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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:08,509 --> 00:00:10,411 - Uh, it's hard to say. 2 00:00:12,780 --> 00:00:14,348 Take it day by day. 3 00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:20,521 I've been clean for the last three months. 4 00:00:21,489 --> 00:00:23,991 I was at the liquor store, and 5 00:00:25,893 --> 00:00:29,663 I saw this couple standing by the beers. 6 00:00:29,663 --> 00:00:32,266 That temptation's always there. 7 00:00:33,434 --> 00:00:36,837 Sometimes I can fight, other times I can't. 8 00:00:38,972 --> 00:00:41,075 I just wanted to be like, 9 00:00:43,611 --> 00:00:46,347 Hey yo, Abercrombie, if you don't want her, 10 00:00:46,347 --> 00:00:48,282 let Teabag take a drop! 11 00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:50,584 - Yo, bro! 12 00:00:53,321 --> 00:00:56,390 You forgot protocol. - Oh yeah, right. 13 00:00:59,827 --> 00:01:03,931 Yo, my name's Tony, AKA Teabag, AKA Tenacious Pecs, 14 00:01:07,801 --> 00:01:11,805 AKA Tenacious Dick, AKA Tea-esticular Fortitude, 15 00:01:13,174 --> 00:01:16,910 AKA Teatime at 6 a.m., AKA Teasy Peasy, AKA Teasy Does It, 16 00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:23,551 AKA Tea-burculosis, AKA I Teabone Your Chick 17 00:01:23,551 --> 00:01:27,155 It Was Dark I'm Sorry, AKA T800, AKA T1000, 18 00:01:28,389 --> 00:01:31,125 AKA Terminator Genesis I Haven't Seen It Yet 19 00:01:31,125 --> 00:01:35,296 So Don't Ruin It For Me, AKA ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRST UV XYZ, 20 00:01:39,233 --> 00:01:41,735 umm, and I guess I'm a douche. 21 00:01:41,735 --> 00:01:44,738 (uptempo 60s music) 22 00:02:01,088 --> 00:02:03,591 (opera music) 23 00:02:09,597 --> 00:02:13,434 So, here I am, this chick, she comes walking in, 24 00:02:13,434 --> 00:02:16,036 just asking for it, right? 25 00:02:16,036 --> 00:02:19,340 She's with this dude who obviously hits the library 26 00:02:19,340 --> 00:02:23,043 more than the gym, if you know what I'm saying. 27 00:02:23,043 --> 00:02:26,247 (opera music) So, I approach him, 28 00:02:26,247 --> 00:02:29,517 and it's hot, it's steaming hot. 29 00:02:29,517 --> 00:02:31,252 So naturally, I take off my shirt, 30 00:02:31,252 --> 00:02:34,588 'cause it's more comfortable. - Hold up, this was last week? 31 00:02:34,588 --> 00:02:36,490 Yeah, no, we're in December, my friend. 32 00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:37,791 It's been fuckin' freezin'. 33 00:02:37,791 --> 00:02:40,594 - It was pretty hot! - Let him speak. 34 00:02:40,594 --> 00:02:43,331 We being real here, Tony? 35 00:02:43,331 --> 00:02:45,666 Or you just wanna show off your physique? 36 00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:47,668 - It was hot, bro. (opera music) 37 00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:50,504 So, I was like, whoa baby, wassup? 38 00:02:52,306 --> 00:02:54,908 Are you here with the modeling convention, too? 39 00:02:54,908 --> 00:02:58,346 And she was all like, "Oh, (laughing) you stupid." 40 00:02:58,346 --> 00:03:02,450 (laughing) She was giving me those complicated eyes. 41 00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:05,519 Like she was practically masturbating 42 00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:07,388 right there in the liquor store. 43 00:03:07,388 --> 00:03:09,890 (opera music) 44 00:03:23,070 --> 00:03:25,806 - She was masturbating? 45 00:03:25,806 --> 00:03:27,541 Really? - No, for real, 46 00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:29,743 and then her boyfriend comes up to me, 47 00:03:29,743 --> 00:03:33,281 and he's like, "Is this guy bothering you?" 48 00:03:33,281 --> 00:03:35,783 (opera music) 49 00:03:38,652 --> 00:03:41,922 And he's like, real young, like young young, 50 00:03:41,922 --> 00:03:43,291 and I thought I thought she might 51 00:03:43,291 --> 00:03:46,294 of been babysitting or something, so I got outta there. 52 00:03:46,294 --> 00:03:48,829 But then, whoa is me! 53 00:03:48,829 --> 00:03:51,765 Then he comes and sneak attacks me. 54 00:03:52,866 --> 00:03:54,535 And I'm like, "What's up, little man? 55 00:03:54,535 --> 00:03:56,136 You got somethin' to say?" 56 00:03:56,136 --> 00:04:00,274 And he was like, sucker punch! (loud punching) 57 00:04:04,478 --> 00:04:06,647 - And how'd that make you feel? 58 00:04:06,647 --> 00:04:08,081 - I felt nothing. 59 00:04:09,350 --> 00:04:11,385 I don't feel feelings, bro. - You're a liar. 60 00:04:11,385 --> 00:04:12,953 Unless you're some kind of lifeguard, 61 00:04:12,953 --> 00:04:15,122 there ain't no reason for you's to be takin' off your shirt, 62 00:04:15,122 --> 00:04:16,990 and showing off your big, sweaty, hard body, 63 00:04:16,990 --> 00:04:18,759 Mr. Sexy Muscles! - I swear, Marcie. 64 00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:22,996 Seriously, it was hot, and if you think about it, 65 00:04:22,996 --> 00:04:24,565 I wasn't actually bein' a douche. 66 00:04:24,565 --> 00:04:26,066 - No, no, no. 67 00:04:26,066 --> 00:04:28,569 There's no two, three, four ways to slice that bread. 68 00:04:28,569 --> 00:04:29,970 You, my friend, are a douche. 69 00:04:29,970 --> 00:04:32,840 - I'm allergic to cotton. - Really, really? 70 00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:34,041 You're allergic to cotton? 71 00:04:34,041 --> 00:04:35,509 He's allergic to cotton. 72 00:04:35,509 --> 00:04:37,210 You happen to have like, an insane amount of cotton shirts, 73 00:04:37,210 --> 00:04:38,612 and yet you just all the sudden now 74 00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:40,047 realize you're allergic to cotton. 75 00:04:40,047 --> 00:04:42,115 - You're allergic to cotton, I'm allergic to dick. 76 00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:44,151 - Yeah, well I'm starting to get itchy right now. 77 00:04:44,151 --> 00:04:45,953 - Oh, Christ! - I'm gettin' hives. 78 00:04:45,953 --> 00:04:48,155 - No, you're not. - It's gettin' hot in here. 79 00:04:48,155 --> 00:04:50,391 I think I'm breaking out in a rash or something. 80 00:04:50,391 --> 00:04:51,959 I'm starting to sweat 81 00:04:51,959 --> 00:04:53,694 with all this interrogation techniques. 82 00:04:53,694 --> 00:04:55,763 - The air conditioning's on! 83 00:04:55,763 --> 00:04:57,665 It's freezing in here! 84 00:04:57,665 --> 00:05:00,334 Your nipples are hard, his nipples are hard! 85 00:05:00,334 --> 00:05:02,202 - It's real hot in here. - You gonna let this go on? 86 00:05:02,202 --> 00:05:04,505 - It's gettin' so hot! 87 00:05:04,505 --> 00:05:06,106 I gotta do it. - Don't do it, Tony. 88 00:05:06,106 --> 00:05:08,208 Don't fuckin' do it, man, it's not worth it! 89 00:05:08,208 --> 00:05:09,242 - Gots-ta be me! 90 00:05:09,242 --> 00:05:10,644 - Don't do this with your life! 91 00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:12,346 - Naw, don't you do it, don't you do it, bro! 92 00:05:12,346 --> 00:05:15,349 - Enough! - NOOOOO!!! 93 00:05:15,349 --> 00:05:17,518 - Jesus Christ! - Bra. 94 00:05:19,353 --> 00:05:21,088 - Bruh. - Yo! 95 00:05:22,390 --> 00:05:24,558 - Yo. - Yo. 96 00:05:26,927 --> 00:05:28,429 - Yo. - Yo! 97 00:05:30,964 --> 00:05:32,800 - Yo. - Yo. 98 00:05:35,703 --> 00:05:37,204 - Yo. - Yo! 99 00:05:39,573 --> 00:05:41,575 - Yo? - Yo. 100 00:05:43,511 --> 00:05:46,547 - Yo. (crying) - Yo. 101 00:05:46,547 --> 00:05:49,216 - Yo. (crying) - Yo. 102 00:05:49,216 --> 00:05:53,286 - (crying) Yo! - Yo. 103 00:05:56,824 --> 00:05:58,392 Don't front. 104 00:06:00,761 --> 00:06:03,296 Do you go to the gym to prevent heart disease, 105 00:06:03,296 --> 00:06:06,734 or you just wanna look good naked? 106 00:06:06,734 --> 00:06:08,402 - Just wanna look good naked. 107 00:06:08,402 --> 00:06:11,605 - When you're making love, to a beautiful woman, 108 00:06:11,605 --> 00:06:16,076 would you rather just be making love to yourself? 109 00:06:16,076 --> 00:06:18,846 - Yeah, I just wanna fuck myself. 110 00:06:24,885 --> 00:06:25,986 I'm a douche. 111 00:06:29,322 --> 00:06:30,390 - Bring your ripplin' bod over here, 112 00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:33,527 you hot sexy beast of a man. 113 00:06:33,527 --> 00:06:37,698 (quietly crying) - Yeah, I just... 114 00:06:39,833 --> 00:06:41,735 I just wanna be wanted. 115 00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:49,342 Just makes you feel like I matter. 116 00:06:49,342 --> 00:06:51,512 - Yo dude, you do Anthony. 117 00:06:53,781 --> 00:06:57,451 - You my friend, my big, sweaty, sexy friend, 118 00:06:57,451 --> 00:07:01,555 are a grade A, bonafied, architypical classic douche. 119 00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:05,659 I'm already regrettin' sleeping with you's tonight. 120 00:07:05,659 --> 00:07:08,662 (uptempo 60s music) 8919

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