Original subtitles

Did you fold all of this? Yep.

It's dirty, but thank you.

Ugh. There were so many undies in it.

Ugh.

You seem relaxed.

Must be feeling good about your presentation

for the Spring Gala. It's no biggie.

I just have to pitch them the theme.

Which is?

Um...

The presentation is today and you don't have a theme?

Of course I do.

Water...

blankets...

Are you just looking around the kitchen,

calling out objects.

No.

Dirt.

Sand.

Beach blanket bingo!

In your face!

Why is it in my face? Okay, picture this.

Everyone on giant beach towels,

we have a picnic, and we drink that stupid pink wine.

Maybe steel drums...

Rinka-tink-tink-tink.

Tink.

Huh. That's actually a good idea, honey.

That's actually a terrible idea, honey.

The Spring Gala is a fundraiser, not a hoedown.

The whole thing is about raising money.

You want people to open their pockets.

You can take the girl out of Florida...

Oh, great. I was hoping

for a smart-ass 13 year old's opinion.

At your service.

You need a theme to get people spending.

Something that says "class," "decadence," "money."

Mine will have class.

I'm gonna rename the bathrooms "cabanas."

Stop.

It needs to be opulent.

Like a "Great Gatsby" party. Or, uh, Bollywood.

Nothing says "Write a big check"

like an elephant cloaked in velvet,

or a one-twelfth scale Taj Mahal made out of white chocolate.

You know what's easier?

Buying a bunch of blankets.

I'm doing this my way.

But--

Oh, my God.

Yeah, blankets. Can't miss.

I have the perfect theme for your Gala, Mama.

"Let's get a dog!"

In case I haven't been clear,

we are never, ever getting a dog, ever.

It's like having another kid, except it sheds

and digs tampons out of the trash.

Fine.

Thanks for the backup, Franklin.

Where was that "Great thinking, Anna-Kat"

that we talked about?

What's a tampon?

I'm not Google, Franklin.

Hey, guys. My boyfriend's here.

Please don't embarrass me. Hey, Eyo.

♪ Eyoooooo, Eyooooo ♪

Or just ignore me.

Quite a set of pipes, Mr. Otto!

What are you guys up to?

Taylor and I are gonna do some English homework.

Great. And, Taylor, remember,

don't copy word-for-word.

Mix it up a little bit.

I almost killed myself

on that big box by the door!

It's here!

Eyo, give me a hand.

Dad, get friends.

She's joking. I've got, like, so many friends.

I thought I smelled kale.

What do you want, Tara?

Just making sure everything's safe

in this lawless house.

I trust you have a vegan lunch option for Eyo.

We're vegan now. Tara, you're already the worst.

Stop trying so hard.

Okay, coming through.

Oh.

Here we go.

Oh!

Okay, good. That needed to be broken.

So did the piano.

And your shoe.

Your shoe just fell off.

And if you could dent the door on your way out,

that'd be great.

Yeah, one second.

Who are you talking to?

It's Nunya.

Who's that?

Nunya business.

One of these days, I'm gonna realize

that "nunya" isn't a person.

So, have you picked out your theme yet for the Spring Gala?

Because I have a suggestion.

Call it, "Katie" colon "The Great Failure" comma

"Everyone Saw it Coming" dash dash "She Sucks."

I got it covered, Tara.

I'm thinking "Beef Jerky,"

"The Final Frontier" or "Mmm, Meat."

I'm leaving.

Call or text or e-mail

or post on Facebook if Eyo needs anything.

Here's his EpiPen and some toilet seat covers.

You send toilet seat covers with him everywhere he goes?

No.

Good slam, Tara. Here's mine.

While I've got you here, I wonder if you might

put in a good word with Taylor about college.

Sure. Probably would have come up anyway.

School's the best!

Thanks. Great talk.

Sorry we're standing closer than I expected.

Hi, Mrs. Otto. How are you?

Saw you three minutes ago.

Hey, you with the box, is this our next fight?

You're gonna love it. It's a roasting box.

You can cook a whole pig in here.

I saw one on Anthony Bourdain's show.

He was in Guatemala cooking with the locals.

He was wearing a tank top.

Oh, Greg, would you please,

for me, watch something with dragons?

Once I fire this up, you're gonna realize

we need a Caja China roasting box.

No. I need to change our Amazon password. Think about it.

We could finally have a barbecue for all our friends.

So...

Angela and Doris?

How long does it take to cook a pig? Just half a day.

As long as I constantly monitor it, stoke the coals,

and make sure the temperature remains exactly correct.

We both know that this is going to end

with Anna-Kat forcing us to have a funeral

for a partially-cooked pig carcass,

and I can't fit into my funeral dress right now.

I don't need this, Greg. Yeah, but--

I'm afraid I have to shut this down.

But-- I'm shutting it down.

You're probably right.

I don't really have the arms for a tank top anyway.

"No, honey, you definitely have the arms for a tank top."

Well, I think it could be fun.

It's a bad idea, Franklin.

It's a hard "no." Discussion's over.

But--

I said over.

I guess you're right.

Anna-Kat, can we talk to you in my office?

Uh-oh.

Franklin, this might be a while.

If you still need to go number two,

here's your window.

Your parents like me?

Let's see who you've been talking to. Hey!

Alice McCarthy?!

I thought she dumped you!

Are you crazy?

Alice McCarthy?

Yeah, I thought he stopped picking up

what she was putting down.

Did I say that right?

Yeah.

Do I have to be here for this? Sit.

You were very rude to Franklin.

But I didn't like his idea.

You can't shut people down like that.

Where did you get that from?

Why are you looking at me?

If you keep rejecting people's ideas,

they won't be your friend.

That's true, honey. It's important that we support

the people we care about. Okay?

Okay. So, for instance,

if Franklin loved Anthony Bourdain

and wanted to throw a pig roast...

Oh, that's why you were looking at me.

...what would you say to him?

I'd say, "Weird, Franklin,

but it sounds like a great idea"?

Right. And what would you say, Katie?

I would be forced to say,

"That sounds like a great idea," too.

So, it's settled. We're gonna have a barbecue

for all our friends!

So...

Angela and Doris?

You know, you can roast 18 whole chickens in here?

18? Oh, thank God.

I was worried what would happen if we had to cook

17 more than usual.

You know, Katie,

this is where Anna-Kat gets it from.

She sees you shutting down my ideas

and does the same thing to poor, defenseless Franklin.

Yeah, but she also has my winning smile.

Ding. I'm serious.

You need to just say "okay" to me sometimes, like I do for you.

I say "okay" to you all the time.

Yeah, but that's because my ideas are always good.

Really?

Pull that thing off the steering wheel.

It's driving me crazy.

Okay.

It wasn't funny.

I know. I know.

It was just the look on your face when it hit you.

I'm sorry.

I'm just saying it wouldn't hurt if, once in a while,

you supported me the way that I support you.

Fine, I'll okay this, but-- No. No.

No "Okay, buts." Just, "Okay."

Ohh-kaaay. You know what?

You can't say it like that. Not sing-songy.

Sorry. This is new to me.

It's very hard to suppress my natural critical instincts.

But fine.

I'm saying...

okay.

Thank you.

Now, do you want to practice your presentation

for the Spring Gala? Eh. I'll just wing it.

The school takes these events very seriously.

Maybe winging it isn't the best idea.

Hey, if I can't second-guess your pig coffin,

there's no way you're allowed to second-guess me on this.

Ohh-kaaay.

Yeah, I can see how that's annoying.

Mm.

But it's not so easy being supportive of him.

And I don't have a good supportive smile.

It looks like there's a gun to my head

and I'm trying to convince the police

that there's not an intruder inside.

What you need is one of these.

It's a complaint bracelet.

I read about it in Good Housekeeping.

Every time you want to scream at your husband

for some boneheaded idea...

...you snap it...

so you don't snap at him for buying

thousands of dollars of movie memorabilia.

Does that work?

He's a pain in the ass and I'm a living nightmare--

still married!

I love it.

I gotta get one. Oh, take mine.

I get a new shipment every week.

Mm. Maybe it'll also help you deal with the Spring Gala.

I am not one of those uptight moms.

It is a party, and it's six months away.

I'm not gonna let these people drive me crazy.

That's what last year's Spring Gala chairwoman,

Stacy Clouser, said.

Then she had a nervous breakdown,

had to move in with her parents

and now isn't allowed to have stuffed animals.

Because she eats them.

That's not gonna happen to me.

Okay, and now you're being annoying.

Which reminds me of Greg.

Which reminds me...

You're the guests of honor at Greg's barbecue.

And by "honor"

I mean you're the only guests.

All right, it's all set. Now I just need the pig.

Okay, sounds great.

Why are you allowing this? What does he have on you?

Your dad asked if we could throw a barbecue,

and I said... okay.

See? It's important to be supportive

of your friends' ideas.

Then we should be supportive of my idea to get a dog.

I'm not your friend. I'm your mother.

We'll be friends when you're old enough to drink.

Ooh, Alice. I got to take this.

Go for Oliver.

Unh-unh!

What have you done?! She's bad news.

She broke your heart when she chose that

hunky Kurt Brockwell over you.

Kurt Brockwell's 14.

Might be 15 now.

We all know what she did.

But she's the perfect balance of hot and rich.

If she wants me back, I'm crawling back!

Dad, help me out here.

Sorry, buddy, not this time.

We Otto men have a long, proud history of being wusses

and rolling over for our women, but that ends now.

It does? Yes. Today we make a stand.

We roast pigs in boxes, even though it's been questioned

every step of the way.

And we don't take calls from girls

who've broken our hearts--

Can we let the call go to voicemail

and listen to their sweet voices whenever we want?

No. That's creepy.

It's time for the Otto men to break

the wuss chains and man up!

Are you with me?!

I'm with you! Let's go get that pig!

Great. Now grab your sweater!

Yes! It gets breezy in the late afternoon!

High school's great,

but I can't wait to get to college.

You know, you get to be on your own--

Did my dad put you up to this?

Well, yeah, but he's not wrong.

College is where you get to focus on

what you're passionate about.

For me, it's about becoming an anesthesiologist.

That's your passion? To be an anesthesiologist?

That and finally trying bologna.

Anesthesiology is what your mom wants you to do.

You should do something that you care about.

Like this! You're always drawing these cartoons.

They're not cartoons. It's called manga.

It's a Japanese form of comic books.

Okay, whatever it's called, you clearly love it.

This is what you should do with your life.

Is this a cat wearing a bra?

Yeah, he solves crimes.

Hey.

Greg Otto.

I'm here to pick up the pig we ordered

so we can cook it like, you know... men.

I got you all set up.

One second.

Hey, Alice.

No, I-I don't think I can go on

your parents' yacht this weekend.

I got another call. Gotta go.

I didn't have another call.

You just earned yourself a fat stack of man cards.

You're gonna feed seven? Yeah.

I'd suggest Louise or R.J.

Uh...

when I ordered the pig online,

I was under the impression it wouldn't be so...

alive.

Well, we only sell live pigs.

Now, what you can do is take it to the butcher down the road.

He'll slaughter, gut, and dress

any one of these little guys for you.

Or you can do it yourself.

Is there a problem?

No, no, no. It's no problem.

I made an enormous deal about a pig roast,

so we are roasting a pig.

R.J., if you have any female spider friends,

they have about 5 minutes to work their magic.

How's it going out here?

I just have to cook it another couple of hours

and then I get to flip it!

It's going better than I expected.

All of our friends are going to be so impressed.

So Angela and Doris?

Yeah.

We're going to need more chocolate syrup.

A lot more.

We could be in Mexico in 17 hours.

How do you know-- I just know, Greg.

What in the world are you two doing?!

Anna-Kat, what has gotten into you?

I'm just doing what you told me to do.

Yeah, honey, "No TV until you destroy your room."

Pretty sure I never said that.

Franklin wanted to turn my room

into Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory.

I told him it was stupid, but then you said

I should say, "Okay."

So here we are.

Anna-Kat, you should've stopped him.

Because, even though we need to be supported...

...sometimes boys have ideas that need to be shut down.

We're not talking about Franklin anymore, are we?

Was that our dinner?

His name is R.J.

Who's a good boy? You're a good boy.

You're a good boy. Get down. Get down. Get down.

This is why I don't say "Okay."

I know.

Why didn't you just return him?

'Cause he's so sweet, and if I brought him back,

they'd just sell him to someone else who'd eat him.

Yeah. Because he's food.

What are you doing? It's a complaint bracelet.

You snap it so you don't tell your husband

what an idiot he is.

If I hadn't brought a pig in this house,

I'd have a real problem with you wearing that.

If the pig is in our bedroom,

then what are you cooking in that box?

Two briskets. I stopped by the deli on the way home.

I don't have time for this right now.

I have to give my presentation to the Gala Board.

Do you want to rehearse with me?

Nah, I got this.

Are you sure? You're not the greatest at winging it.

You tried to wing our wedding vows and wound up just

repeating my vows back to me, only adding a few

"totally totally's."

Like, I said, "You are my sun and moon,"

and when it was your turn, you said,

"You are totally totally my sun and moon."

Stop worrying about my presentation.

It's just three ding-aling moms sitting around a lunch table.

They'll hear "beach blanket bingo"

and be so happy that they'll have to get emergency Botox

to hide their smile lines.

Oh, my God! We got a weird dog!

Hi. Hi, weird dog.

Tara. Katie.

Of course you're on the committee.

No, I'm here for fun.

I cleared my schedule to watch you crash and burn

from the audience.

Audience?

Mm-hmm.

Pwooh.

What is wrong with these people?

It is just a theme for a dumb fundraiser.

Don't freak out. Think of something happy.

God, that airbag hit Greg in the face so hard.

Fun. Casual. Picnic baskets...

that pink wine...

sitting on blankets...

sand...

macaroni salad...

...is what Tara Summers suggested we do.

But I told Tara, "This is a fundraiser, not a hoedown."

Silly, stupid Tara.

What I'm pitching, against Tara's advice, is Bollywood!

With more spectacle and pageantry

than you can even imagine.

Yes. Yes!

Picture the opulence of a white chocolate Taj Mahal.

Delicious food, all meat-based.

And dancers with curvy swords wearing gold M.C. Hammer pants.

She knows what I'm talkin' about!

And, for our big finale, we are going to have...

What are we gonna have?

Elephants!

That's right, elephants cloaked in velvet!

And who's riding that elephant?

Who, Katie? Who's riding the elephant?

Who's gonna get that lady all excited?

Nathan Fillion from ABC's "Castle"!

I love Castle!

He's my Hall Pass.

Yes!

I am so screwed.

We tried to warn you.

You know Nathan Fillion?

Doris, you and I have talked for at least 10,000 hours.

Don't you think you'd know if I knew Nathan Fillion?!

That's for you.

I'm not good at winging it.

I can't believe I'm saying this to a man bottle-feeding a pig,

but I should have listened to you.

But instead, I listened to you.

Why did I listen to you?

We're not men, we're Ottos!

I should be with Alice on her boat right now,

sitting at the raw bar in my just-the-right-amount-of-tight

European-style swimsuit.

You were right. I should have let you stop me.

No, you were right, too. I shouldn't have winged it.

It's just hard to know when to say "okay"

and when to stop a dumb idea.

So I guess we just have to support one another,

hope for the best, and deal with the fallout together.

Deal.

Oh, good, I'm glad you're agreeing, 'cause...

while you were gone, the pig chewed that

Coach purse you picked up at the school lost and found.

I'm sawwy.

I can't believe

you humiliated me in front of the Board of Directors.

I can't believe you can't believe I wouldn't do that.

You know what? It was worth it.

Because there's no way that you're gonna pull off

even half of those promises.

The Board will crucify you.

And I'll be there to watch.

What is this?!

A turkey.

Eyo! We're leaving.

Hey, Mom.

Did you and Taylor talk about college?

We did. And?

And...

I've decided I don't want to be an anesthesiologist.

What?

I'm gonna study manga.

What?! Manga is my passion.

No. Safely sedating a patient before surgery is your passion!

One afternoon in this house

and he wants to throw his life away on doodles!

Bye, Tara. See you never, I hope.

Not kidding. Hey, you, get out.

So, instead of him convincing you to go to college,

somehow you convinced him not to go to college?

I just supported him like you guys have been talking about.

You kids honestly picked the worst time to listen to us.

Yeah.

Don't mind us! We'll store it in the garage.

Oh, good, dent the other door. Even things out.

Hup, that lamp needed a good knocking-over.

Oh, we cleared the piano.

Oh, no! You broke the ceramic owl your mother gave us.

You did that on purpose.

True, but you brought home a live pig.

How long are you gonna play the pig card?

How long does a pig live?

On average, about 15 years.

Oh, crap.

Me and Hans Gruber are going upstairs.

I'm going to give him a bath.

You renamed the pig Hans Gruber?

Yeah. He tried to kill Bruce Willis

in my new favorite movie, "Die Hard."

You watched "Die Hard"?

Yeah, with Mama.

Sweetie, what is the rule

about Mama/Anna-Kat movie time?

"If Daddy asks, we always watched 'Despicable Me.'"

Oh, right.

Hans Gruber's a minion.

In my defense, you weren't supposed to find out about it.

It's a good defense.