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[ Record Player: Man ]
♪ I'm still stuck--
I'm still stuck-- ♪

♪ I'm still stuck--
I'm still stuck-- ♪

♪ I'm still stuck
in the '60s ♪

♪ The Mamas and the Papas
still get to me ♪

♪ My hair is still long

♪ The New Right
is still wrong ♪

♪ And I still
ain't got my degree ♪

♪ I still ain't bought
a blue suit ♪

♪ I still ain't drunk
enough beer ♪

♪ I still ain't married
my wife ♪

♪ I ain't even picked
a career ♪

♪ What in the past
is the matter with me? ♪

♪ Now, why didn't I
evolve? ♪

♪ And why am I asking
the likes of you? ♪

♪ You got the same problem
to solve ♪

[ Announcer ]
Gallagher: Stuck in the '60s!

[ Audience Cheering ]

♪ Acid rock or Woodstock,
a relic of the psychedelic ♪

♪ We're still stuck
in the '60s ♪

♪ Same old modern world

♪ The radio plays
what it played back then ♪

♪ And we're still treatin' women
like girls ♪

♪ E.R.A.
Big delay ♪

♪ We're treatin' women
like girls ♪

♪ The cops
all gots mustaches now ♪

♪ Your mother
wears blue jeans ♪

♪ Back on the rack

♪ Is the miniskirt

♪ Are you beginning to see
what I mean? ♪

♪ Check it out now

♪ What in the past
keeps us coming back? ♪[ Audience Clapping Along ]

♪ That's a fact
every hippie knows ♪

♪ Because no bands
have replaced ♪

♪ The Beatles and even Bob
ain't no Dylan no more ♪

♪ So roll me
a golden oldie ♪

♪ Now take me where I been

♪ Set my mind
on a wilder time ♪

♪ It's the '60s
all over again ♪

♪♪ [ Stops ][ Audience Laughing ]

♪ It's the '60s
all over again ♪

♪ It's the '60s
all over again ♪

♪ Ba-da-da-boom ♪

I'm talkin' flowers!

Flowers!

Flower power!

Peace! Love!

Make love, not war!

Military-industrial
complex!

How many people
remember the '60s?

What a time!

What a time!
The blood was surging
through your veins, wasn't it?

Every day something else
was happening that affected you.

It was in the news.
It was on TV.
It was in the paper.

They was getting you
on the campus.

I went to school
for six and a half years.

It was a long war.

But wasn't it exciting?
Everything affected us.

There was the war
in Vietnam.

There was civil rights.
There was women's rights.

There was music happening
in all directions.

You could go acid rock
or you could go John Denver...

rock.

Either way--
Granny dresses
or psychedelic paint.

There was all kind of stuff
happening.

What's happening now?
Nothin'.

I am so bored,
I'm flashing back.

I mean, what can you say
about the '70s?[ Applause ]

I think everybody else is too.
I think you are.

Because we saw that the '70s,
we didn't come up with nothin'.

Started with Watergate
and ended with disco.

The first fad that was popular
'cause everybody hated it.

It's so dumb.

It seems like they're saying
let's redo the '60s,

and it just ain't
coming out right, is it?

[ Audience Groaning ]No.

You take the war.
The war in Vietnam was exciting.

We was all involved in it
or hiding from it...

or talking about it
or yelling--

But the war we've just had
was so silly,

the British
went to war for our side.

Against our archrivals,
the Argentines.

They attack real funny.
You know the British.

"See you in three weeks!"

Here we are at the equator.

Only a quarter
of the globe to go.

Then they show up
in Harrier jets.

I know we sold it to 'em,
but they're still kinda funny.

They want jets that hover
and then go down.

Leave it to the British
to want a jet that curtsies.

"Where's the war?
Teatime?"

Let's, uh--

Let's stick with violence.
It tells a lot about
the difference in a decade.

There was violence in the '60s
when they shot the president.

We didn't know who did it.
Could've been the Russians.
Could've been the Cubans.

Could've been the C.I.A.,
the F.B.I.

Johnson.
[ Laughs ]

But in the '80s, who was it?
We know.

Hinckley!

All by himself
in his motel.

"Think I'll shoot
the president."

It seems like these days
we're just playing with life,

like it really isn't
so serious.

Nobody believes they should
do anything to him
'cause he shot the pre--

"Oh, he couldn't
have been doing that.
That's too serious."

Good thing he didn't try
and steal the president's car.
He might have gone to jail.

You hear what I'm sayin'.

Right.
It's a crazy time out here.

Civil rights.
They were so worried.

We want equal opportunity
to have a job.

You got equal opportunity.
There ain't no jobs!

Then women's rights.

Oh, gee, in the '60s,
it seemed so exciting.

Surely it would happen.
This is America.
Majority rules.

Women are in the majority.
They'll vote themselves an
amendment to the Constitution.

In the '80s
we find out what?
No.

They found out when they
stood up for their rights,
they lost their seats.

I don't know.
There's just lots of
different... things.

Do you see these differences
as well?

When I was, uh--

When I was in the--

Yeah, I ain't quite
in the '60s.

People say to me now,
"How'd you lose your hair?"

I say,
"I lost it in Vietnam."

Boy, you women were sure
a letdown to me though.

Let's talk about
the difference
between the sexes.

This is touted a lot.

How many people believe
in equality of the sexes?

You're wrong.

It's equal but different.

Remember that
"equal but different" we tried
to pull on black people?

Now, I'm talking...

men's shortcomings.

Men can't handle Christmas.

Can they, women?[ Women ]
No!

No, they don't know how to shop.
They ain't used to shopping.

Women loveChristmas.
They love to shop.

Here comes an opportunity
to buy something
for everybody they know!

Can you believe it?

But men-- men don't care.
They don't want to shop.

In fact, if a man does
get done shopping,
he can't believe it.

He busts up at the house.
He just blows up.
He can't contain hims--

"You're gonna like it."

"I probably got you something
nicer than you got me."

So they bother you with it,
they bother you with it,
they bother you with it.

Finally you say,
"Give me the damn present."

You open it up,
and it's dumb.

Lucky for you,
now you got a couple days,
take it back to the store,

get something else
so when your mother
comes over...

she don't see
you're still married
to an idiot!

She really will!

All right, men,
I'm on your side here,

'cause women
can't throw a ball.

You're like this.

A man's left hand is as good
as a girl's right hand.

In fact, that'd be fair.
A man's left hand--

A girl's left hand
ain't worth nothin'.

They know it too.
All you can do is crook it
and hang a pocketbook on it.

Lot of women
shaking their heads.

I'm not saying what's right,
but the men agree.
Don't you, guys?

[ Men Cheering,
Applauding ]

I knew it. Women, you don't
get everything right.

Let me show you.

When you go out shopping,
you buy us underwear
that fits cardboard.

And they buy these damn things.
Don't they, guys?

This is called
the decorative chair cover.

Does this look like
your house?

Don't buy it!

Now I'm talkin'
the real difference
in men and women.

- Snake!
- [ Screaming ]

See?
All the guys are cool.

I'm on your side
today, guys.

I hope you score later.

Well, you're out here
at a show.

You're having
a laugh or two.

Later on you could
pop the question.
She'll be in a good mood.

She might even be laughing.

Even if she's just grinning.
It's real hard to go "No!"

All right!

Let's talk about sex
a minute here.

I'm gonna get down![ Cheering ]

I'm gonna get down!

I'm gonna get down
and poke my nose
in your business.

I'm gonna go
right in the bedroom.

I'm talking about
your relationship.

I'm talking about a crack in
your relationship, a problem--[ Laughing ]

Be nice.

I'm talking about a problem
each and every one of you have.

Don't feel cocky if you're
getting it once a night, 'cause
you might be gettin' it twice.

Each and every one of you
have a problem out there.

And it's the woman--
It's her fault, ain't it, guys?

[ Cheering ]

And the problem is
hangin' in the closet.
I'm gonna get it out now.

I'm gonna get out the problem
in your relationship
and solve it right now...

by saying it out loud.

Men, are you with me?
Get rid of this damn robe!

[ Cheering ]

Am I right?

If you never want
to have sex again,

wear this robe.

Am I right, guys?[ Man ]
You got it!

And thisbullshit!

Am I right, guys?[ Man ]
Oh, yeah!

Is this the look?

Now,

if this was just
a private problem,

I would not say anything.

If this problem
was just in your house,

I would not
poke my nose in.

But this has now become
a public travesty.

This is an "emedebic"--
Emedebic?

"Emedemic"
is closer to what it is...

than an epidemic.

'Cause this is some shit!

When you women start feeling
the least bit secure
around the house like this,

you know what's happened.

You went and found you
your tie.

You tied this up
real decent.

You got you something
for your hair.

You got you another shoe.

It matches the hat!

You grabbed your pocketbook
and you headed out...

for the grocery store.

You've seen it
in the produce section.

This...
is a hideous problem.

But can we really
blame the women?

[ Man ]
Take it off! Yeah![ Cheering, Applauding ]

No-- No, we've
got to blame Sears...

for startin' them out
in this.

I found this
in the junior miss section.

What would make a girl
so ashamed of her skin...

that she would wear a hood
and a place to hide her hands
in her house?

This is what you wear
if your father
is the Elephant Man.

If you have terminal acne,

you wear this.

This is the beginning,
this "I'm all upholstered" look.

And it moves right on.

Tell me, gang.

Is this not a dishrag?

You answer,
"Yes, this is a dishrag!"

[ All ]
Yes, this is a dishrag!

Does it make it
any less a dishrag
if the stripes are wider?

[ All ]
No!

Let me show you
a further epidemic.

It looks nicer
than the others!

It's called a house dress.

As in "As big as."

The tag says "Eye full."

So is the back.

Now they move on
into the bigger sizes.

[ Audience Hooting,
Groaning ]

Yes, a square half-acre.

This--

This is what
a woman wears...

when she's tired to trying
to make it fit her shape
and just sews along the edges.

You wear this when you want
to sneak into the bed with food.

Just put the platter under there
and away you go.

Ends up there anyway.

Now, here's the one.

This is what a woman calls
her good robe.

She puts this on
on an evening...

when she'd
like to get screwed,

but if it don't happen,
fuck it.

And if she don't get it,
this is what she puts on
the next night.

This Christmas
Grandma made me...

this.

Grandma said...

"What color you want?"

I said,
"It don't matter."

Grandma showed me
it damn sure doesmatter!

There are colors here...

that do now exist
in the natural rainbow.

Some of these colors
exist only in yarn.

I'm speaking the truth.

And I'm not
just blaming the girls.

This...

is a problem.

When we're starting kids out
at such an early age...

with Bert and Ernie,

later on
thislooks conservative.

That's the problem.

It's not just
one sex or another.

Sometimes
it's both of you.

You're both buying these things,
and they're the stupidest
damn things I've ever seen.

I didn't say anything when
the dogs were playing cards.

But now that the cats
are playing cards,

you know--

[ Cheering, Applause ]

I mean--

You can't get a cat
to shit in a box.

You don't want him to
ante in on your table.
Okay?

Well, if the cats
can play cards,
then of course...

the dogs can shoot pool.

How you gonna make a bridge
with a paw?

And the "optimon"
of stupidity...

is trying to make people believe
it's okay for your son to read
the book in the living room...

with the lion.

It's a hideous,
hideous stupidity.

I see it
all around the country.

[ Cheering, Applause ]

This is Michigan.

Now, when I say
I'm stuck in the '60s,
I'm talking about my mind.

I'm not talking about
the way I dress.

In fact, the dumbest thing
about the '60s
was the way we dressed.

But I'm talking about
the mind of the '60s...

that asked questions, see.

Went right up against Michigan.
[ Chuckles ]

I still have a problem
in Michigan when I take my
'60s kind of mind up there.

And I just ask some stuff?
I see on TV-- You tell me.
Is this not dumb?

I'm watching TV.
They had taken
a bunch of blind people.

They thought they'd do
something real nice.

They took a bunch of
blind people that normally
don't get a chance to hunt.

That isdumb, isn't it?[ Audience ]
Yeah!

Well, they wouldn't laugh!

I began to wonder.

But I thought, what is dumber
than a blind person with a gun?

That would be
handing themthe gun.

Where do you hide from
a blind person with a gun?

How do you make a noise
that ain't like a rabbit?

This is the problem.
It's this kind of
overall stupidity.

I don't know.
Do you see it?

[ Audience ]
Yeah!

I saw it just the other day.
I'm walking up to a buffet.

I didn't think,
"Well, gee, how could I find
stupidity at a buffet?"

I'm walking up
to the buffet, and I said,
"I'd like to have the buffet."

And then he says,
"Is that onefor the buffet?"

I said, "Yeah.
That's why I used 'I.'

I'd like to go over
to the buffet."

I should have known
it was dumb to begin with.

You don't have a maître d'
at a buffet.

It's like a hubcap
on a tractor.

Really. So I say,
"I'd like to go over
to the buffet."

And he says,
"Wait a minute. We'll
show you to your table."

"I ain't eatin' my table.
I want the buffet."

So he says,
"Well, you don't
understand."

I said,
"I understand. You see this?

I've played buffet before.

I know what you do.

You're gonna take me over there,
open up the table,
slide me in-- cramme in.

Five minutes later, a guy that
don't speak English is gonna
give me a glass of water...

I ain't gonna drink.

Ten minutes later,

a waitress is gonna come over
and she's gonna say,
'What you want?'

I say, 'I want the buffet.'
she says, 'It's over there.'"

[ Applause ]

Many times you have to point out
stupidity in high places.

I had to tell the judge
he was stupid the other day.

[ Audience ]
Ooh!If he is, I have to say it!

I got a speeding ticket,
went before the judge and said,

"I'd like to go
to traffic school."

He says, "That's okay.
But don't be late."

I said, "Judge, that's
the same shit got me here!"

The other day
I'm sitting on the plane.

Which is a real problem
to me anyway,
the damn airport.

It is. I swear,
I just wanna get 'em so bad.

I went up and I got 'em
the other day.

I said, "I'm going to Atlanta.
I'd like this bag to go to
Denver and this one to Miami."

They said, "We can't do that."
I said, "You did it yesterday."

So I'm sitting on the plane,
and the pilot gets on and says,

[ Pronouncing Sibilant S's ]
"Stewardesses, take your seats."

I thought,
"Wow, I don't know.

I'm pretty liberal,
but geez--"

This is my life, you know?
What if he flies like he talks?

So he's back on.
"Welcome to Sun service
to San Francisco, San Jose...

and Spokane."

I thought, "Geez,
this isn't gonna be good."

Too late though.

"Fasten your seat belts!"

I said, "Yeah, 'cause we're
comin' slidin' down the runway!"

Somebody spit all over
the steering wheel!

I don't know.
Am I wrong there?

[ Audience ]
No!

I just demand something.
I demand to be served right.

[ Man ]
Damn right.I demand it.

Maybe that's not the '60s.

I didn't serve in the '60s.

But-- Well, like
remember service stations?

Remember that?[ Audience ]
Yeah!

Boy, wasn't thatsomething?

Remember
there was a dinger bell,
an air hose?

You'd come driving in,
it goes "Ding-dong!"
The dude come running out!

"How may I serve you?
Let me get the oil, the water,
the gas, the windshield.

Let me do every damn thing
I can for 32.9!"

Now what is it?
It's a buck now, come down
from a buck and a half.

Gone from "impossible"
to "improbable."

And the dude lives
in a little house
way over there.

You gotta go,
"Hey! Turn on the pump!"

[ Applause ]

You know?

"Abro o pumpo."

You wanna communicate.
What are you gonna say?

"Mucho-Test?"

"Ocho-tane"?
What are you gonna say?

Have you ever asked 'em
for a quart of oil
over in the little house?

"What do you want
a quart of oil?
At a gas station?

Go to a grocery store
where you belong!"

For real.

- Am I wrong about this?
- No!

Good!

I thought I was.

We try and communicate out
on the road with each other...

and be in agreement
on stupidity.

Don't we? Don't you?

I see your faces
out on the road.

When we see an idiot driving,
we all look around
at each other and go--

I feel that camaraderie
of people...

whose minds demand
a little bit of reason too
when you're driving.

These people
are such idiots.

You always know
they're in a hurry...

to get someplace
and screw it up.

They go real fast in this lane,
then jam on the brakes.

'Cause they can't
get through.

You know you couldn't
get through, otherwise you'd
have driven over there. Right?

So they fade back,
they fade back,

they come around,
they come around,
they go realfast.

Then they slam on
the brakes again
'cause they can't get through.

Right?
But you can see that.

That's why you didn't go
over there.

If they were smart,
they'd hang back with you.

'Cause you know there's a light
up there where they're gonna
have to stop in a minute anyway.

No sense racing up
and sitting there
for the whole light.

You can just tool up
behind 'em, get out of the car,
plenty of red,

walk up,
tap on the window,
say...

"What the fuck
was all that back there?"

See, you got to call people
on stupidity when they do it.

They don't expect you to.

I have so much to say
when I'm in a car
and I only have a horn.

It don't say enough.

A horn just goes,
"Screw you!"

I have so many
other things to say.

I'd like to have
a microphone.

Microphone
with a speaker up on top,
like the cops got.

You can have 'em too.

Freedom of speech
includes volume.

That'd be cool,
wouldn't it?

That way when we wanted
an agreement on something,
we could just call out.

You'd go, "Is it me,
or is thatan asshole?"

I got lots of ideas.

Let me show you one.
Didn't I have one over here?
Yeah.

Let me show you on this.
I got an idea.

You know, truckers are
really bugging me lately.

These truckers,
they run right up
on the back end of you.

You know how they do?
They run right up,
run right up, run right up.

We're driving
these little cars too.

I can't believe
Americans would drive...

these little
rice-burning cars!

[ Applause ]

I look at that and I say,
"You could've had a V-8!"

Yes!

I wanted to show you.
My new idea is to have--

redesign the truck
so that the truck driver...

is in a little more at jeopardy
when he comes up behind you.

See, you make him drive--

Right out
in the front there.

See?
I got lots of ideas.

I just ain't in charge.

But I'm investing my money
in these ideas.

You got to have something
to put your money in.

I can let you people in on it.
If you like any of the ideas,
you can just give me some money.

I'm coming out with something
to help kids eat greens.
Kids don't wanna eat greens.

Peas on the cob.

It confuses 'em a little.

Let me see.
I got a Zen laxative.

All Things Must Pass.

Sometimes all you need
is a catchy little name!

This is America!

Right?[ Audience ]
Right!

Just make money.
That's all.Right!

It's a game.

You win if you got
lots of money!Yeah!

All right,
so how about a sweetener...

made from the pollen that bees
get from marijuana flowers.

[ Audience Cheering ]

Ready for the name?

Sweet'n High.

Now, I don't want you people
to think that I experiment
with drugs, 'cause I don't.

I'm into
full-scale research.

But someone must carry on
this vital work now that
Delorean's out of de business.

[ Applause ]

Boy, don't you wish
you'd have run across his ass
before the feds did?

What a babe in the woods!

I'd have said, Delorean, you're
slapping fate in the face,
pushing your luck.

You don't go through L.A.X.
with 220 pounds!

You're allowed three bags.

[ Applause ]

Seventy pounds each!

The sky cap
could have busted his ass.

"What do you got
in here, man?"

He's so cocky.
"Could we just blow?"

But he's innocent.

He can prove it.
I can prove it.

Obviously wasn't
using cocaine.

Otherwise his mind
would've been racing.

When the feds come up,
he'd have come up with a story.

Wouldn't you?
"What am I gonna do?
What am I gonna do?

I'm... working on a car
that runs on cocaine."

Then they say,
"No, Delorean, that'd be
too expensive to drive."

He says,
"You just snort-start it.

Then it runs
anywhere there's a white line."

But I like Delorean.
I like his style.

Dig the dude's scope.

He said, "I can't make
stainless steel, gull-winged,
futuristic cars...

in the middle of
a civil rebellion
in Ireland?

Well, then I'll be
the biggest cocaine dealer
in Los Angeles."

Style!

This man knew
that the world wasn't conquered
by Alexander the Average,

Ivan the Bland
or Attila the Ho-hum.

It was somebody
that took ahold of the world
and did something.

We don't teach that.

We teach our little kids
communist theories.

We have communist institutions
in our society...

which suppress
the individual.

Yes, I'm talking about...

the Boy Scouts.

Trustworthy, loyal, helpful,
friendly, courteous, kind,

obedient, cheerful, thrifty,
brave, clean and reverent...

is the biggest bunch
of bullshit...

I have ever heard!

"Trustworthy, loyal."
Isn't that the same thing?

It begins
by being redundant.

Always be suspicious
of someone who has
too much to say.

Except for me.

Trustworthy, loyal,
helpful, friendly.

Helpful andfriendly?
Helpful isfriendly.

Who in the hell is gonna go,
"Give me this. I'll carry this.
You're so stupid"?

Courteous, kind, obedient.

You hear this?
This is a slave or a dog.

Not a free-thinking individual
that's gonna do things
on his own.

Where's the "number one"
spirit in there anywhere?

Winners.
Ain't that American?

We're telling them
to be thrifty and brave.

Save a penny,
risk your life.

Makes no sense.

Why don't we just tell 'em
"be hip"?

Be hip, dude.
Don't wear that.

Be hip and be rich.

You wanna tell the little dude
to be something he might be,
say, "Be rich, dude."

You be rich, you don't have to
be trustworthy, loyal,
helpful, friendly--

All right, I just got
one more idea. For a TV.

You watch these guys
all the time,

and that's basically
the picture that you always see.

I got little TV bodies
that would complete--

Now, I invented this here.
This is a good use
of these old water bottles.

When you're in a room
with a smoker, you just
stick this over his head.

And, uh, of course
you've all seen this before.

This is just a little invention
of mine, but I still think
it's very good.

Well--

Maybe we could take
just a moment here to relax.

Let me get my guitar.

[ Applause, Cheering ]My old stool out here.

Settle down
and sing a song.

[ Applause Continues ]

All right.Whoo!

This is the spontaneous
portion of the show.

Would anyone like
to just ask me a question?

Any question.
I can handle it. Yes, sir.
The Mexican over there.

What?What happened
to the other car?

What happened
to my other car?You used to drive out here.

The one I used to drive?
This is a new show.

This is a new day.
This is a new year.

Welcome to today.

[ Laughing ]

I had a new van door.

'Cause vans were in the '60s.
Vans are cool.

Vans are still neat.

You pack up
everything you need
in the van.

Whenever you want it,
slam on the brakes and it hits
you in the back of the head.

Thank you. Are there any more
just spontaneous questions?

[ Man ]
How come we didn't get
any cookies tonight?

You did not get
any cookies tonight? Yes.

Well, comedy is
a surprise, you see?

If I did
exactly what you expected,
then it wouldn't be damn funny!

[ Applause Continues ]

You guys.[ Cheering,
Whooping ]

Yee-ha!

All right.

Hey, let's just take a--

Let's take an opportunity
to get on down here.

Just relax and talk
a little bit.

Get kinda family.

How many people
came from a family?
You came from a family.

Well, then
a few of you can--

can kind of identify.

I think the '60s kind of had
a family attitude to it.

I hope that it
carries on now.

We were all involved
in each other's lives.

You need to do that,
even if it's a little thing.

Like, you see some guy
walking along the street...

with his pants down
to the crack of his ass.

It looks bad
for the whole town.

You know?

Just come up and say,
"Will you pull up
your damn pants?

Where's your mother?"

Does your mom come over--
My mom don't come over no more.

I don't know.
I'm glad she don't.

She'd always barge in
the bathroom.

Mothers think they can
just barge in the bathroom.

Sometimes I'm in there
thinkin' about stuff.

One day I was in there.

I was wondering where
your lap goes when you stand up.

And I go,
"Now I don't have a lap.

Now I do have a lap.

Now I don't have a lap.

Now I do have a lap.

No, that's backwards."[ Laughing ]

[ Cheering,
Applauding ]

"Now I have a lap.
Now I don't have a lap."

Then Mom comes in. I said,
"I wonder where it goes?"

She says,
"It doesn't matter.
Flush it."

Mom was more realistic
than-- than Dad.

Dad tried to teach me.
He wanted to teach me.

Did your dad
try and do that?

"I wanna teach you, Son.
Go ahead, ask me
some questions."

So I think, "Okay, boy.

Did Ray Charles ever hit
his tooth on the mic?"

Dad says, "I don't know."

I said, "If Janet Guthrie
wins the 500, will she have to
kiss the pretty girl?"

"I don't know."

Do single people
have dirty backs?

"I don't know."

If the flying saucers land
and little green guys get out
and they're in the nude,

we won't know
what not to look at.

Might be
on top of their head.

Might tip their hat
and expose themselves, you know.

So I'd ask Dad these things.

If M&M's melt in your mouth
but not in your hand, what do
they do, say, under your arm?

Dad says, "I don't know."

I said, "Do you mind me
asking you these questions?"

He says, "No.
How else you gonna learn?"

He said, "I wanted to talk
to you about sex anyway."

I said, "Okay,
what you wanna know?"

[ Laughing,
Applauding ]

Dad says,
"No, you can ask me anything.
I think it's about time."

I said, "Okay, why is there
only eight and a half months...

between your anniversary
and my birthday?"

Yep. Dad said, "We're gonna
have to have a man-to-man talk."

I said, "Why does
a man-to-man talk always take
place between a man and a boy?"

Then Dad answered me
with a question. He said,
"You want your face slapped?"

I said,
"No, but I could use my butt
kicked. What do you say?"

That's why they call it
rearin' a child.

[ Audience Groans ]

Hey, sometimes words
do mean what they say.

Or they have extra meanings,
and sometimes they have meanings
they shouldn't have.

Like I heard hungjury
the other day.

And I say,
"What, all guys?"

What'd I hear the other day
seem really fun--
"Urban guerrillas."

I see this gorilla out
mowin' the yard.

Leanin' on the fence,
talkin' to the neighbors.

Doesn't your mind
fill with images
as you hear these words?

That's what the words are for.
It's what language is all about.

I see
"drive-through hamburgers."

Yah!

Birds Eye Foods
is real dumb.

You don't, like, get a pack
of peas with "Birds Eyes"
on the outside.

God!

I saw--
A can said, "Pepsi Free."

And I said, "That means
it don't have Pepsi in it."

"That's a Coke."

"Hog futures."
I heard that.

Hogs don't have no future.

Bacon is not a career.

What'd I hear?

The other day I heard
"solo synchronized swimming."

What is that?

If you're by yourself,
what can you synchronize with?

Sounds dirty.

Like "breeding horses."
That's--

You say, "What do you do?"
"We breedhorses."

"Oh, yeah? What's involved?"
You know, "Go on.
Get up there now.

Go on. Get up there.
You'll like her.

She's big-boned.

She has a nice personality."

What'd I hear?
Well, "horse racing."

Do you ever hear about that?
That seems strange to me.

Horses don't wanna race.

It's them little sumbitches
on their back.

You put horses
bare naked in the stalls,
ring the bell, open the gate,

they just go,
"La, la, la. La, la, la."

"Eat some grass.
Loveyour tail."

Horse race is over too fast,
I was thinkin' the other day.

It's about a minute and a half.
That's too quick.

Oughta have big people
for jockeys.

Dick Butkus
should've been a jockey.

Retired football players
get jobs as a jockey,

and then the horses' legs
are bucklin' on the backstretch.

And he comes draggin' him
across the finish line.

Cut out
that photo finish bullshit.

Can you believe it? We're gonna
take a picture of the finish
and tell you what it said.

Not with my two dollars.

Topless female jockeys.
Now--

[ Cheering,
Applause ]

Now I'll buy
a photo finish.

"Won by a nose!
No. Oh, my God."

[ Chuckling ]

"If she hadn't been excited,
she'd have lost
that damn race."

Let me see.

What was I inventin'?
A sport the other--
Oh, skeet golf.

Everyone say it now.

[ Audience ]
Skeet golf.Isn't it fun?

You take all your regular clubs.
Everyone say it now.

Skeet golf.

You take all your regular clubs
and your shotgun.

You go ahead and drive,
and if that ball goes
anywhere you don't want it,

get out the gun
and blow it up!

It's legal.

You can't play it where it lies
if it don't lie.

See, we need to invent.
Keep your mind active now.

Get that '60s feelin'
about stuff.

Make your demands to be served.

I'm watchin' basketball.
Boy, is it gettin' easy.

The guys are gettin' taller.
The basket ain't gettin'
no higher.

Is it? No, they're dunkin' it
forward, dunkin' it backward.

Put your foot in your ear
and dunk.

Right. Oughta put the pole
back under the basket.

So when you come in
for a layup, you get laid up.

We need some more
"agony of defeat."

Am I right, gang?Yeah!

Oh, we gots our demands.
We need to be involved.

We need to be entertained.
We need video games.

Yeah![ Chuckling ]

Well, one thing
about video games.

At least it keeps you
from watching so much TV.

Do you have a video game
in your relationship?

You calling each other
Player 1 and Player 2?

Come on, Player 2!
Come on, Player 2!

How many people
are involved in a relationship?

How many people are married?
Married people.

All right, you're not
involved in a relationship.

If you're involved
in a relationship,

you wanna know who's in charge
in your relationship.

When you're laying in bed
at night and you notice
the light is still on,

you get up to go turn it off,
look back in bed,
'cause that's who's in charge.

Sometimes you look
at something 10, 12 times
and it don't seem dumb.

Then that one time
you look at it, you go--

I saw Dandy Don Meredith
the other day on TV,

standin' in a furry coat
in front of a snowstorm...

with a glass
of Lipton Iced Tea.

"Iced tea in the wintertime?
Why not?"

'Cause it's fuckin' dumb,
that's why.

Let me see if you've seen this
and you didn't think
it was stupid.

Dog food where the flavor
matches the shape.

What? What dog
eats 'em one at a time?

[ With French Accent ]
"Oh, the cheese-shaped one.
I'll taste that.

And now the chicken.
Maybe that, yeah.

The taste corresponds."

A dog eats 'em all at once.

He tastes a mush
of all the flavors.

See, it's frivolous,
superfluous
products in America.

Like scented toilet paper...

is the dumbest thing
in the world.

It's the only thing you don't
have to make smell good...

'cause it's gonna get fucked up!

Who is that smell there
to impress?

My thumb?

If you wanna impress my thumb,
make it thicker in the middle.

It's the same thickness where it
ain't supposed to rip as it is
where it is supposed to rip.

Is that dumb?

Has anybody ever needed
one of them little squares?

I use two for a booger.
Don't you?

I don't go diggin'
with one ply.

What'd I see the other day
seemed so dumb?

This woman comes
walkin' in the butcher shop
carryin' a plant.

And the butcher says,
"Your plant's dry." She says,
"So's your pork chops."

Any real man would say,
"What are you doin',
setting me up, bitch?

You wanna say something
about my meat,
you go ahead and say it.

Don't have to carry a plant
around. What if I had said
something about you?

Your legs don't touch
at the top."

Ha-ha-ha!

Really?

They think
we're just all foam heads.

Beer, you know?
Gotta have a beer
all the time.

Beer, beer, beer.Yeah!

Yeah!Yeah!
All right!

Well, it ain't the only way to
celebrate your accomplishments.

I saw this-- These three guys
climb a mountain.
Have you seen this commercial?

They get up to the top and say,
"Boy, this ain't enough.
We oughta have a beer."

Then one says, "You got
three in your backpack!"
[ Guffaws ]

This guy's real smart.
Carried three clinkin' beers
up the mountain, didn't know it.

Now he's gonna share 'em.

If you carried three beers,
wouldn't they be yours?

See, you got to question
this stuff. Just don't
let it slide on by.

These people
are diabolical on TV.

Have you ever seen-- Uh,
have you watched the late movie?

[ Man Clapping ]Okay, one guy.

Who watched it with him?
Somebody watched it.

He didn't stay up by himself
and watch the movie!

Who watched the movie with him?Yeah!

You did?
What is your name, dude?

I'm Rick.You're Ray?

- Rick.
- Rick. "I'm Rick."

Like nobody else is Rick.

Damn, I'm glad
I finally run across him.

I have met
so many impostors.

Damn, you're a big Rick,
ain't ya?

Let me see
just how tall you'd be
if I was to come up agin ya.

[ Laughing ]

How ya doin'?

Well, I'd only
come up agin him once.

Rick, boy, I'm glad--
You must have a job.
Don't ya?

You got on your work clothes.
You come fresh from the job
to the show, didn't you?

Late show.The late show.

[ Laughing,
Applauding ]

Is Rick together
with me on this?

Rick, when you was watchin'
that late movie,

did you ever see a lot
of public service announcements?

That's true.You did, didn't you?

Sometimes you'd see
the same one two and
three times, didn't you?

- That's right.
- Did you see any
during the Super Bowl?

Nope.

Wouldn't that have been
a nice time to talk about
child abuse?

That's why
I'm talkin' to you, Rick.

You got
any children livin'?

No.That's what I thought.

He done kill 'em.

But you see what they do,
they pass a law in Washington.

Them boys puff themselves up
real big and pass a law...

that a certain percentage
of the broadcast day must have
public service announcements.

And the networks said,
"Oh, yeah?

Put 'em at the end."

Right?
That's our world. Hey.

It's laid out right,
ain't it?

Gotta get your mind in the '60s
and see if this shit
don't make sense. Does it?

Does it?No!

Stick with me on this.
You think I'm the only one that
don't like the phone company?

No!Am I?

No!I'm so tired...

of hearing them say,
"You could hold down
the cost of your phone bill...

if you would look it up
yourself in the book."

I know it.

Do they have a book
down there? No.

They have a computer,
don't they? Why?

'Cause the book is dumb!

Whose idea was it anyway
to give everybody
in town a number?

Why don't you just dial
their name?

[ Applauding ]

You might get
a wrong number sometime,

but it would be
the right name!

Mary Smith would be there!

It'd be nicer than getting--
These nice things.

"Mary Smith."
They go, "Mary? No!"

You know?
You'll be a little bit right.

Plus, we could handle it, see?

If they wanna hand stuff out,
give us computers.

The book is obviously
a dumb idea.

If you wanna cut down
on the cost of the phone bill,
quit printin' the damn books!

Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
I did not come here tonight
just to make you laugh.

I came here
to sell you something.

And I want you to pay
particular attention...

because in the modern kitchen
there is a standard rule...

that for every kitchen task,
you must have the proper tool.

You've got your corers,
your borers,

your graters, your shredders,
your hashers, your mashers,
your hammers and "frammers,"

your "mealers" and peelers,
corkscrewers and skewers,

and knives, you wives
and dish-washing daughters,

will find in the depths
of the dirty dishwater.

But you want all that shit
in your drawers?

No!

You want all that shit
in your drawers?

No!

Well, the amazing
Mastertool Corporation,

a subsidiary
of Fly-By-Night Industries
has entrusted who-- me--

to show you the handiest
and the dandiest kitchen tool
you've ever seen.

And don't you want to know
how it works?

Yeah!Well, first you get out
an ordinary apple.

You place the ordinary apple
between the patented pans.
Then what do you do?

You reach for the tool
that is not a slicer, is not
a dicer, is not a chopper.

What in the hell
could it possibly be? Hey!

Sledge-O-Matic![ Cheering ]

Sledge-O-Matic!

What is it?

What is it?

What is it?

[ Shrieking,
Laughing ]

Don't lettuce go good?

Look at that again!

Don't lettuce go good!

It goes better
than these guys.

I hate cottage cheese.

Boy, do I hate it.

Isn't that somethin'?

[ Cheering ]

Here goes the chicken.
The chicken.

There we go. No problem.

[ Audience Members
Shouting ]

Ladies
and gentlemen,

I don't want to end
a very smart show...

with a lot of stupidity.

So instead...[ Man ]
Watermelon.

I would like to leave you
with these words of wisdom.

One should always remember,
don't pick shit up.

[ Laughing ]

Chances are, when you need it
again, it'll be right there
where you left it.

I want you to remember
behind every successful man...

is an amazed mother-in-law.

[ Laughing,
Applauding ]

So--

So I think it's worth
trying to succeed...

just for the opportunity
of fuckin' her up.

[ Cheering ]

Don't, uh--

Don't think that just because
I haven't paid--

[ Audience Cheering ]

any attention
to this little watermelon.

Is there anyone
that particularly does not
want me to smash this pig?

No!

Well, then let's go ahead
and do it!

♪ The cops
all got mustaches now ♪

♪ And your mother
wears blue jeans ♪

♪ Back on the rack
is a miniskirt ♪

♪ Are you beginning to see
what I mean? ♪

♪ Check it out now

♪ What in the past
keeps us coming back? ♪

♪ That's a fact
every hippie knows ♪

♪ Because no bands
have replaced ♪

♪ The Beatles and even Bob
ain't no Dylan no more ♪

♪ So roll me a golden oldie

♪ Now take me where I been

♪ Set my mind
on a wilder time ♪

♪ It's the '60s
all over again ♪

♪ Sixties all over again

♪ Oh, it's the '60s
all over again ♪

♪ Ba-da-da-boom ♪