Original subtitles

THE THINGS WE DO IN THE FAIR NAME OF DUTY.

OH, RELAX, JAMES. IT CAN'T BE ALL THAT BAD.

YOUR INSTRUCTIONS WERE

TO MEET A VERY ATTRACTIVE, YOUNG LADY.

WITH YOUR LUCK, PROBABLY TURN OUT TO BE CLEOPATRA

OR HELEN OF TROY.

YEAH, I'M SURE.

WELL, WE BETTER START CIRCULATING.

HAVE A NICE TIME, ARTIE.

I'LL MEET YOU BACK AT THE TRAIN.

THANK YOU, JAMES.

DON JUAN? IS THAT YOU?

REALLY YOU?

HOW CAN I KNOW FOR SURE?

LET A RED ROSE SPEAK OF MY LOVE FOR YOU.

OH, HOW LOVELY.

DON JUAN, WHY DON'T WE...

DON JUAN!

DON JUAN, SPEAK TO ME.

LET A RED ROSE SPEAK OF MY LOVE FOR YOU.

AND A WHITE ROSE ANSWER FOR MINE.

I THOUGHT I'D NEVER FIND YOU. WHAT NOW?

FOLLOW ME.

GOOD, MY LORD, DRINK AND FIND PEACE

AT THE BOTTOM OF THE GOBLET.

ANGELS AND MINISTERS OF GRACE DEFEND US.

HA HA HA HA!

I THINK WE'RE BEING FOLLOWED.

TAKE ME IN YOUR ARMS

AND KISS ME AS THOUGH YOU MEAN IT.

NOT THAT I'M COMPLAINING,

BUT WHAT'S THE REASON FOR ALL THE SECRECY?

NOW, WHAT WERE YOU SAYING?

FUNNY, I DON'T REMEMBER.

IN ANY EVENT, LET'S NOT LINGER.

GET IN, QUICKLY!

AFTER YOU.

GET IN!

YOU HIT?

YEAH.

THIS WAY.

OHHH!

PERHAPS YOU'LL EXPLAIN WHAT YOU'RE DOING HERE.

CERTAINLY, BUT FIRST, THIS MAN...

CORPORAL HAYDEN.

HE'S WOUNDED.

WOUNDED, YOU SAY?

HE'S DEAD.

SOUND THE DRUM.

ALAS, YORICK, NOW I KNOW HOW CAESAR FELT

WHEN HE WAS DELAYED ON THE WAY TO THE FORUM.

TELL ME, SIR, ARE YOU BRUTUS OR CAESAR?

"WHEN BEGGARS DIE, NO COMETS ARE SEEN."

AH, HE'S CASSIUS, THE ASSASSIN.

"BUT THE HEAVENS THEMSELVES

"BLAZE FORTH THE DEATH OF PRINCES.

GOOD NIGHT, SWEET PRINCE."

AS LONG AS YOU'RE MIXING HAMLET AND CAESAR,

WOULD NOT A BETTER QUOTE HAVE BEEN,

"LET US CARVE HIM AS A DISH FOR THE GODS,

NOT HUE HIM AS A CARCASS FIT FOR HOUNDS"?

HA HA HA!

NOW THEN, SIR, WHO ARE YOU?

MY NAME IS JAMES WEST.

I'M WITH THE UNITED STATES SECRET SERVICE.

INDEED!

AND WHO INVITED YOU HERE?

I DID, FATHER.

DID YOU, NOW?

WHAT A TOUCHING THING

FOR A BLUSHING MAIDEN TO DO--

ASKING HER YOUNG MAN TO VISIT THE FAMILY CIRCLE.

IF I'D HAVE KNOWN YOU WERE COMING,

I'D HAVE SEEN TO IT THAT THE PARLOR WAS TIDIED,

WITH FRESH ANTIMACASSARS PUT ON THE FURNITURE.

YOUR DAUGHTER WROTE TO US

THAT YOU KNOW THE WHEREABOUTS

OF COLONEL TACITUS MOSELY.

YOU TOLD HIM WHERE?

NO. ONLY THAT YOU KNEW.

I SEE.

AND SINCE I KNOW WHERE OUR QUARRY'S FINALLY RUN TO,

IT FOLLOWS NATURALLY

THAT I WILL DUTIFULLY INFORM MY GOVERNMENT, IS THAT IT?

HUH.

MR. WEST, YOU'VE WASTED YOUR TIME COMING HERE.

TACITUS MOSELY...

A REPTILE WHO MASQUERADED AS A CONFEDERATE OFFICER

DURING THE WAR.

WHO'S CONDUCT AT THE SUSQUEHANNA

PRISONER-OF-WAR DETENTION CAMP

WHEN HE WAS A COMMANDANT

WAS TOO OVERPOWERING TO DESCRIBE.

A MAN WHO PRIVATELY BOASTED THAT THE PRISONERS HE RULED

WERE JUST SO MUCH PRIME BEEF HERDED INTO A SLAUGHTER PEN.

AND TREATED THEM WORSE THAN IF THEY HAD BEEN.

AND WHO DISAPPEARED FROM SIGHT

WITH THE EASE OF A COIN DROPPED INTO MID-OCEAN

AS SOON AS THE CONFEDERATE HIGH COMMAND

FOUND OUT WHAT WAS GOING ON.

DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING MORE TO ADD, SIR?

POSTSCRIPT, AND A QUESTION.

DESPITE A CONTINUING SEARCH FOR MOSELY,

HE'S COMPLETELY DROPPED OUT OF SIGHT.

EXCELLENT POSTSCRIPT. THE QUESTION, SIR?

AND SINCE YOU KNOW WHERE HE IS,

WHY WON'T YOU HELP US BRING HIM TO JUSTICE?

IT OCCURS TO ME

THAT WE'VE NEVER BEEN PROPERLY INTRODUCED.

CHINA, MY IMPETUOUS DAUGHTER, YOU ALREADY MET.

LIEUTENANT MABERLY...

SERGEANT COPE...

PRIVATE STEINLEN...

PRIVATE CARTER...

LIEUTENANT QUIST.

I'M MAJOR HAZARD.

MY DAUGHTER EXCEPTED, YOU'RE LOOKING AT

THE SURVIVING MEMBERS OF THE BROTHERHOOD OF HELL.

THE ALUMNI OF SUSQUEHANNA.

HONOR GRADUATES, IF YOU PLEASE.

AND WE CAN PROVE IT BY THE UNIQUE AWARDS

THAT WERE GIVEN BY MOSELY--

THE LEGS I NO LONGER HAVE,

THE STYLISH, EMPTY SLEEVES OF MABERLY AND COPE,

STEINLEN'S EMPTY SOCKETS,

WHERE SOME PEOPLE KEEP THEIR EYES.

AND LET'S NOT FORGET CARTER AND QUIST.

FOR THEM, EVERY DAY IS MARDI GRAS.

ONLY FOR THEM, THERE WILL NEVER BE AN UNMASKING--

NO FACES UNDERNEATH THEIR MASKS.

SO NOW MAYBE YOU KNOW WHY

I WILL NOT HELP YOU LAY YOUR HANDS ON MOSELY.

YOU WANT THE PLEASURE FOR YOURSELF.

YES!

AND WHEN YOU DO?

WE'VE HAD YEARS TO THINK, PLAN, AND REFINE

A MOST SUITABLE PUNISHMENT.

AND LOOK WHAT IT'S COST YOU.

FIRST, YEARS OF HOPELESS SEARCHING,

FOLLOWING UP EVERY VAGUE LEAD AND IDLE RUMOR.

A SMALL PRICE TO PAY.

AND THEN, WHEN WE TRACKED THE BEAST TO HIS LAIR,

AND HE KNEW THAT WE'D FOUND HIM OUT,

THEN THE BEAST TURNED ON US.

WE ACCEPTED THAT, CHINA.

AND SUDDENLY, ALL OUR DAYS AND NIGHTS

BECAME A THING OF RUNNING, HIDING,

LIVING LIKE A PACK OF RATS IN A SEWER

BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY WAY WE COULD SURVIVE.

WE ACCEPTED THAT, TOO.

GETTING COLONEL TACITUS MOSELY

WILL MAKE IT ALL WORTHWHILE, YOU'LL SEE.

ONLY YOU'LL NEVER GET HIM!

I WILL!

NEVER!

LOOK AT YOU!

YOU'RE A COLLECTION OF BROKEN TOYS

PITTING YOURSELVES AGAINST A MASTER KILLER

AND HIS PRIVATE ARMY OF KILLERS.

THAT'S WHY I'VE CALLED IN MR. WEST.

AND FOR THAT, I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU.

I DON'T CARE.

I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING

EXCEPT KEEPING YOU AND THE OTHERS

FROM THROWING YOUR LIVES AWAY.

WE WERE A MUCH LARGER ORGANIZATION ONCE, MR. WEST.

HERE'S OUR CASUALTY ROSTER.

YOU CAN SEE HOW THE BROTHERHOOD

IS CHIPPED AWAY BY MOSELY'S MEN.

SLATER, BRONSON, CARAWAY...

VANDENHOFF, GALT... McGOVERN.

MAY I RESPECTFULLY SUGGEST

THAT YOU BRING THIS ROSTER TO DATE

AND ADD THE NAME OF CORPORAL HAYDEN?

SO?

MR. WEST, THE IDEA OF DYING NEVER FRIGHTENED US.

WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, MAJOR,

MAYBE YOU'VE FORGOTTEN

THE FIRST RULE OF GOOD SOLDIERING.

A GOOD SOLDIER TRIES NOT TO DIE FOR HIS COUNTRY,

BUT TO SEE TO IT THAT THE ENEMY DIES FOR HIS.

SPARE ME YOUR HALF-BAKED HOMILY, SIR.

ALL RIGHT, BUT HASN'T YOUR BROTHERHOOD

SUFFERED ENOUGH?

MAJOR, TELL ME WHERE I CAN FIND MOSELY.

GIVE ME TWO DAYS, AND I PROMISE YOU,

I'LL HAVE HIM ANSWER BEFORE A COURT OF HIS PEERS

FOR EVERY CRIME HE'S COMMITTED.

GET THE BOX, CHINA.

TWO DAYS. REMEMBER.

THE REPTILE THAT WALKS LIKE A MAN

HAS BECOME A RESPECTABLE SQUIRE

WITH THE PASSING OF THE YEARS.

HIS NAME IS NOW DOUGLAS CRAIG,

MASTER OF A FINE, OLD SUGAR CANE PLANTATION--

"SHADOWS OF SUCRE"-- IN THE BAYOU COUNTRY.

TAKE ONE REPTILE, HAVE HIS OLD,

EASILY RECOGNIZABLE FACE OBLITERATED,

HAVE A NEW FACE FASHIONED WITH ARTISTRY AND CRAFT,

AND THIS IS WHAT COLONEL TACITUS MOSELY

LOOKS LIKE TODAY.

WELL, GOOD, OLD CASSIUS.

WHO?

THAT CHARACTER I RAN INTO LAST NIGHT

WITH THE ROMAN LEGION TYPES.

SO IT'S COLONEL MOSELY HIMSELF

WHO WAS TRYING TO HAVE ME FILLETED BY HIS BOYS, HUH?

TRIED TO KNOCK ME OFF, TOO.

HE HAD A BUSY NIGHT.

COLONEL, I THINK IT'S TIME WE PICKED HIM UP

AT THE PLANTATION.

NO.

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

CRAIG, MOSELY-- WHATEVER HE CALLS HIMSELF--

WE CAN'T GO BARGING INTO HIS PLANTATION

AND MAKE AN ARREST

UNTIL WE'RE SURE OF HIS IDENTITY.

YOU MEAN FILES FROM WASHINGTON,

WITNESSES, ET CETERA?

WHATEVER IT TAKES TO BE CERTAIN.

COLONEL, THAT COULD TAKE WEEKS.

PROBABLY.

WE DON'T HAVE WEEKS. WE'VE GOT TWO DAYS.

IF WE DON'T PICK UP MOSELY BY THEN,

A SMALL BAND OF MAIMED, HALF-CRAZY, OLD RELICS

WILL KILL THEMSELVES TRYING TO.

I CAN'T HELP THAT, JIM.

NOW LISTEN, GENTLEMEN,

EVER SINCE THE WORLD TOOK A SHOCKED LOOK

AT THE SUSQUEHANNA PRISONER-OF-WAR DETENTION CAMP

AND GOT SICK TO ITS COLLECTIVE STOMACH,

THERE'S BEEN AN EXTRAORDINARY COURT-MARTIAL BOARD

CONVENED IN WASHINGTON, STAFFED, READY, WAITING.

WAITING FOR THAT LONG-OVERDUE MOMENT

WHEN COLONEL MOSELY

IS FINALLY BROUGHT BEFORE THE BAR OF JUDGMENT.

NOW HERE IT IS

FROM BOTH BARRELS, GENTLEMEN, OFFICIALLY.

UNTIL THEN, BOTH OF YOU SIT TIGHT.

OFFICIALLY, THAT IS.

HE SAID IT.

ARTIE, WHERE WERE WE

BEFORE THE COLONEL INTERRUPTED?

YOU WERE CHARTING A COURSE, AS I RECALL.

RIGHT.

UP THIS ROAD...

AND TO SQUIRE MOSELY'S PLANTATION.

RAISE UP YOUR HANDS, MONSIEUR.

IT'S ALL RIGHT. MR. CRAIG IS EXPECTING ME.

HE DID NOT TELL ME.

GET OUT, QUICKLY...

BEFORE EMILE HERE LOSES HIS TEMPER

AND DO HORRIBLE THINGS.

EMILE'S A LITTLE HOT-TEMPERED, HUH?

YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE.

HE DO THINGS LIKE THIS...

AND THIS.

TAKE HIM!

COULDN'T AGREE WITH YOU MORE...

MR. CRAIG-- SO TO SPEAK.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ANYWAY?

WELL, I WAS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD,

SO I THOUGHT I'D JUST STOP BY FOR A CHAT, IF YOU DON'T MIND.

INDEED. WHAT ABOUT?

SHOES, SHIPS, CEILING WAX...SUSQUEHANNA.

COME IN, WON'T YOU, MR. WEST?

WELL, JUST FOR A MOMENT, COLONEL MOSELY.

BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER,

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT YOU'RE UNDER ARREST.

I'LL BE FRANK WITH YOU, MR. WEST.

YOU'RE EVERYTHING I FIND UNLIKABLE IN A MAN.

I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND MY SAYING SO.

PLEASE SIT DOWN, MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE.

THANK YOU. NO, NO, GO ON.

BUT I MUST SAY

THAT YOU'VE CARVED OUT A SMALL REPUTATION

FOR YOURSELF IN THAT DEPARTMENT.

BUT PLEASE, PLEASE, DO GO ON.

WELL, FOR INSTANCE, YOU'RE YOUNG,

AND I NO LONGER AM.

WELL, I APOLOGIZE FOR THAT.

A CERTAIN TYPE OF IMPRESSIONABLE FEMALE

PROBABLY STILL FINDS YOU ATTRACTIVE,

AND NEVER WAS THIS THE CASE WITH ME.

I APOLOGIZE FOR THAT, TOO.

AND I SUSPECT THAT YOU'RE NOT ENTIRELY

WITHOUT YOUR SHARE OF BRAINS, TOO.

ALL OF WHICH IS LEADING UP TO WHAT?

DRAFTY IN THIS BLASTED BARN.

ALL OF WHICH IS LEADING UP TO THIS--

YOU'RE BUMPTIOUS, COCKSURE,

UNBEARABLY AT PEACE WITH YOURSELF.

FOR INSTANCE, AGAIN, YOU CALLED ME "MOSELY,"

AND TOSSED IN THE WORD "SUSQUEHANNA,"

IMPLYING, OF COURSE, THAT I'M THE COLONEL MOSELY

WHO PRESIDED OVER THE ADMINISTRATION

OF THE SUSQUEHANNA PRISONER DETENTION CAMP

DURING THE WAR, OF COURSE.

AND YOU'RE NOT?

CAN YOU PROVE THAT I AM?

WHY DON'T YOU COME TO WASHINGTON WITH ME

AND PROVE THAT YOU'RE NOT?

HA! JUST LIKE THAT, EH?

IT'S THAT CLEAR IN YOUR MIND THAT I'D GET A FAIR TRIAL,

WITH ALL THE BUILT-IN PRESSURE TO FIND A SCAPEGOAT.

YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL...

OH, NO, NO, NO, MR. WEST.

IT'S MUCH TOO LATE FOR THAT.

YOU SHOULD HAVE OVERTURNED YOUR DRINK

BEFORE YOU SAMPLED IT.

IT'S SUCH A FUTILE THING FOR YOU TO DO, MR. WEST.

YOU SEE, BOTH DRINKS WERE HEAVILY LACED

WITH BELLADONNA, ONLY I'VE MANAGED TO WORK UP

A VERY RESPECTABLE TOLERANCE FOR THAT DRUG

THROUGH THE YEARS.

OH, MR. WEST, GLAD TO HAVE YOU WITH US AGAIN.

FIGURED OUT THE LITTLE DEVICE YET?

IT SEEMS PRETTY STRAIGHTFORWARD.

WHEN THE MINUTE HAND REACHES 12:00,

IT WILL COME IN CONTACT WITH THE LINE

ATTACHED TO THE FACE OF THE CLOCK.

NOW, SHOULD THAT MINUTE HAND HAVE A SHARP, CUTTING EDGE--

BY THE SHEEREST COINCIDENCE, IT DOES, YES.

IT WILL RELEASE THE LINE

AND THE WEIGHT WILL COME DOWN,

SMASHING THE BOTTLE.

YOU'RE GOING TO TELL ME

WHAT THE BOTTLE CONTAINS, AREN'T YOU?

WHY NOT? IT'S NAPHTHA, WITH A VIAL OF NITROGLYCERIN

SUSPENDED WITHIN THE LARGE JAR.

IT HAS ALWAYS CREATED AN INSTANT INFERNO

WHEN I'VE TRIED IT BEFORE.

BUT I MUST GO, WEST.

WHERE ONE SECRET AGENT HAS BEEN,

OTHERS WILL FOLLOW.

I'M SHREWD ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT.

BUT IT WILL BE A DISTINCT SOURCE OF COMFORT FOR ME

TO KNOW THAT YOU'LL BE SITTING HERE WAITING

AND WATCHING FOR THAT ECSTATIC MOMENT

WHEN THE LINE HAS BEEN SEVERED

AND YOU'LL BE ENGULFED

IN YOUR OWN PERSONAL LITTLE INFERNO.

IT SOUNDS VERY EXCITING,

BUT HOW IS ELIMINATING ME GOING TO SOLVE YOUR PROBLEM?

OH, PLEASE UNDERSTAND, MR. WEST,

IT IS NOT YOU WHO WILL SHORTLY BE INCINERATED.

OFFICIALLY, IT WILL BE MY REMAINS

THAT WILL BE FOUND THERE.

I SEE. SO YOU ASSUME THAT BY DISAPPEARING ONCE AGAIN,

THE SEARCH FOR YOU WILL FINALLY COME TO AN END.

YOU'LL EXCUSE ME IF I DON'T LINGER, MR. WEST.

I HAVE SOME PACKING TO TAKE CARE OF.

SORRY I'M A LITTLE BIT LATE, JIM,

BUT THERE WAS A PARTITION

BACK THERE IN THAT SECRET PASSAGEWAY

WHICH DIDN'T SHOW UP IN THE BLUEPRINT.

BELIEVE ME, ARTIE, I WASN'T BORED.

YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT THAT.

THERE WE ARE.

WHO THE DEVIL ARE YOU?

WHO THE DEVIL ARE YOU?

YOU SEE, JIM?

IT IS JUST A QUESTION OF ROUGHING UP THE VOICE

A LITTLE BIT,

AND MAKING MY SPEECH PATTERN

A TINY BIT MORE TERSE.

I'M SURE THAT IF I DO THAT,

I CAN DUPLICATE HIS SPEECH EXACTLY.

NOW ALL WE NEED IS A CONTAINER

TO TRANSPORT HIM IN.

BEAUTIFUL!

Bon, bon. C'est bon.

WHY DON'T YOU DELIVER THE MERCHANDISE, JIM?

I'LL GET BOTH HORSES AND FOLLOW.

Bon!

YAH!

JUST PUT IT RIGHT DOWN THERE, PLEASE, MEN.

THANK YOU.

HERE YOU ARE.

BYE.

YOU'RE SURE HE'S NOT DEAD IN THAT BOX?

NO, HE'S NOT DEAD.

HE'LL BE HIS OLD, REPULSIVE SELF

LONG BEFORE WE REACH WASHINGTON.

OH, WELL, ABOUT WASHINGTON...

YOU BETTER TELL HIM, CHINA.

I'M AFRAID THE TRIP TO WASHINGTON

IS GOING TO HAVE TO BE DELAYED

UNTIL AFTER THE TRIAL.

WHAT TRIAL ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?

THE TRIAL THAT'S BEEN DELAYED FOR 10 YEARS NOW.

THE TRIAL THAT'S GOING TO BE HELD

IN THE COURT-MARTIAL HALL

OF THE SUSQUEHANNA PRISONER-OF-WAR CAMP.

THE TRIAL OF COLONEL TACITUS MOSELY

BEFORE A JURY OF HIS PEERS.

I SEE. YOU'RE GOING TO TAKE MY PRISONER

AWAY FROM ME, IS THAT IT?

I DO, UNLESS YOU KILL US ALL FIRST.

GENTLEMEN, WE'VE WON.

MR. WEST HAS DECIDED NOT TO SHOOT IT OUT WITH US.

YOU'RE GOING TO SHOOT ME WITH MY OWN GUN?

MR. WEST, IT'S A MATTER OF GREAT REGRET TO ME,

BELIEVE ME, BUT YOU'RE DEDICATED

TO PREVENTING THE ONE THING THAT'S IMPORTANT TO US, SO...

NO, FATHER!

YOU GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON.

WELL, WE HAVE A LONG WAY TO GO.

PERHAPS HE'LL BE USEFUL TO US IN GETTING THERE.

WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT?

MAKES SENSE TO ME.

BESIDES, WHO'S GOING TO DEFEND COLONEL MOSELY?

OH, I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT THAT.

THERE'S NO DOUBT

THAT THE COURT WILL FIND THE DEFENDANT GUILTY.

NEVERTHELESS, EVEN IF HE IS GUILTY,

HE NEEDS GOOD COUNSEL.

CAN YOU SUGGEST A DEFENSE COUNSEL?

YES, MYSELF.

OBJECTIONS, GENTLEMEN OF THE JURY?

THEN GENTLEMEN,

I GIVE YOU COLONEL MOSELY'S DEFENSE COUNSEL,

THE DEVIL'S OWN ADVOCATE, MR. JAMES WEST.

OPEN THAT DOOR BEHIND YOU.

FANTASTIC. ABSOLUTELY, UNBELIEVABLY FANTASTIC!

JIM WOULDN'T JUST TAKE OFF

WITHOUT LEAVING SOME KIND OF A MESSAGE.

FIRST OF ALL, YOU AND JIM DISOBEY MY ORDERS,

TAKE IT UPON YOURSELVES TO BREAK IN

AND SMUGGLE COLONEL MOSELY OUT OF HIS OWN STRONGHOLD,

RIGHT UNDER THE NOSES OF HIS OWN GUARDS.

THANK YOU, SIR.

I HAVE TO GIVE YOU POINTS

FOR DOING A FIRST-RATE JOB.

BUT THEN-- THEN YOU LET THE MAN GO

AND SLIP RIGHT THROUGH YOUR FINGERS.

I AM POSITIVE THAT HE WAS HERE, SIR.

OH, WAS HE? WELL, WHERE IS HE NOW?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT HE WOULDN'T GO OFF

WITHOUT LEAVING SOME WORD.

FOR THAT MATTER, WHERE'S COLONEL MOSELY?

I DON'T KNOW THAT EITHER, SIR.

AND I WAS INDISCREET ENOUGH

TO LET CERTAIN QUARTERS IN WASHINGTON

GET THE IDEA THAT MAYBE, AFTER ALL THIS TIME,

WE'D FINALLY BE BRINGING COLONEL MOSELY IN.

NOW THAT WE'VE GOT THEM ALL WORKED UP ABOUT IT--

WHAT?

WHAT IS IT, ARTEMUS?

OH, IT'S JUST A MESSAGE FROM JIM, THAT'S ALL.

A MESSAGE?

THAT?!

YEP. MORSE CODE-- DOTS AND DASHES.

SMALL HOLES, DOTS, LARGE HOLES, DASHES.

PROBABLY HAD TO POKE IT OUT

RIGHT UNDER THE NOSE

OF WHOEVER WAS HERE WITH HIM, TOO.

VERY NEAT JOB.

WHAT DOES IT SAY?

"ARTIE, GONE TO...S.U.S."

OF COURSE!

OF COURSE, WHAT? AND WHAT IS S.U.S?

IT HAS TO BE.

SUSQUEHANNA PRISONER-OF-WAR DETENTION CAMP,

OR WHATEVER IS LEFT STANDING OF IT.

WHY WOULD EVERYBODY

SUDDENLY BE GOING BACK TO SUSQUEHANNA?

YOU'RE SURE HE'S ALL RIGHT?

OH, YEAH, HE'S ALL RIGHT. IT WAS JUST A SEDATIVE.

FOR YOUR SAKE, HE'D BETTER BE.

WE'VE WAITED A LONG TIME FOR THIS ACCOUNTING.

IF WE FIND THAT YOU'VE CHEATED US OUT IF IT--

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO IN, MEN!

MMM.

YOUR HONOR?

YES, COUNSELOR?

IF IT PLEASES THE COURT,

I MOVE FOR A DIRECTED VERDICT OF "NOT GUILTY."

ON WHAT GROUNDS, SIR?

ON THE GROUNDS OF FRAUD.

I'M AFRAID YOU'LL HAVE TO EXPLAIN.

MOSELY, SIT DOWN.

MY CLIENT HAS BEEN ACCUSED

OF UNSPEAKABLE CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY.

I CAN PROVE AT THIS TIME, BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT,

THAT THE ACCUSING WITNESSES ARE GUILTY OF...

PERJURY.

NO, NO. DON'T SHOOT.

WHY...QUIST AND CARTER, I'M ASTONISHED.

GO ON, COUNSELOR,

PROCEED WITH YOUR PLEA TO THE BENCH.

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TRY TO TELL ME

THAT STEINLEN, TOO...HUH?

MIDNIGHT, STEINLEN-- THE WITCHING HOUR.

TAKE OFF YOUR GLASSES

AND LET ME SEE THOSE BIG, BLUE EYES.

HEY!

AND YOU TWO,

WOULD YOU COME UP WITH AN EXTRA PAIR OF ARMS?

HUH.

HUH. AND NOW ME?

NOW YOU.

BUT I'M NOT CLEVER LIKE THE OTHERS.

WHAT CAN I DO?

YOU CAN STAND UP,

WITH YOUR LEGS TUCKED AWAY IN THAT TRICK PLATFORM.

HMM.

YOU MEAN, UM...

LIKE THIS?

WELL...

I THINK WE ALL AGREE

THAT YOU DESERVE A GREAT ROUND OF APPLAUSE

FOR SEEING THROUGH OUR HARMLESS LITTLE CHARADE.

WHEN DID YOU FIRST BEGIN TO SUSPECT?

WHEN I FIRST NOTICED THE GALLERY

IN FRONT OF THE GALLOWS WITH EIGHT SEATS.

UNH-UNH. I DON'T SEE.

AND EIGHT SEATS IN FRONT OF THE WHIPPING POST,

AND EIGHT SEATS IN THE COURT-MARTIAL CHAMBER.

EIGHT SEATS. I COULDN'T HELP BUT WONDER WHY?

WHY EIGHT?

FASCINATING. GO ON.

UNTIL I REMEMBERED READING THE FILE

ON THE SUSQUEHANNA PRISONER-OF-WAR CAMP,

PARTICULARLY THE PART ABOUT THE COMMANDANT

AND HIS SEVEN HANDPICKED ASSISTANTS,

WITHOUT WHOSE HELP

HE COULD NOT HAVE OPERATED SO EFFICIENTLY.

SEVEN HANDPICKED ASSISTANTS

WHO DISAPPEARED WITH HIM.

BUT WHAT ABOUT MY OTHER MEN--

THE ONES ON THE CASUALTY LIST?

THERE NEVER WERE ANY OTHER MEN, RIGHT?

QUITE RIGHT. BUT I STILL DON'T SEE.

EIGHT SEATS EVERYWHERE, SO A SADISTIC COMMANDANT

AND HIS EQUALLY SADISTIC ASSISTANTS

COULD SIT AND ENJOY THE SUFFERINGS

OF PRISONERS OF WAR

COUNTING THE DEPARTED CORPORAL HAYDEN,

I HAVE A STRONG HUNCH

THAT YOU AND YOUR MEN ARE THOSE ASSISTANTS.

YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME?

PUT THAT QUESTION TO THE BENCH.

ALL RIGHT,

THE MASQUERADE'S BEEN DIVERTING.

COURT'S ADJOURNED!

LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS.

COME ON.

BY THE WAY, MR. WEST,

WE NEVER THANKED YOU FOR THE OBLIGING WAY

YOU DELIVERED COLONEL MOSELY TO US.

THINGS WERE GETTING MUCH TOO DANGEROUS

FOR US TO TRY IT.

AS FOR YOU, COMMANDANT, LIKE OLD TIMES, EH?

YOU'RE WRONG ABOUT THIS, MAJOR HAZARD.

ONLY THIS TIME, HE'S NOT SITTING WITH YOU,

LEADING THE LAUGHTER, AS HE PROBABLY USED TO.

I DON'T HAVE IT. HONESTLY!

HONESTLY!

WHY, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE WORD MEANS.

MR. WEST, YOU SEEM TO BE A BRIGHT, YOUNG MAN.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA

WHY WE RENEWED OUR OLD FRIENDSHIP

WITH THE COMMANDANT?

FOR THE SAME REASON THIEVES AND MURDERERS

ALWAYS FALL OUT-- MONEY, I'M SURE.

EXACTLY!

WHAT WAS THE EXACT DATE, COMMANDANT?

DON'T MATTER. IT'S NOT IMPORTANT.

WHAT IS IMPORTANT IS THIS--

THAT IN THE CLOSING DAYS OF THE WAR,

A CHEST ARRIVED HERE

CONTAINING $1 MILLION IN GOLD.

IT WAS TO HAVE BEEN DELIVERED TO HEADQUARTERS,

BUT YOU NEVER SENT IT.

HAZARD, I-I SWEAR...

THE POT WAS BEGINNING TO HEAT UP

AND THE ENEMY WAS ON THE MARCH.

THE GALLANT COMMANDANT SKIPPED.

BUT FIRST, YOU HID THAT MONEY RIGHT HERE IN THIS CAMP.

NOW, YOU KNOW THE REST OF THIS STORY, DON'T YOU?

AH...NOW THE COLONEL'S GOT A BAD MEMORY.

RIGHT AGAIN.

BUT WITH THE AID OF QUIST'S BULLWHIP

AND OTHER USEFUL MEMORY AIDS WE HAVE--

I SAY, DASH IT ALL, BE QUIET!

HOW CAN ANYONE DO ANY OF THIS WORK HERE?

HOLD ON THERE! WHO THE DEVIL ARE YOU?

SO MUCH-- QUIET, IF YOU PLEASE.

"FABIAN REDBLOGEL, DOWSING, DIVINING, AND..."

'CEPT FOR THE FANCY WORDS, IT JUST MEANS

THAT YOU FIND WATER WITH THAT GADGET.

YES, AND ANYTHING ELSE THAT'S UNDERGROUND.

AT THE MOMENT, I'M LOOKING FOR GOLD.

GOLD?

HOLD ON! DID YOU SAY GOLD?

OH, QU ITE.

I NE VE R TH OUGHT OF FIN DING GOLD

IN A PLACE AS UNLIKELY AS THIS.

PROBABLY SEEMS STRANGE TO YOU,

BUT I CAN ASSURE YOU

THAT THIS VERY EFFICIENT VERSION

OF THE ANCIENT DOWSING STAKE HAS NEVER FAILED ME YET.

LEAVE HIM BE! LEAVE HIM BE NOW!

I'M SURE HE KNOWS WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.

YOU GO ON, MISTER. GO ON.

THANK YOU SO VERY MU--

I SAY, YOUR RIGHT FOOT--

WOULD YOU MIND MOVING IT OVER JUST A SMIDGE?

OH, YEAH.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

OH, YES.

VERY STRONG ASTRAL VIBRATIONS...

RIGHT ABOUT HERE.

MARVELOUS.

OOP!

LOOK OUT, LOOK OUT NOW! LET HIM BE, LET HIM BE.

GIVE HIM ROOM! GIVE HIM ROOM!

I'VE NEVER FELT THAT MUCH PULL BEFORE.

THERE. THERE HAS TO BE GOLD THERE.

HAS TO BE GOLD RIGHT THERE!

I'M CERTAIN OF IT!

A GOLD NUGGET! GET THAT SHOVEL!

I BET IT'S WORTH $50!

YOU SAY YOU DIDN'T HIDE IT, HUH?

HOLD IT! THERE'S SOME VERY STRONG--

I THINK I'M ONTO SOMETHING BIG!

THERE'S SOME INTERFERENCE

WITH THE ASTRAL VIBRATIONS HERE--

PROBABLY SOME IRON ORE SOMEWHERE AROUND IT.

OF COURSE! IT'S THOSE BLASTED GUNS!

THEY'RE JUST MESSING UP EVERYTHING!

I CAN'T POSSIBLY FIND ANYTHING

WITH THE IRON AROUND!

PUT THEM OVER THERE.

RIGHT OVER THERE. PILE THEM TOGETHER.

WELL, IT'S THE ONLY WAY

THE STICK WILL FIND ANY GOLD AT ALL.

COME ON.

THAT'S MUCH BETTER. THE SHOVEL, TOO.

GIVE ME THAT SHOVEL.

OH, YES. OH, INDEED.

IT'S WORKING JUST FINE NOW.

AH, YES, INDEED.

OH, IT'S STRONG!

I FEEL STRONG ASTRAL VIBRATIONS!

NOW, STAND BACK, CAN'T YOU?

YOU'RE CROWDING ME!

I DON'T WANT YOU

MESSING UP MY ASTRAL VIBRATIONS HERE.

IF YOU JUST STAY THERE, I'LL FIND IT.

OH, INDEED. VERY STRONG NOW.

YES, INDEED.

OH, MY!

YET IT PULLS IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

OH, YES.

COUPLE OF LOUD NOISES COMING UP, JIM.

I CAN HARDLY WAIT, ARTIE.

JIM!

HE'S DEAD.

WELL, HE GOT THE GOLD HE WAS AFTER.

TIME TO GO, COLONEL.

YOU'LL FIND THAT WASHINGTON'S LOVELY

THIS TIME OF YEAR.

FINALLY, WITH THE APPROPRIATE PUNISHMENT

BEING METED OUT

TO EVERY LAST ONE OF THE PERSONNEL

WHO MADE IT THE HELLHOLE THAT IT WAS,

SUSQUEHANNA PRISONER-OF-WAR CAMP

WILL BECOME THE SIGHT

FOR PARKS, HOMES, AND PLAYGROUNDS.

"AND THEY SHALL BEAT THEIR SWORDS INTO PLOWSHARES

AND THEIR SPEARS INTO PRUNING HOOKS."

IT WAS A LONG TIME OVERDUE,

BUT IT'S WELCOME JUST THE SAME.

I'M GLAD ABOUT CHINA.

SHE REALLY WAS NEVER PART OF THE BROTHERHOOD.

THE JURY APPARENTLY FELT THE SAME WAY

WHEN THEY RECOMMENDED PAROLE.

ARTIE, HOW DID YOU KNOW

THAT THE GOLD WAS BEHIND THIS WHOLE SORDID MESS?

OH, ONE OF MY USUAL FLASHES OF INTUITION.

THAT, PLUS A LOT OF RESEARCH THAT I DID

WHEN I GOT YOUR MESSAGE

THAT YOU'D LEFT TO GO BACK TO THE SUSQUEHANNA.

I FOUND THAT THERE WAS A MILLION DOLLARS IN GOLD

THAT HAD BEEN BURIED AND NEVER RECOVERED.

WELL, GENTLEMEN, I SUGGEST A MODEST VICTORY TOAST.

YOU CARE TO JOIN ME?

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

YOU KNOW ME.

SALUD!

- CAPTIONS BY VITAC-- BURBANK, PITTSBURGH, WASHINGTON

CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY PARAMOUNT DOMESTIC TELEVISION