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1
00:00:05,842 --> 00:00:08,549
Ooh!
Looks like Santa forgot one.
2
00:00:08,550 --> 00:00:10,632
Presents!
3
00:00:12,592 --> 00:00:15,757
Merry Christmas, sweetheart.
4
00:00:15,758 --> 00:00:17,799
You look handsome
in your new outfit.
5
00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:19,716
Really? 'Cause I risked it this
year and went full mannequin.
6
00:00:19,717 --> 00:00:22,299
Whatever the mannequin
was wearing, I bought.
7
00:00:22,300 --> 00:00:24,549
Everybody freeze!
You know the drill.
8
00:00:24,550 --> 00:00:27,466
First we build a fire,
then we have a big breakfast,
9
00:00:27,467 --> 00:00:29,924
then Dad gives his "True Meaning
of Christmas" speech, then...
10
00:00:29,925 --> 00:00:31,382
Oliver cuts me off
and says...
11
00:00:31,383 --> 00:00:32,507
Can we just get
to the presents?
12
00:00:32,508 --> 00:00:33,632
And then you say...
13
00:00:33,633 --> 00:00:35,174
Don't make me hit you
on Christmas.
14
00:00:35,175 --> 00:00:37,549
And then I finish the speech,
and we all open presents.
15
00:00:37,550 --> 00:00:40,216
And that's
our family tradition.
16
00:00:40,217 --> 00:00:42,341
All we need is Dad's seasonal
hypochondria to kick in.
17
00:00:42,342 --> 00:00:43,341
Ha, ha.
18
00:00:43,342 --> 00:00:45,049
It's not hypochondria
if it's real.
19
00:00:45,050 --> 00:00:46,716
My hands
are definitely tingling.
20
00:00:46,717 --> 00:00:47,882
It feels like carpal tunnel
21
00:00:47,883 --> 00:00:49,382
from wrapping all those presents
last night.
22
00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:51,341
Or maybe it's arthritis.
My nanna had hands like this.
23
00:00:51,342 --> 00:00:54,591
It's not arthritis.
Taylor's right.
24
00:00:54,592 --> 00:00:57,174
Your hypochondria flares up
every Christmas
25
00:00:57,175 --> 00:00:59,257
because you know all
the doctors' offices are closed.
26
00:00:59,258 --> 00:01:00,757
There's always Dr. Weber
down the street.
27
00:01:00,758 --> 00:01:01,924
He retired
and moved to Oregon.
28
00:01:01,925 --> 00:01:03,549
He just
euthanizes people now.
29
00:01:03,550 --> 00:01:05,675
Let's just get through
these stupid traditions...
30
00:01:07,258 --> 00:01:08,757
...that are so meaningful.
31
00:01:20,842 --> 00:01:22,382
The crackle of the fireplace,
32
00:01:22,383 --> 00:01:24,216
the smell of apples
and cinnamon,
33
00:01:24,217 --> 00:01:27,341
snow on the windowsill are all
what make Christmas special.
34
00:01:27,342 --> 00:01:29,132
But--
But the people in
this room--
35
00:01:29,133 --> 00:01:30,424
that's what makes Christmas
the most special of all.
36
00:01:30,425 --> 00:01:31,675
Presents!
37
00:01:33,383 --> 00:01:36,091
I hope Santa brought me
volume two of "The Big Finish:
38
00:01:36,092 --> 00:01:38,591
Rich, Famous,
and How They Died."
39
00:01:38,592 --> 00:01:40,674
I practically memorized
volume one.
40
00:01:40,675 --> 00:01:42,007
Attila the Hun got drunk
41
00:01:42,008 --> 00:01:44,007
and died of a nosebleed
on his wedding night.
42
00:01:44,008 --> 00:01:46,799
He drowned
in his own blood.
43
00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:48,716
Attila...
44
00:01:48,717 --> 00:01:50,299
Where are my
ballet tickets?
45
00:01:50,300 --> 00:01:53,716
Envelope or are they just trying
to trick me with the big box?
46
00:01:53,717 --> 00:01:55,591
I hope love is in one
of these packages,
47
00:01:55,592 --> 00:01:58,257
because I don't have any
since Eyo and I broke up.
48
00:01:58,258 --> 00:01:59,924
I hope a muzzle is in one
of those packages.
49
00:02:03,758 --> 00:02:05,466
What's making
that noise?
50
00:02:05,467 --> 00:02:07,591
It sounds familiar.
51
00:02:07,592 --> 00:02:08,882
It's the landline!
52
00:02:08,883 --> 00:02:10,091
No one calls the landline
unless--
53
00:02:10,092 --> 00:02:11,382
Somebody's dead.
54
00:02:11,383 --> 00:02:12,966
Or it's that computer
that tries to trick you
55
00:02:12,967 --> 00:02:14,424
into thinking
it's a real person.
56
00:02:14,425 --> 00:02:15,549
"Hi, this is Amy.
57
00:02:15,550 --> 00:02:17,132
Give me a moment
to adjust my headset."
58
00:02:17,133 --> 00:02:18,507
She gets me every time.
59
00:02:18,508 --> 00:02:20,049
Nobody move!
60
00:02:20,050 --> 00:02:23,007
The tradition is,
we open presents together.
61
00:02:24,258 --> 00:02:25,799
Hello?
62
00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:27,757
Drugs!
Give me drugs, you hack!
63
00:02:27,758 --> 00:02:29,466
Doris?
Oh, finally.
64
00:02:29,467 --> 00:02:30,507
Katie, where are you?!
65
00:02:30,508 --> 00:02:32,382
I've been texting you
like crazy!
66
00:02:32,383 --> 00:02:33,716
I didn't get any--
67
00:02:33,717 --> 00:02:35,466
Oh.
68
00:02:35,467 --> 00:02:37,549
I'm in labor,
and I'm all alone!
69
00:02:37,550 --> 00:02:39,091
Where's your family?
70
00:02:39,092 --> 00:02:41,132
Aspen. I wasn't due
for another two weeks,
71
00:02:41,133 --> 00:02:43,591
so I sent everybody out of town
because I'm huge,
72
00:02:43,592 --> 00:02:46,049
and my body's producing a gas
that made our dog run away.
73
00:02:46,050 --> 00:02:47,466
Okay, well,
what do you want me to do?
74
00:02:47,467 --> 00:02:48,966
Get your butt over here.
75
00:02:48,967 --> 00:02:51,216
I'm not giving birth alone
like some teenage crack whore.
76
00:02:51,217 --> 00:02:52,424
I'll be right there.
We just need to open--
77
00:02:52,425 --> 00:02:53,632
Now!
78
00:02:53,633 --> 00:02:55,841
Okay, I'm coming.
79
00:02:55,842 --> 00:02:58,341
Doris is having
a baby.
80
00:02:58,342 --> 00:03:01,882
Nobody touches anything.
Christmas is on hold.
81
00:03:03,258 --> 00:03:04,549
Don't worry.
It's her fourth.
82
00:03:04,550 --> 00:03:06,258
Hopefully,
it'll slide right out.
83
00:03:11,842 --> 00:03:14,507
{\an8}Mom, you can't go anywhere.
We have to open our presents.
84
00:03:14,508 --> 00:03:16,341
No!
Not until I get back.
85
00:03:16,342 --> 00:03:17,757
This is madness!
86
00:03:17,758 --> 00:03:18,799
Do my hands look blue to you?
87
00:03:18,800 --> 00:03:20,216
{\an8}You're perfectly fine.
88
00:03:20,217 --> 00:03:21,924
{\an8}And under no circumstances
are you to try
89
00:03:21,925 --> 00:03:23,174
{\an8}to diagnose yourself
online.
90
00:03:23,175 --> 00:03:24,216
{\an8}You know what happens.
91
00:03:26,092 --> 00:03:27,882
Do my eyes look yellow
to you?
92
00:03:27,883 --> 00:03:29,425
{\an8}I feel like my liver
isn't working.
93
00:03:30,842 --> 00:03:33,757
My poop is floating.
94
00:03:33,758 --> 00:03:35,216
I'm pretty sure my pancreas
is shutting down.
95
00:03:35,217 --> 00:03:36,467
Take a look.
96
00:03:38,008 --> 00:03:39,341
{\an8}I smell burnt toast,
97
00:03:39,342 --> 00:03:40,341
{\an8}so I think I'm having a stroke.
98
00:03:40,342 --> 00:03:41,716
That's regular toast.
99
00:03:41,717 --> 00:03:42,925
I'm smelling stroke toast.
100
00:03:44,717 --> 00:03:46,132
I hear you,
101
00:03:46,133 --> 00:03:47,049
but let me Google my symptoms
just once.
102
00:03:47,050 --> 00:03:48,049
{\an8}I'll even take Bing.
103
00:03:48,050 --> 00:03:49,591
{\an8}Let me Bing my symptoms.
104
00:03:49,592 --> 00:03:51,132
{\an8}No Internet.
I'll be back as soon as I can.
105
00:03:51,133 --> 00:03:52,216
{\an8}And no matter what,
106
00:03:52,217 --> 00:03:54,091
{\an8}do not let them open
their presents.
107
00:04:04,592 --> 00:04:06,716
{\an8}I can't believe you have to lock
our presents up in your office
108
00:04:06,717 --> 00:04:08,257
{\an8}because you don't
trust us.
109
00:04:08,258 --> 00:04:09,383
{\an8}Is that where we're at,
Dad?
110
00:04:14,467 --> 00:04:16,049
{\an8}That's where I'm at.
111
00:04:16,050 --> 00:04:17,299
{\an8}I just want to make sure
that's where you were at, too.
112
00:04:17,300 --> 00:04:20,050
{\an8}Out. Out. Out!
113
00:04:21,842 --> 00:04:24,007
{\an8}No presents.
No boyfriend.
114
00:04:25,092 --> 00:04:27,549
{\an8}Being single on the holidays
is so hard.
115
00:04:27,550 --> 00:04:29,466
Some problems Santa
can't even fix.
116
00:04:29,467 --> 00:04:32,674
Reel it in, Adele.
I've got my own stuff.
117
00:04:32,675 --> 00:04:33,966
{\an8}I need to know
if I got those tickets
118
00:04:33,967 --> 00:04:36,341
{\an8}to "The Nutcracker."
Why?
119
00:04:36,342 --> 00:04:38,591
So you can take that girl
from your ballet class?
120
00:04:38,592 --> 00:04:39,674
Yes.
121
00:04:39,675 --> 00:04:41,716
Ooh, you like her?
122
00:04:41,717 --> 00:04:44,299
{\an8}I think I do.
Knock it off.
123
00:04:44,300 --> 00:04:45,758
{\an8}How am I supposed to tease you
when you're acting this way?
124
00:04:46,925 --> 00:04:48,091
Have you asked her yet?
125
00:04:51,383 --> 00:04:52,341
So, I was wondering--
126
00:04:52,342 --> 00:04:53,549
What?
127
00:04:57,633 --> 00:04:58,799
{\an8}I've got no game.
128
00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:00,299
{\an8}It's just so frustrating
129
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:01,799
{\an8}because I'm agile,
130
00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:04,632
I'm smart,
the face is working.
131
00:05:04,633 --> 00:05:05,507
Let me help you.
132
00:05:05,508 --> 00:05:07,174
Why would you do that?
133
00:05:07,175 --> 00:05:08,924
Because I have no love
this Christmas,
134
00:05:08,925 --> 00:05:11,132
but maybe with my guidance,
you can.
135
00:05:11,133 --> 00:05:13,174
Pretend I'm Gina.
Ask me out.
136
00:05:13,175 --> 00:05:15,882
Go sell "Flowers in the Attic"
someplace else.
137
00:05:15,883 --> 00:05:17,507
I'm just gonna tape the ticket
to her door
138
00:05:17,508 --> 00:05:19,091
and hope she shows up
to the performance.
139
00:05:19,092 --> 00:05:20,466
But first,
I need the tickets.
140
00:05:20,467 --> 00:05:21,799
I have an idea.
141
00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:23,882
We take a cobra,
put it under the door,
142
00:05:23,883 --> 00:05:27,132
Dad comes running out,
we go in and get the presents.
143
00:05:27,133 --> 00:05:28,507
Where are you
gonna get a cobra?
144
00:05:28,508 --> 00:05:30,716
I asked Santa for one,
and...
145
00:05:30,717 --> 00:05:32,632
Wait a second.
146
00:05:32,633 --> 00:05:34,299
That's not gonna work.
147
00:05:34,300 --> 00:05:36,841
The cobra's in one of the
presents in Dad's office.
148
00:05:36,842 --> 00:05:38,507
I feel stupid.
149
00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:50,132
This...
150
00:05:50,133 --> 00:05:51,591
is a hospital room?
151
00:05:51,592 --> 00:05:52,841
The deluxe suite.
152
00:05:52,842 --> 00:05:54,799
News flash--
rich people live better.
153
00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:56,424
Doris, my family's
waiting on me.
154
00:05:56,425 --> 00:05:57,757
When are Richard and the kids
getting here?
155
00:05:57,758 --> 00:05:59,424
Ugh.
Their flight's delayed.
156
00:05:59,425 --> 00:06:01,341
Angela's texting with him
for updates.
157
00:06:01,342 --> 00:06:03,216
Hi, Katie.
158
00:06:03,217 --> 00:06:04,966
Angela?
159
00:06:04,967 --> 00:06:07,091
Hi! How's Vermont?
160
00:06:07,092 --> 00:06:08,507
Well, it really would be great
161
00:06:08,508 --> 00:06:10,341
if I wasn't spending it
with my ex
162
00:06:10,342 --> 00:06:12,507
and her parents
who were already mad at me
163
00:06:12,508 --> 00:06:13,799
for "turning her gay."
164
00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:15,091
When I met her,
165
00:06:15,092 --> 00:06:16,882
she owned a pit bull named
Tracy Chapman--
166
00:06:16,883 --> 00:06:19,132
The seeds were planted.
I just watered them.
167
00:06:19,133 --> 00:06:21,382
Well, at least this Christmas
is gonna be exciting
168
00:06:21,383 --> 00:06:23,716
because Doris is
having a baby.
169
00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:26,507
No, I am not.
No Christmas baby.
170
00:06:26,508 --> 00:06:28,466
Christmas is my favorite day
out of the year,
171
00:06:28,467 --> 00:06:30,341
and I'm not gonna let this thing
spoil it.
172
00:06:30,342 --> 00:06:32,842
I ruin my kids' lives.
They don't ruin mine!
173
00:06:34,258 --> 00:06:36,299
I'm keeping this thing in
until midnight.
174
00:06:36,300 --> 00:06:38,216
Uh, if it's not healthy
to hold in your pee,
175
00:06:38,217 --> 00:06:40,049
I can't imagine it's healthy
to hold in a baby.
176
00:06:45,633 --> 00:06:49,049
Hey, honey.
I'm gonna be here for a while.
177
00:06:49,050 --> 00:06:50,799
No, no.
You need to come home right now.
178
00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:52,424
The kids are
driving me crazy.
179
00:06:52,425 --> 00:06:55,591
I can't come home yet.
Doris' family is delayed.
180
00:06:55,592 --> 00:06:57,049
What's that noise?
181
00:06:57,050 --> 00:06:58,591
Our children demanding
their presents.
182
00:06:58,592 --> 00:07:01,382
Dad! Anna-Kat fell down,
and she's bleeding!
183
00:07:01,383 --> 00:07:02,967
You need to come
out here now!
184
00:07:06,092 --> 00:07:07,967
Slide something under the door
with her blood on it.
185
00:07:10,008 --> 00:07:12,257
Anna-Kat:
Open the damn door, Greg!
186
00:07:12,258 --> 00:07:14,216
I'm seeing a very upsetting side
of our children.
187
00:07:14,217 --> 00:07:15,966
I'm gonna let them
open the presents.
No way.
188
00:07:15,967 --> 00:07:19,007
The family tradition is that
we open presents together--
189
00:07:19,008 --> 00:07:21,674
breakfast, fireplace,
speech, presents.
190
00:07:21,675 --> 00:07:24,007
That's really your tradition
that you grew up with.
191
00:07:24,008 --> 00:07:26,174
Maybe our new tradition
should be more "casual fun"
192
00:07:26,175 --> 00:07:27,632
and less "desperate
hostage situation."
193
00:07:27,633 --> 00:07:29,799
No. A desperate
hostage situation
194
00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:31,299
is what Christmas
is all about.
195
00:07:31,300 --> 00:07:34,091
Why do you think "Die Hard"
is a stone-cold classic?
196
00:07:34,092 --> 00:07:36,382
Well, what am I supposed to
do if we can't open our gifts
until we're all together?
197
00:07:36,383 --> 00:07:38,716
Figure it out!
198
00:07:46,425 --> 00:07:48,257
Oh, look at all
those presents.
199
00:07:48,258 --> 00:07:49,632
The pediatric ward
is this way.
200
00:07:49,633 --> 00:07:51,924
Oh. No.
201
00:07:51,925 --> 00:07:53,175
These are for us.
202
00:07:54,592 --> 00:07:56,008
Let's go.
203
00:08:07,883 --> 00:08:09,841
Doris,
if poor people found out
204
00:08:09,842 --> 00:08:11,341
that this is how
the 1% give birth,
205
00:08:11,342 --> 00:08:13,424
they would drown you
in your own cucumber water.
206
00:08:13,425 --> 00:08:14,549
You may be right,
207
00:08:14,550 --> 00:08:16,216
but one of the benefits
of being in the 1%
208
00:08:16,217 --> 00:08:18,091
is we don't care.
209
00:08:19,258 --> 00:08:21,507
- Whoa.
- Hi, Mama.
210
00:08:21,508 --> 00:08:23,216
What are you guys
doing here?
211
00:08:23,217 --> 00:08:25,466
You told me to figure it out,
so here we are,
212
00:08:25,467 --> 00:08:27,966
all together,
Christmas tradition intact.
213
00:08:27,967 --> 00:08:29,216
Greg, this is not
the tradition.
214
00:08:29,217 --> 00:08:31,049
The tradition is,
we open our presents
215
00:08:31,050 --> 00:08:32,507
in front of the fireplace.
216
00:08:32,508 --> 00:08:33,591
There's a fireplace.
217
00:08:33,592 --> 00:08:35,174
What? Where?
218
00:08:35,175 --> 00:08:37,966
In the parlor. Taylor.
219
00:08:39,175 --> 00:08:40,758
Whoa.
220
00:08:45,925 --> 00:08:48,341
I like the way
ya live, lady.
221
00:08:54,925 --> 00:08:56,591
Okay.
It's Christmas.
222
00:08:56,592 --> 00:08:57,716
And we're all together.
223
00:08:57,717 --> 00:08:59,632
And there's a fireplace.
224
00:08:59,633 --> 00:09:01,507
Check, check, check.
225
00:09:01,508 --> 00:09:02,550
But we don't have
breakfast.
226
00:09:04,050 --> 00:09:05,674
You can just order
room service.
227
00:09:05,675 --> 00:09:08,091
We're not having hospital food
for Christmas breakfast.
228
00:09:08,092 --> 00:09:10,716
A nice breakfast--
that's our tradition.
229
00:09:10,717 --> 00:09:12,424
Nurse, what are
the specials?
230
00:09:12,425 --> 00:09:14,924
Today, we have caviar
on homemade blinis
231
00:09:14,925 --> 00:09:16,132
with a dollop
of crème fraîche
232
00:09:16,133 --> 00:09:18,716
or poached wild salmon
with hollandaise
233
00:09:18,717 --> 00:09:20,299
and ricotta avocado
crostini cups.
234
00:09:20,300 --> 00:09:23,174
Enough.
Who wants to eat that slop?
235
00:09:23,175 --> 00:09:26,132
All right, Mom.
Now you're just making excuses.
236
00:09:26,133 --> 00:09:28,632
This is the nicest Christmas
we've ever had.
237
00:09:28,633 --> 00:09:30,091
It's a nicer room.
238
00:09:30,092 --> 00:09:31,799
It's better food.
239
00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:32,966
We have our own
waitress.
240
00:09:32,967 --> 00:09:35,091
Oh, I'm not a waitress.
I'm a nurse.
241
00:09:35,092 --> 00:09:36,549
Okay.
242
00:09:36,550 --> 00:09:38,174
Oh! You're a nurse.
Could you look at my hands?
243
00:09:38,175 --> 00:09:39,424
I think they're
getting bluer.
244
00:09:40,633 --> 00:09:42,341
Okay, I'm gonna need everyone
to step out now.
245
00:09:42,342 --> 00:09:44,132
You heard her.
Everyone out.
246
00:09:44,133 --> 00:09:45,007
Your presents are
gonna have to wait.
247
00:09:45,008 --> 00:09:46,966
And, Greg,
your hands are fine.
248
00:09:46,967 --> 00:09:49,383
Doris has an actual
medical emergency.
249
00:09:50,633 --> 00:09:52,757
Hey, is something wrong?
What's that thing beeping for?
250
00:09:52,758 --> 00:09:54,216
Everything's okay.
251
00:09:54,217 --> 00:09:55,966
Someone just unplugged
your fetal monitor
252
00:09:55,967 --> 00:09:57,549
and the backup battery
ran low.
253
00:09:57,550 --> 00:09:59,674
Oh. Sorry, my bad.
254
00:09:59,675 --> 00:10:01,049
I was gonna charge
my phone.
255
00:10:03,467 --> 00:10:04,716
Maybe Mom's right.
256
00:10:04,717 --> 00:10:06,132
Maybe I'm just
making myself crazy.
257
00:10:06,133 --> 00:10:08,466
Al Capone thought
he was going crazy,
258
00:10:08,467 --> 00:10:11,507
but in reality,
it was the syphilitic dementia.
259
00:10:12,633 --> 00:10:14,091
You know, if you want
to ask Gina out,
260
00:10:14,092 --> 00:10:16,091
you should practice first
by asking someone else out.
261
00:10:16,092 --> 00:10:17,257
Who?
262
00:10:17,258 --> 00:10:19,007
Anyone.
263
00:10:19,008 --> 00:10:20,466
How about her?
264
00:10:20,467 --> 00:10:21,882
Are you nuts?
265
00:10:21,883 --> 00:10:23,299
She's like 80.
266
00:10:23,300 --> 00:10:25,216
It's not like
she's gonna go out with you.
267
00:10:25,217 --> 00:10:26,799
It's just practice
getting the words out.
268
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:29,882
Just go up there, be charming,
make her laugh.
269
00:10:29,883 --> 00:10:32,549
Eyo and I used to laugh
all the time.
270
00:10:32,550 --> 00:10:34,132
Maybe we were meant
to be together,
271
00:10:34,133 --> 00:10:35,799
and I just threw it
all away.
272
00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:37,549
Maybe he's my soul mate,
and I--
273
00:10:37,550 --> 00:10:38,966
All right. All right.
You win.
274
00:10:38,967 --> 00:10:40,466
I can't listen to this.
275
00:10:40,467 --> 00:10:42,425
I'm gonna take a run
at the granny in the gift shop.
276
00:10:52,508 --> 00:10:56,174
Hi. Um...
277
00:10:56,175 --> 00:10:58,716
If you don't have
anything to do,
278
00:10:58,717 --> 00:11:02,091
would you like to...
279
00:11:02,092 --> 00:11:03,841
sell me this license-plate
key chain?
280
00:11:03,842 --> 00:11:06,424
Sure...
281
00:11:06,425 --> 00:11:07,592
Larry.
282
00:11:08,967 --> 00:11:10,299
So?
283
00:11:10,300 --> 00:11:11,716
Great advice.
284
00:11:11,717 --> 00:11:14,132
My confidence
is officially in the toilet.
285
00:11:14,133 --> 00:11:17,716
And I just spent like $8
on a license-plate key chain.
286
00:11:17,717 --> 00:11:20,091
Eyo's car had
a license plate.
287
00:11:20,092 --> 00:11:23,091
Hey,
there's Andrew Wages.
288
00:11:23,092 --> 00:11:25,758
We do Revolutionary War
reenactments together.
289
00:11:27,133 --> 00:11:29,799
I'm gonna go say hi.
290
00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:31,549
Hey, Andrew.
Merry Christmas.
291
00:11:31,550 --> 00:11:33,174
Oh. Hey, Greg.
292
00:11:33,175 --> 00:11:34,757
Bummer you have to work
on Christmas.
293
00:11:34,758 --> 00:11:36,799
Ah, now you think
I'm a terrible doctor.
294
00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:38,382
Well, I'm not.
295
00:11:38,383 --> 00:11:41,299
I just refuse to play
their political games!
296
00:11:42,883 --> 00:11:44,091
Hey, what's going on
with your hands?
297
00:11:44,092 --> 00:11:45,091
Right?
298
00:11:45,092 --> 00:11:46,216
Yeah.
They're bluish gray.
299
00:11:46,217 --> 00:11:47,424
That's what
I've been saying!
300
00:11:47,425 --> 00:11:49,049
You know,
that could be serious.
301
00:11:49,050 --> 00:11:50,674
I knew it could
be serious!
302
00:11:50,675 --> 00:11:52,549
Wait.
It could be serious?
303
00:11:54,800 --> 00:11:56,966
It's all right.
Just breathe.
304
00:11:56,967 --> 00:11:58,382
You're having
another contraction.
305
00:11:58,383 --> 00:12:01,591
It's not just the contractions.
I'm having a fourth child.
306
00:12:01,592 --> 00:12:03,382
I told this thing not
to come out until tomorrow,
307
00:12:03,383 --> 00:12:05,341
and the son of a bitch
is already not listening to me.
308
00:12:05,342 --> 00:12:07,466
Uh, do you realize
in that scenario,
309
00:12:07,467 --> 00:12:08,674
you just called yourself
a bitch?
310
00:12:08,675 --> 00:12:10,091
Shut up, laptop.
311
00:12:10,092 --> 00:12:12,174
What am I doing having
another child?
312
00:12:12,175 --> 00:12:13,841
I haven't done a very good job
with my first three.
313
00:12:13,842 --> 00:12:15,424
You have done a great job.
314
00:12:15,425 --> 00:12:16,632
My kids hate me.
315
00:12:16,633 --> 00:12:18,382
That's true.
I take back what I just said.
316
00:12:18,383 --> 00:12:20,341
It's 'cause you tiger-mom
the hell out of them.
317
00:12:20,342 --> 00:12:22,132
Think of baby number four
as an opportunity
318
00:12:22,133 --> 00:12:23,466
to do things differently.
319
00:12:23,467 --> 00:12:26,174
You mean I could, like...
validate its feelings,
320
00:12:26,175 --> 00:12:27,549
even if they're stupid?
321
00:12:27,550 --> 00:12:29,217
Yes.
That's pretty much the job.
322
00:12:30,592 --> 00:12:33,091
We wanted to see
if Doris was okay.
323
00:12:33,092 --> 00:12:34,466
You guys are so sweet.
324
00:12:34,467 --> 00:12:38,091
Yes, she and the baby
are perfectly fine.
325
00:12:38,092 --> 00:12:39,675
Presents!
326
00:12:42,050 --> 00:12:43,882
Okay.
327
00:12:43,883 --> 00:12:45,674
We got the breakfast.
328
00:12:45,675 --> 00:12:47,507
We got the fireplace.
329
00:12:47,508 --> 00:12:49,757
We're all together,
so we can open some--
330
00:12:49,758 --> 00:12:51,382
Hang on.
I don't see your dad.
331
00:12:51,383 --> 00:12:53,882
Oh, Dr. Wages took him
for some blood tests.
332
00:12:53,883 --> 00:12:55,674
What?
That's not possible.
333
00:12:55,675 --> 00:12:58,007
He would've texted me.
334
00:12:58,008 --> 00:12:59,382
Oh.
335
00:13:02,883 --> 00:13:03,966
Frankly, I can't believe
336
00:13:03,967 --> 00:13:05,341
you ignored your symptoms
for so long.
337
00:13:06,883 --> 00:13:08,257
Katie, don't
blame yourself,
338
00:13:08,258 --> 00:13:10,007
although that would be the
natural place for you to go.
339
00:13:10,008 --> 00:13:12,341
What do you think it is,
Dr. Wages?
340
00:13:12,342 --> 00:13:13,716
Well, I can't be certain,
341
00:13:13,717 --> 00:13:16,341
but some of the symptoms
are consistent with gangrene.
342
00:13:16,342 --> 00:13:17,549
Are you serious?
343
00:13:17,550 --> 00:13:18,841
Deadly.
344
00:13:18,842 --> 00:13:21,091
It's deadly?
Oh. No. No, sorry.
345
00:13:21,092 --> 00:13:23,216
I just mean I'm really,
really serious.
346
00:13:23,217 --> 00:13:24,507
You're not the first one
to be confused.
347
00:13:24,508 --> 00:13:26,507
Really got to stop
doing that.
Mm-hmm.
348
00:13:26,508 --> 00:13:28,424
Amputation is
a far greater risk.
349
00:13:28,425 --> 00:13:30,467
I concur.
350
00:13:31,925 --> 00:13:34,049
My last Christmas
with hands.
351
00:13:40,592 --> 00:13:41,882
Look on the bright side--
352
00:13:41,883 --> 00:13:43,257
maybe you'll get hooks
for hands.
353
00:13:43,258 --> 00:13:44,882
That'd be cool.
354
00:13:44,883 --> 00:13:46,841
Plus my friend, Dahlia,
might finally shut up
355
00:13:46,842 --> 00:13:48,717
about her dad's
glass eye.
356
00:13:50,383 --> 00:13:52,757
I don't want to have
hooks for hands.
357
00:13:52,758 --> 00:13:55,383
Why don't you guys go wait
with Anna-Kat in the hall?
358
00:13:57,467 --> 00:14:01,382
Sweetheart, stay calm.
You are not losing anything.
359
00:14:01,383 --> 00:14:03,007
Your friend Doris says
she needs you right away.
360
00:14:03,008 --> 00:14:04,757
Don't worry.
361
00:14:04,758 --> 00:14:06,716
I'm gonna go explain
the situation to Doris
and be right back.
362
00:14:06,717 --> 00:14:08,924
But you won't be alone.
363
00:14:08,925 --> 00:14:10,757
Hold on to Angela.
364
00:14:10,758 --> 00:14:12,008
Maybe for the last time.
365
00:14:13,092 --> 00:14:15,008
Hurry back, Katie.
366
00:14:16,175 --> 00:14:18,132
Is Dad gonna be okay?
367
00:14:18,133 --> 00:14:19,841
We're still waiting
on the tests,
368
00:14:19,842 --> 00:14:21,382
but I don't want you guys
to worry.
369
00:14:21,383 --> 00:14:23,132
Yeah, but if they have
to take the hands,
370
00:14:23,133 --> 00:14:24,591
could they replace them
with, like,
371
00:14:24,592 --> 00:14:25,925
Go-Go-Gadget Hands?
372
00:14:27,300 --> 00:14:29,882
Like a whisk
and an umbrella
373
00:14:29,883 --> 00:14:32,007
so he can make pancakes
in the rain.
374
00:14:32,008 --> 00:14:34,174
That's an excellent
silver lining.
375
00:14:34,175 --> 00:14:35,717
I'll be right back.
376
00:14:37,508 --> 00:14:38,799
Poor Dad.
377
00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:40,882
Life can change
in an instant.
378
00:14:40,883 --> 00:14:42,382
I don't want to live
with regrets.
379
00:14:42,383 --> 00:14:44,007
Me neither.
380
00:14:44,008 --> 00:14:46,466
I'm gonna call Eyo
and get back together.
381
00:14:46,467 --> 00:14:49,882
And I'm gonna go ask out
that for-sure-plays-ukulele lady
382
00:14:49,883 --> 00:14:51,049
who works
in the gift shop.
383
00:14:52,342 --> 00:14:54,382
You seem better.
384
00:14:54,383 --> 00:14:56,007
Did your drugs kick in?
385
00:14:56,008 --> 00:14:57,049
Totally.
386
00:14:57,050 --> 00:15:00,007
And now I see things
so much clearer.
387
00:15:00,008 --> 00:15:03,299
So I may have made a few
mistakes with my first three.
388
00:15:03,300 --> 00:15:05,174
I'm gonna do better
with this one.
389
00:15:05,175 --> 00:15:07,216
I'm taking a do-over.
390
00:15:07,217 --> 00:15:08,841
That's great, Doris.
391
00:15:08,842 --> 00:15:12,632
Now it's time to unclench
and let nature take its course.
392
00:15:12,633 --> 00:15:15,174
You're right.
I love my Christmas baby.
393
00:15:15,175 --> 00:15:16,841
And I love these drugs.
394
00:15:16,842 --> 00:15:18,216
I'm glad
you're in a good place,
395
00:15:18,217 --> 00:15:20,132
because I've been
neglecting my family,
396
00:15:20,133 --> 00:15:21,299
and I need to get
back to Greg.
397
00:15:21,300 --> 00:15:23,174
Oh, no. No, no.
Katie, don't go.
398
00:15:23,175 --> 00:15:25,591
Suck some of this stuff
out of my I.V.
399
00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:27,007
and come on this ride
with me.
400
00:15:27,008 --> 00:15:28,799
Got to go.
Next baby!
401
00:15:35,425 --> 00:15:37,882
Hi. I'm back.
402
00:15:37,883 --> 00:15:39,674
Seeing as it's Christmas
and all,
403
00:15:39,675 --> 00:15:41,883
I'd like to know
if you'd...
404
00:15:45,550 --> 00:15:46,842
...sell me
this key chain.
405
00:15:48,425 --> 00:15:50,299
That'll be $8...
406
00:15:50,300 --> 00:15:51,592
Jerome.
407
00:16:11,133 --> 00:16:13,924
Would you like to see
"The Nutcracker" tomorrow night?
408
00:16:13,925 --> 00:16:16,924
I have two tickets.
409
00:16:16,925 --> 00:16:18,716
I'd love to see
"The Nutcracker."
Yes!
410
00:16:18,717 --> 00:16:21,591
My mom died this year,
and my sister and I
411
00:16:21,592 --> 00:16:23,466
used to go see "The Nutcracker"
with her every Christmas.
412
00:16:23,467 --> 00:16:24,549
Oh, wait.
The thing is--
413
00:16:24,550 --> 00:16:25,924
We weren't planning to go
this year,
414
00:16:25,925 --> 00:16:28,507
but then you come in
with two free tickets.
No.
415
00:16:28,508 --> 00:16:29,507
You don't understand.
416
00:16:29,508 --> 00:16:31,049
It was my sister's idea
to ask you.
417
00:16:31,050 --> 00:16:32,841
Then you're both angels.
418
00:16:32,842 --> 00:16:34,632
It's like my mom sent you
to me--
419
00:16:34,633 --> 00:16:37,050
two little
Christmas angels.
420
00:16:38,550 --> 00:16:40,507
Maybe I won't turn back to drugs
after all.
421
00:16:40,508 --> 00:16:41,757
I got to go.
422
00:16:43,592 --> 00:16:46,049
Ooh!
I'm gonna Google your symptoms.
423
00:16:46,050 --> 00:16:47,507
Katie said no checking
the Internet.
424
00:16:47,508 --> 00:16:50,299
She said it to you, not to me.
425
00:16:50,300 --> 00:16:52,174
There's a whole chat room
of people
426
00:16:52,175 --> 00:16:54,007
whose hands turned blue.
427
00:16:54,008 --> 00:16:56,216
Ooh, you got to love
the Internet.
428
00:16:56,217 --> 00:16:57,799
You know, the other day
my zipper got stuck,
429
00:16:57,800 --> 00:16:59,174
and I couldn't figure out
how to get it loose.
430
00:16:59,175 --> 00:17:01,841
Turns out, you can use
a crayon, Greg.
431
00:17:01,842 --> 00:17:03,716
A crayon!
432
00:17:03,717 --> 00:17:06,882
Mm.
But you might lose your hands.
433
00:17:06,883 --> 00:17:07,674
Let's focus on that.
434
00:17:10,883 --> 00:17:12,216
How'd it go?
435
00:17:12,217 --> 00:17:13,549
In the following order,
I think it went
436
00:17:13,550 --> 00:17:17,257
awkward, thrilling,
strange, sad,
437
00:17:17,258 --> 00:17:18,674
and then
purely uncomfortable.
438
00:17:18,675 --> 00:17:20,049
But you asked her out?
439
00:17:20,050 --> 00:17:23,132
Hmm. Yeah.
I guess I did.
440
00:17:23,133 --> 00:17:24,341
You call Eyo?
441
00:17:24,342 --> 00:17:26,591
Yep, and as soon
as I heard his voice,
442
00:17:26,592 --> 00:17:28,632
I realized breaking up
was the right decision,
443
00:17:28,633 --> 00:17:30,007
and I'm standing by it.
444
00:17:30,008 --> 00:17:32,007
Also, he's dating
Bruce Westfield,
445
00:17:32,008 --> 00:17:33,507
the co-captain
of the water polo team,
446
00:17:33,508 --> 00:17:35,257
so that helped.
447
00:17:37,008 --> 00:17:38,632
Did you buy any new pants
recently?
448
00:17:38,633 --> 00:17:41,966
I bought some jeans,
back when framing my thighs
449
00:17:41,967 --> 00:17:43,507
seemed like
such an important thing.
450
00:17:43,508 --> 00:17:45,007
No. Listen.
451
00:17:45,008 --> 00:17:46,966
Find some rubbing alcohol
and rub it on your hands.
452
00:17:46,967 --> 00:17:50,049
I don't think alcohol
is...
453
00:17:50,050 --> 00:17:50,925
gonna...
454
00:17:54,342 --> 00:17:55,591
Oh, my God.
455
00:17:55,592 --> 00:17:57,007
The blue is coming off!
456
00:17:57,008 --> 00:17:58,799
It's your new pants!
It's a thing.
457
00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:00,091
There's a guy that
figured out
458
00:18:00,092 --> 00:18:01,466
he was rubbing his hands
on his new jeans,
459
00:18:01,467 --> 00:18:02,841
and the blue dye
was coming off.
460
00:18:02,842 --> 00:18:04,341
Look at that.
461
00:18:04,342 --> 00:18:06,091
My hands were tingling
from the carpal tunnel.
462
00:18:06,092 --> 00:18:07,591
I must have rubbed them
on my pants--
463
00:18:07,592 --> 00:18:09,507
Oh, no. Katie's gonna think
I'm an idiot.
464
00:18:09,508 --> 00:18:10,966
At least you're not
gonna lose your hands.
465
00:18:12,217 --> 00:18:14,132
How are you doing?
466
00:18:14,133 --> 00:18:15,341
There's something
you should know.
467
00:18:15,342 --> 00:18:17,132
No, there's something
you should know.
468
00:18:17,133 --> 00:18:19,507
I am sorry that
I didn't listen to you
469
00:18:19,508 --> 00:18:21,007
when you said
something was wrong.
470
00:18:21,008 --> 00:18:23,382
I-It's okay, Katie.
You should know that I-I--
471
00:18:23,383 --> 00:18:26,424
No. You were suffering,
and I just brushed it off.
472
00:18:26,425 --> 00:18:29,132
I'm gonna change, Greg.
473
00:18:29,133 --> 00:18:30,716
I'm gonna be better.
474
00:18:30,717 --> 00:18:32,091
From now on,
475
00:18:32,092 --> 00:18:34,507
I'm gonna be the wife
that you need me to be.
476
00:18:34,508 --> 00:18:36,133
Katie...
477
00:18:38,550 --> 00:18:39,716
...that sounds great.
478
00:18:39,717 --> 00:18:41,299
Uh, aren't you
gonna tell her--
479
00:18:41,300 --> 00:18:43,424
I'm sure with your unconditional
love and support,
480
00:18:43,425 --> 00:18:44,966
this thing will just go away
on its own.
481
00:18:44,967 --> 00:18:46,424
I should have been there
for you,
482
00:18:46,425 --> 00:18:48,216
but I was more focused
on Doris
483
00:18:48,217 --> 00:18:49,966
and my stupid
Christmas traditions.
484
00:18:49,967 --> 00:18:51,257
It's not stupid.
485
00:18:51,258 --> 00:18:52,757
Annoying, certainly.
486
00:18:52,758 --> 00:18:54,882
Inflexible, yes.
487
00:18:54,883 --> 00:18:56,424
It's just what we used to do
when I was a kid.
488
00:18:56,425 --> 00:18:59,174
Growing up, my mom always
traveled for work,
489
00:18:59,175 --> 00:19:01,799
but the only time that we could
depend on her to be home
490
00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:03,966
was on Christmas Day.
491
00:19:03,967 --> 00:19:07,591
That's why these traditions
are so important to me.
492
00:19:07,592 --> 00:19:09,757
Sweetie, we don't need
traditions to keep
our family together.
493
00:19:09,758 --> 00:19:11,257
We're always together.
494
00:19:11,258 --> 00:19:13,549
I'm not going anywhere.
The kids aren't going anywhere.
495
00:19:13,550 --> 00:19:15,674
And my hands...
496
00:19:15,675 --> 00:19:17,007
aren't going anywhere.
497
00:19:17,008 --> 00:19:18,591
What?
498
00:19:18,592 --> 00:19:20,841
It was my pants.
499
00:19:20,842 --> 00:19:22,299
I
My carpal tunnel
500
00:19:22,300 --> 00:19:24,382
was making me rub my hands
on my new jeans,
501
00:19:24,383 --> 00:19:27,174
and the dye turned
my hands blue, so...
502
00:19:27,175 --> 00:19:28,466
Wait.
503
00:19:28,467 --> 00:19:30,716
So, you're okay?
It was nothing?
504
00:19:30,717 --> 00:19:34,008
I know what you're thinking--
It's a Christmas miracle.
505
00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:42,758
Go take care
of your friend.
506
00:19:47,425 --> 00:19:50,424
Don't you ever flip me down
again, Greg.
507
00:19:54,008 --> 00:19:56,674
Who's Mommy's do-over baby?
You are.
508
00:19:56,675 --> 00:19:58,466
I'm gonna spoil you,
509
00:19:58,467 --> 00:20:00,882
and it's gonna drive a wedge
between you and your siblings.
510
00:20:00,883 --> 00:20:03,132
Yes, it will.
511
00:20:03,133 --> 00:20:05,424
Thanks for being there
for me.
512
00:20:05,425 --> 00:20:07,257
Now go find your family.
513
00:20:07,258 --> 00:20:08,549
Nah.
514
00:20:08,550 --> 00:20:10,466
I already sent them home
to open presents.
515
00:20:10,467 --> 00:20:13,132
I was driving
everyone crazy.
516
00:20:13,133 --> 00:20:15,092
You should learn to be
a good mom like me.
517
00:20:17,258 --> 00:20:18,757
Merry Christmas!
518
00:20:24,675 --> 00:20:26,049
Go for it.
519
00:20:26,050 --> 00:20:27,424
Presents!
520
00:20:34,383 --> 00:20:35,883
I hope you and your sister
have a nice time.
521
00:20:38,842 --> 00:20:41,091
{\an8}Thank you...
522
00:20:41,092 --> 00:20:42,050
{\an8}Larry Jerome.
523
00:20:48,550 --> 00:20:49,924
{\an8}So, I was wondering...
524
00:20:49,925 --> 00:20:51,507
{\an8}What?
525
00:20:51,508 --> 00:20:53,966
{\an8}Would you like to go out
some time?
526
00:20:53,967 --> 00:20:55,882
{\an8}Where?
527
00:20:55,883 --> 00:20:57,216
{\an8}I don't know.
528
00:20:57,217 --> 00:20:59,424
{\an8}Okay.
38273
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