All language subtitles for Gallagher.Sledge-O-Matic.com.2000.480p.DVDRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.LT]

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Big Daddy signed my melon!

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.LT

Got his autograph right here!

I feel so violated.

[thunder crashes]

[explosion]

[ominous music plays]

[up-tempo music plays]

[audience cheering, applauding]

[up-tempo music plays]

[cheering]

[cheering]

Ahhh!

Late! Late!

Come in late to the show, huh?

Front row center
at a Gallagher show, late.

He won't mind.

You got mustard all over you.
Let me help you.

[cheering]

You know,
you missed the candy.

You want a Baby Ruth
or a Mounds?

Mounds.

Mounds are [bleep].

[laughter]

Everybody in here knows it.
Look at the kid behind you.

How old are you?
Ten years old,

knows a Baby Ruth
is better than a Mounds.

That's why he was in his seat.
Or is it a girl?

I can't tell anymore. Huh?

Are you a boy or a girl?

Huh? It's just a head sticking
out of a plastic bag!

Looks like
Jeffrey Dahmer's garbage.

[cheering]

Well, what--
is that your mom?

Is that your mom there?

Well, is that a boy or a girl?
What is it?

It's a boy! All right!

It looks a lot like you.
Oh, is that your son too?

That one looks like him.

So sometimes, you use his sperm,
sometimes you don't.

All right,
what one do you want?

Chunky, or this yellow,
faggy little thing?

You want the little yellow
faggy thing,

'cause you look like Mom
and you want Chunky.

It's hard to tell
who's a He-Man anymore.

Here's two of these wrestlers
I got.

They got these magnets at the
end. You like 'em, don't you?

I heard a kid was all excited.

What are you raising
your hand for?

I'm not giving away
my good [bleep].

Look at this.
One guy lifts the other. Oh!

Is that gay or what?

Look at him, he's got, like,
red things on his pants

and, uh, it's all...
What's his name? Nash.

He's got blonde hair.

Like Hulk used
to have blonde hair.

Look at this old doll.
This one's an old one,

when Hulk had some hair.

Now, he lost his hair
and he wears this rag now.

This one, you push the button
in the back

and his arm just moves
a little-- Look.

You couldn't even masturbate
with that much-- Look.

[laughter]

Maybe it's broken now.
Maybe--

You can have my broken one.

Bro-- quit fighting over it!

It landed on you
and you didn't grab it!

He got it! Hey! Hey!
Pay attention!

[audience shouting]

You can fight over it later.
That's your brother?

Oh. Oh, your best friend,

you're fighting
with your best friend.

A lot of good that makes,
a best friend, right?

Just somebody close to hate.

Look here, this is, um...

Uh... oh, it's like
an accountant.

Uh... Goldberg, right.

Yeah, it's Goldberg.

Well, it ain't exactly
a wrestler name.

But that's who--
Actually, I'm trying

to look like Steve Austin.
But I...

-[cheering]
-I look...

I look more like Goldberg
I think.

Let me see.

This, I thought,
this was Steve Austin.

But it's just another Goldberg.
He can have different, uh,

different build.
This one you can just

do his feet real funny.

See, if you had--
if you'd have shared with him,

I might have given you
something else for sharing.

That was all a test.
You can't act like

that is the last thing
in the world.

There's other things
that you can get.

-Those are moms clapping.
-[laughter]

-I should have used my whistle.
-[whistle sputters]

Oh, [bleep] whistle is that?

-[blows whistle]
-See, it looked like

a little soccer ball,
I thought that would be cute.

But then it's one
of these Chinese things.

-[blows whistle]
-Just made to sell,

it ain't made to work.

What are you guys upset about?
You ain't Chinese, are you?

Huh?

They don't know how to make
something the kids really want.

It's hard. Look at this.
This is a ridiculous idea.

Let me show that to the camera.
Look at this.

This, you're supposed
to throw this against a wall

and then it can
come back to you.

[laughter]

But, if you--
so you throw it that way,

which means it goes
in the wrong direction there

just to come in the
right direction back.

You could just throw it
in the right direction there,

and I think sometimes
it turns around. Let me see.

[shouts] Scared the cameraman.

All right, what's going on here?

Sit down. Well, get in here
during showtime.

There are--
there's not a seat there.

You have tickets?
All right, I tell you what.

Everybody here get up
and move over.

'Cause there's
an empty seat there.

Oh, are you in the wrong seat?
Okay.

All right, everybody here...

Oh, you didn't wanna sit
next to Mr. Mustard?

Well, who wants your butt
in their face

the whole way across now?

Look at this poor little girl,
she has to--

You and your damn drunk ass
in her face.

All right, sit down!

The hell you wearing your
crocheted damn top for

to a Gallagher show?

-Huh?
-[cheering]

Did you feel the excitement
in the room?

Why would you wear a crocheted,
nice, uh, white top

that might get something on it

to the third row
of a Gallagher show? Huh?

What are you, an idiot?

That's a problem.
It's not just the little boys.

Everybody in this country
needs a good whipping.

They don't know what
the hell they're doing,

they're getting away
with everything,

the schools don't
teach them nothing,

so they just grade
on the curve.

Right? They don't blame
the teacher.

Hell, no, we don't wanna
blame nobody.

If Clinton can get away
with what he gets away with,

why should anybody have
to pay the penalty? Right?

That's a problem.
That's a problem.

First, Alomar spits
in the umpire's face,

now I'm watching football
last week

and, uh, one of the receivers,

he thought the call
went against him or something,

he takes a water bottle
and is gonna squirt the umpire.

Fifteen yards,
unsportsmanlike conduct.

There you go. What?

-[inaudible]
-Forty grand also?

For squirting him like that?
Because the kids are look--

Look, they're already fighting
with each other. You see this?

Why? 'Cause they're going
to the wrestling matches.

Look at this.

These are the heroes
the kids have, the wrestlers.

We're-- we're lucky they're not
breaking each other's backs.

Picking their sister up
and conking her on her head.

We're laughing, but these
are the heroes and the images

that we're giving the kids.
Spit in the umpire's face,

show up late
in your good blouse.

What are you wearing
your big, old sweater for?

I got mustard. You want mustard
in that damn sweater?

[cheering]

What's the matter with you?

Well, why-- why...
why do you make me feel bad?

It's not just mustard.
Hell, I got battery acid.

[cheering]

You better have plastic
that's real thick.

See, you thought, "Well,
he'll just do the same shit

he always did."

I am not.

This show's about America.

You see my American flags
back here?

This is about innovation...

This is about innovation
and doing things different

than you've ever seen before.

That's who I am,
for you people.

Is that... that's a ping-pong
ball. It don't work good.

These Super Balls work better
on this side.

I'm still working on it.
But, uh...

But at least I'm
trying new things, you see?

You never heard of the Japanese
or the Chinese

inventing anything.

They just make it for us.

We're supposed
to invent everything.

And-- and then...

[grunts]

Actually, you don't have
to run after the ball.

Oh, [bleep].

[applause, cheering]

Today, I was trying
something new.

I was wearing my fish face.

And I was out...

I was out at the beach.

And... I was trying
to get a seagull.

So I had my fishing pole out,

up high in the air,
trying to get a seagull

to come down and have
that cheese... cheese...

What are they called?
Cheetos.

Had some Cheetos there.
Don't that look tantalizing,

if you was a crazy damn seagull?

But guess-- I was down here,
it's downtown.

They got a parking lot over here

where all the homeless seagulls
hang out.

And what do you predict?
Do you think they came in

and go this Cheeto from me?

No, they're [bleep] up
by this fish head.

They was.

I went over the bait shop
near the old bridge

and they waited on me
and didn't say [bleep].

But, you see...

...being an American
is being different and unusual.

-[cheering]
-That's right.

And not being in a rut,
stepping outside the rut.

Not going along
with everybody else

just 'cause they're doing it.

Just 'cause everybody else
has an earring

don't mean you
have to wear an earring.

Them other people
might be homosexuals.

Then there you are,
you're wearing an earring,

and you're pissing off
all the queers

that keep coming up to you.

Come on up here
and show them what you got.

Come up here.

He's got a damn thing
through his eyebrow.

Is that the only one,

or do you have something
somewhere else?

-No, that's the only one.
-Were you thinking about

a belly button?
Did you think...

-'Cause it... you're...
-My girlfriend has one.

Oh, and you don't wanna do
nothing she does.

Right.

Yeah, but your mom
wears earrings.

Why would you wear an earring?

What if you're the only person
in the world that wanted that?

Would you do that,
or did you-- Oh, yeah, sure.

-I would.
-[laughter]

-What's your name?
-Rob.

-Rob?
-Yeah.

And you think that you would
stand alone and be unusual

-and unique in the world?
-I would.

No, you wouldn't.
You're just doing that

'cause everybody else does. Let
me see these pants you got on.

All right, now what's the deal
on this--

Oh, this is a beeper?
You're a drug dealer?

-Yeah.
-[laughter]

[cheering]

Well, at least you don't have
your pants pulled down

so your butt shows. Were you
thinking of doing that?

-I hate that.
-You hate that.

So you're kinda choosy
about which things

you take
from the modern culture.

All right,
go on and sit down.

-Is this your brother?
-This is my best friend.

Your best friend?
Are you gonna fight with him?

[laughter]

Hey, hey! What'd I say?

Stop fighting!

We need somebody
to set limits

and tell people the definition
of things.

Sex, for instance, is not
something that you can do,

and the other person
isn't doing.

Clinton tried that one. No.

You cannot have sex
with somebody

who's not having sex with you,

although it might work
with who Clinton was married to.

'Cause...

...she don't look like she'd
be fun to do anything with.

[laughter, cheering]

Look at their child.
Does that look like...

...the result
of a love relationship?

No.

See, we need to tell the kids
what things are.

But this-- this world
we're living in

is a half of this
and a half of that

and nothing is totally anything.

You can't tell me one thing
in the world anymore

that is totally--
Where's that girl

with them socks and sandals?

Bring her up here. She--
I met her today at the...

Come up here
and show everybody that.

This is crazy.
If you're gonna wear sandals,

it's 'cause you wanna
show your feet.

If you're gonna have on socks,
you're gonna wear shoes

'cause your feet are cold.
You don't have--

I met her at the grocery store

and she was wearing socks
and sandals.

All right, she said she had
even crazier ones

than the ones she had on.
The ones you had on

had a place for your big toe,
between your big toe

and your other--
All right, Mr. Cameraman,

look at these.
These are rainbow.

Every toe is separate.
Look at that.

Every toe. So you can
just scratch in between 'em

and everything, can't you?
Isn't that the craziest?

There's people out there
right now that are saying,

"Ooh, I want them."

-Walmart.
-Huh?

-Walmart.
-Walmart.

You mean they have them
for sale?

I thought somebody made them
for you special.

The ones I wore at the grocery
were made special.

Yeah, but they only had
a place for one,

-and this is even more...
-More toes.

More toes. At Walmart,
you can get all toes.

But one toe
has to be made special.

-What?
-Can I have a kiss?

-Could you have a kiss?
-My birthday's next Saturday.

[cheering]

Okay.

She's in the Marines, I guess.

Well, you can't call it
nothing special

if it ain't special.

In fact, I don't even know
if the word "special"

means anything anymore.

You can't give me one word
that hadn't been ruined.

We used to have a thing
called a... a foul,

where you would foul somebody
in basketball

and you'd get punished.

But then they started doing it
on purpose,

'cause it was better
to make 'em shoot two shots.

Now, that ain't a sport, is it?
When you make somebody

shoot two shots
and there was gonna--

You know, you were beat.
You were beat!

Right? And then you use
the rules against--

It almost seems like something
Clinton would make up.

Don't it? It sounds like...

"Ooh, foul him on purpose."

So now, they have what they call
a flagrant foul.

This is being illegal too much.

[laughter]

Now, how many use
the word "flagrant"?

We never use it. Sounds gay,
don't it? It sounds...

[lisping] "He just pushed me...

...too hard!"

We're laughing,
but now what does flagrant mean?

See, we ask our officials
to come up with all--

They're the only ones that
are making any decision,

are the officials.
Like that little referee

at that heavyweight fight
that had to say, "No.

This is over.
If you're gonna eat his ear,

it's..."

-[man shouts]
-Right. That's right.

He said something is something,
it's illegal. You can't...

In fact, he let him do it twice,
didn't he?

He said, "Shit, I told you not
to eat his ear,

and you ate his ear!"

Nothing's ever anything.

How many times do they catch
these drunk drivers

before they finally
put them away?

Right? Four, five, six, seven,
eight, nine times.

If you haven't been caught
for drunk driving,

go ahead, you get one free.
Go ahead!

You get two, you get three.

Do you see? Mills Lane he
didn't think it,

he might have done that
by accident.

Oh, he probably just caught
his teeth on his ear.

See? We laugh. But it...

'Cause it's embarrassing
that the world don't have

one bit of truth left in it,
no st--

Quit farting around
with your plastic!

I'm telling you
something important,

you're farting around!

This is what happens in school!
They don't learn [bleep]!

They're farting around!

[cheering]

All right, stand up.
Stand up.

Yeah, you're farting around.
All right, turn around,

tell everybody
what nine times six is.

[laughter]

You had it, you had it.
All right.

Well, I didn't think you
knew it. You look dumb.

You didn't know what nine
times six was, did you?

Oh, you got that away from him,
didn't you?

And you put it in your crotch.

Is that where you keep
your real safe stuff?

How did he get it away from you?
Come up here and tell me.

I wanna hear this. Come here.

Come on up here, and tell me.

Come on, I don't
want you to yell.

Come up and tell me,
tell me exactly what he said

'cause you had it, clean.

It landed on his chest
and I saw,

you reached over and grabbed it,
'cause he lost it. Right?

-Right.
-Right, that should--

would have been, uh,
if there was a referee

that said, "Possession,
your way," right?

You'd have had it, right?
What did he say

-to get it away from you?
-Nothing. I just gave it to him.

-[audience] Aww!
-[applause]

Wow.

All right,
how much money you want?

-What?
-How much money you want?

-How much money?
-[audience shouting]

All right, I'll tell you what.

I'll give you my money,
and you give me some of it back.

[audience shouting]

Three dollars?

-Four dollars?
-You said some.

I know,
but you gave him the doll,

and then you had nothing.
I'm trusting you like--

like you were trustworthy
with him.

You give him something.
How come you don't--

There's a 20 in there,
big [bleep] stuff.

There's five, there's 20,
that's $43.

You're giving me four?

All right,
the rest of the fives.

Oh, you're just keeping the 20
and the ten?

-[cheering]
-All right, sit down.

What?

You're so un-used to things
being relevant

and real and meaningful,
this seems unusual to you.

We live in a world
of such pablum and crap

and make-believe.
Don't you believe--

Don't you see
what I'm talking about?

It's terrible. It's pitiful.
It is.

Everybody's dressing and acting
like each other

to confuse everybody.

Some people dress like a nut
just to be a nut.

How can you tell a nut now?

How do you tell your kid,
"Oh, look, that's a nut

wearing a hospital gown
and a cowboy hat. Watch out."

-[audience member shouts]
-Show you what?

-[indistinct shouting]
-I am.

[laughter]

I'm gonna show you everything.
I'm gonna show you

not only how to get along
in life,

but how to have fun too.

You can apply your brain
to everything

if you'll just
wake your brain up.

Your brain got put to sleep

by TV and the government and...

-[audience shouting]
-Even religion.

Some of these religions,
they'll put you to sleep too.

[cheering, shouting]

I'm not--
I'm criticizing the Lord

because he's just as much
the fault in all this as--

In fact, if he's in charge,
he's the fault.

[cheering]

You don't think God doesn't have
a hand in all this confusion?

Look what he did. He made men
and women so different,

they can never live
in the same house,

then sprinkled you
with the desire to want to try.

[cheering]

God made your underarms stink

right here
where you can smell it.

God made you wanna
kiss each other

and put a nose full of boogers
upside down over your mouth.

He gives you one hand
that works good

and one hand that don't.

Then he put your butt back here

where you can hardly
get to it to wipe.

Look, you can
just about reach it.

Then only one hand
you trust to do it.

Admit it, if you hurt this hand,
you don't wipe your butt.

This is God, he could have
fixed it any way he wanted.

He could have made you poop
out the bottom of your foot.

Then all you gotta do
is like that.

[cheering, applause]

But he's having fun and games.

And confusion.

He made men logical
and then made women emotional.

There's absolutely no way
we could ever understand a woman

'cause they're not logical.

[cheering]

They shave their eyebrows off
and paint them back in.

They paint their face
with makeup

that don't match their neck.

And they use toilet paper
when they don't even poop.

That ain't pee paper.

That's poop paper.

Then they think that we're the
ones ruining the environment.

And here are trees
being cut down.

So you can--
I don't know what you do.

You all wanna be like men,
do what we do.

Stomp your foot.

You're done. How'd you like
if after we peed,

we got some toilet paper
and tap...

How ridiculous.

I'm sure they'd come in
and look in the toilet, say,

"Why is that in there?"

You know how they look
through the trash and [bleep].

They're like detectives.

That's just for pooping.

I can't believe I gotta
explain all of this.

My gosh!

How come we can't do
the simplest damn thing?

We made two probes to go to...
to Mars,

and they just wave at the planet
as they go on by.

Two hundred million dollars,
bye!

That's why the flying saucers
don't land.

They see this happening.

Oh, [bleep].

[laughter]

-What?
-[cheering]

Somebody sitting in your seat?

[woman shouting]

All right, let's see.
Do you-- row B?

C. Well, why you standing
in the second row?

All right. Good.

-Huh?
-[man speaking]

Who's "they"? You don't
do what other people say.

What, an old lady?
You're listening to old ladies,

big guy like you,
listening to an old lady?

With Tide on your jacket.

Go do another load
and come back.

[laughter]

We gotta come and get--
What are you doing?

Are-- are you married to him?

Oh, what are you doing?

Oh, you have a happy birthday?

All right, how many people
are having a birthday today?

-Stand up.
-[shouting]

One...

...two, three,

four, five,

six, seven, eight.

See how special you are? Nine.
[laughs]

Ten.

What about you?

Period don't count. A lot
of them are having their period.

All right, how many
are on their period?

One...

Now, sometime tonight we've
gotta get down

to making some exploding pies.

[cheering]

'Cause we're
videotaping tonight,

we'll be able
to judge these things.

I want to smash a lot more
stuff than I normally would

-because we want a video...
-[cheering]

Let me put on...

Oh, [bleep].

This has-- it don't button good.
I don't know why

a chef wouldn't have a hat...

It has this little thing
that goes in,

then comes out real easy.

All right, there you go.

I feel like that new guy
on television, what--

-[shouting]
-Who is he?

-[shouting]
-Oh, right. He stole my [bleep].

Bam. I'll show ya bam.

All right, now how much
to put in there?

Put it in about level.

Just about level.

Now...

I'm not gonna
pour in these pickles

because it has
a liquid in there.

See that liquid?

Liquid is not hydraulic.

Gooey is hydraulic.

Liquid, if you smack it,
just goes out flat, like that.

See that? That's liquid.

It goes out flat,
so we're gonna pour off

the pickle pee
into this diaper stuff here.

This is a Depends diaper.
It has adult suckability.

Grandma loves
her Depends diaper.

Now the kids can hug her
when she's drinking beer

and she don't pee on 'em.

So we put those on top.

And then when we smack that,
that'll go out real pretty.

This is all gonna be real pretty
and spectacular.

All right, so I wanna pour
some of this liquid

off of the corn.

Because I wanted
the creamed corn in there.

Now I'm gonna add the corn
to the creamed corn.

This is gonna be beautiful.
We'll get this later on tape.

You got plenty of tape?
All right, good.

This is gonna happen.

We'll put this down here
for right now.

Let's do two dozen--
three dozen...

-[cheering]
-Now, you know what?

When you act like--
when you act like that,

I know I did the right thing.

See, if you don't want me
to do these things,

pretend like it
doesn't bother you.

Don't go, "Oh, [bleep]!"

'Cause then I think to myself,
"That was right."

See, there ain't nothing else
at the grocery store

gooey like cactus
except for eggs.

Now, I'm taking off
the scratchy shells

because there might be somebody
out there knows a lawyer.

And they'll sue you
and then they'll claim

they need their eyes at work
or something like that.

'Cause I been sued before
and I found out

that the things I wanna do late
at night for fun

sound real dumb
in court in the morning.

[laughter]

[cheering]

Honey, that's gonna go good.

I'm gonna smack this,

and your head gonna look like
a candy apple.

Two pounds of honey.

'Cause one pound isn't enough.

You have to have enough
in there

to go scooting out the sides.

If you don't put enough,
it just vaporizes

and it's not satisfying.

You'll see.
I'll smack some stuff

and you'll say to yourself,
"That wasn't satisfying."

You will. You'll say, "I need
more than that, Gallagher."

I may smack this
with a new hammer I have

with a hole up the middle.

So you'll see Gallagher's
golden rod.

Oh! I had line,
but the distance... oh, sh...

I threw that one less hard,
and it still went as far.

And I got butter, too.
That's gonna go good.

I think I'll just put the butter
up on top of the jell--

No, it should have its own.

What does that look like, men?

You're damn right.

[man shouts]

What did he say it was?

Oh! Do I look like I'm tired?

[audience] No!

That's right,
I'm ready to continue!

-[audience] Yeah!
-[cheering]

In fact, later tonight,
I'm gonna be over on...

...uh, Groucho Street,
Grady Street...

[audience shouting]

Gregory! Gregory Street.

Checking out chicks
in my new outfit.

This will let them know
what I'm after.

That's my rooster comb
and here's my rooster feathers.

Once this becomes a fad,
you'll have to get 'em.

All right, now check it out.
I see a chick,

and I give her a little... huh?

Then I show her what I got.

Hey, honey.

You make my comb stand up.

[laughs]

Bitch, you turn me off.

So later tonight
I'll be over there.

We'll videotape.
You want to?

Always trying new things.

If you don't do new things,
you're just standing still.

Don't wanna stand still.

You see this hat I made
with the back on both sides?

Everybody in the world
had a chance to invent this hat.

I give them a chance.
I had the idea for a year

and I just set back
and waited.

Nobody made it so I stepped in
and I did it.

That's right. Only me.
That's right.

Everybody in the world
knew what Lorena Bobbitt did,

but I'm the only one...

[laughter, cheering]

...who's invented
what you're gonna need.

Sure, it's big,
but I figure why not upgrade?

If you get the chance,
why put on the same you had.

You see how I think
outside the box?

Most people think,
"Oh, my dick's over there,

I better sew it back on."

But I think, "No, you know,
they're transplanting a lot

of baboon hearts and lungs.

There must be some extra
baboon pieces lying around."

[cheering]

Let me get Mr. P up here.

-All right, you ready?
-I'm ready to do some smashing.

All right. Ladies and gentlemen,
we wanna show you

the handiest and the dandiest
kitchen tool you've ever seen!

[cheering]

First you get out some ordinary
apples, you place the apples

between the patented pans,
then you reach for the tool

that is not a slicer,
it's not a dicer,

it's not a chopper in a hopper.

What in the hell
could it possibly be, Dustin?

-Sledge-O-Matic!
-All right, do it!

It's Sledge...
Sledge-O-Matic!

-[cheering]
-Give me that.

That's not it.
Sledge... Sledge-O-Matic!

[cheering]

Is it just that easy
with lettuce?

Yes, it's just that easy
with lettuce!

Is it just that easy
with citrus?

Yes, it's just that easy
with citrus!

But what about cottage cheese?

What about cottage cheese?

That's not the question.
The question is:

what goes further,
cottage cheese or tofu?

All right, Dustin,
did you see-- or Destin? Destin?

Did you see how far the...
the cottage cheese went?

-[indistinct]
-All right. All right.

All right, put your hand up
how far it went.

All right, now watch the...
the tofu.

You got about another four rows.

Another four rows on tofu?

All right, what if we put...

...the tofu in the middle
of the cottage cheese?

[cheering]

And get one of them bigguns
up here.

All right, Big Daddy.

[cheering]

They're calling for you,
Big Daddy.

Come on up here.

There it is.

-[indistinct]
-What is?

-The handle's...
-The handle's slick for you?

All right. Let me see.
Where's that towel?

All right, throw me the towel.

All right. Oh!

You want to wear a, uh,
a poncho?

[audience] No!

Yeah, you wanna wear a poncho.
Put it on real fast.

There you go.

[booing]

All right, there you go.

I wouldn't stand right there.

[laughter]

Can we have a little more
house lights?

I wanna see just
how far it goes.

Could we have more house lights
than we have right now?

How difficult is that
to have the house lights

come up some?
Do we have to find--

what is that,
the janitor and his keys?

Usually named Mr. Menendez.

[laughter]

Donde estas, SenorMenendez?

Oh, they're all the way up?
All right, it's all the way up.

That's all the way up.
All right.

[audience shouting]

-[cheering]
-You got that?

All right, we're gonna sing
the National Anthem.

♪ And the rockets' red glare

♪ The butter bursting

♪ In air

[cheering]

♪ Gave proof

♪ Through the pickles

♪ That the mayonnaise
and cherries ♪

♪ Was still...

♪ Oh, say does that
star-spangled-- ♪

I'm gonna do this one.

♪ Spangled--
I'm gonna use the hammer

with the hole in the middle.

♪ Yet wave

♪ O'er the land

-♪ Of...
-♪ The free

No, honey. ♪ Honey

♪ Hon... honey

[cheering]

♪ And the home

♪ Of eggs and marsh...

♪ ...mallows

All right.

You ready to really
make a big splash?

All right.
You're getting rice...

Rice in a frying pan. Okay?

[cheering]

Pretty good.

Is there any rice left?
A little bit.

But not a lot.

All right, let's make
a rocket fly over there

into the trash can.

We'll have-- we got
two rocketeers here.

Come on over here and stand,

and I'll set up
your rocket for you.

Get your balls ready.

All right, we have
to have a launching pad.

Because the top of the table
is rubber,

and if you don't
put some aluminum there,

it sticks
and it just stays here.

All right, now,
you just hit the back end.

-Where you going?
-Oh...

Yeah, it's going
in the trash can.

-I can do it.
-You could do it?

Now? Oh.

All right, now...
you don't have to kill it.

You have to hit it accurately.
That's what we're going for.

We already killed it one time.
All right. That lined up?

Lined up. All right.

-[cheering, booing]
-All right. What happened?

You hit it right
in the middle, didn't you?

Well, it ain't gonna go if you
hit it in the middle, is it?

You gotta hit it so... whoo!

It don't smell anymore.

[bleep], man.

All right, look.
You gotta do it so it...

You just hit the back end,
and then it-- right.

Just the back end. All right?
You hit the whole--

You creamed the rocket, man.

There's no rocket left.

Let's have a look at your mom,
see if she's proud.

No!

Mommy is not proud.

-[audience groans]
-That was an improvement.

It was an improvement.
As long as he's getting better,

something's happening.

All right, biggun, you ready?

All right,
let me set one up for you.

Let him have a try.
Maybe it's the wrong hammer.

Maybe you need his hammer.
He's got a lighter hammer

with a squarer head,
so it'll hit flatter.

Not that-- right. Right there.

On the end. It don't have
to be hit hard.

It just has to be
kind of accurate.

'Cause you know what?
Sometimes I smack it

and it don't even open up.

It just runs and flies
over there without rocket power

and goes in. If...

If God wants it, you know,
it's all about...

It's all about God.

Oh, that's cheating.

You're one of them ass-kissing
God worshippers, aren't you?

Did you just kiss God's ass?

All right, well,
maybe he don't like that.

All right. Get ready.
Here we go.

I think he's gonna do it.

'Cause, of course,
he got God on his side now.

There you go.
That's a good spot.

Watch your balls.

-Oh!
-[audience] Oh!

Hey, it did exactly
what I said, didn't it?

It didn't-- oh, it didn't--
It had a little bit of crunch.

It had a little bit... I believe
it's leaking a little bit.

If you hit it again real quick,

I believe it'll still
be a rocket.

You did real good.
All right, I'll tell you what.

I'll move it.

[bleep]!

I'll move it
if it ain't going in right.

That had to be
my dumbest moment.

[spits]

What the hell was I thinking?

You know what I thought?
I thought, "You know what?

That mouthwash is going
everywhere but in my mouth."

What if you just did that
in the morning?

You took the mouthwash,
shut your mouth,

and threw it in your face.

Said, "You know what?
Your breath still stinks,

but I smell mouthwash.

Did you just fart
a Christmas tree?"

All right, let me just show--

Oh, somebody else
put one up there.

-Did you do that?
-Yeah.

Oh, you did it? All right.
You wanna try it

with his hammer,
and see if you can do it better?

Boy, you're just--
you figured it out now.

Doing [bleep] on his own
and everything.

[audience] Oh!

Try it again.

We want one for the videotape.
We're taping.

We gotta have one go in.

Even if we have
to tie a string on it

and carry it over.

We need one to go in, okay?

All right, I think a little bit
snappier than that one.

That one wasn't snappy.
Are you getting tired?

-No, I'm good.
-You're good?

-Yeah.
-It felt like you got

a little tired right
in through there.

What is that attributed to,
if you're good?

You lazy?

You are, aren't you?
You're lazy.

All right,
get your [bleep] together!

Suck it up!

Do some [bleep] now!

Oh!

But from that angle, it looked
like it went in, didn't it?

All right,
we gonna fix that in post.

All right, now turn on some
music so we can really

do some smashing,
it'll be exciting

for the ending of the show.

[upbeat pop music plays]

[cheering]

[music continues]

That worked good.

All right, hold your hammer
over your head

for the big bow,
hold your hammer.

[cheering]

[music continues]

[cheering]

[cheering]