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1
00:00:01,402 --> 00:00:03,437
But I don't wanna go
to summer camp!
2
00:00:03,504 --> 00:00:04,672
Are you kidding? You'll have a
great time.
3
00:00:04,738 --> 00:00:06,074
Look at this one.
4
00:00:06,140 --> 00:00:07,741
It's a computer camp
with a theater program.
5
00:00:07,808 --> 00:00:08,809
Ethernet by day,
6
00:00:08,876 --> 00:00:10,744
"No, No, Nanette" by night.
7
00:00:10,811 --> 00:00:14,415
I don't want to go to camp.
8
00:00:14,482 --> 00:00:16,117
If the kid doesn't want to go,
don't make him go.
9
00:00:16,184 --> 00:00:17,085
Yeah.
He's ten.
10
00:00:17,151 --> 00:00:18,686
He's old enough to work.
11
00:00:18,752 --> 00:00:19,987
What?
12
00:00:20,054 --> 00:00:22,456
When I was your age,
I spent my summers
13
00:00:22,523 --> 00:00:24,358
hosing tarantulas off bananas
14
00:00:24,425 --> 00:00:26,927
in the back
of my stepfather's truck.
15
00:00:26,994 --> 00:00:28,028
Hey, what's going on?
16
00:00:28,096 --> 00:00:30,531
I'm going to camp.
17
00:00:30,598 --> 00:00:31,765
Okay.
18
00:00:31,832 --> 00:00:32,933
Morning, all.
19
00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:34,202
Beautiful day.
20
00:00:34,268 --> 00:00:36,204
You're in a good mood.
21
00:00:36,270 --> 00:00:37,938
Well, I suppose I am.
22
00:00:38,005 --> 00:00:40,174
I got a little e-mail
this morning
23
00:00:40,241 --> 00:00:44,011
from an ex-girlfriend
who says she needs to "see" me.
24
00:00:44,078 --> 00:00:45,446
No kidding.
25
00:00:45,513 --> 00:00:47,648
I wonder if she's "knocked up."
26
00:00:48,682 --> 00:00:50,017
Nobody's knocked up.
27
00:00:50,084 --> 00:00:52,686
I haven't heard from her
in five years.
28
00:00:52,753 --> 00:00:55,022
So she's bringing you
a four-year-old.
29
00:00:55,089 --> 00:00:57,791
Believe me,
nobody's bringing anything.
30
00:00:57,858 --> 00:00:59,227
Remember Jill?
31
00:00:59,293 --> 00:01:00,561
Jill the slob?
32
00:01:00,628 --> 00:01:04,064
Yeah, but do you remember
how hot she was?
33
00:01:04,132 --> 00:01:06,134
Yeah, well, sure,
she was a tight unit,
34
00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:07,868
but she left dirty dishes
everywhere.
35
00:01:07,935 --> 00:01:09,103
Swear to God,
36
00:01:09,170 --> 00:01:11,939
this broad left
half-eaten casseroles
37
00:01:12,005 --> 00:01:13,407
in the bathtub.
38
00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:14,108
So?
39
00:01:14,175 --> 00:01:15,576
With a body like that
40
00:01:15,643 --> 00:01:18,078
she could drink out
of the toilet if she wanted to.
41
00:01:18,146 --> 00:01:19,447
Wait a minute.
42
00:01:19,513 --> 00:01:21,782
Isn't she the one
who dumped you?
43
00:01:21,849 --> 00:01:23,417
Somebody dumped Charlie?
44
00:01:23,484 --> 00:01:24,952
Broke his little black heart.
45
00:01:25,018 --> 00:01:26,254
It was pathetic.
46
00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:28,189
She didn't dump me.
47
00:01:28,256 --> 00:01:29,657
She had personal problems
48
00:01:29,723 --> 00:01:32,393
and moved to Europe
to, you know, find herself.
49
00:01:32,460 --> 00:01:33,461
Berta?
50
00:01:33,527 --> 00:01:34,094
He wept.
51
00:01:34,162 --> 00:01:36,730
I did not.
52
00:01:36,797 --> 00:01:38,632
I felt the appropriate
amount of sadness
53
00:01:38,699 --> 00:01:40,768
for a good relationship
that had run its course.
54
00:01:40,834 --> 00:01:44,272
I had to carry him to bed
three nights in a row.
55
00:01:44,338 --> 00:01:47,275
I was perfectly happy
sleeping under the deck.
56
00:01:47,341 --> 00:01:50,444
You bring her home,
you clean up after her.
57
00:01:50,511 --> 00:01:52,646
Thank God you never get any.
58
00:02:15,369 --> 00:02:16,704
Hey.
59
00:02:16,770 --> 00:02:19,173
Hey.
60
00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:21,008
What can I get for you?
61
00:02:21,074 --> 00:02:23,177
White wine, please.
62
00:02:23,244 --> 00:02:25,012
Maybe a Chablis.
63
00:02:25,078 --> 00:02:27,014
You know, uh,
make it a beer.
64
00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:28,482
Light beer.
65
00:02:28,549 --> 00:02:31,585
Just a beer.
66
00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:33,187
Another one?
67
00:02:33,254 --> 00:02:34,455
Might as well.
68
00:02:34,522 --> 00:02:37,491
Looks like
I'm getting stood up.
69
00:02:38,859 --> 00:02:40,694
Chicks, huh?
70
00:02:40,761 --> 00:02:42,930
Maybe she's got
a good reason.
71
00:02:44,365 --> 00:02:46,667
I'll tell you what,
if it were any other woman
72
00:02:46,734 --> 00:02:48,836
I'd have been out of here
an hour ago.
73
00:02:48,902 --> 00:02:49,570
Really?
74
00:02:49,637 --> 00:02:50,671
Oh, yeah.
75
00:02:50,738 --> 00:02:53,674
This girl... this girl
is something different.
76
00:02:56,710 --> 00:02:58,546
How so?
77
00:02:58,612 --> 00:03:01,415
Well, did you ever
go out with somebody
78
00:03:01,482 --> 00:03:03,551
who was not only great in bed
79
00:03:03,617 --> 00:03:06,086
but also
like a really cool friend?
80
00:03:06,153 --> 00:03:09,457
Yeah, once.
81
00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:10,924
In fact,
now that I think about it,
82
00:03:10,991 --> 00:03:13,927
the friendship was the best part
of our relationship.
83
00:03:13,994 --> 00:03:15,596
No kidding.
84
00:03:15,663 --> 00:03:18,766
Yeah, the sex
was a little weird.
85
00:03:21,068 --> 00:03:25,273
We would, like,
wrestle to get on top.
86
00:03:25,339 --> 00:03:30,411
She would actually get angry
if she wasn't up there.
87
00:03:30,478 --> 00:03:34,615
Maybe she had
a good reason.
88
00:03:34,682 --> 00:03:37,184
Maybe.
89
00:03:37,251 --> 00:03:40,288
Charlie, look at me.
90
00:03:45,426 --> 00:03:46,794
Okay, how do you know my name?
91
00:03:46,860 --> 00:03:48,929
It's me.
92
00:03:48,996 --> 00:03:51,599
Me, who?
93
00:03:58,672 --> 00:04:01,975
No...
94
00:04:02,042 --> 00:04:05,713
Yes.
95
00:04:05,779 --> 00:04:08,148
Jill?
96
00:04:08,215 --> 00:04:10,784
Bill.
97
00:04:14,021 --> 00:04:16,590
No...
98
00:04:16,657 --> 00:04:19,793
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
99
00:04:19,860 --> 00:04:21,862
* Men... *
100
00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:27,067
We're gonna need two shots
of tequila.
101
00:04:27,134 --> 00:04:28,201
That's okay.
I don't want...
102
00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:29,770
They're not for you.
103
00:04:29,837 --> 00:04:32,773
Wow, this girl you're waiting
for really must be something.
104
00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:35,443
Just serve the hooch
and mind your own business.
105
00:04:35,509 --> 00:04:37,645
Listen, Charlie,
I know...
106
00:04:37,711 --> 00:04:38,746
Hang on.
107
00:04:42,983 --> 00:04:44,618
Okay, go.
108
00:04:44,685 --> 00:04:47,421
I know this comes
as a shock to you.
109
00:04:47,488 --> 00:04:49,990
Please, if I had a nickel
for every time a girl dumped me,
110
00:04:50,057 --> 00:04:52,793
disappeared for five years
and came back as a guy,
111
00:04:52,860 --> 00:04:54,762
I'd have a nickel!
112
00:04:55,863 --> 00:04:57,465
Keep 'em coming.
113
00:04:57,531 --> 00:04:59,967
I think I owe you
an explanation.
114
00:05:00,033 --> 00:05:01,702
Who pays the nickel,
by the way?
115
00:05:01,769 --> 00:05:04,405
Is it you or just out
of some general fund?
116
00:05:04,472 --> 00:05:06,740
Charlie...
117
00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:09,343
Yeah?
118
00:05:09,410 --> 00:05:11,579
Remember when we broke up,
119
00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:14,915
and I said it's
not you, it's me?
120
00:05:19,553 --> 00:05:22,456
Yes. And I believe you now.
121
00:05:23,691 --> 00:05:27,961
I was so mixed up and
unhappy as a woman.
122
00:05:28,028 --> 00:05:30,230
So? I know lots of mixed-up,
unhappy women.
123
00:05:30,297 --> 00:05:31,932
They go shopping
and eat ice cream.
124
00:05:31,999 --> 00:05:33,967
Did you even try that?
125
00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:35,068
I tried everything, Charlie.
126
00:05:35,135 --> 00:05:36,570
But the truth is,
127
00:05:36,637 --> 00:05:38,672
I was always a man
trapped in a woman's body.
128
00:05:38,739 --> 00:05:40,073
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
129
00:05:40,140 --> 00:05:41,442
No, I'm not buying this.
130
00:05:41,509 --> 00:05:42,910
No. If you were really
a man back then
131
00:05:42,976 --> 00:05:44,645
you would have jumped
at that three-way
132
00:05:44,712 --> 00:05:46,680
with the cocktail waitress
in Carmel.
133
00:05:48,416 --> 00:05:50,484
I begged you.
134
00:05:50,551 --> 00:05:52,119
You haven't changed.
135
00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:54,354
Wish I could say the same.
136
00:05:54,422 --> 00:05:57,525
Charlie, how could
I have explained it
to you back then?
137
00:05:57,591 --> 00:05:59,727
I couldn't even
explain it to myself.
138
00:05:59,793 --> 00:06:01,762
Okay, well,
now you've explained.
139
00:06:01,829 --> 00:06:03,564
Thank you.
140
00:06:03,631 --> 00:06:05,433
Nice to see you again.
141
00:06:05,499 --> 00:06:07,100
Good luck with the penis.
142
00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:10,370
Charlie... Wait.
143
00:06:10,438 --> 00:06:15,275
A few minutes ago, you said
I was a really cool friend.
144
00:06:15,342 --> 00:06:18,111
Uh, yeah.
145
00:06:18,178 --> 00:06:19,547
Well, I'm back in L.A.,
146
00:06:19,613 --> 00:06:21,882
and I'm kind of
starting a new life.
147
00:06:21,949 --> 00:06:23,551
Uh-huh.
148
00:06:23,617 --> 00:06:25,819
And I could really
use a friend.
149
00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:27,721
Oh, boy.
150
00:06:27,788 --> 00:06:31,559
It's just, you know,
I'm completely alone,
151
00:06:31,625 --> 00:06:35,395
and I'm... I'm
really scared.
152
00:06:36,296 --> 00:06:39,399
Aw, jeez.
153
00:06:41,301 --> 00:06:43,637
It's going to be okay, Jill.
154
00:06:43,704 --> 00:06:45,906
Bill.
155
00:06:45,973 --> 00:06:47,775
Yeah, Bill, whatever.
156
00:06:47,841 --> 00:06:49,943
It's okay.
157
00:06:50,010 --> 00:06:51,545
I'm still your friend.
158
00:06:51,612 --> 00:06:54,715
Oh, Charlie, you're the best.
159
00:06:57,685 --> 00:06:59,286
I wish I could've loved
you
160
00:06:59,352 --> 00:07:01,154
the way you deserve
to be loved.
161
00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:04,792
* Men... *
162
00:07:05,659 --> 00:07:07,628
Thanks for the ride, Bill.
163
00:07:07,695 --> 00:07:09,663
You're a good friend.
164
00:07:09,730 --> 00:07:11,632
Hey, you called me "Bill."
165
00:07:11,699 --> 00:07:14,234
Well, that's your name, lady.
166
00:07:14,301 --> 00:07:15,503
Just like old times, huh?
167
00:07:15,569 --> 00:07:19,540
Drag your drunk-ass home,
take you upstairs,
168
00:07:19,607 --> 00:07:22,776
get you undressed and...
169
00:07:26,714 --> 00:07:27,881
Hey.
170
00:07:27,948 --> 00:07:28,882
Oh, Alan.
171
00:07:28,949 --> 00:07:31,552
You never met my brother,
Alan, did you?
172
00:07:31,619 --> 00:07:34,421
No, I never met anyone
in your family, Charlie.
173
00:07:34,488 --> 00:07:36,557
Yeah, well,
different rules now.
174
00:07:36,624 --> 00:07:38,559
Bill,
this is my brother, Alan.
175
00:07:38,626 --> 00:07:41,294
Alan, this is my old...
friend, Bill.
176
00:07:41,361 --> 00:07:42,229
Nice to meet you, Bill.
177
00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:43,396
Same here.
178
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:44,732
I thought you were going
to hook up
179
00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:46,967
with that old girlfriend
who wanted to "see" you.
180
00:07:48,235 --> 00:07:49,770
Oh, right.
181
00:07:49,837 --> 00:07:55,676
Turns out
she changed her... "mind."
182
00:07:56,777 --> 00:08:01,815
Anyway, I ran into
my old friend Bill here.
183
00:08:04,752 --> 00:08:08,388
So, uh, stood up by Jill,
ran into Bill.
184
00:08:08,455 --> 00:08:09,557
That's funny.
185
00:08:09,623 --> 00:08:13,160
You have a sick
sense of humor, Alan.
186
00:08:13,226 --> 00:08:14,562
The house is clean.
187
00:08:14,628 --> 00:08:15,896
I'm going home now.
188
00:08:15,963 --> 00:08:17,731
I'll pick that up on Monday.
189
00:08:17,798 --> 00:08:19,867
Sorry, that's mine.
190
00:08:24,137 --> 00:08:26,707
Hi.
191
00:08:26,774 --> 00:08:29,943
Hi.
192
00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:35,783
Okay, I'm outta here.
193
00:08:43,924 --> 00:08:46,694
So, Bill, uh,
you from around here?
194
00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:48,729
I was, but I moved away
for a couple years.
195
00:08:48,796 --> 00:08:51,231
Now I'm planning on moving
back, and buying a place.
196
00:08:51,298 --> 00:08:52,733
Hello.
197
00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:56,704
Evelyn Harper,
Evelyn Harper Real Estate.
198
00:08:56,770 --> 00:08:59,272
Oh, yeah, Mom's here.
199
00:08:59,339 --> 00:09:02,643
No problem. I'm drunk.
200
00:09:02,710 --> 00:09:03,744
I'm Bill Shraeder.
201
00:09:03,811 --> 00:09:05,078
I'm a friend of Charlie's.
202
00:09:05,145 --> 00:09:06,714
No need to apologize.
203
00:09:06,780 --> 00:09:10,083
So, are you interested
in renting or buying?
204
00:09:10,150 --> 00:09:11,018
Buying.
205
00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:12,119
Excellent.
206
00:09:12,185 --> 00:09:13,453
Price range?
207
00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:14,655
I'm flexible.
208
00:09:14,722 --> 00:09:16,757
I'll bet you are.
209
00:09:16,824 --> 00:09:19,126
But I was talking money.
210
00:09:19,192 --> 00:09:20,460
Well, so was I.
211
00:09:20,527 --> 00:09:24,097
Ooh, sexy and liquid.
212
00:09:24,164 --> 00:09:27,100
I like that in a man.
213
00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:28,268
Nice guy.
214
00:09:28,335 --> 00:09:29,837
Poker buddy?
215
00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:31,872
Used to.
216
00:09:33,473 --> 00:09:35,075
And don't call me "buddy."
217
00:09:40,347 --> 00:09:42,650
There it is.
218
00:09:43,684 --> 00:09:45,018
Well, thank you so much
219
00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:47,287
for showing me the condos,
Evelyn.
220
00:09:47,354 --> 00:09:48,588
Thank you for dinner, Bill.
221
00:09:48,656 --> 00:09:51,759
Thank you for dessert.
222
00:09:54,662 --> 00:09:58,098
Shall we go to my place
for coffee and cigars?
223
00:09:58,165 --> 00:09:59,032
I don't smoke.
224
00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:01,635
You will
when I'm done with you.
225
00:10:05,706 --> 00:10:08,075
Oh, my God.
226
00:10:08,141 --> 00:10:11,611
He's, like,
half her age.
227
00:10:11,679 --> 00:10:16,116
Yeah, that's the problem.
228
00:10:16,183 --> 00:10:18,385
* Men... *
229
00:10:20,353 --> 00:10:21,621
I am trying, Charlie.
230
00:10:21,689 --> 00:10:23,657
I-I am trying to be open-minded,
but our mom
231
00:10:23,724 --> 00:10:24,925
with a guy
who's younger than us--
232
00:10:24,992 --> 00:10:27,761
It-it's just freaking me out.
233
00:10:27,828 --> 00:10:29,162
Trust me, Alan.
234
00:10:29,229 --> 00:10:32,532
Very soon, you're going
to be looking back
235
00:10:32,599 --> 00:10:35,168
on this moment
with fond nostalgia.
236
00:10:35,235 --> 00:10:36,436
What do you mean?
237
00:10:36,503 --> 00:10:37,570
Look.
238
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:39,306
Who's this?
239
00:10:39,372 --> 00:10:40,573
This is Jill.
240
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:42,075
Oh, the-the woman
who dumped you?
241
00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:44,211
Get over that.
Nobody dumped me.
242
00:10:44,277 --> 00:10:45,612
All right, I'm sorry.
243
00:10:45,679 --> 00:10:47,180
Um, why are we
looking at Jill?
244
00:10:47,247 --> 00:10:48,816
Just look at it.
245
00:10:48,882 --> 00:10:51,952
Okay. She's cute.
246
00:10:52,019 --> 00:10:54,955
Very tall...
broad shoulders...
247
00:10:55,022 --> 00:10:57,357
Holy mother of God!
248
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:03,430
Welcome to the Matrix.
249
00:11:04,932 --> 00:11:07,200
So-so-so-so, Jill is-is-is...
250
00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:08,235
Yep.
251
00:11:09,402 --> 00:11:12,472
And-and-and-and you and-and Jill
used to...
252
00:11:12,539 --> 00:11:15,342
Every chance we got.
253
00:11:15,408 --> 00:11:18,245
And-and-and Mom is...
254
00:11:18,311 --> 00:11:20,180
At this very moment.
255
00:11:21,281 --> 00:11:23,416
Holy mother of God!
256
00:11:23,483 --> 00:11:25,853
What are you guys yelling about?
257
00:11:25,919 --> 00:11:27,187
Go to bed.
Go to bed.
Go to bed.
258
00:11:28,889 --> 00:11:31,624
Do you realize
what this means?
259
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:35,963
Yes. I slept with a woman
who wanted to be a man...
260
00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:39,900
or... I slept with a man
in a woman's body...
261
00:11:39,967 --> 00:11:42,235
or-- and this
is my new favorite,
262
00:11:42,302 --> 00:11:44,404
and the title
of my autobiography--
263
00:11:44,471 --> 00:11:46,974
my mom and I slept
with the same dude.
264
00:11:51,478 --> 00:11:54,414
Ex-ex-excuse me, could we
just we table that for now
265
00:11:54,481 --> 00:11:58,051
and discuss how this impacts
on our mother?
266
00:11:58,118 --> 00:12:00,220
Why? The damage has been done.
267
00:12:01,054 --> 00:12:02,255
All that's left to do now
268
00:12:02,322 --> 00:12:03,991
is drink until the part
of the brain
269
00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:06,093
that creates mental pictures
is dead.
270
00:12:06,159 --> 00:12:08,295
No, Charlie, stay with me.
271
00:12:08,361 --> 00:12:10,998
Do you think I'm gay?
272
00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:14,567
For God's sake, Charlie,
this is not about you!
273
00:12:14,634 --> 00:12:17,037
I like musical theater.
274
00:12:18,471 --> 00:12:20,407
Maybe all these years,
275
00:12:20,473 --> 00:12:22,409
I've been pathologically
chasing women
276
00:12:22,475 --> 00:12:24,411
because I've been
overcompensating.
277
00:12:25,979 --> 00:12:27,915
You know,
I've often thought that.
278
00:12:29,449 --> 00:12:32,920
What?! I'm agreeing with you.
What do you want to hear?
279
00:12:32,986 --> 00:12:34,955
I want you to tell me
that there is no chance
280
00:12:35,022 --> 00:12:36,790
that either of us
will ever have to call
281
00:12:36,857 --> 00:12:40,260
a woman I slept with "Daddy."
282
00:12:51,504 --> 00:12:53,841
Jill the slob.
283
00:12:59,980 --> 00:13:05,185
Uh... gadzooks.
284
00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:09,089
Morning.
285
00:13:09,156 --> 00:13:10,123
Morning.
286
00:13:11,224 --> 00:13:12,325
Morning.
287
00:13:12,392 --> 00:13:15,963
Morning.
288
00:13:16,864 --> 00:13:20,233
So, how was your weekend?
289
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:22,335
Fine.
Okay.
290
00:13:22,402 --> 00:13:25,638
Nothing exciting happening
in your world, Charlie?
291
00:13:25,705 --> 00:13:27,307
Like what?
292
00:13:27,374 --> 00:13:28,942
Oh, I don't know.
293
00:13:29,009 --> 00:13:31,912
Go to a fun party?
See a great movie?
294
00:13:31,979 --> 00:13:34,447
Run into an old flame
with a new wick?
295
00:13:39,452 --> 00:13:41,021
What are the odds, huh?
296
00:13:41,088 --> 00:13:44,824
One brother turns 'em gay;
the other turns 'em guy.
297
00:13:44,892 --> 00:13:47,861
If you don't mind,
Berta, I'd rather
not talk about it.
298
00:13:48,761 --> 00:13:50,063
Okay.
299
00:13:50,130 --> 00:13:51,965
I'll fix you
something to eat.
300
00:13:52,032 --> 00:13:55,235
How 'bout a sausage link
and a couple eggs?
301
00:13:55,302 --> 00:13:57,905
EVELYN:
Hello, anybody home?
302
00:13:57,971 --> 00:14:00,140
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
303
00:14:00,207 --> 00:14:02,042
Charlie,
304
00:14:02,109 --> 00:14:05,545
I need to talk to you
about your friend Bill.
305
00:14:05,612 --> 00:14:06,579
Oh, boy.
306
00:14:06,646 --> 00:14:08,515
Oh, boy!
307
00:14:08,581 --> 00:14:12,619
You know, I-I'd really
rather not discuss this
308
00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:14,387
in front of the help.
309
00:14:14,454 --> 00:14:16,924
Uh, Berta, could you
give us some privacy?
310
00:14:16,990 --> 00:14:18,491
Hell, no.
311
00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:21,494
Sorry.
312
00:14:22,595 --> 00:14:25,933
Um...
313
00:14:27,134 --> 00:14:31,471
Bill and I shared something
very special
314
00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:33,773
this weekend.
315
00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:35,875
I realize
316
00:14:35,943 --> 00:14:37,978
that might be awkward for you,
317
00:14:38,045 --> 00:14:40,680
so I thought I'd come by
to discuss it.
318
00:14:40,747 --> 00:14:42,950
Well, that's nice, Mom.
319
00:14:43,016 --> 00:14:44,217
Isn't that nice, Alan?
320
00:14:44,284 --> 00:14:46,253
Um, you're the expert, Charlie.
321
00:14:46,319 --> 00:14:49,222
Is it too early
to start drinking?
322
00:14:49,289 --> 00:14:50,991
What is that supposed to mean?
323
00:14:51,058 --> 00:14:53,060
Mom, uh...
324
00:14:53,126 --> 00:14:56,763
how much do you know about Bill?
325
00:14:56,829 --> 00:14:57,965
Charlie,
326
00:14:58,031 --> 00:15:00,100
I have no doubt
that you two shared
327
00:15:00,167 --> 00:15:02,469
some sordid adventures
together,
328
00:15:02,535 --> 00:15:04,304
but that's the past.
329
00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:07,140
The only thing
that matters
330
00:15:07,207 --> 00:15:09,276
to me now is that Bill
is a handsome,
331
00:15:09,342 --> 00:15:11,678
sensitive, wonderful man.
332
00:15:11,744 --> 00:15:13,680
( giggling )
333
00:15:13,746 --> 00:15:15,448
Excuse me?
334
00:15:15,515 --> 00:15:18,318
Nothing.
I'm just happy to be here.
335
00:15:19,786 --> 00:15:22,455
Frankly, Mom, I am a little
uncomfortable with this.
336
00:15:22,522 --> 00:15:25,225
A little?
I think I'm having a stroke.
337
00:15:26,126 --> 00:15:28,996
I knew it.
338
00:15:29,062 --> 00:15:30,363
You hypocrites.
339
00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:31,498
It's perfectly
340
00:15:31,564 --> 00:15:33,766
all right for you
to date younger women,
341
00:15:33,833 --> 00:15:37,104
but when a mature woman gets
involved with a younger man,
342
00:15:37,170 --> 00:15:40,140
somehow it's scandalous
and immoral.
343
00:15:40,207 --> 00:15:41,975
No, no, no, Mom,
it's not the age.
344
00:15:42,042 --> 00:15:43,310
Well, what then?
345
00:15:44,211 --> 00:15:45,745
Because he's your friend?
346
00:15:45,812 --> 00:15:48,615
I didn't object when you dated
that friend of mine.
347
00:15:48,681 --> 00:15:49,682
You what?
348
00:15:49,749 --> 00:15:51,118
One time. I was 19,
349
00:15:51,184 --> 00:15:53,987
and she was a very doable 42.
350
00:15:55,188 --> 00:15:56,923
And if you heard
how she talked about you,
351
00:15:56,990 --> 00:15:58,491
you wouldn't call her
a friend.
352
00:15:58,558 --> 00:15:59,592
I've heard enough.
353
00:15:59,659 --> 00:16:01,661
I'm going to continue
to see Bill,
354
00:16:01,728 --> 00:16:04,864
and if you don't like it,
that's just too bad.
355
00:16:04,931 --> 00:16:06,466
Wait, wait, wait, Mom.
356
00:16:06,533 --> 00:16:09,002
I-I-I thought you came here
so that we could discuss it.
357
00:16:09,069 --> 00:16:10,437
Oh, please, I came here to brag.
358
00:16:10,503 --> 00:16:13,373
I just needed an opening line.
359
00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:15,608
Wow.
360
00:16:15,675 --> 00:16:17,144
She doesn't know.
361
00:16:17,210 --> 00:16:18,978
Yeah, well, someone's
going to have to tell her.
362
00:16:19,046 --> 00:16:19,979
BERTA:
Charlie?
363
00:16:20,047 --> 00:16:21,048
What?
364
00:16:21,114 --> 00:16:22,449
I will clean your house free
365
00:16:22,515 --> 00:16:25,252
for a month
if you let me do it.
366
00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:32,792
Come on, it is
a little funny.
367
00:16:32,859 --> 00:16:34,094
I mean, when
we were dating,
368
00:16:34,161 --> 00:16:36,096
you never wanted me
to meet your mom.
369
00:16:38,431 --> 00:16:41,834
Maybe not so much
funny as ironic.
370
00:16:41,901 --> 00:16:44,037
Look, Jill, Bill...
371
00:16:44,104 --> 00:16:45,305
You're angry with me.
372
00:16:46,206 --> 00:16:49,542
Not angry. Not thrilled.
373
00:16:49,609 --> 00:16:52,011
Charlie, I never planned
for this to happen.
374
00:16:52,079 --> 00:16:54,214
I mean, your mom and I
just hit it off.
375
00:16:54,281 --> 00:16:57,384
She's-she's beautiful,
intelligent, self-assured,
376
00:16:57,450 --> 00:17:02,055
and, man, she's just exploding
with this raw sexuality.
377
00:17:02,122 --> 00:17:05,758
Whoa, whoa, whoa...
listen, fella.
378
00:17:05,825 --> 00:17:08,095
Uh, I don't know what
they told you in orientation,
379
00:17:08,161 --> 00:17:11,264
but... rule number one:
380
00:17:11,331 --> 00:17:13,933
when a guy talks like that
about another guy's mom,
381
00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:15,902
he's likely
to get his ass kicked.
382
00:17:15,968 --> 00:17:17,270
Oh, come on, Charlie, please.
383
00:17:17,337 --> 00:17:18,738
Don't-don't get all macho on me.
384
00:17:18,805 --> 00:17:22,309
You couldn't take me
when I was a girl.
385
00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:23,610
Don't change the subject.
386
00:17:23,676 --> 00:17:25,245
We're talking about you
and my mother.
387
00:17:25,312 --> 00:17:26,213
Why haven't you told her?
388
00:17:26,279 --> 00:17:27,747
Told her what?
389
00:17:27,814 --> 00:17:31,118
That you're lactose-intolerant.
What do you think?!
390
00:17:31,184 --> 00:17:32,285
Stop yelling at me.
391
00:17:32,352 --> 00:17:33,153
I'm not yelling at you!
392
00:17:33,220 --> 00:17:35,655
Yes, you are!
393
00:17:36,756 --> 00:17:39,092
Okay, I'm sorry.
394
00:17:40,026 --> 00:17:41,694
Look, you need
to understand that
395
00:17:41,761 --> 00:17:43,596
no matter how much
I hate my mother,
396
00:17:43,663 --> 00:17:45,898
I love my mother, and I don't
want to see her get hurt...
397
00:17:45,965 --> 00:17:49,269
so you got to tell her before
she finds out the hard way...
398
00:17:50,337 --> 00:17:53,240
...or whatever way
she finds out.
399
00:17:54,507 --> 00:17:56,443
But what if
she rejects me?
400
00:17:56,509 --> 00:18:00,012
Well, welcome to the rodeo,
Calamity Jane.
401
00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:01,214
You want to be a real man?
402
00:18:01,281 --> 00:18:03,015
Grab hold of those
store-bought balls
403
00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:04,517
and just tell the truth.
404
00:18:05,618 --> 00:18:08,188
You're right.
405
00:18:13,126 --> 00:18:14,861
We still friends?
406
00:18:15,962 --> 00:18:17,830
Yeah. Sure.
407
00:18:20,767 --> 00:18:22,369
I'm glad.
408
00:18:22,435 --> 00:18:24,471
They're made out of Teflon,
you know.
409
00:18:26,539 --> 00:18:27,807
Okay,
410
00:18:27,874 --> 00:18:30,377
rule number two...
411
00:18:31,344 --> 00:18:32,812
BERTA:
What'd I miss?
412
00:18:32,879 --> 00:18:35,114
Nothing. I don't think
he's told her yet.
413
00:18:35,182 --> 00:18:36,949
Hey, what are
you doing here?
414
00:18:37,016 --> 00:18:38,518
You finished cleaning
hours ago.
415
00:18:38,585 --> 00:18:39,952
I took a nap in the laundry room
416
00:18:40,019 --> 00:18:41,888
so I'd be fresh
for the big show.
417
00:18:43,756 --> 00:18:46,058
Okay...
418
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:47,794
I think he's
going for it.
419
00:19:01,107 --> 00:19:03,142
Wow. That went
surprisingly well.
420
00:19:03,210 --> 00:19:05,278
Well, damn.
421
00:19:08,014 --> 00:19:09,716
Wait a minute. What's he doing?
422
00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:28,235
There you go.
423
00:19:28,301 --> 00:19:29,936
See you tomorrow.
424
00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:32,739
* Men. *
425
00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:43,082
Okay, uh, we'll make a list.
426
00:19:43,149 --> 00:19:44,717
The, uh, the pros... and cons
427
00:19:44,784 --> 00:19:47,354
of continuing your relationship
with Bill.
428
00:19:48,955 --> 00:19:50,189
Mom?
429
00:19:50,257 --> 00:19:52,859
Well, uh... he certainly
understands women.
430
00:19:54,294 --> 00:19:56,396
O-Okay, that's, uh,
that's a pro.
431
00:19:56,463 --> 00:19:59,198
He used to be a woman!
432
00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:02,369
I'll put con.
433
00:20:02,435 --> 00:20:07,274
Uh... he slept with Charlie
when he was a woman.
434
00:20:07,340 --> 00:20:11,210
Pro. No, wait, con.
Definitely con.
435
00:20:11,278 --> 00:20:13,212
He knows what I like in bed.
436
00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:15,382
He knows what I like in bed!
437
00:20:17,917 --> 00:20:20,353
We'll call that a wash.
438
00:20:20,420 --> 00:20:21,821
What's the score?
439
00:20:21,888 --> 00:20:23,356
Uh, it's about even.
440
00:20:25,124 --> 00:20:26,726
He's gorgeous.
441
00:20:28,261 --> 00:20:30,029
He can afford
beachfront property,
442
00:20:30,096 --> 00:20:32,932
and he's got a trunk
full of fabulous shoes
443
00:20:32,999 --> 00:20:34,934
that fit me perfectly.
444
00:20:35,001 --> 00:20:36,336
Don't wait up.
445
00:20:36,403 --> 00:20:38,638
Mommy's got a date.
29650
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