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1
00:00:01,549 --> 00:00:02,845
- So I'm in the room,
2
00:00:02,845 --> 00:00:06,178
and the only thing that I could say was,
3
00:00:07,479 --> 00:00:08,312
I wasn't me.
4
00:00:08,312 --> 00:00:10,396
- But was it you?
5
00:00:10,396 --> 00:00:11,900
- I don't know.
6
00:00:11,900 --> 00:00:13,325
- Don't lie to me.
7
00:00:13,325 --> 00:00:16,101
- Oh, come on T-bag, I can't do this, man.
8
00:00:16,101 --> 00:00:17,481
- Was it you?
9
00:00:17,481 --> 00:00:20,314
Were you the one who truly farted?
10
00:00:21,187 --> 00:00:22,195
- Yes.
11
00:00:22,195 --> 00:00:23,028
Yes I was.
12
00:00:24,200 --> 00:00:26,536
I was the one who truly farted.
13
00:00:26,536 --> 00:00:27,640
Okay.
14
00:00:27,640 --> 00:00:29,890
- Doesn't that feel better?
15
00:00:31,234 --> 00:00:33,671
- It kinda, it kinda does.
16
00:00:33,671 --> 00:00:35,751
I'd like to thank the group for lettin' me
17
00:00:35,751 --> 00:00:37,215
clear the air with that.
18
00:00:37,215 --> 00:00:39,465
(laughing)
19
00:00:40,963 --> 00:00:42,639
- Oh, I'm sorry.
20
00:00:42,639 --> 00:00:45,222
(bright music)
21
00:01:09,993 --> 00:01:12,796
- Lady, what's your problem?
22
00:01:12,796 --> 00:01:16,768
- Oh, no, no no, I didn't
mean anything by it.
23
00:01:16,768 --> 00:01:19,965
I mean, it's just, come on, right?
24
00:01:19,965 --> 00:01:21,095
(laughing)
25
00:01:21,095 --> 00:01:22,759
- Come on, what?
26
00:01:22,759 --> 00:01:26,102
I wish I could be as
anal-retentive as you,
27
00:01:26,102 --> 00:01:29,306
that I never pass gas in my entire life
28
00:01:29,306 --> 00:01:30,894
and blame somebody else.
29
00:01:30,894 --> 00:01:35,061
But no, me, Ted, he suffers
from severe bowel issues, okay?
30
00:01:36,813 --> 00:01:38,778
- Hey, hey, hey, Ted.
31
00:01:38,778 --> 00:01:39,693
Teddy Bear.
32
00:01:39,693 --> 00:01:41,734
What do we say?
33
00:01:41,734 --> 00:01:43,067
Circle of trust.
34
00:01:45,616 --> 00:01:46,994
- Alright.
35
00:01:46,994 --> 00:01:49,077
My apologies, young lady.
36
00:01:51,665 --> 00:01:55,082
- Alright, hey great, do you wanna share?
37
00:01:56,465 --> 00:01:57,298
- Oh, me?
38
00:01:58,336 --> 00:01:59,342
No, no, no, no.
39
00:01:59,342 --> 00:02:00,844
I just came to observe.
40
00:02:00,844 --> 00:02:04,635
I actually came with
Harmony, my yoga instructor.
41
00:02:04,635 --> 00:02:06,015
Namaste.
42
00:02:06,015 --> 00:02:08,726
She told me about your little gatherings.
43
00:02:08,726 --> 00:02:10,265
So I thought I'd come and be
44
00:02:10,265 --> 00:02:12,690
part of the community and listen.
45
00:02:12,690 --> 00:02:15,479
- Honey, underneath
all your fancy-schmancy
46
00:02:15,479 --> 00:02:18,773
prim proper princess of
the homecoming facade.
47
00:02:18,773 --> 00:02:21,570
With this I'm a fly on the wall bull,
48
00:02:21,570 --> 00:02:25,122
lies probably the
wickedest douche bagette.
49
00:02:25,122 --> 00:02:26,539
- Oh, okay, yeah.
50
00:02:28,355 --> 00:02:30,454
Um, I'm not one of you.
51
00:02:30,454 --> 00:02:32,537
I'm not a douche bagette.
52
00:02:33,624 --> 00:02:35,997
- You ain't mother fuckin' Theresa.
53
00:02:35,997 --> 00:02:38,833
You're not a noble prize
peace marchin' bitch.
54
00:02:38,833 --> 00:02:40,882
You're a stone cold
douche I ever seen one.
55
00:02:40,882 --> 00:02:42,673
- Oh. Okay, yeah.
56
00:02:42,673 --> 00:02:43,547
Here's something.
57
00:02:43,547 --> 00:02:44,892
I don't know what you mean.
58
00:02:44,892 --> 00:02:46,385
- Ugh.
59
00:02:46,385 --> 00:02:47,218
Share.
60
00:02:48,221 --> 00:02:49,846
Or don't.
61
00:02:49,846 --> 00:02:50,679
Or die.
62
00:02:51,599 --> 00:02:53,229
Do something.
63
00:02:53,229 --> 00:02:55,646
- Hey, everybody has a story.
64
00:02:56,683 --> 00:02:59,766
There's no judgment here, sweetheart.
65
00:03:01,895 --> 00:03:03,734
- Well, okay.
66
00:03:03,734 --> 00:03:05,449
If you wish.
67
00:03:05,449 --> 00:03:08,823
Guys my life is embarrassing normal
68
00:03:08,823 --> 00:03:11,410
I am the happily married mother of 3.
69
00:03:11,410 --> 00:03:12,827
- Jesus Christ, just tell us about your
70
00:03:12,827 --> 00:03:14,500
mother fuckin' fairy tale day.
71
00:03:14,500 --> 00:03:17,663
- Well, no, it's just like any other day.
72
00:03:17,663 --> 00:03:18,921
As a mom.
73
00:03:18,921 --> 00:03:19,754
(alarm sounding)
74
00:03:19,754 --> 00:03:21,455
I was gonna be busy all day.
75
00:03:21,455 --> 00:03:23,402
(rock music)
76
00:03:23,402 --> 00:03:25,257
(water running)
77
00:03:25,257 --> 00:03:28,926
I have a special routine
to make my day start right.
78
00:03:28,926 --> 00:03:30,515
You got this.
79
00:03:30,515 --> 00:03:33,182
I make my special protein blend.
80
00:03:37,431 --> 00:03:38,489
(children fighting)
81
00:03:38,489 --> 00:03:39,322
- Get out!
82
00:03:39,322 --> 00:03:40,239
Go! Go! Go!
83
00:03:41,987 --> 00:03:43,875
Once my protein kicks in, I'm really
84
00:03:43,875 --> 00:03:46,283
starting my day the right way.
85
00:03:46,283 --> 00:03:48,033
Christian! Thank you!
86
00:03:49,450 --> 00:03:50,326
Ugh!
87
00:03:50,326 --> 00:03:51,800
(door slams)
88
00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:52,923
- You always make me,
89
00:03:52,923 --> 00:03:54,215
- I don't wanna hear it.
90
00:03:54,215 --> 00:03:55,465
Get in the car.
91
00:03:56,540 --> 00:03:57,872
You're still a child.
92
00:03:57,872 --> 00:04:02,258
I'm your mother and
I'm trying to help you.
93
00:04:02,258 --> 00:04:04,296
- What if I don't need your help?
94
00:04:04,296 --> 00:04:06,506
- Then I gotta drop everyone at 7:45am
95
00:04:06,506 --> 00:04:08,597
and be back at 2:15pm.
96
00:04:08,597 --> 00:04:10,304
(tires screeching)
97
00:04:10,304 --> 00:04:12,887
(bell ringing)
98
00:04:15,147 --> 00:04:18,374
Now, I have five hours to dry cleaners,
99
00:04:18,374 --> 00:04:19,207
hit the gym,
100
00:04:19,207 --> 00:04:20,548
hit the pharmacy,
101
00:04:20,548 --> 00:04:23,733
fill in for doubles tennis with Marsha,
102
00:04:23,733 --> 00:04:27,200
and take Nancy to her
birthday with the girls.
103
00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:29,492
And get to Vin yoga for a little me time,
104
00:04:29,492 --> 00:04:32,996
which is all I wanted to
do in the first place.
105
00:04:32,996 --> 00:04:34,206
(clicking)
106
00:04:34,206 --> 00:04:35,996
Now I need my special power-up.
107
00:04:35,996 --> 00:04:38,413
(rock music)
108
00:04:41,086 --> 00:04:42,920
Then, they're all out of zinfandel.
109
00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:46,590
So the waiter says, We only
have cabernet sauvignon.
110
00:04:46,590 --> 00:04:49,605
(laughing)
111
00:04:49,605 --> 00:04:50,721
(bell ringing)
112
00:04:50,721 --> 00:04:51,719
(tires screeching)
113
00:04:51,719 --> 00:04:53,305
- I don't know why you always
have to get into my life.
114
00:04:53,305 --> 00:04:54,637
My life is not your life.
115
00:04:54,637 --> 00:04:55,720
It's my life.
116
00:04:56,616 --> 00:04:59,061
- Your life is my life.
117
00:04:59,061 --> 00:05:01,687
Until you're out of the house.
118
00:05:01,687 --> 00:05:04,528
Now, I'm late, missing my
yoga because now I have to
119
00:05:04,528 --> 00:05:05,775
drop off the kids at ballet,
120
00:05:05,775 --> 00:05:09,115
swim and soccer practice all over town.
121
00:05:09,115 --> 00:05:11,506
Top it off, I'm not sure if
a helicopter's following me,
122
00:05:11,506 --> 00:05:15,673
or if its the Xanex not
mixing well with the cab sauv.
123
00:05:20,999 --> 00:05:24,084
All the while, the last
restorative yoga class
124
00:05:24,084 --> 00:05:27,092
with Harmony is about
to start in two minutes.
125
00:05:27,092 --> 00:05:29,216
They have a five minute courtesy policy,
126
00:05:29,216 --> 00:05:32,221
so this is the last class
that I'm going to make it to
127
00:05:32,221 --> 00:05:34,303
to pick up my kids on time.
128
00:05:34,303 --> 00:05:38,847
But then, this woman has the
gaul to say that I hit her car.
129
00:05:38,847 --> 00:05:41,232
Then, she threatens to call the police.
130
00:05:41,232 --> 00:05:45,480
And I realize I've just lost
my window to the last class.
131
00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:49,397
And I really, really
needed to take this class.
132
00:05:50,857 --> 00:05:53,161
This is it for me.
133
00:05:53,161 --> 00:05:55,078
I deserve some me time.
134
00:05:57,701 --> 00:06:00,836
By now, I'm supposed to
be in happy baby pose.
135
00:06:00,836 --> 00:06:03,830
But now, I'm looking at this woman.
136
00:06:03,830 --> 00:06:07,673
This bitch and her
outdated ass cell phone.
137
00:06:07,673 --> 00:06:08,923
And I just ugh.
138
00:06:11,090 --> 00:06:14,840
This woman took away my
only moment of peace.
139
00:06:16,972 --> 00:06:20,387
And then she's like, Well, you're a bitch.
140
00:06:20,387 --> 00:06:22,309
Oh no, no, no, no, no.
141
00:06:22,309 --> 00:06:24,226
You are a bitch, bitch.
142
00:06:25,315 --> 00:06:27,399
She's like, Excuse me?
143
00:06:27,399 --> 00:06:29,779
And I'm like, Oh, no, no, no.
144
00:06:29,779 --> 00:06:30,612
No, no.
145
00:06:30,612 --> 00:06:34,366
I'm not sure if it was my middle
school years bumpin' Tupac,
146
00:06:34,366 --> 00:06:37,621
but I'm like, oh no, excuse yourself you
147
00:06:37,621 --> 00:06:39,624
mother fuckin' cuntasaurus.
148
00:06:39,624 --> 00:06:41,115
You wanna squab?
149
00:06:41,115 --> 00:06:42,995
You wanna get gangsta?
150
00:06:42,995 --> 00:06:44,872
You breathe a word of this to anyone
151
00:06:44,872 --> 00:06:48,846
and I will skull fuck your
entire family to the ground.
152
00:06:48,846 --> 00:06:51,044
I know where you live, bitch.
153
00:06:51,044 --> 00:06:52,840
I know where you live.
154
00:06:52,840 --> 00:06:54,666
And I am loca, punta.
155
00:06:54,666 --> 00:06:57,721
So, if I was a gamblin' woman,
156
00:06:57,721 --> 00:07:00,541
I wouldn't roll the dice on this one.
157
00:07:00,541 --> 00:07:03,850
Otherwise, maybe a random
assailant will come
158
00:07:03,850 --> 00:07:06,821
and deliver a much deserved ass beating.
159
00:07:06,821 --> 00:07:07,654
(bat cracking)
160
00:07:07,654 --> 00:07:09,987
(screaming)
161
00:07:11,530 --> 00:07:13,414
Or maybe your car blows up.
162
00:07:13,414 --> 00:07:15,905
(laughing)
163
00:07:15,905 --> 00:07:17,988
Or your house burns down.
164
00:07:19,465 --> 00:07:23,048
Or maybe you just end
up mixin' your pills.
165
00:07:29,789 --> 00:07:30,633
(screams)
166
00:07:30,633 --> 00:07:32,629
So why don't you and
Johnny Law handle this,
167
00:07:32,629 --> 00:07:35,131
'cause I will burn you and all your world
168
00:07:35,131 --> 00:07:37,048
to the mother fuckin' ground.
169
00:07:37,048 --> 00:07:38,556
Your mother
170
00:07:38,556 --> 00:07:40,095
Fuckin ground!
171
00:07:40,095 --> 00:07:41,735
To the mother
172
00:07:41,735 --> 00:07:43,266
Fuckin' ground.
173
00:07:43,266 --> 00:07:44,973
To the mother
174
00:07:44,973 --> 00:07:46,223
fuckin' ground!
175
00:07:52,902 --> 00:07:53,735
- Yeah.
176
00:08:02,071 --> 00:08:03,571
- Tell us another.
177
00:08:05,244 --> 00:08:06,161
- You know,
178
00:08:07,416 --> 00:08:09,704
I just wanted a little me time.
179
00:08:09,704 --> 00:08:13,001
It's when people have to get in my way,
180
00:08:13,001 --> 00:08:15,259
I have to mow 'em down.
181
00:08:15,259 --> 00:08:16,394
(laughing)
182
00:08:16,394 --> 00:08:17,799
- I like her.
183
00:08:17,799 --> 00:08:19,800
She's the real deal.
184
00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:22,217
- Laura, everyone's a douche.
185
00:08:24,014 --> 00:08:26,347
Whether they know it or not.
186
00:08:27,271 --> 00:08:28,934
- No.
187
00:08:28,934 --> 00:08:30,017
No.
188
00:08:30,017 --> 00:08:32,517
Like I said, I'm not a douche.
189
00:08:33,570 --> 00:08:37,737
- What you just did right
there, that was pure douche.
190
00:08:39,157 --> 00:08:39,990
- Yup.
191
00:08:40,868 --> 00:08:41,701
- Laura.
192
00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:45,533
You're a douche.
193
00:08:47,162 --> 00:08:49,745
- Hey, you're not longer Laura.
194
00:08:51,581 --> 00:08:52,709
- Nope.
195
00:08:52,709 --> 00:08:54,590
- You're one of us now.
196
00:08:54,590 --> 00:08:55,423
- Yeah.
197
00:08:57,253 --> 00:08:58,336
- I dub thee,
198
00:09:00,135 --> 00:09:00,968
L Train.
199
00:09:02,929 --> 00:09:03,762
- L Train.
200
00:09:04,970 --> 00:09:06,225
- L Train.
201
00:09:06,225 --> 00:09:07,766
- L Train.
202
00:09:07,766 --> 00:09:09,062
L Train
203
00:09:09,062 --> 00:09:10,595
- L Train.
204
00:09:10,595 --> 00:09:11,888
- L Train.
205
00:09:11,888 --> 00:09:13,023
- L Train
206
00:09:13,023 --> 00:09:13,856
- L Train
207
00:09:15,497 --> 00:09:17,747
(chanting)
208
00:09:23,222 --> 00:09:24,222
- Oh my God.
209
00:09:25,486 --> 00:09:26,569
I'm a douche.
210
00:09:27,911 --> 00:09:29,331
I'm a douche.
211
00:09:29,331 --> 00:09:30,414
I'm a douche.
212
00:09:31,292 --> 00:09:33,081
I'm a douche.
213
00:09:33,081 --> 00:09:33,914
I'm a douche.
214
00:09:33,914 --> 00:09:35,364
I'm a douche.
215
00:09:35,364 --> 00:09:36,447
I'm a douche.
216
00:09:37,716 --> 00:09:38,549
Thank you.
217
00:09:38,549 --> 00:09:39,382
Thank you.
218
00:09:39,382 --> 00:09:40,429
Thank you.
219
00:09:40,429 --> 00:09:41,506
I love you.
220
00:09:41,506 --> 00:09:42,339
I love you.
221
00:09:42,339 --> 00:09:43,272
I love you all.
222
00:09:43,272 --> 00:09:45,008
I'm such a douche.
223
00:09:45,008 --> 00:09:45,841
Yes.
224
00:09:49,254 --> 00:09:51,837
(bright music)
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