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1
00:00:02,636 --> 00:00:03,837
Hey, there he is!
2
00:00:03,904 --> 00:00:05,606
High five.
Down low.
3
00:00:05,673 --> 00:00:07,041
Too slow.
4
00:00:07,108 --> 00:00:08,809
Come here, clown.
5
00:00:08,876 --> 00:00:11,379
Upside down.
6
00:00:11,445 --> 00:00:13,514
( woman clears throat )
7
00:00:13,581 --> 00:00:14,315
Hello, Charlie.
8
00:00:14,382 --> 00:00:15,949
Judith, how's it going?
9
00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:18,619
Hey, Uncle Charlie, show Mom how
I mop the floor with my hair.
10
00:00:19,953 --> 00:00:21,655
Well, it's not
really mopping.
11
00:00:21,722 --> 00:00:23,357
It's more like dusting.
12
00:00:23,424 --> 00:00:24,892
And what if you drop him
on his head?
13
00:00:24,958 --> 00:00:27,027
Then I guess I will have to mop.
14
00:00:27,095 --> 00:00:29,063
Wonderful. Where's Alan?
15
00:00:29,130 --> 00:00:31,865
He's in the kitchen.
16
00:00:31,932 --> 00:00:35,136
Walk this way.
17
00:00:38,572 --> 00:00:41,975
Master...
18
00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:45,813
your sexually ambivalent ex-wife
is here.
19
00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:48,849
I'm not ambivalent;
I'm exploring.
20
00:00:48,916 --> 00:00:50,784
Yes, mistress.
21
00:00:52,186 --> 00:00:53,587
Thanks for
bringing Jake over.
22
00:00:53,654 --> 00:00:56,690
Well, I wanted
to give you this anyway.
23
00:00:56,757 --> 00:00:57,925
What is it?
24
00:00:57,991 --> 00:00:59,293
It's the bill
from my divorce lawyer.
25
00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:00,861
You haven't been paying them.
26
00:01:00,928 --> 00:01:02,596
Told you they'd notice.
27
00:01:02,663 --> 00:01:05,899
I also need you
to look this over and sign it.
28
00:01:05,966 --> 00:01:08,068
And what is this?
29
00:01:08,136 --> 00:01:09,470
My lawyer recommended
I take out
30
00:01:09,537 --> 00:01:11,572
a bigger life insurance
policy on you,
31
00:01:11,639 --> 00:01:13,307
you know, in case
you should die
32
00:01:13,374 --> 00:01:15,309
and can't pay the alimony
and legal fees.
33
00:01:16,377 --> 00:01:17,811
Why don't you have him frozen?
34
00:01:17,878 --> 00:01:20,214
Then you can use him
to keep your drinks cold, too.
35
00:01:21,449 --> 00:01:23,484
And who's supposed to pay
for this policy?
36
00:01:23,551 --> 00:01:25,819
You are, and please,
try to be on time
with the premiums.
37
00:01:27,288 --> 00:01:28,589
Boy, my shallow,
empty lifestyle's
38
00:01:28,656 --> 00:01:31,725
looking pretty good
right about now.
39
00:01:31,792 --> 00:01:33,594
Okay, well, as long
as we're on the subject
40
00:01:33,661 --> 00:01:36,597
of lawyers and death,
my lawyer recommended
41
00:01:36,664 --> 00:01:39,467
that I redraft my will,
and you know what?
42
00:01:39,533 --> 00:01:42,970
If I die after you die,
guess who gets custody of Jake?
43
00:01:43,036 --> 00:01:44,938
Charlie.
44
00:01:45,005 --> 00:01:46,807
Charlie?!
45
00:01:46,874 --> 00:01:47,808
Me?
46
00:01:47,875 --> 00:01:48,809
What about my sister?
47
00:01:48,876 --> 00:01:51,279
I never liked your sister.
48
00:01:51,345 --> 00:01:53,147
Is this the sister I slept with?
49
00:01:53,214 --> 00:01:54,548
Shut up, Charlie.
Shut up, Charlie.
50
00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:56,584
Alan, you can't be serious.
51
00:01:56,650 --> 00:01:59,119
He's immature.
He drinks too much.
52
00:01:59,187 --> 00:02:01,289
He sleeps around.
He's completely irresponsible.
53
00:02:01,355 --> 00:02:04,492
Yeah, well, you should've
thought of that before
you threw me out.
54
00:02:05,826 --> 00:02:06,994
Yeah.
55
00:02:07,060 --> 00:02:08,596
All right, Alan,
you're obviously angry
56
00:02:08,662 --> 00:02:10,130
and trying to get even
with me,
57
00:02:10,198 --> 00:02:11,865
but I am not going
to take the bait.
58
00:02:11,932 --> 00:02:13,734
I will see you
on Sunday.
59
00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:14,902
Buh-bye.
60
00:02:17,938 --> 00:02:19,873
Hey, man, thanks.
61
00:02:19,940 --> 00:02:20,841
For what?
62
00:02:20,908 --> 00:02:21,975
For trusting me,
you know,
63
00:02:22,042 --> 00:02:25,045
to take care of Jake
when you croak.
64
00:02:25,112 --> 00:02:26,614
Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
65
00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:28,682
Y-You didn't think
I was serious, did you?
66
00:02:29,750 --> 00:02:31,585
Uh, I just said that
to piss her off.
67
00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:33,887
Oh, right.
68
00:02:33,954 --> 00:02:35,789
Good one.
69
00:02:35,856 --> 00:02:38,759
Hey.
70
00:02:38,826 --> 00:02:41,795
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
71
00:02:41,862 --> 00:02:44,632
* Men... *
72
00:02:47,801 --> 00:02:49,503
That's not fair.
73
00:02:49,570 --> 00:02:53,641
Why don't I get
to keep the kid
when you're dead?
74
00:02:53,707 --> 00:02:57,177
If I'm dead... and-and Judith
would have to die before me
75
00:02:57,245 --> 00:02:58,446
for it to even be an issue.
76
00:02:58,512 --> 00:02:59,713
It-it-it's
a contingency plan
77
00:02:59,780 --> 00:03:01,915
for a hypothetical
worst case scenario.
78
00:03:01,982 --> 00:03:03,351
I know it's a long shot,
79
00:03:03,417 --> 00:03:05,118
but I had the Marlins
in the World Series.
80
00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:06,820
Don't tell me
they don't come in.
81
00:03:06,887 --> 00:03:08,356
It never occurred to me
82
00:03:08,422 --> 00:03:10,057
that you'd even want
to be a full-time parent.
83
00:03:10,123 --> 00:03:12,593
This isn't about what I want;
this is about what you want,
84
00:03:12,660 --> 00:03:14,495
and you don't want me
to have Jake.
85
00:03:14,562 --> 00:03:15,128
What?
86
00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:16,264
Nothing.
Nothing.
87
00:03:16,330 --> 00:03:17,631
Why'd you say my name?
88
00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:20,968
Get over yourself.
No one said your name.
89
00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:22,403
So, what's wrong with me?
90
00:03:22,470 --> 00:03:23,937
Charlie, you're a great uncle.
91
00:03:24,004 --> 00:03:26,240
You're there for all
the fun stuff, but I just...
92
00:03:26,307 --> 00:03:27,941
I don't think you're up
to the hard work
93
00:03:28,008 --> 00:03:30,278
of being a full-time parent
to Jake.
What?
94
00:03:30,344 --> 00:03:32,313
Nothing.
Nothing.
95
00:03:37,951 --> 00:03:40,954
So, if not me,
then who are you giving him to?
96
00:03:41,021 --> 00:03:42,290
I'm not giving him
to anybody.
97
00:03:42,356 --> 00:03:44,458
He's not a five-pound ham.
98
00:03:44,525 --> 00:03:46,159
You know what I mean.
99
00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:48,262
Who gets him in that
scenario thing?
100
00:03:48,329 --> 00:03:50,364
Cousin Jerry and his wife Faye.
101
00:03:50,431 --> 00:03:52,800
Jerry and Faye?
Why Jerry and Faye?
102
00:03:52,866 --> 00:03:54,468
Well, they-they've got
a good marriage,
103
00:03:54,535 --> 00:03:56,970
three kids, lots of dogs,
a big backyard,
104
00:03:57,037 --> 00:03:58,906
and they live
in a great school district.
105
00:03:58,972 --> 00:04:01,642
Yeah, but I'm your brother.
106
00:04:01,709 --> 00:04:03,511
Charlie, it's not...
And I live
107
00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:05,979
right here-- you wouldn't
have to ship him off to...
108
00:04:06,046 --> 00:04:08,849
Cornhole, Kansas.
109
00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:11,285
Coventry, Rhode Island.
110
00:04:11,352 --> 00:04:14,154
Who am I thinking of
that lives in Kansas?
111
00:04:14,221 --> 00:04:16,824
I don't know.
Dorothy and Toto?
112
00:04:18,892 --> 00:04:21,662
All right, Alan, let
me ask you something.
113
00:04:21,729 --> 00:04:22,663
If I'm here,
114
00:04:22,730 --> 00:04:24,465
and Jake's in
Rhode Island,
115
00:04:24,532 --> 00:04:27,000
who's going to teach
him all the things
he needs to know?
116
00:04:27,067 --> 00:04:29,236
Jerry and Faye
are both college professors.
117
00:04:29,303 --> 00:04:32,272
I'm talking about
the important stuff
about life.
118
00:04:32,340 --> 00:04:34,808
Face it, when the
time comes, are
those two eggheads
119
00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:37,678
going to step up and
get your kid laid?
120
00:04:39,179 --> 00:04:41,915
You're not helping your case,
Charlie.
121
00:04:43,250 --> 00:04:44,818
Fine, you've made
your decision.
122
00:04:44,885 --> 00:04:48,756
Despite all I've
been through with
your son, my nephew,
123
00:04:48,822 --> 00:04:50,491
obviously, I have no say
in the matter.
124
00:04:50,558 --> 00:04:51,459
Oh, where are you going?
125
00:04:51,525 --> 00:04:52,926
Well, Alan, quite frankly,
126
00:04:52,993 --> 00:04:55,028
I'm a little hurt and
a little disappointed,
127
00:04:55,095 --> 00:04:57,264
so I'm going to go make myself
a big glass of vodka
128
00:04:57,331 --> 00:04:58,832
and sit and think about things.
129
00:04:59,933 --> 00:05:02,403
Charlie, Charlie, wait.
130
00:05:02,470 --> 00:05:04,171
Okay, how 'bout this?
131
00:05:04,237 --> 00:05:06,306
If Judith dies,
and then I die,
132
00:05:06,374 --> 00:05:07,475
and then Jerry
and Faye die,
133
00:05:07,541 --> 00:05:09,410
Jake will come live
with you.
134
00:05:09,477 --> 00:05:13,714
Yeah, like I'm going
to outlive Jerry and
Faye the way I drink.
135
00:05:16,684 --> 00:05:19,152
What do you
say to Grandma?
136
00:05:19,219 --> 00:05:20,821
Can I at least
open it first?
137
00:05:20,888 --> 00:05:21,955
Jake...
138
00:05:22,022 --> 00:05:23,156
No, he's right.
139
00:05:23,223 --> 00:05:25,325
Wait and see
if he likes it.
140
00:05:29,196 --> 00:05:31,399
Now you can thank me.
141
00:05:32,299 --> 00:05:34,101
Thank you.
142
00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:36,269
Oh, I'm kidding.
143
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:40,441
No little boy wants
a framed picture
of his grandmommy.
144
00:05:40,508 --> 00:05:43,076
This is for your daddy.
145
00:05:44,311 --> 00:05:46,113
What do you say, Dad?
146
00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:48,015
Don't push me, Jake.
147
00:05:48,081 --> 00:05:50,083
That's my new photo for the
Sunday Real Estate section.
148
00:05:50,150 --> 00:05:51,284
I thought maybe you'd like
149
00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:52,686
a color print of it
for your office.
150
00:05:52,753 --> 00:05:53,921
Gee, Mom, we've already got
151
00:05:53,987 --> 00:05:57,024
the one of you
swimming with dolphins.
152
00:05:57,090 --> 00:06:04,498
So you didn't bring me anything?
153
00:06:04,565 --> 00:06:08,035
Of course I brought
you something.
154
00:06:08,101 --> 00:06:10,003
There.
155
00:06:12,105 --> 00:06:15,242
Crayons? I'm ten.
156
00:06:15,308 --> 00:06:17,911
Well, it's not just
crayons, sweetheart.
157
00:06:17,978 --> 00:06:22,149
It's also a dinosaur
coloring book.
158
00:06:22,215 --> 00:06:24,618
But I'm ten.
159
00:06:25,686 --> 00:06:27,421
You want to trade?
160
00:06:28,188 --> 00:06:29,957
No, I'm good.
161
00:06:31,358 --> 00:06:33,293
So...
162
00:06:33,360 --> 00:06:34,462
where's your brother?
163
00:06:34,528 --> 00:06:36,964
Why, what'd he get?
164
00:06:37,030 --> 00:06:40,133
Nothing. I just want
to make sure he knows why.
165
00:06:41,101 --> 00:06:42,169
He's in his room.
166
00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:43,671
He's been sulking all weekend.
167
00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:46,206
Sulking? About what?
168
00:06:46,273 --> 00:06:47,340
Well, it's the silliest thing.
169
00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:48,742
I-I-I just happened to mention
170
00:06:48,809 --> 00:06:50,077
that in the unlikely event
171
00:06:50,143 --> 00:06:52,446
that Judith should die
and I should die,
172
00:06:52,513 --> 00:06:53,914
then custody of
Jake would go to...
173
00:07:00,353 --> 00:07:03,557
Custody of Jake would go to who?
174
00:07:03,624 --> 00:07:07,060
Uh, actually,
it would be "whom."
175
00:07:07,127 --> 00:07:10,030
Alan, who gets Jake?
176
00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:12,399
Now, see,
that's grammatically correct.
177
00:07:12,466 --> 00:07:14,067
Alan...
178
00:07:14,134 --> 00:07:15,669
Jerry and Faye.
179
00:07:15,736 --> 00:07:18,205
Jerry and Faye who?
180
00:07:18,271 --> 00:07:21,208
Your sister's son and his wife.
181
00:07:22,309 --> 00:07:23,944
Them?!
182
00:07:24,011 --> 00:07:26,780
You would bypass
your own mother
183
00:07:26,847 --> 00:07:31,151
in favor of two potato farmers
on Long Island?
184
00:07:31,218 --> 00:07:34,321
They're agriculture professors
in Rhode Island.
185
00:07:34,387 --> 00:07:38,859
Really? Who am I thinking of
who lives on Long Island?
186
00:07:38,926 --> 00:07:41,128
I have no idea.
187
00:07:41,194 --> 00:07:44,798
Well, regardless,
I am deeply insulted.
188
00:07:44,865 --> 00:07:47,968
Oh, come on, Mom, this is
only if Judith and I both die,
189
00:07:48,035 --> 00:07:50,303
and we're not dying,
at least, not before you.
190
00:07:50,370 --> 00:07:51,905
Oh.
191
00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:53,406
Now you're wishing me dead.
192
00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:55,175
No, no, Mom, no, it...
193
00:07:55,242 --> 00:07:57,978
Give me back my picture.
194
00:08:04,184 --> 00:08:05,919
No...
195
00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:10,190
Better you should look at it
and feel shame.
196
00:08:21,535 --> 00:08:24,237
Hey, want to
play one on one?
197
00:08:24,304 --> 00:08:25,372
Sure.
198
00:08:25,438 --> 00:08:27,507
Take it out.
199
00:08:32,312 --> 00:08:33,747
One-nothin'.
200
00:08:36,984 --> 00:08:38,919
You know that Rhode Island
isn't really an island?
201
00:08:38,986 --> 00:08:41,889
That's just a flat-out lie.
202
00:08:47,661 --> 00:08:49,563
Two-nothin'.
203
00:08:49,630 --> 00:08:52,232
Hey, uh, I've got to run
some errands, so I'll be back
in about an hour.
204
00:08:52,299 --> 00:08:53,233
You guys going to be okay?
205
00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:54,602
Gee, Alan, you sure I can handle
206
00:08:54,668 --> 00:08:55,969
the responsibility?
207
00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:58,939
What if he wants
to go to college or something?
208
00:08:59,006 --> 00:09:01,408
Charlie, please don't start.
209
00:09:01,474 --> 00:09:03,644
I'll see you later.
Hey!
210
00:09:05,345 --> 00:09:07,781
Three-nothin'.
211
00:09:07,848 --> 00:09:09,149
That was a time-out.
212
00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:10,083
You didn't call it.
213
00:09:10,150 --> 00:09:12,620
Fine. Three-nothing.
214
00:09:12,686 --> 00:09:13,921
You want a do-over?
215
00:09:13,987 --> 00:09:16,223
No, I don't want a do-over.
216
00:09:16,289 --> 00:09:17,791
Just bring it on.
217
00:09:21,729 --> 00:09:23,631
Not so easy when I'm
paying attention, is it?
218
00:09:23,697 --> 00:09:26,266
Not so hard, either.
219
00:09:27,367 --> 00:09:31,004
( grunts )
220
00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:32,139
Ow! My head!
221
00:09:38,111 --> 00:09:38,879
You okay?
222
00:09:39,212 --> 00:09:41,348
No.
223
00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:42,850
Okay, okay, don't panic.
224
00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:44,151
I'm not panicking.
225
00:09:44,217 --> 00:09:45,919
Good.
226
00:09:45,986 --> 00:09:47,287
Ah, you're going to be fine.
227
00:09:47,354 --> 00:09:49,456
We've just got
to stop the bleeding.
228
00:09:49,522 --> 00:09:51,792
I'm bleeding?!
229
00:09:51,859 --> 00:09:52,893
( screams )
230
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:54,628
It's okay... ( screams )
231
00:09:54,695 --> 00:09:55,462
What?
232
00:09:55,528 --> 00:09:56,797
Nothing, nothing.
233
00:09:56,864 --> 00:09:58,298
Just a little trickle.
234
00:09:58,365 --> 00:09:59,166
Here, take my shirt.
235
00:09:59,232 --> 00:10:00,267
Hold it up here.
Ow!
236
00:10:00,333 --> 00:10:01,802
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
237
00:10:01,869 --> 00:10:03,570
Okay, let's get you up.
238
00:10:03,637 --> 00:10:05,138
Nice and slow. Atta boy.
239
00:10:05,205 --> 00:10:07,240
I'll grab my car keys,
and we'll head to the hospital.
240
00:10:07,307 --> 00:10:08,475
A hospital?
241
00:10:08,541 --> 00:10:09,609
I don't want to
go a hospital.
242
00:10:09,677 --> 00:10:11,211
Did I say hospital?
243
00:10:11,278 --> 00:10:12,612
I meant Disneyland.
244
00:10:13,513 --> 00:10:15,182
How's it going there, pal?
245
00:10:15,248 --> 00:10:16,416
You still bleeding?
246
00:10:16,483 --> 00:10:17,484
I dunno.
247
00:10:17,550 --> 00:10:19,519
Don't look. Don't look.
248
00:10:19,586 --> 00:10:20,520
You just hang in there.
249
00:10:20,587 --> 00:10:21,989
We'll get you fixed up
250
00:10:22,055 --> 00:10:23,456
and you'll be back home
before you know it.
251
00:10:23,523 --> 00:10:28,061
Just as soon as we find
the freakin' hospital.
252
00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:29,897
You don't know
where the hospital is?
253
00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:32,132
Of course I know where it is.
254
00:10:35,002 --> 00:10:36,303
I'm kind of hungry.
255
00:10:36,369 --> 00:10:38,138
Can we stop
for a chili cheeseburger?
256
00:10:38,205 --> 00:10:39,172
You're hungry?
257
00:10:39,239 --> 00:10:40,774
How can you even think
about food?
258
00:10:40,841 --> 00:10:43,410
What do you think about
when you're hungry?
259
00:10:44,511 --> 00:10:46,113
Fair enough.
260
00:10:46,179 --> 00:10:49,817
We'll get you a chili
cheeseburger at the hospital.
261
00:10:49,883 --> 00:10:51,985
Well, do they have fries
at the hospital?
262
00:10:52,052 --> 00:10:54,087
They have everything.
263
00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:57,557
Some people go
just for the food.
264
00:10:57,624 --> 00:11:01,128
Oh, man, we'd better
call your dad.
265
00:11:03,030 --> 00:11:06,066
( phone ringing )
266
00:11:06,133 --> 00:11:08,535
Hello?
267
00:11:08,601 --> 00:11:10,470
Why do you have
your father's phone?
268
00:11:10,537 --> 00:11:11,739
I dunno.
269
00:11:12,639 --> 00:11:14,975
That's
great.
270
00:11:15,042 --> 00:11:16,676
Bye.
271
00:11:19,312 --> 00:11:20,213
( siren wailing )
272
00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:21,348
Yes. An ambulance.
273
00:11:21,414 --> 00:11:23,984
50-50 shot
he's going to a hospital.
274
00:11:24,051 --> 00:11:25,352
Hang on.
275
00:11:25,418 --> 00:11:27,087
Whoa.
276
00:11:28,321 --> 00:11:30,257
I can't believe we
beat the ambulance.
277
00:11:30,323 --> 00:11:32,492
Yeah, well, those things
are just ice cream trucks
278
00:11:32,559 --> 00:11:33,593
with blood bags.
279
00:11:33,660 --> 00:11:35,628
Hi. We need
to see a doctor.
280
00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:37,464
Just fill these out
and have a seat.
281
00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,166
No, no, no,
you don't understand.
282
00:11:39,232 --> 00:11:40,768
He hit his head.
He's bleeding.
283
00:11:40,834 --> 00:11:42,335
Did he lose
consciousness?
284
00:11:42,402 --> 00:11:43,570
No.
285
00:11:43,636 --> 00:11:45,638
I got a little woozy, though.
286
00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:47,440
Follow my finger.
287
00:11:50,410 --> 00:11:51,711
He's going to be fine.
288
00:11:51,779 --> 00:11:53,781
That's it?
289
00:11:53,847 --> 00:11:55,715
"Bup, bup, bup,
he's going to be fine"?
290
00:11:56,649 --> 00:11:58,151
That's not a medical test.
291
00:11:58,218 --> 00:12:00,187
That's how you hypnotize
a chicken.
292
00:12:00,253 --> 00:12:03,356
I'd like a chili cheeseburger
and fries, please.
293
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:06,259
You see, he's
hallucinating.
294
00:12:06,326 --> 00:12:08,728
Can we please just get him
in to a doctor?
295
00:12:08,796 --> 00:12:10,263
Well, you need
to fill this out first.
296
00:12:10,330 --> 00:12:11,999
Oh, come on.
This is gonna take forever.
297
00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:13,233
Can't we do this later?
298
00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:17,437
Over dinner?
299
00:12:17,504 --> 00:12:19,807
Now you're hallucinating.
300
00:12:19,873 --> 00:12:21,775
Oh, jeez. Come on, buddy.
301
00:12:25,846 --> 00:12:27,881
All right.
302
00:12:27,948 --> 00:12:28,949
Let's see.
303
00:12:29,016 --> 00:12:30,317
Last name: Harper.
304
00:12:30,383 --> 00:12:32,519
First name: Jac... ob?
305
00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:33,453
Mm-hmm.
306
00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:35,455
Jacob. I knew that.
307
00:12:35,522 --> 00:12:36,723
Middle name?
308
00:12:36,790 --> 00:12:37,624
You don't know?
309
00:12:37,690 --> 00:12:38,625
Of course I know.
310
00:12:38,691 --> 00:12:40,427
I want to see if you know.
311
00:12:40,493 --> 00:12:41,561
You fell on your head, dude.
312
00:12:41,628 --> 00:12:42,395
David.
313
00:12:42,462 --> 00:12:43,964
Wow, Jacob David.
314
00:12:44,031 --> 00:12:47,634
They went full Old Testament
on you, didn't they?
315
00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:49,169
Age: Ten.
316
00:12:49,236 --> 00:12:50,637
Allergies?
317
00:12:50,703 --> 00:12:52,105
I dunno.
318
00:12:52,172 --> 00:12:54,875
Is there anything you eat
that makes you sick?
319
00:12:54,942 --> 00:12:57,744
I ate a worm once.
320
00:12:57,811 --> 00:13:00,347
No allergies.
321
00:13:00,413 --> 00:13:02,315
Have you had
any of the following?
322
00:13:02,382 --> 00:13:03,516
Measles?
323
00:13:03,583 --> 00:13:04,551
I dunno.
Mumps?
324
00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:06,553
I dunno.
Chickenpox?
325
00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:07,821
Is that the one with the spots?
326
00:13:07,888 --> 00:13:08,822
Yeah.
327
00:13:08,889 --> 00:13:09,756
I dunno.
328
00:13:09,823 --> 00:13:11,291
All right.
329
00:13:11,358 --> 00:13:13,861
We're just gonna vote
the "straight no" ticket.
330
00:13:13,927 --> 00:13:16,629
Family history?
331
00:13:16,696 --> 00:13:19,466
Well, your grandmother's
always been
332
00:13:19,532 --> 00:13:20,633
a pain in the ass.
333
00:13:20,700 --> 00:13:22,202
Gonzalez.
334
00:13:22,269 --> 00:13:23,703
Right here.
335
00:13:23,770 --> 00:13:26,506
I'm Gonzalez.
336
00:13:27,574 --> 00:13:29,276
No, you're not.
337
00:13:30,710 --> 00:13:33,480
Oh, right.
338
00:13:33,546 --> 00:13:36,116
He's Gonzalez.
339
00:13:38,018 --> 00:13:41,488
Okay, you're going to
feel a little sting.
340
00:13:41,554 --> 00:13:43,456
Nobody said I had to get a shot.
341
00:13:43,523 --> 00:13:44,724
It's to numb your skin
342
00:13:44,791 --> 00:13:46,193
so you won't feel
the stitches.
343
00:13:46,259 --> 00:13:49,362
What are you gonna give me
not to feel the shot?
344
00:13:49,429 --> 00:13:50,597
It's all right, pal.
345
00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:52,265
I'm right here with you.
346
00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:53,433
Big deal.
347
00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:55,602
I'm still gonna get a shot
in my head.
348
00:13:55,668 --> 00:13:59,639
Come on. Just hold my hand.
Look me in the eyes.
349
00:13:59,706 --> 00:14:01,608
Go ahead, Doc.
350
00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:03,076
Ow, ow, ow!
351
00:14:03,143 --> 00:14:04,577
Hey, hey, go easy on the kid.
352
00:14:04,644 --> 00:14:06,213
No, you're squishing my hand.
353
00:14:08,648 --> 00:14:10,217
Oh, sorry.
354
00:14:10,283 --> 00:14:11,551
But you didn't feel the shot,
did you?
355
00:14:11,618 --> 00:14:12,619
No.
356
00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:14,287
You're welcome.
357
00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:16,356
Maybe you would prefer
to wait outside.
358
00:14:16,423 --> 00:14:19,026
I'd prefer a morphine drip
and a sponge bath,
359
00:14:19,092 --> 00:14:20,227
but the kid needs me.
360
00:14:20,293 --> 00:14:23,363
How many stitches
am I gonna get?
361
00:14:23,430 --> 00:14:24,932
Oh, I don't know,
three or four.
362
00:14:24,998 --> 00:14:26,266
That's all?
363
00:14:26,333 --> 00:14:28,535
Scott Pressman got nine
when his sister hit him
364
00:14:28,601 --> 00:14:29,569
with an Etch-A-Sketch.
365
00:14:29,636 --> 00:14:31,504
Help us out here, Doc.
366
00:14:31,571 --> 00:14:34,707
Okay, I'll go five,
but one is purely decorative.
367
00:14:34,774 --> 00:14:36,176
Thank you.
368
00:14:36,243 --> 00:14:37,610
Is this going to leave a scar?
369
00:14:37,677 --> 00:14:39,246
I'm afraid so.
370
00:14:39,312 --> 00:14:40,180
Oh, no.
371
00:14:40,247 --> 00:14:41,048
Yes!
372
00:14:41,114 --> 00:14:43,917
Okay, let's get started.
373
00:14:43,984 --> 00:14:45,285
( phone ringing )
Oh, good.
374
00:14:45,352 --> 00:14:47,487
Maybe that's your father.
375
00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:48,956
Hello?
376
00:14:49,022 --> 00:14:52,625
Oh, hey, Judith.
377
00:14:52,692 --> 00:14:55,963
No, it's me, Charlie.
378
00:14:56,029 --> 00:14:57,965
What am I doing
with Alan's phone?
379
00:14:58,031 --> 00:15:01,468
Why, do you want custody
of that, too?
380
00:15:02,869 --> 00:15:06,006
Oh, come on. That's funny.
381
00:15:06,073 --> 00:15:10,110
I don't know, maybe Alan and I
accidentally switched phones.
382
00:15:10,177 --> 00:15:12,612
Why don't you try calling him
on mine?
383
00:15:12,679 --> 00:15:16,616
310-Lick-Me.
384
00:15:19,352 --> 00:15:23,490
Hey, I didn't pick it,
but that's what it spells.
385
00:15:23,556 --> 00:15:25,125
Okay, good-bye.
386
00:15:25,192 --> 00:15:27,860
Are you doing it,
'cause I can't feel anything.
387
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:29,162
Yeah, that's the idea.
388
00:15:29,229 --> 00:15:30,630
Can you see my brain?
389
00:15:32,099 --> 00:15:32,932
Sure. Sure.
390
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:34,434
It's a big brain.
391
00:15:34,501 --> 00:15:36,603
You must be very smart.
( phone ringing )
392
00:15:36,669 --> 00:15:39,506
Your phone's ringing.
393
00:15:39,572 --> 00:15:40,640
No, it's not.
394
00:15:40,707 --> 00:15:43,076
The doctor's just stimulating
395
00:15:43,143 --> 00:15:45,912
the phone-ring part
of your brain.
396
00:15:45,979 --> 00:15:47,780
Right, Doc?
397
00:15:47,847 --> 00:15:49,149
Sure, why not?
398
00:15:49,216 --> 00:15:51,384
Hey, I ordered
a chili cheeseburger out there.
399
00:15:51,451 --> 00:15:53,420
Will they know to bring it in?
400
00:15:56,689 --> 00:15:57,991
Oh, come on, Mom.
401
00:15:58,058 --> 00:16:01,361
Those are two
completely different scenarios.
402
00:16:01,428 --> 00:16:03,330
Hey.
403
00:16:06,033 --> 00:16:07,234
Cool hats.
404
00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:08,768
So, you're saying that
405
00:16:08,835 --> 00:16:11,371
because I didn't name
you as Jake's guardian
406
00:16:11,438 --> 00:16:13,940
you're switching your
medical power of attorney
407
00:16:14,007 --> 00:16:15,475
from me to Charlie?
408
00:16:15,542 --> 00:16:16,476
What's going on?
409
00:16:16,543 --> 00:16:17,244
Hang on.
410
00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:18,811
If Mom's ever in a coma,
411
00:16:18,878 --> 00:16:21,614
you're the one who has to
decide to pull the plug.
412
00:16:24,851 --> 00:16:27,320
Pull.
413
00:16:27,387 --> 00:16:29,789
All right, Mom,
Charlie's on board.
414
00:16:29,856 --> 00:16:30,923
Yeah, yeah, gotta go.
415
00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:32,359
Hey, where've you guys been?
416
00:16:32,425 --> 00:16:35,128
Oh, you know, we went
and got a couple of hamburgers,
417
00:16:35,195 --> 00:16:38,431
bought some hats.
418
00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:43,036
Ate the hamburgers,
wearing the hats.
419
00:16:43,103 --> 00:16:44,371
Okay.
420
00:16:44,437 --> 00:16:46,139
You're right.
He bought it.
421
00:16:46,206 --> 00:16:48,575
Bought what?
422
00:16:48,641 --> 00:16:53,613
Oh, dude, you can forget
about a life of crime.
423
00:16:55,582 --> 00:16:56,849
Oh, my God.
424
00:16:56,916 --> 00:16:58,418
What happened?
425
00:16:58,485 --> 00:17:00,953
We were playing basketball,
and it got a little rough.
426
00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:02,289
He fouled me.
You charged.
427
00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:03,490
Did not.
Did, too.
428
00:17:03,556 --> 00:17:04,591
Hold on. Hold on.
429
00:17:04,657 --> 00:17:06,559
So you took him
to the emergency room?
Yes.
430
00:17:06,626 --> 00:17:08,961
Where the cheeseburgers
sucked, by the way.
431
00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:10,263
But he's okay?
432
00:17:10,330 --> 00:17:13,032
There's no concussion
or anything?
No.
433
00:17:13,100 --> 00:17:14,467
We saw my brain.
434
00:17:14,534 --> 00:17:15,302
No, we didn't.
435
00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:17,437
We didn't see any brains.
436
00:17:17,504 --> 00:17:19,038
Hey, why didn't you call me?
437
00:17:20,006 --> 00:17:21,241
Oh, there it is.
438
00:17:21,308 --> 00:17:23,610
Why do you have my cell phone?
439
00:17:23,676 --> 00:17:25,078
I dunno.
440
00:17:25,145 --> 00:17:26,913
All right.
441
00:17:26,979 --> 00:17:28,481
You sure you're okay?
442
00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:29,249
Mm-hmm.
443
00:17:29,316 --> 00:17:31,318
Can I go watch TV?
444
00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:32,452
Sure.
445
00:17:34,821 --> 00:17:37,124
I am really sorry, Alan.
446
00:17:37,190 --> 00:17:38,625
Oh, don't worry about it.
447
00:17:38,691 --> 00:17:39,959
He's fine.
448
00:17:40,026 --> 00:17:41,027
Yeah, but I'm not.
449
00:17:41,094 --> 00:17:42,595
You were right.
450
00:17:42,662 --> 00:17:45,665
I obviously can't be trusted
to take care of Jake.
451
00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:48,335
Believe me,
the second you're in the ground,
452
00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:51,371
I'm sticking that kid on a plane
to Rhode Island.
453
00:17:51,438 --> 00:17:53,540
Charlie,
let me tell you something.
454
00:17:53,606 --> 00:17:56,243
You can't keep Jake
from ever getting hurt.
455
00:17:56,309 --> 00:17:59,746
He's a boy. Getting
hurt is like his job.
456
00:17:59,812 --> 00:18:02,682
Last summer he actually
fractured his ass
457
00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:05,318
doing a cannonball
into the bathtub.
458
00:18:05,385 --> 00:18:08,221
All I care about is that he
has somebody who loves him
459
00:18:08,288 --> 00:18:10,323
and who'll step up
when it really counts.
460
00:18:10,390 --> 00:18:12,425
And that's what you did today.
461
00:18:12,492 --> 00:18:17,029
Yeah, I... I guess I did,
didn't I?
462
00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:18,598
Yeah, and if, God forbid,
463
00:18:18,665 --> 00:18:23,303
something should ever
happen to Judith and me...
464
00:18:23,370 --> 00:18:24,771
I would be very comfortable
465
00:18:24,837 --> 00:18:27,607
knowing that you were
looking after my son.
466
00:18:28,975 --> 00:18:31,611
Dead, but comfortable.
467
00:18:33,513 --> 00:18:37,917
Does this mean
you're putting me in the
will?
468
00:18:37,984 --> 00:18:39,552
Yeah.
469
00:18:39,619 --> 00:18:41,120
Oh, wow.
470
00:18:41,188 --> 00:18:43,356
Thanks, man.
471
00:18:44,857 --> 00:18:47,294
That means a lot.
472
00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:48,795
Just do me a favor,
all right?
473
00:18:48,861 --> 00:18:50,463
What's that?
474
00:18:50,530 --> 00:18:53,132
Don't die.
475
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:56,269
* Men.
476
00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:03,643
That's a very cute hat.
477
00:19:03,710 --> 00:19:07,514
Thank you. It makes
my hair sweat.
478
00:19:08,114 --> 00:19:09,216
Oh, my God.
479
00:19:09,282 --> 00:19:11,017
What happened
to your head?
480
00:19:11,083 --> 00:19:12,919
Oh, I got five stitches.
481
00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:15,121
There was blood everywhere.
482
00:19:15,188 --> 00:19:16,656
Why didn't anyone tell me?
483
00:19:16,723 --> 00:19:18,291
I just did.
484
00:19:18,358 --> 00:19:20,427
Can we stop for pizza?
485
00:19:20,493 --> 00:19:21,928
I can't believe this.
486
00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:25,498
I'm going to have a little talk
with your father.
487
00:19:26,399 --> 00:19:30,036
( phone ringing )
488
00:19:30,102 --> 00:19:31,571
Hello?
32585
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