958 --> 00:10:08,374
by the night
of your senior prom,
267
00:10:08,375 --> 00:10:09,957
then you're staying home
with me
268
00:10:09,958 --> 00:10:11,207
and watching
"Dirty Dancing."
269
00:10:11,208 --> 00:10:13,416
I told you before,
I refuse to watch that.
270
00:10:13,417 --> 00:10:14,707
I don't like movies
from the 1880s.
271
00:10:14,708 --> 00:10:15,749
1980s.
272
00:10:15,750 --> 00:10:17,124
Same thing!
273
00:10:17,125 --> 00:10:20,041
This is so unfair!
This list is huge!
274
00:10:20,042 --> 00:10:21,582
I'll never be able
to get it done in a year!
275
00:10:21,583 --> 00:10:24,082
It's too much!
I'm totally screwed!
276
00:10:24,083 --> 00:10:26,374
Oh, honey. It's okay.
277
00:10:26,375 --> 00:10:29,499
Yeah, we can...
take some things off.
278
00:10:29,500 --> 00:10:30,916
Ha!
279
00:10:30,917 --> 00:10:33,082
Number 12-- "How to cry
to get out of stuff."
280
00:10:33,083 --> 00:10:34,874
I don't need this list, dudes.
I'm good.
281
00:10:37,292 --> 00:10:39,166
That's 1 of 78,
Taylor!
282
00:10:39,167 --> 00:10:42,207
That may fly on your math test,
but not here!
283
00:10:44,667 --> 00:10:47,332
We're struggling a bit
with Taylor and Oliver,
284
00:10:47,333 --> 00:10:50,082
so I am not going to
take my eye off Anna-Kat.
285
00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:51,541
Angela,
thank you for the watch.
286
00:10:51,542 --> 00:10:52,541
My pleasure.
287
00:10:52,542 --> 00:10:54,041
What watch?
288
00:10:54,042 --> 00:10:56,041
How come this is the first
I'm hearing about a watch?
289
00:10:56,042 --> 00:10:57,874
You were there
when we discussed it.
290
00:10:57,875 --> 00:10:59,374
You said
it was a great idea.
291
00:10:59,375 --> 00:11:01,666
Oh, I have got to stop
taking Ambien.
292
00:11:01,667 --> 00:11:03,291
I'm losing
half of my life!
293
00:11:03,292 --> 00:11:04,499
Once again,
294
00:11:04,500 --> 00:11:06,791
I lent Katie a spy watch
that listens in on you
295
00:11:06,792 --> 00:11:07,832
that an ex gave me.
296
00:11:07,833 --> 00:11:09,374
Why would an ex
give you that?
297
00:11:09,375 --> 00:11:10,457
We went over that, too.
298
00:11:10,458 --> 00:11:11,624
Oh, wait, I remember.
299
00:11:11,625 --> 00:11:12,832
Mm.
Ah!
300
00:11:12,833 --> 00:11:14,207
You were cheating
with that woman
301
00:11:14,208 --> 00:11:15,457
who stole your identity,
then bought
302
00:11:15,458 --> 00:11:17,457
that bed-and-breakfast in Belize
with your credit card.
303
00:11:17,458 --> 00:11:19,374
Barb.
304
00:11:19,375 --> 00:11:21,541
I'm happy Anna-Kat
moved on from Dr. Ellie's,
305
00:11:21,542 --> 00:11:23,666
but if I can't have
an extra pair of eyes on her,
306
00:11:23,667 --> 00:11:25,874
at least I can have
an extra pair of ears.
307
00:11:27,458 --> 00:11:29,041
Anna-Kat:
Okay, Franklin,
308
00:11:29,042 --> 00:11:31,082
would you rather eat
monkey brains or a cow's heart?
309
00:11:31,083 --> 00:11:32,832
I'd rather eat a worm.
310
00:11:32,833 --> 00:11:34,457
That wasn't
one of the choices.
311
00:11:34,458 --> 00:11:36,541
I know, but I've been
trying to find
312
00:11:36,542 --> 00:11:38,916
a good time to tell you
that I sometimes eat worms.
313
00:11:38,917 --> 00:11:41,250
Okay.
Nothing to worry about yet.
314
00:11:42,458 --> 00:11:44,957
Two nights ago, I woke
up at a poker table
at the Mohegan Sun,
315
00:11:44,958 --> 00:11:46,125
and I have no idea
how I got there.
316
00:11:48,958 --> 00:11:50,457
I might have a problem.
317
00:11:50,458 --> 00:11:51,416
Yeah.
318
00:11:57,167 --> 00:11:59,207
Hey, where'd you get
that watch?
319
00:11:59,208 --> 00:12:00,249
My mom gave it to me
320
00:12:00,250 --> 00:12:02,458
when I graduated
from Dr. Ellie's class.
321
00:12:03,833 --> 00:12:05,999
It's a spy watch. She can hear
everything we're saying.
322
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:07,499
How do you know?
323
00:12:07,500 --> 00:12:09,332
My mom put one on me last year
when she found out
324
00:12:09,333 --> 00:12:10,916
I was crawling through
our neighbor's doggie door
325
00:12:10,917 --> 00:12:12,791
to use their steam shower.
326
00:12:12,792 --> 00:12:15,749
It's a small detail that can
really add value to a house.
327
00:12:15,750 --> 00:12:18,166
I can't believe it.
328
00:12:18,167 --> 00:12:20,582
She doesn't think
I'm okay on my own.
329
00:12:20,583 --> 00:12:22,166
Well, I'll show her.
330
00:12:22,167 --> 00:12:23,541
So, what are we thinking?
331
00:12:23,542 --> 00:12:25,874
Catfish her, trick her
to flying to Indiana?
332
00:12:25,875 --> 00:12:27,999
No. I'm just gonna
mess with her head.
333
00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:30,332
Look at you,
being all normal.
334
00:12:30,333 --> 00:12:32,499
They were right to spring you
from Special Ed.
335
00:12:32,500 --> 00:12:33,499
I'm proud of you, kid.
336
00:12:37,750 --> 00:12:38,707
What's
for breakfast?
337
00:12:38,708 --> 00:12:39,957
Eggs.
338
00:12:39,958 --> 00:12:41,291
Yum!
I'll have scrambled.
339
00:12:41,292 --> 00:12:43,916
Look at number 20
on your list.
340
00:12:43,917 --> 00:12:45,291
Mm.
I lost the list.
341
00:12:45,292 --> 00:12:46,458
Mm.
342
00:12:47,708 --> 00:12:49,166
You made copies?
343
00:12:49,167 --> 00:12:50,541
Double-sided.
344
00:12:50,542 --> 00:12:52,041
And laminated.
345
00:12:52,042 --> 00:12:54,374
Oh, look! I'm dipping it
in my coffee.
346
00:12:54,375 --> 00:12:55,832
Yes, you're really getting
your money's worth
347
00:12:55,833 --> 00:12:57,041
out of your laminator.
348
00:12:57,042 --> 00:13:00,207
And if I ever
need to return it...
349
00:13:00,208 --> 00:13:01,499
I have the receipt.
350
00:13:01,500 --> 00:13:02,791
Laminated.
351
00:13:02,792 --> 00:13:04,207
Okay.
352
00:13:04,208 --> 00:13:06,291
Number 20--
how to cook an egg.
353
00:13:06,292 --> 00:13:07,957
Easy.
354
00:13:16,167 --> 00:13:17,125
Oh, there you go.
355
00:13:21,375 --> 00:13:22,416
Stop!
Stop!
356
00:13:25,917 --> 00:13:27,083
Bon appetite.
357
00:13:28,333 --> 00:13:30,207
These aren't edible.
358
00:13:30,208 --> 00:13:32,541
It's an egg, it's cooked.
It counts.
359
00:13:32,542 --> 00:13:33,666
Mark it off the list.
360
00:13:33,667 --> 00:13:35,749
Boom!
361
00:13:35,750 --> 00:13:37,332
When is she
going to learn
362
00:13:37,333 --> 00:13:39,916
that she can't be a screw-up
her whole life?
363
00:13:39,917 --> 00:13:41,582
I'm going to edit
the list.
364
00:13:41,583 --> 00:13:44,207
I'm going to make it
"Cook an edible egg."
365
00:13:44,208 --> 00:13:45,208
Mm.
366
00:13:49,708 --> 00:13:52,416
Oh. This is
Oliver's computer.
367
00:13:52,417 --> 00:13:54,166
While I'm here, I might as well
take a look around.
368
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:55,583
How do you know
his password?
369
00:13:56,542 --> 00:13:58,666
Stop it.
370
00:14:04,458 --> 00:14:05,666
Oh, no.
371
00:14:07,917 --> 00:14:09,832
Oh, my God.
Okay.
372
00:14:09,833 --> 00:14:12,041
Really?
373
00:14:12,042 --> 00:14:13,666
Leave it to Oliver
to create
374
00:14:13,667 --> 00:14:16,707
our very own Otto family
college admissions scandal.
375
00:14:16,708 --> 00:14:18,749
I'd feel better
about this new Otto era
376
00:14:18,750 --> 00:14:20,542
if we were going into it
with different kids.
377
00:14:32,208 --> 00:14:33,416
Looking for this?
378
00:14:33,417 --> 00:14:34,624
Hey, gimme that!
379
00:14:34,625 --> 00:14:36,916
We saw your little
Photoshop project.
380
00:14:36,917 --> 00:14:38,749
Oliver, you're not cheating
your way into Harvard.
381
00:14:38,750 --> 00:14:40,082
You know,
it's the parents
382
00:14:40,083 --> 00:14:41,957
who end up going to jail
in these scandals.
383
00:14:41,958 --> 00:14:43,332
Yeah, but, Mom,
think about it.
384
00:14:43,333 --> 00:14:45,207
In prison, no kids,
you have your own sink,
385
00:14:45,208 --> 00:14:46,125
they do laundry for you.
386
00:14:47,333 --> 00:14:48,749
And you still look
pretty good.
387
00:14:48,750 --> 00:14:50,332
I bet you'd fetch
quite the prison wife.
388
00:14:50,333 --> 00:14:51,374
He's not wrong.
389
00:14:51,375 --> 00:14:53,666
Guys, I'm a sophomore.
I'm out of time.
390
00:14:53,667 --> 00:14:54,957
I have to cut corners.
391
00:14:54,958 --> 00:14:56,374
We really believed you
when you said
392
00:14:56,375 --> 00:14:57,999
you were picking yourself
up off the mat
393
00:14:58,000 --> 00:14:59,207
and finding
another path.
394
00:14:59,208 --> 00:15:00,582
I was,
but then I realized
395
00:15:00,583 --> 00:15:02,291
it's not possible
to start over now.
396
00:15:02,292 --> 00:15:04,457
You still have
excellent grades.
397
00:15:04,458 --> 00:15:05,624
That's not enough anymore.
398
00:15:05,625 --> 00:15:06,916
God, you're so old!
399
00:15:06,917 --> 00:15:08,749
You have to have a 4.8 GPA,
play six sports,
400
00:15:08,750 --> 00:15:10,332
and discover a new language
401
00:15:10,333 --> 00:15:12,207
to get into a decent college
these days.
402
00:15:12,208 --> 00:15:15,124
We are not going to let you
cheat your way into college!
403
00:15:16,917 --> 00:15:19,416
I guess I'll just have
a horrible life.
404
00:15:19,417 --> 00:15:21,291
Go to Cornell,
make low six figures,
405
00:15:21,292 --> 00:15:22,499
and join a country club
406
00:15:22,500 --> 00:15:24,082
where I'll only have
a social membership
407
00:15:24,083 --> 00:15:25,875
because I can't afford
golf and tennis privileges.
408
00:15:27,375 --> 00:15:30,041
If you think
that's a horrible life,
409
00:15:30,042 --> 00:15:33,124
then you have no idea
what a horrible life is.
410
00:15:33,125 --> 00:15:35,207
You should go
to a homeless shelter someday
411
00:15:35,208 --> 00:15:36,749
and see how those people
have to live.
412
00:15:36,750 --> 00:15:38,957
Not someday-- today.
413
00:15:38,958 --> 00:15:40,791
You are gonna get
your snobby ass
414
00:15:40,792 --> 00:15:42,999
down to a homeless shelter
and get some perspective.
415
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:44,625
And you're going
in the minivan.
416
00:15:49,792 --> 00:15:51,042
What are you doing now?
417
00:15:52,417 --> 00:15:54,707
I'm having a nice moment
with my mind family.
418
00:15:54,708 --> 00:15:56,374
We're all wearing clothes
that fit
419
00:15:56,375 --> 00:15:57,791
and celebrating
each other's ambitions.
420
00:15:57,792 --> 00:15:58,707
Ugh!
421
00:16:00,292 --> 00:16:02,291
Anna-Kat: Hey, Franklin.
Knock-knock.
422
00:16:02,292 --> 00:16:03,499
Who's there?
423
00:16:03,500 --> 00:16:04,749
Your smelly butt.
424
00:16:06,417 --> 00:16:07,791
Never not funny.
425
00:16:07,792 --> 00:16:09,874
I'm still not comfortable
with you spying on Anna-Kat.
426
00:16:09,875 --> 00:16:12,666
Well, I'm not comfortable
with your new black underpants.
427
00:16:12,667 --> 00:16:14,624
I can wash them
with my jeans!
428
00:16:14,625 --> 00:16:16,249
Hey,
did you bring that beer
429
00:16:16,250 --> 00:16:18,082
I told you to swipe
from your house?
430
00:16:18,083 --> 00:16:19,541
Yeah, I got it.
431
00:16:19,542 --> 00:16:21,457
Did you steal that money
from your mom for cigarettes?
432
00:16:21,458 --> 00:16:22,957
Uh-huh.
433
00:16:22,958 --> 00:16:24,624
We can go out to the woods
after school tomorrow
434
00:16:24,625 --> 00:16:26,457
and try them.
435
00:16:26,458 --> 00:16:29,124
And the janitor's gonna
meet us there, right?
436
00:16:29,125 --> 00:16:30,624
Of course.
437
00:16:30,625 --> 00:16:33,457
He said we could take a ride
in his van afterwards, too.
438
00:16:38,292 --> 00:16:40,374
We need to talk.
439
00:16:40,375 --> 00:16:41,499
Yes, we do.
440
00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:43,041
We have a few questions
for you.
441
00:16:43,042 --> 00:16:44,166
What a coincidence.
442
00:16:44,167 --> 00:16:47,291
I have some questions
for you, as well.
443
00:16:47,292 --> 00:16:49,041
I was sure we had the upper hand
in this conversation,
444
00:16:49,042 --> 00:16:50,624
but it really doesn't
feel that way.
445
00:16:50,625 --> 00:16:54,207
So, do you guys want to continue
this conversation face-to-face,
446
00:16:54,208 --> 00:16:56,207
or should I just
talk into my watch?!
447
00:16:56,208 --> 00:16:57,041
Damn!
448
00:16:57,042 --> 00:16:58,666
Why would you guys
do that?
449
00:16:58,667 --> 00:17:00,582
Don't you trust me?
450
00:17:00,583 --> 00:17:03,457
Oh, honey, it has
nothing to do with trust.
451
00:17:03,458 --> 00:17:05,249
We're just worried
there's less people
452
00:17:05,250 --> 00:17:06,457
to keep an eye on you now.
453
00:17:06,458 --> 00:17:09,666
Mom, Dad...
454
00:17:09,667 --> 00:17:13,291
I realize that me moving on
from Dr. Ellie's class
455
00:17:13,292 --> 00:17:15,332
isn't just
a big change for me.
456
00:17:15,333 --> 00:17:17,332
It's a big change
for you, too.
457
00:17:17,333 --> 00:17:20,874
But I can't let your worries
hold me back.
458
00:17:20,875 --> 00:17:21,833
Do you want that?
459
00:17:23,208 --> 00:17:24,499
No.
No.
460
00:17:24,500 --> 00:17:26,457
If you ever feel
these worries again,
461
00:17:26,458 --> 00:17:29,082
I want you both to come to me,
and we can work it out.
462
00:17:29,083 --> 00:17:30,874
No more tricks, okay?
463
00:17:30,875 --> 00:17:33,457
Okay.
Okay.
464
00:17:33,458 --> 00:17:35,582
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna have Google
465
00:17:35,583 --> 00:17:37,708
translate the word "booger"
into several languages.
466
00:17:42,083 --> 00:17:43,457
Wow.
467
00:17:43,458 --> 00:17:46,000
She just brought us
into her new era.
468
00:17:47,250 --> 00:17:48,791
You can cross two more things
off your list.
469
00:17:48,792 --> 00:17:50,499
I drove Oliver
to the homeless shelter,
470
00:17:50,500 --> 00:17:53,041
so I learned how to put others
before myself,
471
00:17:53,042 --> 00:17:54,583
and I let a hobo
braid my hair.
472
00:17:55,792 --> 00:17:57,917
Write that on the list
and then just cross it off.
473
00:18:00,292 --> 00:18:01,541
So...
474
00:18:01,542 --> 00:18:03,707
how did it go
at the shelter?
475
00:18:03,708 --> 00:18:06,291
You were right. Going down there
really opened my eyes.
476
00:18:06,292 --> 00:18:08,124
To the fact
that you're extremely fortunate
477
00:18:08,125 --> 00:18:09,499
and other people
have harder lives than you?
478
00:18:11,250 --> 00:18:12,666
You're funny. No.
479
00:18:12,667 --> 00:18:14,207
I learned the way
I'm gonna get into Harvard
480
00:18:14,208 --> 00:18:16,332
is by doing
a ton of community service.
481
00:18:16,333 --> 00:18:18,416
I'm gonna trick them
into thinking I'm a good person.
482
00:18:18,417 --> 00:18:20,166
I'm back on track, baby.
483
00:18:20,167 --> 00:18:22,457
My dilemma is
which one to choose.
484
00:18:22,458 --> 00:18:24,624
Big Brothers,
Meals on Wheels,
485
00:18:24,625 --> 00:18:26,499
Habitat for Humanity.
486
00:18:26,500 --> 00:18:28,332
I just have to pick the one
with the most prestige
487
00:18:28,333 --> 00:18:29,999
and takes
the least effort.
488
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:31,499
Well, I guess,
for the moment,
489
00:18:31,500 --> 00:18:33,832
you doing the right thing
for the wrong reasons
490
00:18:33,833 --> 00:18:35,624
is the best
we can hope for.
491
00:18:35,625 --> 00:18:37,792
It really is, guys.
492
00:18:40,792 --> 00:18:41,874
Okay.
Alright.
493
00:18:41,875 --> 00:18:42,957
Hmm.
494
00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:46,999
I decided to knock
a bunch of things
495
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:48,749
off your dumb list
all at once.
496
00:18:48,750 --> 00:18:50,166
Number 40--
497
00:18:50,167 --> 00:18:52,124
"Take responsibility
for your own actions."
498
00:18:52,125 --> 00:18:54,416
I messed up the minivan,
so I fixed it.
499
00:18:54,417 --> 00:18:56,332
That's great!
500
00:18:56,333 --> 00:18:57,582
How?
501
00:18:57,583 --> 00:18:59,082
I called
a bunch of auto body shops,
502
00:18:59,083 --> 00:19:00,582
and I found
the cheapest one.
503
00:19:00,583 --> 00:19:02,249
Number 17-- "Be frugal."
504
00:19:02,250 --> 00:19:03,624
And I also figured out
505
00:19:03,625 --> 00:19:05,166
how to get that gross smell
out of there.
506
00:19:05,167 --> 00:19:07,291
Number 5--
"Take initiative."
507
00:19:07,292 --> 00:19:10,541
Wow, Taylor.
We're very impressed.
508
00:19:10,542 --> 00:19:11,874
How did you get rid
of the smell?
509
00:19:11,875 --> 00:19:13,874
That stank
was in there, man.
510
00:19:13,875 --> 00:19:15,500
I lit those scented candles
you got from work.
511
00:19:16,708 --> 00:19:18,582
You... put lit candles
in the car?
512
00:19:18,583 --> 00:19:19,999
Yeah.
And they're still going.
513
00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:21,457
It's been
about three hours.
514
00:19:21,458 --> 00:19:23,707
Number 77--
"Learn to tell time."
515
00:19:25,042 --> 00:19:26,957
Oh, no, no, no!
516
00:19:26,958 --> 00:19:28,875
No! No!
Taylor,
what did you do?!
517
00:19:29,833 --> 00:19:31,416
Taylor!
518
00:19:40,292 --> 00:19:43,082
Some people
charge into the new era.
519
00:19:43,083 --> 00:19:45,207
Some slowly limp forward.
520
00:19:45,208 --> 00:19:47,916
Some may never get there.
521
00:19:47,917 --> 00:19:50,082
This is so bad.
522
00:19:50,083 --> 00:19:52,124
I've got to make
a real change.
523
00:19:52,125 --> 00:19:54,041
I have to stop
being such a screw-up.
524
00:19:54,042 --> 00:19:57,207
Then again, maybe they will.
525
00:19:59,083 --> 00:20:01,250
I'm... here to check on
the minivan for sale.
526
00:20:02,542 --> 00:20:04,666
There is some wiggle room
on the price.
527
00:20:15,083 --> 00:20:17,457
Well, I just finalized
the minivan sale.
528
00:20:17,458 --> 00:20:18,874
250 bucks.
529
00:20:18,875 --> 00:20:20,541
That's all
we got for it?
530
00:20:20,542 --> 00:20:24,166
"We"? That's what I paid the guy
to haul away that piece of crap.
531
00:20:24,167 --> 00:20:26,832
I still remember
the day we brought it home.
532
00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:33,542
Mom!
533
00:20:34,583 --> 00:20:36,416
Mommy!
534
00:20:40,417 --> 00:20:42,499
That's... not
how I remember it.
535
00:20:45,833 --> 00:20:47,042
{\an8}Mom!
536
00:20:48,375 --> 00:20:50,291
Mommy!
537
00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:57,249
{\an8}Wait.
538
00:20:57,250 --> 00:21:00,457
{\an8}So, in your version,
you look like Alex Landi?
539
00:21:00,458 --> 00:21:02,207
{\an8}I like to tell a story
accurately.
540
00:21:06,417 --> 00:21:07,416
{\an8}I love you.
541
00:21:07,417 --> 00:21:08,541
{\an8}I love you, too, sweetie.
39551
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