All language subtitles for Top.Gear.S09E01.WS.PDTV.XviD-RiVER.eng

Top Gear S09E01
TransGear subtitle team
The Sim-Race Federation of China
www.srfc.com.cn

crew
transcription: catchup, bitcars, RS4
check: catchup, bitcars, RS4, Z102
timeline: bitcars, catchup

Tonight, Jaguar supercharged XKR versus its twin sister.

Why do roadworks take so long?

Come on! Put it back into it, you, man.

And Jamie Oliver prepares a delicious lap in our reasonably-priced car.

Hello, hello and yes!

We'll also be showing you...

We'll also be showing you a very small man having a very big car accident.

But,

even we with our limited knowledge of television realize

that you don't do that now,

you have to do that later on in the show,

otherwise everyone would just watch it now

and turn over to watch the final of Big Brother.

So what we're actually doing about that is

saving you from yourselves, really.

Yeah, we are. That's one problem solved.

But we do have another one of course,

because all the time that we've been off air,

people have been coming up to me and Jeremy,

and they've been saying

will Top Gear go back to the way it was?

Is it still just gonna be three normal blokes cocking about and arguing?

I mean it's actually a problem really,

because obviously one of us blokes

has now become Princess Diana.

It's tricky.

No, he really has.

However, Princess Diana himself has said quite explicitly

that he just wants to come back onto a show

that is the way it was back in the summer.

Exactly. He said please don't make any changes, please.

Yeah, he actually said explicitly

"for pete's sake, don't make a big fuss."

Absolutely. So it gives me really great pleasure

'cause I didn't think I'd ever be saying this at one point.

Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome

Richard Hammond!

Oh, well, this is a pretty awkward.

Thank you, I said

no fuss, no fu...

Oh, sorry gals, sorry, sorry,

sorry gals, sorry

I said no fuss.

Mate!

Hammond!

- Oh man!
- I'll be great to have you back!

James May!

Oh, that's embarrassing, really is embarrassing.

That's em, that whole stairs thing,

That was the most embarrassing thing I've ever had to do.

Well I wouldn't say that to any of the people

who just had to jump off a Boeing 737 at Luton

We were gonna get some like / ones, do you know the big ones?

Do you know how much they were to gonna be to build?

300 quid.

Oh, fair enough.

I mean we like it, OK? We are glad you're back.

But 300 quid to build a gate?

So no, the aeroplane stair.

I wish you hadn't bothered, thank you.

Anyway, listen. This is the big question, I guess,

everybody wants to know.

Here ready?

Are you now a mental?

No.

I'm not.

I'm fixed.

I'm completely fixed and normal and healed. Thank you.

What are you doing?

Well you know it's a,
it's a tissue for if you start dribbling.

That's all I've had for four months.

What? Tissues?

No, people hanging around just watching,

waiting for my eyes to point in different directions and me to go bonkers.

I'm fixed. I'm normal.

Are you the same person that you were before?

Yeah, I mean the doctors were worried

because it's brain damage, about, you know, personality change or whatever

But, no, the only difference really between me now and me before the crash,

is I like celery now and I didn't.

So you're still shouty, you're still fighty?

Yes.

And if I take you to the pub

are you still gonna want to punch me in the face after 15 minutes?

Yes, though that's to be honest,

more your personality than mine.

- You see, I always want to punch him in the face after 15 minutes
- Yeah, that's perfectly normal.

...sometimes less

OK, look, the most important thing I think

really is to make sure this never happens again, the crash.

'cause I mean that you're like the cat from "Shrek II" here.

You have used up 8 of your 9 lives really.

So I've decided that in future,

all the very fast cars, the Lambos, the Astons, the Ferraris,

I'll look after them, I'll...

You'll drive them?

Yeah, I'll drive them.

No personality change for you either.

Then it's business as usual.

Absolutely, I'm still the same kind thoughtful soul that I always was.

That's quite moving.

- OK, brilliant.
- Thank you.

Thank you for that and thank you as well for

the embarrassing stairs thing, that's great.

There is one more thank you please if you don't mind,

difference here is perhaps,

I mean this one.

I'd like to say thank you to all of the nurses,

and the doctors and all the staff in Leeds and in Bristol

where I was when I was being stuck back together,

and the people, Yorkshire air ambulance, who got me there in time,

and particularly, and particularly right now,

to everybody who wrote in.

Some of the people here maybe, and you perhaps

that wrote in just to wish me the best.

It really meant a lot and helped and thank you for that.

Hey, bravo!

The stairs are nice

You're eyebrows aren't burnt
and what?

You eyebrows

Oh they are fixed

they can't be broken.

Shall we resume normal service?

Absolutely, err, good idea,

because I've got a bit of bean in my bonnet.

- See what I mean?
- Yeah.

Listen, the thing is, roadworks.

For the last year or so,

I have been virtually cut off from London

because they've been digging up the Oxford ring road, OK?

At one point, they had it down to a single lane,

and you had to go down that,

being escorted by a van with yellow flashing lights on the roof at 10 mph.

It'd be better off and quicker on a horse.

Then they said it was something you going this slowly to protect the work force

but there wasn't a work force there.

They were never doing anything

'cause they were in a hut having a health and safty lecture.

He is absolutely right.

These days with roadworks,

you never get that sense that they are getting on with it,

doing it quickly and efficiently

for the benefit of those people who might be inconvenienced.

Who pay their wages exactly.

I mean it's really simple.

Close the road,

slap some new tarmac on it,

tell the health and safety people to get stuffed

and get the damn thing open as quickly as possible.

I mean how hard can it be?

Oh, how I've missed the pang of dread I feel

whenever you mentioned the words

how hard can it be?

Well, we are just about to find out.

This is the critically important D5481

just outside the village of Bidford-on-Avon in Warwickshire.

The surface looks like a lunar teenager's face.

And the council said repairing the 1.5 miles stretch

would mean closing it completely for one working week.

A massive inconvenience for the people of Bidford.

But we've taken the job over

and by being efficient, and hard working and organized,

we're gonna try and get the job done in 24 hours.

Are we ready?

Oh yeah.

Let's go!

Immediately though, there was a problem.

I just wanna go through the barriers, the safety aspects before we start work.

First of which is the protective equipment you're gonna have to use.

You all must have your boots, your trousers, jackets and your hat on.

We don't have time for this.

/ would go in backwards as well forwards

So anyone walking beyond the plant must have a chaperone with them,

Just beware the rabbit holes please, don't want any broken ankles or sprained ankles

6 days of this and 1 day of work.

telling you which piece of PPE(Personal Protective Equipment) you must wear

Let's just get out of the way.

everybody general PPE, any questions?

Can we start now?

not until you're suited and booted, I'm afraid

well, we're dressed

Can't see my genitals.

The safety lecture droned on for so long that we really had to get cracking,

if we were to begin as planned on the dot of 9 a.m.

Now it's a 1.5 miles stretch.

And we're gonna dig it up, repave it, roll it, paint new white lines, the lot.

Yeah, and because the road is actually gonna be closed,

we have to have a diversion set up.

And that's what James is doing right now.

Right, this is really very simple.

Here is our road, here,

and obviously that's closed 'cause that's where we're working on.

So anybody wanted to go down there to Ardens Grafton

would have to go round the block.

So I'm gonna put a sign up that takes them towards Stratford down there,

and then somewhere I'll take them back around

back around there and they'll be back around at Ardens.

at the other end of this road.

Easy.

Normally for a job like this, they'd use 14 men.

We were using 32.

And to pat them up,

I prepared a stowing motivational speech.

the Parthenon, the pyramids,

the Great Wall of China,

Each a shining...

each a shining beacon of ambition.

And today gentlemen, the D5481 will join that list.

We shall build this road in a day!

Our resurfacing work will last for 1,000 years!

Sadly, Jeremy's speech went on a bit.

But nevertheless,

on the dot of 9:07,

we began.

The first job was to rip up the old surface

and for that, we needed a plainer.

To operate it safely, you're supposed to use three men

but we put two on other jobs and decided to go it alone.

You're gonna drive that.

Yes.

Teeth dig up the road,

rubble goes up there and into the truck.

Exactly right.

Which...

Well, you can drive it.

James' diversion meanwhile, hadn't got off to a good start.

Hey?

Oh, cock.

Yeah, all right.

Well, I finally upped the cutters.

all the revs

Here we go, hand brake, off.

Engine.

OK, let's go, yeah.

Jeremy, catch up, man, what are you doing.

Just look behind you and see if it's going in the bloody lorry.

Ignore the sign.

Ignore the sign, it's wrong.

James was being rubbish,

but then we were hardly employees of the month either.

Stupid idiot!

look, stop putting me off

You've missed the truck.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

And then things got worse.

Jeremy, there is a slight problem.

What?

I've sort of set off with a bit of angle,

and I'm on the wrong bit of road.

- This is Bidford, isn't it? - Yeah.

If you wanted to get back to there,

but without using that road,

which is the best way to go?

Err, up to the island,

- Up there?
- Yeah.

third turn in after the island.

What's happened is it goes in the bit of a straight line,

Yeah.

and then when you tried to turn it back in, it stalled.

So I'm trying to get it back to the...

Give it more power.

There is a Clarkson answer to a problem

Just more power.

So far, in forty minutes, we've done...

- 20 yards?

- 20 yards.

And you think this is helping?

Right, left, industrial estate...

I'm quite pleased with the way this is going now.

You've just hit me again!

I feel as though we are working as a team well.

Jeremy, we've got to stop.

What for?

Because the truck is full and overflowing

and it might not be able to tip it out

which means we'll have to do it with shovels, you pillock.

To save time, I simply parked the lorry at the side of the road

and emptied it there.

Empty!

This didn't seem to go down well with my colleagues.

That's a gate.

Whose gate?

I... Does it matter? It's a gate, it's somebody's gate.

and you put several tons of road in it.

And I won't... I can't do a 3 point turn now either, can I?

No, you can't. That's the only turning place.

You're on your own, man. I'm sorry.

Can you get a digger?

No!

So it goes left, right, left,

industrial estate, right.

Yeah, pass the industrial estate

There's only a mini round about.

Turn right up Georges Elm Lane.

Georges Elm Lane, which is the first on the right.

Pass industrial estate.

At this stage, things were going quite badly.

So we handed the lorry and the plainer over to the professionals.

Richard was then given the simple job of tidying up,

and I went back to making motivational speeches.

This is not the end,

this is not the beginning,

this is not the beginning of the end,

it's not even...

With the men motivated nicely,

we soon have the old surface cleared

and then started to lay the bitumen which glues the new tarmac in place.

Some people then began to ask if they could have a break.

But of course the answer was no.

This is how we're managing to speed things up.

Lunch on this job is what you can find in the hedge.

Dickensian work practices alone though, would not get this job done in a day.

You also need to throw resources at it.

something councils seem unwilling to do.

I really wanna get these math worked out

because the way we're doing this,

throwing men and machines at it and doing it in a day

is 7,000 pounds more expensive

than having 8-hour days, and taking a week.

But I reckon,

you only need inconvenience 500 people for an hour a day,

for you to be better off doing it our way.

At 1 o'clock, James finally finished his diversion

giving locals lots of alternatives

and returned to find me having a power nap.

Work sets you free.

Refreshed, I came up with yet more ways to speed things up.

You know when the trucks back up,

Yeah.

There's a man walking behind them.

The banksman, yeah.

But all trucks've got to have cameras on them as well.

They do as well.

So why do you need a man and a camera?

That man could be better employed making roadworks.

It's double protection, isn't it?

- If somebody...
- It's not. It's just... what?

Well, did you hear though,

in fairness, one bloke recently got run over by that plaining machine.

How interest am I in that?

They only found his hand.

Don't care.

By 2:30, the road had been sprayed with bitumen glue

and was ready to receive the new layer of tarmac.

This is the most critical part of our whole operation.

Normally, they would reckon on laying between 250 and 270 tons of tarmac in a day.

Now we're gonna try and lay, how much is it?

Eleven hundred tons.

One thousand and one hundred tons in a day.

That's why we've got Hammond up at tarmac's

kind of quarry plant thing, up near town

to make sure the supplies keep coming.

The modern quarry is full of heavy part,

but actually it is all controlled by a computer.

Oh, mother of....

We've got / mixer and a pump

OK, stay calm.

I can do e-mails, I can do this lot, em.

Plainly he mastered it,

because soon the trucks began to arrive.

But unfortunately, the paving machine that lays the tarmac

was being driven by the slowest person in the world.

Wait, James.

What?

If a job is worth doing, it's worth doing quickly.

No, well.

Quickly.

Well.

Quickly.

Well.

Quickly.

Well.

Still, overall, things were moving along nicely.

Men of the D5481

things are looking good, I'm seeing machines moving about now.

Yeah, yes.

Err, now we're gonna pick up that later on

when obviously everything starts to go wrong.

Um now though,

now it's time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.

Now, since our guest tonight first came on the show,

he launched a campaign to improve school dinners

and has become really a saint

he now wields more political power than a president,

he glides through Hollywood parties like a film star,

interestingly though, he still talks like he's eating a pillow.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jamie Oliver.

Hello there.

Hello.

Have a seat,

it's nice of you to come back.

thank you very much.

very good.

this uh...this school dinner thing really has propelled you along.

you were just like "another chef",

and now you're national hero, a God, I tell you.

I take offence to that.

I was never just another chef, was I, guys?

there is a... I mean you could...

was I, guys?

anyway Gordon,

um...

it didn't go down well in Rotherham?

Rotherham? oh with those old birds putting the old err the Mac and cheese through the railings

Yeah, they were feeding their... what were they feeding their kids with? BigMacs?

That's right, coz we... they... they changed... the regulations came in,

they changed all the junk,

err and basically some moms started selling the junk food through the railings

but I was in Australia when I saw it,

it was on BBC world news,

and I just woke up literally,

and all I can see is like hundreds of hands coming through bars,

and these old...big old scrubbers poking stuff through there,

taking all their money and um...

I used to work in Rotherham...please

thing is, I¡¯m abso...

are you...you're absolutely convinced this is for real,

this "we've all got to eat more healthily",

I just think getting fat is actually evolution,

I am evolving into a more civilized being by being fatter.

yes.

which actually brings me onto an important point, dieting

yes.

- I've got a diet, impossible. - OK.

well what are you eating for crying...

Food, well now I mean when I diet,

I eat carrots and diet coke.

right

and that's it.

and it works, I lose weight,

but I faint all the time.

you faint all the time?

I do faint coz the problem I got Jamie,

genuinely, I walk into a supermarket

yes?

and you look at food and think: what's fattening and what isn't

Uh, well I think you know... you can try and simplify it,

uh for instance, if you cook, um... you know Jeremy,

that's a lot healthier than buying sort of pre-packed food

also if you like chili,

chili speeds up your metabolism by 25%,

uh and also you can get high on it,

which is great, and it's legal,

go raving, nice.

I¡¯m all over chili, mate.

So if I put chili in my diet coke?

I grew a load of chili this year,

and I grew the hottest in the world and I¡¯m telling ya, hoho.

coz there is another thing,

you do grow quite a lot of your organic...

- yeah, the last 3 years, yeah.
- what?

- about 5% of the stuff to 15 - it's impossible

it's not impossible

yes it is.

Li...listen, if I, I¡¯ve never grown anything until 3 years ago,

like like...it...uh, the first year, I didn't know what I was doing,

just by putting seeds in mud,

you'd amazed, 80% of the stuff grows into something,

you have to be a complete idiot to not grow anything

I planted a field of barley last year

Barley?

Barley

What are you planting barley for?

- If you really want to know, it was to attract a certain type of bird, - grow potatoes and beans

which I like, I...I¡¯m a RSPB member,

don't mention that to...

please don't say that.

- and I want to... a bit...
- are you a twitcher?

shhh, please,

the thing is, I grew this but I thought:

I won't put any fertilizer on it coz that'll poison the birds,

it grew to this long and was bright grey,

it's costed me a fortune

and I just think fertilizer works, fertilizer is good

- no no
- it is.

Don't spray the ground

Why?

Coz it just wrecks all the microbes and their organisms

and the stuff that goes on

on and a lot of it are versions of poisons,

you just don't know what you...

Yes, but who knows? there was something I bought the other day,

it was organic,

do you know what it had been fertilized with?

Crap

- yes, human excrement from Mexicans
- Not human, it's illegal

- it is, Mexicans can crap on your food, and then they...
- no.

It's organic,

- they're all out in the fields,
- no.

With some subras and ponchos on, defecating on your bananas

Can I just say,

if your introduction into growing stuff

and all the wonderful things that makes you feel good about,

if your introduction is barley, no wonder you're miserable.

it is complicated though,

eating well is complicated.

I mean my donkey died the other day,

do I eat it?

Have you ever eaten a donkey?

It was Jeffery, man.

you can't...

- I know you could make sausage
- a little bit of rosemary, a bit of time,

A bit of garlic, tenderize it,

you know, 170 for about 6 hours, it will be lovely.

especially the tail.

can we talk about cars?

yes, let's talk about cars.

You came down here obviously primarily, I know

I wanted to beat Gordon,

let's be honest about it, make...

Coz Gordon is at the top

And he got a really good speed as well,

which was 46.3,

um last time I came on the show,

it was just after Gordon,

and we both got 1:50 in the old moaner

in the old car, exactly.

And I kinda maintain pride by at least joining him,

I was so geared up this week

You were, he actually said, can I come down early to practice

coz I really wanna beat Gordon.

Yeah.

And this was the scene that greeted him when he got here, early.

There it is,

there are the cars,

ready for you to go out in them.

We did wait for the snow to fall,

and you went out, ok?

who'd like to see...

well I think we just got one bit of practice here,

would you like to see that?

[crowd]Yeah.

Let's play the tape of Jamie having a bit of bash here,

oh coming up...where are we?

bound to be the second to last corner,

catches everybody out and yes it is, nice line through...

oh no, that's wrong

oh no no no oh

Bring out the new car.

And that was , that was the end of that car then

yeah, I, I actually... I... it was, I think

totaled it

I think the wheel, broken radiator and suspension, so

No worries

- we'll have it fixed for next week, - sorry.

after that, ok? after that,

you were ready to do your lap

yes

ok? Gordon to beat,

- which is what?1:46...
- I never, I just doubt it so much

Who'd like to see his lap?

[crowd]yes

Here we go, let's have a look.

Well, it looks like you've been off in this one as well

yes, I had

here we go, looking keen,

how is the old car? compared to the old old one?

it's a little bit faster on the faster bits

- it is. - but it's still a hair dryer

that's a nice line through that

thank you Jeremy.

I am very brilliant

Oh you...though you say so yourself,

around Chicago, here we go again,

looking good

this power cuts out,

this is a piece of crap, this car.

then you'll find that's called a rev-limiter,

most cars have it,

- oh, a bit of understeer there - Look at that lean

- you are towing around most of Surrey underneath there
- That's so tight though, isn't it?

That was... actually that was very good,

that was well rescued from the last understeer,

did you lift here?

You do...

Do look like special needs sometimes Jamie, there,

there we go...

I actually spent most of my school years in special needs, Jeremy

Yes, and there we are,

so that's...oh that's a good one,

and around the last one into Gambon,

- you got into 2nd,
- go on go on go on...

always a risk,

but come on, come on, come on,

nice one, nice one.

now plainly and obviously,

Gordon did have a sticky hot grippy day

so you're not gonna beat him,

so where do you think, bearing in mind...

well if I can't Gordon then at least let me be right up his arse.

I don't know what to say now,

ok this is the fastest wet lap we've had,

Philip Glenister 1:54.3 ,

these are super hot laps

excuse me, we're talking about wet laps,

does everyone in the audience not think that snow has a di... slightly different context?

- I'm sorry, I don't recall seeing snow there.
- Well...

It wasn't snowing!

It was wet.

Ah...

You're having a "wet"

Put "w/s"

Wet,

and you did it...

You've changed, Jeremy.

Wet lap, 1 minute,

Well that's sort of a relief.

40,

7 point 7 seconds

Oh so close, oh so close

The fast...that is an astonishing time,

genuinely.

We were absolutely staggered, the Stig...

ah

Melted snow,

- which is water.
- That's pretty good, though, isn't it?

It's better than pretty good,

honestly and genuinely

the Stig is just standing open...well we think he's open mouthed

it's hard to say, just can't believe how good you were. It's...

All credits to the Stig I say.

No, all credits to you, all credits to the fact

that somehow it seems that Britain's fastest people are chefs.

-Come on!
- Heaven knows why.

just to massage my ego,

coz you know, our chefs are quite competitive,

what I want to know

is what does wet/melting snow... what... in seconds what does that give me back?

I would say,

and I¡¯m really sorry about this Gordon

coz I know you're watching like this,

four.

(SING) Come on now!

And then miraculously in the edit...

Oh just, just for today,

- just, just keep it there, just for today.
- I'll leave it up there just for today

anyway, there you go, Jamie Oliver!

Thank you.

Now

Now, this is a Jaguar XK8.

We drove it on the last series and we loved it.

But we always sort of knew that it was a support actor really

a kind of warm-up man for the main event,

the supercharged XKR,

which I haven't been driving.

Jeremy selflessly protected me from that one.

This is it.

It has big wheels

vents in the bonnet

brushed aluminum gills and a sort of

stubbly Coulthardy chin

So you can think of it as the standard car with cufflinks and a nice watch

You've got to say, it looks good.

In profile especially, it's just stunning.

Sadly however I can't say the same for the interior.

I'm sorry but this just doesn't feel

like a 73,000 pound car. I mean...

Mercedes give you seats that massage you as you drive along

and BMW gives you i-Drive

All I've got in here,

a sort of five acres of

tin-foil.

The supercharged 4.2 litre V8 is a bit disappointing too.

Because it's pretty much exactly the same as the

supercharged 4.2 litre V8 they put in the old XKR.

Merck gives us a new engine every five minutes.

Audi designed a whole new V8 while I was just saying that.

But Jag's been making this one for nearly ten years now.

So come on, chop, chop!

Yes it generates 420 BHP, but...

Merck is now making engines with 520 BHP,

and BMW isn't far behind.

The only good thing is that the XKR is quite light.

So while it doesn't have a shed-load of power, it's still¡

quite fast.

You pass 60 miles an hour in 4.9 seconds.

You pass 100 in 13 seconds, and that's good.

But imagine how good it would be if it had more POWER!

Now you might think at this point

"Well there you go, it's a half-arse car made by a cash strapped company"

"and that it is no match for its German rivals."

Then you'd be wrong, because this car¡

is brilliant!

The standard car sounds pretty good

but this is deeper, ruder.

Like Tom Jones gaggling in NASCAR.

And then is the handling.

It has got an absolutely fabulous chassis.

It is the easiest car in the world to drive if you are lunatic.

Honestly I know of nothing else that's this good for

slithering about the smoke pouring off the back end.

Look here we go.

Sliding, still sliding, still sliding, no danger, still sliding.

I mean that's doing power slides at like 110 mph, easily!

This is just¡

makes a BMW or a Mercedes look like they're made of wood.

And the great thing is that, when you take your

looney-tunes hat off, and just settle down.

It becomes all quite and comfortable.

It really is Dr. Jimmy and Mr. Jim.

Yes

it has less power and fewer toys than its German rivals.

And it's made with less satisfactory ingredients.

But it is a damn sight cheaper and I'm sorry to keep hopping on about this,

a damn sight better looking as well.

I know that is a particularly horrible colour.

But imagine it in silver or black.

And then imagine walking away from it and buying a Mercedes or a BMW instead.

I'm not sure I could.

Ah. Yes you're thinking this is all very interesting.

But what about the Jag's main rival, its sister,

This.

The Aston Martin V8 Vantage.

It's even better looking than the Jag,

and that's just the start.

It's also even louder.

It's harder too,

much more aggressive,

much more taut and angry.

And it's an Aston Martin,

which is a royal flush to the Jag's two pairs

The thing is though, as you...

stir away on the manual gearbox and you...

ride the wave of noise

feel the grip from these super sticky Pirelli tires,

you realize,

you ain't actually pulling away from the Jaguar.

Feels like I'm going faster,

sounds like I'm going faster,

and my heart is certainly beating faster.

But, my rear view mirror is still full of Jag.

You must imagine that flat out in a straight line,

the Aston will pull away 'cause the Jag's limited to 155,

but haha¡

we tested one the other day and the Jag sailed up to 175.

So, while the Aston is more exciting,

the Jaguar is more powerful.

It's also 12,500 ponds less expensive.

It's more comfortable.

It's better equipped with goodies like full leather and satellite navigation.

And it's got two small seats in the back.

So it's a bit more practical as well.

Emotionally then, this car beats anything from Mercedes and BMW

and on points

it beats its sister as well.

It is quite simply,

spectacular!

Yeah. And you know¡

That's what I was actually filming¡

I was actually making that film the day you crashed.

Yeah, a much better day than I did though.

Well, that's because I am a better driver.

- Whatever.
- I just¡ I just stayed on the gravel.

Anyway, listen. You know that thing I said about¡

You'd buy this because it's got two extra seats in the back.

- Yeah, yeah.
- The Aston hasn't got any.

- Irrelevant.
- Why?

Because while you're away, OK, imagining that you're a dog.

- Chicken.
- Chicken. Whatever, OK.

The EU had said that now if you're your height, you've got to have like a booster seat.

- No seriously, they have.
- Yeah.

I know it came to here.

The thing is that to fit in there you got to be your height,

but now you've got to have a seat.

- Yeah?
- Which means you aren't gonna fit.

Oh, you'll be too big with a booster seat...

And no one will ever be able to get in the back.

That's gonna be the same for all these 2+2s with tiny little back seats then

Exactly, the EU's rendered them useless, so you might as well buy the Aston on that front.

Thing is though, I do still really adore this car.

And now we've gotta find out how fast it goes round our track.

And that of course means handing it over to our tame racing driver.

Some say he once threw a microwave oven at a tramp,

and that long before anyone else he realized that Jade Goody was

a racist pig-faced waste of blood and organs.

But he didn't.

All we know is he's called the Stig.

And he's off.

We can hear the super charger whining over that thunderous V8 base line.

Just look how wet it is out there.

Ok Stig ploughs fearlessly into that corner.

Radio: I change my mind.

I want the chance to spend the rest of my life, loving you.

Oh dear, the Stig seems to have developed a taste for romantic fiction on CD.

OK, he's through Chicago, sliding around like a go-cart.

Here he is coming into Hammerhead.

Plagues of melted snow every where.

Is he gonna understeer? Not a bit of it. Look at that!

You see there is no car that drifts like this one.

With the backward plaining.

Radio: With her own golden haired ruddy faced Archilles

He's really got the hammer down now.

you see the car twitching over the standing water. Stig isn't faced.

Maybe it's 'cause his home planet is quite swampy.

Err¡penultimate to the corner,

dips into the grass, Gambon now,

hard in, chucks it side ways

and across the line!

Now

he did it...

in 1:34.7,

which is obvious pathetic, but I think it was really very very very wet.

Err.. we were gonna put the Aston round afterwards,

but it started to snow again, so don't blame us

Err... 'cause we didn't bother,

don't blame the Stig do what every one else does.

And just blame Global Warming.

Now earlier on we set out on a mission

to demonstrate that roadworks needn't take so long

Warwickshire council reckoned it will take 5 days to resurface a 1.5 mile stretch of the D5481.

But we reckoned, by working hard, and not get all tangled up in Health and Safty

We could do it in just 24 hours

And when we left the action it was going really rather well I thought.

Hammond here was down at the quarry keeping up a steady stream of fresh tarmac

I was driving a paver laying it on the road

and Jeremy was fulfilling the vital role

of shouting at everyone down a megaphone.

Come on! Put it back into it.

You, man, here, let me show you.

But then all of a sudden everything went wrong.

Run out of tarmac!

What do you mean you've run out?

For Hammonds lorry's not here.

We need a thousand tons.

And his lorry load only does that little stretch there.

And if he doesn't get it here quick enough

that bitumen stuff goes off and it won't stick.

Hammond we're out!

We've done 100 feet.

How many trucks have you got working on this?

We've got three in here now

We've got one be loaded one on the way bridge that I can see.

And I am... I can't get anymore in it.

You've only got five trucks? Right.

Are there any other roadwork's going on today?

- What? That we can nick their tarmac?
- Yeah.

I like your thinking there. that's quite devious.

Nick their tarmac.

Your next job, do you know where it's going?

Is it going to... You see that's not our road

Well that's useless. Send it to us.

Just don't send it to them. We need it.

Crack now to the max. And change that calendar.

It's far too calming and relaxing.

Move! Come on! Go!

Fast, Get on with it!

Hahahh, another one.

I cracked the whip

and even introduced an incentive scheme.

I want you to go like the wind, OK?

I'll pay you speeding fines.

But the fact remained that the quarry was an hour away.

And Hammond only had five trucks.

That wasn't enough.

The main reason why roadworks take a long time

is because the trucks just don't come regularly enough.

- That guy that... you're working with.
- Yeah.

He said he's worked till the way it is now for 32 years

24 of which has been standing around waiting for the trucks.

We told Hammond this.

We said to Hammond it's the only important thing: keep the trucks coming.

The tarmac did continued to dribbled in,

but far too slowly, and then

Back at the quarry

What's killed it? Why is it stopped?

Emergency stop.

Why is it in the emergency stop? There is no...

Who's lent, we've lent on the what?

- Who's...
- Your man.

The camera man lent... we lent on the emergency...

You stopped the plant?

Yeah, we sort of hit the emergency stop a bit.

Why have you done that?

Well this was a bloody accident, wasn't it.

I didn't do it on purpose.

Richard, Richard, Richard

I'm gonna make a suggestion: Don't come back here.

Don't... don't come back,

go away, go to Tierra del...

Tierra del Fuego, and even I'm gonna hunt you down and kill you there as well.

Men at the D5481

This is our darkest hour

We will not allow Adolf Hammond

to ruin our plans for this great, this wonderful, this magnificent...

Shut up!

We buried the Health and Safety man

While we waited for the quarry to restart.

But it didn't

It was five o'clock, knocking-off time.

And they'd all gone home.

We've shut down the plant, that...

That's it. We can't work anymore.

Well, your friends're on a 35-hour week

Most jobs would stop at this point.

But we used our initiative and found a new quarry that would stay open through the night.

Where is it? This new one?

- Ashbourne
- Ashbourne?

- That's in Kent.
- In Derbyshire.

If I go over to Ashbourne with the other plant?

Don't go to Ashbourne, don't go anywhere near a quarry.

You're ruining it.

And then just as we were getting on top of things.

In the immortal words of Basil Fawlty: "Oh spiffing!"

If a storm broke it wouldn't matter how much tarmac came.

'Cause we wouldn't be able to lay it.

Plainly, a speech was in order.

We shall not go quietly into the night.

We are faced diversity in the day shift, but...

As night fell, the rain came.

And in a normal roadworks that would be that.

But I refused to let anyone stop

Because the second quarry had just started to deliver.

This is a sight to warm the cockles of your heart.

- Marvelous.
- Men working at night.

You're always hearing people say that 'I went to Japan and they work through the night.'

'I went to Switzerland, they work through the night.'

Here we are in England and we're working through the night.

And to make sure that people of Bidford got their work done quickly

We've been working through our supper break as well.

Can I have Cod and chips, 75 times

- And a butter sausage.
- Yes, thank you.

- Chips!
- Ohh!

Yeah, but don't just grab them, I got to hand them out, I got a job for you.

- Can you hand out the wipes?
- Yeah.

- That'll appreciate...
- There you go.

While Richard was getting supper,

I'd installed another motivational tool to keep everyone spirits up.

The night is dark, the road is long.

And we are far from our families.

But don't worry,

Gentlemen at D5481,

Because I have music to take us through the night!

Chech it out!

It's put me off the sausage.

/One-all, James.

This is how you run roadworks

Good fish and chips, good music

No Health and no Safty.

I just think that this is the happiest roadwork crew

working in the land right now anywhere.

The guys also like the willingness of the bosses to muck in.

And with that in mind, James and Richard took over the roller.

You've got to, just overlap the edge of this.

If I go too far over the edge just stick it in the verge, and then you've got to..

No, God, bugger

You've run over the stop cock you cock.

I heard it go clanging.

Woo, that's bad, we are gonna in trouble.

Who are we gonna tell about this?

Ahh. Well, what we could do is take steamroller.

- And just keep going?
- Yeah.

At 4 am, there were still 700 yards to go.

And the men were flagging.

So, I brought out the motivational big gun

... another Winter of discontent?

This is... Mrs Thatcher

- Yeah.
- To motivate the men.

This is going well.

And I hope it will be followed by a Winter of common sense.

Yes, I like that one.

Don't encourage him, man, this is...

The chaps however were not telegraph readers like James

So I promised them that the sooner they finish the laying the sooner I'll switch her off.

That worked, and by day break the road was resurfaced

But there were still only time for a quick power breakfast.

Why do tramps live in London?

- When there is all this out here.
- Yeah.

We'd promised the people of Bidford they'd have their road back by 9:07

And there was still much to do

The plants needed clearing

Hammond needed to get the signs back up.

And James and I had the white lines to paint.

Look, that's a little bit, OK?

- That perfect.
- It isn't.

Hahhaha..

We did our best,

but the men from the council didn't seem impressed.

Hehahaha..

We had made a terrible mess of the lines and with the clock ticking

we ram to see Hammond,

who've made a even bigger mess with his signs.

The hill is there,

And that's... you're going that way.

They should be facing that way.

You're right, I'm just telling people they've just been around some bends.

- And down a hill.
- Go away, leave me lone.

Alright.

As it turned out, he's done them all wrong.

And we had just ten minutes to put them right.

Oh, bloody hell!

- Did you do this stuff? - Yeah.
- Right, stand back.

How did you do it...

- There you go. Perfect.
- There. That's it, finished.

- Open road!
- Right.

I've been wanting to do this for a long time.

Oh, come on!

I'm coming.

You're the one who's been shouting all day.

So there you are. People of Bidford-on-Avon in just under one day,

your road is open.

Glad to be of service.

If we can do that... If we can do that.

They should be able to do that.

Really we do have some Top Gear top tips here for the construction industry.

Work fast,

Eat blackberries

Get 100 trucks, not 5.

Yeah, and fit that paving machine thing with a turbo charger

- Yeah, and don't let him drive it
- No, don't do that.

Anyway, now, it's the moment

you've all been waiting for.

Devena is live on state of the Big Brother.

winner is about to be announced.

Here on BBC2 however we got our little fella's car crash

So come on mate, talk us through it.

Oh Ok. Well, and look, we got some video of it we never looked.

Here is umm.. Here's before it happened.

This is the car. It's called the Vampire.

Basically it's just a socking great jet engine with a chair bolted to the front of it.That's it.

So is it high tech?

Yes, it's fairly high tech.

The engine, the jet engine, comes out of a Red Arrow.

The steering box is from a Reliant Robin.

And the fuel pumps from a cement mixer.

Oh, that's the airfield where I was gonna be driving it.

- See, that's in Elvington near York.
- Oh, it's complicated.

There is of course one thing you really don't want when you're doing this sort of stuff up a runway.

Like that one. Cross winds.

Yeah, there was a bit of breeze.

Oh that was me getting in it, you see.

At there and...

And then I got a briefing from the man who built it.

So my challenge today is to drive this thing,

except, that's not the full story

Because my challenge today is to drive this thing and hit this innocent-looking little button.

Because when I do that, it sends a flame, shooting through the engine

which ignites the afterburner.

And when that happens I haven't got 5,000 horse power,

I've got, 10,000 horse power,

I'm possibly the biggest accident, you've ever seen in your life.

I bet when you said that,

it was one of those...

Yeah!

Pathetic, very pathetic.

And I bet when you said that you thought

it's one of those snappy lines to make this look a bit more dangerous than it really is.

It's exactly what I thought when I said it.

Can I just qualify something about it? Is it...

It doesn't have like a throttle in the accelerator.

- Like a normal car.
- No, a jet car. No, it is complete different to drive.

There is no clutches or such.

You just turn the engine up to what you want with the knob on the dash.

That's before you set off.

Yeah, you do that when you start it, you leave it.

So there is no accelerator.

You pull away by just taking you foot off the footbrake.

You don't touch that again.

So when you're going along, what you've got is a steering wheel

and a lever to stop the engine and pull the parachute.

So it's quite simple.

Oh, it's easier to control than your chair, mate.

Ok, well, let's have a look what happened next.

Let us get these, err... just keep your arms through there.

What're they for?

These are arm strands

Uh, in event if you're going upside down.

They'll stop your arms coming out of the cockpit

I don't want to go upside down.

Throttle

Set to half.

OK, so ignition

Bloody hell fire.

That's a jet's engine.

Holy crap.

This is terrifying!

Here we go. This is it.

Oh my god.

The feel's just unbelievable. And it's vibrating.

Oh my God, Oh my God!

I can feel it pulling to the right!

I'm on the black tarmac.

/ / to use the parashute, I need a parachute

That...

is...

Oh, it's amazing.

Ah... (DEEP BREATH)

Ahhh!

I just want to go faster.

More speed.

How quick was that.

Eh, that's 220.4.

- 220.
- Yeah.

Now we are achieving...

pretty close to that kind of speed now on our own runway here.

So what's the difference you say a Lambo here and that?

It's just the way the jet engine delivers the power.

You're aware that there is so much of it.

Just a huge amount of power going on.

So it's a sensation of that more than the actual speed.

How did you know though when to pull the parachute lever.

En, well we just put some cones out on the runway so...

You see I would have pull it much sooner than that.

I'm off! It's gone.

I'd pulled it before I set off. Just in case.

With hindsight, yeah. Bet... better idea perhaps.

OK, so next time it was the afterburner.

Yes, absolutely.

And you can see that in the film, can you?

Yeah, you'll see you'll know when it's lit because this flame's coming out of the back of the engine.

OK. Now I have to explain to everybody in case you don't know

An afterburner is really only fits to the fastest military jets.

Or, and Concord, actually, for that matter.

A Harrier jump jet, for instance, doesn't have one.

Ok, it's not deemed necessary for that.

But he was about to light one in a car.

Yeah.

Well I wanted to do this,

And now I am.

I've emm... I'd be lying if I said I wasn't

quite scared.

However...

I think it's the fact that once you started, that's it.

You don't mess about with the throttle. Once it go, you go.

That's, you know... commitment.

Here we go, here we go, here we go, come on.

This is it. I've got to be going.

Ohh Hahaaaa!

You /

Yes, I can't describe. I...

I think I'm gonna cry.

I'm not joking.

Every part of my body is full...

of adrenaline

Oh, yes.

I'm so alive. I'm so alive.

Now that looked really quick.

That was quicker. That was 314 miles an hour.

And that is the fastest anyone's actually traveled in Britain before, isn't it?

Well, technically, I suppose it is.

'Cause I think the British land speed record is 301 miles an hour.

- In that car?
- Yes.

- Nobody's gonna beat it.
- No, probably not now. No.

But to be an official record, you've got do

another run in the other direction then take an average of the 2 speeds.

The worse we know from telemetry that that was 314,

- Oh yeah!
- that's the fastest anyone's ever traveled.

Oh yeah, but it's not, you know, official record.

So what's it feel like?

Eh, fast.

Eh, it's... I weren't trying to set a record.

I just wanted to get really really fast.

- But you did 314
- Yeah.

- and you wanted to know what it was like to go really fast.
- Yeah.

So you'd found out.

Why didn't you just get in your car and go home?

I don't know really.

Emm, the thing is that run that you just saw

that was at 5 o'clock and we had the runway until 5:30.

And...

I know now obviously,

Eh, I don't know, I think it's a bit like, you know, when you were a kid,

and you are out playing with your mates.

And then your Mom would shout for you to come in for your tea.

And you just pushing a bit and keep going a bit longer.

And that's always when you fall out of the tree.

With hindsight again, yes

Well, alright. I suppose this it is then, isn't it really now?

This is what happened next, yeah.

It was all over quite quickly so

do it again in slow motion.

You can see the moment when the tire goes.

It's still doing 288 miles an hour here.

But then it's off. It's away.

I think it's about 0.4 of a second really from the tire blowing to it all going wrong.

Then when it digs in on the grass, the car rolls.

It's still doing 230 when it's upside down on the grass

which is so... here now it's still doing 230 mph when it's upside and down.

Then it flips a bit.

And then it settles down.

And the rollbar digs into the ground along with my head. And that stops it very quickly,

Indeed.

Oh, thank you.

The tragedy is, that would be

the fastest car crash ever in Britain.

But Guinness Book of Records' people saying you got do it going in the other direction.

I don't want the record. It's not what I want.

So you've come away with no record at all

for having done that. That's a bit of a tragedy.

The thing is though, can I just ask,

you can see again in the crash run,

Ok, your last run.

The tire is starting to come apart.

Ok, if we watch this you can see it, look at it, on the right end tyre.

Look there.

Now

I'm sorry mate,

why didn't you spot that.

Well...

I hadn't known all. I was doing 288 miles an hour.

I can have a lot.

I'm in the office the kids are shouting, I'm writting a story and I'm on the phone.

If a lion walks in I'm going to notice it.

It was 0.4 of a second from the tire started to go to the accident started.

I could have held it.

What, in the world's longest power slide?

Whilst telling us about the price and there was no room in the boot?

- Easy-peasy.
- Yeah.

The problem is

fundamentally you weren't wearing your EU booster seat.

You were too low and you couldn't see it.

If I had a booster seat on,

my head would have come off when it rolled eventually.

Have you read the highway codes?

Well, I didn't have a copy with me.

Because it quite plainly says here,

When the car goes out of control, steer into the skid.

He's right.

Look, the expert guys that did the telemetry that was on the car

you know the computers and stuff,

they said I had the reactions of a fighter pilot.

They didn't say it was a World War I fighter pilot.

Riding-my-Sopwith-Camel-wooden-controls fighter pilot, exactly.

No, I think we could sit here as we have done for the last few months to take the Mickey out of you.

The fact is though I would just like to say:

you were very brave to getting in that thing.

It's not something I would have done. It certainly not something he would have done.

But more than that I think you've just performed a miracle

and really brave getting well and getting back on the show again.

Thanks mate.

You've...

You just been nice to me.

I promise, I promise I'll never do it again, ever.

Good, talking about things will never happen again

That we never mention that crash on Top Gear again.

- Never.
- Ever.

You up for that?

- What?
- Never gonna mention the crash.

There you go.

We will never mention that crash again. That's a promise.

We won't mention it now 'cause that is the end of the show.

The thing is though we have learned an important lesson today. Thanks to Richard.

Do please remember. Speed kills.

See you next week. Take care. Thanks for watching.

Top Gear S09E01
TransGear subtitle team
The Sim-Race Federation of China
www.srfc.com.cn