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1
00:00:08,481 --> 00:00:11,681
Hey, why this dog wear an suit?
They've job's interviews today?
2
00:00:12,632 --> 00:00:15,432
No, they're audditioning
for a player roof.
3
00:00:17,915 --> 00:00:19,981
- Ah! You're not kidding.
- You've got to play?
4
00:00:19,982 --> 00:00:21,589
- That's awesome.
- Yeah.
5
00:00:21,590 --> 00:00:24,082
It's called Hillary Clinton, the woman
Who Should Have Been President.
6
00:00:24,150 --> 00:00:25,784
It explores the inner angst
of a woman who, in order
7
00:00:25,835 --> 00:00:28,036
to succeed in a man's world,
is forced to wear a pantsuit.
8
00:00:28,121 --> 00:00:29,654
Hmm. What's going on over there?
9
00:00:29,705 --> 00:00:31,123
Oh.
10
00:00:31,174 --> 00:00:32,323
Shelley's auditioning
Janet Renos.
11
00:00:32,375 --> 00:00:34,492
Oh, yeah.
Well, the wig fits,
12
00:00:34,544 --> 00:00:36,294
but you're gonna have
to get your voice lower.
13
00:00:36,345 --> 00:00:37,763
It's still too feminine.
14
00:00:37,830 --> 00:00:40,245
Hey, you think there's
a part for Hope?
15
00:00:40,246 --> 00:00:40,849
Yeah.
16
00:00:40,933 --> 00:00:43,018
She's either gonna play Hillary
Clinton or Monica Lewinsky.
17
00:00:43,102 --> 00:00:44,186
Oh, I hope she
gets Hillary.
18
00:00:44,270 --> 00:00:45,637
I don't know.
19
00:00:45,688 --> 00:00:47,672
Monica Lewinsky has a
really successful handbag line.
20
00:00:47,723 --> 00:00:49,524
Hillary's just a secretary.
21
00:00:49,609 --> 00:00:50,692
Butchie, no!
22
00:00:50,777 --> 00:00:52,277
No, stop it!
23
00:00:52,344 --> 00:00:53,895
Stop it!
I think we found our Bill Clinton.
24
00:00:53,980 --> 00:00:56,047
Yeah.
25
00:01:26,857 --> 00:01:30,357
Sync and corrected by dr.jackson
for www.addic7ed.com
26
00:01:35,988 --> 00:01:37,989
Hey, Floyd, Big Judy.
27
00:01:38,057 --> 00:01:39,991
I lost ten pounds.
28
00:01:40,059 --> 00:01:42,393
Hey, Not-as-big-as-you-have-been
in-the-past Judy.
29
00:01:42,445 --> 00:01:44,896
You all here to pawn something
or buy something back?
30
00:01:44,947 --> 00:01:46,564
We came
to get back our cooler scooter.
31
00:01:46,616 --> 00:01:49,751
Yup. We thought we couldn't live
without a motorized scooter
32
00:01:49,836 --> 00:01:53,538
that kept 36 beers cold,
but no, no, we cannot.
33
00:01:53,589 --> 00:01:56,074
I'll get it, and Floyd,
while I'm gone,
34
00:01:56,125 --> 00:01:58,093
it wouldn't be the end
of the world
35
00:01:58,177 --> 00:01:59,761
if you would use
your math skills
36
00:01:59,846 --> 00:02:02,681
to figure out where the hell
I went wrong with that Sudoku.
37
00:02:02,748 --> 00:02:04,716
I hate coming in
here and seeing all
38
00:02:04,767 --> 00:02:06,101
my old stuff that
I had to sell.
39
00:02:06,168 --> 00:02:07,302
My light-up Frisbee,
40
00:02:07,370 --> 00:02:08,503
my Garbage Pail Kids,
41
00:02:08,571 --> 00:02:10,772
my Dr. Shazaamo Magic Kit.
42
00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:12,641
How has no one bought
this stuff?
43
00:02:12,708 --> 00:02:15,277
It's not easy for me, either.
44
00:02:15,344 --> 00:02:17,579
Every cool piece of jewelry
I've ever owned
45
00:02:17,647 --> 00:02:19,881
is right here
in this glass case.
46
00:02:19,949 --> 00:02:20,815
Oh, yeah, baby...
47
00:02:22,752 --> 00:02:26,521
And at the wire,
it's Mary Jane by a nose...
48
00:02:26,589 --> 00:02:29,791
Oh, hey, look at this. Doesn't Mom
have one of these little pig statues?
49
00:02:29,876 --> 00:02:31,543
Yeah, yeah,
your mom has all kinds of crap.
50
00:02:31,610 --> 00:02:33,545
Number one's a big mover...
51
00:02:35,965 --> 00:02:39,167
So, you're watching dog
racing on our old TV.
52
00:02:39,235 --> 00:02:40,886
You looking to make bets?
53
00:02:42,371 --> 00:02:44,890
No. No, I'm done
with all that.
54
00:02:44,957 --> 00:02:46,575
Here it is.
55
00:02:46,642 --> 00:02:50,378
Give me 85 bucks,
and it's all yours again.
56
00:02:50,446 --> 00:02:52,414
You mean 25 bucks.
No.
57
00:02:52,481 --> 00:02:54,849
$25 by last Friday,
but you didn't pay by then.
58
00:02:54,917 --> 00:02:56,351
But this is all I have.
59
00:02:56,419 --> 00:02:59,955
And they're off.
60
00:03:00,022 --> 00:03:02,357
Next to number four Naberdez
moving to the inside lane...
61
00:03:02,441 --> 00:03:04,075
How long
till the next race?
62
00:03:04,143 --> 00:03:06,661
Welcome back,
old friend.
63
00:03:06,729 --> 00:03:09,331
Welcome back.
64
00:03:09,415 --> 00:03:10,632
Ah, Home on the Mange.
65
00:03:10,700 --> 00:03:12,167
Home on the Mange!
66
00:03:12,251 --> 00:03:14,252
Home on the Mange.
Come on, come on!
67
00:03:14,320 --> 00:03:15,620
Yes! Yes!
68
00:03:15,671 --> 00:03:17,655
Winner, winner, kibble dinner!
69
00:03:21,294 --> 00:03:23,328
Gambling?
70
00:03:23,379 --> 00:03:24,846
Are you kidding me?
71
00:03:24,914 --> 00:03:26,481
You know
you have a gambling problem.
72
00:03:26,549 --> 00:03:28,633
I got our scooter cooler back.
73
00:03:28,684 --> 00:03:30,485
If anything,
you be shouldanking me.
74
00:03:30,553 --> 00:03:31,553
Maybe
you have a thanking problem.
75
00:03:31,621 --> 00:03:32,854
Look at you.
76
00:03:32,939 --> 00:03:35,123
You're acting
like a maniac.
77
00:03:35,191 --> 00:03:37,292
All twitchy
with that crazy tongue of yours
78
00:03:37,360 --> 00:03:38,193
sticking out
of your head.
79
00:03:38,260 --> 00:03:39,461
I hate you like this!
80
00:03:39,528 --> 00:03:40,578
Ah, what's the big deal
81
00:03:40,646 --> 00:03:42,113
with a little
bit of gambling?
82
00:03:42,181 --> 00:03:43,865
Dad went in there
with nothing,
83
00:03:43,950 --> 00:03:45,567
anmade it
into something.
84
00:03:47,036 --> 00:03:48,153
Stop it, Jimmy.
85
00:03:48,204 --> 00:03:50,688
The only thing worse
than pigeons is magic.
86
00:03:50,740 --> 00:03:52,507
- Creeps me out.
- I'm sorry.
87
00:03:52,575 --> 00:03:55,076
- Will this make you feel better?
- Oh!
88
00:03:55,161 --> 00:03:56,094
Stop it!
89
00:03:56,162 --> 00:03:58,213
This is a serious situation.
90
00:03:58,297 --> 00:04:00,315
Mr. Ants-in-his-pants over here
91
00:04:00,383 --> 00:04:01,750
has a serious
history
92
00:04:01,817 --> 00:04:02,817
with gambling.
93
00:04:04,754 --> 00:04:07,589
He went on his
lastgambling binge
94
00:04:07,673 --> 00:04:10,425
the year I had completedmy Porkchester collection.
95
00:04:10,509 --> 00:04:12,827
Your father wason a hot streak,
96
00:04:12,895 --> 00:04:16,881
...so he came
in feelinglike a thousand bucks.
97
00:04:16,949 --> 00:04:19,067
Who's your daddy?!
98
00:04:19,151 --> 00:04:21,603
Oh, not you. I know you don't
know who your daddy is.
99
00:04:21,687 --> 00:04:23,320
Who's your daddy?
100
00:04:23,475 --> 00:04:25,492
He bet on anything he could,
101
00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:27,944
and everything was greatuntil he started to lose.
102
00:04:27,971 --> 00:04:30,889
No, no, no!
How does a guy with one ball
103
00:04:30,940 --> 00:04:33,258
win a bicycle race
three years in a row?!
104
00:04:34,585 --> 00:04:36,970
Oh, less drag!
105
00:04:37,038 --> 00:04:39,706
Less drag.
106
00:04:39,757 --> 00:04:42,976
Your dad lost so much, he
hadto pawn all of his valuables.
107
00:04:45,379 --> 00:04:48,899
Then, when he lost even more,
108
00:04:48,983 --> 00:04:51,351
he had to pawn my valuables.
109
00:05:00,060 --> 00:05:02,946
And when he hit rock bottom,
110
00:05:03,030 --> 00:05:05,532
he pawned allof your valuables.
111
00:05:11,957 --> 00:05:14,575
You told me you took
all the money out my piggy bank
112
00:05:14,627 --> 00:05:16,077
and put it
in a retirement four-oh-wunk.
113
00:05:16,128 --> 00:05:18,680
I'm telling you, Jimmy,
he has a serious problem.
114
00:05:18,747 --> 00:05:20,381
Virginia, it's under control.
115
00:05:20,432 --> 00:05:22,183
I can quit any time I want.
116
00:05:22,251 --> 00:05:23,268
Mm-hmm.
117
00:05:23,352 --> 00:05:25,353
And maybe you won't be so mad
118
00:05:25,420 --> 00:05:27,522
when you see these beautiful
earrings I got for you.
119
00:05:27,589 --> 00:05:29,257
Oh.
120
00:05:29,308 --> 00:05:32,310
These are cufflinks
that say "Burt" on them.
121
00:05:32,394 --> 00:05:35,063
It's so hard to shop for you.
122
00:05:35,114 --> 00:05:36,281
Wait a second.
Mm.
123
00:05:36,365 --> 00:05:38,066
You said we pawned
all those toys
124
00:05:38,117 --> 00:05:39,534
to help starving
kids in Africa.
125
00:05:39,601 --> 00:05:42,737
You're telling me no one's
starving in Africa?
126
00:05:48,138 --> 00:05:50,190
Dick Nixon had Watergate
127
00:05:50,274 --> 00:05:51,724
Hoover's depression
was really great
128
00:05:51,809 --> 00:05:55,678
W. Bush was clearly
not a genius, genius
129
00:05:55,729 --> 00:05:58,948
LBJ took us to 'Nam,
Barack's economy is a sham
130
00:05:59,016 --> 00:06:02,535
And the thing
they have in common is a...
131
00:06:02,620 --> 00:06:04,537
"Penis."
132
00:06:04,622 --> 00:06:06,522
That's where you're supposed
to say, "penis."
133
00:06:06,574 --> 00:06:08,908
Look, if I pick you for Hillary,
you have to say "penis."
134
00:06:08,993 --> 00:06:10,460
Can she learn "penis"
by next Tuesday?
135
00:06:10,527 --> 00:06:12,879
Maybe, but how about you write
another lyric by next Tuesday?
136
00:06:14,081 --> 00:06:17,083
Allow me.
137
00:06:17,167 --> 00:06:18,968
Will you stop
with that nonsense?
138
00:06:19,036 --> 00:06:21,037
Unless you can come up
with a magic trick
139
00:06:21,088 --> 00:06:23,205
that'll make your dad's
gambling habit disappear.
140
00:06:23,257 --> 00:06:24,641
Oh, he said
he's not gambling anymore.
141
00:06:24,708 --> 00:06:26,142
Oh, please.
142
00:06:28,345 --> 00:06:31,598
Yes, yes, yes!
143
00:06:31,665 --> 00:06:34,684
Garfield finally got
himself some lasagna.
144
00:06:36,904 --> 00:06:38,855
Once he starts gambling,
he can't stop.
145
00:06:38,906 --> 00:06:40,222
Wait. He stopped
once before, right?
146
00:06:40,274 --> 00:06:42,275
So, how did you get him
to stop then?
147
00:06:42,359 --> 00:06:44,994
Well...
148
00:06:45,062 --> 00:06:47,229
The only wayBurt would stop gambling
149
00:06:47,281 --> 00:06:49,532
was if he hit rock bottom.
150
00:06:49,583 --> 00:06:51,584
Okay, one more time.
151
00:06:51,669 --> 00:06:53,069
Who tied us up?
152
00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:54,570
The boogey man.
153
00:06:54,622 --> 00:06:57,006
No, not the boogey man.
154
00:06:57,074 --> 00:06:58,791
The bookie man.
155
00:06:58,876 --> 00:07:00,743
You know what?
156
00:07:00,794 --> 00:07:02,845
Let's just do this.
157
00:07:02,913 --> 00:07:04,080
Here goes.
158
00:07:05,349 --> 00:07:06,883
Ready?
159
00:07:09,386 --> 00:07:11,187
What-what happened? What...?
160
00:07:11,254 --> 00:07:14,924
The bookies came and demanded
money, but we didn't have any,
161
00:07:14,975 --> 00:07:17,977
so they beat the hell out of us
and took your stilts.
162
00:07:18,062 --> 00:07:20,429
They got my stilts?
163
00:07:20,481 --> 00:07:22,398
Oh, man, I was just starting
to get good at those.
164
00:07:22,449 --> 00:07:23,650
I'm sorry, baby.
165
00:07:23,734 --> 00:07:24,817
I'll never gamble again.
166
00:07:24,902 --> 00:07:26,286
I'll make it up to you.
167
00:07:28,289 --> 00:07:32,075
No, no, no, no, no, no!
168
00:07:35,663 --> 00:07:37,747
Why don't you guys
just do that again?
169
00:07:37,798 --> 00:07:39,499
Because Burt's on a
winning streak now.
170
00:07:39,583 --> 00:07:41,134
There's no bookie
to owe this time.
171
00:07:41,218 --> 00:07:42,051
You know, I
think there's
172
00:07:42,119 --> 00:07:43,303
a gamblers support group
173
00:07:43,387 --> 00:07:44,354
that meets
in my church basement.
174
00:07:44,421 --> 00:07:45,454
They've also got one
175
00:07:45,506 --> 00:07:47,173
for drinkers,
overeaters, sex addicts,
176
00:07:47,257 --> 00:07:48,141
druggies.
177
00:07:48,225 --> 00:07:49,125
The only thing they can't
178
00:07:49,176 --> 00:07:50,143
get people to go to is church.
179
00:07:50,227 --> 00:07:53,396
Ugh.
180
00:07:53,463 --> 00:07:55,598
Maw Maw's been
in my magic tricks again.
181
00:08:03,524 --> 00:08:05,992
Hi. I'm Patty.
182
00:08:06,060 --> 00:08:08,778
Welcome to Gamblers Incognito.
183
00:08:08,829 --> 00:08:11,698
We're not affiliated
with that other organization.
184
00:08:11,782 --> 00:08:13,282
They have 12 steps.
185
00:08:13,334 --> 00:08:15,585
We only have one... don't bet!
186
00:08:15,652 --> 00:08:20,206
Like, I said,
I am Patty, and I gamble.
187
00:08:20,290 --> 00:08:21,541
Hi, Patty.
188
00:08:21,625 --> 00:08:22,925
Hi, guys.
189
00:08:22,993 --> 00:08:26,495
I live in Camden County,
but I come to meetings here
190
00:08:26,547 --> 00:08:27,547
because I work in the,
um, service industry...
191
00:08:27,631 --> 00:08:29,132
Oh, my. Oh!
192
00:08:29,183 --> 00:08:30,516
...and I prefer my clients not
know I have questionable morals.
193
00:08:30,601 --> 00:08:32,935
What are the odds
of seeing you two here?
194
00:08:33,003 --> 00:08:35,688
Uh, we try not to phrase things
that way in the meetings.
195
00:08:35,773 --> 00:08:37,974
- She has not gambled for four years.
- Oh, got it.
196
00:08:38,025 --> 00:08:39,559
Three years ago,
Barney bet me
197
00:08:39,643 --> 00:08:41,677
I couldn't fit ten
marshmallows in my mouth.
198
00:08:41,729 --> 00:08:44,063
Two weeks later, we
were selling our blood
199
00:08:44,148 --> 00:08:47,349
for some action
on women's bowling.
200
00:08:47,401 --> 00:08:50,153
Gambling is a
harsh mistress.
201
00:08:50,204 --> 00:08:51,404
I knew you were a gambler.
202
00:08:51,488 --> 00:08:52,855
I could tell
203
00:08:52,906 --> 00:08:54,190
by the quality of meat you buy.
204
00:08:57,911 --> 00:09:00,913
Chicago won, which means
I'm taking back my pogo stick.
205
00:09:00,998 --> 00:09:03,199
And put me down
for 40 on Penn State.
206
00:09:03,250 --> 00:09:05,051
Nope. You're cut off.
207
00:09:05,135 --> 00:09:06,219
You're too hot.
208
00:09:06,303 --> 00:09:08,337
I'm losing too much money.
209
00:09:08,389 --> 00:09:10,890
Now take your pogo stick
and bounce out of here.
210
00:09:10,974 --> 00:09:13,926
Uh, at least let me win enough
to buy the other pogo stick.
211
00:09:14,011 --> 00:09:16,062
I'll look like an idiot
pogo-sticking alone.
212
00:09:16,146 --> 00:09:17,764
Maybe this can help you.
213
00:09:17,848 --> 00:09:20,266
What am I supposed to do
with your grocery receipt?
214
00:09:20,350 --> 00:09:22,902
And what are you doing buying
$200 worth of junk food?
215
00:09:22,986 --> 00:09:24,237
Your wife's
gonna get diabetes, man.
216
00:09:24,321 --> 00:09:25,721
She'll lose her foot, Floyd.
217
00:09:25,773 --> 00:09:28,274
You'll be painting nails
on the nub of a stub with this.
218
00:09:28,358 --> 00:09:29,992
No. Turn it over.
219
00:09:30,060 --> 00:09:31,360
There's an address
on the back.
220
00:09:31,412 --> 00:09:32,495
A place where you can gamble.
221
00:09:32,562 --> 00:09:34,414
Oh. Thanks, buddy.
222
00:09:34,498 --> 00:09:36,332
Good luck with the foot.
223
00:09:39,569 --> 00:09:41,788
Floyd, door!
224
00:09:46,510 --> 00:09:48,761
Hey, you're the guy
that takes bets?
225
00:09:48,846 --> 00:09:50,763
Come on. You a cop?
226
00:09:50,848 --> 00:09:52,298
Let me see your eyes.
227
00:09:52,382 --> 00:09:53,883
How do I know
you're not a cop?
228
00:09:53,934 --> 00:09:54,801
Let me see your eyes.
229
00:09:54,885 --> 00:09:57,303
Okay, count of three.
230
00:09:57,387 --> 00:09:59,388
One, two, three.
231
00:10:00,941 --> 00:10:02,725
How does this prove
neither of us are cops?
232
00:10:02,776 --> 00:10:04,927
I don't know.
It never went this far before.
233
00:10:04,978 --> 00:10:06,312
I guess you're okay.
234
00:10:06,396 --> 00:10:08,481
You're just in time
for the first race.
235
00:10:11,452 --> 00:10:12,985
Dig, Robbie, dig!
236
00:10:13,987 --> 00:10:16,122
Yes! Yes! Oh!
237
00:10:16,206 --> 00:10:18,875
Yes! 20-to-one.
238
00:10:18,942 --> 00:10:20,960
Nothing more beautiful
than a fast fat kid!
239
00:10:22,162 --> 00:10:23,579
Ah, Burt's not going to quit
240
00:10:23,630 --> 00:10:25,298
while he's winning.
241
00:10:25,382 --> 00:10:26,516
Nobody does.
242
00:10:26,583 --> 00:10:28,050
No man's going to quit gambling
243
00:10:28,118 --> 00:10:29,552
unless he hits a cold streak.
244
00:10:29,619 --> 00:10:33,005
Or... and I don't want
to be out of bounds here...
245
00:10:33,090 --> 00:10:35,124
you could hope
he finds a substitute vice.
246
00:10:35,175 --> 00:10:39,345
Which I'd be happy to provide
at a special introductory rate.
247
00:10:39,429 --> 00:10:40,763
I'm a hooker.
248
00:10:40,814 --> 00:10:43,850
Yeah, that's a little
out of bounds.
249
00:10:43,934 --> 00:10:45,184
Just putting it out there.
250
00:10:45,269 --> 00:10:47,904
Some folks have an arrangement.
251
00:10:47,971 --> 00:10:49,822
The good news is,
Burt will start losing.
252
00:10:49,907 --> 00:10:51,607
Or he'll keep winning
253
00:10:51,658 --> 00:10:53,442
and get so rich,
he'll buy a hot,
254
00:10:53,494 --> 00:10:56,496
half-robotic wife who doesn't yap,
yap, yap about his gambling.
255
00:10:56,580 --> 00:10:59,749
Either way, you won't
have a problem for long.
256
00:10:59,816 --> 00:11:03,252
Don't worry, we all hit cold
streaks sooner or later.
257
00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:05,872
Look, I wrote down who
I would have bet on yesterday
258
00:11:05,956 --> 00:11:07,823
just to remind myself
how unlucky I am.
259
00:11:07,875 --> 00:11:10,326
Check it out.
0-for-12.
260
00:11:10,377 --> 00:11:12,595
Every idiot gambler thinks
they have a system.
261
00:11:12,662 --> 00:11:16,015
I think the only real system
would be to wait for us
262
00:11:16,099 --> 00:11:17,884
to make a pick,
then choose the opposite.
263
00:11:17,968 --> 00:11:19,218
You'd make a fortune.
264
00:11:19,303 --> 00:11:23,022
A fortune? Really?
265
00:11:23,106 --> 00:11:24,807
Perfect system.
For instance,
266
00:11:24,858 --> 00:11:25,674
I like Texas tonight.
267
00:11:25,726 --> 00:11:27,176
Me, too.
268
00:11:27,227 --> 00:11:30,646
You bet Oklahoma,
you got yourself free money.
269
00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:35,117
It's a diving catch.
270
00:11:35,185 --> 00:11:37,286
Touchdown!
271
00:11:37,354 --> 00:11:38,487
And Oklahoma wins.
272
00:11:38,539 --> 00:11:40,790
Yes!
273
00:11:40,857 --> 00:11:42,375
Nice pick.
274
00:11:42,459 --> 00:11:43,910
I don't want any money.
275
00:11:43,994 --> 00:11:46,662
I'll take my winnings
in the form of a Porkchester.
276
00:11:49,833 --> 00:11:52,168
You're coming home, buddy.
277
00:11:52,219 --> 00:11:54,470
Don't worry.
278
00:11:54,537 --> 00:11:55,871
I'm coming back
for all of you.
279
00:11:57,507 --> 00:11:59,342
Mama's got a system.
280
00:12:06,635 --> 00:12:07,736
Hey.
281
00:12:07,829 --> 00:12:09,480
Good thing you didn't bet
on that Texas game, huh?
282
00:12:09,498 --> 00:12:10,599
They got killed.
283
00:12:10,666 --> 00:12:12,017
That's right,
284
00:12:12,101 --> 00:12:14,219
and since I didn't make a bet
I would have lost,
285
00:12:14,303 --> 00:12:16,138
I rewarded myself with a new
pair of skinny jeans.
286
00:12:16,189 --> 00:12:18,273
Oh, you really turned
a negative into a positive.
287
00:12:18,340 --> 00:12:20,392
You ever thought about sharing
that with the rest of the group?
288
00:12:20,476 --> 00:12:21,676
Maybe start by asking
289
00:12:21,744 --> 00:12:23,178
who everyone likes in the game
290
00:12:23,229 --> 00:12:24,479
tonight between, uh...
291
00:12:24,530 --> 00:12:26,681
Notre Dame or Ohio Street?
292
00:12:26,732 --> 00:12:27,966
Huh?
293
00:12:33,122 --> 00:12:36,024
Daniel France, AV Club.
294
00:12:36,075 --> 00:12:38,710
You got to have strong legs
to push that TV on a cart,
295
00:12:38,795 --> 00:12:41,196
and you got to be quick
to run from those bullies.
296
00:12:41,247 --> 00:12:42,481
You, sir, are a winner.
297
00:12:45,585 --> 00:12:47,135
You're home early.
298
00:12:47,203 --> 00:12:48,937
I wasn't expecting you
to be home.
299
00:12:49,005 --> 00:12:51,306
I-I was just leaving.
300
00:12:51,374 --> 00:12:52,274
Okay, then.
301
00:13:02,998 --> 00:13:05,951
You'll never guess who's
playing Hillary Clinton.
302
00:13:05,998 --> 00:13:08,850
I'm guessing it's
the baby in the pantsuit.
303
00:13:08,934 --> 00:13:10,351
Yeah, she's the strongest actor.
304
00:13:10,419 --> 00:13:12,239
She's a lot better at keeping
her fingers out of her nose,
305
00:13:12,240 --> 00:13:13,905
and she doesn't change her
expression when she poops.
306
00:13:13,972 --> 00:13:15,823
I heard the same thing
about Renee Zellweger.
307
00:13:15,891 --> 00:13:18,309
Oh, I'm sure that's funny, but
I have no idea who that is.
308
00:13:18,360 --> 00:13:19,594
Who deserves a Popsicle?
309
00:13:19,661 --> 00:13:20,995
- No!
- Aah!
310
00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:22,864
What are you doing? Aah!
311
00:13:24,783 --> 00:13:26,267
Patty.
312
00:13:26,335 --> 00:13:28,652
You were hiding a tiny pig
in your freezer.
313
00:13:30,172 --> 00:13:34,542
You're hiding 20 tiny pigs
in your freezer.
314
00:13:34,610 --> 00:13:37,879
I just didn't want Burt to know
I'd wagered on some games.
315
00:13:37,946 --> 00:13:38,746
Oh, no.
316
00:13:38,814 --> 00:13:39,931
Now you're gambling, too?
317
00:13:39,998 --> 00:13:41,382
What your father does
is gambling.
318
00:13:41,467 --> 00:13:43,284
This is completely different.
319
00:13:43,352 --> 00:13:44,619
Listen to this.
320
00:13:44,686 --> 00:13:46,137
That's it.
321
00:13:46,188 --> 00:13:50,608
Tennessee has won in a blowout
that nobody, nobody saw coming!
322
00:13:50,675 --> 00:13:51,893
I saw it coming.
323
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:53,644
I see them all coming.
324
00:13:53,695 --> 00:13:54,562
Whoa!
325
00:13:54,630 --> 00:13:55,396
So you know who wins games?
326
00:13:55,464 --> 00:13:57,532
Yes. I talk to losers.
327
00:13:57,599 --> 00:14:00,485
So, if eight of them would bet
one way, I just bet the other.
328
00:14:00,536 --> 00:14:02,870
And the Bruins upset
the USC. Trojans!
329
00:14:02,938 --> 00:14:04,872
Who would have seen that
coming?!
330
00:14:04,940 --> 00:14:05,957
Me! Ha!
331
00:14:06,024 --> 00:14:07,375
Whoa.
332
00:14:07,459 --> 00:14:09,110
It's a math-mematical system.
333
00:14:09,178 --> 00:14:11,162
I got to get in on this;
I'm not sure it's a good idea,
334
00:14:11,230 --> 00:14:13,164
but I keep hearing the sound
of a cash register
335
00:14:13,232 --> 00:14:14,665
"ka-chinging" in my head,
so I feel like I have to.
336
00:14:14,733 --> 00:14:16,334
I've got money on a few games
at seven,
337
00:14:16,401 --> 00:14:18,236
but you're never going to
make it down there in time.
338
00:14:18,303 --> 00:14:19,754
But we have to;
I've got $80 in my pocket.
339
00:14:19,822 --> 00:14:21,189
If I don't bet a sure thing,
I'm down $80!
340
00:14:21,256 --> 00:14:22,790
I can't afford to lose
that kind of scratch.
341
00:14:22,858 --> 00:14:23,958
You're right.
342
00:14:24,026 --> 00:14:25,643
I've got $20 in my purse.
343
00:14:25,710 --> 00:14:27,061
Why am I not betting it?
344
00:14:27,146 --> 00:14:28,229
What are you doing?
You cost us money!
345
00:14:28,297 --> 00:14:29,297
There was something called
346
00:14:29,364 --> 00:14:30,698
a parlay that pays six-to-one.
347
00:14:30,766 --> 00:14:32,650
$20 at six-to-one?!
Do you know what that would pay?
348
00:14:32,717 --> 00:14:34,669
No. Well, we'll never know
if we don't get down there!
349
00:14:34,736 --> 00:14:36,320
Damn it, I can't find my keys
and my stupid purse!
350
00:14:36,388 --> 00:14:37,271
I'll drive!
351
00:14:37,356 --> 00:14:38,322
Let's go, let's go, let's go!
352
00:14:39,391 --> 00:14:40,608
No worries.
353
00:14:40,692 --> 00:14:42,677
I'll just stay here
with your daughter.
354
00:14:43,895 --> 00:14:45,813
You may have a gambling gene
355
00:14:45,881 --> 00:14:47,999
you may need to look out for.
356
00:14:48,066 --> 00:14:50,234
Your family is cut off.
357
00:14:50,302 --> 00:14:51,269
What?
358
00:14:51,336 --> 00:14:52,870
Y'all are winning too much.
359
00:14:52,938 --> 00:14:55,339
I didn't get into the bookie
business to lose money.
360
00:14:55,407 --> 00:14:57,200
That's not fair; we
want to place a bet.
361
00:14:57,201 --> 00:15:00,127
Yeah, well, I want to eat chocolate
cake without losing my eyesight,
362
00:15:00,195 --> 00:15:01,796
but that's not going
to happen either.
363
00:15:01,864 --> 00:15:03,865
Now, if you'll excuse me,
364
00:15:03,932 --> 00:15:06,534
I'm going to go get
some chocolate cake.
365
00:15:11,673 --> 00:15:13,841
Why do I need a prescription
for insulin?
366
00:15:13,909 --> 00:15:14,876
Turn it over.
367
00:15:14,943 --> 00:15:16,277
Address on back.
368
00:15:16,345 --> 00:15:18,012
A guy there will take your bets.
369
00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:19,647
Ah.
370
00:15:19,715 --> 00:15:21,532
...three, four...
371
00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:23,034
All right.
372
00:15:23,101 --> 00:15:24,902
What are you guys
doing here?
373
00:15:24,953 --> 00:15:26,571
- What are you doing here?
- I'm not gambling.
374
00:15:26,638 --> 00:15:27,738
I just like to look
at children.
375
00:15:27,789 --> 00:15:29,056
There's no law against that.
376
00:15:29,124 --> 00:15:30,691
Save it, Burt.
We're all gambling.
377
00:15:30,759 --> 00:15:31,893
Now let's make some money.
378
00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:33,678
Finally, something
we can do as a family.
379
00:15:33,745 --> 00:15:34,762
Where's our competition?
380
00:15:34,830 --> 00:15:35,963
Gone. I cleaned them all out.
381
00:15:36,048 --> 00:15:37,381
I'm up $200 and three nickels
382
00:15:37,449 --> 00:15:39,433
and a juice box I found
under the bleachers.
383
00:15:39,501 --> 00:15:40,751
Well, we can't just bet
against each other.
384
00:15:40,802 --> 00:15:41,736
No, no, just our luck.
385
00:15:41,803 --> 00:15:43,004
We finally turn
into winners
386
00:15:43,071 --> 00:15:44,305
and we can't find
any losers around.
387
00:15:44,389 --> 00:15:46,307
We know where
to find some losers.
388
00:15:52,648 --> 00:15:54,498
Hey, you guys want to gamble?
389
00:16:29,551 --> 00:16:31,168
We were back on the ride.
390
00:16:38,510 --> 00:16:39,527
Great job, Maria!
391
00:16:39,611 --> 00:16:40,844
I could kiss you!
392
00:16:42,281 --> 00:16:43,197
But I won't.
393
00:16:43,282 --> 00:16:44,615
Never would.
394
00:16:44,683 --> 00:16:45,950
And it was beautiful.
395
00:16:53,125 --> 00:16:54,709
Go, Jeffrey, go,
Jeffrey, go, Jeffrey, go, go!
396
00:16:54,793 --> 00:16:55,743
Move!
397
00:16:55,827 --> 00:16:57,211
Yes, Jeffrey!
398
00:16:57,296 --> 00:16:58,996
You kicked their asses.
399
00:16:59,047 --> 00:17:01,198
I didn't mean to say "asses."
400
00:17:01,249 --> 00:17:03,751
"Asses" is a no-no word.
401
00:17:03,835 --> 00:17:05,803
'Cause once again
,we couldn't lose.
402
00:17:05,870 --> 00:17:07,672
Hey, kid.
403
00:17:07,723 --> 00:17:10,474
You run like you've got
a dump in your pants.
404
00:17:10,542 --> 00:17:12,760
You should all
call him Dumpy Pants.
405
00:17:16,047 --> 00:17:19,317
And even when all the
scheduledclasses were done,
406
00:17:19,384 --> 00:17:21,102
Dad convinced the gym coachto race all the kids
407
00:17:21,186 --> 00:17:24,905
who had showed up with"get out of gym class" notes.
408
00:17:29,861 --> 00:17:31,445
Yes!
409
00:17:36,451 --> 00:17:37,785
Yes! Two.
410
00:17:41,373 --> 00:17:42,673
Yes!
411
00:17:42,741 --> 00:17:44,709
Three.
412
00:17:51,082 --> 00:17:52,883
Yes! Yes!
413
00:17:52,934 --> 00:17:54,435
None of the above!
414
00:17:54,519 --> 00:17:57,221
None of
the above!
415
00:17:57,272 --> 00:18:01,475
All in all, we made a fortune.
416
00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:02,693
Ah!
417
00:18:02,761 --> 00:18:04,478
Not only am I going to be able
418
00:18:04,563 --> 00:18:06,447
to finish
my Porkchesters collection,
419
00:18:06,531 --> 00:18:09,450
but I'm going to be able to
start my dead al-Qaeda leaders
420
00:18:09,534 --> 00:18:10,934
commemorative plate collection!
421
00:18:10,986 --> 00:18:12,536
Gamblers Incognito
is the greatest thing
422
00:18:12,604 --> 00:18:13,871
that ever happened to this family.
423
00:18:15,290 --> 00:18:16,123
Hello?
424
00:18:16,208 --> 00:18:17,158
Where are you?
425
00:18:17,242 --> 00:18:19,160
You're missing Hope's play.
426
00:18:19,244 --> 00:18:21,212
We're missing Hope's play!
427
00:18:21,279 --> 00:18:22,279
Whoops.
428
00:18:22,330 --> 00:18:23,714
Sweet Adeline,
429
00:18:23,782 --> 00:18:25,583
we're missing Hope's play!
430
00:18:25,634 --> 00:18:26,867
Hey, where you guys going?
431
00:18:26,935 --> 00:18:28,436
It's time for the harness races.
432
00:18:41,546 --> 00:18:42,662
There you are.
433
00:18:42,714 --> 00:18:44,348
You missed a great performance.
434
00:18:44,432 --> 00:18:46,266
Well, except
for Vice President Biden.
435
00:18:46,334 --> 00:18:48,668
He scooted
across the Oval Office
436
00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:50,771
and kind of left his own
Presidential Seal.
437
00:18:50,838 --> 00:18:51,805
We missed it?
438
00:18:51,856 --> 00:18:52,890
Yeah.
439
00:18:52,974 --> 00:18:54,274
Where were you guys?
Gambling?
440
00:18:54,342 --> 00:18:57,311
Damn, I did it again!
441
00:18:57,362 --> 00:18:59,613
And this time I dragged
my whole family into it.
442
00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:00,898
Damn!
443
00:19:00,982 --> 00:19:02,950
I hate theater, politics
and women's lib,
444
00:19:03,017 --> 00:19:06,070
but I still wanted to see Hope dance
around in that little pantsuit.
445
00:19:06,154 --> 00:19:07,955
In that moment, we all learned
446
00:19:08,022 --> 00:19:10,958
that when you get obsessedwith gambling,
447
00:19:11,025 --> 00:19:14,244
you can lose things that aremuch more valuable than money.
448
00:19:14,329 --> 00:19:16,080
Things you can't get back.
449
00:19:16,164 --> 00:19:18,365
Maybe you guys could do
an encore performance.
450
00:19:20,585 --> 00:19:23,203
Uh, I can't make any promises.
451
00:19:23,254 --> 00:19:26,590
I think Bill Clinton's
getting neutered tomorrow.
452
00:19:26,674 --> 00:19:29,209
We knew we had a problem,so the next day,
453
00:19:29,260 --> 00:19:30,877
we all wentto Gamblers Incognito,
454
00:19:30,929 --> 00:19:32,229
which is a little lessincognito
455
00:19:32,313 --> 00:19:34,214
when you gowith your whole family.
456
00:19:34,265 --> 00:19:36,767
And that's when I looked
at this little lady
457
00:19:36,851 --> 00:19:41,321
and said to myself,
"Who's the real pig here?"
458
00:19:43,024 --> 00:19:44,775
And after we begged her to,
459
00:19:44,859 --> 00:19:46,410
Shelley made a lot of calls
460
00:19:46,494 --> 00:19:48,278
and got the castto redo the show for us.
461
00:19:56,921 --> 00:19:58,539
Hillary
462
00:19:58,590 --> 00:20:01,592
I'm talkin' about Hillary
463
00:20:01,676 --> 00:20:05,429
Never run of the mill-ary
464
00:20:05,513 --> 00:20:08,348
She taught us to stand
465
00:20:10,251 --> 00:20:13,470
Fixed the economy,
so we're all rich
466
00:20:13,555 --> 00:20:16,106
You made Kim Jong-il
your bitch
467
00:20:16,191 --> 00:20:20,027
You took Afghanistan and made
it more like Disneyland
468
00:20:20,094 --> 00:20:28,702
It's Hillary Rodham Clinton
469
00:20:28,769 --> 00:20:31,021
"Bill" who?!
470
00:20:37,412 --> 00:20:41,448
Are you related to the
girl that played Hillary?
471
00:20:41,499 --> 00:20:42,949
That was my granddaughter.
472
00:20:43,001 --> 00:20:44,968
Which one's yours?
473
00:20:45,053 --> 00:20:46,970
- My Butchie played Bill Clinton.
- Oh!
474
00:20:47,055 --> 00:20:48,455
I haven't been this
proud of him
475
00:20:48,506 --> 00:20:50,307
since he stopped barking
at minorities.
476
00:20:50,391 --> 00:20:53,227
Well, he's quite the hound.
477
00:20:53,294 --> 00:20:55,312
How did this compare
with yesterday's show?
478
00:20:55,396 --> 00:20:56,647
There was no show yesterday.
479
00:20:56,731 --> 00:20:58,632
Ooh, Butchie!
480
00:20:58,683 --> 00:21:01,318
Yes, you're mama's special guy.
481
00:21:01,402 --> 00:21:03,136
Hey.
482
00:21:03,188 --> 00:21:04,471
We didn't really miss that play.
483
00:21:04,522 --> 00:21:06,740
You lied to us
so we would stop gambling.
484
00:21:06,807 --> 00:21:07,741
You tricked us!
485
00:21:07,808 --> 00:21:09,459
Just like you tricked Burt.
486
00:21:17,619 --> 00:21:18,752
Thank you.
487
00:21:20,205 --> 00:21:22,089
You know, I was wondering
how you got people
488
00:21:22,156 --> 00:21:23,823
to sit through that awful play
twice.
489
00:21:23,875 --> 00:21:26,126
Butchie, no!
490
00:21:26,177 --> 00:21:28,929
This is private behavior.
491
00:21:28,996 --> 00:21:33,000
That dog playing Bill Clinton
doesn't know the show's over.
492
00:21:33,067 --> 00:21:35,018
Oh, that's going
to leave a stain.
493
00:21:35,503 --> 00:21:40,503
Sync and corrected by dr.jackson
for www.addic7ed.com
35633
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