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1
00:00:02,233 --> 00:00:04,482
I can't believe this window
is still stuck.
2
00:00:04,483 --> 00:00:05,566
I'm freezing
to death!
3
00:00:05,567 --> 00:00:07,274
Before you die,
4
00:00:07,275 --> 00:00:09,066
where in your room did you hide
your Halloween candy?
5
00:00:09,067 --> 00:00:10,441
Mom,
I didn't think any car
6
00:00:10,442 --> 00:00:11,482
could be worse
than your minivan.
7
00:00:11,483 --> 00:00:12,774
But here we are.
8
00:00:12,775 --> 00:00:14,691
Kindly address all complaints
to your father.
9
00:00:14,692 --> 00:00:16,107
He's the one
who's been driving around
10
00:00:16,108 --> 00:00:18,107
with that broken window
for two years.
11
00:00:18,108 --> 00:00:19,482
I'm pretending
I'm Shackleton
12
00:00:19,483 --> 00:00:21,357
when his boat got stuck
in the ice.
13
00:00:21,358 --> 00:00:22,524
I'm pretending
I was switched at birth
14
00:00:22,525 --> 00:00:24,024
and my real family
is waiting at school
15
00:00:24,025 --> 00:00:25,899
to whisk me back
to our castle.
16
00:00:33,150 --> 00:00:34,441
Okay,
we're here!
17
00:00:34,442 --> 00:00:35,566
Time for you to bother
other grown-ups.
18
00:00:35,567 --> 00:00:36,692
Love you!
19
00:00:41,108 --> 00:00:42,482
Mama,
the door won't open.
20
00:00:48,358 --> 00:00:49,357
It still won't open.
21
00:00:49,358 --> 00:00:51,566
Mine, too!
Oh God, we're trapped!
22
00:00:51,567 --> 00:00:53,524
This is
just like Shackleton.
23
00:00:53,525 --> 00:00:56,107
Pretty soon, we're gonna be
eating the sled dogs.
24
00:00:56,108 --> 00:00:58,024
The electrical is shot.
25
00:00:58,025 --> 00:00:59,899
Maybe I shouldn't have bought
that big subwoofer
26
00:00:59,900 --> 00:01:01,816
from the guy
who bags my groceries.
27
00:01:03,108 --> 00:01:05,899
Oh, my God, there's the new guy,
Trip Windsor.
28
00:01:05,900 --> 00:01:07,899
All right,
abandon ship.
29
00:01:07,900 --> 00:01:10,441
Everyone, crawl out
of Taylor's window.
30
00:01:10,442 --> 00:01:11,607
No way!
31
00:01:11,608 --> 00:01:12,691
Not in this shirt!
32
00:01:12,692 --> 00:01:14,607
I finally found John Varvatos
at Marshalls.
33
00:01:15,858 --> 00:01:17,024
No,
not in front of Trip!
34
00:01:17,025 --> 00:01:18,357
I'll just quit school
and stay here.
35
00:01:18,358 --> 00:01:19,816
Yeah,
she doesn't need school.
36
00:01:19,817 --> 00:01:21,232
Let her
embrace her future.
37
00:01:21,233 --> 00:01:22,982
Take her to the nearest
Lancôme counter.
38
00:01:22,983 --> 00:01:24,941
The longer it takes
for you to crawl,
39
00:01:24,942 --> 00:01:26,774
the longer
people are gonna stare.
40
00:01:26,775 --> 00:01:29,066
To the lifeboats!
41
00:01:54,067 --> 00:01:56,482
Thank you for the most
humiliating moment of my life!
42
00:01:56,483 --> 00:01:57,899
Please!
43
00:01:57,900 --> 00:01:59,232
Wait till you hear my speech
at your wedding.
44
00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:09,566
So that is why I am never
driving your car again.
45
00:02:09,567 --> 00:02:11,441
Well, at least you got the doors
to work when you got home.
46
00:02:14,358 --> 00:02:16,357
I got birthed
by a sedan today, Greg.
47
00:02:16,358 --> 00:02:17,566
And the OB-GYN?
48
00:02:17,567 --> 00:02:19,316
The neighbor's gardener.
49
00:02:19,317 --> 00:02:21,274
It's time to take your car
to the mechanic
50
00:02:21,275 --> 00:02:22,357
and get it fixed.
51
00:02:22,358 --> 00:02:23,566
I'd love to,
52
00:02:23,567 --> 00:02:24,899
but I just don't think
we can afford to right now.
53
00:02:24,900 --> 00:02:26,107
My book
comes out tomorrow,
54
00:02:26,108 --> 00:02:27,441
and if it doesn't sell,
I'm not getting tenure.
55
00:02:27,442 --> 00:02:29,441
Do you know what happens to
professors who don't get tenure?
56
00:02:29,442 --> 00:02:30,691
Don't spiral.
57
00:02:30,692 --> 00:02:32,357
They end up
substitute teachers
58
00:02:32,358 --> 00:02:34,149
moonlighting as hosts
at the Cheesecake Factory!
59
00:02:34,150 --> 00:02:35,399
I'm gonna gain 15...
60
00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:37,816
like that!
Aaand...
you're spiraling.
61
00:02:37,817 --> 00:02:39,566
Why are you
assuming the worst?
62
00:02:39,567 --> 00:02:41,441
It doesn't matter
about the book.
63
00:02:41,442 --> 00:02:43,441
You're gonna get tenure
either way.
64
00:02:43,442 --> 00:02:45,066
Katie,
that's not how it works.
65
00:02:45,067 --> 00:02:47,607
If the book fails, we could
end up in the poor house.
66
00:02:47,608 --> 00:02:48,899
End up?
67
00:02:48,900 --> 00:02:50,691
Not one countertop
in this entire house
68
00:02:50,692 --> 00:02:52,024
is made of granite.
69
00:02:52,025 --> 00:02:53,316
We're already here.
70
00:02:53,317 --> 00:02:55,316
Himalayan salt?
71
00:02:55,317 --> 00:02:57,732
Who are we, Facebook employees
five through nine?
72
00:02:59,275 --> 00:03:00,607
And who's not finishing
their Go-Gurt?
73
00:03:00,608 --> 00:03:02,316
This family
is now on a budget.
74
00:03:02,317 --> 00:03:04,982
New rule--
if you're food, you get eaten.
75
00:03:04,983 --> 00:03:07,441
But what about
Hans Gruber?
76
00:03:07,442 --> 00:03:08,399
He's food!
77
00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:09,816
Are you gonna eat him?!
78
00:03:10,567 --> 00:03:11,982
What? No.
79
00:03:11,983 --> 00:03:13,607
Hans Gruber,
we knew this day would come.
80
00:03:13,608 --> 00:03:14,941
Run!
81
00:03:18,317 --> 00:03:20,482
I'm gonna leave a candle
on my window tonight
82
00:03:20,483 --> 00:03:22,399
so my parents with a castle
can find me.
83
00:03:33,442 --> 00:03:35,316
{\an8}Greg's book
comes out today,
84
00:03:35,317 --> 00:03:37,316
{\an8}and he's worried
nobody's gonna buy it.
85
00:03:37,317 --> 00:03:38,067
I'll buy one.
86
00:03:39,233 --> 00:03:41,274
{\an8}What? I bet he has
a dreamy author photo
87
00:03:41,275 --> 00:03:42,691
{\an8}where he's sort of
staring at you
88
00:03:42,692 --> 00:03:45,607
{\an8}with his glasses dangling
from his pillowy lips.
89
00:03:45,608 --> 00:03:47,982
{\an8}Doris, you have your own husband
to fantasize about.
90
00:03:47,983 --> 00:03:50,524
{\an8}All my Richard fantasies involve
me pushing him off a boat.
91
00:03:50,525 --> 00:03:53,524
{\an8}So, is Greg spiraling?
92
00:03:53,525 --> 00:03:54,816
{\an8}To save money
on electricity,
93
00:03:54,817 --> 00:03:56,232
{\an8}he wants us to unplug
the digital clock
94
00:03:56,233 --> 00:03:58,232
{\an8}and just reset it
every time we get home.
95
00:03:58,233 --> 00:04:00,732
Greg is spiraling.
I need that car fixed.
96
00:04:00,733 --> 00:04:02,857
{\an8}This morning when the gardener
pulled me through the window,
97
00:04:02,858 --> 00:04:04,691
{\an8}he got
a big handful of Katie.
98
00:04:04,692 --> 00:04:06,816
{\an8}Well, maybe Greg's book
will get some positive reviews
99
00:04:06,817 --> 00:04:07,857
{\an8}and he'll calm down.
100
00:04:07,858 --> 00:04:09,024
{\an8}Maybe.
101
00:04:09,025 --> 00:04:10,857
{\an8}Or definitely.
102
00:04:10,858 --> 00:04:14,649
{\an8}You two are going to
review his book on Amazon.
103
00:04:14,650 --> 00:04:15,982
{\an8}If there's homework,
104
00:04:15,983 --> 00:04:17,607
{\an8}I'm gonna stop coming
to these breakfasts.
105
00:04:17,608 --> 00:04:19,399
You don't have to read it--
Just give it a glowing review.
106
00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:21,316
{\an8}The positive feedback
will make him feel better.
107
00:04:21,317 --> 00:04:23,441
{\an8}Then he'll relax,
and then we can fix the car.
108
00:04:23,442 --> 00:04:24,899
{\an8}Do you really think
our two reviews
109
00:04:24,900 --> 00:04:26,274
{\an8}are gonna make
a difference?
110
00:04:26,275 --> 00:04:28,316
{\an8}Trust me, one of my favorite
things about Greg
111
00:04:28,317 --> 00:04:31,732
{\an8}is that a little breeze at
his back blows him a long way.
112
00:04:31,733 --> 00:04:33,024
Merry Christmas,
Greg.
113
00:04:33,025 --> 00:04:34,191
Oh, honey,
114
00:04:34,192 --> 00:04:35,816
you shouldn't spend money
on lottery tickets--
115
00:04:35,817 --> 00:04:38,441
no one ever wins.
116
00:04:38,442 --> 00:04:41,441
Look at that!
I won $10!
117
00:04:41,442 --> 00:04:43,024
Kids, we're going
to Benihana!
118
00:04:43,025 --> 00:04:45,149
Everyone can have sodas!
119
00:04:45,150 --> 00:04:46,316
I went
to Benihana once.
120
00:04:46,317 --> 00:04:48,024
The chef flipped shrimp tails
in the air
121
00:04:48,025 --> 00:04:49,441
and caught them
in his hat.
122
00:04:49,442 --> 00:04:51,482
It was like a circus...
in a restaurant!
123
00:04:51,483 --> 00:04:53,524
So you'll help me?
124
00:04:53,525 --> 00:04:55,607
I've been sitting with
you for an hour and
a half on a Thursday.
125
00:04:55,608 --> 00:04:57,191
I clearly have
nothing better to do.
126
00:05:01,650 --> 00:05:03,899
What's with all the fruits
and the leafy-green vegetables?
127
00:05:03,900 --> 00:05:05,191
Where is
my diet soda?
128
00:05:05,192 --> 00:05:06,857
That stuff's
terrible for you.
129
00:05:06,858 --> 00:05:08,107
It's loaded
with chemicals.
130
00:05:08,108 --> 00:05:10,482
70% of my portfolio's
chemicals--
131
00:05:10,483 --> 00:05:13,066
why shouldn't 70%
of my body be, as well?
132
00:05:13,067 --> 00:05:15,441
70% of your portfolio?
133
00:05:15,442 --> 00:05:17,025
Interesting.
134
00:05:18,567 --> 00:05:20,149
What are you doing?
135
00:05:20,150 --> 00:05:21,649
I need to do
a report for school
136
00:05:21,650 --> 00:05:23,149
about a successful person
in my life,
137
00:05:23,150 --> 00:05:24,649
and I'm choosing you.
138
00:05:24,650 --> 00:05:26,232
Oh.
So let's start
from the beginning--
139
00:05:26,233 --> 00:05:28,441
what drove you to become
the man you are today?
140
00:05:28,442 --> 00:05:30,149
Well, I guess
it was my dad.
141
00:05:30,150 --> 00:05:32,316
He shined shoes
in Grand Central Station.
142
00:05:32,317 --> 00:05:34,732
My drive
is not to struggle like he did.
143
00:05:34,733 --> 00:05:36,899
You know that saying,
"Money can't buy you happiness"?
144
00:05:36,900 --> 00:05:38,066
Yeah?
145
00:05:38,067 --> 00:05:39,649
Well,
it's nonsense.
146
00:05:39,650 --> 00:05:41,191
Written by
a rich person
147
00:05:41,192 --> 00:05:44,107
to make poor people feel better
about their sad lives.
148
00:05:44,108 --> 00:05:45,982
Rich people
are the best.
149
00:05:47,317 --> 00:05:49,149
I want to do better
than my dad, too.
150
00:05:49,150 --> 00:05:51,066
Well, doesn't your dad
have a book coming out?
151
00:05:51,067 --> 00:05:52,107
Yeah, today.
152
00:05:52,108 --> 00:05:54,399
Well, he can make some dollars
off of that.
153
00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:56,607
It's called "John Stuart Mill
and the Consequences
154
00:05:56,608 --> 00:05:58,524
of a Thoroughgoing
Empiricist Outlook."
155
00:05:58,525 --> 00:05:59,649
Oh. Well...
156
00:05:59,650 --> 00:06:01,941
money can't
buy you happiness.
157
00:06:03,442 --> 00:06:04,232
Katie!
158
00:06:04,233 --> 00:06:05,732
Yeah?
159
00:06:05,733 --> 00:06:07,607
The first reviews of my book
are in and they love it!
160
00:06:07,608 --> 00:06:09,441
Amazing!
Listen to this!
161
00:06:09,442 --> 00:06:11,232
"This isn't just
the best
162
00:06:11,233 --> 00:06:13,274
John Stuart Mill book
I've ever read--
163
00:06:13,275 --> 00:06:15,524
it's the best book
I've ever read, period."
164
00:06:15,525 --> 00:06:18,066
Wow.
Here's another.
165
00:06:18,067 --> 00:06:20,357
"Greg Otto is clearly
a gifted author and historian.
166
00:06:20,358 --> 00:06:21,941
And what a handsome
author photo."
167
00:06:21,942 --> 00:06:23,191
Well,
thank you...
168
00:06:23,192 --> 00:06:24,691
DragonLady853.
169
00:06:24,692 --> 00:06:27,649
I told you
that you were overreacting.
170
00:06:27,650 --> 00:06:29,357
They go on and on.
See?
171
00:06:29,358 --> 00:06:31,232
You were worried
about nothing.
172
00:06:31,233 --> 00:06:33,649
Who knows,
maybe somewhere down the road,
173
00:06:33,650 --> 00:06:34,816
a John Stuart Mill
musical.
174
00:06:34,817 --> 00:06:36,357
You're right.
175
00:06:36,358 --> 00:06:39,232
"Mill" is so much easier
to rhyme than "Hamilton."
176
00:06:39,233 --> 00:06:40,649
Will. Kill. Chill.
177
00:06:40,650 --> 00:06:42,066
Look at this,
I'm writing already!
178
00:06:42,067 --> 00:06:43,857
And we'll get your car
all fixed up.
179
00:06:43,858 --> 00:06:45,524
You know what?
I'm taking it in the shop today.
180
00:06:45,525 --> 00:06:46,857
And I'm springin'
for a gas cap.
181
00:06:46,858 --> 00:06:49,191
Say goodbye,
wad of balled-up paper towels.
182
00:06:50,775 --> 00:06:53,607
Thank you, DragonLady853
and WifeStealaForeva.
183
00:06:53,608 --> 00:06:55,066
Oh, my God!
184
00:06:55,067 --> 00:06:56,441
You are not
going to believe this--
185
00:06:56,442 --> 00:06:58,441
Londyn told Summit
who told Zola
186
00:06:58,442 --> 00:07:01,482
that Trip Windsor is going to
ask me to the winter dance.
187
00:07:01,483 --> 00:07:03,816
Who?
He's the gorgeous new guy
at school.
188
00:07:03,817 --> 00:07:05,482
Nobody knows anything
about him.
189
00:07:05,483 --> 00:07:06,774
He's totally mysterious.
190
00:07:06,775 --> 00:07:08,357
Perfect.
Mysterious stranger--
191
00:07:08,358 --> 00:07:09,482
every mother's dream.
192
00:07:09,483 --> 00:07:10,982
What,
were there no drifters
193
00:07:10,983 --> 00:07:12,482
who kept to themselves
available?
194
00:07:12,483 --> 00:07:14,066
Dad.
He could be
a great guy.
195
00:07:14,067 --> 00:07:16,066
Impossible!
His name is Trip?
196
00:07:16,067 --> 00:07:17,732
The most slappable name
in the world.
197
00:07:17,733 --> 00:07:19,232
Now who's assuming
the worst?
198
00:07:19,233 --> 00:07:21,191
Sometimes you need to take
the leap and see what happens.
199
00:07:21,192 --> 00:07:23,149
Like I did with my book,
and [Chuckles]...
200
00:07:23,150 --> 00:07:26,691
I say go for it.
Thanks, Dad.
201
00:07:26,692 --> 00:07:28,857
You're not going to any dance
with a boy that we haven't met!
202
00:07:28,858 --> 00:07:32,316
Katie, jump
and the net will appear.
203
00:07:32,317 --> 00:07:36,524
Damn you, DragonLady853
and WifeStealaForeva!
204
00:07:38,650 --> 00:07:40,649
Anna-Kat: Stay.
205
00:07:41,608 --> 00:07:42,649
Stay.
206
00:07:42,650 --> 00:07:44,149
Stay!
207
00:07:44,150 --> 00:07:46,899
Please, Hans Gruber!
You have to hide!
208
00:07:48,067 --> 00:07:50,274
You need to understand--
209
00:07:50,275 --> 00:07:52,982
you've lived
a very sheltered life.
210
00:07:52,983 --> 00:07:56,441
But now people you've loved
and trusted want to eat you.
211
00:07:57,608 --> 00:07:59,191
Why did you have to be
so delicious?
212
00:08:00,442 --> 00:08:01,857
Okay...
213
00:08:01,858 --> 00:08:04,357
when I turn back around,
you better be gone.
214
00:08:05,483 --> 00:08:07,149
1...
215
00:08:07,150 --> 00:08:08,566
2...
216
00:08:08,567 --> 00:08:11,066
3!
217
00:08:11,067 --> 00:08:12,357
Where was this obedience
218
00:08:12,358 --> 00:08:14,858
when I told you
to stop pooping in my closet?
219
00:08:16,067 --> 00:08:19,191
Hans Gruber...
220
00:08:19,192 --> 00:08:21,732
you can't fall asleep without
your lavender night mask!
221
00:08:23,733 --> 00:08:25,357
Sounds like
the reviews worked.
222
00:08:25,358 --> 00:08:27,607
Two days later, and he's out
getting the car fixed.
223
00:08:27,608 --> 00:08:29,441
Yeah, but I think you guys
might've gone too far.
224
00:08:29,442 --> 00:08:31,816
There's a subtle shift in Greg
ever since he read them.
225
00:08:31,817 --> 00:08:34,274
He encouraged Taylor
to hang out with Trip,
226
00:08:34,275 --> 00:08:36,691
and he's been doing finger guns
quite a bit lately.
227
00:08:36,692 --> 00:08:37,775
Is that so bad?
228
00:08:40,192 --> 00:08:41,816
That's horrible!
I am so sorry!
229
00:08:41,817 --> 00:08:43,899
But he'll snap back
when his book doesn't sell.
230
00:08:43,900 --> 00:08:45,982
But then you'll have
a depressed Greg on your hands.
231
00:08:45,983 --> 00:08:47,857
That I know
how to handle.
232
00:08:47,858 --> 00:08:50,107
I make him a meatloaf,
let him call me Martha,
233
00:08:50,108 --> 00:08:51,649
and we play
a little game called
234
00:08:51,650 --> 00:08:54,357
"General Washington comes home
from the war."
235
00:08:54,358 --> 00:08:55,733
Please don't tell me
you have a costume.
236
00:08:56,983 --> 00:08:58,732
You have a costume.
237
00:08:59,733 --> 00:09:01,816
Wow.
He got the horn fixed.
238
00:09:01,817 --> 00:09:03,858
That was fast.
239
00:09:07,692 --> 00:09:09,482
That is not
your car.
240
00:09:15,233 --> 00:09:18,774
Well, ladies,
what do you think?
241
00:09:18,775 --> 00:09:20,941
You bought
a brand-new car?
242
00:09:20,942 --> 00:09:21,941
I got
a great deal.
243
00:09:21,942 --> 00:09:23,107
The dealership
gave me
244
00:09:23,108 --> 00:09:24,899
a month
of satellite radio for free!
245
00:09:24,900 --> 00:09:26,149
We can't afford
a new car.
246
00:09:26,150 --> 00:09:27,899
We can't afford
a new anything.
247
00:09:27,900 --> 00:09:29,650
The net
has appeared.
248
00:09:31,067 --> 00:09:33,149
It's even worse
when he does it.
249
00:09:35,483 --> 00:09:37,775
Oh, my God,
he holstered them.
250
00:09:41,858 --> 00:09:43,191
What is this?
251
00:09:43,192 --> 00:09:45,066
You were supposed to
get your car fixed.
252
00:09:45,067 --> 00:09:47,066
I was, until I pulled into
the shop at the dealership
253
00:09:47,067 --> 00:09:48,649
and I saw this baby
in the window.
254
00:09:48,650 --> 00:09:50,566
Sometimes you just have to say,
"What the heck?"
255
00:09:50,567 --> 00:09:51,899
Mm.
256
00:09:51,900 --> 00:09:53,191
Then I stopped at Benihana
for lunch.
257
00:09:53,192 --> 00:09:54,607
It's not as fun
when it's just you.
Greg.
258
00:09:54,608 --> 00:09:56,149
This is a new car.
259
00:09:56,150 --> 00:09:58,066
We're not
a new-car family.
260
00:09:58,067 --> 00:10:00,191
We're not
a new-anything family.
261
00:10:00,192 --> 00:10:02,691
You know why our pillowcases
are so soft?
262
00:10:02,692 --> 00:10:05,232
I bought them
at the Petersons' yard sale.
263
00:10:05,233 --> 00:10:08,607
That's right, we sleep on
dead-people sheets.
264
00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:10,774
I knew you'd be a bit
hesitant. Let me show you
what this baby's got.
265
00:10:11,775 --> 00:10:13,482
Front-wheel drive.
266
00:10:13,483 --> 00:10:15,066
Heated front seats.
267
00:10:15,067 --> 00:10:16,649
Intelligent
clearance sonar.
268
00:10:16,650 --> 00:10:17,982
Ask me
what that means?
269
00:10:17,983 --> 00:10:19,899
I don't know,
but it's awesome!
270
00:10:19,900 --> 00:10:21,024
Does that
have any features
271
00:10:21,025 --> 00:10:22,274
that let you
go back in time and return it?
272
00:10:22,275 --> 00:10:25,066
I know my cheap Greg
is in there somewhere.
273
00:10:25,067 --> 00:10:26,649
The one
who waters down Palmolive
274
00:10:26,650 --> 00:10:28,357
so I can barely
get my dishes clean.
275
00:10:28,358 --> 00:10:29,899
What are you
talking about?
276
00:10:29,900 --> 00:10:32,316
This car
needs to go back.
277
00:10:32,317 --> 00:10:33,899
Katie,
we're fine.
278
00:10:33,900 --> 00:10:36,066
The reviews for my book
are amazing.
279
00:10:36,067 --> 00:10:37,524
It'll be a hit--
I'll get tenure.
280
00:10:37,525 --> 00:10:39,232
We deserve to be
a new-car family.
281
00:10:39,233 --> 00:10:41,149
Your book
only has two reviews.
282
00:10:41,150 --> 00:10:43,441
Two stellar reviews.
283
00:10:43,442 --> 00:10:44,857
Yeah.
284
00:10:44,858 --> 00:10:46,732
"This isn't a book--
it's a revelation.
285
00:10:46,733 --> 00:10:49,232
This love letter to Mill
is a masterpiece
286
00:10:49,233 --> 00:10:51,107
our generation
doesn't deserve."
287
00:10:51,108 --> 00:10:52,107
That...
288
00:10:52,108 --> 00:10:53,649
is an excellent
turn of phrase.
289
00:10:53,650 --> 00:10:55,024
There's another one.
290
00:10:55,025 --> 00:10:56,441
"This treatise
has no equal.
291
00:10:56,442 --> 00:10:59,857
It is the sun and we are
fortunate to bask in its light.
292
00:10:59,858 --> 00:11:01,649
Greg Otto is a luminary."
293
00:11:01,650 --> 00:11:03,941
But reviews
are not sales.
294
00:11:03,942 --> 00:11:05,732
A luminary, Katie.
295
00:11:10,317 --> 00:11:13,566
Whoa, Taylor's really
stepped up her game.
296
00:11:13,567 --> 00:11:14,899
Hey, guys.
297
00:11:14,900 --> 00:11:17,774
This is Trip-- my non-drifter
date to the dance.
298
00:11:17,775 --> 00:11:19,774
Whoa!
299
00:11:19,775 --> 00:11:21,607
Sweet ride.
300
00:11:21,608 --> 00:11:24,316
Love this guy.
See? Who was right?
301
00:11:24,317 --> 00:11:25,982
Is there anything
I'm not nailin' today?
302
00:11:25,983 --> 00:11:27,316
Yeah,
I can think of something.
303
00:11:27,317 --> 00:11:29,316
So, is that
your car?
304
00:11:29,317 --> 00:11:31,441
Yeah. Yep. My parents
promised to buy the car
if I got straight C's.
305
00:11:31,442 --> 00:11:32,691
Ahh.
306
00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:33,941
Straight C's?
307
00:11:33,942 --> 00:11:35,274
Yeah.
And I finally got 'em.
308
00:11:35,275 --> 00:11:36,566
Mm.
309
00:11:36,567 --> 00:11:38,816
Well, one D,
but it was just English,
310
00:11:38,817 --> 00:11:40,232
so my parents
were cool.
311
00:11:40,233 --> 00:11:41,732
What kinda mileage
you get on that thing?
312
00:11:41,733 --> 00:11:43,024
Uhhh...
313
00:11:43,025 --> 00:11:44,441
If this is
a test,
314
00:11:44,442 --> 00:11:46,024
I'm legally allowed
to take it untimed.
315
00:11:47,692 --> 00:11:49,107
Whoa!
316
00:11:49,108 --> 00:11:51,274
This thing's got
so many buttons.
317
00:11:51,275 --> 00:11:52,774
Yeah, it does.
High five!
318
00:11:52,775 --> 00:11:54,066
Red sports-car club!
319
00:11:54,067 --> 00:11:55,399
Yeah.
320
00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:56,899
Great.
321
00:11:56,900 --> 00:11:59,524
Now I'm dealing with a smart
moron and a moron moron.
322
00:11:59,525 --> 00:12:00,941
Hans Gruber?
323
00:12:00,942 --> 00:12:03,441
Where have you gone to?
324
00:12:03,442 --> 00:12:06,982
I've got your favorite food--
trash.
325
00:12:10,733 --> 00:12:11,816
This is
all your fault.
326
00:12:11,817 --> 00:12:13,732
Our fault?
Yes!
327
00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:15,441
Your reviews
were too good.
328
00:12:15,442 --> 00:12:18,232
And now Greg is spending money
we don't have.
329
00:12:18,233 --> 00:12:19,857
Hey, don't hand Michelangelo
a paint brush
330
00:12:19,858 --> 00:12:21,941
and then complain
when you get the Sistine Chapel.
331
00:12:21,942 --> 00:12:24,066
I got them to throw in
a free month of satellite radio,
332
00:12:24,067 --> 00:12:25,899
and this month
has 31 days, so...
333
00:12:25,900 --> 00:12:26,941
Legend!
334
00:12:28,150 --> 00:12:30,524
I've got to
tell Greg the truth.
335
00:12:30,525 --> 00:12:32,066
That you had us
make up reviews
336
00:12:32,067 --> 00:12:34,149
so he could feel good and
you could get your car fixed?
337
00:12:34,150 --> 00:12:36,024
God,
that's the truth?
338
00:12:36,025 --> 00:12:37,691
The truth
sounds awful.
339
00:12:37,692 --> 00:12:40,691
Greg, can I have a word
with you?
340
00:12:40,692 --> 00:12:42,982
Kind of in the middle of
a red-sports-car club meeting.
341
00:12:42,983 --> 00:12:44,274
Come on, Trip,
let's go.
342
00:12:44,275 --> 00:12:45,649
Whenever my mom
says that,
343
00:12:45,650 --> 00:12:47,691
it's never one word,
and it's never good.
344
00:12:47,692 --> 00:12:49,149
Meeting adjourned.
345
00:12:49,150 --> 00:12:51,442
Love it.
346
00:12:52,983 --> 00:12:55,357
About the reviews
you got--
347
00:12:55,358 --> 00:12:57,191
Yeah, I still
can't believe them.
Good.
348
00:12:57,192 --> 00:12:58,857
That is a good zone
to be in,
349
00:12:58,858 --> 00:13:00,316
but the thing is--
350
00:13:00,317 --> 00:13:02,691
Whoa! It's my publisher.
Talk to me, Vance.
351
00:13:02,692 --> 00:13:04,441
Thank God.
I'm off the hook.
352
00:13:04,442 --> 00:13:06,441
His publisher will tell him
the book bombed,
353
00:13:06,442 --> 00:13:08,107
and I'll be here
to cheer him up
354
00:13:08,108 --> 00:13:09,982
dressed as a panty-less
Martha Washington.
355
00:13:09,983 --> 00:13:11,983
Then we can return the car
and go back to normal.
356
00:13:13,025 --> 00:13:16,524
Oh, Greg,
I'm sorry.
357
00:13:16,525 --> 00:13:19,441
The book sold out.
All 10,000 copies.
358
00:13:19,442 --> 00:13:20,441
It's a hit!
359
00:13:20,442 --> 00:13:22,899
Yeah,
I'd be speechless, too,
360
00:13:22,900 --> 00:13:25,524
if I found myself
married to a luminary.
361
00:13:25,525 --> 00:13:27,066
Sorry, "moist."
362
00:13:27,067 --> 00:13:30,066
"Luminary" just became
my new least-favorite word.
363
00:13:33,067 --> 00:13:35,024
A best-seller
and a new car?
364
00:13:35,025 --> 00:13:36,857
Sounds like
your dad's on a roll.
365
00:13:36,858 --> 00:13:39,857
I won't be offended if you want
to write that report on him.
366
00:13:39,858 --> 00:13:41,816
Why would I write about him
when I can write about you?
367
00:13:41,817 --> 00:13:43,232
Your life's amazing.
368
00:13:43,233 --> 00:13:44,941
You were the one
369
00:13:44,942 --> 00:13:46,649
who turned Michael Jackson on
to chimpanzees.
370
00:13:46,650 --> 00:13:49,232
Anyone can write about me.
Hell, plenty of people have.
371
00:13:49,233 --> 00:13:51,524
But no one has yet broken
the story of Greg Otto.
372
00:13:51,525 --> 00:13:52,941
I guess.
373
00:13:52,942 --> 00:13:55,024
But my dad's never even
been to prison.
374
00:13:55,025 --> 00:13:56,107
And I don't
want you to keep
375
00:13:56,108 --> 00:13:57,732
building up federal prison
in your head.
376
00:13:57,733 --> 00:13:58,899
I mean,
it's great,
377
00:13:58,900 --> 00:14:01,191
but to put it in terms
you'd understand--
378
00:14:01,192 --> 00:14:06,191
Oahu, Lanai, Maui,
prison, Kauai.
379
00:14:10,358 --> 00:14:12,357
It's true.
It's sold out.
380
00:14:12,358 --> 00:14:13,607
I know.
381
00:14:13,608 --> 00:14:14,649
Greg is so happy.
382
00:14:14,650 --> 00:14:16,066
It's like that time
he thought
383
00:14:16,067 --> 00:14:17,732
he saw Bill Nye
at the farmers market.
384
00:14:17,733 --> 00:14:19,357
Hello.
385
00:14:19,358 --> 00:14:21,399
Hmm...
386
00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:24,357
Do we have
any tapenade?
387
00:14:24,358 --> 00:14:27,774
I don't think so because
I don't know what that is.
388
00:14:27,775 --> 00:14:28,857
Well, we're gonna need
to get some
389
00:14:28,858 --> 00:14:30,441
because now that
I'm a celebrated author,
390
00:14:30,442 --> 00:14:32,441
I'm gonna start hosting
a weekly salon
391
00:14:32,442 --> 00:14:34,107
here at the house.
392
00:14:34,108 --> 00:14:36,357
Why would we get haircuts
in our house?
393
00:14:36,358 --> 00:14:38,566
Oh, Katie. No.
394
00:14:38,567 --> 00:14:41,942
A salon is a gathering of minds
to explore intellectual topics.
395
00:14:43,192 --> 00:14:46,024
I'm not loving
what's going on here.
396
00:14:46,025 --> 00:14:47,941
You ladies are welcome
to come to the salon,
397
00:14:47,942 --> 00:14:49,232
as observers,
of course.
398
00:14:49,233 --> 00:14:51,899
You can observe me
giving you one of these.
399
00:14:51,900 --> 00:14:53,649
Okay.
400
00:14:53,650 --> 00:14:55,107
I know you're not happy
with where you are in life,
401
00:14:55,108 --> 00:14:57,316
but someday, girls,
like me,
402
00:14:57,317 --> 00:14:59,316
your ship will come in.
403
00:14:59,317 --> 00:15:02,399
Uh, I only have my kids
every other weekend.
404
00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:04,566
My ship
has come in, baby.
405
00:15:07,858 --> 00:15:10,732
You know, sometimes I think
your Second Breakfast rants
406
00:15:10,733 --> 00:15:13,399
are just you complaining,
but this [bleep] is real.
407
00:15:15,775 --> 00:15:17,900
See you at school.
408
00:15:21,275 --> 00:15:24,067
Hey, Kate, can you tell Greg
that I had to scoot?
409
00:15:27,233 --> 00:15:29,232
Mrs. Otto
will tell Mr. Otto
410
00:15:29,233 --> 00:15:31,982
that Taylor's new friend
had to leave.
411
00:15:31,983 --> 00:15:33,232
Yeah,
you can tell him, too.
412
00:15:33,233 --> 00:15:35,274
Whatever.
Trip...
413
00:15:35,275 --> 00:15:37,607
I don't think
you and Taylor should date.
414
00:15:37,608 --> 00:15:38,857
Totally!
415
00:15:38,858 --> 00:15:40,316
We're on
the same page.
416
00:15:40,317 --> 00:15:41,357
Keeping it caj.
417
00:15:41,358 --> 00:15:43,399
Just a fun, physical thing,
you know?
418
00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:45,274
Lates, Kate.
419
00:15:46,400 --> 00:15:48,607
Easy on the eyes.
Tough on the brain.
420
00:15:48,608 --> 00:15:49,857
Bright side--
421
00:15:49,858 --> 00:15:51,857
Taylor gets to be the smart one
in the relationship.
422
00:15:51,858 --> 00:15:53,191
Ugh!
423
00:15:53,192 --> 00:15:54,857
Greg and Taylor
are stressing me out!
424
00:15:54,858 --> 00:15:56,191
I'm going to go sit
in the new Camry
425
00:15:56,192 --> 00:15:57,816
and enjoy
that there are no sticky pennies
426
00:15:57,817 --> 00:15:59,941
stuck in
the cup holders.
427
00:16:08,817 --> 00:16:10,316
Hans Gruber!
428
00:16:12,858 --> 00:16:17,024
Ohh, hey, bacon legs,
get back here!
429
00:16:19,442 --> 00:16:22,441
Ohh!
430
00:16:31,358 --> 00:16:33,232
I don't know
what the pig told you,
431
00:16:33,233 --> 00:16:34,357
but they're not mine.
432
00:16:39,983 --> 00:16:42,441
How many of Greg's books
did you buy?
433
00:16:42,442 --> 00:16:43,649
All of them.
434
00:16:43,650 --> 00:16:44,899
Why?
435
00:16:44,900 --> 00:16:46,649
Well,
Oliver was interviewing me
436
00:16:46,650 --> 00:16:48,816
for a report on
someone successful in his life,
437
00:16:48,817 --> 00:16:49,941
and I thought he should do it
on his dad
438
00:16:49,942 --> 00:16:51,482
instead of me.
439
00:16:51,483 --> 00:16:53,649
So you bought the books
to make Greg look good.
440
00:16:53,650 --> 00:16:55,232
Well, a boy should be
proud of his father.
441
00:16:55,233 --> 00:16:57,316
I wasn't,
and I regret it.
442
00:16:57,317 --> 00:16:59,607
That's very sweet of you,
Spencer.
443
00:16:59,608 --> 00:17:01,524
But 10,000 copies?
444
00:17:01,525 --> 00:17:04,232
I only meant to buy a few dozen,
but when I did--
445
00:17:04,233 --> 00:17:06,691
Have you seen
this amazon.com thing?
446
00:17:06,692 --> 00:17:08,232
Of course!
447
00:17:08,233 --> 00:17:10,107
You haven't lived
until you get a snow shovel
448
00:17:10,108 --> 00:17:11,941
and baby carrots
in the same package.
449
00:17:11,942 --> 00:17:13,441
I'm banned
from trading stocks,
450
00:17:13,442 --> 00:17:15,066
so when I started
buying Greg's book
451
00:17:15,067 --> 00:17:17,274
and I saw it
climb up the sales ranking,
452
00:17:17,275 --> 00:17:19,274
it gave me a rush
like the old days.
453
00:17:19,275 --> 00:17:20,774
And before I knew it,
I bought them all.
454
00:17:20,775 --> 00:17:23,274
Come on,
Hans Gruber.
455
00:17:23,275 --> 00:17:26,149
Let's go home and bring
our luminary back down to Earth.
456
00:17:26,150 --> 00:17:29,191
What are you going to do
with all these books?
457
00:17:29,192 --> 00:17:31,732
Disappoint trick-or-treaters
for the next 10 or so years.
458
00:17:34,775 --> 00:17:37,316
Greg, I need to talk to you
about something.
459
00:17:37,317 --> 00:17:39,066
Hans Gruber, you're safe,
460
00:17:39,067 --> 00:17:40,566
and you don't have to hide
anymore!
461
00:17:40,567 --> 00:17:42,066
My dad's book
is a success,
462
00:17:42,067 --> 00:17:43,941
so we can afford
not to eat you!
463
00:17:43,942 --> 00:17:45,108
Well, Hans,
don't get too comfortable.
464
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:48,066
Greg, I need
to tell you s--
465
00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:49,649
"Until this report,
I never knew
466
00:17:49,650 --> 00:17:50,816
that my dad
wrote his book at night
467
00:17:50,817 --> 00:17:52,399
after we all
went to sleep.
468
00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:54,232
Sometimes he worked
until 4:00 in the morning
469
00:17:54,233 --> 00:17:55,941
because he put
his family first.
470
00:17:55,942 --> 00:17:57,941
He didn't sacrifice us
for his dream.
471
00:17:57,942 --> 00:18:00,982
And still,
his dream came true.
472
00:18:00,983 --> 00:18:02,857
Sometimes being
a good man
473
00:18:02,858 --> 00:18:04,899
makes you
a great man.
474
00:18:04,900 --> 00:18:07,108
I couldn't be more proud
to be his son."
475
00:18:08,442 --> 00:18:10,649
That's the best review
I've ever gotten.
476
00:18:14,608 --> 00:18:17,066
I'm gonna put
a cover on this
477
00:18:17,067 --> 00:18:18,191
and go watch
"Game of Thrones."
478
00:18:18,192 --> 00:18:19,232
No,
you're not.
479
00:18:19,233 --> 00:18:20,441
All my friends
are allowed to.
480
00:18:20,442 --> 00:18:21,442
No,
they're not.
481
00:18:24,442 --> 00:18:25,441
Mm.
482
00:18:25,442 --> 00:18:26,649
I'm proud
of you, too.
483
00:18:26,650 --> 00:18:27,899
Thanks, honey.
484
00:18:27,900 --> 00:18:29,107
What did you
want to talk about?
485
00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:31,066
Just, um...
486
00:18:31,067 --> 00:18:34,691
What should we serve
at your salon?
487
00:18:34,692 --> 00:18:36,649
Hmm...
488
00:18:36,650 --> 00:18:38,774
pistachios.
489
00:18:38,775 --> 00:18:40,482
Pistachios?
490
00:18:40,483 --> 00:18:43,774
Oh, God, I so want to tell him
about the books!
491
00:18:45,817 --> 00:18:48,316
Hey, Mom.
Trip's gonna pick me up.
492
00:18:48,317 --> 00:18:50,441
We're gonna go see
a movie.
Taylor.
493
00:18:50,442 --> 00:18:51,524
Sit down.
494
00:18:51,525 --> 00:18:52,732
Here it comes.
495
00:18:52,733 --> 00:18:54,482
Here what comes?
496
00:18:54,483 --> 00:18:55,899
You don't like him.
You don't want me seeing him.
497
00:18:55,900 --> 00:18:56,816
You think
I'm too good for him.
498
00:18:56,817 --> 00:18:58,107
That's the gist
of it,
499
00:18:58,108 --> 00:18:59,191
but I would have
said it snarkier.
500
00:18:59,192 --> 00:19:01,816
I still
want to date him.
Why?
501
00:19:01,817 --> 00:19:04,149
Because he's nice.
And he's cute.
502
00:19:04,150 --> 00:19:06,232
And you always talk about
all the dumb guys
503
00:19:06,233 --> 00:19:07,482
you dated
before Dad.
504
00:19:07,483 --> 00:19:09,524
Maybe the reason
you fell in love with him
505
00:19:09,525 --> 00:19:12,107
is because you got all those
dumb guys out of your system.
506
00:19:12,108 --> 00:19:13,274
No.
507
00:19:13,275 --> 00:19:16,107
Don't you make me see things
in a new light.
508
00:19:16,108 --> 00:19:17,774
I promise
I won't be home late.
509
00:19:17,775 --> 00:19:19,607
All right.
510
00:19:19,608 --> 00:19:21,774
Go to the movies.
511
00:19:21,775 --> 00:19:23,441
Just nothing 3-D.
512
00:19:23,442 --> 00:19:25,566
You don't want him doing this
the whole time.
513
00:19:33,442 --> 00:19:35,649
I was thinking Wednesday
for your salon.
514
00:19:35,650 --> 00:19:37,482
I'll have
the tapenade ready.
515
00:19:37,483 --> 00:19:38,899
I looked it up online.
516
00:19:38,900 --> 00:19:42,107
Turns out it's just a fancy word
for mushed-up olives.
517
00:19:42,108 --> 00:19:43,607
I know that Spencer
bought all my books.
518
00:19:43,608 --> 00:19:46,066
And I know you know.
519
00:19:46,067 --> 00:19:48,024
I wanted
to do a book tour.
520
00:19:48,025 --> 00:19:49,857
So my publisher
tracked my sales
521
00:19:49,858 --> 00:19:51,649
to see which cities
I should visit.
522
00:19:51,650 --> 00:19:54,399
Turns out all my books sold
in just one town--
523
00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:58,149
just this town--
just one address.
524
00:19:58,150 --> 00:20:00,566
Spencer's.
525
00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:03,107
He just assumed I was
there because you'd
already told me everything.
526
00:20:03,108 --> 00:20:05,232
He gave me a signed copy
of my own book.
527
00:20:05,233 --> 00:20:07,024
I don't know
why he signed it.
528
00:20:07,025 --> 00:20:08,649
So, thanks.
529
00:20:08,650 --> 00:20:09,858
For what?
530
00:20:11,150 --> 00:20:13,774
For knowing the truth
but letting me have the win,
531
00:20:13,775 --> 00:20:16,149
even though I was acting
like a pompous jerk.
532
00:20:16,150 --> 00:20:18,441
You weren't pompous, honey.
533
00:20:18,442 --> 00:20:21,066
You were just a luminary
planning a salon.
534
00:20:21,067 --> 00:20:22,191
Oh, God.
535
00:20:23,233 --> 00:20:25,024
I guess I let success
get to my head.
536
00:20:25,025 --> 00:20:26,816
Well, that won't be
a problem now.
537
00:20:26,817 --> 00:20:28,941
Only one person
bought my book.
Hey!
538
00:20:28,942 --> 00:20:30,649
Who knows how many books
you might have sold
539
00:20:30,650 --> 00:20:32,316
if Spencer
hadn't bought them all?
540
00:20:32,317 --> 00:20:33,566
Yeah, I guess.
541
00:20:33,567 --> 00:20:36,857
Plus, as far as
the tenure committee knows,
542
00:20:36,858 --> 00:20:38,191
you sold 10,000 books!
543
00:20:38,192 --> 00:20:39,941
Don't do that thing
544
00:20:39,942 --> 00:20:42,316
where you tell people the truth
when you don't have to.
545
00:20:42,317 --> 00:20:44,232
You don't bring
the empty candy wrappers
546
00:20:44,233 --> 00:20:45,649
to the cash register.
547
00:20:45,650 --> 00:20:47,691
You tuck them behind
some produce.
548
00:20:47,692 --> 00:20:49,899
Katie, ethically,
I feel I have to tell them--
549
00:20:49,900 --> 00:20:51,691
That's the only way
we get to keep the car.
550
00:20:51,692 --> 00:20:53,441
That my book sold out
on the first day.
551
00:21:00,942 --> 00:21:02,066
{\an8}You wouldn't believe
the day I had, honey.
552
00:21:02,067 --> 00:21:03,857
{\an8}But it was worth it.
We won.
553
00:21:03,858 --> 00:21:06,607
{\an8}So the British surrendered?
554
00:21:06,608 --> 00:21:07,857
{\an8}Yes, verily.
555
00:21:07,858 --> 00:21:09,024
{\an8}We surprised them
at Yorktown
556
00:21:09,025 --> 00:21:10,191
{\an8}and battled them
back to the ocean.
557
00:21:10,192 --> 00:21:12,107
{\an8}That's wonderful,
George.
558
00:21:12,108 --> 00:21:15,149
{\an8}Now eat some meat loaf
and then we'll retire upstairs.
559
00:21:16,650 --> 00:21:18,149
{\an8}Eat fast.
The kids' movie ends at 9:00.
560
00:21:18,150 --> 00:21:19,149
{\an8}Mmm!
561
00:21:19,150 --> 00:21:20,108
{\an8}Yeah.
40620
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