Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,436 --> 00:00:04,838
These divorce lawyers
have a good business,
don't they?
2
00:00:04,905 --> 00:00:08,376
Yeah, in the same way
locusts have a good business.
3
00:00:12,213 --> 00:00:13,647
Mmm, smells good.
4
00:00:13,714 --> 00:00:15,783
So does the coffee.
5
00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:20,388
Charlie, stop sniffing
the paralegals.
6
00:00:21,489 --> 00:00:24,058
Look, I am paying my attorney
by the hour
7
00:00:24,125 --> 00:00:25,593
so just speak
when spoken to,
8
00:00:25,659 --> 00:00:29,530
and, uh, otherwise,
you know, just... shut up.
9
00:00:30,931 --> 00:00:32,400
Hey, if you'd listened to me
in the first place,
10
00:00:32,466 --> 00:00:33,967
you wouldn't be in this mess.
11
00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:35,803
I'm the one who told you
not to marry her.
12
00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:37,405
You're also the one
who told me
13
00:00:37,471 --> 00:00:39,273
that if I jumped off
the garage roof
14
00:00:39,340 --> 00:00:41,842
with a bath towel
tied around my neck
15
00:00:41,909 --> 00:00:43,311
I could fly to school.
16
00:00:44,212 --> 00:00:46,780
The one time you listen to me.
17
00:00:46,847 --> 00:00:48,249
Let me tell you
another thing.
18
00:00:48,316 --> 00:00:50,418
If I hadn't married Judith,
there'd be no Jake.
19
00:00:50,484 --> 00:00:52,686
I didn't say
you couldn't knock her up.
20
00:00:54,188 --> 00:00:55,723
Okay, let's get started.
21
00:00:55,789 --> 00:00:56,824
Wow.
22
00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:59,293
No. No wowing.
23
00:01:00,928 --> 00:01:03,131
No sniffing, no wowing.
24
00:01:03,197 --> 00:01:03,864
Laura Lang.
25
00:01:03,931 --> 00:01:05,099
Charlie Harper.
26
00:01:06,334 --> 00:01:07,968
Hey, didn't you used
to date Superman?
27
00:01:08,035 --> 00:01:09,303
That's Lana Lang.
28
00:01:09,370 --> 00:01:10,738
She was Superboy's girlfriend,
29
00:01:10,804 --> 00:01:13,207
and guys have been using
that tired old line on me
30
00:01:13,274 --> 00:01:14,275
since fifth grade.
31
00:01:14,342 --> 00:01:16,076
Did it ever work?
32
00:01:16,144 --> 00:01:18,412
Let's just get down to business,
okay?
33
00:01:18,479 --> 00:01:19,580
Okay.
34
00:01:19,647 --> 00:01:23,151
Didn't the Titanic
bang into her?
35
00:01:23,851 --> 00:01:24,818
Okay, Mr. Harper,
36
00:01:24,885 --> 00:01:26,254
the reason I wanted to see you
37
00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:27,188
is that your brother
is involved
38
00:01:27,255 --> 00:01:28,689
in a divorce action
39
00:01:28,756 --> 00:01:30,991
where the custody of his son
might become an issue.
40
00:01:31,058 --> 00:01:32,426
Really? Why?
41
00:01:32,493 --> 00:01:35,429
Well, because Jake stays
with his father part-time.
42
00:01:35,496 --> 00:01:37,198
His father lives with you,
43
00:01:37,265 --> 00:01:38,632
and in the words of his mother,
44
00:01:38,699 --> 00:01:41,068
you are... hang on--
I want to get this right--
45
00:01:41,135 --> 00:01:42,603
oh, here it is...
46
00:01:42,670 --> 00:01:43,771
"a sleazeball."
47
00:01:44,872 --> 00:01:46,607
Yeah. So?
48
00:01:46,674 --> 00:01:49,443
So she might try to take Jake
out of your home.
49
00:01:49,510 --> 00:01:51,445
Why? It's a beautiful home.
50
00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:55,149
You really should come
see it some evening.
51
00:01:57,718 --> 00:01:59,653
It's in Malibu.
52
00:02:00,988 --> 00:02:02,456
Right on the beach.
53
00:02:03,557 --> 00:02:06,294
My point is,
if Mrs. Harper decides
54
00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:07,661
to make an issue
out of your lifestyle,
55
00:02:07,728 --> 00:02:08,829
we need to be prepared.
56
00:02:08,896 --> 00:02:10,298
What's wrong with my lifestyle?
57
00:02:10,364 --> 00:02:11,865
Oh, no.
We are not going
58
00:02:11,932 --> 00:02:13,967
down that road
at $300 an hour.
59
00:02:14,034 --> 00:02:16,270
Relax, Alan. I'm going
to need to know
60
00:02:16,337 --> 00:02:18,972
every possible thing
they can use against us--
61
00:02:19,039 --> 00:02:20,808
every skeleton in your closet.
62
00:02:20,874 --> 00:02:22,843
Oh, boy.
63
00:02:22,910 --> 00:02:25,813
So, what, you want
to know about my sex life?
64
00:02:25,879 --> 00:02:29,116
Your sex life, your drinking,
your gambling, partying.
65
00:02:29,183 --> 00:02:31,652
On the beach.
66
00:02:33,621 --> 00:02:34,488
Mr. Harper.
67
00:02:34,555 --> 00:02:35,756
I'm sorry.
68
00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:39,092
Isn't that kind of
an invasion of my privacy?
69
00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:40,894
It is, and I apologize for that.
70
00:02:40,961 --> 00:02:42,596
But I handle a lot of divorces,
71
00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:44,765
and believe me,
they can get nasty.
72
00:02:46,367 --> 00:02:47,735
Look, I've got to be in court,
73
00:02:47,801 --> 00:02:49,537
so why don't you give this
some thought,
74
00:02:49,603 --> 00:02:51,539
and when you gather
the information we need,
75
00:02:51,605 --> 00:02:53,541
give me a call.
76
00:02:56,677 --> 00:03:00,481
Okay. Starting from now
and working backward,
77
00:03:00,548 --> 00:03:06,487
I've slept with...
my brother's attorney...
78
00:03:06,554 --> 00:03:10,658
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
79
00:03:10,724 --> 00:03:12,460
* Men... *
80
00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:19,066
So Laura, let me ask
you something.
81
00:03:19,132 --> 00:03:21,235
The other day
in your office,
82
00:03:21,302 --> 00:03:23,904
you didn't seem
to like me much.
83
00:03:23,971 --> 00:03:26,640
I'm just wondering
84
00:03:26,707 --> 00:03:28,976
what caused you
to drive over here,
85
00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:30,578
you know, mostly naked?
86
00:03:30,644 --> 00:03:32,880
Charlie, I don't have
to like you to want you.
87
00:03:32,946 --> 00:03:34,782
Right on.
88
00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:40,220
For the record,
89
00:03:40,288 --> 00:03:42,089
I don't like you
much either.
90
00:03:42,155 --> 00:03:44,525
Right on.
91
00:03:47,261 --> 00:03:48,496
Another question.
92
00:03:49,863 --> 00:03:53,301
Seeing as how you're my
brother's lawyer and all,
93
00:03:53,367 --> 00:03:57,004
is what we're doing here--
what's the word-- unethical?
94
00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:58,806
Oh, God, yes.
95
00:03:58,872 --> 00:04:01,275
Right on.
96
00:04:03,444 --> 00:04:06,079
Listen, Charlie,
I totally get who you are.
97
00:04:06,146 --> 00:04:08,248
You date lots of women.
You're a player.
98
00:04:08,316 --> 00:04:10,017
That's fine. I don't care.
99
00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:12,453
Oh, you are very special.
100
00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:15,323
I just have
one little request.
101
00:04:15,389 --> 00:04:18,091
You can pretty much have
anything you want right now.
102
00:04:18,158 --> 00:04:19,660
If your brother
found out about us,
103
00:04:19,727 --> 00:04:21,261
he could sue me
for malpractice.
104
00:04:21,329 --> 00:04:22,596
I'm taking
a big risk here.
105
00:04:22,663 --> 00:04:24,598
Man, this just keeps
getting hotter.
106
00:04:24,665 --> 00:04:28,268
But I need you
to do something for me.
107
00:04:28,336 --> 00:04:31,405
When I call you,
when I want you,
108
00:04:31,472 --> 00:04:32,740
you've got to be there.
109
00:04:32,806 --> 00:04:34,975
Okay, let's practice.
110
00:04:35,042 --> 00:04:36,577
( makes ringing sound )
111
00:04:36,644 --> 00:04:37,445
Hello?
112
00:04:37,511 --> 00:04:38,946
Oh, hey, Laura,
what's up?
113
00:04:39,012 --> 00:04:40,147
Now.
114
00:04:40,213 --> 00:04:41,782
Right on.
115
00:04:47,921 --> 00:04:48,922
Hello? Charlie?
116
00:04:52,860 --> 00:04:54,962
Sorry, but I'm gonna have
to speed this up.
117
00:04:57,898 --> 00:04:59,099
Charlie, relax.
118
00:04:59,166 --> 00:05:02,069
Just go downstairs
and distract him.
119
00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:03,371
You're gonna leave?
120
00:05:03,437 --> 00:05:04,772
Hey, I'm done.
121
00:05:04,838 --> 00:05:08,275
No cuddling,
no sharing feelings?
122
00:05:08,342 --> 00:05:09,910
I think I'm starting
to like you.
123
00:05:09,977 --> 00:05:11,345
Save the sweet talk.
124
00:05:11,412 --> 00:05:13,280
Just remember our deal.
125
00:05:13,347 --> 00:05:14,815
It suddenly occurs to me.
126
00:05:14,882 --> 00:05:19,052
I'm usually the one sneaking out
when the man gets home.
127
00:05:19,119 --> 00:05:20,488
Charlie, go!
128
00:05:20,554 --> 00:05:22,956
I thought it was a fun fact.
129
00:05:26,026 --> 00:05:26,994
Hey, Uncle Charlie.
130
00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:29,062
Hey, buddy. You're here early.
131
00:05:29,129 --> 00:05:30,464
Teacher's conference, half day.
132
00:05:30,531 --> 00:05:32,165
Whoa, where you going?
133
00:05:32,232 --> 00:05:33,834
I'm looking
for my Gameboy.
134
00:05:33,901 --> 00:05:34,868
Forget your Gameboy.
135
00:05:34,935 --> 00:05:37,538
It's a beautiful day.
Go watch TV.
136
00:05:37,605 --> 00:05:39,673
I don't want to watch TV.
137
00:05:39,740 --> 00:05:41,341
I want to play my Gameboy
and it's in your room.
138
00:05:41,409 --> 00:05:43,844
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
139
00:05:43,911 --> 00:05:48,081
The parental code
that unlocks the
pay channels is 1234.
140
00:05:48,148 --> 00:05:49,483
1234.
141
00:05:49,550 --> 00:05:50,884
I shoulda known.
142
00:05:52,953 --> 00:05:53,921
Oh, I'm sorry.
143
00:05:53,987 --> 00:05:56,089
Did I interrupt
your late morning nap
144
00:05:56,156 --> 00:05:57,257
or the early afternoon nap?
145
00:05:57,324 --> 00:05:59,693
I don't nap. I recharge.
146
00:06:00,761 --> 00:06:01,929
Can I get you a beer?
147
00:06:01,995 --> 00:06:03,063
Sure, thanks.
148
00:06:04,832 --> 00:06:05,833
Come on.
149
00:06:05,899 --> 00:06:09,302
Hang on. Alan Harper
for Laura Lang, please.
150
00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:10,070
What are you doing?
151
00:06:10,137 --> 00:06:11,271
Calling my lawyer.
152
00:06:11,338 --> 00:06:12,873
Why? I thought
we were gonna have a beer.
153
00:06:12,940 --> 00:06:15,709
Judith is demanding half
my book collection.
154
00:06:15,776 --> 00:06:17,911
Oh, man.
Sounds like you need a beer.
155
00:06:17,978 --> 00:06:20,047
They're rare
first editions, Charlie.
156
00:06:20,113 --> 00:06:21,549
Very valuable.
157
00:06:21,615 --> 00:06:23,851
Okay, well, you don't need
to get your lawyer involved.
158
00:06:23,917 --> 00:06:26,253
Hey, you've still got
your old garage door
clicker, right?
159
00:06:26,319 --> 00:06:27,354
Yeah.
160
00:06:27,421 --> 00:06:28,789
So, let Judith
have the books
161
00:06:28,856 --> 00:06:30,858
and then one night
maybe someone goes
162
00:06:30,924 --> 00:06:31,725
and gets them back.
163
00:06:31,792 --> 00:06:34,061
Wonderful.
Breaking and entering.
164
00:06:34,127 --> 00:06:37,030
It's not "breaking"
if you have the clicker.
165
00:06:37,097 --> 00:06:38,966
More good advice.
166
00:06:39,032 --> 00:06:41,268
And it's free.
167
00:06:41,334 --> 00:06:42,402
So hang up and let's
get that beer.
168
00:06:42,470 --> 00:06:43,771
Sure, I'll hold.
169
00:06:43,837 --> 00:06:47,575
They're patching me
through to her cell phone.
170
00:06:47,641 --> 00:06:49,443
( phone rings )
171
00:06:49,510 --> 00:06:51,745
What's that?
172
00:06:51,812 --> 00:06:52,713
That?
173
00:06:52,780 --> 00:06:55,048
That is, coincidentally,
my cell phone.
174
00:06:56,116 --> 00:06:57,551
Excuse me.
175
00:06:57,618 --> 00:06:59,487
Oh, hi, Alan.
176
00:06:59,553 --> 00:07:00,721
Don't answer!
177
00:07:02,122 --> 00:07:03,323
What's up?
178
00:07:03,390 --> 00:07:04,357
What are you doing?
179
00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:06,393
Hang on, Alan.
180
00:07:06,460 --> 00:07:07,961
I'm making a living, Charlie.
181
00:07:08,028 --> 00:07:09,963
I thought you were worried
about malpractice.
182
00:07:10,030 --> 00:07:12,666
I'm more worried
about billable hours.
183
00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:15,368
Can you prove you
acquired the books
184
00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:17,037
in question prior
to the marriage?
185
00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:18,038
Charlie!
186
00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:19,072
Coming.
187
00:07:19,139 --> 00:07:20,073
Shh.
188
00:07:20,140 --> 00:07:22,042
Why are you shushing me?
189
00:07:22,109 --> 00:07:23,243
Hang on.
190
00:07:23,310 --> 00:07:24,311
What?
191
00:07:24,377 --> 00:07:25,312
I'm on the phone with Laura.
192
00:07:25,378 --> 00:07:26,680
Say hi for me.
193
00:07:26,747 --> 00:07:28,081
Give it up, Charlie.
194
00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:29,182
She doesn't like you.
195
00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:31,051
True.
196
00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:32,886
Listen, you'll testify
that I bought
197
00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:35,489
all my first-edition books
before I got married, right?
198
00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:36,089
Did you?
199
00:07:36,156 --> 00:07:36,957
No.
200
00:07:37,024 --> 00:07:37,958
Then I'm your man.
201
00:07:38,025 --> 00:07:39,026
I can prove it.
202
00:07:39,092 --> 00:07:40,528
Charlie's my witness.
203
00:07:40,594 --> 00:07:41,695
Hey, what happened
to the TV?
204
00:07:41,762 --> 00:07:44,565
There's nothing dirty on.
205
00:07:44,632 --> 00:07:45,633
I'm gonna get my Gameboy.
206
00:07:45,699 --> 00:07:47,100
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
207
00:07:47,167 --> 00:07:48,435
No, wait right here.
208
00:07:48,502 --> 00:07:50,303
I'll get it for you.
209
00:07:50,370 --> 00:07:52,640
Of course, he's credible.
210
00:07:52,706 --> 00:07:53,907
I don't know, Alan.
211
00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:57,010
If the right lawyer
gets their hands on him,
212
00:07:57,077 --> 00:07:59,947
they could really
make him sweat.
213
00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:02,015
Very funny.
214
00:08:02,082 --> 00:08:05,553
Have you seen a Gameboy
anywhere around here?
215
00:08:05,619 --> 00:08:07,655
Okay, we'll just have
to do the best we can.
216
00:08:07,721 --> 00:08:09,222
I'll tell him exactly
what to do
217
00:08:09,289 --> 00:08:10,858
and who knows?
218
00:08:10,924 --> 00:08:14,261
Maybe he'll get the job done.
219
00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:17,430
I got the job done twice.
220
00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:21,268
Why don't you let me
talk to him?
221
00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:23,103
Charlie!
222
00:08:26,106 --> 00:08:27,841
Why?
223
00:08:33,647 --> 00:08:34,815
Where's my Gameboy?
224
00:08:34,882 --> 00:08:36,550
I'll buy you a new one.
225
00:08:37,618 --> 00:08:39,086
She wants to talk to you.
226
00:08:39,152 --> 00:08:40,554
Keep it short.
227
00:08:40,621 --> 00:08:41,722
Alan, if I could
keep it short,
228
00:08:41,789 --> 00:08:43,891
my life would be
so much simpler.
229
00:08:45,158 --> 00:08:45,993
Hello?
230
00:08:46,059 --> 00:08:47,194
Now.
231
00:08:47,260 --> 00:08:49,096
What?
232
00:08:49,162 --> 00:08:53,200
I want you now.
233
00:08:53,266 --> 00:08:54,868
You've got to be kidding.
234
00:08:54,935 --> 00:08:56,637
Charlie, I pay her
by the hour.
235
00:08:56,704 --> 00:08:58,906
Just listen to her
and do what she says.
236
00:09:00,708 --> 00:09:02,610
You're the boss.
237
00:09:02,676 --> 00:09:03,877
I'll get right on it.
238
00:09:04,612 --> 00:09:05,746
What did she say?
239
00:09:05,813 --> 00:09:07,915
Uh, she wants me to...
write a statement.
240
00:09:07,981 --> 00:09:10,117
And she wants you to...
take Jake out
241
00:09:10,183 --> 00:09:11,719
and buy him a new Gameboy.
242
00:09:11,785 --> 00:09:13,621
Why would she want that?
243
00:09:13,687 --> 00:09:14,888
For God's sake, Alan,
244
00:09:14,955 --> 00:09:16,990
you're paying this woman
a lot of money.
245
00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:18,792
I suggest you take her advice.
246
00:09:18,859 --> 00:09:22,029
Jake, we're going out.
247
00:09:24,097 --> 00:09:25,799
I just want
to make it clear
248
00:09:25,866 --> 00:09:27,267
that I would never behave
in a way
249
00:09:27,334 --> 00:09:29,302
that would negatively influence
my nephew.
250
00:09:29,369 --> 00:09:30,470
( scoffs )
251
00:09:30,537 --> 00:09:31,905
Hey, what was that?
252
00:09:31,972 --> 00:09:33,373
Is she allowed to do that?
253
00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:34,407
Mr. Harper,
254
00:09:34,474 --> 00:09:35,909
how many women
would you say
255
00:09:35,976 --> 00:09:38,511
you have sexual relations
with in any given year?
256
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:39,947
Excuse me.
257
00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:48,822
I do okay.
258
00:09:50,858 --> 00:09:52,793
Ten, 20, a hundred?
259
00:09:52,860 --> 00:09:54,461
Come on. I don't keep count.
260
00:09:54,527 --> 00:09:56,496
So we'll say... ten?
261
00:09:56,563 --> 00:09:57,665
I don't see the relevance
of this.
262
00:09:57,731 --> 00:09:58,866
Well, we're trying
263
00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:00,834
to establish
Mr. Harper's lifestyle
264
00:10:00,901 --> 00:10:02,903
as a way of determining
whether his home
265
00:10:02,970 --> 00:10:04,905
is a suitable environment
for a young boy.
266
00:10:04,972 --> 00:10:07,540
Okay, let me just say
here that I love Jake
267
00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:09,877
and I make it my business
to see that nothing goes on
268
00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:12,245
in front of him that
is in any way inappropriate.
269
00:10:12,312 --> 00:10:13,647
You tell him, Charlie.
270
00:10:14,882 --> 00:10:17,384
And it's significantly
north of ten.
271
00:10:23,824 --> 00:10:24,825
I think we can move on.
272
00:10:24,892 --> 00:10:26,827
Do you have
any more questions?
273
00:10:27,795 --> 00:10:31,298
You are doing
very well.
274
00:10:31,364 --> 00:10:33,100
Thanks.
275
00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:36,636
Uh... Mr. Harper,
is it true that Jake saw
276
00:10:36,704 --> 00:10:39,006
a woman in
the shower with you?
277
00:10:39,072 --> 00:10:41,108
Okay, yes.
278
00:10:41,174 --> 00:10:44,778
Now, in that instance,
the door was closed,
279
00:10:44,845 --> 00:10:50,150
he didn't knock,
and the door was closed...
280
00:10:51,351 --> 00:10:52,519
And...
281
00:10:52,585 --> 00:10:54,822
I'm sorry.
What was the question?
282
00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:57,624
Woman in the shower.
283
00:10:57,691 --> 00:10:59,026
Don't help them.
284
00:11:00,694 --> 00:11:01,995
And, most important,
285
00:11:02,062 --> 00:11:03,931
he didn't see
anything inappropriate.
286
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:06,499
Well, then,
what can you tell us
287
00:11:06,566 --> 00:11:09,036
about this picture
that Jake drew?
288
00:11:12,139 --> 00:11:13,874
Okay, now...
289
00:11:13,941 --> 00:11:16,043
that's a totally different...
290
00:11:16,109 --> 00:11:17,745
Whoa! Man!
291
00:11:19,146 --> 00:11:21,715
Whoa-man. Woman.
292
00:11:23,917 --> 00:11:25,518
She was in my kitchen
293
00:11:25,585 --> 00:11:28,055
wearing a T-shirt,
and she reached up for some...
294
00:11:28,121 --> 00:11:29,456
Uh-oh!
295
00:11:31,458 --> 00:11:33,260
SpaghettiOs.
296
00:11:34,928 --> 00:11:37,731
That... that's what
she was reaching for.
297
00:11:37,798 --> 00:11:41,869
I'd like a moment to
confer with my witness.
298
00:11:41,935 --> 00:11:46,673
You are making me so hot.
299
00:11:46,740 --> 00:11:48,742
I see.
300
00:11:48,809 --> 00:11:51,011
Look, Stuart,
301
00:11:51,078 --> 00:11:54,381
we both know you're on a fishing
expedition here, right?
302
00:11:54,447 --> 00:11:57,951
Well... maybe.
303
00:11:58,018 --> 00:11:59,319
Maybe?
304
00:11:59,386 --> 00:12:00,754
You have no case.
305
00:12:00,821 --> 00:12:02,990
This man is
a wonderful uncle.
306
00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:04,792
He provides
a beautiful home.
307
00:12:04,858 --> 00:12:06,093
And the last
time I looked,
308
00:12:06,159 --> 00:12:07,928
it wasn't against
the law to be single
309
00:12:07,995 --> 00:12:10,063
in the United States of America.
310
00:12:10,130 --> 00:12:12,065
Oh, God...
311
00:12:14,835 --> 00:12:17,337
bless America.
312
00:12:19,106 --> 00:12:20,073
Amen.
313
00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:26,780
The good news is
314
00:12:26,847 --> 00:12:28,448
your wife has given up
on the custody issue,
315
00:12:28,515 --> 00:12:31,484
All right.
but we still need to finalize
the property settlement.
316
00:12:31,551 --> 00:12:32,953
Now, aside from your books,
317
00:12:33,020 --> 00:12:35,522
she's requested a few
other specific items.
318
00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:36,389
Like what?
319
00:12:36,456 --> 00:12:38,558
A massage chair.
320
00:12:38,625 --> 00:12:40,160
Oh, no. Oh, no. Forget it.
321
00:12:40,227 --> 00:12:41,194
Forget it.
322
00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:42,295
I love that chair.
323
00:12:42,362 --> 00:12:44,631
That was the only
thing in my bedroom
324
00:12:44,697 --> 00:12:46,499
that moved
when I touched it.
325
00:12:46,566 --> 00:12:47,634
Don't worry, Alan.
326
00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:49,436
I will get you
your chair.
327
00:12:49,502 --> 00:12:50,670
I will get you
your books.
328
00:12:50,737 --> 00:12:52,873
I will fight for you,
I will win for you,
329
00:12:52,940 --> 00:12:55,075
and I won't stop
until your wife
is squished
330
00:12:55,142 --> 00:12:56,509
like a bug
on a windshield.
331
00:12:56,576 --> 00:12:59,346
Okay, let's not lose sight
of the fact
332
00:12:59,412 --> 00:13:02,149
that this bug
is the mother of my child.
333
00:13:02,215 --> 00:13:05,018
So let's just keep the squishing
to a minimum.
334
00:13:05,085 --> 00:13:06,119
CHARLIE:
Don't worry.
335
00:13:06,186 --> 00:13:07,921
You don't need
a bathing suit.
336
00:13:07,988 --> 00:13:11,224
Once you're drunk,
the ocean's not cold at all.
337
00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:12,492
Charlie.
338
00:13:12,559 --> 00:13:13,526
Hey, Alan.
339
00:13:16,229 --> 00:13:17,497
And Laura.
340
00:13:18,765 --> 00:13:20,400
Hello, Laura.
341
00:13:21,768 --> 00:13:23,536
I didn't know you were here.
342
00:13:23,603 --> 00:13:24,504
Hi, Charlie.
343
00:13:24,571 --> 00:13:25,672
Crystal.
344
00:13:25,738 --> 00:13:27,540
Hey.
345
00:13:27,607 --> 00:13:28,675
Oh, yeah.
346
00:13:28,741 --> 00:13:30,643
I guess you guys
know each other.
347
00:13:30,710 --> 00:13:32,545
( clears throat )
348
00:13:32,612 --> 00:13:33,914
How's that flu?
349
00:13:33,981 --> 00:13:36,516
Oh, um, it's better.
350
00:13:36,583 --> 00:13:37,885
( coughing )
351
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,389
Hey, this calls for a drink.
352
00:13:42,455 --> 00:13:43,957
A very large drink.
353
00:13:45,392 --> 00:13:50,030
Um, I'm not getting billed
for her time now, am I?
354
00:13:58,538 --> 00:13:59,272
Charlie.
355
00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:01,608
Okay, I know
this is awkward,
356
00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:02,943
but let's keep in mind
357
00:14:03,010 --> 00:14:05,345
we agreed that you and I
were just a casual deal.
358
00:14:05,412 --> 00:14:07,881
Two consenting adults,
no strings, no drama.
359
00:14:07,948 --> 00:14:08,949
Charlie.
360
00:14:09,016 --> 00:14:10,050
And I'm willing to admit
361
00:14:10,117 --> 00:14:11,684
that trying to boink
your assistant
362
00:14:11,751 --> 00:14:13,486
might not have been...
Charlie.
363
00:14:13,553 --> 00:14:15,222
Yeah?
364
00:14:15,288 --> 00:14:16,656
Now.
365
00:14:16,723 --> 00:14:17,991
What?
366
00:14:18,058 --> 00:14:22,029
I want you now.
367
00:14:22,095 --> 00:14:24,464
But see, now's really
not a good time.
368
00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:26,766
I mean, you're working
with my brother,
369
00:14:26,833 --> 00:14:28,601
and Crystal took
a sick day...
370
00:14:32,739 --> 00:14:35,508
Okay, that's a good point.
371
00:14:35,575 --> 00:14:38,378
Let me think this through.
372
00:14:40,547 --> 00:14:42,582
All right, there's just one way
to make this work.
373
00:14:42,649 --> 00:14:45,152
I don't do threesomes, Charlie.
374
00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:47,587
Then I'm stumped.
375
00:14:47,654 --> 00:14:48,755
What's going on?
376
00:14:48,821 --> 00:14:50,390
Nothing. Not a thing.
377
00:14:50,457 --> 00:14:53,026
Charlie, there's
no reason to lie.
378
00:14:53,093 --> 00:14:54,427
Are you sure?
379
00:14:54,494 --> 00:14:56,496
There usually is.
380
00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:58,865
I'm a little upset
with your brother
381
00:14:58,932 --> 00:15:00,333
for getting involved
with my assistant.
382
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:03,070
It could be construed
as a breach of ethics.
383
00:15:03,136 --> 00:15:04,404
Nice going, Charlie.
384
00:15:04,471 --> 00:15:06,339
This won't affect my case,
will it?
385
00:15:06,406 --> 00:15:08,241
Of course not, Alan,
I'm a professional.
386
00:15:08,308 --> 00:15:09,476
Listen,
if we're going to make it
387
00:15:09,542 --> 00:15:11,344
to that settlement conference
on time,
388
00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:13,981
maybe you should put
on a jacket and tie.
389
00:15:14,047 --> 00:15:15,315
Nothing too nice.
390
00:15:15,382 --> 00:15:16,316
Oh, you're good.
391
00:15:16,383 --> 00:15:18,551
You think you can keep it
in your pants
392
00:15:18,618 --> 00:15:20,387
till I get my stuff back?
393
00:15:21,488 --> 00:15:24,557
I'm trying harder
than you think.
394
00:15:26,659 --> 00:15:27,694
Okay, we've got 15 minutes.
395
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:29,096
Where do you want to do this?
396
00:15:29,162 --> 00:15:31,098
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, hold on.
397
00:15:31,164 --> 00:15:36,203
It's not that I'm not into
risky, semipublic sex,
398
00:15:36,269 --> 00:15:40,607
it's just that I'm starting
to resent your attitude.
399
00:15:40,673 --> 00:15:42,542
Charlie, we have a deal.
400
00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:47,347
Okay, Laura, look, uh...
401
00:15:47,414 --> 00:15:51,351
I only went along with that
because you're hot
402
00:15:51,418 --> 00:15:55,322
and took little to no effort
on my part.
403
00:15:57,190 --> 00:15:59,159
Just make yourself at home,
Crystal.
404
00:15:59,226 --> 00:16:02,529
That's the ocean.
405
00:16:04,397 --> 00:16:09,236
Anyway, uh, I think
we might be done here.
406
00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:10,870
You're dumping me?
407
00:16:10,937 --> 00:16:12,105
Yep.
408
00:16:12,839 --> 00:16:14,407
Now.
409
00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:19,579
You're going to be very sorry,
Charlie Harper.
410
00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:27,587
Yeah, girls have been using
that tired old line on me
411
00:16:27,654 --> 00:16:29,522
since the fifth grade.
412
00:16:31,258 --> 00:16:35,228
Okay, the next item
is the rare book collection
413
00:16:35,295 --> 00:16:36,929
appraised at $12,000.
414
00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:39,866
Actually, our appraisers
came in at $16,500.
415
00:16:39,932 --> 00:16:41,468
Yeah.
416
00:16:41,534 --> 00:16:42,669
Enjoy them.
417
00:16:46,573 --> 00:16:47,974
What?
418
00:16:48,041 --> 00:16:49,809
I was only asking for half.
419
00:16:49,876 --> 00:16:51,511
Why break up a collection?
420
00:16:51,578 --> 00:16:53,046
Okay, what's next?
421
00:16:53,113 --> 00:16:54,314
Well, I understand
there's a dispute
422
00:16:54,381 --> 00:16:55,848
over the massage chair.
423
00:16:55,915 --> 00:16:57,150
Not anymore. We concede.
424
00:16:57,217 --> 00:16:58,385
What do you mean
we concede?
425
00:16:58,451 --> 00:17:00,153
We're not here for conceding.
426
00:17:00,220 --> 00:17:01,988
We're here for fighting
and winning
427
00:17:02,055 --> 00:17:03,290
and squishing, remember?
428
00:17:03,356 --> 00:17:04,924
Alan, I know what I'm doing.
429
00:17:04,991 --> 00:17:08,027
Okay, moving on
to the retirement fund.
430
00:17:08,095 --> 00:17:09,129
Take it.
Take it?
431
00:17:09,196 --> 00:17:10,797
Take it.
I'll take it.
432
00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:12,699
Are you out of your mind?!
433
00:17:12,765 --> 00:17:14,501
Okay, what else would you like?
434
00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:15,568
What else?!
435
00:17:16,769 --> 00:17:18,505
Judith, for God's sake,
436
00:17:18,571 --> 00:17:22,075
remember there was a time
when you loved me.
437
00:17:37,590 --> 00:17:40,527
Oh, cool.
438
00:17:43,130 --> 00:17:44,497
Hey, that was quick.
439
00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:48,568
Yeah, like every other time
Judith screwed me.
440
00:17:52,205 --> 00:17:53,573
What happened?
441
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:55,608
What happened?
I'll tell you what happened.
442
00:17:55,675 --> 00:18:00,113
My settlement conference turned
into a drive-by colonoscopy.
443
00:18:00,947 --> 00:18:02,649
Ouch.
444
00:18:02,715 --> 00:18:05,852
Charlie, have you ever heard
of a divorce agreement
445
00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:07,354
that requires the ex-husband
446
00:18:07,420 --> 00:18:10,089
to pay the ex-wife's
dry cleaning for life?
447
00:18:10,157 --> 00:18:11,391
Wow.
448
00:18:11,458 --> 00:18:13,025
Yeah, not just clothes.
449
00:18:13,092 --> 00:18:18,565
Drapes, rugs, slipcovers...
450
00:18:18,631 --> 00:18:20,267
even suede.
451
00:18:20,333 --> 00:18:23,870
Sounds like she really took you
to the cleaners, huh?
452
00:18:25,505 --> 00:18:26,839
Sorry.
453
00:18:26,906 --> 00:18:30,443
So, I... I fired Laura
and tore up the agreement.
454
00:18:30,510 --> 00:18:32,345
I'm going to have
to find a new attorney
455
00:18:32,412 --> 00:18:34,046
and just start all over.
456
00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:35,081
Oh, good then.
457
00:18:35,148 --> 00:18:36,549
No harm, no foul.
458
00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:40,387
Except for the thousands
of dollars of extra legal fees.
459
00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:42,822
Oh, yeah, that's gonna sting
a little, huh?
460
00:18:42,889 --> 00:18:45,225
Not as much as having to buy
Judith's parents
461
00:18:45,292 --> 00:18:46,826
a retirement condo
in Boca Raton.
462
00:18:48,027 --> 00:18:49,696
She didn't even ask for that.
463
00:18:49,762 --> 00:18:51,864
Laura just threw it in.
464
00:18:51,931 --> 00:18:53,633
Lawyers.
465
00:18:53,700 --> 00:18:57,136
But you know
what the interesting thing is?
466
00:18:57,204 --> 00:18:58,738
No, what?
467
00:18:58,805 --> 00:19:00,173
After it was all over
468
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:04,577
and Judith and her attorney
went dancing out of the room,
469
00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:07,347
I asked Laura
why she had done this to me,
470
00:19:07,414 --> 00:19:12,885
and she said, and I quote,
"Ask your brother."
471
00:19:16,389 --> 00:19:19,692
So, here I am asking you--
472
00:19:19,759 --> 00:19:21,761
Why, Charlie?
473
00:19:23,930 --> 00:19:25,432
Why did my very expensive
474
00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:28,501
Beverly Hills divorce lawyer
sell me out?
475
00:19:28,568 --> 00:19:29,702
( sighs, clears throat )
476
00:19:29,769 --> 00:19:32,405
Okay, okay.
477
00:19:32,472 --> 00:19:35,041
I'll tell you
the whole story.
478
00:19:35,107 --> 00:19:37,544
But maybe you should
sit down first.
479
00:20:53,853 --> 00:20:55,622
* Men... *
32158
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof