All language subtitles for (auto) Top Gear - 11.11.2008 - [10x05] - [London race.car.bike.boat]

Tonight, The Stig tests a Tube train,

Richard tests a pair of shorts...

and I try my hand at running.

Thank you. Thank you.

Hello. Hello and welcome.

Welcome. Welcome to
an award-winning Top Gear.

Yeah.

We've got a gong
for the best factual program,

which is astonishing when you think

we haven't actually put a fact in the show
for the last five years.

No matter. We're kicking off tonight
with Richard Hammond - not in shorts.

He is, in fact, in an Aston Martin.

This is it,
the new V8 Vantage Roadster.

And it's pig-ugly.

Actually, though, it's not, is it?

It's unbelievably gorgeous.

Not only is it a looker, it's also got
the same 4.3 liter, 380 horsepower V8

as you get in the Vantage Coupé,

which means it makes the same noise.

Oh!

That alone is worth 90,000
of the 91-grand asking price.

But let's not get carried away.

Because when Aston
hack the top off a car,

they're perfectly capable
of turning a good sports car

into a soggy blancmange.

The DB9, for instance,
is fabulous to drive as a hard-top,

but much less than fabulous as a roadster.

The question is,
have they made the same mistake here?

Not exactly.

Usually when they make a cabrio version,

they have to soften it up because
it can't handle all that sporty treatment.

But the chassis on this roadster is so stiff,
they can actually give it firmer suspension.

Result? It actually likes
going round corners.

Yes!

So, a roadster that drives like a hard-top.

And though it pains me to say it,

this thing makes a 911
look like a bit of a minger.

There are, however, a few reminders

that although Aston
is now privately owned,

this car came from the Ford era.

And that it was indeed conceived by
Ford's crack team of accountants.

The key fob might have
a nice, classy, leather back,

but actually it's taken
straight from a 20-grand Volvo.

And this screen here
for all the computer functions

looks like it came off an Amstrad in 1985.

And why, when they got someone
to record the voice commands,

did they choose the warder
from a women's prison?

100 yards ahead turn right.

Turn right.

But I'm nitpicking
because, really, this is a great car.

Top speed is 175 mph.

Naught to 60 takes 4.9 seconds.

Often at this point we like to demonstrate
a car's straight-line performance...

...by having a drag race.
Today is no exception.

But we thought rather than
a drag race against another car,

we'd have one against a man.

He's called Dirk Auer
and he's from Germany.

Now, if he's going to race me,

I'd be stupid to let him
hang on to my coat-tails.

And Dirk agrees.

Which is why he's got three jet engines,
together making 300 horsepower,

that he's going to strap to his back.

Kitted out with an aerodynamic helmet
and special inline skates,

this human cruise missile
claims he can hit 120 mph.

Time to find out if that's just hot air.

Aston Martin say this car will do
a quarter-mile in just over 13 seconds.

He didn't even flinch
when I told him that. So...

let's see what happens
when Britain and Germany,

in quite an odd way, I must admit,
go to battle once again.

If you told people you'd had a dream
in which you'd drag-raced an Aston Martin

against a man on jet-powered roller skates,

people would tell you
to lay off the strong cheese at night.

We're away!

I can't believe how quickly
that thing gets off the line!

80.

90.

100.

We're level-pegging! He's on roller skates!

Come on!

Yeah!

I won!

I beat a man on roller skates!

In an Aston Martin!

Yes!

Right, it's now time to move on
and for me to drive a car.

It's called the Caparo T1

and it's possibly the most amazing,
maybe the fastest,

and almost certainly the scariest car...
ever made.

Remarkable-looking thing, isn't it?

And even more remarkable when you
notice that it has lights and indicators.

And space for a passenger.

What you're looking at here, then,
is the first realistic attempt

to make a Formula-0ne-style car

that you can use on the road.

It hasn't had a particularly easy birth.

At the press launch,
a Dutch journalist was in it

when some aspect
of the front suspension came adrift

and it speared off into the undergrowth.

Then, at the Goodwood Festival of Speed,

the throttle jammed wide open.

And that happened again
when Fifth Gear were testing it.

And then, at 150 mph,
it caught fire massively,

burning the driver, Jason Plato, quite badly
on the hand, the neck and the face.

And now it's my turn.

Because of this car's violent history
and the immense speeds it can achieve,

the BBC has insisted
we beef up our safety precautions.

This is what we normally use - a van with
some sticking plasters and aspirin in it.

Today, though, we have enough
to deal with a medium-sized plane crash.

Caparo themselves
say I'm not allowed to drive it

unless I wear a full-face crash helmet

and one of these Nomex romper suits,

presumably so that
if something goes wrong

all my organs will be held together
in one sort of big, fireproof bag...

make me easier to collect.

So, everything is in place.

I'm in. So, first of all,
we have to put the steering wheel on.

Goes on the other way up.
That's what it does.

Seat belts.

Right. On. The fire-extinguisher system
master switch on.

Ignition. It's a road car
so it'll probably be quite quiet.

Here we go.

No, no, it isn't quiet.

If this all goes wrong,

er, I'll do the Team America secret signal.

OK.

Horn works.

Here we go.

Well, I don't know what the fuss
is all about. This is very safe.

I can see no danger here at all.

Designed by the same people
who brought you the McLaren F1,

the Caparo
has a 3.5 liter V8 race engine

which delivers 575 horsepower.

That is a huge amount
in a car that weighs

about the same as a patio heater.

As a result, it has twice as much
brake horsepower per tonne

as a Bugatti Veyron.

Twice as much.

In a road car,
that is a truly terrifying prospect.

So far, though,
all four wheels are still on. Yeah.

The throttle has not jammed open

and there is no fire.

So er... goodbye, safety people.

Oh, my God! God Almighty!

You can forget Enzos,
you can forget Koenigseggs.

This is in a different league.

It does naught to 60 in 2.5 seconds.

Naught to 100 in five and
it'll still be going like a bee out of hell

all the way up to 205...

where, hopefully, the twin tail-planes,

like you get on an SR71 Blackbird
spy-plane, will keep it stable.

And the braking! Oh, God!

You couldn't stop more quickly
if you ran into a tree.

Here we go again!!
To experience anything like this

you would have to be
in a Formula 3000 car.

This is acceleration
like I have never, ever experienced.

And then the floor came off.

I'm gonna do the secret signal.

Thankfully, it wasn't a big job and soon...
the T1 was back.

And then there was a problem
with the fuel.

Wasn't turning out to be very reliable, this.

And then there's the price.

I don't really know how to soften the blow
on this so I'll come straight out with it.

It's L235,000.

Really, then, the only people fit,
brave and rich enough to buy such a car

are Premiership footballers.

I'm sure Mr. Rooney will like
the speed and the looks very much.

But he's in for a nasty surprise
when he gets it back from the menders

because this is about
as good at taking corners as he is.

Oh, no, that is a lot of understeer.

Oh, that is a lot of understeer there.

Got my foot on the power but there's so much
power in this I'm just gonna spin out.

Oh, God, this is a disaster!

The shape has been designed
so the air flowing over it

will press the car into the road.

It'll actually generate 3g in a fast bend.

Unfortunately, in a slow bend

the air isn't moving over the body
quickly enough

and you have almost no grip at all.

Look at it snaking,
fighting for grip that just isn't there.

If the tires are cold
the problem is ten times worse.

And if the road is wet...

it'll spin up the rears
through third and fourth.

If you try to go round
a normal roundabout

at a normal speed in this,
you're gonna have a huge accident.

When this thing goes on sale,

there isn't gonna be a ditch in the land,
or a hedgerow,

that isn't full of Premiership footballers

all broken and on fire.

Because of this car,
I wouldn't be at all surprised

if Grimsby Town won this year's FA Cup.

And you haven't got room to move in it.

You know, you're sort of...

But let me just... Hang on.

To generate enough downforce to get
round a corner, you have to go really fast?

Yes. Brilliant excuse for the police.

"I had to go round that corner, Officer,
at 1,000 mph,

"cos if I was doing 30
I would have crashed."

But don't you think... The thing I like about
this is that it's amazing that this is allowed.

Because, I mean, there's a regulation that
says that headlight has to be that height,

they have to put the seat belts in,

but there are no laws
governing how fast it can go.

No, and we must now find out
how fast it goes round our track.

Which means, of course,
we have to hand it over

to someone who understands downforce.

Some say that to unlock him you have
to run your finger down his face.

Like that.

And that if he were getting divorced from
Paul McCartney

he'd keep his stupid, whining mouth shut.

All we know is he's called The Stig.

And he's offl And he's gone already.
Little bit of wheel spin there.

Now he's heading down
to the first corner fairly fast.

There should be just about enough
downforce to get him round.

Look at the speed he's going in therel

Tail kicked out a little bit.

It's snaking. Now he's got to build up
the speed again.

0bviously, he's got no stereo today
so no self-help.

As he turns into Chicago,
running a bit wide.

The understeer kicking in.
Not much he can do about that.

Now he's just back on that 3.5 liter engine,
into the Hammerhead, turning,

and he's gonna be in serious bother here
if he's not careful.

Understeer again, then oversteer,
then understeer, then oversteer.

Now he can get back on the power.

This will be phenomenal
through the Follow-through.

3g through there, easy-peasy.

Getting on for Formula 0ne levels of grip.

Through the tires. God, that's quickl

Now he's got more bother again
cos he's got to go slowly

for the second-to-last corner, turning in.
Held that one very nicely.

Last corner. Again running widel
And across the linel

Now...

This is er...
Despite the handling issues, shall we say,

we are expecting this to be pretty fast,

mixing it up here with top crowd,
the 1.18s, the 1.17 s, the 1.19s.

It actually did it in one minute...

10.6.

Staggering. Absolutely staggering.

That's the fastest thing by miles.

And now what I'm gonna do
is take it off again.

- What? Why?
- You know the rules, James.

If a car can't get over a sleeping policeman
it can't go on that board.

We've always said that,
and look at the nose on this.

Never mind a sleeping policeman,
you'd rip that off if you ran over Gandhi.

So, er, sorry about that.

And now we're moving on because it's time
to put a star in our reasonably priced car.

Now, my guest tonight is a very busy man.

So busy, in fact, that the only hole we
could find in his diary was two weeks ago.

So we interviewed him then,
and then we thought

we'd slide it into tonight's program

and nobody would be any the wiser.

I've had my hair cut to match,
I'm wearing roughly the same clothes,

we're in the same building.

It was all very ambitious but,
as is so often the way with Top Gear,

I'm afraid it hasn't quite worked because...

if you watch very carefully,
this poppy is about to magically disappear.

Ladies and gentlemen,
from the past... Simon Cowell!

- Welcome back.
- How are you?

- Welcome back. How are you?
- Very good, thank you.

Have a seat.

Not your first visit, of course, is it?

I was here... was it four years ago?

Four years ago,
when we had the Suzuki Liana.

- We've moved on now.
- Oh, you've really moved up in the world.

Absolutely. And so have you.

Because then it was Pop Idol, wasn't it?

Yeah, second Pop Idol or something.

Since then you've done American Inventor,
British Inventor...

- American Idol, X Factor...
- American Idol, X Factor.

How many more opportunities are there

for you to get a lot of money
from phone lines...

...where people vote on things?

We only do the phone lines
so that the audience can vote.

So we're sort of
giving something back to the audience.

- You could do an illegal immigrant one.
- A what?

Where people compete for
a British passport.

Are you seriously pitching me this idea?

No, I'm thinking I might do it, actually.
It's such a good idea.

It's fantastic. It's yours.

- I just have ideas all the time.
- OK, well, they're not very good.

What, and X Factor is?

Yeah. Yes.

- Why are they clapping?
- Well...

- Now, come on, fair's f...
- This is your audience, isn't it?

You can really tell that.

- Could I be a judge on X Factor?
- Shall I tell you why you couldn't?

Why?

Because I am ageing quite well
and you're not.

And I thought about you the other day.

I was reading one of your reviews
about a Jaguar,

about how Jaguars
have to update themselves over the years.

And you are the equivalent of a Jaguar

who needs... help.

In other words, you know how you do a
face-lift on the new Jag whatever it was?

- Oh, I can't do a face-lift.
- No, you do. You need Botox.

You need a face-lift.
Just have half an eye done or something.

I look in a mirror...
Don't you look in a mirror and just go,

- "I'm falling to pieces and I don't care"?
- No, I don't think that.

- You care?
- I think I look good.

- You do look good but...
- I know I do. And we're the same age.

- And I don't care.
- You must do.

- Should I care? Should I care about it?
- No.

And that's why
you couldn't come on my show.

And the other reason is
I'd just sit, going, "No. No. No."

The second reason is you'd be funnier
than me. That's why you'll never come on.

How's America? Is it going well?

I like it there.
I've been there five years. It's fun.

- And you live there.
- I live there for half the year now.

So you've got to split your cars.
America and the UK.

- Yes.
- Come on, then, what have you bought?

In England I have an Audi, the new Audi.

The R8? That is brilliant, isn't it?

Well, it's very interesting.
I was driving the car the other day

and I was thinking about
what you said on the show

about it being better than a Porsche.

And I was kind of thinking,
"Why is it better than a Porsche?"

Well, I think the reason
it's better than a Porsche

- is that people like you in it.
- Mm-hm.

I promise you, at that split second
someone overtook me,

put their hand out the window
and went, "Tosser."

At exactly that moment.

- Telling you to put your seat belt on.
- Is that what it was?

Erm, no, but it's a good car.
And then, on your recommendation,

I bought a Lamborghini... Gallardo
or whatever you call it.

- Spyder.
- Spyder.

Erm... which is completely pointless
because... And I'll tell you why.

When you're driving it
around the track here it's fantastic.

- Drive it in London, it's impossible.
- Why?

You can't do more than 10 mph in this car.

It's like Naomi Campbell phoning you up,

going out for dinner,
ending up in a hotel room

and she then is telling you
that she's a lesbian.

It's...

...sort of pointless.
- I wouldn't mind that.

- "Bring a friend, let's be having a look."
- You've got a point, actually.

- Er, it's kind of pointless, you know. You...
- Why?

Because you can't drive
these things properly.

But what can you drive in London

- that you derive enjoyment from?
- That's my point. Nothing.

- But you've still got the Rolls-Royces?
- Yes.

One there, one here?

Thanks to Fifth Gear,
who recommended it.

Ooh...

I like Westlife.

- It's one of Louis', isn't it?
- No, one of mine, actually, Jeremy.

Is it? Well, they're !

- Aren't they the Irish ones? I get muddled.
- He manages them.

- Oh, OK.
- And they're signed to my record label.

- Who isn't signed to your record label?
- Spice Girls.

I like them.

- I wanna hear about my lap.
- Really?

- Oh, all right. Are you a competitive man?
- Yes.

- Cos the last time you came here...
- I won.

...you went to the top.
- Absolutely.

And then you were knocked off by...
Jimmy Carr, wasn't it?

Who I saw, like weeks after, who was
horribly patronizing about the whole thing.

So today is the day you've come back
to see if you can get to the top...

- Yes.
...of the board.

- That's why I'm here.
- How did it go?

I don't think it went as well as last time.

- Who'd like to see it?
- Yeah.

Play the tape.

OK, here we go.

- What do you think of the car?
- Terrible.

It's seriously the worst car I've ever driven.

That's... good and aggressive
through there.

Prat.

Quite a lot of wheel spin through there.

Then into the Hammerhead.
Nicely done so far.

That's pretty good.

- Is that good?
- Yeah, very good.

Right, now, flat from now on.

- Flat?
- Yeah.

- And still flat through the tires?
- That's how you do it, Jeremy.

I know. I drive round here all the time.
I've still never timed myself.

Look at this. Casual. Relaxed.

Coming up to the second-to-last corner.

Whoo!

Into Gambon now and here we go.

And across the line.

Not bad.

Well, there it is.

Where do you reckon?

As long as I'm higher than Hugh Grant.

Hugh Grant, 1.47.7.

Yeah, no, you're faster than that.

- Well, just tell me.
- No, no.

Do you think you beat Gordon Ramsay,
who was seriously quick?

- What did he do?
- He did 1.46.3.

Close.

- You reckon close?
- Yeah.

You were, actually. Very close.

Because you did it in one minute...

forty...

5.9.

You're there. You're there.

Been waiting for the day.

That is...

That's fantastic!

And Gordon Ramsay...
has just committed suicide.

Well, to be fair to Gordon Ramsay,
he's fat.

So that's worth at least two seconds.

- I... That is amazing.
- No, that was, actually.

You really do have a knack for it.

The Stig said
you have definitely got a knack.

The cameramen said they'd never seen
consistency like it in the practice laps.

Well, the thing is that you should never
listen to what you're being told

because it's like trying to ride a bicycle.

If someone tells you how to do it,
you start thinking about too many things.

You've just gotta get yourself round.
But I'm genuinely thrilled.

- I'm glad I came.
- I'm very glad you came.

Cos I was getting bored with having a Scot

not only in Number Ten
but also at the top of our Leader Board.

Ladies and gentlemen, Simon Cowell!

- I'm so happy, Jeremy.
- Well done.

Wow!

What a night.
The records are just tumbling.

First the Caparo blitzes the Koenigsegg
round the track,

now we've got a new fastest lap. It's...

Yeah. Hello.

My poppy's grown back. It's a miracle.

- You are such a clot.
- I am.

And now it is time for one of our epic races.
You know the sort of thing -

where a Bugatti races across the Alps
against a truffle

or a McLaren Mercedes
races a powerboat to Oslo.

Oh, yes. And this one...
isn't that big, to be honest.

But it is more relevant
because it's a race to find out

what is the quickest way
to cross a busy city.

Car, bicycle, public transport, whatever.

We've chosen London.

Now, we start from here, Kew Bridge,

the most westerly point
of the North Circular.

Which, if you live in Nepal or Coventry,

is a sort of ring-road around London.

We then finish up over here
at London City Airport,

which is at the most easterly point
of the North Circular.

So that is a race right across the center

of one of the most congested cities
in the world.

Now, to make sure that we aren't accused
of bias toward the car,

it will be driven by
the slowest man in the world.

A man with no known sense of direction.

Him.

To make it even less fair,
the car they've given me

is not a Smart car or my Fiat Panda
or anything sensible like that.

It's this.

The new Mercedes GL. It's 17 feet long,
it's about six-and-a-half feet wide.

It weighs 2.5 tonnes.

It is the Chelsea-est
of all the Chelsea tractors.

And I shall attempt to beat him on this.

It's a Specialized Sirrus Limited -

a carbon fiber, super-lightweight bicycle.

It's built on a five-piece,
monocoque construction

with a Body Geometry saddle.

It's got carbon fiber crank set,

carbon fiber handlebars,
carbon fiber brake levers

and it's even got its own
unique gel-based suspension system

so it can cope with the bumps of London.

- It's L1,700.
- It is quite expensive, yes.

Anyway, this isn't just a race
between a car and a bike

cos we need to see
how public transport will fare.

So we need a third person.

Someone who's never been on a train
or a bus, who doesn't know the misery.

Thankfully, on Top Gear
we have just such a person.

Now, as we race across London
in the car and on the bike,

he will catch a bus around the corner.

There he will get an underground train
to Monument station

and from there he will get on
the Docklands Light Railway,

which takes him all the way to the airport.

- Are we ready?
- Yes.

Ready?

- Let's go.
- Hang on.

Hang on. There is a fourth way.

Oh, God.

- Don't tell me. A jetpack.
- No.

- Harrier jump jet.
- No.

- A plasma-powered horse.
- No. I've got a boat.

- How will you get a boat up Knightsbridge?
- I'm not.

The River Thames is just behind those
houses. It goes all the way to the airport.

- Like a big blue motorway.
- So you are going to row up the Thames,

doing one mile an hour.

Course I'm not going to row.
It's got an engine.

All we know is this, Hammond -

it's eight-thirty... two...

- Yes.
...on a Monday morning.

- Yeah.
- Peak rush hour.

- I'd call the weather today... close.
- Humid.

- Sweaty.
- Yes.

So, genuinely, we have no idea
who's going to win this.

- I am.
- You're not.

- I know full well I am.
- You're not.

Are we ready? We're gonna find out.
Three, two...

- Hold on, he's jumped the gun!
- Go now!

I'm going.

No rush.

I'm gonna cream it. See you, Hammond.

That's the last time you're in the lead.

What I've got is a gentle walk to the river,

on the boat... through the city.
It's a lovely day.

See you, May.

Hammond shot past the traffic
on Kew Bridge.

I honestly think I can win this one.

Captain Slow was also full of hope.

This is a car. This is a car program.
I know you want the car to win.

I want the car to win.
I shall not let you down.

I have a rough idea where I'm going.

I know the river's on my right.
Is it on the I? No, it's on the right.

Sadly, though, both of them
were going to be disappointed.

Let's go!

OK, what I've got here
is a L52,000 Cougar sport racing boat.

It's got a 3.5 liter VTEC Honda engine
on the back,

225 brake horsepower,
top speed 75 mph.

Unfortunately, on this part of the river -
sort of Chiswick -

there are many herons and otters,

so I'm limited to
erm, nine miles an hour. Ish.

The speed limit is in force
all the way to Wandsworth Bridge.

But from there...
the Thames has no speed limit at all.

- Bye!
- Good luck on the bus!

Bye!

Meanwhile, The Stig saw
a huge, red car approaching

and he got on it, using something
called an 0yster card,

which is useful if you have
no understanding of money.

I'm in a bus lane, which is good.
I can use them.

However, the other thing
that uses them - buses.

The Monday morning rush hour
was slowing James.

But I couldn't open up
the big lead I'd hoped for

for one simple reason.

I've got to wait at the lights. I'm on telly.

Obviously, I always wait at the lights.

Hello. Oh!

With the car
pottering along nicely,

I decided to see if Hammond
was as comfortable as me.

Hammond?

Hammond?

Now here's one of the big problems
that you have on the river,

which is the rowers,

who reserve a special kind of hatred
for people with engines on their boats.

They are the cyclists of the waterway,
the Hammonds.

D'you want a lift?

See? She hates me.

Change, change, change.
I'm bloody cycling.

You can go faster
cos you've got bandy legs.

I can't go faster. I haven't got bandy legs.

It was time for The Stig
to get out of the big, red car.

Please keep your belongings
with you at all times.

Since I was stuck at nine
and almost certainly last,

I decided to revive the ancient art
of using a telephone while driving.

- May.
- Hello, Captain Clarkson.

- Where are you?
- Hammers... Er, Ha...

- Yeah. Hammersmith. Broadway.
- You... No way.

- Where's Hammond?
- I don't know.

I tried to ring him but it sounded like
his face was rubbing along the road,

so he may have had it already.

You realize, James, I have to beat you

but I want you to win with that car.
Don't get lost.

To make sure I didn't get lost
I was using the Satnav.

- Keep left.
- I know.

- Now keep right.
- Yes, I know. I know to...

I'm keeping right. I knew that.
I was already keeping right.

Please keep left in 100 yards.

Exactly. You go down there towards...

My phone's going. Hello?

Hammond. How's it going, mate?

Oh, no! No!

Oh, that was the sound of a skull
under a bus's Pirelli.

Right. Time to ring The Stig.
See how he's getting on.

We'd given him a phone but er...

After 25 minutes
this is how things stood.

Hammond was alive and in the lead.

May was breathing down his neck
in second.

The Stig was third
and I was going in the wrong direction

on one of the river's
endless and annoying meanders.

I have to make... every mile-an-hour count

because my average speed is so low.

Don't pull out, don't pull out, don't pull out!

I hate buses.
They're stinking, horrible things.

Go. Bit of Christian motoring there.
That man wanted to pull out.

Let him pull out.
What comes around goes around.

He who is last shall be first.

Oi! Chuffing, bus-driving, bullying Nazi.

Why don't you just wait,
and give your passengers a better ride?

The next station
is Stamford Brook.

The Stig,
now in an underground car,

had noticed that
everyone was doing the same thing.

This has to be
the most stress-free and relaxing

Monday morning rush-hour commute
since the dawn of civilization.

Oh, not another set of sodding lights!

Oh, bloody hell!

Have a nice walk. Enjoy yourself.

I knew May was getting stuck
at the lights, too,

but getting up to speed again
didn't wear him out.

Not that he could ever get up to
any sort of speed in the first place.

Now, I would never try to ban people
from having cars like this -

because that would be
like communism, really -

but I really don't understand why
anybody would have something like this

for driving around town

because it's so... big and unnecessary.

It's more than six feet wide.
It's almost six and a half feet wide

and that's what makes a difference.

That door is half the width
of that whole scooter.

Meanwhile, The Stig was plainly
bemused by his strange new world.

No! No! You filthy, foul, stinking...

Hammond?

Agh! You stinking, evil !

Foul, reeking, hell-making piece of...

Hammond stopped swearing long enough
to answer the phone.

- Hello.
- Hello. Yes? What?

I'm just coming up to the Albert Hall.
I wondered how you were doing.

You're just behind me.
I'm stuck at the lights again.

Ooh, right. Well, I'll give you
a friendly peep as I go past.

I'll kick the crap out of your car if you do.

35 minutes into the race
and Richard was still in the lead.

James was still on his tail.

The Stig was still in a tunnel

and I was still following a path
forged by nature, at nine.

But I wasn't worried at all.

Hammond, by now,
will just be bathed in sweat.

Hideous, smelly.
People will vomit when they go near him.

James, of course, he'll end up in...
Huddersfield, perhaps.

Pontefract. Who knows?
Not the City Airport.

Er... Stig, don't know.

Might think he's a Brazilian electrician.

And then me, having a lovely time
and I'm going to win.

I was now scything down Piccadilly.

And joy of joys, the traffic was horrible.

As it turned out,
jams were the least of my problems.

Oh, crikey, it's the rozzers.

The police only wanted to check
the permit for our camera car,

but it still cost me valuable time.

So, on... on the basis that stopping here I've
lost about three or four minutes in the race,

and that sort of corrupts the result,

can we just do four minutes of
blues-and-twos and I'll follow you?

What I can do is I can give you a 5090
to say that I've stopped you

and then you can submit that
to your superiors

- as a record of me stopping you.
- What?

I was pulling further ahead.

Trafalgar Square, left.

Right, this is where I need to be.

Cycle lane. One, two, three meters of it
and then I'm back under that bus.

With Plod off my back,
I now had to pay Ken Livingstone

for permission to sit in his jams.

Er...

I'm sorry,
that was an incorrect selection.

Hello. I need to pay
the congestion charge for London.

0K. Can I have
your vehicle number, please?

Er... I don't know.

Erm...

Er...

Fifty... six, Hotel Foxtrot... Zulu.

Is that a Mercedes GL500 in silver?

How did you know that?

It's actually a 5.5 liter but they call it a 500
cos they're a bit embarrassed about it.

0h.

With James stuck in the traffic
around Piccadilly and Trafalgar Square,

I had to seize the moment and push.

There's the river.

That's 24 mph showing.

I've got to keep that up.

Head down, I've gotta just go.

- Hammond.
- Hello.

- Where are you?
- I've just got onto Embankment.

- Where are you?
- Just going past Fulham Football Club.

This was bad news.

Jeremy was now only a minute or so
from Wandsworth Bridge,

where he could put his foot down.

So, although the car was imprisoned
by the traffic,

the boat was coming into play.

And Stig was closing in, too.

Please mind the gap
between the train and the platform.

I've got 19 mph
showing on my little speedo here.

I've got to keep that up. I feel sick.

Here we go, Wandsworth Bridge.

Yes!

OK, Hammond and May, live with this!

That's the Embankment. Where's May?

At this point, Richard was
just eight miles from the airport.

I had 17 miles to cover
but I was going an awful lot faster.

The Stig
was now catching Hammond, too,

and even worse news for the one in shorts,
James had cleared the traffic.

Here we go.

I've got to beat Jeremy
and cannot be beaten by James.

Battersea Power Station,
ladies and gentlemen, to your right.

Coming up to Millbank now,
headquarters of the Labour Party.

They won't like this very much. Ha-ha!

I don't like this car.
I have to be brutally honest.

It's not my kind of thing. But a car is,
nevertheless, the right way to do this.

I've got it just set to 20 degrees.

Bit of Radio 3.

Yeah, pull out on me, why not?
That's what I'm there for!

The Stig, in a close second,
was now making his final train change.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please keep your belongings
with you at all times

and report any unattended items
or suspicious behavior

to a member of staff or a police officer.

Hello, Officers.

I just went past the police at 45 mph.

Annoyingly, I couldn't fully open the taps

because, weirdly, I had traffic problems.

Look at it. Just endless tourists.

Come on!

Got to get my speed up.

This train directly to King George V
via London City Airport.

20, 25, 20, 18.

This is so frustrating.

Aargh!

Where... is Jeremy on his boat?

Where, where, where?

Tower Bridge! Coming through!

As the river widened I became
the fastest-moving man in all of London.

We're knocking on now.
Coming up to 50 mph.

How can we lose now?

It simply is not possible.

At this stage, James was last

and The Stig was still
several stops away from the airport,

so it was becoming a two-horse race.

The bends in the river
had made my journey seven miles longer

but I was now doing a whopping 70 mph.

Hammond was probably feeling quite good
about his chances.

Well, I'm sorry, mate, they're gone now.
They're gone.

Bloody lights!
Bloody lights!

hate them.

London VTS, London VTS,

this is Red Cougar requesting permission
to go through the barrier at speed.

Schedule copied.
Proceed in through the barrier.

Take Charlie span
in-between the green arrows.

Sorry!

Somewhere round here there's an airport
and I've got to go and park at it.

City Airport. There it is!

Come on! Come on!

Come on.

I'm here. I've arrived!

Coming through.

Unfortunately, a gentleman on a bike
has checked in already.

- What?
- A gentleman on a bike

has checked in already.

- Hammond?
- Yes.

I mean, too hard on you.

- How the hell did you do that?
- It's easier on a pushbike.

- You don't get stuck in queues.
- You've ruined Top Gear.

- Well...
- It's the last-ever show.

I've bent it a bit. But hang on.
What you're saying is I've ruined Top Gear

- because I won on a bicycle.
- Yes.

You came second... in a boat.

Between us we've ruined...
We've ruined Top Gear.

We sat down
to see if Top Gear could be salvaged.

Just so long as
the car beats public transport.

What if the car?
Oh, God. That's a very good point.

What if the car loses to public?

We need for public transport
to come stone-dead last.

We soon got an answer.

- Oh, no!
- Did you go on a Tube?

Underground?
Did it go dark? Flashing lights?

- Did you go on a train?
- Were there other people?

Eugh.

What he's just done is he's gone slower
than a boat and a bicycle.

- That'll just be going..."Zz zz zz zz."
- Inside, there's all numbers.

There'll be a bit of smoke come out the top
in a minute. Keep watching.

15 minutes after The Stig,
James arrived.

- Thank you, James.
- What have you done?

- The car, as an entity...
- Ruined.

...lies smashed and broken in front of us
because of you.

He beat you on public transport.

We're ruined.

I, er...

Can I clear something up
that's just confusing me here?

Because you lost, what, about four minutes
with that policeman business.

But... watching the film,
you get the impression

that the car arrived
15 minutes after everyone else.

Now, if I remember rightly, when I got
there, James, you were already there

- and had been for ages.
- He was.

And d'you know something else, as well?

I distinctly remember my boat blew up

- and I was killed.
- Yes. Yes.

You don't get that sense, watching the film.

- Doesn't come through.
- I'm glad you've said that.

I'm sure I remember
cruising straight past Hammond

- with his head stuck in some railings.
- That happened. That did happen.

And actually, d'you know what?
London doesn't have a river,

so I couldn't have used a boat.

So there we are. What Top Gear -

which is a trusted,
award-winning factual program -

has proved is that, despite what you've just
seen in that stupid and misleading film,

- the car was the fastest.
- Yes!

- And the best.
- Yes.

And as a result of that,
we will be back with more facts.

See you then. Good night!