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1
00:00:01,967 --> 00:00:04,216
Do you know
Chloe Brown Mueller
2
00:00:04,217 --> 00:00:06,966
is running for
Fairfield County councilperson?
3
00:00:06,967 --> 00:00:10,007
I've been trying to think of
a way to deface her lawn signs
4
00:00:10,008 --> 00:00:11,841
by rearranging the letters
in her name.
5
00:00:11,842 --> 00:00:13,674
Cross out the "C"
and the "H",
6
00:00:13,675 --> 00:00:15,091
slip in an "S",
add an "R".
7
00:00:15,092 --> 00:00:16,091
It spells "Loser".
8
00:00:16,092 --> 00:00:17,841
Ah. Sounds like
a lot of work.
9
00:00:17,842 --> 00:00:19,507
I think I'll just draw
penises on them.
10
00:00:22,175 --> 00:00:23,674
Anna-Kat, how many times
have I told you?
11
00:00:23,675 --> 00:00:26,049
Do not feed Hans Gruber
from the table.
12
00:00:26,050 --> 00:00:28,299
He's only gaining
10 pounds a day.
13
00:00:28,300 --> 00:00:29,966
He's wasting away
to nothing!
14
00:00:29,967 --> 00:00:31,841
Hans, go!
15
00:00:33,925 --> 00:00:36,507
Oliver,
dinner table-- now.
16
00:00:36,508 --> 00:00:38,799
I'm waiting for
my Mandarin grade to post.
17
00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:40,674
Why are you so worked up
about this grade?
18
00:00:40,675 --> 00:00:42,049
You always get
straight A's.
19
00:00:42,050 --> 00:00:44,091
I know I do,
but Jeremy Fleisher's
20
00:00:44,092 --> 00:00:46,466
gonna obliterate the curve
in my Mandarin class.
21
00:00:46,467 --> 00:00:47,762
How do you know that?
22
00:00:47,763 --> 00:00:50,387
His parents just brought
him a 12-year-old from
China for Christmas.
23
00:00:50,388 --> 00:00:53,553
His parents brought him
a 12-year-old human being?
24
00:00:53,554 --> 00:00:55,678
No, it's a foreign
exchange program.
25
00:00:55,679 --> 00:00:57,178
They're supposed to
teach the kid English,
26
00:00:57,179 --> 00:00:59,999
but instead, they make him
tutor Jeremy in Mandarin.
27
00:01:01,583 --> 00:01:03,583
Could I please
have more--
Unh-unh-unh!
You know the rules.
28
00:01:13,083 --> 00:01:14,123
Grades are in.
29
00:01:18,208 --> 00:01:19,957
I got a B-plus?!
30
00:01:19,958 --> 00:01:21,540
My life is ruined!
31
00:01:21,541 --> 00:01:22,540
Ruined!
32
00:01:22,541 --> 00:01:23,957
A B-plus is great.
33
00:01:23,958 --> 00:01:25,290
Of course you think
a B-plus is great--
34
00:01:25,291 --> 00:01:26,915
'cause your life
is a C-minus!
35
00:01:26,916 --> 00:01:28,248
Hey!
36
00:01:28,249 --> 00:01:30,415
Calm... down!
37
00:01:30,416 --> 00:01:33,623
You're in eighth grade.
Eighth grade doesn't count.
38
00:01:33,624 --> 00:01:36,582
It all counts!
It all counts!
39
00:01:36,583 --> 00:01:38,998
He's really worked up.
He's doing that thing
where he repeats everything.
40
00:01:38,999 --> 00:01:40,498
Honey, let me give you
some perspective.
41
00:01:40,499 --> 00:01:41,790
Take your father and me.
42
00:01:41,791 --> 00:01:44,165
He was obsessed
with grades.
43
00:01:44,166 --> 00:01:47,915
Me-- I didn't worry so much
and just enjoyed my life.
44
00:01:47,916 --> 00:01:49,165
Guess what.
45
00:01:49,166 --> 00:01:51,123
We wound up
in the same place--
46
00:01:51,124 --> 00:01:52,790
same house.
47
00:01:52,791 --> 00:01:53,957
Actually, I'm doing
a little better
48
00:01:53,958 --> 00:01:56,123
because I don't
have to go to work.
49
00:01:56,124 --> 00:01:58,623
And you don't have to wear
real pants if you don't want to.
50
00:01:58,624 --> 00:02:01,165
And I don't have to wear
real pants if I don't want to!
51
00:02:01,166 --> 00:02:03,123
I'm on a track,
and it starts here.
52
00:02:03,124 --> 00:02:04,873
I have to become
valedictorian,
53
00:02:04,874 --> 00:02:07,915
then it goes Harvard,
Wharton, Goldman Sachs,
54
00:02:07,916 --> 00:02:09,290
then a remodel
in the Hamptons
55
00:02:09,291 --> 00:02:11,415
that my second wife
can busy herself with.
56
00:02:11,416 --> 00:02:13,457
I'm probably gonna like
your first wife.
57
00:02:13,458 --> 00:02:15,624
Don't be mad when I maintain
a relationship with her.
58
00:02:18,374 --> 00:02:19,957
He puts way too much pressure
on himself.
59
00:02:19,958 --> 00:02:21,790
I know. This is
getting out of hand.
60
00:02:21,791 --> 00:02:23,290
Do you think he should
talk to somebody?
61
00:02:23,291 --> 00:02:24,665
He's not listening
to us.
62
00:02:24,666 --> 00:02:25,915
Someone to give him
a little perspective.
63
00:02:25,916 --> 00:02:27,248
Yeah.
64
00:02:27,249 --> 00:02:29,290
And I think
I know just the person.
65
00:02:29,291 --> 00:02:31,832
I don't even know
why I'm here.
66
00:02:31,833 --> 00:02:33,998
You're here
because you need my help.
67
00:02:33,999 --> 00:02:36,165
You need to learn how
to take your mind off of school.
68
00:02:36,166 --> 00:02:37,998
I saw this YouTube video
about this girl
69
00:02:37,999 --> 00:02:39,832
who was really driven,
like you,
70
00:02:39,833 --> 00:02:42,582
and she eventually cracked up
and got Auto-Tuned into a song.
71
00:02:42,583 --> 00:02:43,832
The song is really funny
72
00:02:43,833 --> 00:02:45,873
if you forget
that she's dead inside.
73
00:02:45,874 --> 00:02:47,665
Okay, dumb Yoda,
74
00:02:47,666 --> 00:02:49,332
what advice
do you have for me?
75
00:02:49,333 --> 00:02:52,248
Start binge-watching something.
It'll help turn your brain off.
76
00:02:52,249 --> 00:02:54,457
Easier for you,
'cause yours was never on.
77
00:02:54,458 --> 00:02:56,123
You should listen to me.
78
00:02:56,124 --> 00:02:58,748
Watch a dozen seasons
of "Grey's Anatomy" in a row.
79
00:02:58,749 --> 00:03:00,748
You're not gonna care
if you get into Harvard or not
80
00:03:00,749 --> 00:03:03,665
once you've seen a bomb
get pulled out of a body
for the fourth time.
81
00:03:03,666 --> 00:03:05,540
Hey, I am
going to Harvard!
82
00:03:05,541 --> 00:03:07,248
I even practice
that phony evasive thing
83
00:03:07,249 --> 00:03:08,999
where I tell people
I go to college in Boston.
84
00:03:10,208 --> 00:03:11,790
"Oh. B.U.?"
85
00:03:11,791 --> 00:03:14,207
"No-- Harvard".
86
00:03:17,999 --> 00:03:19,666
Man on TV:
Ni ai wo ma.
87
00:03:21,208 --> 00:03:23,665
Ni ai wo ma.
88
00:03:23,666 --> 00:03:25,082
Ni ai wo ma.
Ni ai wo ma.
89
00:03:26,458 --> 00:03:27,748
Ni ai wo ma.
Ni ai wo ma.
90
00:03:29,958 --> 00:03:31,373
Ni ai wo ma.
Ni ai wo ma.
91
00:03:31,374 --> 00:03:33,498
Oliver,
why aren't you in bed?
92
00:03:33,499 --> 00:03:35,082
I'm practicing
my Mandarin.
93
00:03:35,083 --> 00:03:37,248
I'm using Taylor's
stolen Netflix password
94
00:03:37,249 --> 00:03:38,873
to watch
a Chinese soap opera.
95
00:03:38,874 --> 00:03:41,873
It's 2:30 in the morning.
You need to get some sleep.
96
00:03:41,874 --> 00:03:44,373
You keep this up, you'll burn
out before high school ends
97
00:03:44,374 --> 00:03:45,915
and end up
at some safety school.
98
00:03:45,916 --> 00:03:47,373
I'm not going to Cornell!
99
00:03:47,374 --> 00:03:48,540
Come on!
100
00:03:52,333 --> 00:03:53,832
Bed.
101
00:03:56,874 --> 00:03:58,499
That sounded a little like
"Go [bleep] yourself".
102
00:04:05,124 --> 00:04:06,832
I'm worried
about Oliver.
103
00:04:06,833 --> 00:04:09,873
{\an8}He's obsessed with his grades
and not enjoying his life.
104
00:04:09,874 --> 00:04:11,665
{\an8}He wants to go
to SAT camp this summer.
105
00:04:11,666 --> 00:04:13,082
{\an8}Can you believe
that's a thing?
106
00:04:13,083 --> 00:04:14,832
{\an8}Oh, yeah--
I lied about my kids' ages
107
00:04:14,833 --> 00:04:16,498
{\an8}so they could start
when they were 6.
108
00:04:16,499 --> 00:04:18,707
{\an8}They have no fun activities--
just studying.
109
00:04:18,708 --> 00:04:20,623
{\an8}Oh, and I checked the box
saying they could hit them.
110
00:04:20,624 --> 00:04:22,207
Ugh.
Remember
when we thought
111
00:04:22,208 --> 00:04:24,332
{\an8}having that baby
would soften you up?
112
00:04:26,374 --> 00:04:28,207
We were so stupid.
113
00:04:30,208 --> 00:04:31,498
{\an8}Hello, ladies!
114
00:04:31,499 --> 00:04:35,623
{\an8}Be very still. Her vision
is based on movement.
115
00:04:35,624 --> 00:04:39,290
{\an8}You are so funny!
116
00:04:39,291 --> 00:04:41,832
{\an8}Hey, would you mind
putting one of my campaign signs
117
00:04:41,833 --> 00:04:43,415
in your teeny,
tiny yard?
118
00:04:43,416 --> 00:04:46,248
{\an8}Why would you want
your sign in my yard?
119
00:04:46,249 --> 00:04:48,207
{\an8}All you ever do
is insult my house.
120
00:04:48,208 --> 00:04:50,332
{\an8}That was just
playfully joking around!
121
00:04:50,333 --> 00:04:51,790
{\an8}Right, Maria?
122
00:04:51,791 --> 00:04:54,248
{\an8}Tell Katie I'm funny
and I like to joke around.
123
00:04:54,249 --> 00:04:55,540
{\an8}You're funny.
124
00:04:55,541 --> 00:04:57,207
{\an8}And I like
to joke around!
125
00:04:57,208 --> 00:04:58,457
{\an8}She likes
to joke around.
126
00:04:58,458 --> 00:05:00,123
Okay.
Seriously, Maria?
127
00:05:00,124 --> 00:05:02,790
{\an8}I pay you $7.45 an hour,
plus Obamacare
128
00:05:02,791 --> 00:05:04,082
{\an8}to be more convincing
than that.
129
00:05:05,666 --> 00:05:07,373
Okay, truth time--
130
00:05:07,374 --> 00:05:09,707
Fairfield County is bigger
than just Westport,
131
00:05:09,708 --> 00:05:11,248
so if I'm gonna
win this thing,
132
00:05:11,249 --> 00:05:13,040
I need to appeal
to the poors.
133
00:05:13,041 --> 00:05:15,123
Ugh.
I'd put one
in Maria's yard,
134
00:05:15,124 --> 00:05:17,123
but she doesn't have one,
'cause she lives in a condo...
135
00:05:17,124 --> 00:05:18,998
...with her parents!
136
00:05:18,999 --> 00:05:20,540
Ull!
137
00:05:20,541 --> 00:05:21,748
My mother
is very sick.
138
00:05:21,749 --> 00:05:23,498
Oh, sick of you!
139
00:05:23,499 --> 00:05:24,582
Up top.
140
00:05:25,833 --> 00:05:27,332
No, you missed it.
You missed it.
141
00:05:27,333 --> 00:05:29,207
I'm not putting
your stupid sign in my yard.
142
00:05:29,208 --> 00:05:31,748
And tell your husband to return
my husband's phone calls.
143
00:05:31,749 --> 00:05:33,332
Oh, well,
Stan's out of the country,
144
00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:34,790
so I will
pass the message along.
145
00:05:35,833 --> 00:05:37,165
Aah! So hot!
146
00:05:37,166 --> 00:05:39,290
Oh! Zip it, Maria! Okay?
You're making a scene!
147
00:05:40,749 --> 00:05:41,749
Go!
148
00:05:43,333 --> 00:05:44,373
Ugh.
149
00:05:44,374 --> 00:05:45,790
Nicely played--
150
00:05:45,791 --> 00:05:47,373
sticking it
to Chloe Brown Mueller
151
00:05:47,374 --> 00:05:48,623
with a Stan question.
152
00:05:48,624 --> 00:05:49,832
What are you
talking about?
153
00:05:49,833 --> 00:05:51,957
You haven't heard?
Stan took off.
154
00:05:51,958 --> 00:05:53,790
Yeah. He went to Nepal
to find himself.
155
00:05:53,791 --> 00:05:54,998
He's drinking
yak butter tea
156
00:05:54,999 --> 00:05:56,957
and deciding on
which god to pray to.
157
00:05:56,958 --> 00:05:59,707
He had a huge midlife crisis
and snapped.
158
00:05:59,708 --> 00:06:01,123
That's why
Chloe's running for office.
159
00:06:01,124 --> 00:06:02,373
She's putting on
a big show,
160
00:06:02,374 --> 00:06:04,165
pretending they're both
"doing their own thing".
161
00:06:04,166 --> 00:06:05,957
Oh, it's so sad...
162
00:06:05,958 --> 00:06:07,623
that I didn't know that.
163
00:06:07,624 --> 00:06:09,207
I would've
enjoyed it more.
164
00:06:10,958 --> 00:06:13,290
Stan's a perfect example
of someone who pushed himself,
165
00:06:13,291 --> 00:06:15,207
went to all the right schools,
got a high-powered job,
166
00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:17,790
then wakes up and realizes
he got everything he wanted
167
00:06:17,791 --> 00:06:19,332
but hated his whole life.
168
00:06:19,333 --> 00:06:22,748
Oh, my God.
Oliver is on that same path.
169
00:06:22,749 --> 00:06:24,540
How do I stop my son
from growing up
170
00:06:24,541 --> 00:06:26,832
and having
a midlife crisis?
171
00:06:26,833 --> 00:06:29,498
You get ahead of it.
Give him a midlife crisis now.
172
00:06:29,499 --> 00:06:31,040
Or...
173
00:06:31,041 --> 00:06:33,623
check this box, and I could
smack him around for you.
174
00:06:33,624 --> 00:06:35,123
Mnh-mnh.
175
00:06:35,124 --> 00:06:37,915
Come on.
176
00:06:37,916 --> 00:06:38,915
Boom!
177
00:06:43,791 --> 00:06:46,082
Whatever it is,
I don't have time.
178
00:06:46,083 --> 00:06:47,207
I'm studying.
179
00:06:47,208 --> 00:06:49,123
Well, get it
out of your system now,
180
00:06:49,124 --> 00:06:52,373
because tomorrow we're moving up
your midlife crisis,
181
00:06:52,374 --> 00:06:54,248
and that begins
with ditching school.
182
00:06:54,249 --> 00:06:55,665
I can't ditch school!
183
00:06:55,666 --> 00:06:57,498
My science notebook review
is tomorrow and--
184
00:06:57,499 --> 00:06:58,957
Hey!
I'm your mother.
185
00:06:58,958 --> 00:07:00,832
And when I say,
"You're ditching school",
186
00:07:00,833 --> 00:07:02,207
you're ditching school.
187
00:07:02,208 --> 00:07:03,998
But if I get caught, it could
go on my permanent record.
188
00:07:03,999 --> 00:07:05,373
There's no such thing.
189
00:07:05,374 --> 00:07:07,415
Now, stop studying and watch
"Ferris Bueller's Day Off"
190
00:07:07,416 --> 00:07:08,582
tonight for inspiration.
191
00:07:08,583 --> 00:07:10,123
Can I watch it
in Mandarin?
192
00:07:10,124 --> 00:07:11,123
Nyet!
193
00:07:11,124 --> 00:07:12,123
That's Russian.
194
00:07:12,124 --> 00:07:13,540
Shut up, smarty-pants.
195
00:07:17,749 --> 00:07:20,332
I need an extra treat
to bring for Franklin.
196
00:07:20,333 --> 00:07:22,707
He'd never tasted sugar
before he met me.
197
00:07:22,708 --> 00:07:24,165
Do you think
maybe Franklin's parents
198
00:07:24,166 --> 00:07:25,332
don't want him
eating candy?
199
00:07:25,333 --> 00:07:26,665
Yeah, I get that.
200
00:07:26,666 --> 00:07:28,040
He gets all amped up,
and then it's all
201
00:07:28,041 --> 00:07:30,790
"Blah, blah, blah"
about his diabetes.
202
00:07:30,791 --> 00:07:33,248
New rule--
no feeding Franklin sugar.
203
00:07:33,249 --> 00:07:35,082
Hey, would either of you
be interested
204
00:07:35,083 --> 00:07:37,207
in going to a stamp unveiling
at the library?
205
00:07:37,208 --> 00:07:38,207
Not it!
Not it!
206
00:07:38,208 --> 00:07:39,332
How about if I told you
207
00:07:39,333 --> 00:07:41,457
it's a rare banana stamp
that's a misprint?
208
00:07:41,458 --> 00:07:42,748
Turns out
it's a plantain.
209
00:07:42,749 --> 00:07:43,873
Not it!
Not it!
210
00:07:43,874 --> 00:07:46,165
Don't you have a friend
you can go with?
211
00:07:46,166 --> 00:07:47,707
Not really--
not since Stan left.
212
00:07:47,708 --> 00:07:49,040
So find someone else.
213
00:07:49,041 --> 00:07:51,040
It's not easy making friends
once you get older.
214
00:07:51,041 --> 00:07:53,040
I tried this
Adult Friend Finder website.
215
00:07:53,041 --> 00:07:55,207
It was not
what I thought it was.
216
00:07:55,208 --> 00:07:56,582
I have an idea.
217
00:07:56,583 --> 00:07:58,290
Why don't you take Anna-Kat
to the park?
218
00:07:58,291 --> 00:07:59,790
There's always dads
hanging around.
219
00:07:59,791 --> 00:08:01,040
Maybe you can
meet someone there.
220
00:08:01,041 --> 00:08:02,290
I don't know.
221
00:08:02,291 --> 00:08:04,583
Hey, anyone would be lucky
to be your friend.
222
00:08:05,958 --> 00:08:06,874
Okay.
223
00:08:08,291 --> 00:08:09,583
Alright,
everybody in the car.
224
00:08:11,791 --> 00:08:13,957
Are you sure making Oliver
skip school is a good idea?
225
00:08:13,958 --> 00:08:16,248
Trust me--
it's just what he needed.
226
00:08:16,249 --> 00:08:17,623
He's even sleeping in.
227
00:08:17,624 --> 00:08:19,123
Not a bad start
to his ditch day.
228
00:08:19,124 --> 00:08:20,957
I don't remember
agreeing to this.
229
00:08:20,958 --> 00:08:23,082
This isn't one of those
things that we both
have to sign off on.
230
00:08:23,083 --> 00:08:24,873
Oh, so you get to do
whatever you want with Oliver,
231
00:08:24,874 --> 00:08:27,040
but I buy one rug from Cost Plus
without consult--
232
00:08:27,041 --> 00:08:29,790
Rugs are different
than kids, Greg!
233
00:08:36,791 --> 00:08:38,957
Oliver, I would not
be a good mother
234
00:08:38,958 --> 00:08:41,998
if I let you
sleep away your ditch day.
235
00:08:43,874 --> 00:08:45,665
Oliver!
236
00:08:50,708 --> 00:08:53,248
What the...
237
00:08:55,333 --> 00:08:57,957
He went to school!
He reverse-Ferris Buellered me.
238
00:08:57,958 --> 00:09:00,373
And instead of a mannequin,
it's a pig!
239
00:09:00,374 --> 00:09:02,415
Oliver thinks he's pulled
a fast one on me.
240
00:09:02,416 --> 00:09:03,832
I'll show him.
241
00:09:03,833 --> 00:09:05,748
I'm not washing these sheets
for a month.
242
00:09:15,749 --> 00:09:17,666
I need to speak with
Oliver Otto.
243
00:09:20,624 --> 00:09:21,957
Son, I want you to know
244
00:09:21,958 --> 00:09:23,457
I wake up every night
drenched in sweat
245
00:09:23,458 --> 00:09:26,332
because my job entails
delivering news like this.
246
00:09:26,333 --> 00:09:28,207
News like what?
What are you talking about?
247
00:09:28,208 --> 00:09:29,873
I sweat
right through my pajamas.
248
00:09:29,874 --> 00:09:32,540
Then I lay there alone,
shivering in the dark,
249
00:09:32,541 --> 00:09:33,873
staring into the abyss.
250
00:09:33,874 --> 00:09:36,207
But I've trained
for this moment.
251
00:09:36,208 --> 00:09:37,915
Your mother's
been in an accident.
252
00:09:37,916 --> 00:09:40,082
There's a car
waiting for you outside.
253
00:09:49,124 --> 00:09:50,415
Mom, what happened?
254
00:09:50,416 --> 00:09:52,040
Principal Ablin
said you had an accident.
255
00:09:52,041 --> 00:09:53,207
I did.
256
00:09:53,208 --> 00:09:55,957
I did have an accident.
257
00:09:55,958 --> 00:09:59,123
I opened up a bag of Bugles,
and they went...
258
00:09:59,124 --> 00:10:00,583
everywhere.
259
00:10:04,041 --> 00:10:05,957
You are a psychopath.
260
00:10:05,958 --> 00:10:08,457
Mother/son ditch day,
here we come!
261
00:10:08,458 --> 00:10:09,708
I'm going
back to school.
262
00:10:14,874 --> 00:10:18,123
What I really meant to say is,
I'm glad you're okay.
263
00:10:18,124 --> 00:10:19,249
Aw, sweetie.
264
00:10:23,333 --> 00:10:24,832
Are you holding your finger
on the door lock
265
00:10:24,833 --> 00:10:26,207
while you hug me
with only one arm?
266
00:10:26,208 --> 00:10:27,623
I don't know.
267
00:10:27,624 --> 00:10:28,707
Are you trying
to unlock the door
268
00:10:28,708 --> 00:10:30,457
while you hug me
with only one arm?
269
00:10:42,749 --> 00:10:44,582
That's it!
I'm driving while locking!
270
00:10:44,583 --> 00:10:46,123
I'm driving
while locking!
271
00:10:55,541 --> 00:10:56,873
There you go.
272
00:10:56,874 --> 00:10:59,040
Just get in the circle.
273
00:10:59,041 --> 00:11:00,249
Just edge your way in.
274
00:11:02,583 --> 00:11:03,999
That's it. That's it.
275
00:11:09,541 --> 00:11:10,957
That's not it.
276
00:11:16,999 --> 00:11:17,998
Giants fan, huh?
277
00:11:17,999 --> 00:11:19,540
Yeah.
278
00:11:19,541 --> 00:11:21,248
They've got to figure out
their quarterback problem, huh?
279
00:11:21,249 --> 00:11:22,583
Yeah. Yeah.
280
00:11:24,624 --> 00:11:26,124
You like stamps?
281
00:11:28,249 --> 00:11:29,498
Oh, Greg.
282
00:11:31,208 --> 00:11:33,540
Hey, look! You two
have the same sneakers.
283
00:11:33,541 --> 00:11:35,165
Why don't you
talk about it?
284
00:11:35,166 --> 00:11:36,498
New Balance.
285
00:11:36,499 --> 00:11:38,623
Yeah-- the shoe
of dads everywhere.
286
00:11:38,624 --> 00:11:40,457
I'm Greg.
287
00:11:40,458 --> 00:11:41,498
Charles.
Oh, nice to meet you.
288
00:11:41,499 --> 00:11:42,873
Yeah, it's good
to meet you, too.
289
00:11:42,874 --> 00:11:45,665
So, Cassidy, is that your dad
my dad's talking to?
290
00:11:45,666 --> 00:11:47,415
Yup.
291
00:11:47,416 --> 00:11:49,040
They seem to be
getting along.
292
00:11:49,041 --> 00:11:50,207
Look.
293
00:11:51,541 --> 00:11:52,749
So... cute.
294
00:11:55,208 --> 00:11:56,707
Do you want to come over
to my house
295
00:11:56,708 --> 00:11:58,165
for a playdate
later today?
296
00:11:58,166 --> 00:11:59,291
Okay.
297
00:12:03,166 --> 00:12:04,915
Oh, my God!
298
00:12:04,916 --> 00:12:07,540
Why is that funny?
You're filthy now.
299
00:12:07,541 --> 00:12:09,373
Sandy belly!
Ho ho ho!
300
00:12:13,041 --> 00:12:14,957
The things
I do for him.
301
00:12:17,083 --> 00:12:19,415
You can't tell me
this hasn't been a fun day.
302
00:12:19,416 --> 00:12:20,873
We snuck into a movie,
303
00:12:20,874 --> 00:12:22,498
half-made a Build-A-Bear,
then ran out,
304
00:12:22,499 --> 00:12:23,832
and went
engagement ring shopping
305
00:12:23,833 --> 00:12:25,957
and creeped out
that woman at Zales.
306
00:12:25,958 --> 00:12:28,165
This whole day
had no productive outcome.
307
00:12:28,166 --> 00:12:30,790
And I'm gonna get a zero
on my science notebook entry.
308
00:12:30,791 --> 00:12:32,165
Who cares?
309
00:12:32,166 --> 00:12:33,790
I'll write you a note.
310
00:12:33,791 --> 00:12:35,832
You have got to lighten up,
or before you know it,
311
00:12:35,833 --> 00:12:38,332
you're going to be drinking
yak butter in Nepal.
312
00:12:38,333 --> 00:12:39,748
That sounds
like Disneyland
313
00:12:39,749 --> 00:12:41,249
compared to
the Zales experience.
314
00:12:43,541 --> 00:12:46,749
What is Chloe Brown Mueller
doing in our front yard?!
315
00:12:48,249 --> 00:12:49,665
If I let you drive,
would you run her over?
316
00:12:49,666 --> 00:12:50,790
Mom.
Come on.
317
00:12:50,791 --> 00:12:51,873
They'd try you as a kid,
318
00:12:51,874 --> 00:12:53,290
and then you'd be out
in 18 months.
319
00:13:00,333 --> 00:13:04,707
I told you that I don't want
your signs in my yard!
320
00:13:04,708 --> 00:13:06,873
Yeah, that's why I did it
when you weren't home, dum-dum.
321
00:13:06,874 --> 00:13:08,207
Well,
I'm pulling them out!
322
00:13:08,208 --> 00:13:10,498
Go right ahead.
I posted this all on Instagram.
323
00:13:10,499 --> 00:13:12,123
The poors are gonna
drop their Whoppers
324
00:13:12,124 --> 00:13:13,207
and their 40-ounce colas
325
00:13:13,208 --> 00:13:15,415
and vote Chloe Brown Mueller,
baby!
326
00:13:15,416 --> 00:13:16,748
You can't trespass
on my property
327
00:13:16,749 --> 00:13:18,915
and stick your stupid signs
in my lawn!
328
00:13:18,916 --> 00:13:20,832
Oh, speaking of stupid things
stuck in the grass,
329
00:13:20,833 --> 00:13:21,832
nice flamingo.
330
00:13:21,833 --> 00:13:23,082
Ull!
I like it.
331
00:13:23,083 --> 00:13:24,832
It's witty
and unexpected.
332
00:13:24,833 --> 00:13:26,582
It's not witty
and unexpected, Maria!
333
00:13:26,583 --> 00:13:27,790
It's trashy and crappy!
334
00:13:27,791 --> 00:13:29,082
Isn't that
what you meant?
335
00:13:29,083 --> 00:13:32,165
It belonged to my grandmother.
She collected them.
336
00:13:32,166 --> 00:13:34,707
And I like to keep one
in my yard to remind me of her.
337
00:13:34,708 --> 00:13:35,998
Oh, you're killing me!
338
00:13:35,999 --> 00:13:38,790
Your grandmother collected
plastic flamingos?
339
00:13:38,791 --> 00:13:40,165
What else
did she collect?
340
00:13:41,624 --> 00:13:43,540
Quick-- Maria, give me
some trashy and crappy things
341
00:13:43,541 --> 00:13:45,498
so I can ask Katie if
her grandmother collected them.
342
00:13:45,499 --> 00:13:46,998
Um, I...
343
00:13:46,999 --> 00:13:48,707
Oh, my God, you're useless.
Get in the car!
344
00:13:48,708 --> 00:13:50,123
I don't know why I pay
your health insurance.
345
00:13:50,124 --> 00:13:51,748
I have
a $12,000 deductible.
346
00:13:51,749 --> 00:13:53,498
Doesn't mean
you can't fix that chin!
347
00:14:00,374 --> 00:14:02,498
Grandma to the rescue!
348
00:14:02,499 --> 00:14:03,790
We are going to flamingo
349
00:14:03,791 --> 00:14:05,623
Chloe Brown Mueller's lawn
tonight.
350
00:14:05,624 --> 00:14:06,790
What does that even mean?
351
00:14:06,791 --> 00:14:10,082
You put flamingos
in someone's yard.
352
00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:11,415
Like, a lot of them.
353
00:14:11,416 --> 00:14:12,790
How is that a good idea?
354
00:14:12,791 --> 00:14:14,707
You said that
before we went into Zales,
355
00:14:14,708 --> 00:14:16,457
and we got
free sparkling waters.
356
00:14:19,791 --> 00:14:21,665
So, you have a friend
coming over?
357
00:14:21,666 --> 00:14:23,040
Yeah.
We really hit it off.
358
00:14:23,041 --> 00:14:24,832
Thanks for making me
get back out there.
359
00:14:24,833 --> 00:14:26,040
Ever since Stan left--
360
00:14:26,041 --> 00:14:27,207
Piece of advice--
361
00:14:27,208 --> 00:14:29,498
don't talk about Stan
with this new guy.
362
00:14:29,499 --> 00:14:31,915
He does not want to picture you
with another dad.
363
00:14:31,916 --> 00:14:33,082
Got it.
364
00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:37,332
That must be
your playdate.
365
00:14:37,333 --> 00:14:38,915
Our playdate.
Sure.
366
00:14:38,916 --> 00:14:40,748
I'm not a big fan
of this Cassidy girl,
367
00:14:40,749 --> 00:14:43,623
so let's say
we have a hard out at 5:00.
368
00:14:43,624 --> 00:14:45,749
Okay. Come on.
369
00:14:48,541 --> 00:14:50,040
Hi.
Hi!
370
00:14:50,041 --> 00:14:51,290
Where's your dad?
371
00:14:51,291 --> 00:14:52,874
He's playing tennis
with his buddies.
372
00:14:54,333 --> 00:14:55,540
Oh, I thought--
373
00:14:55,541 --> 00:14:56,665
Sounds fun.
374
00:14:56,666 --> 00:14:57,748
Come on in.
375
00:14:57,749 --> 00:14:58,998
Yay!
376
00:15:04,666 --> 00:15:07,082
New plan-- I'm gonna
play with her for 10 minutes,
377
00:15:07,083 --> 00:15:09,540
and then I'm gonna
make myself throw up.
378
00:15:14,208 --> 00:15:16,082
This is going to make
Chloe Brown Mueller
379
00:15:16,083 --> 00:15:17,457
lose her mind.
380
00:15:17,458 --> 00:15:19,040
I would not want
to be Maria tomorrow.
381
00:15:19,041 --> 00:15:20,207
Or ever.
382
00:15:20,208 --> 00:15:21,790
That is one sad lady.
383
00:15:21,791 --> 00:15:22,915
Honestly,
I don't understand why
384
00:15:22,916 --> 00:15:25,207
putting flamingos
in someone's yard is fun.
385
00:15:25,208 --> 00:15:27,415
If you only learn
one thing from me,
386
00:15:27,416 --> 00:15:30,290
it's that nothing is more fun
than messing with people.
387
00:15:30,291 --> 00:15:31,623
Seriously?!
388
00:15:31,624 --> 00:15:33,582
That's the one thing you want me
to learn from my mother?
389
00:15:33,583 --> 00:15:36,207
Well... that and...
390
00:15:36,208 --> 00:15:37,832
compassion, I guess.
391
00:15:37,833 --> 00:15:39,498
You keep up
with the flamingos.
392
00:15:39,499 --> 00:15:41,207
I'm gonna go draw
some more penises.
393
00:15:41,208 --> 00:15:43,708
Ooh! The L's in "Mueller"
are gonna have a sword fight!
394
00:15:46,333 --> 00:15:47,623
Cops!
395
00:15:47,624 --> 00:15:49,082
Scatter!
We'll meet at the house!
396
00:15:53,583 --> 00:15:55,207
If it makes you feel
any better,
397
00:15:55,208 --> 00:15:56,790
at least your wife didn't
sleep with your best friend,
398
00:15:56,791 --> 00:15:58,623
like McDreamy.
399
00:15:58,624 --> 00:16:00,623
Oh, but then you'd have to have
a best friend first.
400
00:16:00,624 --> 00:16:01,665
Ooh!
401
00:16:01,666 --> 00:16:03,165
Way to go, McDummy.
402
00:16:03,166 --> 00:16:04,998
Guys, your mom
is my best friend.
403
00:16:04,999 --> 00:16:06,790
Problem is,
I can't meet her for drinks
404
00:16:06,791 --> 00:16:08,248
when I'm trying
to get away from her.
405
00:16:09,416 --> 00:16:12,248
Oh, my God!
I got to lay down!
406
00:16:12,249 --> 00:16:14,707
I can't. I can't make it
to the couch.
407
00:16:16,333 --> 00:16:17,707
W-Where's Oliver?
408
00:16:17,708 --> 00:16:19,290
He'll be here
in a second.
409
00:16:19,291 --> 00:16:20,748
He's faster than me,
410
00:16:20,749 --> 00:16:22,833
but I kind of went
as the crow flies.
411
00:16:40,541 --> 00:16:41,623
How old are you?
412
00:16:41,624 --> 00:16:42,540
18.
413
00:16:42,541 --> 00:16:43,748
Okay, have at it.
414
00:16:45,833 --> 00:16:47,290
What happened?
415
00:16:47,291 --> 00:16:48,457
We had to scatter!
416
00:16:48,458 --> 00:16:50,040
And I'm fat, Greg!
417
00:16:50,041 --> 00:16:52,623
I'm a big girl,
so it was harder for me!
418
00:16:52,624 --> 00:16:54,165
Scatter from what?
419
00:16:58,083 --> 00:16:59,748
Hello?
420
00:16:59,749 --> 00:17:01,124
Yes, this is he.
421
00:17:02,624 --> 00:17:04,540
Oh, I'm... sorry
to hear that, officer.
422
00:17:05,666 --> 00:17:07,332
Yes, we'll be
right down.
423
00:17:08,458 --> 00:17:10,582
Scatter from the cops.
424
00:17:14,458 --> 00:17:16,290
I can't believe
you got our son arrested.
425
00:17:16,291 --> 00:17:18,332
You keep saying that
over and over again.
426
00:17:18,333 --> 00:17:19,498
Let's move on.
427
00:17:19,499 --> 00:17:20,665
What was I
supposed to do?
428
00:17:20,666 --> 00:17:21,748
Not get him arrested?
429
00:17:21,749 --> 00:17:22,915
I've been caught
by the cops
430
00:17:22,916 --> 00:17:24,873
for flamingoing lawns
before, Greg.
431
00:17:24,874 --> 00:17:27,623
They give you
a slap on the wrist.
432
00:17:27,624 --> 00:17:29,707
Sometimes,
they ask you out.
433
00:17:29,708 --> 00:17:31,748
Sometimes, you end up
going to the prom
434
00:17:31,749 --> 00:17:32,708
with a police officer.
435
00:17:34,833 --> 00:17:37,457
Trust me--
it's not a big deal.
436
00:17:37,458 --> 00:17:39,332
I hope you're right.
437
00:17:39,333 --> 00:17:41,290
Remember
before we moved here?
438
00:17:41,291 --> 00:17:43,248
Oliver was less serious.
439
00:17:43,249 --> 00:17:44,665
He was goofier.
440
00:17:44,666 --> 00:17:46,123
And then
we come to Westport,
441
00:17:46,124 --> 00:17:48,415
and he has gotten obsessed
with all the wrong things.
442
00:17:48,416 --> 00:17:50,040
And now
he's on that path.
443
00:17:50,041 --> 00:17:51,832
There's a lot of good things
on that path,
444
00:17:51,833 --> 00:17:53,748
like hard work
and a great college.
445
00:17:53,749 --> 00:17:55,123
I don't want him
off the path.
446
00:17:55,124 --> 00:17:57,748
I just want him to have fun
along the way.
447
00:17:57,749 --> 00:17:59,623
And I'm afraid
if he doesn't,
448
00:17:59,624 --> 00:18:03,040
he's gonna end up like Stan
and have a nervous breakdown.
449
00:18:03,041 --> 00:18:06,498
I mean, when was the last time
you heard him laugh?
450
00:18:06,499 --> 00:18:07,708
I miss that.
451
00:18:09,041 --> 00:18:09,999
I miss it, too.
452
00:18:12,791 --> 00:18:14,290
I can't believe
you got our son arrested!
453
00:18:14,291 --> 00:18:16,040
He was
supposed to scatter!
454
00:18:22,041 --> 00:18:23,665
We're here to pick up
our son-- Oliver Otto.
455
00:18:23,666 --> 00:18:24,748
Oliver Otto-- right.
456
00:18:24,749 --> 00:18:26,915
We can't release him
to you just yet.
457
00:18:26,916 --> 00:18:28,457
You want to keep him
for, like, an hour or so,
458
00:18:28,458 --> 00:18:30,790
put a scare into him--
is that what you're thinking?
459
00:18:30,791 --> 00:18:32,415
No, your son
is in real trouble.
460
00:18:32,416 --> 00:18:34,123
He was caught
trespassing,
461
00:18:34,124 --> 00:18:36,332
and he caused
substantial property damage.
462
00:18:36,333 --> 00:18:38,957
Mrs. Brown Mueller
is a political candidate,
463
00:18:38,958 --> 00:18:41,332
so there's an extra set
of special circumstances.
464
00:18:41,333 --> 00:18:43,332
It's flamingoing.
In Florida--
465
00:18:43,333 --> 00:18:44,873
This isn't Florida!
466
00:18:44,874 --> 00:18:47,207
Are you familiar with the term
"zero tolerance"?
467
00:18:47,208 --> 00:18:48,748
Because that's
what you're up against.
468
00:18:48,749 --> 00:18:51,583
He drew genitalia
on official election materials.
469
00:18:53,791 --> 00:18:55,207
Can I at least post bail
and bring him home?
470
00:18:55,208 --> 00:18:56,790
Of course--
right after he's arraigned,
471
00:18:56,791 --> 00:18:58,207
which is
in about two days.
472
00:18:58,208 --> 00:18:59,790
Two days?!
473
00:18:59,791 --> 00:19:02,540
You cannot keep a kid in jail
for two days for flamingoing.
474
00:19:02,541 --> 00:19:04,707
This is
a Class "A" misdemeanor.
475
00:19:04,708 --> 00:19:06,790
You'll probably want
to hire an attorney,
476
00:19:06,791 --> 00:19:08,248
because this is
the kind of thing
477
00:19:08,249 --> 00:19:10,040
that goes on
your permanent record.
478
00:19:10,041 --> 00:19:12,415
Oh, my God, Greg!
Permanent record!
479
00:19:12,416 --> 00:19:13,873
This'll prevent him
from going to college!
480
00:19:13,874 --> 00:19:14,998
What are we
going to do?!
481
00:19:14,999 --> 00:19:15,998
Gotcha!
482
00:19:17,208 --> 00:19:18,873
What?!
I got you!
483
00:19:18,874 --> 00:19:22,082
Special circumstances,
zero tolerance? Classic!
484
00:19:22,083 --> 00:19:24,207
I always giggle
when I'm nervous.
485
00:19:24,208 --> 00:19:25,207
I almost giggled.
486
00:19:25,208 --> 00:19:26,665
You should have seen
your face, Mom.
487
00:19:26,666 --> 00:19:27,915
You were totally
freaked out.
488
00:19:27,916 --> 00:19:30,373
Why in the world
would you do that?
489
00:19:30,374 --> 00:19:33,290
Because nothing is more fun
than messing with people.
490
00:19:37,999 --> 00:19:39,998
You really are
a good student.
491
00:19:39,999 --> 00:19:41,957
You were, like,
"Oh, my God, Greg!
492
00:19:41,958 --> 00:19:43,248
Permanent record"!
493
00:19:45,541 --> 00:19:46,998
Well,
you found his laugh.
494
00:19:46,999 --> 00:19:48,248
Yeah.
495
00:19:48,249 --> 00:19:49,998
I didn't miss it
as much as I thought I did.
496
00:19:55,541 --> 00:19:56,915
So,
when I get arrested,
497
00:19:56,916 --> 00:19:58,457
are you going to throw
a dinner in my honor?
498
00:19:58,458 --> 00:20:00,707
I don't like
how she said "when".
499
00:20:00,708 --> 00:20:02,665
You should know that
I've decided to quit Mandarin.
500
00:20:02,666 --> 00:20:03,748
Are you sure?
501
00:20:03,749 --> 00:20:05,623
Yeah, I'm gonna
take Latin instead.
502
00:20:05,624 --> 00:20:07,373
It's a dead language.
503
00:20:07,374 --> 00:20:09,998
Jeremy Fleisher's parents
can do a lot of things,
504
00:20:09,999 --> 00:20:12,040
but they can't buy him
a dead person.
505
00:20:18,208 --> 00:20:19,998
Hi! Come on in.
How are you?
506
00:20:19,999 --> 00:20:22,082
{\an8}Oh, my God-- cops.
Oliver, run!
507
00:20:22,083 --> 00:20:23,123
{\an8}No, Anna-Kat,
it's okay.
508
00:20:23,124 --> 00:20:24,373
{\an8}We got to talking
in the station.
509
00:20:24,374 --> 00:20:25,915
{\an8}I found out we have
a lot of the same interests.
510
00:20:25,916 --> 00:20:27,082
{\an8}You made a friend?
511
00:20:27,083 --> 00:20:28,915
{\an8}That's right.
We're both philatelists.
512
00:20:28,916 --> 00:20:31,873
{\an8}Greg is one of the most
passionate philatelists
513
00:20:31,874 --> 00:20:32,873
{\an8}I've ever met.
514
00:20:32,874 --> 00:20:33,957
{\an8}Oh!
515
00:20:33,958 --> 00:20:35,790
{\an8}I know it means
something different
516
00:20:35,791 --> 00:20:37,748
{\an8}than what
I'm thinking it means.
517
00:20:37,749 --> 00:20:38,915
{\an8}It means
"stamp collecting".
518
00:20:38,916 --> 00:20:40,790
{\an8}There it is.
37476
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