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1
00:00:01,571 --> 00:00:04,238
(clock ticking)
2
00:00:22,000 --> 00:00:24,451
- Anybody have a charger?
3
00:00:24,451 --> 00:00:27,868
(bright orchestra music)
4
00:00:55,434 --> 00:00:57,201
- Does anybody wanna share?
5
00:00:57,201 --> 00:00:59,867
- No, I don't feel like sharing.
6
00:00:59,867 --> 00:01:02,723
I just need my phone to turn on.
7
00:01:02,723 --> 00:01:05,973
- People are such slaves to technology.
8
00:01:09,145 --> 00:01:13,201
- I get up every day at 6:00
am, I catch the bus at 7:00 am,
9
00:01:13,201 --> 00:01:16,732
I take the train at 8:00
am, I'm at work from 9:00 am
10
00:01:16,732 --> 00:01:19,532
to 5:00 pm and then I'm here.
11
00:01:19,532 --> 00:01:22,301
I do the same thing every single day.
12
00:01:22,301 --> 00:01:23,134
Why?
13
00:01:23,134 --> 00:01:25,384
Because I like consistency.
14
00:01:26,716 --> 00:01:28,534
You know the day in Back to the Future,
15
00:01:28,534 --> 00:01:30,604
well it's already happened.
16
00:01:30,604 --> 00:01:33,075
And this, this, this is it!
17
00:01:33,075 --> 00:01:35,425
But instead of floatin'
around on hoverboards
18
00:01:35,425 --> 00:01:39,044
with M.J. Fox, I get to
share my thoughts to people
19
00:01:39,044 --> 00:01:42,694
who don't care about me in 140 characters.
20
00:01:42,694 --> 00:01:44,084
- You wanna talk about it?
21
00:01:44,084 --> 00:01:46,964
- No, I don't wanna talk about it.
22
00:01:46,964 --> 00:01:48,534
I'm tired of talking.
23
00:01:48,534 --> 00:01:50,745
My brain is fried!
24
00:01:50,745 --> 00:01:53,476
You know, keepin' up
with friends and family,
25
00:01:53,476 --> 00:01:56,356
they're not meant to be
connected all of the time.
26
00:01:56,356 --> 00:01:59,002
There are people who are
supposed to just (blows out air)
27
00:01:59,002 --> 00:02:00,414
pass through your life.
28
00:02:00,414 --> 00:02:03,974
But with social media,
you cannot escape them!
29
00:02:03,974 --> 00:02:07,196
For example, Athena, a girl
that I had a mild crush
30
00:02:07,196 --> 00:02:09,774
on in middle school,
guess what I have to do?
31
00:02:09,774 --> 00:02:13,334
I have to look at her three fat children
32
00:02:13,334 --> 00:02:15,494
every single day on Facebook.
33
00:02:15,494 --> 00:02:17,236
Social evolution people,
34
00:02:17,236 --> 00:02:20,583
it's supposed to keep
us separate from it all!
35
00:02:20,583 --> 00:02:21,692
- Then stop.
36
00:02:21,692 --> 00:02:23,076
- They can't help it!
37
00:02:23,076 --> 00:02:25,367
I log into my email,
bing, (electronic beeping)
38
00:02:25,367 --> 00:02:26,551
I get a notification.
39
00:02:26,551 --> 00:02:29,071
They've got an algorithm
that targets everything
40
00:02:29,071 --> 00:02:33,237
else that I might be
remotely interested in.
41
00:02:33,237 --> 00:02:36,959
I don't care what Kendall or
Kourtney are wearing today.
42
00:02:36,959 --> 00:02:38,769
But I can't help clickin' on it.
43
00:02:38,769 --> 00:02:41,769
I have so many fuckin' tabs
open, I just can't stop!
44
00:02:41,769 --> 00:02:43,949
I am so far down the rabbit hole now,
45
00:02:43,949 --> 00:02:45,990
I'm readin' weird news articles
46
00:02:45,990 --> 00:02:48,490
about the bikini clown bandit!
47
00:02:51,380 --> 00:02:52,668
- So?
48
00:02:52,668 --> 00:02:54,740
- Last night I was clickin'
on these tabs on my phone.
49
00:02:54,740 --> 00:02:56,041
My finger, it's just (whistles)
50
00:02:56,041 --> 00:02:57,210
I have no control of it!
51
00:02:57,210 --> 00:03:01,210
I thought I put my phone in
the charger, but I didn't.
52
00:03:01,210 --> 00:03:03,389
So my phone died and then I woke up late.
53
00:03:03,389 --> 00:03:06,088
(intense drumming music)
54
00:03:06,088 --> 00:03:08,669
I don't have time to charge
it, I run out the door.
55
00:03:08,669 --> 00:03:12,086
(intense drumming music)
56
00:03:20,277 --> 00:03:23,736
I missed my bus, and
you know who drives by?
57
00:03:23,736 --> 00:03:25,569
My asshole supervisor!
58
00:03:26,544 --> 00:03:29,961
So now, I gotta run to the train station.
59
00:03:31,205 --> 00:03:33,155
I don't know how to get there, why?
60
00:03:33,155 --> 00:03:36,016
Because I rely on my GPS.
61
00:03:36,016 --> 00:03:39,485
So now I'm runnin' down
some really seedy alley,
62
00:03:39,485 --> 00:03:42,496
kinda like the space where
Bruce Wayne's parents
63
00:03:42,496 --> 00:03:43,395
got whacked!
64
00:03:43,395 --> 00:03:47,204
Top it off, I missed my
breakfast, so I'm starvin'!
65
00:03:47,204 --> 00:03:51,371
And suddenly, suddenly I
see, and I am not kidding,
66
00:03:52,766 --> 00:03:56,677
there's a fuckin' hot
dog starin' right at me.
67
00:03:56,677 --> 00:03:58,717
So I stop, dead in my tracks!
68
00:03:58,717 --> 00:04:02,300
(dramatic classical music)
69
00:04:16,457 --> 00:04:17,786
(tires squealing)
70
00:04:17,786 --> 00:04:19,631
But then the bikini clown
bandits were in the middle
71
00:04:19,631 --> 00:04:21,761
of some warehouse heist.
72
00:04:21,761 --> 00:04:25,344
(dramatic classical music)
73
00:04:33,468 --> 00:04:34,839
And I got in the middle of it.
74
00:04:34,839 --> 00:04:36,010
(guns clicking)
75
00:04:36,010 --> 00:04:38,125
So what do they do?
(tires squealing)
76
00:04:38,125 --> 00:04:39,478
(guns firing)
77
00:04:39,478 --> 00:04:41,838
They take my wallet
78
00:04:41,838 --> 00:04:43,814
and then they do...
79
00:04:43,814 --> 00:04:46,935
(clowns giggling)
80
00:04:46,935 --> 00:04:48,220
They do a series--
81
00:04:48,220 --> 00:04:49,053
(grunting)
82
00:04:49,053 --> 00:04:49,886
(clowns giggling)
83
00:04:49,886 --> 00:04:52,020
(fabric ripping)
84
00:04:52,020 --> 00:04:54,308
(clowns hollering)
85
00:04:54,308 --> 00:04:56,641
Of unspeakable things to me.
86
00:04:58,049 --> 00:05:00,749
And the last words they said...
87
00:05:00,749 --> 00:05:02,916
- No one will believe you!
88
00:05:03,829 --> 00:05:06,038
(cackling)
89
00:05:06,038 --> 00:05:07,158
- What the fuck?
90
00:05:07,158 --> 00:05:08,510
- You're full of shit!
91
00:05:08,510 --> 00:05:10,849
- And why would I make any of this up?
92
00:05:10,849 --> 00:05:12,196
- It is a bit far-fetched, Ted.
93
00:05:12,196 --> 00:05:13,758
- You couldn't write this stuff!
94
00:05:13,758 --> 00:05:15,070
Now I get to work.
95
00:05:15,070 --> 00:05:16,380
Everyone's laughin' at me.
96
00:05:16,380 --> 00:05:18,156
Ha, ha, ha, we're all laughin' at Ted,
97
00:05:18,156 --> 00:05:19,230
having a good time.
98
00:05:19,230 --> 00:05:21,727
My supervisor comes up to me and says,
99
00:05:21,727 --> 00:05:25,449
"You were late today,
don't let it happen again!"
100
00:05:25,449 --> 00:05:28,870
(phones ringing)
101
00:05:28,870 --> 00:05:31,620
(crowd laughing)
102
00:05:39,678 --> 00:05:41,348
This was it.
103
00:05:41,348 --> 00:05:43,837
This was the last straw for Ted.
104
00:05:43,837 --> 00:05:46,615
(serene classical music)
105
00:05:46,615 --> 00:05:50,668
So I wait and I watch and
I watched and I waited.
106
00:05:50,668 --> 00:05:52,737
I wait and I watch, I watch and I wait.
107
00:05:52,737 --> 00:05:54,215
I wait and I watch.
108
00:05:54,215 --> 00:05:56,916
And as soon as my supervisor steps out,
109
00:05:56,916 --> 00:06:01,388
I walk up to his desk
and I fuckin' lost it!
110
00:06:01,388 --> 00:06:03,638
I started with one drawing.
111
00:06:04,844 --> 00:06:07,926
I just wanted to draw
one innocent little penis
112
00:06:07,926 --> 00:06:09,908
on his precious reports.
113
00:06:09,908 --> 00:06:13,140
(serene classical music)
114
00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:16,140
But then it turned into two penises.
115
00:06:18,966 --> 00:06:21,356
Now the penis train has left the station!
116
00:06:21,356 --> 00:06:22,554
Choo choo!
117
00:06:22,554 --> 00:06:26,305
And suddenly, I'm like Michael
frickin' Angelo over there.
118
00:06:26,305 --> 00:06:28,732
And I'm drawin' big
penises, small penises,
119
00:06:28,732 --> 00:06:31,294
black penises, white
penises, yellow penises,
120
00:06:31,294 --> 00:06:34,174
biracial penises,
circumcised, uncircumcised,
121
00:06:34,174 --> 00:06:36,484
testicles, like elephantitis!
122
00:06:36,484 --> 00:06:39,014
Every different kind of
dick you could imagine!
123
00:06:39,014 --> 00:06:42,913
Every dick has a home, straight,
hooked, it doesn't matter!
124
00:06:42,913 --> 00:06:44,670
I'm drawin' dicks!
125
00:06:44,670 --> 00:06:47,007
(serene classical music)
126
00:06:47,007 --> 00:06:48,660
And then,
127
00:06:48,660 --> 00:06:50,160
and then I saw it.
128
00:06:52,030 --> 00:06:53,947
Like Frodo to the ring,
129
00:06:55,029 --> 00:06:56,372
I saw it.
130
00:06:56,372 --> 00:06:58,539
(opera music)
131
00:06:58,539 --> 00:07:01,981
(distant whispering)
132
00:07:01,981 --> 00:07:03,643
- I don't believe any of this!
133
00:07:03,643 --> 00:07:04,813
- Believe it sister!
134
00:07:04,813 --> 00:07:06,803
Because I couldn't help myself!
135
00:07:06,803 --> 00:07:08,801
So at that afternoon team meeting,
136
00:07:08,801 --> 00:07:11,968
(intense opera music)
137
00:07:24,693 --> 00:07:28,526
When he starts up his
PowerPoint presentation,
138
00:07:31,387 --> 00:07:32,304
guess what?
139
00:07:34,507 --> 00:07:36,340
He presses the button,
140
00:07:37,627 --> 00:07:39,787
and it's dicks galore!
141
00:07:39,787 --> 00:07:41,509
Showers, not throwers!
142
00:07:41,509 --> 00:07:43,672
A visual essay on dicks!
143
00:07:43,672 --> 00:07:46,269
All over his precious presentation!
144
00:07:46,269 --> 00:07:47,749
There's dicks here, dicks there.
145
00:07:47,749 --> 00:07:49,258
I can't find a dick anywhere,
146
00:07:49,258 --> 00:07:51,766
because they're all over my face, dicks!
147
00:07:51,766 --> 00:07:55,318
Rain in forecast, dicks,
penis, cock, schlong,
148
00:07:55,318 --> 00:07:58,793
shaft, the Mona Lisa in
dicks, there is no taint,
149
00:07:58,793 --> 00:08:01,003
there is only cock and balls!
150
00:08:01,003 --> 00:08:03,550
There is a dick hurricane happenin'
151
00:08:03,550 --> 00:08:06,062
and it's all because of Ted!
152
00:08:06,062 --> 00:08:09,229
(intense opera music)
153
00:08:25,445 --> 00:08:28,099
But after all that,
you know what happened?
154
00:08:28,099 --> 00:08:31,389
After all the shock, all
these tech executives,
155
00:08:31,389 --> 00:08:35,411
they praised my boss, they
called it an awesome shock
156
00:08:35,411 --> 00:08:38,371
to the system that
illustrates the pointlessness
157
00:08:38,371 --> 00:08:39,371
of meetings.
158
00:08:45,868 --> 00:08:48,229
And what do they do?
159
00:08:48,229 --> 00:08:50,312
They promoted the fucker!
160
00:08:53,469 --> 00:08:55,560
- And how do you feel about it, Ted?
161
00:08:55,560 --> 00:08:58,227
(clock ticking)
162
00:09:01,851 --> 00:09:05,453
- Like i said, I don't
wanna talk about it.
163
00:09:05,453 --> 00:09:08,620
(intense opera music)
11583
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