Original subtitles

SEÑORAS, SEÑORES.

AND IN HONOR OF OUR DISTINGUISHED GUESTS,

OUR PRESIDENT WILL SOON MAKE HIS SPEECH

IN THE PLAZA MAYOR.

BUT BEFORE WE ADJOURN TO THE BALCONY,

I WOULD LIKE TO PROPOSE A DOUBLE TOAST.

TO DON BENITO JUAREZ,

Presidente de la República de Mexicana,

AND TO THE AMBASSADOR

OF OUR DEAR FRIENDS FROM THE NORTH.

SEÑOR GRISWOLD.

HEAR, HEAR.

HEAR.

TO EL PRESIDENTE JUAREZ.

INDEED.

ARTIE, THROW ME THE BOTTLE!

AHHH!

POOR GUY NEVER LEARNED HOW TO SWIM.

THE PADRE GOT AWAY, TOO.

THE ONLY THING LEFT IS TO CALL THE POLICE.

WAIT A MINUTE. I'M NOT TOO SURE.

LOOK AT HIS FACE.

HE'S AN AMERICAN.

NOT ONLY THAT...

ARTIE, THAT'S CALICO JACK.

SURE ISN'T A VERY TIDY GUY EITHER, IS HE?

WHY WOULD AN AMERICAN

WANT TO ASSASSINATE THE PRESIDENT OF MEXICO?

ALL THE SHOTS MISSED PRESIDENT JUAREZ.

BUT HIS MINISTER OF THE INTERIOR WASN'T SO LUCKY.

HE'S DEAD.

JIM, DID YOU GET A GOOD LOOK AT THE SNIPER?

WAS HE AN AMERICAN, TOO?

I DON'T KNOW. HE COULD HAVE BEEN AN AMERICAN.

ALL I KNOW IS I SAW A MAN IN A PRIEST COSTUME.

HMM... THEN FOR THE MOMENT,

WE MUST ASSUME THAT HE WAS AN AMERICAN.

AND THAT, GENTLEMEN,

MEANS THAT WE HAVE A CRITICAL PROBLEM.

YOU SEE, MY MISSION HERE HAS BEEN A TOTAL FAILURE.

JUAREZ REFUSED EVEN TO APPOINT A COMMISSION

TO STUDY THE BORDER PROBLEM.

TWO HOURS LATER, HE'S ALMOST ASSASSINATED.

THERE'S NOT NECESSARILY ANY CONNECTION BETWEEN THE TWO, SIR.

WE KNOW THAT.

NOW HOW DO WE CONVINCE THE MEXICAN GOVERNMENT?

BY FINDING THE MAN WHO HIRED THE GUNMAN.

WELL, THERE'S ONE MAN THAT KNOWS THAT.

YEAH, THE SNIPER.

WE BETTER GET TO HIM BEFORE THE POLICE DO.

YEAH, BUT FIRST WE BETTER HIDE CALICO JACK'S BODY

FROM THE POLICE.

I COULD SEE TO THAT.

GOOD. THEN I'LL HUNT FOR THE SNIPER.

NO! NO. FOR YOU TO ENGAGE IN ANY ACTIVITY

SUCH AS THAT ON MEXICAN SOIL

VIOLATES ALL THE DIPLOMATIC RULES IN THE BOOK.

I CAN'T ALLOW A MISSION LIKE THAT.

MARTIAL LAW HAS BEEN DECLARED!

NO ONE MAY ENTER OR LEAVE THIS TOWN.

THAT COULD BE INCONVENIENT.

NO, PLEASE, SEÑORES, MY HOUSE IS YOUR HOUSE.

YOU'RE VERY GRACIOUS, DON TOMAS,

BUT MR. WEST HAS HIS PRIVATE CAR ON THE SITE.

THAT'S OUT OF THE QUESTION. CURFEW HAS BEEN DECLARED.

ANYONE FOUND ON THE STREETS AFTER DARK

WILL BE ARRESTED OR SHOT.

DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY?

NO, NO, NO. THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

IN THAT CASE,

YOUR GENEROUS HOSPITALITY IS DEEPLY APPRECIATED.

PLEASE EXCUSE ME. I HAVE OTHER THINGS TO ATTEND TO.

THAT SETTLES IT, BOYS.

THOSE SOLDIERS OUT THERE ARE TRIGGER-HAPPY RIGHT NOW.

WHEN IT GETS DARK, THEY'LL BE SHOOTING AT ANYTHING THAT MOVES.

I REFUSE TO ALLOW YOU TO RISK YOUR LIVES

BY LEAVING THIS HOUSE.

THAT SOUND LIKE A DIRECT ORDER TO YOU?

WHAT?

FUNNY, I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT HE SAID.

I CAN'T REMEMBER EITHER, ARTIE.

THE POWDER ON CALICO'S TROUSERS-- WHAT WAS IT?

POTTER'S CLAY.

THAT COULD BE THE BEGINNING.

WHO'S THERE?

PERRICO. QUICKLY!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

DON'T YOU KNOW YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN FOLLOWED?

FOLLOWED? BY WHO?

NOT EVEN DOGS AND CATS ARE OUT TONIGHT.

ONLY SOLDIERS.

ALL THE MORE REASON TO STAY CLEAR.

BUT THEY'RE ONLY IN THE NEXT STREET, AMIGO.

AND THEY'RE SEARCHING FROM HOUSE TO HOUSE.

YOU MUST LEAVE!

LEAVE? YOU KNOW THERE'S NO PLACE I CAN GO IN THIS TOWN.

THAT'S NOT MY CONCERN, SEÑOR.

IF THEY FIND YOU HERE, THEY'LL SHOOT ME, TOO.

WHAT DO YOU WANT? MORE MONEY?

NO, I JUST WANT TO LIVE

SO I CAN SPEND WHAT I HAVE.

GET OUT! QUICKLY!

YOU DOUBLE-CROSSER!

NO NAMES!

YOU GO, BEFORE I REMEMBER

YOU TRIED TO ASSASSINATE THE PRESIDENTE.

ALL RIGHT, AMIGO!

BUT IF I GET OF OUT THIS ALIVE,

I'M GOING TO BE BACK FOR YOU.

BUENAS NOCHES, PADRE.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I AIN'T NO PADRE.

YOU WERE FOR A FEW MOMENTS THIS AFT--

IT'S EITHER ME OR THE SOLDIERS,

AND ALL YOU GET FROM THEM IS A BULLET.

AND WHAT DO I GET FROM YOU?

FIRST SOME QUESTIONS.

AND?

THAT DEPENDS ON THE ANSWERS.

THERE WERE TWO OF THEM. FIND THE OTHER ONE.

Quiénes? WHO IS THERE?

BUENAS NOCHES, SEÑORITA.

WHERE IS HE?

HE GOT AWAY.

THERE'S NO PLACE TO GO! HOW COULD HE GET AWAY?!

DID YOU LOOK IN THERE?

NO, SIR, IT'S LOCKED.

WELL, SMASH IT, YOU!

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.

GRACIAS, SEÑORITA.

YOU'VE BEEN A GOOD NEIGHBOR, BUT I MUST LEAVE.

SEÑOR...

FOR NADA.

I GUESS THAT MEANS IT'S OVER.

IS HE DEAD?

NO, SIR, HE HAS A BULLET IN HIS LEFT LEG,

BUT HE'LL LIVE.

HE MAY LIVE TO REGRET HE DIDN'T DIE.

FORM A DETACHMENT.

ESCORT THE ASSASSIN TO THE PRISON AT AVALOS.

YES, SIR.

AND LIEUTENANT?

IF FOR ANY REASON, ANY REASON AT ALL,

HE IS NOT DELIVERED TO AVALOS, YOU WILL BE.

MARCH.

NOW LOOK HERE, JIM.

DIDN'T I TELL YOU AND ARTIE NOT TO LEAVE THAT HOUSE?

WELL, I-I JUST DON'T REMEMBER, SIR.

DID YOU?

NO, NO, OF COURSE, YOU DON'T REMEMBER.

DID YOU TALK TO HIM? DID HE SAY ANYTHING?

WE DIDN'T GET THAT FAR, SIR.

I KNOW IT'S A TERRIBLE THING TO ASK,

BUT, UH, IS THERE A CHANCE THAT THE BULLET KILLED HIM?

NO, SIR. HE WAS WOUNDED IN THE LEG.

I SAW HIM CARRIED OFF ON A STRETCHER.

THERE WAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I COULD DO ABOUT IT.

TIME IS RUNNING OUT.

WE'VE GOT TO TALK TO HIM.

I'M AFRAID THAT THAT WOULD BE MOST DIFFICULT, SEÑORES.

THE ONLY TALKING HALVORSEN WILL DO

IS TO COLONEL ARSENIC.

HALVORSEN?

YOU KNOW THE LOCAL FILES AT THAT CONSTABULARY

AREN'T HALF-BAD?

THE MAN WE'RE LOOKING FOR IS FRANK HALVORSEN.

HARD-CASE GUNMAN OUT OF ABILENE.

AND THIS, UH, COLONEL ARSENIC?

ARSENIO BARBOSSA,

THE GENTLEMAN WHO RUNS ALL OF THE LOCAL PROCEEDINGS

AROUND HERE.

FROM WHAT I HEAR DOWN AT THE PLAZA,

NOBODY REFUSES TO TALK TO HIM-- AT LEAST NOT FOR LONG.

WHERE DID THEY TAKE HALVORSEN?

MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISON AT AVALOS.

COMPLETELY INCOMUNICADO.

NOT EVEN A LAWYER CAN SEE HIM.

I'LL MAKE AN OFFICIAL PROTEST TO PRESIDENT JUAREZ.

WHEN YOU SEE JUAREZ, ASK FOR A PRISON PASS.

FOR YOU?

NO, FOR HALVORSEN'S FATHER, A FINE, OLD TEXAS GENTLEMAN

WHO MAY NOT HAVE LONG TO LIVE.

ARE YOU...ARE YOU SURE HALVORSEN HAS A FATHER?

WELL, HE'S GONNA HAVE ONE NOW.

DON'T YOU WORRY NONE ABOUT THAT, SON.

MR. HALVORSEN.

MY APOLOGIES, SIR.

THAT'S PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT, SONNY.

DID THE PRISONER CONFESS, SIR?

OH, YES. HE WAS VERY COOPERATIVE.

HE FREELY ADMITTED GIVING SHELTER AND SANCTUARY

TO THE AMERICAN ASSASSIN.

WE HAVE ALL THE EVIDENCE WE NEED FOR HIS EXECUTION.

BRING DOWN HALVORSEN.

COME ON!

SEÑOR HALVORSEN...

YOU AND I ARE GOING TO HAVE

A NICE, LONG, HEART-TO-HEART TALK.

BUT--

NO, SEÑOR. FIRST, I WILL TALK.

THEN YOU WILL TALK.

BUT...LET US EXAMINE THE POSSIBILITY, TO BEGIN WITH,

THAT WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR TURN,

YOU WILL NOT BE IN THE MOOD FOR CONVERSATION.

THAT HAPPENS FROM TIME TO TIME, OF COURSE.

BUT IN YOUR CASE, SEÑOR,

THAT WOULD BE MOST UNFORTUNATE.

LET US SAY THAT DESPITE ALL OUR URGINGS,

YOU STILL PREFER NOT TO ENGAGE IN FRIENDLY DIALOGUE.

THEN, SEÑOR, AGAINST ALL MY HUMANE INSTINCTS,

I WILL BE FORCED TO--

COLONEL, A THOUSAND PARDONS.

SEÑOR WEST IS WAITING OUTSIDE TO SEE YOU

WITH AN OLDER MAN, ALSO A GRINGO.

SEÑOR WEST. I FIND THAT CURIOUS.

BRING HIM DOWN HERE, LIEUTENANT.

GUARD!

BRING THIS MAN BACK TO HIS CELL.

YOU FORGIVE ME

IF I KEEP YOU WAITING A LITTLE LONGER, NO?

NEVER SEEN...

FLIGHT OF STAIRS...

OH, THERE YOU ARE!

NOW, LOOKIE HERE, CAPTAIN. I WANT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

WELCOME, MR. WEST.

I AM COLONEL ARSENIO BARBOSSA.

I'VE HEARD ABOUT YOU, COLONEL.

I'M FLATTERED. MAY I RETURN THE COMPLIMENT?

I HAVE A RATHER LARGE DOSSIER ON YOU.

BUT IT'S BY NO MEANS THOROUGH.

IF I CAN CUT THROUGH ALL THIS HERE LOLLYGAGGIN'?

THIS IS LEROY HALVORSEN, COLONEL.

HE'S FROM TEXAS.

HALVORSEN. ANY RELATION TO--

HIS DADDY, BY DINGY BANG THUNDER!

I'M HERE TO TAKE MY SON HOME!

PITY. QUITE IMPOSSIBLE.

IM...IMPOSSIBLE!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, IMPOSSIBLE?!

I'M HERE, AIN'T I?!

SEÑOR HALVORSEN,

SOMEWHERE, SOMEHOW, YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN SOMETHING.

YOU ARE NO LONGER IN TEXAS.

NO ONE MAY VISIT THE PRISONER WITHOUT A DIRECT ORDER

FROM THE PRESIDENT OF MEXICO.

AS IT HAPPENS, COLONEL, HE HAS THAT DIRECT ORDER.

IT SEEMS TO BE QUITE PROPER.

YOU MAY SPEND 15 MINUTES WITH YOUR SON.

FIFTEEN-- WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, CAPTAIN.

YOU'RE A VERY GENEROUS MAN.

GOT TO COME VISIT ME IN TEXAS SOMETIME.

GIVE YOU A WHOLE HOUR TO GET OUT OF THERE.

SEÑOR!

FOOLING AROUND, WASTING TIME.

GONNA TAKE THAT BOY AND GET HIM OUT OF HERE,

AND THERE'S GONNA BE NOTHIN' BUT A...

GONNA-- AND I'LL TELL YOU THIS.

OH.

SEÑOR WEST, IT APPEARS MY DOSSIER

ON THE ASSASSIN HALVORSEN IS NOT THOROUGH, EITHER.

IT STATES HERE THAT HIS FATHER

WAS TRAPPED IN A MINE CAVE-IN

IN LAS CRUCES, NEW MEXICO, ON MAY 3, 1857,

AND IS PRESUMED DEAD.

PRESUMED DEAD.

ACTUALLY, HE WAS ONLY MISSING.

AND THEY HAVEN'T SEEN EACH OTHER

IN ALL THESE YEARS.

SHOULD BE A VERY TOUCHING REUNION.

NOW THEN, WHAT CAN I DO TO AMUSE YOU FOR 15 MINUTES?

OH, I'M SURE, COLONEL,

THAT YOU HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO.

MORE PRESSING, PERHAPS.

WOULD YOU CARE TO READ YOUR OWN DOSSIER?

NO, THANK YOU, COLONEL. I'VE LIVED IT.

AHH!

I HAVEN'T.

WOULD YOU STEP OVER HERE, PLEASE?

THAT'S THE MAN WHO PROVIDED REFUGE

FOR SEÑOR HALVORSEN'S FUN-LOVING SON.

BUT IN THE END, HE SAW THE ERROR OF HIS WAYS,

AND HE CONFESSED.

THEY ALL DO, DON'T THEY, COLONEL?

SON! WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO YOU?

NO, SON, YOU'RE NOT SEEING A GHOST.

IT'S YOUR OLD PA.

PA.

THAT'S RIGHT, SON.

JUST LET ME REST MY OLD BONES HERE.

SET THEM DOWN ON... THIS HERE STOOL A MINUTE.

NOW WE CAN GET DOWN TO BRASS TACKS, HALVORSEN.

ALL RIGHT, OLD MAN.

WHO IN THE BLUE BLAZES ARE YOU?

I came to make a deal with you,

and I'm not an old man.

DEAL?

MAYBE YOU'RE NEW HERE.

MAYBE YOU NEVER HEARD OF COLONEL BARBOSSA.

I HEARD OF HIM.

YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN WHAT HE DID TO PERRICO.

READY.

AIM.

FIRE.

HE'S BETTER OFF DEAD.

NOW, YOU WANT TO KNOW WHO HIRED ME, RIGHT?

THAT'S RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT. I'LL TELL YOU.

IN TEXAS.

OR I'LL TELL THAT COLONEL IN THAT TORTURE CHAMBER--

WHICHEVER COMES FIRST.

LOOK, HALVORSEN, WE'LL GET YOU THE BEST LAWYERS IN MEXICO.

A LAWYER AIN'T GONNA DO ME NO GOOD IN HERE. I WANT OUT!

NOW LOOK, I DON'T CARE HOW YOU DO IT,

BUT YOU GET ME OUT OF HERE

BEFORE THAT BUTCHER GOES TO WORK ON ME!

KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN.

I'M GOING TO TALK TO SOMEBODY, AND WHEN I START NAMING NAMES,

THINGS ARE GOING TO POP ALL OVER THIS PLACE.

WHO'S GOING TO BELIEVE YOU WITHOUT PROOF?

OH, I GOT THAT, TOO.

I GOT A LETTER FROM THE BIG MAN--

SOMEBODY WAY UP THERE.

WHO?

I'LL TELL YOU IN TEXAS.

WHAT KIND OF A LETTER?

I'LL TELL YOU THAT, TOO.

IN TEXAS.

TIME!

OH, ALL RIGHT.

DON'T YOU WORRY NONE, SON.

YOUR OLD PA WILL LOOK AFTER THINGS.

JUST DON'T WORRY. WE'LL GET YOU OUT OF HERE.

Take that pill.

It will put you to sleep for eight hours.

Even Barbossa can't torture a sleeping man.

SEÑOR!

YEAH, YEAH. I'M COMING, I'M COMING.

YOU DON'T WORRY A BIT, SON.

I'LL BE BACK TO GET YOU OUT OF HERE

IF I HAVE TO COME UP

WITH A WHOLE PASSEL OF TEXAS RANGERS,

BY DINGY BANG THUNDER.

DON'T WORRY NONE.

THERE YOU HAVE IT, JIM.

WE GOT TO GET HALVORSEN OUT OF THAT POKEY BUT FAST.

ARTIE, IF WE COULD GET THE LETTER

THAT HALVORSEN TOLD YOU ABOUT,

THAT WOULD CLEAN UP THE WHOLE DEAL.

YEAH. HE SURE DIDN'T HAVE IT ON HIM.

WHERE DO WE START LOOKING?

LET'S TRY THE MOST OBVIOUS PLACE.

EVER GET THE FEELING

THAT PEOPLE WERE LOOKING AT YOU KIND OF FUNNY?

OH, SEÑORITA.

FATE KEEPS THROWING US TOGETHER.

DON'T YOUR FRIENDS KNOW IT'S NOT POLITE TO POINT?

SEÑOR, LET ME ASSURE YOU OF THREE THINGS.

ONE...THE GUN THAT IS BEING POINTED AT YOU IS LOADED.

AND TWO...MY MEN WOULD NOT HESITATE TO SHOOT YOU

IF YOU GIVE THEM CAUSE.

AND...

AND THREE...I FIND MYSELF LESS AND LESS AMUSED

AT YOUR INSOLENCE.

NOW YOU STAND THERE.

IT'S THE OLD ONE I WANT TO SPEAK WITH.

OLD? WELL, NOW, YOU LOOK HERE, PUMPKINS.

YOU GIVE ME SOME RESPECT, IF YOU PLEASE.

OH, QUIET, PAPASITO.

REPLY ONLY TO MY QUESTIONS.

OVER THERE.

I AIN'T HEARD NARY A ONE YET, SO FAR.

ENOUGH.

NOW, I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOUR SON SAID TO YOU.

OH, THAT.

WELL, HE WAS REAL ANXIOUS TO KNOW

HOW THE NEW HERD WAS DOING WITH ITS GRAZING

OVER ON THE WEST 40.

YOU KNOW, WE GOT US AS FINE A HERD OF CATTLE

AS YOU'VE EVER SEEN.

WATCH OUT WITH THAT TOAD STICKER, LITTLE LADY.

MAN, YOU ARE VERY CLOSE TO DEATH.

WE BOTH KNOW WHY YOU ARE HERE.

NOW, TELL ME WHERE YOUR SON HID THAT LETTER.

ALL RIGHT. NOW LISTEN TO THIS.

NO CAUSE FOR YOU TO BE GETTING THAT UPSET ABOUT IT,

IS THERE?

NO, BECAUSE WHEN YOU GET UPSET, WE GET UPSET,

AND THERE'S NO TELLING WHO MIGHT WIND UP GETTING UPSET.

WELL, WHEN FACED WITH VASTLY SUPERIOR NUMBERS,

I WOULD SAY THE ENEMY WITHDREW.

WOULD YOU CALL THIS A SMASHING VICTORY FOR US?

YEAH.

ARTIE, DID YOU FORGET WHY WE CAME HERE?

OH, YEAH. THE LETTER.

WELL... YOU CAN'T HAVE EVERYTHING.

IN ALL THIS DEBRIS, IF THE LETTER EVER WAS HERE,

I DON'T KNOW HOW WE'D EVER FIND IT.

EL PRESIDENTE BENITO JUAREZ.

IT MUST HAVE GOT SHIFTED IN THE FRACAS.

NO, IT DIDN'T, ARTIE. IT'S NAILED DOWN.

NAILED CROOKED.

SOMEBODY MUST HAVE DONE THAT IN AN AWFUL HURRY.

EUREKA.

THE LETTER TO HALVORSEN.

"AND FOR SECURITY REASONS, I HAVE CHANGED THE LOCK.

"THAT'S WHY I ENCLOSED THE NEW KEY.

"THE MEETING WILL STILL BE THIS THURSDAY, MIDNIGHT,

"AT WHICH TIME WE WILL FINALIZE PLANS

TO ELIMINATE JUAREZ."

THAT'S ALL?

YOU NOTICED, I'M SURE, SIR, THAT THERE'S NO SIGNATURE.

BUT THE KEY THE LETTER MENTIONS...

IT WASN'T ENCLOSED.

NO SIGNATURE ON THE LETTER. NO KEY.

AND WHO IS THIS PREPOSTEROUS FEMALE AND HER GUNMEN?

WHAT'S SHE GOT TO DO WITH THIS CASE?

WELL, ASIDE FROM THE FACT

THAT SHE WEARS TANGERINE LIPSTICK--

AND WIELDS

WE DON'T KNOW A THING ABOUT HER, SIR.

THE LETTER IS WORTHLESS.

WE MUST GET HALVORSEN'S TESTIMONY.

WELL, YOU KNOW HIS TERMS, SIR.

HE'LL OPEN UP ONLY AFTER WE GET HIM

OUT OF COLONEL ARSENIC'S POKEY

AND BACK ONTO AMERICAN SOIL.

AND THAT IS OBVIOUSLY IMPOSSIBLE.

I WOULDN'T SAY SO, SIR.

THANKS FOR THE RIDE, PADRE.

VAYA CON DIOS, GRINGO.

I HAVE COME FOR THE MORTAL REMAINS OF PERRICO MENDOZA.

WHICH WAY IS THE, UH, FIESTA?

YOU, GUARD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I ASKED YOU A QUESTION.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN HERE?

TURN AROUND

WHEN YOUR COMMANDING OFFICER SPEAKS TO YOU.

TURN AROUND!

SEÑOR WEST.

YOU'VE BROKEN INTO AVALOS TO RESCUE A COMPATRIOT.

ARE THE VISITING HOURS OVER?

INCREDIBLE.

YOU'VE PERFORMED A FEAT OF UNPARALLELED BRILLIANCE.

IT'S NOT POSSIBLE, AND YET THERE YOU ARE.

IT WILL BE AN HONOR TO GRANT YOUR LAST REQUEST

BEFORE YOUR EXECUTION.

BUT I HAVEN'T CONFESSED.

WELL, THAT WILL COME LATER.

AFTER A FEW SESSIONS IN MY PRIVATE CONFESSIONAL,

YOU WILL BEG TO CONFESS.

MARCH.

HMM.

I COULD EASILY HAVE KILLED YOU,

BUT WHY SHOULD I BE KIND?

FIRST, THE TORTURE CHAMBER.

BOY, AM I GLAD YOU WEREN'T ASLEEP.

JIM, GIVE ME A HAND WITH THIS, WILL YOU?

IT'S HEAVY.

IT WILL BE A LOT HEAVIER GOING OUT.

WE'LL NEVER GET OUT OF THIS ALIVE.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M GOING THROUGH WITH IT.

BECAUSE IT BEATS BEING EXECUTED

BY A COUNTRY MILE.

I DON'T EVEN THINK I CAN CLIMB THAT WALL WITH THIS LEG.

JUST GET IN THE BOX. I'LL CLIMB THE WALL.

WHAT?

GET IN THE BOX.

OH, NO. THAT CELL WAS SMALL ENOUGH.

IT'S EITHER THE BOX OR THE COLONEL'S CONFESSIONAL.

LOOK, I'LL SUFFOCATE IN THERE.

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHO HIRED ME, YOU GET ME OUT SOME OTHER WAY.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, ARTIE?

VERY WELL, THEN.

GUARD! GUARD!

NOW, LISTEN.

I'LL UNLOAD THIS THING AT THAT DRY WASH,

AND I'LL LAY A FALSE TRAIL WITH THE HORSE AND WAGON.

YOU BETTER GET DOWN TO HIM AS SOON AS YOU CAN

AND LET HIM OUT.

ARTIE, HOW LONG DO YOU THINK

HE CAN REALLY LIVE IN THIS BOX?

I'D SAY ABOUT HALF AN HOUR, IF HE DOESN'T PANIC.

WELL, CARE TO BE A PALL BEARER?

ARTIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?

THAT...SILLY, LITTLE, HOT TOMATO

HAD POWERFUL PEONS, THAT'S HOW.

NOT AGAIN.

YEAH, AGAIN.

YOU KNOW, I HATE TO SAY IT,

BUT I'M WORKING UP A VIOLENT DISLIKE

FOR THAT TOMATO.

DID HALVORSEN LEAVE WITH HER?

HE HAD NO CHOICE. I'M SURE HE NEVER SAW HER BEFORE.

WE'LL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN.

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHO HIRED HIM.

HE WAS LOOKING RIGHT DOWN MY GUN BARREL

WHEN HE SWORE THAT THE MAN WHO HIRED HIM

SAT IN THE SHADOWS AND NEVER ONCE SHOWED HIS FACE.

INCIDENTALLY, THE FEE FOR KILLING JUAREZ? $10,000.

NOT IN ADVANCE.

NO. HALVORSEN WAS TO GO TO THE PLACE WHERE HE WAS HIRED.

WHERE IS THAT?

WE NEVER GOT AROUND TO IT.

DID YOU FIND THE KEY?

NO, BUT I DO KNOW WHERE IT IS.

WE DID GET AROUND TO THAT

BEFORE THAT PIMENTO HAD ME BUSHWHACKED.

HE'LL TELL HER THE SAME STORY. LET'S GET THAT KEY.

THIS IS WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR.

YES, THAT'S IT.

MAY I HAVE IT, PLEASE?

I'M PREPARED TO BARGAIN.

WHAT ARE YOU OFFERING?

THE WHEREABOUTS OF YOUR FRIEND,

MR. ARTEMUS GORDON.

I'M RIGHT OVER HERE, SUGAR.

AND POINTING A GUN AT YOU.

I GUESS IT'S WHAT YOU CALL A YANKEE STANDOFF.

YES, IT DOES, DOESN'T IT?

WHY DON'T YOU START THE CONVERSATION?

I AM CORONEL LUPITA CASSAL, OF LE GUARDE FEDERAL--

THE MEXICAN SECRET SERVICE.

NOW I MUST INSIST YOU TURN THAT KEY OVER TO ME.

OH, WHY DON'T WE BARGAIN?

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

THE NAME OF THE MAN WHO PLOTTED THE ASSASSINATION.

HALVORSEN DID NOT KNOW.

THE MEETING TOOK PLACE

IN THE HOUSE OF A THIRD PARTY.

THE CONSPIRATOR REMAINED ALWAYS IN THE SHADOW.

HE NEVER REVEALED HIS IDENTITY TO HALVORSEN.

THAT'S WHAT HALVORSEN SAYS.

I MADE CERTAIN HE TOLD THE TRUTH.

I'M SURE YOU DID.

WHERE IS HE NOW?

MY MEN HAVE HIM.

HALVORSEN TOLD YOU

WHAT LOCK THIS KEY OPENS, DIDN'T HE?

YES.

THEN WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME?

NO. I'LL SHOW YOU.

YOU'VE GOT A BARGAIN.

GO ON IN, JIM.

THE COLONEL AND I WILL COVER FOR YOU.

SEÑOR, WE GIVE YOU FIVE MINUTES.

YOU KNOW, MR. WEST, THAT SECRET STAIRCASE

DATES BACK TO THE CONQUISTADORES.

I HAD NO IDEA THE HOUSE WAS THAT OLD.

OH, YES.

IT WAS BUILT OVER 250 YEARS AGO.

I HAVE TRIED TO KEEP IT IN ITS ORIGINAL FORM.

I IMAGINE AN ESCAPE ROUTE WOULD COME IN HANDY

IN YOUR LINE OF WORK.

MY LINE?

ASSASSINATIONS.

YOU DID HIRE HALVORSEN TO KILL JUAREZ, DIDN'T YOU?

OH, MR. WEST. I AM NOT THAT AMBITIOUS.

I AM NOT ACTIVE ENOUGH FOR SUCH A ROLE.

MY ONLY CONTRIBUTION TO THE CONSPIRACY

WAS TO BRING CERTAIN PEOPLE TOGETHER.

HALVORSEN, FOR ONE.

THEN WHO WAS THE MAN IN THE SHADOW?

I WOULD RATHER NOT DIVULGE THAT.

IF HE WANTS TO REVEAL HIS IDENTITY,

HE IS WELCOME TO DO SO.

I'D LIKE TO MEET YOUR FRIEND.

YOU'VE MET HIM ALREADY-- MORE THAN ONCE.

THE QUESTION IS, NOW,

WHAT WILL COME OUT OF THIS MEETING?

WELL, ONE OF US ISN'T GOING TO LEAVE HERE ALIVE,

IS THAT RIGHT?

IT IS RIGHT, SEÑOR WEST.

COLONEL ARSENIC.

OH, I'M SORRY, COLONEL.

I JUST THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE TO KNOW THE NAME

YOUR FRIENDS AND ADMIRERS CALL YOU BY.

AGAIN, I SHOULD HAVE SHOT YOU IN THE BACK,

BUT I COULDN'T RESIST THE URGE TO WATCH

THE LOOK OF ASTONISHMENT ON YOUR FACE,

AND NOW YOU DISAPPOINT ME.

YOU'LL GET OVER THAT.

YOUR NERVES REALLY ARE VERY GOOD. IT MUST BE THAT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU KNEW IT WAS I.

WHERE IS HALVORSEN?

I COULDN'T TELL YOU, COLONEL. HE ESCAPED FROM ME, TOO.

OH, YOU'LL TELL ME.

BEFORE I AM THROUGH WITH YOU,

YOU WILL TELL ME THINGS I DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW.

I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING FOR SURE.

MEXICAN SECURITY POLICE HAVE SURROUNDED THIS PLACE.

FRONT DOOR, BACK DOOR, AND SECRET DOOR.

THAT ISN'T SO, COLONEL. THAT ISN'T!

IMPOSSIBLE. NO ONE SUSPECTS ME.

EVERYONE KNOWS YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT.

BUT YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT, COLONEL,

AND YOU'VE HAD THAT.

LIEUTENANT.

THESE ARE MY SECURITY MEN.

WHERE ARE YOURS?

RIGHT HERE, COLONEL ARSENIC.

WE DO OUR OWN HOUSECLEANING, MR. WEST.

THERE.

NOW, HOW ABOUT A TOAST?

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, ARTIE.

COLONEL, TO THE MEMORY OF WHEN WE FIRST MET,

WHEN I KISSED YOU.

AS I RECALL, I FOLLOWED THAT UP BY SLAPPING YOU.

TRUE. BUT THE FIRST MEMORY OVERWHELMS THE SECOND.

AND WHAT ABOUT ME?

I HAVE NO MEMORIES AT ALL.

WELL, I FEEL MUCH BETTER. HOW ABOUT SOME DINNER?

I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND US BEING JUST A THREESOME.

OF COURSE NOT,

SINCE MY BODYGUARD WILL MAKE IT A FOURSOME.

YOUR BODYGUARD IS HERE?

WAITING OUTSIDE.

OH, LIEUTENANT RAMIREZ ATTENDS ME EVERYWHERE I GO.

SURELY, YOU CAN MAKE AN EXCEPTION

ON A FESTIVE OCCASION LIKE THIS, CAN'T YOU?

MY DEAR ARTEMUS... I WOULDN'T DREAM OF IT.

TENIENTE.

Sí, mi coronel?

LIEUTENANT RAMIREZ, SEÑOR JAMES WEST.

LIEUTENANT.

SEÑOR ARTEMUS GORDON.

SEÑORES.

ENCANTADO.

AFTER ALL, ARTIE, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG

WITH TAKING A LONELY SOLDIER TO DINNER.

- CAPTIONS BY VITAC-- BURBANK, PITTSBURGH, WASHINGTON

CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY PARAMOUNT DOMESTIC TELEVISION