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Subtitles by explosiveskull
www.OpenSubtitles.org
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I think, basically,
we're just circling back,
3
00:00:52,935 --> 00:00:55,477
so we can make sure that
we've nailed down our best
4
00:00:55,479 --> 00:00:58,566
- reach, targets, and safeties.
- Cool beans.
5
00:00:59,275 --> 00:01:03,277
That said, why don't we table
schools and change focus a bit?
6
00:01:03,279 --> 00:01:05,904
Oh, his-his calc grades?
I know that they'd slipped,
7
00:01:05,906 --> 00:01:08,282
but I've been working with him a bunch.
And I think his last two scores,
8
00:01:08,284 --> 00:01:12,661
- they were... they were up.
- And I've been yelling at him a lot.
9
00:01:12,663 --> 00:01:15,372
No, no, no.
His grades are solid.
10
00:01:15,374 --> 00:01:19,751
It's his college essay that
may be a tad problematic.
11
00:01:19,753 --> 00:01:23,589
"Higher Education
Scandal of the 21st Century."
12
00:01:23,591 --> 00:01:25,799
He actually makes
some cogent points.
13
00:01:25,801 --> 00:01:27,968
The passage likening
adjunct professors to
14
00:01:27,970 --> 00:01:31,013
"getting surgery from the guy
who mops up the O.R."
15
00:01:31,015 --> 00:01:34,349
was sublime, but it's really
the general hostility
16
00:01:34,351 --> 00:01:36,685
and recurrent f-bombs
that may scare off
17
00:01:36,687 --> 00:01:38,979
your targets and safeties.
18
00:01:38,981 --> 00:01:40,606
Not that he won't get in somewhere.
19
00:01:40,608 --> 00:01:43,734
I may have some pull at my old
alma mater, Shippensburg.
20
00:01:43,736 --> 00:01:48,240
Nice little town. You like cows, Tom?
21
00:01:54,538 --> 00:01:57,956
- Are you out of your frickin' mind?
- I'm just being honest.
22
00:01:57,958 --> 00:02:00,500
I'm really not into the idea
of college right now.
23
00:02:00,502 --> 00:02:03,462
You don't have to be into
the idea of college now, genius.
24
00:02:03,464 --> 00:02:05,964
You have till September
to kindle that flame.
25
00:02:05,966 --> 00:02:08,467
You're gonna write another essay
immediately, do you hear me?
26
00:02:08,469 --> 00:02:10,302
Totally dead serious.
27
00:02:10,304 --> 00:02:12,262
What, "Scandal of the 21st..."
When did you suddenly
28
00:02:12,264 --> 00:02:13,972
become such a cynic?
29
00:02:13,974 --> 00:02:16,266
I'm allowed to have a free mind!
30
00:02:16,268 --> 00:02:19,228
Then use it to pull
your head out of your ass!
31
00:02:19,230 --> 00:02:21,230
Okay, I have class.
32
00:02:21,232 --> 00:02:23,901
- Of course.
- No college, no car.
33
00:02:24,693 --> 00:02:27,277
I don't understand
where this is coming from.
34
00:02:27,279 --> 00:02:31,615
- Did I miss something?
- No. This is shiny and brand new.
35
00:02:31,617 --> 00:02:36,036
I mean, is he under the delusion
that college is optional?
36
00:02:36,038 --> 00:02:39,873
I don't think so. But I think we should
give him some space.
37
00:02:39,875 --> 00:02:42,334
Because if we ride him now,
he's just gonna dig in more.
38
00:02:42,336 --> 00:02:43,919
Oh, no, I disagree completely.
39
00:02:43,921 --> 00:02:46,755
I think we need to ride
him now immediately.
40
00:02:46,757 --> 00:02:48,632
Those deadlines are coming up.
41
00:02:48,634 --> 00:02:51,426
It's our job as parents
42
00:02:51,428 --> 00:02:54,221
to kick the door down
and lob in tear gas.
43
00:02:54,223 --> 00:02:58,183
Possibly true, but let's be realistic.
I looked into his face back there,
44
00:02:58,185 --> 00:03:00,143
and I saw the eyes
of a taxidermied mule.
45
00:03:00,145 --> 00:03:03,146
I think we should just
back off for a few days.
46
00:03:03,148 --> 00:03:05,023
I really... I don't know,
Robert, I don't know.
47
00:03:05,025 --> 00:03:09,361
If we play it cool, we buy some
street cred. That's my opinion.
48
00:03:09,363 --> 00:03:12,616
Okay, we can hold off.
49
00:03:13,492 --> 00:03:17,077
- But, you know, briefly. That's all.
- Then we calmly sit him down,
50
00:03:17,079 --> 00:03:18,912
and we clock him with a lead pipe.
51
00:03:18,914 --> 00:03:20,455
He goes to college.
We win.
52
00:03:20,457 --> 00:03:22,416
Okay. God, sorry.
I gotta go.
53
00:03:22,418 --> 00:03:24,001
- High-five on co-parenting.
- All right.
54
00:03:24,003 --> 00:03:25,379
High... right here.
55
00:03:26,714 --> 00:03:29,047
A month ago, he was
talking about Syracuse
56
00:03:29,049 --> 00:03:30,591
or maybe even Colby.
57
00:03:30,593 --> 00:03:32,509
The kid who can barely make
his own toaster waffles,
58
00:03:32,511 --> 00:03:35,053
suddenly he's
an anti-college radical?
59
00:03:35,055 --> 00:03:37,556
I remember having
a crush on Abbie Hoffman
60
00:03:37,558 --> 00:03:39,182
when I was in the sixth grade.
61
00:03:39,184 --> 00:03:41,810
You know what? I should never,
ever have agreed with Robert
62
00:03:41,812 --> 00:03:44,730
to back off. We gotta
get on his ass now.
63
00:03:44,732 --> 00:03:47,858
Co-parenting after
a divorce is a sham.
64
00:03:47,860 --> 00:03:50,944
It's overhyped,
"united front" bullshit.
65
00:03:50,946 --> 00:03:54,406
Yeah, especially when one
parent, in this case me,
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00:03:54,408 --> 00:03:56,366
is 100% right.
67
00:03:56,368 --> 00:03:58,493
How are you? Everything
the same with Cole?
68
00:03:58,495 --> 00:04:00,245
Yep. Still hates my guts.
69
00:04:00,247 --> 00:04:03,165
You raise a son, you think
you've been a good mother,
70
00:04:03,167 --> 00:04:05,751
and now he acts like
he escaped from a cult.
71
00:04:05,753 --> 00:04:07,544
Plus, work sucks.
72
00:04:07,546 --> 00:04:12,299
I think maybe I don't give a shit
about people's problems anymore.
73
00:04:12,301 --> 00:04:13,967
With a...
74
00:04:13,969 --> 00:04:15,886
dollop of contempt on the side.
75
00:04:15,888 --> 00:04:17,264
It's, uh...
76
00:04:18,224 --> 00:04:20,684
I'm fucked up.
77
00:04:23,562 --> 00:04:25,229
Oh, you poor thing. You're
waiting for me to say
78
00:04:25,231 --> 00:04:27,189
- something wise, aren't you?
- Mm-hmm.
79
00:04:27,191 --> 00:04:28,857
Hmm...
80
00:04:28,859 --> 00:04:30,653
- Anything?
- I'm so... Nope.
81
00:04:34,657 --> 00:04:38,116
So, how are things going
with Mrs. Dufresne Number 2?
82
00:04:38,118 --> 00:04:40,452
Oh, she's still on bed rest.
83
00:04:40,454 --> 00:04:41,830
She'll be fine.
84
00:04:45,209 --> 00:04:47,751
- I loved being pregnant.
- I did, too.
85
00:04:47,753 --> 00:04:49,461
I still have fond memories
of throwing up
86
00:04:49,463 --> 00:04:51,548
in a trashcan on Third Avenue.
87
00:04:53,425 --> 00:04:54,802
Everything just felt...
88
00:04:57,471 --> 00:04:59,429
Yeah, just in alignment.
89
00:04:59,431 --> 00:05:03,433
- You're a little jealous. That's normal.
- Oh-ho, wrong, wrong!
90
00:05:03,435 --> 00:05:05,185
No, no, no. I'm not saying
I'd want to go through it again.
91
00:05:05,187 --> 00:05:06,770
Would you?
92
00:05:06,772 --> 00:05:09,231
I'm, um, not sure we have
a vote at this point.
93
00:05:09,233 --> 00:05:12,192
Trust me, I have zero baby envy.
94
00:05:12,194 --> 00:05:14,194
The only envy I have
is for the parent
95
00:05:14,196 --> 00:05:15,946
who can find
their daughter's Sit-Upon.
96
00:05:15,948 --> 00:05:17,656
Lila is driving me nuts.
97
00:05:17,658 --> 00:05:20,617
A Sit-Upon? What the fuck?
98
00:05:20,619 --> 00:05:22,494
She made it in Brownies
like a hundred years ago.
99
00:05:22,496 --> 00:05:24,580
It's basically like this
cushion that they decorate
100
00:05:24,582 --> 00:05:26,206
with like pom-poms and rickrack.
101
00:05:26,208 --> 00:05:28,125
And so at meetings
they can, you know,
102
00:05:28,127 --> 00:05:30,460
- sit... upon. That's correct.
- Upon.
103
00:05:30,462 --> 00:05:32,462
And we nicknamed it
the "petri dish pillow,"
104
00:05:32,464 --> 00:05:35,716
because it just got so freaking
disgusting and filthy over the years.
105
00:05:35,718 --> 00:05:38,969
So, anywho,
the big reunion's coming up.
106
00:05:38,971 --> 00:05:42,055
Ten little girls in my modest home.
Guess what's mandatory.
107
00:05:42,057 --> 00:05:45,267
Should I call for a
chopper and some oxygen tanks?
108
00:05:45,269 --> 00:05:49,481
- What?
- Oh, I just got it! That was a good one!
109
00:05:50,608 --> 00:05:52,693
Douchebag.
110
00:05:53,319 --> 00:05:54,945
Okay, I have a question.
111
00:05:56,030 --> 00:05:58,488
Any chance you're ordering
all this shit out of boredom?
112
00:05:58,490 --> 00:06:01,867
- Or just to torture me?
- Stop being nuts.
113
00:06:01,869 --> 00:06:04,453
- You almost done?
- No, I'm not almost done.
114
00:06:04,455 --> 00:06:06,246
Look at all this lumber!
115
00:06:06,248 --> 00:06:08,415
Is this a bed tray
or a cattle fence?
116
00:06:08,417 --> 00:06:11,001
I am so excited!
117
00:06:11,003 --> 00:06:13,211
This thing has
five adjustable angles,
118
00:06:13,213 --> 00:06:16,465
built-in USB-powered fan,
worry-free cup groove,
119
00:06:16,467 --> 00:06:18,385
and... a welcome guide.
120
00:06:20,137 --> 00:06:23,849
Sounds like God's gift. If only God
had included enough screws.
121
00:06:25,851 --> 00:06:27,601
- Here you go.
- Oh, thank you.
122
00:06:27,603 --> 00:06:29,645
See you tomorrow.
123
00:06:29,647 --> 00:06:31,855
Look, Hon.
You'll never guess.
124
00:06:31,857 --> 00:06:35,692
- Amazon Prime.
- My magnetic index cards!
125
00:06:35,694 --> 00:06:37,363
Whoo!
126
00:06:40,115 --> 00:06:41,742
What's wrong
with this picture, Diane?
127
00:06:42,868 --> 00:06:48,705
Never mind. I'll tell you.
We have an imbalanced circle rack.
128
00:06:48,707 --> 00:06:52,000
- Oh, no!
- As any child can see,
129
00:06:52,002 --> 00:06:54,544
there's an inordinate
amount of gaps and bunches.
130
00:06:54,546 --> 00:06:56,630
Each item should be
spaced out proportionately.
131
00:06:56,632 --> 00:07:00,217
- Otherwise, what do we have?
- Oh gee, Mimi, I'm stumped.
132
00:07:00,219 --> 00:07:01,885
Can you teach me?
133
00:07:01,887 --> 00:07:03,762
Non-symmetrical anarchy.
134
00:07:03,764 --> 00:07:05,849
- Oh.
- Now do your job.
135
00:07:06,934 --> 00:07:08,352
This isn't Marshalls.
136
00:07:12,982 --> 00:07:15,691
"Gaps and bunches."
137
00:07:15,693 --> 00:07:17,442
Give me a break.
138
00:07:17,444 --> 00:07:20,406
I don't see one fucking gap or bunch.
139
00:07:23,367 --> 00:07:26,287
Oh, terrific. Like I don't have
enough to deal with.
140
00:07:28,664 --> 00:07:30,581
Sweetie,
I'm having a shitty day.
141
00:07:30,583 --> 00:07:33,709
- Is this really necessary?
- Fuck off, Myrtle.
142
00:07:33,711 --> 00:07:35,586
Goddamn you!
143
00:07:35,588 --> 00:07:38,380
Get back here you little wise ass!
144
00:07:38,382 --> 00:07:41,174
Don't you dare!
Delroy! Stop!
145
00:07:41,176 --> 00:07:43,385
Ah!
146
00:07:43,387 --> 00:07:45,470
- Settle down, settle down.
- Ah! Ah!
147
00:07:45,472 --> 00:07:47,099
- Come on, Diane.
- Ugh.
148
00:07:48,392 --> 00:07:50,269
Dump her in the hole.
149
00:07:52,021 --> 00:07:53,397
Just wasting my time.
150
00:07:54,481 --> 00:07:56,648
A bet's a bet.
You owe me ten bucks.
151
00:07:56,650 --> 00:07:58,692
No fair, no fair.
You set me up.
152
00:07:58,694 --> 00:08:02,738
You knew I wouldn't know it was
suspended for All Saints' Day.
153
00:08:02,740 --> 00:08:04,281
Olivia, dear,
154
00:08:04,283 --> 00:08:06,783
is there alternate side
of the street parking today?
155
00:08:06,785 --> 00:08:09,411
- No. All Saints' Day.
- Thank you.
156
00:08:09,413 --> 00:08:11,163
- You mean, "A-ha!"
- Mmmm.
157
00:08:11,165 --> 00:08:14,166
- You mean, "I'm a gloater."
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
158
00:08:14,168 --> 00:08:16,501
You know what? This is for
you, my trusty soldier.
159
00:08:16,503 --> 00:08:20,005
- Why don't you go buy yourself a hat?
- Gee, big spender!
160
00:08:20,007 --> 00:08:22,132
Here, Frances.
I don't want his dirty money.
161
00:08:22,134 --> 00:08:25,761
No, no, no. It's yours. It's yours,
fair and square. You enjoy it.
162
00:08:25,763 --> 00:08:27,846
Okay, I just wanna
quickly ask Olivia.
163
00:08:27,848 --> 00:08:30,766
Obviously, Nia has a way
to go before college.
164
00:08:30,768 --> 00:08:33,518
- She's only four months old.
- Here we go again. Another victim.
165
00:08:33,520 --> 00:08:36,897
And I know, I know how you feel
about your beloved Michigan.
166
00:08:36,899 --> 00:08:39,900
- Easy. Leading the witness.
- Hypothetically speaking,
167
00:08:39,902 --> 00:08:42,152
it's the future;
it's Senior year.
168
00:08:42,154 --> 00:08:45,822
And she says to you, "Mom,
I don't wanna go to college."
169
00:08:45,824 --> 00:08:48,200
- This is an unfair comparison.
- Listen.
170
00:08:48,202 --> 00:08:50,118
Do you... do you back off?
171
00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:52,454
Or... or...
172
00:08:52,456 --> 00:08:54,748
do you try to persuade
her otherwise?
173
00:08:54,750 --> 00:08:56,959
Are you kidding me?
She has no say in it.
174
00:08:56,961 --> 00:08:59,461
She's wearing a Wolverines
onesie as we speak.
175
00:08:59,463 --> 00:09:01,505
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
176
00:09:01,507 --> 00:09:03,173
Slide it on over.
177
00:09:03,175 --> 00:09:04,883
Ten clams.
178
00:09:04,885 --> 00:09:06,720
Give 'em to me.
179
00:09:22,695 --> 00:09:25,529
Oh, say, what'd you
just blow up there?
180
00:09:25,531 --> 00:09:28,367
A Benz C63 S.
181
00:09:29,285 --> 00:09:32,452
- Any particular reason?
- He was a snitch.
182
00:09:32,454 --> 00:09:33,831
No one likes a snitch.
183
00:09:39,503 --> 00:09:41,753
Hey, have you seen Lila's Sit-Upon?
184
00:09:41,755 --> 00:09:45,382
- Her what?
- You know, the... her petri dish pillow.
185
00:09:45,384 --> 00:09:47,303
Uh-uh. Nope.
186
00:09:55,603 --> 00:09:57,728
Tom, you have to go to college.
187
00:09:57,730 --> 00:10:00,397
Mom, look what you just did!
188
00:10:00,399 --> 00:10:02,941
Oh God, I'm sorry.
Jeez, sue me.
189
00:10:02,943 --> 00:10:04,902
I told you.
I'm taking some time off.
190
00:10:04,904 --> 00:10:06,945
I have that right.
191
00:10:06,947 --> 00:10:09,948
Well, time off for what?
192
00:10:09,950 --> 00:10:12,367
Are there any specific plans
193
00:10:12,369 --> 00:10:15,162
or interests you wanna pursue?
194
00:10:15,164 --> 00:10:18,959
I don't... I don't know. I might
try and open a record store.
195
00:10:21,378 --> 00:10:23,881
Okay. All right.
196
00:10:24,798 --> 00:10:26,300
Here's the headline, buddy.
197
00:10:27,301 --> 00:10:31,261
You're 17.
You know nothing.
198
00:10:31,263 --> 00:10:34,473
But do know this.
You are going to college in the fall,
199
00:10:34,475 --> 00:10:38,060
and you're gonna start working
on the essay immediately.
200
00:10:38,062 --> 00:10:40,520
- End of conversation. End of conver...
- I'm not!
201
00:10:40,522 --> 00:10:42,064
I'm not going! It's a rip-off!
202
00:10:42,066 --> 00:10:43,649
Even Jackie says
it's a waste of time.
203
00:10:43,651 --> 00:10:46,735
She never went to college.
She makes crazy money.
204
00:10:46,737 --> 00:10:49,573
And meanwhile, you work
in a bird shop.
205
00:10:51,909 --> 00:10:53,992
What? Oh really?
206
00:10:53,994 --> 00:10:56,247
Well, that bird shop
pays for your...
207
00:10:57,498 --> 00:10:59,333
Grand Thief Bloodbath!
208
00:11:00,334 --> 00:11:01,710
Doesn't it?
209
00:11:04,713 --> 00:11:06,880
Hey, it's Robert.
Leave a message.
210
00:11:06,882 --> 00:11:09,675
Hey, it's me.
Listen, uh, I have to talk to you.
211
00:11:09,677 --> 00:11:11,677
It's urgent, and I really don't
wanna do it over the phone,
212
00:11:11,679 --> 00:11:14,431
so just... just call me ASAP, okay?
213
00:11:26,402 --> 00:11:28,610
Oh, dude...
214
00:11:28,612 --> 00:11:31,282
Fuck you and Jeff Bezos.
215
00:11:35,578 --> 00:11:37,786
Surprise!
216
00:11:37,788 --> 00:11:39,164
Nice ears, Helen Keller!
217
00:11:41,584 --> 00:11:43,417
- Why are you here?
- Oh God,
218
00:11:43,419 --> 00:11:47,754
it's like hugging a stuffed ape!
Any life in there, Sasquatch?
219
00:11:47,756 --> 00:11:50,883
Larry, go get Robert's present
from the back seat!
220
00:11:50,885 --> 00:11:53,345
That a boy! Let's go!
221
00:11:57,600 --> 00:12:00,601
- Oh! Excuse me.
- Sir, can you...
222
00:12:00,603 --> 00:12:02,144
keep a...
223
00:12:02,146 --> 00:12:04,271
shorter lead, a shorter lead!
224
00:12:04,273 --> 00:12:05,898
Jesus!
225
00:12:05,900 --> 00:12:07,774
So off we go, okay?
226
00:12:07,776 --> 00:12:09,693
Ohio to Parsippany.
227
00:12:09,695 --> 00:12:11,653
Ten hours, non-stop.
228
00:12:11,655 --> 00:12:14,114
I'm car sick, 'cause Larry
here rides the brakes
229
00:12:14,116 --> 00:12:17,284
like he's humping a French bulldog.
So we finally make it to corp.
230
00:12:17,286 --> 00:12:19,369
Now, bear in mind,
the DM all but promised me
231
00:12:19,371 --> 00:12:21,330
this promotion back in,
I think it was, June.
232
00:12:21,332 --> 00:12:24,666
So, I walk in,
and who's sitting there?
233
00:12:24,668 --> 00:12:28,921
Drumroll...
Scott fuckin' Wong.
234
00:12:28,923 --> 00:12:30,964
No!
235
00:12:30,966 --> 00:12:35,177
- Wait. Do you know Scott Wong?
- No, but the way she tells a story...
236
00:12:35,179 --> 00:12:36,762
Go on, Cathy.
Tell me what happened next.
237
00:12:36,764 --> 00:12:38,305
So, you have to realize,
238
00:12:38,307 --> 00:12:40,432
back when I was
desk clerk at La Quinta,
239
00:12:40,434 --> 00:12:42,935
Scott Wong was
a glorified pillow-biter,
240
00:12:42,937 --> 00:12:45,562
a colossal suck-up, okay?
241
00:12:45,564 --> 00:12:48,482
So anyway, in the end, all right,
242
00:12:48,484 --> 00:12:50,817
I drove 600 miles to learn
243
00:12:50,819 --> 00:12:53,695
that Scott Wong wormed
his way into Wyndham,
244
00:12:53,697 --> 00:12:56,242
blew corp, and sabotaged
my promotion.
245
00:12:57,284 --> 00:12:59,952
So here we are.
A couple of weary travelers
246
00:12:59,954 --> 00:13:02,079
dropping by to say howdy.
247
00:13:02,081 --> 00:13:05,668
- Unbelievable.
- Yeah, that story tracks like a dream.
248
00:13:06,669 --> 00:13:08,669
When do you guys
eat lunch around here?
249
00:13:08,671 --> 00:13:11,088
You know, my blood sugar
is in the toilet.
250
00:13:11,090 --> 00:13:13,131
Oh, don't worry, Robby
can go get you something.
251
00:13:13,133 --> 00:13:15,008
Just tell him what you want.
252
00:13:15,010 --> 00:13:17,594
You know what?
I really like this one.
253
00:13:17,596 --> 00:13:19,805
I think you finally picked a winner!
254
00:13:19,807 --> 00:13:21,348
Good for you, champ!
255
00:13:21,350 --> 00:13:23,100
Hey, Larry!
256
00:13:23,102 --> 00:13:24,851
Lose the muffs, okay?
257
00:13:24,853 --> 00:13:29,106
Join the human race.
We're gonna have a picnic!
258
00:13:29,108 --> 00:13:35,281
Never gonna get a space
like this again!
259
00:13:40,661 --> 00:13:42,703
Ha-ha-ha!
260
00:13:42,705 --> 00:13:44,830
He found your crowbar, honey!
261
00:13:44,832 --> 00:13:47,541
- Evidence.
- Mm-hmm.
262
00:13:47,543 --> 00:13:51,420
Delroy, shall we watch it
again for shits and giggles?
263
00:13:51,422 --> 00:13:54,798
Why not?
264
00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:58,093
Hmmm, what's wrong
with this picture? Anyone?
265
00:13:58,095 --> 00:14:00,470
Well, for one thing,
those circle racks have
266
00:14:00,472 --> 00:14:02,516
a lot of gaps and bunches.
267
00:14:05,102 --> 00:14:07,144
- Weird.
- Give me a break.
268
00:14:07,146 --> 00:14:09,521
You know, you really
messed up my ankle
269
00:14:09,523 --> 00:14:11,732
when you slammed me into that floor.
270
00:14:11,734 --> 00:14:14,526
- I'm in a lot of pain.
- Oh, please.
271
00:14:14,528 --> 00:14:16,778
Pop a Motrin
and go home to your cats.
272
00:14:16,780 --> 00:14:19,197
All right, I've had it
with you, Missy.
273
00:14:19,199 --> 00:14:21,867
I press one button, and your
ass will be on a chain gang.
274
00:14:21,869 --> 00:14:24,077
- Yawn.
- That's it!
275
00:14:24,079 --> 00:14:28,248
That is it! It's time to grow up...
Taylor.
276
00:14:28,250 --> 00:14:30,959
I happen to know someone
who's in jail for stealing.
277
00:14:30,961 --> 00:14:33,712
And believe me,
it's no square dance.
278
00:14:33,714 --> 00:14:37,424
You need to wise up,
get a job, be responsible.
279
00:14:37,426 --> 00:14:40,135
I had a job.
280
00:14:40,137 --> 00:14:42,596
At the Disney Store.
281
00:14:42,598 --> 00:14:46,600
- I hated it.
- Interesting. Why?
282
00:14:46,602 --> 00:14:48,268
It didn't pay well?
283
00:14:48,270 --> 00:14:50,520
Having to sell puppets all day?
284
00:14:50,522 --> 00:14:52,731
That stupid grasshopper
in a top hat with a little cane,
285
00:14:52,733 --> 00:14:54,316
and he's got that silly smirk?
286
00:14:54,318 --> 00:14:56,485
It's a cricket. Jiminy.
287
00:14:56,487 --> 00:14:59,740
Well, excuse me for not
being an entomologist, Delroy.
288
00:15:00,658 --> 00:15:03,116
No, I just...
289
00:15:03,118 --> 00:15:05,077
couldn't act all...
290
00:15:05,079 --> 00:15:08,580
fake and happy
and be nice to people.
291
00:15:08,582 --> 00:15:10,960
So they fired me.
292
00:15:13,379 --> 00:15:14,755
Yeah.
293
00:15:16,882 --> 00:15:18,384
It's hard, huh?
294
00:15:19,552 --> 00:15:26,014
Pretending to be cheery
when you're miserable?
295
00:15:26,016 --> 00:15:27,641
Yeah.
296
00:15:27,643 --> 00:15:29,478
I understand.
297
00:15:31,146 --> 00:15:34,189
Wasn't this a fun idea?
Eating outside in the fresh air?
298
00:15:34,191 --> 00:15:35,774
In the dead of winter.
299
00:15:35,776 --> 00:15:38,026
A close-minded person might've
thought it was fuckin' insane.
300
00:15:38,028 --> 00:15:39,861
I'm so happy to be out of that car.
301
00:15:39,863 --> 00:15:41,822
It really started to smell bad.
302
00:15:41,824 --> 00:15:43,824
Turns out there was
a mouse in the heat core!
303
00:15:43,826 --> 00:15:46,076
- Cooked like a meatball! Yeah!
- Gross!
304
00:15:46,078 --> 00:15:47,744
Well, I'm glad to get outside.
305
00:15:47,746 --> 00:15:49,621
I'm finally allowed to move
around a little more.
306
00:15:49,623 --> 00:15:51,582
Mmm, yeah, I always wanted kids.
307
00:15:51,584 --> 00:15:53,709
I was diagnosed
with a caustic uterus.
308
00:15:53,711 --> 00:15:55,586
Labs came back and turned out I had
309
00:15:55,588 --> 00:15:58,755
- more acid than a truck battery.
- Nature in its infinite wisdom.
310
00:15:58,757 --> 00:16:01,258
And Larry's sperm,
what little there was of it,
311
00:16:01,260 --> 00:16:03,760
didn't have a chance. It was
like swimming into a bonfire.
312
00:16:03,762 --> 00:16:06,138
But, you know, that's life.
313
00:16:06,140 --> 00:16:07,764
You either get
Wonged out of a promotion,
314
00:16:07,766 --> 00:16:10,601
or end up spending half your paycheck
taking care of Dad at the nursing home.
315
00:16:10,603 --> 00:16:13,729
There it is.
Finally.
316
00:16:13,731 --> 00:16:15,731
The tedious wind-up has ended.
317
00:16:15,733 --> 00:16:17,524
- What?
- You damn well know
318
00:16:17,526 --> 00:16:19,735
I pay for everything
when it comes to Dad.
319
00:16:19,737 --> 00:16:21,361
- Oh?
- The private room,
320
00:16:21,363 --> 00:16:23,572
the food upgrade,
the electric wheelchair,
321
00:16:23,574 --> 00:16:26,491
that fucking balloon-twisting
idiot at casino night.
322
00:16:26,493 --> 00:16:28,911
Sweat equity, Robert.
You can look it up.
323
00:16:28,913 --> 00:16:32,331
The sweat equity that it takes
to wheel him into the Sunshine Room,
324
00:16:32,333 --> 00:16:34,082
so he can see the fucking goldfish!
325
00:16:34,084 --> 00:16:36,710
Or push him outside, so he
can watch the trucks go by!
326
00:16:36,712 --> 00:16:39,046
Or the sweat equity it takes
to hold his penis,
327
00:16:39,048 --> 00:16:41,465
so he can piss in a cup
without baptizing the walls!
328
00:16:41,467 --> 00:16:43,800
What the fuck is wrong
with you, you psycho?
329
00:16:43,802 --> 00:16:46,887
That is a job for
a male nurse, Cathy!
330
00:16:46,889 --> 00:16:49,556
Keep your hands off Dad's penis!
331
00:16:49,558 --> 00:16:51,350
You need to crack
your wallet, Shylock.
332
00:16:51,352 --> 00:16:53,977
All right? If I wanna get
robbed, I'll go to Tijuana.
333
00:16:53,979 --> 00:16:55,896
Look, okay, there's
something to be said
334
00:16:55,898 --> 00:16:57,481
for putting real time in, Robby.
335
00:16:57,483 --> 00:16:59,107
Just stay out of it, Jackie.
You don't understand
336
00:16:59,109 --> 00:17:01,109
what's happening here.
This shit pre-dates you.
337
00:17:01,111 --> 00:17:05,072
It's a fucking shakedown!
Am I right or am I wrong, Larry?
338
00:17:05,074 --> 00:17:06,450
Leave him out of it!
339
00:17:22,049 --> 00:17:23,966
Do you know the gas, time,
and effort that goes into
340
00:17:23,968 --> 00:17:26,385
bringing him an Oreo Blast
from Sonic
341
00:17:26,387 --> 00:17:28,095
and hosing him down afterwards?
342
00:17:28,097 --> 00:17:30,055
Dairy gives him explosive diarrhea.
343
00:17:30,057 --> 00:17:33,100
- I know!
- I should have you fucking arrested!
344
00:17:33,102 --> 00:17:37,856
- Robert?
- Oh, he goes. He goes!
345
00:17:41,527 --> 00:17:42,903
Robert?
346
00:17:43,654 --> 00:17:45,779
Hey. What's going on?
347
00:17:45,781 --> 00:17:49,366
Hey, mildly curious...
where's your cell phone?
348
00:17:49,368 --> 00:17:51,660
Um, I don't know.
It's around somewhere.
349
00:17:51,662 --> 00:17:53,495
Oh, that's perfect.
350
00:17:53,497 --> 00:17:55,831
Okay, well, can you step in here
for a second, so you and...
351
00:17:55,833 --> 00:17:58,125
Is that who I think it is?
352
00:17:58,127 --> 00:18:01,128
Well, strike up the band,
Barbie's here!
353
00:18:01,130 --> 00:18:03,422
It was an ambush.
You should've called first.
354
00:18:03,424 --> 00:18:07,384
Hey Boney Maroney, I want a hug.
Can I get a hug?
355
00:18:07,386 --> 00:18:11,763
Come on!
356
00:18:11,765 --> 00:18:15,475
Cathy.
Oh, Cathy, Cathy.
357
00:18:15,477 --> 00:18:18,770
What a... what a...
what a disturbing surprise.
358
00:18:18,772 --> 00:18:21,189
You're telling me.
I thought we got rid of you.
359
00:18:21,191 --> 00:18:24,192
But like they say, even a blind
dog finds its way home, right?
360
00:18:24,194 --> 00:18:29,406
Yes, yes. And recalls fondly
why it left in the first place.
361
00:18:29,408 --> 00:18:31,700
Mmmm!
362
00:18:31,702 --> 00:18:35,287
You are right, these
Harvest Bowls are so good!
363
00:18:35,289 --> 00:18:38,123
Mm-hmm. But aren't they like
a million calories?
364
00:18:38,125 --> 00:18:40,169
Not if you get it without the rice.
365
00:18:41,253 --> 00:18:43,005
You're a genius, and I love you.
366
00:18:46,508 --> 00:18:47,885
Thank you.
367
00:18:49,053 --> 00:18:53,138
- Damn, you got Sweetgreen?
- I'm on the walkie, you know.
368
00:18:53,140 --> 00:18:54,516
Hmm.
369
00:18:57,311 --> 00:18:59,686
I don't know what
to say anymore, Taylor.
370
00:18:59,688 --> 00:19:01,438
I'm worn out.
371
00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:04,316
- Who is this old man?
- My grandfather.
372
00:19:04,318 --> 00:19:06,109
But you can't live with me anymore.
373
00:19:06,111 --> 00:19:08,153
You're gonna have to go
to Gail and Andy's.
374
00:19:08,155 --> 00:19:10,113
- If they'll take you.
- In Harrisburg?
375
00:19:10,115 --> 00:19:12,783
That is so mean!
I can't move there!
376
00:19:12,785 --> 00:19:15,204
Well, I'm sorry.
You had enough warnings.
377
00:19:18,082 --> 00:19:20,707
No. Wrong approach, Grandpa.
378
00:19:20,709 --> 00:19:22,584
This is a good girl here.
379
00:19:22,586 --> 00:19:25,087
She needs guidance, not warnings.
380
00:19:25,089 --> 00:19:26,465
See this?
381
00:19:27,508 --> 00:19:30,759
Voila!
Absolved.
382
00:19:30,761 --> 00:19:32,761
She's innocent.
383
00:19:32,763 --> 00:19:36,557
Now, you apologize to her
about that Gail and Andy shit.
384
00:19:36,559 --> 00:19:38,141
And then you know
what you're gonna do?
385
00:19:38,143 --> 00:19:40,435
You are gonna take her
to the third floor,
386
00:19:40,437 --> 00:19:43,814
and you're gonna buy her that
leather jacket that she tried to steal.
387
00:19:43,816 --> 00:19:46,193
It's called communication.
388
00:19:49,071 --> 00:19:51,699
You have it in her size?
389
00:19:52,908 --> 00:19:54,741
So anyway, I told that cop.
390
00:19:54,743 --> 00:19:56,827
I said, "Fine, come on, give
me the ticket."
391
00:19:56,829 --> 00:19:59,162
- Hey, Frances.
- Oh, hey, Jackie.
392
00:19:59,164 --> 00:20:03,041
"But I'm gonna fight it,
and I'm gonna tell the judge
393
00:20:03,043 --> 00:20:06,044
- that you were staring at my crotch."
- Isn't Cathy fun?
394
00:20:06,046 --> 00:20:10,173
Oh.
Gosh, Cathy is so many things.
395
00:20:10,175 --> 00:20:14,845
It's... it's hard to whittle it
down to just one imprecise word.
396
00:20:14,847 --> 00:20:16,513
Hmm.
397
00:20:16,515 --> 00:20:19,308
Wow, you finally ditched
that smelly Lustre-Creme?
398
00:20:19,310 --> 00:20:22,603
I think they stopped making
Lustre-Creme in 1953.
399
00:20:22,605 --> 00:20:26,440
Much more your era. Say, is it me,
or did you shrink an inch or two?
400
00:20:26,442 --> 00:20:30,611
Nah, it's just those flashy,
money-maker stilettos you're wearing.
401
00:20:30,613 --> 00:20:33,196
We all gotta sell
our ass somehow, right?
402
00:20:33,198 --> 00:20:34,783
Just their little dance.
403
00:20:36,410 --> 00:20:39,036
Larry, it's garbage!
Drag it to the curb!
404
00:20:39,038 --> 00:20:41,496
What'd you bring it
in here for, show and tell?
405
00:20:41,498 --> 00:20:43,165
Jeez. Hi, Larry.
How you doin'?
406
00:20:43,167 --> 00:20:45,500
But I guess I assume that's
sort of a dumb question.
407
00:20:45,502 --> 00:20:48,337
He can't hear you.
Metallica, full blast.
408
00:20:48,339 --> 00:20:51,131
Okay, okay. Can I grab
you for a few minutes?
409
00:20:51,133 --> 00:20:54,134
- Me?
- No.
410
00:20:54,136 --> 00:20:57,054
But you know what, Cathy?
Tell Jackie that fun story
411
00:20:57,056 --> 00:20:59,556
about how you got kicked
out of the dinner theater
412
00:20:59,558 --> 00:21:03,352
for stalking Tom Wopat.
413
00:21:03,354 --> 00:21:06,521
Oh, anyway, the lights had
gone out during halftime, right?
414
00:21:06,523 --> 00:21:10,150
She has no business sharing
her opinions with him.
415
00:21:10,152 --> 00:21:13,779
It's disrespectful to us, but
especially me, his mother.
416
00:21:13,781 --> 00:21:16,031
Just find this hard to believe.
417
00:21:16,033 --> 00:21:18,283
What does he claim she said exactly?
418
00:21:18,285 --> 00:21:21,161
Oh, um, you know, "Well, Jackie
says college is a waste of time.
419
00:21:21,163 --> 00:21:23,747
Jackie never went to college,
and Jackie makes crazy money."
420
00:21:23,749 --> 00:21:26,917
- Why would he make it up?
- Okay, so clearly something was said,
421
00:21:26,919 --> 00:21:30,587
and we don't know...
Wait a second.
422
00:21:30,589 --> 00:21:34,967
How did this conversation even happen?
Are you winding him up?
423
00:21:34,969 --> 00:21:37,177
Yeah, we-we agreed to lay off.
424
00:21:37,179 --> 00:21:39,304
Well, I don't...
425
00:21:39,306 --> 00:21:43,310
I don't know that we
necessarily agreed to lay off.
426
00:21:45,479 --> 00:21:47,563
We said briefly,
so I was... I was brief.
427
00:21:47,565 --> 00:21:49,565
That's bullshit and you know it.
428
00:21:49,567 --> 00:21:52,651
You and I have a clear understanding
when it comes to these kids, Frances.
429
00:21:52,653 --> 00:21:54,903
It's an alliance, and you're
fucking around with that.
430
00:21:54,905 --> 00:21:56,822
All right, well, you know what?
It needs to be dealt with,
431
00:21:56,824 --> 00:21:59,866
- so let's figure it out.
- Just don't worry about it.
432
00:21:59,868 --> 00:22:05,539
- He's going to college in the fall.
- You bet.
433
00:22:05,541 --> 00:22:07,291
Let me talk to Jackie.
434
00:22:07,293 --> 00:22:10,838
She's all yours...
as soon as I finish.
435
00:22:14,258 --> 00:22:17,217
Um, Jackie, are you
in the middle of something?
436
00:22:17,219 --> 00:22:19,970
Yes, I'm ordering Chia seeds.
What's up?
437
00:22:19,972 --> 00:22:22,222
Just a question, um...
438
00:22:22,224 --> 00:22:26,351
Do you recall ever suggesting to Tom
that he shouldn't go to college?
439
00:22:26,353 --> 00:22:28,645
No. Why would I do that?
440
00:22:28,647 --> 00:22:31,440
You didn't tell him that
college was a waste of time?
441
00:22:31,442 --> 00:22:34,151
Uh, we may have
talked about college,
442
00:22:34,153 --> 00:22:36,695
but it was just
a general conversation.
443
00:22:36,697 --> 00:22:39,907
Okay, so you didn't
try to persuade him
444
00:22:39,909 --> 00:22:43,994
- that he shouldn't go?
- I didn't push him either way. I...
445
00:22:43,996 --> 00:22:46,872
I may have said it's not for
everybody, and it wasn't for me.
446
00:22:46,874 --> 00:22:49,333
A-ha! Exactly!
447
00:22:49,335 --> 00:22:51,960
Well, see, for him that was a push.
448
00:22:51,962 --> 00:22:53,879
And now he says he's not going,
449
00:22:53,881 --> 00:22:56,757
which was not particularly helpful
to me, to Robert, or to Tom.
450
00:22:56,759 --> 00:22:59,843
So I'm not allowed
to have a conversation
451
00:22:59,845 --> 00:23:04,056
with my stepson in my own home
where he lives half the time
452
00:23:04,058 --> 00:23:06,391
- where I cook his meals?
- No.
453
00:23:06,393 --> 00:23:10,229
No, there are subjects with
my kids... with our kids...
454
00:23:10,231 --> 00:23:11,772
that are off limits.
455
00:23:11,774 --> 00:23:14,149
You haven't earned
those conversations,
456
00:23:14,151 --> 00:23:18,948
and I really need you to respect that.
457
00:23:23,285 --> 00:23:26,662
God, if we could bottle
the envy in her eyes,
458
00:23:26,664 --> 00:23:30,249
we could blow up Russia.
Get over it, Farrah.
459
00:23:30,251 --> 00:23:33,377
Robert planted one in her belly,
and now you're in the rear view.
460
00:23:33,379 --> 00:23:36,757
- So go find a life.
- Cathy, shut the fuck up.
461
00:23:37,675 --> 00:23:41,093
Cathy, I know this is not
like a bombshell headline...
462
00:23:41,095 --> 00:23:44,680
but every single word
that comes out of your mouth
463
00:23:44,682 --> 00:23:47,558
is designed to make
someone feel shitty.
464
00:23:47,560 --> 00:23:50,227
And normally, I could give a shit,
465
00:23:50,229 --> 00:23:53,021
because I have the misfortune
of knowing you so well.
466
00:23:53,023 --> 00:23:55,148
But this time, you did it.
467
00:23:55,150 --> 00:23:56,858
You made me feel shitty.
468
00:23:56,860 --> 00:23:58,735
So congratulations.
469
00:23:58,737 --> 00:24:00,529
Once again, I'm cast as the villain.
470
00:24:00,531 --> 00:24:02,531
Because you are the villain!
471
00:24:02,533 --> 00:24:05,242
You're that fucking
white runt from Middle Earth.
472
00:24:05,244 --> 00:24:07,035
And you're a misogynist!
473
00:24:07,037 --> 00:24:09,746
You can't handle a strong
and independent woman!
474
00:24:09,748 --> 00:24:11,832
That's why you surround
yourself with these bimbos.
475
00:24:11,834 --> 00:24:13,961
- Okay, bitch.
- Okay, checking out.
476
00:24:16,005 --> 00:24:18,255
- Oh, boy!
- How is this funny?
477
00:24:18,257 --> 00:24:20,465
- You should be pissed.
- Jackie, I'm sorry,
478
00:24:20,467 --> 00:24:24,553
but when you married Robert,
you inherited all of his accessories.
479
00:24:24,555 --> 00:24:27,266
It's not my problem anymore.
I'm free.
480
00:24:30,144 --> 00:24:31,520
Hey.
481
00:24:32,479 --> 00:24:36,942
Hey. Good-bye, Larry.
Stay strong.
482
00:24:38,986 --> 00:24:41,778
Oh, have you seen Lila's Sit-Upon?
483
00:24:41,780 --> 00:24:44,114
- The petri dish pillow?
- Yeah.
484
00:24:44,116 --> 00:24:47,242
No...
Wait, did we lose it?
485
00:24:47,244 --> 00:24:48,621
I don't know.
486
00:24:49,330 --> 00:24:51,163
I'll call the renters.
487
00:24:51,165 --> 00:24:54,499
I'll see if they let me
in the garage to look for it.
488
00:24:54,501 --> 00:24:55,961
What's a petri dish pillow?
489
00:24:57,296 --> 00:25:02,676
It's too hard to explain.
490
00:25:13,270 --> 00:25:14,647
How do you do it, Larry?
491
00:25:15,439 --> 00:25:18,857
Not to dredge up
less happier times, but...
492
00:25:18,859 --> 00:25:23,111
ever since you tried to kill yourself,
you just seem weirdly at peace.
493
00:25:23,113 --> 00:25:24,490
What's the secret?
494
00:25:28,327 --> 00:25:30,369
Larry, wait!
495
00:25:30,371 --> 00:25:33,497
Move your fat ass and put
that crap in the cooler!
496
00:25:33,499 --> 00:25:35,123
Jesus.
497
00:25:35,125 --> 00:25:36,961
So much is said in silence.
498
00:25:39,463 --> 00:25:41,257
Stay gold, Larry.
499
00:25:43,551 --> 00:25:47,427
You know, it's hurtful that you don't
appreciate all that I do for Dad.
500
00:25:47,429 --> 00:25:49,137
You don't live there,
so you don't know.
501
00:25:49,139 --> 00:25:52,182
I'll send you
three grand in the mail.
502
00:25:52,184 --> 00:25:53,725
Don't come up here again.
503
00:25:53,727 --> 00:25:55,644
Done.
504
00:25:55,646 --> 00:26:00,148
Larry, it's just a few bags,
not a Chinese slat puzzle!
505
00:26:00,150 --> 00:26:02,943
Jam 'em in
and let's blow this shitbox!
506
00:26:02,945 --> 00:26:05,114
God!
507
00:26:10,494 --> 00:26:13,161
I can't believe you didn't
have my back with Frances.
508
00:26:13,163 --> 00:26:16,999
You just fucking stood there.
It was so insulting.
509
00:26:17,001 --> 00:26:20,335
You're married to me now, remember?
510
00:26:20,337 --> 00:26:23,382
God, I'm sick of this shit.
511
00:26:33,976 --> 00:26:38,147
So much is said in silence.
512
00:26:54,121 --> 00:26:56,914
- Hi! You made it!
- Yeah, I'm sorry I'm late,
513
00:26:56,916 --> 00:26:59,374
but I'll be... I'll be really
fast and be really quiet.
514
00:26:59,376 --> 00:27:01,668
Oh, no worries, the key's
still under the flower pot.
515
00:27:01,670 --> 00:27:03,047
Okay, thanks.
516
00:28:09,660 --> 00:28:14,660
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