All language subtitles for Raising Hope S03E04 If a Ham Falls in the Woods

Forty-five.

Don't let him win, Burt.

I'd rather melt cheese on cardboard

than eat a pizza with a whole wheat crust.

Hello, Chances.

I know it took me several weeks,

but I finally got through
Sabrina's grandmother's will.

Who's the kid?
This is Kevin.

I lost a key piece of evidence
in his father's murder trial,

so he'll be staying with me for
the next five to seven years.

So what did you find in the will?

Did I get anything else?

Well, there were giant sections
of legalese

that I honestly couldn't get through.

But according to Kevin,
I've got to give Jimmy

a simple dental exam.

Why?

She wanted to make sure

her descendants had good chompers.

Kevin, my tools.

I need to count your teeth.

Settling an argument again,

You know, some families make
decisions by flipping coins.

And some people wash their hands

after they fill up
their car at the gas station.

So we both have things to work on.

I'm sorry, wait, what's the deal?

Did we get the house or...?

Yep. She's all yours.

My associate has just reminded me,

you only get your grandmother's house

if you get married in the family church.

Nice work, Kevin.

What? Now she's dictating
where we get married?

I'm sorry, is there
anything in there about

how we have to consummate
our marriage or...?

Kevin says there isn't.

And what does "consummate" mean?

I got this.

Jimmy, go to the kitchen,
get me a banana and a donut.

Take a seat, Kevin.

Kick your feet up.

This is gonna blow your mind.

Whoo!

♪ Here we go

Loved the sermon.

That Jesus was one hell of a guy.

I wish I was the son of God.

Do you know how many pools I could clean

if I could walk on water?

You don't think you'd just be constantly

turning those pools into
giant cement boxes of wine?

Yeah, that could be a problem.

Guys, there's Reverend Bob.

Okay, when he's done
talking to those people,

let's just go over there,

Sabrina! Sabrina!

Good, it is you!

You know, I saw a mousy girl
with limp hair

and I just took a gamble.

There's somebody that I want you to meet.

I think he's my soul mate.

He is signing autographs.

He's a minor league baseball player.

You're dating "Rocket" Ricardo Montes?

He's the greatest thing

to happen to the Natesville Radishes

since they put that kangaroo
in left field.

Well, I'll introduce you.

But don't mention the kangaroo.

He dropped a fly ball

and cost Ricardo a no-hitter.

No, thanks. I get too nervous
around celebrities.

I met Scotch Wilkinson,

the Channel Five weatherman,
at a gas station one time.

I got so tongue-tied,
all I could yell was, "Weather!"

Ricardo, I would like you
to meet, but not judge me by,

my daughter Sabrina,

her fiancé Jimmy,
his child with a serial killer

and his poor parents.

Baseball!

Reverend Bob!

Sabrina, I haven't seen you here in years!

Well, this is my fiancé, Jimmy.

Loved the sermon.

I was totally surprised

when it turned out to be Jesus
carrying him on the beach.

Well, that Jesus was not
all great abs and nice hair.

Congratulations on your engagement.

Actually, we were hoping
that you would maybe marry us.

I'd be honored.

And here's the great news:

Our church is offering

a free weekend retreat

for our engaged couples.

We eat gourmet food,

we stay in deluxe accommodations,

we sign a waiver
promising not to fornicate.

Wow.

Sign me up for most of that!

Another fun thing we can't do
just 'cause we're married.

You can't be Miss America,
I can't go on The Bachelor.

I'm sick of this.

Right on, Burt.

I say it's time we fight back
against this discrimination.

Excuse me, Reverend Bob.

I'm Virginia Chance.

This is my fiancé.

Man, everyone gets to go

to a cool couple's camp except us.

Tamara Anderson-Collins-
Rabinowitz-Yang,

will you do me

the honor of becoming my wife

and making me the happiest relief pitcher

in the Single-A Developmental
Prospect League?

Yes, but can you wait three weeks

till my divorce is official?

For you, I could wait a month.

So, big weekend in the country,

Hey, I'm sorry for the short notice.

I really appreciate this.

Hope's over at Shelley's,

but Maw Maw and Shelley

aren't on the best of terms right now.

You know, they'll be okay
after the election.

I don't need anyone to babysit me!

I can feed myself, dress myself,
and wipe my own...

How did that get there?

Thanks, Barney.

You're a lifesaver.

No problem.
Have a great time!

Hi, Mom.

Can you put Mom on, too?

Hi, Mom.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to miss

my birthday brunch tomorrow.

Yeah.

Apparently, I was dead wrong.

Babysitting an old woman was not a ruse

to get me over here for my surprise party.

Don't get too comfortable.

If they're paying you,
you're gonna earn it.

Put these on.

I'll meet you in the bathroom.

Tequila!

Welcome, couples!

This is my lovely wife, Lisa,

whom I met in the Philippines.

In case you're wondering,

she's free to leave anytime she wants.

Lisa, would you give
our guests their welcome gifts.

Bags to people!

It's heavy.

This might be the Ten Commandments.

We got a ham?

We, too, got a ham.

The mystery thickens.

Yep, it's a ham, all right.

And T-shirts.

That smell like ham.

These hams represent your marriages.

If you can get through
the weekend with your hams

unscathed, hen you will have

the foundations in place
for an everlasting partnership.

Honey, with my marriage experience

and your rock-hard pecs, our ham
is gonna crush their ham.

Mom, this is about
strengthening our relationships.

This is not a competition.

Couples, are you ready
for a little competition?!

Whoo!

Okay, gentlemen,

while you were in the isolation bathroom,

we asked the ladies a couple of questions

and they wrote down what they thought

your responses would be.

If your spouse could be
married to a celebrity,

who would they choose?

Ricardo?

You are correct.

"Ricardo Montes!"

Burt?

Al Pacino.

"Al Pacino."

It'd be an easy transition.

Burt already says "Hoo-hah!"
a lot during sex.

Hoo-hah!

Jimmy?

Woody Allen.

"Ryan Gosling."

If you don't think he's so great,

why you make me watch
all those boring movies?

A meteor is heading to your house.

What would your partner say was
the one thing you would save?

Burt?

The world.

Jimmy?

I don't know.

We use the toaster oven a lot.

"Hope."

Yeah, that's better.

She's right on that one.

Burt, how did Virginia say

you would complete
this sentence? "I..."

"Never met a monkey I didn't
want to shake hands with!"

Come on, they're
getting all the easy ones!

Whoo!

What did your partner say

was her favorite food?

Burt?

Chicken Gordon Blue.

"Chicken Gordon Blue."

Ricardo?

She likes belly button berries.

"Anything off
Ricardo's stomach."

We'll give it to them.

Jimmy?

She always says when she's really hungry

that she could eat a horse.

So I'm going with horse.

It doesn't say "horse."

All right.

Now we're gonna send the women off

and we're gonna ask the men
a few questions.

We'll take a quick break.

Come on.

If it's your birthday,

we should hop a ride
on the old drunk train.

First stop,

Sloppytown.

All aboard!

If you think you can handle it.

I'm 40 years old, I live by myself,

and I manage a grocery store.

You don't think I drink?

You don't drink, do you?

A little wine on special occasions.

And we're back.

Thank you, Lisa.

I clearly asked you to get us
a pitcher of water,

but the dance was nice.

Okay, ladies, what did the men say is

your most embarrassing secret?

Tamara?

I'm not really 32.

"She's 33."

Plus tax and deposit.

Virginia?

Lost our sex tape.

"Lost our best sex tape."

Sabrina?

I'm afraid of spiders crawling in my ears,

so sometimes I sleep with
a panty-ho on my head.

"Sits backwards
on the toilet when she poops."

I enjoy reading,

and sometimes

it's easy to put the book on the...

the back of the toi...

Okay, you know what, great.

Now both these things are out there

and we haven't even got
one question right.

Ladies, what does your man consider

to be your cutest habit?

Virginia?

"Scrunches up her face
when she thinks!"

Ladies, what did the gentlemen
say was the biggest challenge

you've overcome in your relationship?

Sabrina?

I don't know. I give up.

We'll give it to you.

Virginia?
Got stranded in Cleveland.

"Got stranded in Cleveland."

Tamara?

He hates my church.

"Hates her church."

No offense, but your choir has no flair.

I'm doing the best I can with what I have!

Let's look at the final scores.

Let's show them what they've won!

Unfortunately, we only have
two deluxe cabins.

We had three, but the
meth-heads got into one

and blew it up.

This is where the losers have to sleep.

Man up!
Tomorrow's another day.

And I'm hoping y'all do better.

In fact, you have to,

if you want to get married in our church.

If he doesn't marry us,
we're gonna lose Nana's house

and wind up living in a dump like this.

Who cares about the house?

I mean, we only got one question right.

If we're gonna get married,

I just, I want us to be so connected

that we finish each other's...

Vegetables?

Laundry? Popcorn?

Take the ham.

I'm going to bed.

Now you're just throwing
our relationship around

like a piece of meat?!

I just hate to see them arguing like this.

They sound as bad as us

when we got stranded in Cleveland.

You were mad at me.

'Cause you promised
to stay awake on the bus

so we wouldn't miss
our stop in Indianapolis.

Wakey Burt makes promises
sleepy Burt can't keep.

Besides, once we got hoarse

from screaming, and you stopped
hitting me with your shoe,

we calmed down
and we figured it out together.

It was kind of romantic.

All those pretty fountains
we stole the coins from

till we had enough
to bribe the bus driver.

He let us stow away
in the luggage compartment

all the way back to Natesville.

The night we joined
the Two-Foot-High Club.

You thinking what I'm thinking?

We just got 20 out of 20 correct
answers in a compatibility game.

Of course I'm thinking
what you're thinking.

Hey, Sabrina?

Where'd the buildings go?

I think maybe

we moved, Jimmy.

All right, don't panic,

but I think there's a
spider under your panty-ho.

What?! God!

God!

Is it dead?

It was just a piece of lint.

I really think we're supposed
to find our way back to camp.

Only question is: which way?

I think that way.

All right, fine.

Let's hurry.

I think our marriage is leaking.

Are they back yet?
Did they walk in?

No, and stop panicking.

Your armpit sweat's running under my bra.

Okay, everybody, bad news.

Jimmy and Sabrina stole the trailer.

Wait!

We have a confession to make.

You know,

I used to think I didn't have
any friends because I was fat.

Now I've lost the weight, and
the only difference in my life

is eight cubic yards of extra skin.

Don't get me started on extra skin.

I'm three years away from being
able to tie my ass in a knot.

The point is, it's my birthday,

and I've never felt lower.

Now would be the perfect time

for everyone to jump out
and yell "surprise!"

You gonna keep doing that every 15 minutes

or are we gonna drink?

So we towed the trailer about
half a mile into the woods

so they would have to face a
challenge together like we did.

I don't mean to frighten anyone,

but based on the time my team
bus broke down in Death Valley,

pretty soon, they will be

at the point where
they will have to make a choice

between starving to death or...

eating the batboy.

They are not going to starve to death.

They have an entire ham!

Well, I hope they ditched the ham.

Those woods are full of bears.

Jimmy, throw the ham!

Throw the ham as far away as you
can and get him away from us!

I'm sorry!
It's a slippery ham!

Hams are slippery!

Well, that's not gonna last very long.

North American bears can eat
40 pounds of meat a day.

And since he's gearing up for hibernation,

he can eat twice that.

You know about bears?

Yeah, my dad and I watch
Bear Week every year.

Me, too. I did a report
on them in middle school.

See? We do have
stuff in common.

So, you realize that that means that bear

could climb up this tree very easily.

Yeah, second he's done
eating our marriage,

he's coming after us.

For the record, bears are no
longer my favorite animal.

Well,

I tried to call

the forest rangers, but our
telephone has been disconnected.

It seems that

a certain Miss Chatty-Chat
cannot seem

to get off the phone
to her mother in Manila.

"It's raining, it's raining,

it's raining."

We get it!

Do you have a gun?

I got a tranquilizer gun.

Then I shall use
your sleep-inducing gun

and I will save their life.

Or at the very least,

return with the horribly mangled
remains of your daughter,

so you can have some closure, my love.

Wow.

You know, not many men
can make the thought

of losing a child so sexy.

Now, before we get too crazy,

let's not rule out the possibility

of them walking through
that door at any second.

Okay, get the gun!

You're a good man, Barney.

Thanks.

I'm glad I didn't spend my birthday alone.

You're a fine lady,

Barbara June.

I hope you get your wish
and die peacefully.

Thank you.

You're not one of the sexy
ones, or the rich ones,

but y-you're one of
the good ones, Barney.

That's the most beautiful thing
anyone's ever said to me.

What did I say?

You sure this is a good idea?

No, but it's the best idea.

I mean, we jump out of the
tree, we make a lot of noise,

maybe we can scare the bear away.

Maybe I should try and scare him
and you should run.

What? No, Jimmy.

I'm not leaving you.

Till death do us part, right?

Hopefully not today, but yes.

I see them!

My God, they're being attacked by a bear!

Hold on, wait!

I want to record you saving my daughter.

She's always complaining that
I don't take enough home videos.

How long does it take one
of those tranquilizer darts

to knock a bear out?

I think about two minutes,
'cause on Bear Week,

they shoot the bear,
then they go to a commercial

for gold coins, cars and about
four other shows about bears.

And then they come back,
that thing's out cold.

Okay, go.

What happened?

Is Sabrina okay?

You're both fine.

It was awesome!

I filmed it with my phone.

Ricardo's first shot
missed the bear and hit you.

But then Sabrina came to your defense.

With his second shot,

he missed the bear again and hit Sabrina.

After the last shot, I got smart.

So I aimed for Sabrina

and hit the bear.

What happened?

Easy. Go slow.

Your 80-pound body took a dart
meant for a 400-pound bear.

I am so glad that you're both okay.

And I'm sorry that I ever doubted

whether you were compatible.

I mean, you fought a bear together,

for crying out loud.

I cannot think of
a better test of your love.

Jimmy, I love you!

Yuck.

Some couples know right away

that they're made for each other.

So, who is Antonio?

That's a long story.

Why? Does it make you jealous?

And some couples get better
the longer they're together.

What'd you snag?

Shampoo. How about you?

Conditioner!

Sabrina and me...
it took a moment of crisis

to see that we were meant to be together.

Let's go home and finish...

Each other's sentences?

I was gonna say, "getting the
bear slobber out of your hair,"

but I appreciate the effort.

And some other couples
were just getting started.

Hi, sugar.

My God.

Did we...?

Yeah.

Does that supermarket of
yours sell pregnancy tests?

Hi, Barney.

Virginia, you're home.

How was Maw Maw?

How do you mean that?

Alive or dead?

Alive.

Very alive.

I have to go home now

and take some showers.

Maw Maw?

What did you do to him?

He passed out in the kitchen,

so I pulled him into my bedroom
and let him think he got lucky.

It was my little birthday gift to him.

You didn't let him know
about the big surprise party

we're throwing him tonight, did you?

He has no idea.

== sync, corrected by Martzy ==
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