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3
00:00:57,577 --> 00:01:02,347
I'm so sorry, this is the
story of Charlotte and Brandon,
4
00:01:02,349 --> 00:01:04,349
they love my TV show.
5
00:01:04,351 --> 00:01:07,686
Oatmeal, exercise,
well, sort of.
6
00:01:07,688 --> 00:01:10,122
They both hate sleeping alone.
7
00:01:10,124 --> 00:01:12,558
Beer and hairy nipples.
8
00:01:12,560 --> 00:01:15,494
The good news is they
are a perfect match.
9
00:01:15,496 --> 00:01:17,563
The bad news is,
they have never met.
10
00:01:17,565 --> 00:01:21,968
And Charlotte is with Steven
while Brandon is with Ashley.
11
00:01:28,108 --> 00:01:28,976
Oh, um.
12
00:01:30,377 --> 00:01:32,377
Well, I can't marry you
13
00:01:32,379 --> 00:01:35,214
because I'm marrying
someone else in May.
14
00:01:35,216 --> 00:01:37,483
You don't even
have a boyfriend.
15
00:01:37,485 --> 00:01:39,753
Well, actually I do.
16
00:01:40,387 --> 00:01:43,222
We've been together since
high school, for 14 years.
17
00:01:43,224 --> 00:01:45,123
It's just that he's been
living very far away
18
00:01:45,125 --> 00:01:47,759
and now, he's moving back
so we can be together.
19
00:01:47,761 --> 00:01:49,428
14 years?
20
00:01:49,430 --> 00:01:51,531
Sounds like commitment issues.
21
00:01:51,533 --> 00:01:53,199
No, it's just
that he was waiting
22
00:01:53,201 --> 00:01:55,635
until we were both ready.
23
00:01:55,637 --> 00:01:57,637
Why am I defending
myself to a first grader?
24
00:01:57,639 --> 00:02:00,174
Well, when it all falls apart,
you know where to find me.
25
00:02:01,175 --> 00:02:03,409
Look, Lance, we've
done all the graphics
26
00:02:03,411 --> 00:02:07,446
for your packaging and prints
ads at very reasonable rates.
27
00:02:07,448 --> 00:02:10,717
We've created the signature
look for Be Yourself Cosmetics.
28
00:02:10,719 --> 00:02:14,387
Now, it's great that your
nephew's a whiz at Photoshop
29
00:02:14,389 --> 00:02:15,756
but believe me,
there's just so much...
30
00:02:15,758 --> 00:02:17,290
Screw you, Lance!
31
00:02:17,292 --> 00:02:19,359
And your oxymoronically
named product
32
00:02:19,361 --> 00:02:21,730
and your muttonheaded
fucktard nephew!
33
00:02:23,231 --> 00:02:24,664
Christ, are you off your meds?
34
00:02:24,666 --> 00:02:26,132
That's our biggest account!
35
00:02:26,134 --> 00:02:28,735
He's an asshole,
Brandon, asshole.
36
00:02:28,737 --> 00:02:31,170
Bro, I went to RISD
with Seth MacFarlane,
37
00:02:31,172 --> 00:02:32,674
I don't need that shit!
38
00:02:33,642 --> 00:02:35,508
That asshole was paying
off my student loans.
39
00:02:35,510 --> 00:02:37,710
Yeah, and our bills.
40
00:02:37,712 --> 00:02:38,581
Shit!
41
00:02:40,416 --> 00:02:43,450
You think you can get
him back on the phone?
42
00:02:43,452 --> 00:02:45,353
I'm still
here you broke bitches.
43
00:02:59,734 --> 00:03:00,733
For you.
44
00:03:00,735 --> 00:03:01,668
Thank you.
45
00:03:01,670 --> 00:03:02,636
My pleasure.
46
00:03:02,638 --> 00:03:04,705
You're a
pretty decent drawer.
47
00:03:04,707 --> 00:03:05,741
Thank you.
48
00:03:07,710 --> 00:03:11,378
You know, I've been called
the Vermeer of napkin art.
49
00:03:11,380 --> 00:03:12,248
Who?
50
00:03:13,549 --> 00:03:16,317
Did I leave my amethyst
necklace at your place?
51
00:03:16,319 --> 00:03:18,318
Yeah, yeah, think I
saw it in the bathroom.
52
00:03:18,320 --> 00:03:20,788
Okay, remind me to
get that from you.
53
00:03:20,790 --> 00:03:23,557
So, my boss gave us free tickets
54
00:03:23,559 --> 00:03:25,693
to the Charger's game Sunday.
55
00:03:25,695 --> 00:03:26,563
Wanna go?
56
00:03:28,564 --> 00:03:30,433
The 405 on a Sunday?
57
00:03:34,670 --> 00:03:36,305
Okay, I'll drive.
58
00:03:37,473 --> 00:03:39,707
Yeah, you know I'm not
really into drunk crowds
59
00:03:39,709 --> 00:03:42,545
and football, or people.
60
00:03:42,778 --> 00:03:43,911
Of course.
61
00:03:43,913 --> 00:03:45,746
What's that mean?
62
00:03:45,748 --> 00:03:48,649
You know, I have dated
guys with commitment issues.
63
00:03:48,651 --> 00:03:49,617
Lot's of them.
64
00:03:49,619 --> 00:03:50,719
Pretty standard stuff, but you,
65
00:03:50,721 --> 00:03:53,588
I can't even get you to
commit to a football game.
66
00:03:53,590 --> 00:03:55,255
Well, I don't like football.
67
00:03:55,257 --> 00:03:56,891
It's not that,
it's everything.
68
00:03:56,893 --> 00:03:57,892
You won't go to Coachella.
69
00:03:57,894 --> 00:03:59,628
You won't move in together
70
00:03:59,630 --> 00:04:00,562
because that would
be moving too fast.
71
00:04:00,564 --> 00:04:02,931
You won't even book
that cruise next summer
72
00:04:02,933 --> 00:04:05,532
because a lot can
happen in six months!
73
00:04:05,534 --> 00:04:07,301
Those tickets
are non-refundable.
74
00:04:07,303 --> 00:04:09,470
And you're a cheapskate!
75
00:04:09,472 --> 00:04:10,772
Which is why I thought
you'd like the free tickets
76
00:04:10,774 --> 00:04:11,973
in the first place!
77
00:04:11,975 --> 00:04:13,474
I'm not cheap,
my money's tied up.
78
00:04:13,476 --> 00:04:14,743
And I can't go to the game
79
00:04:14,745 --> 00:04:17,579
because I wanna start training
for that Rwanda charity ride.
80
00:04:17,581 --> 00:04:19,214
You know, where
people are dying.
81
00:04:19,216 --> 00:04:21,616
Yeah, like that's
gonna happen.
82
00:04:21,618 --> 00:04:22,853
Ashley, Ashley.
83
00:04:24,388 --> 00:04:26,721
Okay, you're right.
84
00:04:26,723 --> 00:04:27,591
I'm sorry.
85
00:04:28,725 --> 00:04:32,927
Let's do it Ashley, you and
me, Coachella next year.
86
00:04:32,929 --> 00:04:33,895
Ugh!
87
00:04:33,897 --> 00:04:35,664
Oh, my god.
88
00:04:35,666 --> 00:04:37,565
You have to see this house.
89
00:04:37,567 --> 00:04:39,902
It has an entertainment room
that would be so perfect
90
00:04:39,904 --> 00:04:41,537
for you to have
your buddies over
91
00:04:41,539 --> 00:04:43,505
so you can watch your
football matches, and then...
92
00:04:43,507 --> 00:04:45,607
It's games, it's not matches.
93
00:04:45,609 --> 00:04:47,910
Uhm, anyway, there's
a chef's kitchen,
94
00:04:47,912 --> 00:04:49,678
newly remodeled bathrooms,
95
00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:53,883
there's a study that would
make a perfect nursery.
96
00:04:53,885 --> 00:04:57,585
I think maybe we should
hold off on the house.
97
00:04:57,587 --> 00:04:58,653
Why?
98
00:04:58,655 --> 00:05:02,758
I just got here, you
know, starting a new job.
99
00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:04,460
There's a lot to figure out.
100
00:05:04,462 --> 00:05:07,732
You don't have to
figure us out, right?
101
00:05:09,701 --> 00:05:11,534
You do?
102
00:05:11,536 --> 00:05:13,301
Now, Charlotte,
just wait a minute.
103
00:05:13,303 --> 00:05:15,303
No, no, no no, no,
I am not waiting.
104
00:05:15,305 --> 00:05:17,673
I waited through college,
through med school
105
00:05:17,675 --> 00:05:18,641
and through your residency.
106
00:05:18,643 --> 00:05:20,341
That was the plan.
107
00:05:20,343 --> 00:05:22,645
I know, I know, and
you've been so great
108
00:05:22,647 --> 00:05:23,679
through all of that.
109
00:05:23,681 --> 00:05:24,612
Is there someone else?
110
00:05:24,614 --> 00:05:26,016
Is it that Nurse Newcombe?
111
00:05:26,018 --> 00:05:27,616
No, no way.
112
00:05:27,618 --> 00:05:28,752
Well, then what is it?
113
00:05:28,754 --> 00:05:30,621
It's just, you,
114
00:05:32,024 --> 00:05:33,723
so predictable.
115
00:05:33,725 --> 00:05:35,725
Wha, wha, wha, what the heck
does that mean?
116
00:05:35,727 --> 00:05:38,728
Up every morning at 6:00 a. m. ,
the same Honey Nut Oatmeal,
117
00:05:38,730 --> 00:05:41,330
you're off to work, back home,
then in bed at 10 o'clock.
118
00:05:41,332 --> 00:05:42,698
You don't follow sports.
119
00:05:42,700 --> 00:05:44,700
Sex, missionary position
with the lights off.
120
00:05:44,702 --> 00:05:46,502
There's no surprises.
121
00:05:46,504 --> 00:05:48,871
I'm bored out of my mind.
122
00:05:48,873 --> 00:05:52,542
Well, I didn't know it
was so horrible for you.
123
00:05:52,544 --> 00:05:55,779
Well that explains the
engagement ring,
124
00:05:55,781 --> 00:05:59,950
the promise ring and the
pre-promise ring.
125
00:05:59,952 --> 00:06:03,254
14 years, Steven!
126
00:06:03,554 --> 00:06:07,356
In hindsight, I probably
should have done this sooner.
127
00:06:07,358 --> 00:06:09,391
Did you bring me up here
so I wouldn't make a scene?
128
00:06:09,393 --> 00:06:10,459
Because I am gonna make a scene.
129
00:06:10,461 --> 00:06:11,827
I'm gonna tell
everybody in town.
130
00:06:11,829 --> 00:06:12,762
I'm gonna announce
it in church...
131
00:06:12,764 --> 00:06:13,897
Charlotte,
132
00:06:13,899 --> 00:06:15,632
- would you please just...
- I'm gonna put posters up...
133
00:06:15,634 --> 00:06:16,867
Hey, calm down
and hydrate, please.
134
00:06:16,869 --> 00:06:20,637
Don't you tell me to
hydrate, you jackass!
135
00:06:28,547 --> 00:06:30,314
Steven, are you okay?
136
00:06:31,984 --> 00:06:33,817
Fuck no!
137
00:06:33,819 --> 00:06:35,752
We find the
defendant, Charlotte Wells,
138
00:06:35,754 --> 00:06:38,923
guilty of criminal
assault and battery.
139
00:06:38,925 --> 00:06:41,391
If you complete
community service,
140
00:06:41,393 --> 00:06:44,361
anger management
classes and probation,
141
00:06:44,363 --> 00:06:46,663
the felony charge
will be expunged.
142
00:06:46,665 --> 00:06:49,035
Sentence is 30 days in jail.
143
00:06:53,106 --> 00:06:55,405
Don't tell me how
to live my life.
144
00:06:55,407 --> 00:06:56,873
Yes sir, motherfucker.
145
00:06:56,875 --> 00:06:58,677
Goddamn fucking shit.
146
00:07:01,113 --> 00:07:05,082
I gotta do me, fuck all y'all
if you can't appreciate!
147
00:07:05,084 --> 00:07:05,952
Step off!
148
00:07:07,420 --> 00:07:09,120
Who do you think you
are, Princess Elsa?
149
00:07:09,122 --> 00:07:11,656
It's not goddamn Arendelle.
150
00:07:11,658 --> 00:07:12,926
Skinny ass bitch!
151
00:07:36,449 --> 00:07:37,016
Ash?
152
00:07:37,817 --> 00:07:38,685
Ashley?
153
00:07:42,188 --> 00:07:43,756
Oh, yeah
154
00:07:47,093 --> 00:07:48,127
Give it baby
155
00:07:50,931 --> 00:07:54,066
That's what I'm
talking about, baby
156
00:07:54,068 --> 00:07:56,068
Ow, ow, hot, hot, hot.
157
00:07:56,070 --> 00:07:57,803
I'm on fire.
158
00:07:57,805 --> 00:07:58,672
Oh, yeah.
159
00:08:02,776 --> 00:08:06,711
Somebody's
earning their lunch money.
160
00:08:06,713 --> 00:08:07,780
Oh, yeah.
161
00:08:13,954 --> 00:08:15,621
Jesus, Brandon,
what can I say?
162
00:08:15,623 --> 00:08:18,857
She's a treacherous whore,
you're better off without her.
163
00:08:18,859 --> 00:08:20,759
You're gonna give
yourself a heart attack.
164
00:08:20,761 --> 00:08:21,996
What've you gone,
165
00:08:23,130 --> 00:08:24,062
a mile and a half?
166
00:08:24,064 --> 00:08:26,632
Shit, you're in terrible shape.
167
00:08:26,634 --> 00:08:30,535
I bought this bike
so that I could get fit
168
00:08:30,537 --> 00:08:32,738
and do the Rwanda ride.
169
00:08:32,740 --> 00:08:34,640
You ever seen me on it?
170
00:08:34,642 --> 00:08:36,074
No.
171
00:08:36,076 --> 00:08:37,644
The whore's right, Dan.
172
00:08:37,646 --> 00:08:40,545
I can't commit to
anything, especially women.
173
00:08:40,547 --> 00:08:42,714
Which explains why
I've had 50 girlfriends
174
00:08:42,716 --> 00:08:45,051
in the past 10 years.
175
00:08:45,053 --> 00:08:47,721
I can get 'em but
I can't keep 'em.
176
00:08:48,555 --> 00:08:50,589
I want a lasting love, Dan.
177
00:08:50,591 --> 00:08:51,492
I wanna be married.
178
00:08:52,526 --> 00:08:55,094
You have had a run of
lousy luck with women.
179
00:08:55,096 --> 00:08:57,095
Luck has nothing to
do with it, it's me.
180
00:08:57,097 --> 00:08:58,597
It has to be me.
181
00:08:58,599 --> 00:09:00,098
I have to change, Dan.
182
00:09:00,100 --> 00:09:03,438
Come on champ, you stink,
let's go get a shower.
183
00:09:11,179 --> 00:09:11,744
Welcome home, girl.
184
00:09:11,746 --> 00:09:14,280
Oh my god!
185
00:09:14,282 --> 00:09:15,580
Ow!
186
00:09:15,582 --> 00:09:17,516
- Oh, my god.
- Ow, ow, ow, ow ow ow!
187
00:09:17,518 --> 00:09:18,952
I'm so sorry.
188
00:09:18,954 --> 00:09:21,753
Carly, I'm so sorry,
it's my prison reflexes.
189
00:09:21,755 --> 00:09:22,721
Fuck that hurt!
190
00:09:22,723 --> 00:09:24,960
Oh my god, you are so strong.
191
00:09:27,129 --> 00:09:29,163
Is it sick that I envy you?
192
00:09:29,165 --> 00:09:30,997
You're an ass kicker now.
193
00:09:30,999 --> 00:09:33,300
You look great,
you've lost weight.
194
00:09:33,302 --> 00:09:34,368
Man, I wanna go to jail.
195
00:09:34,370 --> 00:09:38,604
Oh yeah, everybody
should, and it's so simple.
196
00:09:38,606 --> 00:09:39,973
All you have to do is
spend half your life
197
00:09:39,975 --> 00:09:43,042
in a disastrous relationship
and commit a felony.
198
00:09:43,044 --> 00:09:45,278
Okay, none of
which was your fault.
199
00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:47,647
It was all my fault.
200
00:09:47,649 --> 00:09:51,151
Look, okay, I read online
that the average woman
201
00:09:51,153 --> 00:09:52,686
will have four serious
relationship before she gets
202
00:09:52,688 --> 00:09:54,587
married. So, at the
rate you're going,
203
00:09:54,589 --> 00:09:56,689
you're not gonna get
married till like you're 84.
204
00:09:56,691 --> 00:09:58,759
You need to get right
back on the horse.
205
00:09:58,761 --> 00:10:00,060
How?
206
00:10:00,062 --> 00:10:02,096
I have nothing to offer.
207
00:10:02,098 --> 00:10:04,198
Men just want some spontaneous,
208
00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:06,634
unpredictable sexual deviant.
209
00:10:07,069 --> 00:10:08,701
Girl, you're giving
men too much credit.
210
00:10:08,703 --> 00:10:09,969
They're simple beasts.
211
00:10:09,971 --> 00:10:12,772
All's they crave is
sex, sports, beer, food
212
00:10:12,774 --> 00:10:14,342
and sometimes a little anal.
213
00:10:14,344 --> 00:10:15,176
Really?
214
00:10:15,178 --> 00:10:15,843
Really.
215
00:10:15,845 --> 00:10:16,710
Really?
216
00:10:16,712 --> 00:10:18,245
Really.
217
00:10:18,247 --> 00:10:20,781
Okay, if that's what men want,
218
00:10:20,783 --> 00:10:22,950
then that is what
I'm gonna give them.
219
00:10:22,952 --> 00:10:25,686
Except that last part,
not gonna happen.
220
00:10:25,688 --> 00:10:26,854
SCHWEITZER POLIZEI
FRAU: Yeah, yeah,
221
00:10:26,856 --> 00:10:29,089
we've all seen the
makeover sequence
222
00:10:29,091 --> 00:10:30,960
so I won't bore you with it.
223
00:10:53,949 --> 00:10:56,717
Kapernick, Manning,
Brees, cradle the balls!
224
00:10:56,719 --> 00:10:57,818
Work the shaft!
225
00:10:57,820 --> 00:10:58,952
Yes!
226
00:10:58,954 --> 00:11:01,155
You are now an expert on men.
227
00:11:01,157 --> 00:11:03,658
All right, this is all
the shit that he gave you
228
00:11:03,660 --> 00:11:05,393
over the last 14 years.
229
00:11:05,395 --> 00:11:07,798
Throw away, sell online and,
230
00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:12,333
whatever the fuck this is.
231
00:11:12,335 --> 00:11:14,701
Yeah, he got it at an
Infectious Diseases Conference
232
00:11:14,703 --> 00:11:16,137
in Shanghai.
233
00:11:16,139 --> 00:11:17,773
I kinda like it.
234
00:11:20,243 --> 00:11:22,045
It's going.
235
00:11:22,845 --> 00:11:24,247
Yeah, this is disgusting.
236
00:11:39,663 --> 00:11:40,363
Hmm.
237
00:13:15,793 --> 00:13:17,494
Wow, so you're a
graphic designer,
238
00:13:17,496 --> 00:13:19,231
you must be really artistic.
239
00:13:19,830 --> 00:13:23,500
Well, I have been called
the Vermeer of napkin art.
240
00:13:26,104 --> 00:13:28,872
Wait, what are you watching?
241
00:13:28,874 --> 00:13:31,210
Oh, it's this, this silly show
242
00:13:32,545 --> 00:13:34,878
about this Swiss
police woman who is...
243
00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:36,146
Schweizer Polizei Frau?
244
00:13:36,148 --> 00:13:37,380
You know it?
245
00:13:37,382 --> 00:13:38,381
Ja!
246
00:13:41,820 --> 00:13:44,888
I binge-watched all seven
seasons in like six days.
247
00:13:44,890 --> 00:13:46,223
Yeah, I'm on season four.
248
00:13:46,225 --> 00:13:48,825
Oh, there's great
ones coming up.
249
00:13:48,827 --> 00:13:52,829
We talked last
night for four hours.
250
00:13:52,831 --> 00:13:54,999
I think he's a really nice guy.
251
00:13:55,001 --> 00:13:55,967
Oh.
252
00:13:55,969 --> 00:13:57,867
Do you think I should
tell him about Steven?
253
00:13:57,869 --> 00:14:00,837
If you never wanna
hear from him again.
254
00:14:00,839 --> 00:14:03,940
Dating one guy your whole
life might come off a little...
255
00:14:03,942 --> 00:14:04,908
- Sad?
- Freakish.
256
00:14:04,910 --> 00:14:07,077
Like you were raised on
a polygamist compound.
257
00:14:07,079 --> 00:14:09,480
Don't show him the
woman you were,
258
00:14:09,482 --> 00:14:12,418
show him the woman
you're going to be.
259
00:14:12,884 --> 00:14:14,252
You mean lie?
260
00:14:14,254 --> 00:14:15,886
Hell yes, lie.
261
00:14:15,888 --> 00:14:18,856
Don't tell her you have
56K in student loans.
262
00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:20,524
Tell her you have
a 10 inch schlong
263
00:14:20,526 --> 00:14:23,060
and you're the heir
to Walmart fortune.
264
00:14:23,062 --> 00:14:23,928
It's the internet.
265
00:14:23,930 --> 00:14:25,498
If you're not lying,
your not trying.
266
00:14:26,833 --> 00:14:27,800
Hey, hey!
267
00:14:29,535 --> 00:14:31,835
My last boyfriend? Uh...
268
00:14:31,837 --> 00:14:37,242
Let's see, I was with
him for 14 months.
269
00:14:37,244 --> 00:14:40,612
Wow, so brief.
270
00:14:40,614 --> 00:14:43,515
Well, how long do your
relationships only last for?
271
00:14:43,517 --> 00:14:46,551
Uh, you know, two,
272
00:14:46,553 --> 00:14:47,552
three years.
273
00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:49,987
So, you haven't been
with that many women.
274
00:14:49,989 --> 00:14:51,889
A handful.
275
00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:55,893
You know, for me, it's more
about quality than quantity.
276
00:14:55,895 --> 00:14:57,395
My biggest fault?
277
00:14:57,397 --> 00:14:59,930
Sometimes, I give
too much, you know,
278
00:14:59,932 --> 00:15:01,533
whether it's work
or relationships.
279
00:15:01,535 --> 00:15:05,337
I'm all in, kind of a warp
speed ahead kinda guy.
280
00:15:05,339 --> 00:15:08,073
And sometimes, I'm so
spontaneous and unpredictable
281
00:15:08,075 --> 00:15:09,541
that people find it exhausting.
282
00:15:09,543 --> 00:15:11,278
But I'm working on that.
283
00:15:12,012 --> 00:15:13,478
I mean maybe 'cause I'm country
284
00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:16,581
but there's nothing like
a cold brewski, right?
285
00:15:16,583 --> 00:15:18,015
Hell yeah.
286
00:15:18,017 --> 00:15:19,418
Steelers baby!
287
00:15:19,420 --> 00:15:21,219
Big Ben is my boy.
288
00:15:21,221 --> 00:15:24,558
The San Diego Super Chargers!
289
00:15:25,527 --> 00:15:27,360
Well, you're looking
at the two-time
290
00:15:27,362 --> 00:15:29,997
salsa dancing champion
of West Virginia.
291
00:15:32,534 --> 00:15:35,167
Look, I'm not saying I'm
Lance Armstrong or anything,
292
00:15:35,169 --> 00:15:37,002
I'm kinda on the
level just below him,
293
00:15:37,004 --> 00:15:39,071
but cycling is my passion.
294
00:15:39,073 --> 00:15:41,206
God, you're food
looks amazing,
295
00:15:41,208 --> 00:15:42,974
where did you learn to cook?
296
00:15:42,976 --> 00:15:43,842
Oh please, look at you,
297
00:15:43,844 --> 00:15:45,346
making your own
pasta from scratch?
298
00:15:47,281 --> 00:15:48,613
You have beautiful eyes.
299
00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:51,019
You have a very sexy smile.
300
00:15:51,686 --> 00:15:52,951
Salut.
301
00:15:52,953 --> 00:15:54,155
Saluts.
302
00:15:54,556 --> 00:15:56,089
Oh, oh, god!
303
00:15:56,091 --> 00:15:57,690
Hey.
304
00:15:57,692 --> 00:15:58,358
Ah, no, no!
305
00:15:58,360 --> 00:15:59,459
No, it's not what you think.
306
00:15:59,461 --> 00:16:03,629
I just, I didn't have
time to get dressed before...
307
00:16:03,631 --> 00:16:03,997
Me too.
308
00:16:07,935 --> 00:16:09,067
I want you.
309
00:16:09,069 --> 00:16:10,302
Come to LA.
310
00:16:10,304 --> 00:16:12,003
I'll pay for the ticket.
311
00:16:12,005 --> 00:16:14,641
Look, I want to so bad,
but I looked into tickets,
312
00:16:14,643 --> 00:16:16,976
they are $700.
313
00:16:16,978 --> 00:16:18,311
Or we could split it,
314
00:16:18,313 --> 00:16:20,714
if it feels like I
coming on too strong.
315
00:16:20,716 --> 00:16:24,519
This is gonna be so amazing!
316
00:16:24,719 --> 00:16:26,686
Oh my god, I can't
believe I'm here.
317
00:16:26,688 --> 00:16:28,388
I can't
believe you're here.
318
00:16:28,390 --> 00:16:30,723
Oh, I
love your car.
319
00:16:30,725 --> 00:16:31,691
Thanks.
320
00:16:41,470 --> 00:16:44,505
So that's the Getty
Villa, right there.
321
00:16:44,507 --> 00:16:46,272
J. Paul Getty was the
world's richest man
322
00:16:46,274 --> 00:16:49,710
but he had a pay phone
for all his house guests.
323
00:16:49,712 --> 00:16:52,178
Oh god, what a cheapskate.
324
00:16:52,180 --> 00:16:54,547
I hate that!
325
00:16:54,549 --> 00:16:56,683
Yeah.
326
00:16:56,685 --> 00:16:58,586
Me too.
327
00:16:59,654 --> 00:17:01,021
Hey, isn't that,
that restaurant
328
00:17:01,023 --> 00:17:02,625
where all the
celebrities hang out?
329
00:17:03,058 --> 00:17:03,957
Yeah.
330
00:17:03,959 --> 00:17:05,225
Have
you ever been there?
331
00:17:05,227 --> 00:17:06,160
Sure.
332
00:17:06,162 --> 00:17:07,630
Oh, I bet it's amazing.
333
00:17:38,227 --> 00:17:39,526
It's gettin'
kinda chilly, huh.
334
00:17:39,528 --> 00:17:40,762
- Yeah.
- Wanna head back?
335
00:17:40,764 --> 00:17:42,531
Sure.
336
00:17:42,731 --> 00:17:45,668
Or, we could jump in the water.
337
00:17:48,304 --> 00:17:49,270
Yeah, right.
338
00:17:49,272 --> 00:17:50,405
No, I'm serious.
339
00:17:50,407 --> 00:17:52,507
Come on, Charlotte, you
just ate five course meal,
340
00:17:52,509 --> 00:17:53,408
you're not going for a swim.
341
00:17:53,410 --> 00:17:54,342
No, come on, let's do it.
342
00:17:54,344 --> 00:17:55,677
I've never even been
in the ocean before
343
00:17:55,679 --> 00:17:57,212
and it would just
be like absolutely...
344
00:17:57,214 --> 00:17:58,613
Hey, hey, listen to me.
345
00:17:58,615 --> 00:18:00,582
We're not jumping off the pier.
346
00:18:01,818 --> 00:18:02,985
Oh, my god.
347
00:18:03,653 --> 00:18:06,721
Okay, you are completely insane!
348
00:18:06,723 --> 00:18:07,555
Really?
349
00:18:07,557 --> 00:18:08,656
Yes, you're crazy.
350
00:18:08,658 --> 00:18:11,494
And you are the most
exciting guy I've ever met.
351
00:18:12,094 --> 00:18:12,627
Really?
352
00:18:12,629 --> 00:18:13,296
Yeah.
353
00:18:37,288 --> 00:18:39,122
All right, Carly, let's
see what you got me.
354
00:18:40,324 --> 00:18:41,390
How does...
355
00:18:41,392 --> 00:18:43,659
I don't even...
356
00:18:43,661 --> 00:18:45,228
I'm not using that.
357
00:18:53,303 --> 00:18:54,437
I've seen thicker dental floss.
358
00:19:02,647 --> 00:19:04,747
You are one sexy
bitch, Charlotte.
359
00:19:04,749 --> 00:19:07,149
And you've had sex
with a thousand men.
360
00:19:07,151 --> 00:19:07,883
With a hundred men.
361
00:19:07,885 --> 00:19:10,488
23, eight, eight.
362
00:19:18,596 --> 00:19:22,733
You're gonna go in there and
be just a super sexy lady.
363
00:19:24,735 --> 00:19:26,538
God, I look like my
mom with these things.
364
00:20:09,413 --> 00:20:10,112
Ow!
365
00:20:10,114 --> 00:20:11,580
Oh, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry.
366
00:20:11,582 --> 00:20:12,581
So you like it rough?
367
00:20:12,583 --> 00:20:13,851
Huh, oh no, I was just...
368
00:20:13,853 --> 00:20:15,685
'Cause I can be really rough.
369
00:20:15,687 --> 00:20:18,889
Oh yeah, no, I'm rough,
I'm like super rough.
370
00:20:18,891 --> 00:20:20,390
Like this kinda rough?
371
00:20:20,392 --> 00:20:21,324
Ah!
372
00:20:21,326 --> 00:20:22,392
Oh!
373
00:20:22,394 --> 00:20:25,729
Goin' for the sexy proctologist,
yeah, no I dig that.
374
00:20:25,731 --> 00:20:26,596
Yeah?
375
00:20:26,598 --> 00:20:27,731
Is that all you got?
376
00:20:27,733 --> 00:20:29,566
You're in luck
'cause his two friends
377
00:20:29,568 --> 00:20:31,468
just decided to join the party.
378
00:20:39,244 --> 00:20:41,313
What're you thinking?
379
00:20:42,715 --> 00:20:44,651
I was just thinking, uhm
380
00:20:46,218 --> 00:20:49,352
I was just wondering,
381
00:20:49,354 --> 00:20:52,591
if it's too soon to
tell him that um,
382
00:20:53,793 --> 00:20:55,895
he's just the kind of man
I've always wanted to be with.
383
00:20:57,396 --> 00:21:00,530
Confident and uhm,
384
00:21:00,532 --> 00:21:02,767
unhesitating,
385
00:21:02,769 --> 00:21:04,203
sure of what he wants.
386
00:21:05,538 --> 00:21:06,904
Extremely handsome.
387
00:21:06,906 --> 00:21:09,006
Well.
388
00:21:09,008 --> 00:21:11,244
And um,
389
00:21:12,945 --> 00:21:15,213
it's gonna break my heart
to get back on that plane.
390
00:21:18,851 --> 00:21:20,651
Well, that's funny actually,
391
00:21:20,653 --> 00:21:25,824
because I was
thinking that she is
392
00:21:25,826 --> 00:21:29,427
the most exciting
393
00:21:29,429 --> 00:21:33,330
and spontaneous person
394
00:21:33,332 --> 00:21:36,300
I've met in my entire life.
395
00:21:36,302 --> 00:21:39,639
Not to mention gorgeous,
bombshell, knockout
396
00:21:40,740 --> 00:21:42,907
and blonde too, the
most blonde person.
397
00:21:46,612 --> 00:21:47,745
And I was actually wondering
398
00:21:47,747 --> 00:21:49,583
if it's too soon
to give her this.
399
00:21:53,554 --> 00:21:55,556
And to tell her that I love her.
400
00:22:23,917 --> 00:22:26,718
I know this is
moving insanely fast
401
00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:29,521
but she's not like
the women here.
402
00:22:29,523 --> 00:22:31,056
Is that a heel mark?
403
00:22:31,058 --> 00:22:33,391
She's sexy and smart
404
00:22:33,393 --> 00:22:34,926
and we just have
this, this connection!
405
00:22:34,928 --> 00:22:37,029
What did you get
on my upholstery?
406
00:22:37,031 --> 00:22:38,664
Oh, that's just saltwater.
407
00:22:38,666 --> 00:22:40,432
Is that what the
kids are calling it?
408
00:22:40,434 --> 00:22:42,367
You desecrated the Stang!
409
00:22:42,369 --> 00:22:43,703
Dude, I'll get it
washed and waxed.
410
00:22:43,705 --> 00:22:45,705
Are you listening to what
I'm saying, I'm in love.
411
00:22:45,707 --> 00:22:47,506
I can clearly see
that you're excited
412
00:22:47,508 --> 00:22:49,674
and I'm very happy
for you, really I am.
413
00:22:49,676 --> 00:22:50,711
Okay yes.
414
00:22:56,450 --> 00:22:58,350
You might wanna keep
this for your scrap book.
415
00:22:58,352 --> 00:22:58,986
Oh, yes.
416
00:23:00,855 --> 00:23:02,021
That's her neck.
417
00:23:02,023 --> 00:23:02,889
Just smell that.
418
00:23:02,891 --> 00:23:03,923
- No.
- Just smell.
419
00:23:03,925 --> 00:23:04,957
- It's just a neck.
- It's not. .
420
00:23:04,959 --> 00:23:06,759
- It's a neutral zone.
- This is not appropriate.
421
00:23:06,761 --> 00:23:08,694
Oh god, that's good.
422
00:23:08,696 --> 00:23:12,598
And, did you do the
things that we talked about?
423
00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:14,467
We did things no
one talks about.
424
00:23:14,469 --> 00:23:17,402
Ooh, and how did that go?
425
00:23:17,404 --> 00:23:18,738
He gave me this.
426
00:23:18,740 --> 00:23:19,572
Oh, my god.
427
00:23:19,574 --> 00:23:21,707
And he told me
that he loves me.
428
00:23:21,709 --> 00:23:23,608
Oh, my god!
429
00:23:23,610 --> 00:23:24,978
I know, and I told
him I love him too
430
00:23:24,980 --> 00:23:27,713
which I know seems
like crazy and rushed
431
00:23:27,715 --> 00:23:30,550
but it was just so magical.
432
00:23:30,552 --> 00:23:32,420
That no good mother.
433
00:23:45,166 --> 00:23:46,732
You know, good for him.
434
00:23:46,734 --> 00:23:48,769
Good for him, he
deserves to be happy.
435
00:23:48,771 --> 00:23:50,504
Char...
436
00:23:50,506 --> 00:23:52,639
I know what you're gonna
say and I'm gonna be fine
437
00:23:52,641 --> 00:23:55,676
because I'm happy
and he's happy.
438
00:23:55,678 --> 00:23:57,578
- Charlotte!
- And everybody's happy.
439
00:23:57,580 --> 00:23:58,411
Charlotte!
440
00:23:58,413 --> 00:23:59,445
It's gonna be,
441
00:23:59,447 --> 00:24:00,115
oh my god!
442
00:24:11,060 --> 00:24:11,927
Asshole!
443
00:24:13,596 --> 00:24:16,730
No, you cannot cause an
avalanche just by yodeling.
444
00:24:16,732 --> 00:24:19,800
No, I am telling you,
it is completely possible.
445
00:24:19,802 --> 00:24:21,068
You can't.
446
00:24:21,070 --> 00:24:22,769
And even if you could,
447
00:24:22,771 --> 00:24:25,138
you can't make it fall right
on a fleeing bank robber.
448
00:24:25,140 --> 00:24:27,541
Schweizer Polizei Frau can.
449
00:24:27,543 --> 00:24:28,577
Yeah well.
450
00:24:29,845 --> 00:24:33,881
Hey, I made something at work
today, you mind taking a look?
451
00:24:33,883 --> 00:24:35,017
Yeah, sure.
452
00:24:41,157 --> 00:24:42,857
Hey, is that me?
453
00:24:42,859 --> 00:24:43,960
Lookin' good.
454
00:24:51,567 --> 00:24:53,903
Oh, thank you, it's beautiful.
455
00:25:05,882 --> 00:25:09,753
It would be the most
unpredictable thing ever.
456
00:25:11,755 --> 00:25:14,958
It would be the
ultimate commitment.
457
00:25:24,734 --> 00:25:25,702
Geronimo!
458
00:25:37,013 --> 00:25:38,112
We want a divorce.
459
00:25:38,114 --> 00:25:39,614
Between the two of ya?
460
00:25:39,616 --> 00:25:40,581
Yep.
461
00:25:40,583 --> 00:25:41,816
Well, I'll be, usually,
462
00:25:41,818 --> 00:25:44,585
I represent only one
party's interests.
463
00:25:44,587 --> 00:25:45,520
We have the same interest.
464
00:25:45,522 --> 00:25:46,721
An immediate divorce.
465
00:25:46,723 --> 00:25:48,824
Well then, I reckon
we oughta discuss
466
00:25:48,826 --> 00:25:50,626
dividin' property, assets...
467
00:25:50,628 --> 00:25:51,794
We don't have any.
468
00:25:51,796 --> 00:25:54,529
How long you two been hitched?
469
00:25:54,531 --> 00:25:55,898
BRANDON AND
CHARLOTTE: 10 days.
470
00:25:55,900 --> 00:25:56,767
10 days?
471
00:26:06,609 --> 00:26:07,608
Oh!
472
00:26:07,610 --> 00:26:08,776
Thank you so much, Carly.
473
00:26:08,778 --> 00:26:11,115
Thanks, Carly, it's awesome!
474
00:26:12,049 --> 00:26:13,749
Oh, and that is from us.
475
00:26:13,751 --> 00:26:14,850
Oh.
476
00:26:14,852 --> 00:26:15,720
Thank you.
477
00:26:23,728 --> 00:26:27,262
Aw, thank you very much, that's
so sweet, Jerry and Judy.
478
00:26:27,264 --> 00:26:29,765
Thanks, Mom, thanks,
Dad, that's uh.
479
00:26:29,767 --> 00:26:32,001
No, the people
of Tibet thank you.
480
00:26:32,003 --> 00:26:36,005
It's such a noble
gesture in your name.
481
00:26:36,007 --> 00:26:37,807
Though it has none of
the bourgeoisie cache
482
00:26:37,809 --> 00:26:40,045
of a shiny kitchen appliance.
483
00:26:41,847 --> 00:26:44,080
Anyway, speaking
of exotic places,
484
00:26:44,082 --> 00:26:45,647
have you guys finally decided
485
00:26:45,649 --> 00:26:46,582
where you're gonna
take your honeymoon?
486
00:26:46,584 --> 00:26:48,917
Not yet, I'm start
teaching really soon
487
00:26:48,919 --> 00:26:52,355
and we have to find a bigger
apartment or maybe a house.
488
00:26:52,357 --> 00:26:54,089
Oh.
489
00:26:54,091 --> 00:26:56,091
So we have to
put that on hold.
490
00:26:56,093 --> 00:26:58,660
No, no, no, you must do
something special, Brandon.
491
00:26:58,662 --> 00:27:00,295
Sri Lanka is lovely.
492
00:27:00,297 --> 00:27:02,699
As far as exploited,
underdeveloped
493
00:27:02,701 --> 00:27:03,900
island nations go.
494
00:27:03,902 --> 00:27:07,037
It's really the sad teardrop
of the Indian subcontinent.
495
00:27:07,039 --> 00:27:08,738
But the beaches are beautiful.
496
00:27:08,740 --> 00:27:10,240
Well, that sounds
fun, right, honey?
497
00:27:10,242 --> 00:27:13,810
Oh yeah, it's just a shame
about all the tsunamis.
498
00:27:13,812 --> 00:27:15,245
I'll tell you what
though, for special,
499
00:27:15,247 --> 00:27:16,880
there's some really great spots
500
00:27:16,882 --> 00:27:18,747
right within driving distance.
501
00:27:18,749 --> 00:27:21,920
I mean, San Diego,
Santa Barbara, Pismo.
502
00:27:23,754 --> 00:27:24,621
Oh, what about you?
503
00:27:24,623 --> 00:27:26,223
Where'd you two go
on your honeymoon?
504
00:27:26,225 --> 00:27:27,324
Jail.
505
00:27:31,797 --> 00:27:33,029
He's not kidding.
506
00:27:33,031 --> 00:27:34,631
After we exchanged our vows,
507
00:27:34,633 --> 00:27:36,699
we went off to a No Nukes rally,
508
00:27:36,701 --> 00:27:39,370
she acted up and the
po-po picked us up
509
00:27:39,372 --> 00:27:40,770
and threw us both
in the slammer.
510
00:27:40,772 --> 00:27:43,306
So you spent your
whole honeymoon in jail?
511
00:27:43,308 --> 00:27:44,475
We had only known
each other 10 days
512
00:27:44,477 --> 00:27:48,779
so every minute we spent
together was like a honeymoon.
513
00:27:48,781 --> 00:27:52,649
And we actually managed to slip
a little connubial bliss in
514
00:27:52,651 --> 00:27:54,754
right under the man's nose.
515
00:27:57,190 --> 00:27:59,290
So we were in
adjacent cells, right,
516
00:27:59,292 --> 00:28:01,992
and right after all of the
other inmates went to sleep,
517
00:28:01,994 --> 00:28:04,861
my beautiful bride, she
backed her tight little rump
518
00:28:04,863 --> 00:28:06,863
right up against the bars,
519
00:28:06,865 --> 00:28:11,868
I dropped trou and we made
the sweetest, sweetest love.
520
00:28:11,870 --> 00:28:14,740
Oh, oh, Christ,
I need a drink!
521
00:28:18,878 --> 00:28:21,145
Being an only child and
losing both my parents,
522
00:28:21,147 --> 00:28:24,281
I definitely want a big family,
like three or four kids.
523
00:28:24,283 --> 00:28:26,450
You know, they say, it
costs over a quarter million
524
00:28:26,452 --> 00:28:29,753
to raise a child and
that's before college.
525
00:28:29,755 --> 00:28:32,756
You can't put a
price tag on happiness.
526
00:28:32,758 --> 00:28:36,727
True but I was an only
child and I have to say,
527
00:28:36,729 --> 00:28:37,462
I was very happy.
528
00:28:37,464 --> 00:28:39,431
Oh come on, Brandon.
529
00:28:39,433 --> 00:28:41,266
You use to always want
a younger brother.
530
00:28:41,268 --> 00:28:44,369
And a matter of fact,
Brandon was an accident.
531
00:28:44,371 --> 00:28:46,071
We thought long and hard
532
00:28:46,073 --> 00:28:48,072
about whether or not
we should keep him.
533
00:28:48,074 --> 00:28:49,940
You were gonna put
him up for adoption?
534
00:28:49,942 --> 00:28:52,344
Oh god no, I wouldn't
have the heart for that.
535
00:28:52,346 --> 00:28:55,045
We were gonna abort him.
536
00:28:55,047 --> 00:28:55,915
Jesus.
537
00:28:57,016 --> 00:28:58,716
But we were in Burma,
538
00:28:58,718 --> 00:29:01,052
we couldn't find anyone
to perform the procedure.
539
00:29:01,054 --> 00:29:02,022
Thank god.
540
00:29:03,157 --> 00:29:05,390
I think we made
the right decision.
541
00:29:05,392 --> 00:29:06,326
I do too.
542
00:29:07,761 --> 00:29:08,960
Most of the time.
543
00:29:08,962 --> 00:29:11,329
Oh, Jerry.
544
00:29:11,331 --> 00:29:12,497
Hey, you know, we
better get going,
545
00:29:12,499 --> 00:29:15,834
we got a flight to catch, we
gotta get to Buenos Aries.
546
00:29:15,836 --> 00:29:18,069
Oh, leaving so soon?
547
00:29:18,071 --> 00:29:19,337
We're gonna the Antarctica,
548
00:29:19,339 --> 00:29:21,872
we're gonna scuttle some
Japanese whale killers.
549
00:29:21,874 --> 00:29:22,773
If it were up to me,
550
00:29:22,775 --> 00:29:25,311
I'd have those boats
sunk in the ocean
551
00:29:25,313 --> 00:29:28,847
and have any remaining
survivors fed to the sharks.
552
00:29:28,849 --> 00:29:30,815
I hear you, I
respect your feelings.
553
00:29:30,817 --> 00:29:33,885
Now, get you things we
gotta go, we gonna be late.
554
00:29:33,887 --> 00:29:36,522
Charlotte, it's been
so lovely meeting you.
555
00:29:36,524 --> 00:29:37,523
Likewise.
556
00:29:37,525 --> 00:29:39,124
Carly, till next time.
557
00:29:39,126 --> 00:29:40,992
Okay, let's go.
558
00:29:40,994 --> 00:29:45,699
She gets so blood thirsty
when it comes to the Japanese.
559
00:29:47,834 --> 00:29:49,502
Those are some
weird fucking people.
560
00:29:49,504 --> 00:29:52,807
Okay, I don't
know, they're unique.
561
00:29:54,409 --> 00:29:56,542
It's kinda refreshing.
562
00:29:56,544 --> 00:29:57,876
You need to be thankful
563
00:29:57,878 --> 00:29:59,212
that their DNA
skipped a generation.
564
00:30:01,149 --> 00:30:03,949
But isn't, Brandon's
pretty amazing, right?
565
00:30:03,951 --> 00:30:06,117
You did good, girl.
566
00:30:06,119 --> 00:30:08,820
And he can't freak if he finds
out that you're a jail bird.
567
00:30:08,822 --> 00:30:09,955
'Cause with parents like that,
568
00:30:09,957 --> 00:30:11,557
he was probably
conceived in the joint.
569
00:30:11,559 --> 00:30:13,826
Why would you tell
Charlotte the Stang is yours?
570
00:30:13,828 --> 00:30:15,194
You're the one
who told me to lie.
571
00:30:15,196 --> 00:30:17,196
When you're trying to
lure her to the honey pot!
572
00:30:17,198 --> 00:30:19,031
You can't keep it going
now that you're married.
573
00:30:19,033 --> 00:30:20,266
It's insane.
574
00:30:20,268 --> 00:30:21,568
Just let me break it
to her slowly, okay?
575
00:30:21,570 --> 00:30:24,337
Can you go along with
it for a couple weeks?
576
00:30:24,339 --> 00:30:25,471
Come on man, you
have another car.
577
00:30:25,473 --> 00:30:26,472
Please, I'll owe you.
578
00:30:26,474 --> 00:30:27,406
With what?
579
00:30:27,408 --> 00:30:28,808
You don't have any money.
580
00:30:28,810 --> 00:30:30,009
Which you also told me
not to tell her about.
581
00:30:30,011 --> 00:30:32,979
And now she's talking about
honeymoons and houses and kids.
582
00:30:32,981 --> 00:30:35,348
Well, you screwed up,
man, you took my advice.
583
00:30:35,350 --> 00:30:38,018
Okay, okay, okay okay,
you can take the Stang
584
00:30:38,020 --> 00:30:39,986
for a couple more weeks but, but
585
00:30:39,988 --> 00:30:42,089
if I see you drive
it more than twice,
586
00:30:42,091 --> 00:30:44,090
I will bring down
your house of cards.
587
00:30:44,092 --> 00:30:45,091
Understood, thanks.
588
00:30:45,093 --> 00:30:46,593
I'll see you at dinner.
589
00:30:46,595 --> 00:30:49,496
No, this is yours now,
you have to take care of it!
590
00:30:49,498 --> 00:30:50,332
Oh!
591
00:30:51,567 --> 00:30:53,567
Our first dinner party
as a married couple.
592
00:30:53,569 --> 00:30:54,401
Yeah.
593
00:30:54,403 --> 00:30:56,436
What are you making?
594
00:30:56,438 --> 00:31:01,377
Well, I thought maybe you
could make your homemade pasta.
595
00:31:06,215 --> 00:31:08,548
I remember on our honeymoon,
we went to a movie in Maui
596
00:31:08,550 --> 00:31:10,884
and Dan was playing
with his wedding ring,
597
00:31:10,886 --> 00:31:13,053
it fell off and
rolled down the floor.
598
00:31:13,055 --> 00:31:14,288
Ting, ting, ting, ting.
599
00:31:14,290 --> 00:31:15,888
We had to wait till
the movie was over
600
00:31:15,890 --> 00:31:17,190
and then search through
all this popcorn
601
00:31:17,192 --> 00:31:19,859
and crud and found it
in a puddle of Pepsi.
602
00:31:19,861 --> 00:31:21,328
She was really mad.
603
00:31:21,330 --> 00:31:22,995
And then the next
week, he does it again!
604
00:31:22,997 --> 00:31:25,899
And she punched me
right in the dick.
605
00:31:27,637 --> 00:31:30,571
You're lucky I
didn't divorce you.
606
00:31:30,573 --> 00:31:33,106
It turned out he done
it intentionally.
607
00:31:33,108 --> 00:31:35,042
Well yeah, so I had
tied it to a string
608
00:31:35,044 --> 00:31:37,545
and I was pulling it along
and she kept going after it.
609
00:31:37,547 --> 00:31:39,012
That was really.
610
00:31:41,583 --> 00:31:43,350
Oh god, weren't you furious?
611
00:31:43,352 --> 00:31:44,186
Yes.
612
00:31:45,421 --> 00:31:48,121
But then I realized
that this is who Dan is
613
00:31:48,123 --> 00:31:50,058
and that's why I love him.
614
00:31:50,060 --> 00:31:51,426
That's why she loves me.
615
00:31:51,428 --> 00:31:52,660
He's a lovable jackass.
616
00:31:52,662 --> 00:31:54,595
My ass is very jacked.
617
00:31:56,399 --> 00:31:57,200
Moving on!
618
00:31:58,535 --> 00:32:01,369
Brandon, what is
your biggest regret?
619
00:32:01,371 --> 00:32:03,604
My choice of best friends.
620
00:32:03,606 --> 00:32:04,572
I was just being honest.
621
00:32:04,574 --> 00:32:06,842
I'm just being honest.
622
00:32:08,378 --> 00:32:11,044
I guess maybe not
visiting my grandpa enough
623
00:32:11,046 --> 00:32:12,315
before he died.
624
00:32:13,451 --> 00:32:14,550
He was living in
this nursing home
625
00:32:14,552 --> 00:32:17,686
like a mile from our house and,
626
00:32:17,688 --> 00:32:19,120
I don't know, I
guess I was too busy
627
00:32:19,122 --> 00:32:21,324
being a teenager or something.
628
00:32:23,960 --> 00:32:27,161
Anyway, I hope he forgave me.
629
00:32:27,163 --> 00:32:28,563
Of course he did.
630
00:32:28,565 --> 00:32:30,433
He knew you loved him.
631
00:32:45,683 --> 00:32:49,117
Okay, I gonna say
what we're all thinking.
632
00:32:49,119 --> 00:32:49,953
Four-way.
633
00:32:51,054 --> 00:32:51,888
Hey!
634
00:33:02,666 --> 00:33:05,667
Hey, how come you never
wear that necklace I gave you?
635
00:33:05,669 --> 00:33:07,469
Don't you like it?
636
00:33:07,471 --> 00:33:08,404
I love it.
637
00:33:08,406 --> 00:33:10,174
I absolutely love it.
638
00:33:11,008 --> 00:33:12,741
And you know what else I love?
639
00:33:12,743 --> 00:33:14,610
That pretty little ass of yours.
640
00:33:17,548 --> 00:33:20,284
You remember the three amigos?
641
00:33:25,089 --> 00:33:25,956
Arriba!
642
00:33:26,725 --> 00:33:28,058
Whoo!
643
00:33:38,602 --> 00:33:41,537
Schweitzer Polizei Frau.
644
00:33:48,012 --> 00:33:49,579
What are you working on?
645
00:33:49,581 --> 00:33:51,448
Welfare application.
646
00:33:51,450 --> 00:33:53,049
You?
647
00:33:53,051 --> 00:33:54,617
Suicide note.
648
00:33:54,619 --> 00:33:55,687
Touche.
649
00:33:57,222 --> 00:33:58,788
You know, screw it!
650
00:33:58,790 --> 00:34:01,724
I guess I'm gonna call
that slimy prick Matthew
651
00:34:01,726 --> 00:34:03,326
and see if he'll
throw us a bone.
652
00:34:03,328 --> 00:34:05,697
Oh man, that's gonna suck.
653
00:34:07,064 --> 00:34:08,598
You just know he's gonna make
you feel like a pathetic,
654
00:34:08,600 --> 00:34:11,099
shit-eating failure.
655
00:34:11,101 --> 00:34:12,638
I'll call for you.
656
00:34:14,640 --> 00:34:16,105
I'm just so glad I found it.
657
00:34:16,107 --> 00:34:17,607
I had to go to 10 different
stores to find it,
658
00:34:17,609 --> 00:34:19,444
and it cost $1, 200.
659
00:34:20,278 --> 00:34:21,644
Oh, at that price,
660
00:34:21,646 --> 00:34:22,779
I think I would have
just come clean.
661
00:34:22,781 --> 00:34:27,584
Yeah, I wanted to but he
spent so much money on it,
662
00:34:27,586 --> 00:34:31,187
and, I don't know, he
picked it out himself
663
00:34:31,189 --> 00:34:33,692
which I think is very sweet, so.
664
00:34:36,094 --> 00:34:37,695
So, you
must be looking forward
665
00:34:37,697 --> 00:34:39,430
to getting back to work, huh?
666
00:34:39,432 --> 00:34:42,833
Yes, I'm so excited to be
back in the classroom with kids.
667
00:34:42,835 --> 00:34:44,702
It's gonna be nice to have
income coming in, too.
668
00:34:44,704 --> 00:34:46,704
Speaking of which,
I was thinking
669
00:34:46,706 --> 00:34:48,438
that we could start
planning our honeymoon.
670
00:34:48,440 --> 00:34:51,241
You know, maybe go
on my spring break.
671
00:34:51,243 --> 00:34:53,578
What do you think about Aruba?
672
00:34:55,280 --> 00:34:57,180
Yeah, that's fine.
673
00:34:57,182 --> 00:35:00,751
But what about
Catalina Island, huh?
674
00:35:00,753 --> 00:35:04,788
It's 26 miles across the
sea, it is beautiful.
675
00:35:04,790 --> 00:35:08,859
It's, uh, I mean, it's
where Natalie Wood drowned.
676
00:35:08,861 --> 00:35:10,661
Sounds romantic.
677
00:35:10,663 --> 00:35:12,229
Hey, you know what?
678
00:35:12,231 --> 00:35:14,231
I think we have to have
a couple drinks tonight.
679
00:35:14,233 --> 00:35:15,098
- Yeah?
- To celebrate
680
00:35:15,100 --> 00:35:16,300
your last couple
of days of leisure.
681
00:35:16,302 --> 00:35:17,268
What do you say?
682
00:35:17,270 --> 00:35:18,101
I like that.
683
00:35:18,103 --> 00:35:19,436
Let me do that.
684
00:35:19,438 --> 00:35:21,605
All right, get out
there, make me proud,
685
00:35:21,607 --> 00:35:24,076
show me some of those tricks.
686
00:35:33,887 --> 00:35:35,720
Achtung, ladies and gentlemen,
687
00:35:35,722 --> 00:35:40,391
he's about to shame,
bruise and soil himself.
688
00:35:44,363 --> 00:35:45,231
Fuck!
689
00:35:56,376 --> 00:35:59,477
Oh my god,
Barndon, are you okay?
690
00:35:59,479 --> 00:36:02,547
Yeah, yeah,
no, I meant to do that.
691
00:36:02,549 --> 00:36:03,417
Oh god.
692
00:36:13,594 --> 00:36:15,160
Hey Brandon.
693
00:36:15,162 --> 00:36:16,661
I brought you a little
somethin' for the newlyweds.
694
00:36:16,663 --> 00:36:18,496
Oh Mel, thank you.
695
00:36:18,498 --> 00:36:19,331
Cheers.
696
00:36:19,333 --> 00:36:20,165
Cheers.
697
00:36:20,167 --> 00:36:20,900
Shots.
698
00:36:20,902 --> 00:36:22,567
To all your lucky students.
699
00:36:22,569 --> 00:36:25,236
To my sweet husband
and all my bros and hoes.
700
00:36:25,238 --> 00:36:26,106
Yeah!
701
00:36:27,007 --> 00:36:28,607
Excuse me
ladies and gentlemen,
702
00:36:28,609 --> 00:36:30,842
can I get Charlotte
Conroy on the dance floor?
703
00:36:30,844 --> 00:36:31,676
What?
704
00:36:31,678 --> 00:36:32,711
Did he say my name?
705
00:36:32,713 --> 00:36:33,545
I guess.
706
00:36:33,547 --> 00:36:34,679
What did you tell him?
707
00:36:34,681 --> 00:36:36,315
Yeah, everyone, put your
hands together right here,
708
00:36:36,317 --> 00:36:38,651
Miss Charlotte, the
dancing machine, Conroy,
709
00:36:38,653 --> 00:36:41,921
salsa champion, world
champion in the house tonight!
710
00:36:41,923 --> 00:36:42,755
That's you.
711
00:36:42,757 --> 00:36:43,856
What did you tell him?
712
00:36:43,858 --> 00:36:45,290
I may have
exaggerated a little.
713
00:36:45,292 --> 00:36:46,859
I know you didn't wanna
show off at the wedding
714
00:36:46,861 --> 00:36:48,694
but now I get to see your stuff!
715
00:36:53,735 --> 00:36:54,601
Yeah!
716
00:37:01,576 --> 00:37:02,842
SCHWEITZER POLIZEI
FRAU: And that is all
717
00:37:02,844 --> 00:37:05,444
the salsa Charlotte knows,
718
00:37:05,446 --> 00:37:07,782
but tragically, she dances on.
719
00:37:36,344 --> 00:37:38,344
Well look who's here.
720
00:37:38,346 --> 00:37:41,480
The asshole who almost
smothered me to death.
721
00:37:41,482 --> 00:37:42,581
Ashley?
722
00:37:42,583 --> 00:37:45,584
You would still hang out
here, you cheap bastard.
723
00:37:45,586 --> 00:37:46,752
I'm just kidding.
724
00:37:46,754 --> 00:37:47,854
I come here too.
725
00:37:47,856 --> 00:37:49,556
Ashley, I am...
726
00:37:49,558 --> 00:37:52,728
You, are not still
mad at me, are you?
727
00:37:56,732 --> 00:38:01,467
Okay, Charlotte, thank
you, thank you very much.
728
00:38:01,469 --> 00:38:03,337
Very interesting dance.
729
00:38:05,841 --> 00:38:07,273
Hey, honey.
730
00:38:07,275 --> 00:38:08,742
Who's your friend?
731
00:38:08,744 --> 00:38:09,743
Ashley.
732
00:38:09,745 --> 00:38:12,579
Charlotte, Charlotte Conroy.
733
00:38:12,581 --> 00:38:13,613
Who's that, your sister?
734
00:38:13,615 --> 00:38:15,049
No, his wife.
735
00:38:15,051 --> 00:38:18,351
I'm sorry, you're married?
736
00:38:18,353 --> 00:38:19,486
Since when?
737
00:38:19,488 --> 00:38:20,656
Four days ago.
738
00:38:22,624 --> 00:38:25,792
We used to date until he
went all fainting goat on,
739
00:38:25,794 --> 00:38:27,627
what the fuck?
740
00:38:27,629 --> 00:38:29,296
That's my necklace!
741
00:38:29,298 --> 00:38:30,030
Oh shit.
742
00:38:30,032 --> 00:38:31,064
What the hell, Brandon?
743
00:38:31,066 --> 00:38:32,532
Brandon?
744
00:38:32,534 --> 00:38:33,633
Yeah, I left it at his place.
745
00:38:33,635 --> 00:38:34,968
He never gave it back to me.
746
00:38:34,970 --> 00:38:36,473
Is that true?
747
00:38:38,508 --> 00:38:39,507
Told ya.
748
00:38:39,509 --> 00:38:41,508
This isn't your necklace.
749
00:38:41,510 --> 00:38:42,442
The hell it isn't.
750
00:38:42,444 --> 00:38:43,711
Okay.
751
00:38:43,713 --> 00:38:44,812
No, I
think your necklace
752
00:38:44,814 --> 00:38:45,947
I ground up in the
garbage disposal.
753
00:38:45,949 --> 00:38:47,347
Bullshit!
754
00:38:47,349 --> 00:38:48,750
Listen,
I was freaked out
755
00:38:48,752 --> 00:38:50,350
because I found out my
ex-fiance was getting married.
756
00:38:50,352 --> 00:38:51,318
Ex-fiance?
757
00:38:51,320 --> 00:38:52,652
Okay, like you have
the right to speak,
758
00:38:52,654 --> 00:38:54,354
you gave this skank's necklace!
759
00:38:54,356 --> 00:38:56,456
Oh my god, this is hilarious.
760
00:38:56,458 --> 00:38:58,627
You wanna know what I think?
761
00:39:02,465 --> 00:39:04,499
You're not gonna do anything?
762
00:39:04,501 --> 00:39:05,368
Stop!
763
00:39:08,104 --> 00:39:09,904
Look at it this way,
most women our age
764
00:39:09,906 --> 00:39:11,739
have a lot of wear
and tear on 'em
765
00:39:11,741 --> 00:39:13,541
but you got her from
the original owner.
766
00:39:13,543 --> 00:39:15,510
She's in mint condition.
767
00:39:15,512 --> 00:39:17,779
Anyway, you really trumped
her on that necklace debacle.
768
00:39:17,781 --> 00:39:18,780
What were you thinking?
769
00:39:18,782 --> 00:39:19,714
I don't know, man.
770
00:39:19,716 --> 00:39:21,048
Never the twain shall meet?
771
00:39:21,050 --> 00:39:24,452
Okay, once, when
Rita and I were married
772
00:39:24,454 --> 00:39:26,955
for maybe two months, she
asked me if this dress
773
00:39:26,957 --> 00:39:28,723
she was wearing made
her butt look big.
774
00:39:28,725 --> 00:39:31,093
I told her, yes, but
I like big butts.
775
00:39:31,095 --> 00:39:32,426
You know, I'm a black man.
776
00:39:32,428 --> 00:39:33,761
It nearly ruined us.
777
00:39:33,763 --> 00:39:35,630
But it didn't.
778
00:39:35,632 --> 00:39:38,633
It took some work and
that's what you gotta do, man.
779
00:39:38,635 --> 00:39:40,968
You gotta make some
grand gesture, all right?
780
00:39:40,970 --> 00:39:43,404
Something repentant and sweet.
781
00:39:43,406 --> 00:39:44,505
Maybe a little pathetic
thrown in there
782
00:39:44,507 --> 00:39:49,511
and with any luck, it will
all be forgotten about.
783
00:39:49,513 --> 00:39:50,781
In a few years.
784
00:39:53,050 --> 00:39:53,918
Come on.
785
00:39:59,824 --> 00:40:01,824
God, it was so humiliating.
786
00:40:01,826 --> 00:40:03,058
So you
both screwed up.
787
00:40:03,060 --> 00:40:05,628
You each take a
gimme and move on.
788
00:40:06,764 --> 00:40:09,965
I just got an email from him.
789
00:40:17,142 --> 00:40:19,543
Oh my gosh, it's so sweet!
790
00:40:20,644 --> 00:40:22,044
He just sent me
the cutest apology.
791
00:40:22,046 --> 00:40:22,878
See?
792
00:40:22,880 --> 00:40:24,613
He's a peach.
793
00:40:24,615 --> 00:40:26,949
Do something nice for him
tonight, like really nice.
794
00:40:26,951 --> 00:40:28,584
Did you get that
link I sent you?
795
00:40:28,586 --> 00:40:30,152
Oh, that site was nasty.
796
00:40:30,154 --> 00:40:31,689
Exactly.
797
00:40:54,678 --> 00:40:55,978
Not in the bedroom.
798
00:41:02,020 --> 00:41:02,852
Lower.
799
00:41:12,530 --> 00:41:13,963
This is ridiculous.
800
00:41:13,965 --> 00:41:15,732
They've been making
this racket for hours.
801
00:41:15,734 --> 00:41:17,834
What the hell are
they trying to prove?
802
00:41:18,703 --> 00:41:20,670
Dan, maybe you
should come to bed.
803
00:41:20,672 --> 00:41:23,039
Yeah, yeah, in a minute.
804
00:41:42,827 --> 00:41:43,628
Oh my god.
805
00:41:45,797 --> 00:41:47,800
Oh, that was incredible.
806
00:41:49,001 --> 00:41:50,703
Okay, I gotta pee.
807
00:42:07,552 --> 00:42:10,020
I'm sure it's nothing serious.
808
00:42:10,022 --> 00:42:12,656
You haven't had problems
down their before, have you?
809
00:42:12,658 --> 00:42:13,526
Never.
810
00:42:15,828 --> 00:42:17,930
Brandon Conroy.
811
00:42:24,603 --> 00:42:25,803
Hello Mr. Conroy.
812
00:42:25,805 --> 00:42:26,637
Hi.
813
00:42:26,639 --> 00:42:27,905
I'm Dr. Sahni.
814
00:42:27,907 --> 00:42:30,674
Oh, yeah, I normally
see Dr. Kurtzman?
815
00:42:30,676 --> 00:42:33,777
Oh, he retired five
or six months ago.
816
00:42:33,779 --> 00:42:35,947
This is my first week.
817
00:42:35,949 --> 00:42:36,817
Welcome.
818
00:42:37,684 --> 00:42:39,818
So, what's the problem?
819
00:42:39,820 --> 00:42:43,554
It's like someone took a
sand blaster to my boom stick.
820
00:42:43,556 --> 00:42:45,125
Let's have a look.
821
00:42:48,627 --> 00:42:49,662
Oh my god.
822
00:42:50,663 --> 00:42:51,795
This looks like something I saw
823
00:42:51,797 --> 00:42:53,797
in my tropical disease seminar.
824
00:42:53,799 --> 00:42:55,133
How long's it been like this?
825
00:42:55,135 --> 00:42:56,567
Just since this morning.
826
00:42:56,569 --> 00:42:58,902
And before that,
was your penis normal
827
00:42:58,904 --> 00:43:01,675
or has it always
been disfigured?
828
00:43:02,709 --> 00:43:04,809
Normal, it's normal.
829
00:43:04,811 --> 00:43:06,111
Do you work with
toxic chemicals?
830
00:43:06,113 --> 00:43:07,245
No.
831
00:43:07,247 --> 00:43:08,346
Have you recently spent
time in the African bush?
832
00:43:08,348 --> 00:43:09,581
No.
833
00:43:09,583 --> 00:43:11,583
Have you had sex with any
prostitutes from that region?
834
00:43:11,585 --> 00:43:12,350
No!
835
00:43:12,352 --> 00:43:14,219
Any exposure to monkey feces?
836
00:43:14,221 --> 00:43:15,720
Monkey feces?
837
00:43:15,722 --> 00:43:17,789
So, no interspecies
intercourse?
838
00:43:17,791 --> 00:43:18,923
Oh, for fuck, no!
839
00:43:18,925 --> 00:43:20,758
Mr. Conroy, I'm
going to need the names
840
00:43:20,760 --> 00:43:22,795
of your sexual partners.
841
00:43:25,199 --> 00:43:27,899
Get Dr. Palmer down here right
away to look at Mr. Conroy.
842
00:43:27,901 --> 00:43:31,036
We have a possible miasmic
STD of unknown origin.
843
00:43:31,038 --> 00:43:32,704
Is it that serious?
844
00:43:32,706 --> 00:43:35,274
He's had sex with 21 women
in the last four years.
845
00:43:35,276 --> 00:43:36,210
Go, go, go.
846
00:43:38,945 --> 00:43:41,079
I've never seen
anything like this before.
847
00:43:41,081 --> 00:43:42,714
It looks like a mix
of genital herpes,
848
00:43:42,716 --> 00:43:44,816
syphilis and a gun shot wound.
849
00:43:44,818 --> 00:43:47,287
Maybe it's a mutant hybrid?
850
00:43:48,656 --> 00:43:49,922
You ask him about money feces?
851
00:43:49,924 --> 00:43:51,893
I did, and negative.
852
00:43:53,327 --> 00:43:54,960
Sterile swab.
853
00:43:54,962 --> 00:43:56,228
Whoa.
854
00:43:56,230 --> 00:43:57,963
What's up with the swab?
855
00:43:57,965 --> 00:44:00,866
I'm gonna insert this into
your urethra, get a culture,
856
00:44:00,868 --> 00:44:02,234
run a test and see
if we can figure out
857
00:44:02,236 --> 00:44:04,702
what's goin' on with you, okay?
858
00:44:04,704 --> 00:44:05,772
'Kay.
859
00:44:08,842 --> 00:44:09,709
Hmm.
860
00:44:22,090 --> 00:44:23,656
Oh god.
861
00:44:23,658 --> 00:44:24,356
There we go.
862
00:44:24,358 --> 00:44:26,761
That wasn't so bad, was it?
863
00:44:30,231 --> 00:44:32,098
I'm so sorry.
864
00:44:32,100 --> 00:44:33,299
It's okay, we got another one.
865
00:44:33,301 --> 00:44:34,733
No that's good.
866
00:44:34,735 --> 00:44:36,103
I'm sure that's fine.
867
00:44:36,105 --> 00:44:39,039
Come on, the three
second rule, right?
868
00:44:39,041 --> 00:44:42,042
It's okay, let's try
this again, shall we?
869
00:44:42,044 --> 00:44:43,078
Please no.
870
00:44:57,459 --> 00:44:58,858
Hey.
871
00:44:58,860 --> 00:45:01,194
Oh sweetie, thank
god you're here.
872
00:45:01,196 --> 00:45:02,896
How you doing, honey?
873
00:45:02,898 --> 00:45:04,831
They don't know what I have.
874
00:45:04,833 --> 00:45:07,367
Oh, I'm sure
everything will be okay
875
00:45:07,369 --> 00:45:09,436
once they figure out
which one of your 21 sluts
876
00:45:09,438 --> 00:45:11,171
gave you the disease!
877
00:45:11,173 --> 00:45:13,874
Whatever happened to
quality over quantity?
878
00:45:13,876 --> 00:45:17,844
The numbers don't matter,
I always wore condoms.
879
00:45:17,846 --> 00:45:18,979
Except with you.
880
00:45:18,981 --> 00:45:20,180
Oh please!
881
00:45:20,182 --> 00:45:22,349
I only slept with
one man for 14 years.
882
00:45:22,351 --> 00:45:23,783
But who did he
sleep with, huh?
883
00:45:23,785 --> 00:45:25,921
You're so full of shit!
884
00:45:27,123 --> 00:45:28,389
I'm his wife!
885
00:45:28,391 --> 00:45:30,090
Oh yes, I imagined so.
886
00:45:30,092 --> 00:45:31,758
I'm Dr. Dietz, now let's see
887
00:45:31,760 --> 00:45:34,730
what all this
excitement's about.
888
00:45:36,198 --> 00:45:38,131
You already checked for
monkey feces, right?
889
00:45:38,133 --> 00:45:39,001
I did.
890
00:45:46,408 --> 00:45:49,510
Mr. Conroy, you have cystitis.
891
00:45:49,512 --> 00:45:50,478
Oh god.
892
00:45:50,480 --> 00:45:51,379
Shit.
893
00:45:51,381 --> 00:45:54,781
Commonly known as
honeymoon disease
894
00:45:54,783 --> 00:45:58,352
from too much intense
sexual activity.
895
00:45:58,354 --> 00:46:00,887
You just need to give
the little fellow a rest.
896
00:46:00,889 --> 00:46:03,391
Avoid sex for four or five days.
897
00:46:03,393 --> 00:46:06,093
Only touch it when
absolutely necessary
898
00:46:06,095 --> 00:46:08,762
and you'll be right
as rain in no time.
899
00:46:08,764 --> 00:46:10,132
Oh, thank god.
900
00:46:11,435 --> 00:46:13,134
Oh, thank you.
901
00:46:13,136 --> 00:46:14,869
You can put that down.
902
00:46:14,871 --> 00:46:17,271
I'm sorry.
903
00:46:17,273 --> 00:46:18,906
So, let me get this straight,
904
00:46:18,908 --> 00:46:22,544
they swabbed your schlong
twice, yet they didn't have to?
905
00:46:22,546 --> 00:46:24,045
Yeah.
906
00:46:27,550 --> 00:46:31,988
Oh boy, that is marriage
in a nutshell, ain't it?
907
00:46:39,263 --> 00:46:42,064
Mrs. Halvorsen, I was just
getting ready for tomorrow.
908
00:46:42,066 --> 00:46:44,031
I'm afraid there's a problem.
909
00:46:44,033 --> 00:46:46,801
We just received your
background check.
910
00:46:46,803 --> 00:46:49,204
You were arrested for a felony.
911
00:46:49,206 --> 00:46:51,540
But I received a
deferred adjudication.
912
00:46:51,542 --> 00:46:53,007
I wasn't convicted.
913
00:46:53,009 --> 00:46:55,410
I was still able to
teach in West Virginia.
914
00:46:55,412 --> 00:46:57,979
Obviously we hold a
higher standard here
915
00:46:57,981 --> 00:46:59,815
at Van Nuys Christian.
916
00:46:59,817 --> 00:47:01,149
I'm an excellent teacher,
I've been teaching for...
917
00:47:01,151 --> 00:47:02,351
I'm sorry.
918
00:47:02,353 --> 00:47:04,419
Maybe if you hadn't
been dishonest,
919
00:47:04,421 --> 00:47:07,522
but we're going to have to
terminate your contract.
920
00:47:07,524 --> 00:47:09,958
I'm sorry, I
didn't mean to lie,
921
00:47:09,960 --> 00:47:11,994
I was just trying to
make a good impression.
922
00:47:13,931 --> 00:47:15,464
Don't apologize to me.
923
00:47:15,466 --> 00:47:17,067
Apologize to Jesus.
924
00:47:50,635 --> 00:47:52,602
You're still upset about
what happened yesterday,
925
00:47:52,604 --> 00:47:53,403
aren't you?
926
00:47:53,405 --> 00:47:54,939
Yeah, I mean no.
927
00:47:58,443 --> 00:48:01,611
Look, we've both
make mistakes and,
928
00:48:01,613 --> 00:48:02,978
I don't think we
should judge each other
929
00:48:02,980 --> 00:48:05,348
for things that
happened before we met.
930
00:48:05,350 --> 00:48:07,650
Yeah, no, I completely agree.
931
00:48:07,652 --> 00:48:12,121
The past is the past and we
should just be looking forward
932
00:48:12,123 --> 00:48:14,427
to the road ahead together.
933
00:48:25,437 --> 00:48:28,840
At least it's all
out in the open now.
934
00:48:30,508 --> 00:48:32,342
Look, I wanna tell you,
935
00:48:32,344 --> 00:48:33,877
I need to tell you
936
00:48:35,914 --> 00:48:37,849
that I agree 100%.
937
00:48:38,617 --> 00:48:39,485
Good.
938
00:48:42,488 --> 00:48:43,654
Oh, this is one of
my favorite episodes.
939
00:48:43,656 --> 00:48:45,121
Have you seen this one?
940
00:48:45,123 --> 00:48:46,390
No.
941
00:48:46,392 --> 00:48:48,259
Oh, this is classic.
942
00:49:03,676 --> 00:49:06,176
Ah, I won a Golden Heidi
943
00:49:06,178 --> 00:49:07,613
for that episode.
944
00:49:13,386 --> 00:49:15,154
I'll be right back.
945
00:49:32,104 --> 00:49:34,238
Hey, packed your
lunch for you.
946
00:49:34,240 --> 00:49:37,575
Oh my god, where
did you find this?
947
00:49:37,577 --> 00:49:38,612
I made it.
948
00:49:41,614 --> 00:49:43,482
Knock 'em dead, honey.
949
00:49:59,599 --> 00:50:01,699
I feel like such
a scam artist.
950
00:50:01,701 --> 00:50:04,469
I'm not built for this
kind of deception.
951
00:50:04,471 --> 00:50:06,704
Okay well, why don't you just
find another job real quick
952
00:50:06,706 --> 00:50:09,607
and then tell Brandon
you got a better offer?
953
00:50:09,609 --> 00:50:11,309
Finding one's not the problem.
954
00:50:11,311 --> 00:50:14,345
I got an interview at 12, I
just, I mean what's the point?
955
00:50:14,347 --> 00:50:16,114
They'll just vet me too.
956
00:50:16,116 --> 00:50:19,551
No one's gonna let a low down
ex-con near their children.
957
00:50:19,553 --> 00:50:20,618
Hmm.
958
00:50:20,620 --> 00:50:22,053
Oh, I got it!
959
00:50:22,055 --> 00:50:24,556
Okay, your middle
name is Lauren, right?
960
00:50:24,558 --> 00:50:28,259
So why don't you spell it
L-A-U-R-A-N instead of E-N
961
00:50:28,261 --> 00:50:30,261
and then your record
won't come up.
962
00:50:30,263 --> 00:50:31,763
Would that really work?
963
00:50:31,765 --> 00:50:32,697
I don't know.
964
00:50:32,699 --> 00:50:34,699
What have you got to lose?
965
00:50:34,701 --> 00:50:35,734
You know what?
966
00:50:35,736 --> 00:50:36,769
Nothing, you're right.
967
00:50:36,771 --> 00:50:38,237
You're absolutely right.
968
00:50:38,239 --> 00:50:41,676
Thank you so much,
you're a total genius.
969
00:50:44,345 --> 00:50:45,811
My car won't start.
970
00:50:45,813 --> 00:50:47,613
Okay, why don't you just
call Brandon real quick
971
00:50:47,615 --> 00:50:48,179
and then ask him...
972
00:50:48,181 --> 00:50:49,147
I can't call Brandon
973
00:50:49,149 --> 00:50:50,281
and ask him to take
me to a job interview
974
00:50:50,283 --> 00:50:52,050
when I'm supposed to be in
a job that I already have!
975
00:50:52,052 --> 00:50:52,685
Goodbye!
976
00:50:52,687 --> 00:50:53,721
Shit.
977
00:50:55,690 --> 00:50:57,288
Shit.
978
00:51:01,262 --> 00:51:02,094
Hey, Charlotte.
979
00:51:02,096 --> 00:51:02,997
Hey, Dan.
980
00:51:06,701 --> 00:51:07,733
Bye, Dan.
981
00:51:07,735 --> 00:51:08,603
Bye.
982
00:51:22,082 --> 00:51:25,654
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no!
983
00:51:27,623 --> 00:51:28,690
Goddammit!
984
00:51:42,603 --> 00:51:45,671
Eight years
teaching first grade.
985
00:51:45,673 --> 00:51:48,608
Volunteer for the Red Cross.
986
00:51:48,610 --> 00:51:51,313
Girl Scout camp summer leader.
987
00:51:52,714 --> 00:51:54,781
Oh, you went to UWV!
988
00:51:54,783 --> 00:51:56,148
Yeah.
989
00:51:56,150 --> 00:51:57,217
Proud Mountaineer here!
990
00:51:57,219 --> 00:51:58,150
You too?
991
00:51:58,152 --> 00:51:58,785
Teal pride.
992
00:52:05,694 --> 00:52:07,761
Oh, is Professor
Vassic still there?
993
00:52:07,763 --> 00:52:10,897
Oh yes, I loved
him, he was amazing.
994
00:52:10,899 --> 00:52:14,702
Well, then I know you
have an excellent education.
995
00:52:14,704 --> 00:52:15,602
Actually Mrs. Newton,
996
00:52:15,604 --> 00:52:18,640
there's something
I need to tell you.
997
00:52:20,442 --> 00:52:21,876
Hey, Brandon.
998
00:52:21,878 --> 00:52:22,844
Hey, bro.
999
00:52:25,747 --> 00:52:28,615
Look, there's no easy
way to say this, man.
1000
00:52:28,617 --> 00:52:30,650
A senior project
manager over at Plan C
1001
00:52:30,652 --> 00:52:31,885
is moving to London,
1002
00:52:31,887 --> 00:52:35,358
so Matthew called and
offered me the job.
1003
00:52:38,160 --> 00:52:39,192
What can I say, man?
1004
00:52:39,194 --> 00:52:40,795
I'm a weasel.
1005
00:52:40,797 --> 00:52:43,633
I'm a weasel and I'm a sellout.
1006
00:52:44,801 --> 00:52:46,301
Well, thanks.
1007
00:52:47,469 --> 00:52:48,836
No bullshit, I fought for you.
1008
00:52:48,838 --> 00:52:50,370
I swear, man.
1009
00:52:50,372 --> 00:52:51,540
Look, I'm old.
1010
00:52:52,608 --> 00:52:54,742
I got alimony
payments up the wang.
1011
00:52:54,744 --> 00:52:56,710
You can still use the
office, if you want.
1012
00:52:56,712 --> 00:52:59,382
Nah, it's your garage and all.
1013
00:53:03,786 --> 00:53:08,625
Yeah, and so, I just wanted
to be completely up front.
1014
00:53:09,759 --> 00:53:11,559
I appreciate your
candor, Charlotte.
1015
00:53:11,561 --> 00:53:14,228
And I'd like to think we're
a little more forgiving
1016
00:53:14,230 --> 00:53:18,733
than the Christians over at
Van Nuys Christian School.
1017
00:53:18,735 --> 00:53:20,837
So, I'll get back to you.
1018
00:53:38,488 --> 00:53:41,624
Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no!
1019
00:53:44,227 --> 00:53:48,265
Hi, I need to report a
stolen, or a missing car.
1020
00:53:49,333 --> 00:53:51,201
I don't know where is,
1021
00:53:53,237 --> 00:53:55,236
I don't know the
license plate number.
1022
00:53:55,238 --> 00:53:58,573
Look, it's a Mustang,
it's really old.
1023
00:53:58,575 --> 00:54:00,609
There can't be
that many of them.
1024
00:54:00,611 --> 00:54:02,711
Look, I was really hoping
you can help me find this car
1025
00:54:02,713 --> 00:54:05,981
before my husband finds
out that it's missing.
1026
00:54:08,686 --> 00:54:11,689
Oh, my god.
1027
00:54:13,858 --> 00:54:15,759
Call Brandon Conroy.
1028
00:54:22,700 --> 00:54:24,433
Yeah.
1029
00:54:24,435 --> 00:54:25,767
No, stop, stop!
1030
00:54:25,769 --> 00:54:26,802
No, please stop, stop!
1031
00:54:26,804 --> 00:54:27,736
Hey!
1032
00:54:27,738 --> 00:54:29,640
Charlotte, are you okay?
1033
00:54:30,974 --> 00:54:31,842
Charlotte!
1034
00:54:32,676 --> 00:54:34,678
Charlotte, Charlotte!
1035
00:54:35,647 --> 00:54:36,715
Dan.
1036
00:54:38,683 --> 00:54:39,949
Dan, something
horrible has happened.
1037
00:54:39,951 --> 00:54:40,883
What?
1038
00:54:40,885 --> 00:54:42,518
Brandon's Mustang was stolen!
1039
00:54:42,520 --> 00:54:43,553
No, not the Mustang!
1040
00:54:43,555 --> 00:54:46,421
Yeah, he is gonna be furious.
1041
00:54:46,423 --> 00:54:47,589
Did you call the police?
1042
00:54:47,591 --> 00:54:49,826
Yes and when I didn't know
the license plate number,
1043
00:54:49,828 --> 00:54:51,359
they just laughed at me.
1044
00:54:51,361 --> 00:54:53,029
Do you happen to
know the number?
1045
00:54:53,031 --> 00:54:54,463
Yes, I do.
1046
00:54:55,666 --> 00:54:57,799
Why does he have that
stupid car anyways?
1047
00:54:57,801 --> 00:54:58,969
But I thought you loved it.
1048
00:54:58,971 --> 00:55:01,704
Yeah, I mean it's fun to
cruise around in sometimes
1049
00:55:01,706 --> 00:55:03,773
but I mean come on,
it's ridiculous.
1050
00:55:03,775 --> 00:55:05,641
It's just some
loud, gas guzzling,
1051
00:55:05,643 --> 00:55:09,347
middle-aged-mobile for
men with tiny dicks.
1052
00:55:10,749 --> 00:55:12,249
Come with me.
1053
00:55:17,989 --> 00:55:21,391
Charlotte Conroy,
I need to see her!
1054
00:55:23,629 --> 00:55:25,696
Oh my god, they
brought it back.
1055
00:55:25,698 --> 00:55:27,998
No, I had a GPS tracker on it.
1056
00:55:28,000 --> 00:55:31,734
Oh my god, oh my god, Dan,
thank you, thank you so much.
1057
00:55:31,736 --> 00:55:33,738
You totally saved my life!
1058
00:55:34,739 --> 00:55:36,039
Wait, why do you have a...
1059
00:55:36,041 --> 00:55:37,774
It's mine, it's
mine, Charlotte.
1060
00:55:37,776 --> 00:55:38,674
It's always been mine.
1061
00:55:38,676 --> 00:55:40,777
It wasn't stolen, I
just took it back.
1062
00:55:40,779 --> 00:55:42,378
But the car
belongs to Brandon.
1063
00:55:42,380 --> 00:55:43,813
No, it doesn't.
1064
00:55:43,815 --> 00:55:45,548
He borrowed it from me.
1065
00:55:45,550 --> 00:55:48,385
I guess he was trying
to impress you.
1066
00:55:48,387 --> 00:55:49,853
Why would that impress me?
1067
00:55:49,855 --> 00:55:53,457
I don't know, maybe because
it makes him look cool
1068
00:55:53,459 --> 00:55:55,893
and a little less broke.
1069
00:55:55,895 --> 00:55:57,060
Brandon is broke?
1070
00:55:57,062 --> 00:56:00,798
I shouldn't say
anything, I'm so sorry.
1071
00:56:00,800 --> 00:56:01,732
He's worse than broke.
1072
00:56:01,734 --> 00:56:04,367
He's in debt, calamitous,
crushing debt!
1073
00:56:04,369 --> 00:56:06,569
You know what, you know, I'm
glad I'm saying something,
1074
00:56:06,571 --> 00:56:08,972
this is for his own good.
1075
00:56:08,974 --> 00:56:10,375
I feel better.
1076
00:56:12,745 --> 00:56:15,079
Charlotte no
longer works here.
1077
00:56:15,081 --> 00:56:15,913
What?
1078
00:56:15,915 --> 00:56:17,381
We had to let her go.
1079
00:56:17,383 --> 00:56:19,550
She has a felony for
assault and battery.
1080
00:56:19,552 --> 00:56:20,884
It's shocking that
someone so well-mannered
1081
00:56:20,886 --> 00:56:22,788
could be so vicious.
1082
00:56:52,085 --> 00:56:52,953
Hey.
1083
00:56:53,954 --> 00:56:54,820
Hey.
1084
00:56:59,793 --> 00:57:03,962
Hey, what was up with
that phone call today?
1085
00:57:03,964 --> 00:57:07,901
Oh, sorry, someone
almost backed into my car.
1086
00:57:09,669 --> 00:57:10,537
Oh.
1087
00:57:11,504 --> 00:57:12,470
But you're okay now?
1088
00:57:12,472 --> 00:57:13,137
Oh yeah.
1089
00:57:13,139 --> 00:57:14,839
Oh.
1090
00:57:14,841 --> 00:57:16,007
Yeah.
1091
00:57:16,009 --> 00:57:17,409
That's good.
1092
00:57:18,645 --> 00:57:19,813
So how was work?
1093
00:57:20,714 --> 00:57:23,082
Good day with all the kids?
1094
00:57:23,084 --> 00:57:24,484
Yeah, great.
1095
00:57:25,219 --> 00:57:26,819
How about you?
1096
00:57:26,821 --> 00:57:28,455
Make lots of money?
1097
00:57:29,723 --> 00:57:30,790
Yeah.
1098
00:57:32,459 --> 00:57:33,660
That's good.
1099
00:57:39,666 --> 00:57:41,532
By the way, your Aunt
Sallie Mae wrote.
1100
00:57:41,534 --> 00:57:43,670
She'd like her $56,000 back.
1101
00:57:48,943 --> 00:57:51,176
Why are you going
through my mail?
1102
00:57:51,178 --> 00:57:53,846
Well, don't you
mean our mail, dear?
1103
00:57:53,848 --> 00:57:55,681
We're married and
we share everything.
1104
00:57:55,683 --> 00:57:57,683
Including a butt-load of debt.
1105
00:57:57,685 --> 00:57:59,251
Huh, you wanna share?
1106
00:57:59,253 --> 00:58:01,586
Okay, let's share.
1107
00:58:01,588 --> 00:58:04,823
Tell me all about the felony
you committed, darling.
1108
00:58:04,825 --> 00:58:06,058
What?
1109
00:58:06,060 --> 00:58:09,861
You know, the thing
you lost your job over.
1110
00:58:09,863 --> 00:58:10,863
You don't understand.
1111
00:58:10,865 --> 00:58:11,864
No, I think I do.
1112
00:58:11,866 --> 00:58:12,831
Assault and battery.
1113
00:58:12,833 --> 00:58:13,933
It's right there in the title.
1114
00:58:13,935 --> 00:58:15,000
Pretty self-explanatory.
1115
00:58:15,002 --> 00:58:16,236
It was my ex-fiance.
1116
00:58:16,238 --> 00:58:18,037
Oh, well that should
help me sleep at night.
1117
00:58:18,039 --> 00:58:19,840
It was an accident!
1118
00:58:20,942 --> 00:58:23,809
And you know what,
I wasn't convicted.
1119
00:58:23,811 --> 00:58:27,179
And at least I paid my debt
to society, unlike you.
1120
00:58:27,181 --> 00:58:29,715
Student loans aren't a crime.
1121
00:58:29,717 --> 00:58:31,617
They are if you
don't pay them!
1122
00:58:31,619 --> 00:58:33,185
Whoa, please don't
stab me with your shiv.
1123
00:58:33,187 --> 00:58:35,855
They'll send you back to
the joint, sweetheart.
1124
00:58:35,857 --> 00:58:39,726
At least there, you
know who people are.
1125
00:58:39,728 --> 00:58:41,828
Then why don't
you call the warden
1126
00:58:41,830 --> 00:58:43,797
and get your old bunk back.
1127
00:58:43,799 --> 00:58:46,699
I have let a
lot of shit slide.
1128
00:58:46,701 --> 00:58:47,968
Like what?
1129
00:58:47,970 --> 00:58:50,769
You don't know the
first thing about cooking.
1130
00:58:50,771 --> 00:58:51,837
Philip Seymour Hoffman
1131
00:58:51,839 --> 00:58:54,573
is not the quarterback
of the San Diego Chargers
1132
00:58:54,575 --> 00:58:56,942
and you, sir, are
no Lance Armstrong.
1133
00:58:56,944 --> 00:58:57,876
Three words.
1134
00:58:57,878 --> 00:59:00,247
Salsa, dancing, champion.
1135
00:59:00,249 --> 00:59:02,582
Oh, and how long did you think
1136
00:59:02,584 --> 00:59:05,986
that you could pretend
that stupid car was yours?
1137
00:59:05,988 --> 00:59:07,721
Goddamn, Dan!
1138
00:59:07,723 --> 00:59:08,922
And the worst part,
1139
00:59:08,924 --> 00:59:11,725
the worst part is that you
make made me look like a idiot
1140
00:59:11,727 --> 00:59:12,959
in front of Dan and Rita.
1141
00:59:12,961 --> 00:59:15,895
Like the only friends that I
have in this miserable place.
1142
00:59:15,897 --> 00:59:17,897
Hey, you make me
look like an idiot too.
1143
00:59:17,899 --> 00:59:19,065
I didn't know who I married.
1144
00:59:19,067 --> 00:59:21,700
Are you this sweet
adorable school teacher
1145
00:59:21,702 --> 00:59:24,771
or a deranged grifter
come to ruin my life?
1146
00:59:24,773 --> 00:59:26,240
Well, if you
really feel that way,
1147
00:59:26,242 --> 00:59:29,110
then maybe, maybe, maybe
we should both admit
1148
00:59:29,112 --> 00:59:31,312
that we made a mistake
and then just split ways!
1149
00:59:31,314 --> 00:59:32,346
You know what,
maybe we should!
1150
00:59:32,348 --> 00:59:33,180
Yeah?
1151
00:59:33,182 --> 00:59:34,014
Yeah!
1152
00:59:34,016 --> 00:59:34,848
Yeah!
1153
00:59:34,850 --> 00:59:35,715
Fine!
1154
00:59:35,717 --> 00:59:36,750
Fine!
1155
00:59:36,752 --> 00:59:37,619
Fine!
1156
00:59:40,055 --> 00:59:42,722
How long
you two been hitched?
1157
00:59:42,724 --> 00:59:44,290
BRANDON AND
CHARLOTTE: 10 days.
1158
00:59:44,292 --> 00:59:45,160
10 days?
1159
00:59:46,863 --> 00:59:49,163
Are you celebrities
of some sort?
1160
00:59:49,165 --> 00:59:50,164
No.
1161
00:59:50,166 --> 00:59:51,632
Peculiar.
1162
00:59:51,634 --> 00:59:53,134
So, how do we get
this thing started?
1163
00:59:53,136 --> 00:59:54,769
First of all, let me be clear,
1164
00:59:54,771 --> 00:59:56,804
I'm actin' as a
neutral third party
1165
00:59:56,806 --> 00:59:59,940
helpin' to negotiate
a fair settlement.
1166
00:59:59,942 --> 01:00:01,842
There's nothing to negotiate.
1167
01:00:01,844 --> 01:00:03,643
We're in complete
divorce agreement.
1168
01:00:03,645 --> 01:00:05,946
That's the only thing
we're in agreement on.
1169
01:00:05,948 --> 01:00:08,015
Fair enough, I'll
draw up the contract
1170
01:00:08,017 --> 01:00:10,918
and y'all can come back
next Thursday and sign it.
1171
01:00:10,920 --> 01:00:11,919
Thursday?
1172
01:00:11,921 --> 01:00:13,355
Why not today?
1173
01:00:13,357 --> 01:00:15,756
Don't you have some
generic forms lyin' around,
1174
01:00:15,758 --> 01:00:17,325
like divorcezoom. com?
1175
01:00:17,327 --> 01:00:18,694
Generic forms?
1176
01:00:19,996 --> 01:00:22,797
Every divorce is unique.
1177
01:00:22,799 --> 01:00:26,803
Regardless of race, religion
or sexual preference.
1178
01:00:27,870 --> 01:00:29,870
Now how would you
like to handle my fee?
1179
01:00:29,872 --> 01:00:31,072
We'll split it.
1180
01:00:31,074 --> 01:00:34,709
You got that much or do
you need to get another loan?
1181
01:00:34,711 --> 01:00:38,681
You're sure Thursday's
the best you can do?
1182
01:00:42,219 --> 01:00:44,054
So, where you staying?
1183
01:00:46,390 --> 01:00:47,788
What?
1184
01:00:47,790 --> 01:00:48,923
It's my apartment.
1185
01:00:48,925 --> 01:00:52,294
I gave up my job, my home
and best friend for you.
1186
01:00:52,296 --> 01:00:55,263
I'm not leaving the apartment
and I'm not paying you rent.
1187
01:00:55,265 --> 01:00:59,267
Well, you'd better start
cooking or cleaning or,
1188
01:00:59,269 --> 01:01:00,168
doing something.
1189
01:01:00,170 --> 01:01:01,803
Asshole!
1190
01:01:01,805 --> 01:01:03,240
And your car sucks!
1191
01:01:38,343 --> 01:01:39,741
I'm so sorry Char.
1192
01:01:39,743 --> 01:01:41,343
Men are such turds.
1193
01:02:04,035 --> 01:02:06,001
So, then you wanna
subtract the top number
1194
01:02:06,003 --> 01:02:08,504
from the other one
you got right there.
1195
01:02:08,506 --> 01:02:09,372
Okay.
1196
01:02:09,374 --> 01:02:10,940
You go it!
1197
01:02:10,942 --> 01:02:12,645
Awesome, good job!
1198
01:02:46,178 --> 01:02:49,513
Have a great
day in your work.
1199
01:02:49,515 --> 01:02:50,382
Love you.
1200
01:03:01,860 --> 01:03:03,896
No, I haven't done much
1201
01:03:05,030 --> 01:03:08,198
any animated porn but
I am a fast learner
1202
01:03:08,200 --> 01:03:10,467
and I love animation,
1203
01:03:10,469 --> 01:03:12,238
and porn, so win-win.
1204
01:03:13,539 --> 01:03:15,372
Okay, well please
keep me in mind.
1205
01:03:15,374 --> 01:03:16,506
Thank you.
1206
01:03:22,482 --> 01:03:24,115
Surprise!
1207
01:03:24,117 --> 01:03:25,250
Happy Birthday!
1208
01:03:25,252 --> 01:03:27,918
Happy birthday, son!
1209
01:03:27,920 --> 01:03:30,022
Wow, I didn't expect...
1210
01:03:31,424 --> 01:03:32,823
How's the Antarctica?
1211
01:03:32,825 --> 01:03:33,824
Amazing!
1212
01:03:33,826 --> 01:03:35,058
Your mother was the hero.
1213
01:03:35,060 --> 01:03:37,894
She devised a scheme to foul
the prop on the Nisshin Maru.
1214
01:03:37,896 --> 01:03:39,029
And your father
was shot in the balls
1215
01:03:39,031 --> 01:03:41,098
by one of the
Japanese deckhands.
1216
01:03:41,100 --> 01:03:42,199
With a rubber bullet.
1217
01:03:42,201 --> 01:03:43,967
It swelled up like coconuts.
1218
01:03:43,969 --> 01:03:46,571
I've got a lovely
bunch of coconuts.
1219
01:03:46,573 --> 01:03:47,872
Lookin' good boy.
1220
01:03:47,874 --> 01:03:49,173
So good to see you.
1221
01:03:49,175 --> 01:03:51,211
Yeah, so good.
1222
01:03:59,586 --> 01:04:00,585
Hey, what'd you tell them?
1223
01:04:00,587 --> 01:04:01,586
About what?
1224
01:04:01,588 --> 01:04:03,388
About us, about the divorce.
1225
01:04:03,390 --> 01:04:04,455
When?
1226
01:04:04,457 --> 01:04:05,390
They haven't stopped
talking since they got here.
1227
01:04:05,392 --> 01:04:06,559
Oh, thank god.
1228
01:04:07,893 --> 01:04:09,159
You're gonna
have to tell them.
1229
01:04:09,161 --> 01:04:11,363
Well, not tonight,
it's my birthday.
1230
01:04:11,365 --> 01:04:12,864
Plus it's humiliating.
1231
01:04:12,866 --> 01:04:14,299
They're marriage
has lasted 32 years
1232
01:04:14,301 --> 01:04:18,936
and ours lasted about as
long as a Hobbit movie.
1233
01:04:18,938 --> 01:04:20,539
Happy birthday, son.
1234
01:04:20,541 --> 01:04:24,075
My charitable works
continue, I see.
1235
01:04:24,077 --> 01:04:25,610
What's this?
1236
01:04:25,612 --> 01:04:29,547
Two tickets to Tahiti for an
all inclusive stay at Brando.
1237
01:04:29,549 --> 01:04:31,649
It's a luxury eco-resort.
1238
01:04:31,651 --> 01:04:35,054
I could have been a contender.
1239
01:04:35,056 --> 01:04:36,555
Because my boy and
his beautiful bride
1240
01:04:36,557 --> 01:04:41,095
deserve the absolute best
honeymoon the money can buy.
1241
01:04:42,663 --> 01:04:43,595
Speaking of honeymoons,
1242
01:04:43,597 --> 01:04:45,897
you know your father
and I are undergoing
1243
01:04:45,899 --> 01:04:48,032
a bit of a second one right now.
1244
01:04:48,034 --> 01:04:50,469
Let's just say, we're
experiencing a refreshed sense
1245
01:04:50,471 --> 01:04:52,571
of sexual energy.
1246
01:04:52,573 --> 01:04:55,406
Exploring our aging bodies.
1247
01:04:55,408 --> 01:04:58,946
So many delicious new
cavities to explore.
1248
01:05:01,482 --> 01:05:02,981
Well, it's a very
thoughtful gift
1249
01:05:02,983 --> 01:05:05,918
and I thank you very much.
1250
01:05:05,920 --> 01:05:07,453
It's thoughtful,
isn't it, Charlotte?
1251
01:05:07,455 --> 01:05:09,955
Yeah, yeah, thank you so much.
1252
01:05:09,957 --> 01:05:11,390
Okay, let's have a photo.
1253
01:05:11,392 --> 01:05:13,160
Hold up your present.
1254
01:05:16,297 --> 01:05:18,330
This isn't the Middle
East peace talks.
1255
01:05:18,332 --> 01:05:19,567
How about a kiss?
1256
01:05:25,374 --> 01:05:26,241
Lovely.
1257
01:05:39,588 --> 01:05:42,988
I'm sensing a little
bit of disharmony.
1258
01:05:42,990 --> 01:05:44,656
I'm sorry, I'm
just feeling a bit...
1259
01:05:44,658 --> 01:05:47,427
Yeah, I know, is it Brandon?
1260
01:05:47,429 --> 01:05:48,595
You know, because
he's a sweet boy
1261
01:05:48,597 --> 01:05:50,730
but he can also be a
massive pain in the ass.
1262
01:05:50,732 --> 01:05:52,401
Trust me, I know.
1263
01:05:53,969 --> 01:05:54,634
It's not just him.
1264
01:05:54,636 --> 01:05:56,736
It's just that we,
1265
01:05:56,738 --> 01:06:00,707
you know, we both weren't as
honest as we should have been.
1266
01:06:00,709 --> 01:06:01,576
Ah.
1267
01:06:04,446 --> 01:06:07,649
Well, I remember
when Jerry and I met.
1268
01:06:08,750 --> 01:06:12,586
He thought I was a
democrat and a virgin.
1269
01:06:13,523 --> 01:06:17,090
The truth is, I was
in love with Reagan
1270
01:06:17,092 --> 01:06:20,661
and I'd slept with half the
boys in the neighborhood.
1271
01:06:20,663 --> 01:06:22,462
So, you?
1272
01:06:22,464 --> 01:06:26,766
Well, I told him what I
thought he wanted to hear
1273
01:06:26,768 --> 01:06:29,769
which was not the truth, I...
1274
01:06:29,771 --> 01:06:30,703
You...
1275
01:06:30,705 --> 01:06:33,241
Lied, yes, guilty as charged.
1276
01:06:34,377 --> 01:06:38,245
But when I met him, I
knew he was special.
1277
01:06:38,247 --> 01:06:42,616
So all of this nonsense just
came babbling out of me.
1278
01:06:42,618 --> 01:06:44,552
And how did you?
1279
01:06:44,554 --> 01:06:47,020
I eventually found the courage
1280
01:06:47,022 --> 01:06:51,059
to tell him what was in
my head and in my heart.
1281
01:06:52,394 --> 01:06:54,595
And that's been the
glue of our relationship
1282
01:06:54,597 --> 01:06:57,096
from that day forward.
1283
01:06:57,098 --> 01:06:58,767
You sure you don't
want some of this?
1284
01:06:58,769 --> 01:07:00,234
It's Peruvian hog's breath.
1285
01:07:00,236 --> 01:07:02,203
They grow it above three line.
1286
01:07:02,205 --> 01:07:03,471
Sweet.
1287
01:07:03,473 --> 01:07:06,106
Nah, I'm good, thanks, Dad.
1288
01:07:06,108 --> 01:07:08,411
I'm not really in the mood.
1289
01:07:09,345 --> 01:07:11,612
Why so glum, Sunny Jim?
1290
01:07:11,614 --> 01:07:13,681
I don't know, Dad.
1291
01:07:13,683 --> 01:07:15,151
Marriage is hard.
1292
01:07:18,521 --> 01:07:22,290
You have a keen
grasp of the obvious.
1293
01:07:22,292 --> 01:07:26,497
I think mine was just a
bad idea from the start.
1294
01:07:27,664 --> 01:07:31,735
Brandon, not a day goes
by that I don't ask myself,
1295
01:07:33,236 --> 01:07:36,771
did I do the right thing
marrying that woman?
1296
01:07:36,773 --> 01:07:40,207
That's not very romantic, Dad.
1297
01:07:40,209 --> 01:07:43,412
It is when the
answer is always yes.
1298
01:08:11,609 --> 01:08:12,744
Oh, my god.
1299
01:08:27,624 --> 01:08:30,492
Oh,
no, no, no, no, no.
1300
01:08:54,251 --> 01:08:55,283
Sweetie, what's wrong?
1301
01:08:55,285 --> 01:08:56,251
Are you okay?
1302
01:08:56,253 --> 01:08:57,619
Yeah, Mom, I know, I'm fine.
1303
01:08:57,621 --> 01:08:59,388
I just have a
headache, that's all.
1304
01:08:59,390 --> 01:09:01,357
I think I
have something for that.
1305
01:09:01,359 --> 01:09:03,626
Well, you've always got
somethin' for somethin'.
1306
01:09:03,628 --> 01:09:06,829
Great, why do you
have a DEA property room
1307
01:09:06,831 --> 01:09:08,297
around your waist?
1308
01:09:08,299 --> 01:09:09,465
SCHWEITZER POLIZEI
FRAU: Oh, I would love
1309
01:09:09,467 --> 01:09:10,633
to make this bust.
1310
01:09:10,635 --> 01:09:14,403
Window Pane acid, peyote,
shrooms, mescaline, ecstasy,
1311
01:09:14,405 --> 01:09:16,639
hashish and Viagra.
1312
01:09:16,641 --> 01:09:18,341
It's our mobile first aid kit.
1313
01:09:18,343 --> 01:09:20,676
Recently replenished
in Tierra del Fuego.
1314
01:09:20,678 --> 01:09:22,613
You know, they have a
very enlightened attitude
1315
01:09:22,615 --> 01:09:24,483
towards psychotropics.
1316
01:09:25,350 --> 01:09:26,451
Here it is.
1317
01:09:27,251 --> 01:09:28,752
Ginger root.
1318
01:09:28,754 --> 01:09:31,788
Yeah, Dad, don't
you have any Advil?
1319
01:09:31,790 --> 01:09:32,658
Advil.
1320
01:09:33,859 --> 01:09:35,728
That's fuckin' poison.
1321
01:09:38,696 --> 01:09:40,563
Ow, shit!
1322
01:09:40,565 --> 01:09:41,432
Ow, god.
1323
01:09:43,234 --> 01:09:44,467
What?
1324
01:09:44,469 --> 01:09:45,701
Good
morning, Charlotte,
1325
01:09:45,703 --> 01:09:48,205
this is Bonnie Newton from the
Culver City Charter School.
1326
01:09:48,207 --> 01:09:49,708
Is this a good time?
1327
01:09:50,743 --> 01:09:53,343
Yeah, yeah, definitely, hi.
1328
01:09:53,345 --> 01:09:55,211
Good, well,
we're having a gathering
1329
01:09:55,213 --> 01:09:56,980
this afternoon with
some of the board.
1330
01:09:56,982 --> 01:09:59,516
I thought it might help
your cause if you attended
1331
01:09:59,518 --> 01:10:01,818
and demonstrated to
everyone what a solid,
1332
01:10:01,820 --> 01:10:03,520
upstanding, young woman you are.
1333
01:10:03,522 --> 01:10:06,489
Yeah, I would
love to, thank you.
1334
01:10:06,491 --> 01:10:07,724
Well, we
West Virginia gals
1335
01:10:07,726 --> 01:10:09,693
have to stick together.
1336
01:10:10,797 --> 01:10:11,696
I'll email you the details.
1337
01:10:11,698 --> 01:10:13,430
Okay, great.
1338
01:10:13,432 --> 01:10:14,766
Oh, and
bring that charming
1339
01:10:14,768 --> 01:10:16,934
and supportive husband of yours.
1340
01:10:16,936 --> 01:10:19,403
Yeah, of course,
thank you, yeah.
1341
01:10:19,405 --> 01:10:21,238
I'll will see you there, thanks.
1342
01:10:21,240 --> 01:10:22,508
Bye.
1343
01:10:26,512 --> 01:10:27,577
First, you want me
to tell my parents
1344
01:10:27,579 --> 01:10:30,280
we're getting divorced
and now, you want me to go
1345
01:10:30,282 --> 01:10:33,850
to a garden party and pretend
we're happily married?
1346
01:10:33,852 --> 01:10:35,520
Brandon, just please.
1347
01:10:35,522 --> 01:10:37,755
If I get this job, then
I'll have enough money
1348
01:10:37,757 --> 01:10:39,324
and I can move out.
1349
01:10:40,593 --> 01:10:41,428
Okay.
1350
01:10:42,529 --> 01:10:44,494
That makes sense.
1351
01:10:44,496 --> 01:10:46,766
So nice to see you again.
1352
01:10:48,768 --> 01:10:49,599
Oh, Charlotte.
1353
01:10:49,601 --> 01:10:50,567
Hi.
1354
01:10:50,569 --> 01:10:51,668
So glad you
could make it, dear.
1355
01:10:51,670 --> 01:10:52,737
Thank you for having us.
1356
01:10:52,739 --> 01:10:53,704
You're welcome.
1357
01:10:53,706 --> 01:10:55,639
Mrs. Newton, this
is my husband Brandon.
1358
01:10:55,641 --> 01:10:56,841
Very nice to meet you.
1359
01:10:56,843 --> 01:10:59,277
And this is our host
and head of the board,
1360
01:10:59,279 --> 01:11:01,713
Dr. Glenn Wooster and his
mother,
1361
01:11:01,715 --> 01:11:05,418
- Lilian Cavendish Wooster.
- Nice to meet you.
1362
01:11:11,558 --> 01:11:12,790
You know, Charlotte has
been teaching first grade
1363
01:11:12,792 --> 01:11:14,759
for over eight years.
1364
01:11:14,761 --> 01:11:15,927
You don't find it challenging
1365
01:11:15,929 --> 01:11:17,662
to be around children all day?
1366
01:11:17,664 --> 01:11:20,865
Oh, god no, I just
love kids so much.
1367
01:11:20,867 --> 01:11:24,335
They're so honest
and entertaining.
1368
01:11:24,337 --> 01:11:26,605
I have this one student, Emily,
1369
01:11:26,607 --> 01:11:28,372
every day, anywhere she went,
1370
01:11:28,374 --> 01:11:30,641
she always had her two
Barbie dolls at her side.
1371
01:11:30,643 --> 01:11:32,710
And on her birthday, I
asked her what she wanted
1372
01:11:32,712 --> 01:11:34,779
and she told me, she
want more Barbies.
1373
01:11:34,781 --> 01:11:36,547
And so I asked
Emily, I was like,
1374
01:11:36,549 --> 01:11:38,050
well, you already have
Barbies, why do you need more?
1375
01:11:38,052 --> 01:11:40,718
And he said, because my
Barbies smoke and drink
1376
01:11:40,720 --> 01:11:41,654
way too much.
1377
01:11:48,095 --> 01:11:48,927
Excuse me.
1378
01:11:48,929 --> 01:11:50,362
Sure.
1379
01:11:50,364 --> 01:11:51,730
So I just, I don't know.
1380
01:11:51,732 --> 01:11:53,465
They are so much fun
and you never know
1381
01:11:53,467 --> 01:11:55,734
what they're gonna
say or do next.
1382
01:11:55,736 --> 01:11:58,504
Brandon, I
bear good tidings.
1383
01:11:58,506 --> 01:12:00,806
I just got you a full-time
gig working with me
1384
01:12:00,808 --> 01:12:03,709
over here at Plan C,
as promised, buddy.
1385
01:12:03,711 --> 01:12:05,677
Now, please go find a toilet,
1386
01:12:05,679 --> 01:12:06,945
lest you shit yourself with joy
1387
01:12:06,947 --> 01:12:08,679
when I tell you how much
you're getting paid.
1388
01:12:08,681 --> 01:12:09,849
Okay, bye.
1389
01:12:15,456 --> 01:12:16,789
It was so great to meet you.
1390
01:12:16,791 --> 01:12:17,623
Good luck.
1391
01:12:17,625 --> 01:12:18,457
Thank you.
1392
01:12:18,459 --> 01:12:19,092
Hey.
1393
01:12:19,094 --> 01:12:19,925
Hey.
1394
01:12:19,927 --> 01:12:21,027
Got you a beer.
1395
01:12:21,029 --> 01:12:21,896
Thanks.
1396
01:12:23,864 --> 01:12:27,099
You know, I really
don't like beer.
1397
01:12:27,101 --> 01:12:27,933
Really?
1398
01:12:27,935 --> 01:12:28,803
Yeah.
1399
01:12:30,070 --> 01:12:32,004
Neither do I.
1400
01:12:32,006 --> 01:12:33,806
SCHWEITZER POLIZEI
FRAU: At last the truth.
1401
01:12:33,808 --> 01:12:36,812
American beers
taste like shizer.
1402
01:12:41,448 --> 01:12:43,549
Mr. Wooster, I don't
know what the philosophy
1403
01:12:43,551 --> 01:12:45,118
of your school is
but my wife and I
1404
01:12:45,120 --> 01:12:47,821
are big supporters
of constructivism.
1405
01:12:47,823 --> 01:12:49,755
Yes, you know, we
really like the notion
1406
01:12:49,757 --> 01:12:51,891
that the teacher are
facilitating the students
1407
01:12:51,893 --> 01:12:53,826
to interact among themselves.
1408
01:12:53,828 --> 01:12:55,694
Instead of merely
lecturing at them
1409
01:12:55,696 --> 01:12:58,999
as they sit and becoming
passive listeners.
1410
01:12:59,001 --> 01:13:00,567
And having the
students realize
1411
01:13:00,569 --> 01:13:03,503
that everyone has
something to contribute.
1412
01:13:03,505 --> 01:13:05,638
Everyone has a value.
1413
01:13:05,640 --> 01:13:08,141
You must have
read our website.
1414
01:13:08,143 --> 01:13:10,844
No, we have a son
who attended a school
1415
01:13:10,846 --> 01:13:12,645
that was based on
constructivism.
1416
01:13:12,647 --> 01:13:17,416
And we could not be happier
with the way he turned out.
1417
01:13:17,418 --> 01:13:18,086
Cheers.
1418
01:13:23,693 --> 01:13:25,826
I think you made a
very good impression.
1419
01:13:25,828 --> 01:13:27,161
Thank you so much.
1420
01:13:27,163 --> 01:13:28,761
You're welcome, keep it up.
1421
01:13:28,763 --> 01:13:32,632
And by the way, your
in-laws are fabulous.
1422
01:13:32,634 --> 01:13:34,001
Yeah, they're something.
1423
01:13:34,003 --> 01:13:35,102
Oh, my daughter's here!
1424
01:13:35,104 --> 01:13:36,603
She's visiting from Morgantown.
1425
01:13:36,605 --> 01:13:37,670
Hi, honey.
1426
01:13:37,672 --> 01:13:38,571
Hey, Mom.
1427
01:13:38,573 --> 01:13:39,839
Hi, sweetie.
1428
01:13:39,841 --> 01:13:42,075
Charlotte Conroy, I'd like to
introduce you to my daughter,
1429
01:13:42,077 --> 01:13:44,644
Anais, and her husband, Steven.
1430
01:13:44,646 --> 01:13:45,745
Hi, there.
1431
01:13:45,747 --> 01:13:46,881
Steven.
1432
01:13:46,883 --> 01:13:47,815
So predictable.
1433
01:13:47,817 --> 01:13:49,083
Sex, missionary position.
1434
01:13:52,822 --> 01:13:53,888
Asshole!
1435
01:13:53,890 --> 01:13:55,858
Pleasure to meet you.
1436
01:13:57,660 --> 01:13:59,929
Purse is in the dishwasher.
1437
01:14:05,835 --> 01:14:08,501
Mother,
this is wonderful.
1438
01:14:08,503 --> 01:14:10,804
So lovely what you
put together here.
1439
01:14:10,806 --> 01:14:12,873
Grilled shrimp?
1440
01:14:12,875 --> 01:14:14,775
I guess it must have
taken you a very long time
1441
01:14:14,777 --> 01:14:16,044
to ride back from Rwanda.
1442
01:14:16,046 --> 01:14:16,913
Ah!
1443
01:14:21,050 --> 01:14:23,486
Sorry, will you excuse me.
1444
01:14:29,025 --> 01:14:31,759
Hey, honey, look at that.
1445
01:14:31,761 --> 01:14:33,962
Let's go for a walk.
1446
01:14:33,964 --> 01:14:35,797
Hey, you feelin' okay?
1447
01:14:35,799 --> 01:14:36,998
Do you wanna play doctor?
1448
01:14:37,000 --> 01:14:39,566
Okay, Charlotte,
what is going on here?
1449
01:14:39,568 --> 01:14:40,735
I forgot to feed my cat.
1450
01:14:40,737 --> 01:14:41,604
Oh, boy!
1451
01:14:42,272 --> 01:14:44,141
Charlotte, talk to me.
1452
01:14:45,842 --> 01:14:47,110
Charlotte, hey.
1453
01:14:49,012 --> 01:14:50,278
Brandon.
1454
01:14:50,280 --> 01:14:52,047
What the hell are
you two doing here?
1455
01:14:52,049 --> 01:14:53,114
We came to help Charlotte.
1456
01:14:53,116 --> 01:14:54,815
This is very important to her.
1457
01:14:54,817 --> 01:14:55,749
We know.
1458
01:14:55,751 --> 01:14:56,850
We know everything.
1459
01:14:56,852 --> 01:14:58,053
That's why we come here,
1460
01:14:58,055 --> 01:14:59,721
we don't want you to
make a terrible mistake
1461
01:14:59,723 --> 01:15:01,523
and throw away your soul
partner before the cosmos...
1462
01:15:01,525 --> 01:15:02,123
Wait a second.
1463
01:15:02,125 --> 01:15:03,560
Wait a minute.
1464
01:15:07,064 --> 01:15:08,296
Are you two high?
1465
01:15:08,298 --> 01:15:09,130
Brandon!
1466
01:15:09,132 --> 01:15:09,998
Of course we are.
1467
01:15:10,000 --> 01:15:11,666
Oh my god.
1468
01:15:11,668 --> 01:15:12,701
You don't think
that we would turn up
1469
01:15:12,703 --> 01:15:14,703
to something like this straight.
1470
01:15:14,705 --> 01:15:16,871
We've been fighting these
people our entire lives
1471
01:15:16,873 --> 01:15:18,773
with their bourgeoisie
pretentiousness.
1472
01:15:18,775 --> 01:15:20,041
And anal bleaching.
1473
01:15:20,043 --> 01:15:21,777
Would you folks care
for some conflict-free
1474
01:15:21,779 --> 01:15:23,946
Ugandan artichoke confit
on lardo brushed crostini?
1475
01:15:23,948 --> 01:15:24,816
No.
1476
01:15:26,717 --> 01:15:27,784
I'm so sorry.
1477
01:15:38,296 --> 01:15:39,696
Mrs. Conroy.
1478
01:15:40,731 --> 01:15:42,264
How's the new bride?
1479
01:15:42,266 --> 01:15:44,132
Couldn't be better.
1480
01:15:44,134 --> 01:15:46,902
Do I sense
trouble in paradise?
1481
01:15:46,904 --> 01:15:47,937
Not now, Steven.
1482
01:15:47,939 --> 01:15:50,339
Charlotte, this isn't you.
1483
01:15:50,341 --> 01:15:51,173
What?
1484
01:15:51,175 --> 01:15:52,208
What do you mean?
1485
01:15:52,210 --> 01:15:53,378
I am so sorry.
1486
01:15:54,979 --> 01:15:58,781
I hurt you very badly and your
life has taken an ugly turn,
1487
01:15:58,783 --> 01:15:59,817
I apologize.
1488
01:16:00,985 --> 01:16:04,753
You obviously married the
first guy you met after me.
1489
01:16:04,755 --> 01:16:06,055
Where was it?
1490
01:16:06,057 --> 01:16:07,289
A dating website?
1491
01:16:07,291 --> 01:16:08,991
Singles bar?
1492
01:16:08,993 --> 01:16:10,193
Old Navy?
1493
01:16:10,195 --> 01:16:11,163
No, eBay.
1494
01:16:12,897 --> 01:16:14,131
Good god.
1495
01:16:14,133 --> 01:16:15,931
You bought a husband online?
1496
01:16:15,933 --> 01:16:20,002
No, we met online, and then
fell in love and got married.
1497
01:16:20,004 --> 01:16:22,372
And not after 14 years, Steven.
1498
01:16:22,374 --> 01:16:25,674
Not all the changes are bad.
1499
01:16:25,676 --> 01:16:26,711
The clothes.
1500
01:16:27,745 --> 01:16:28,613
The hair.
1501
01:16:30,882 --> 01:16:33,784
Do you think about
me, Charlotte?
1502
01:16:33,786 --> 01:16:36,386
'Cause I think about you.
1503
01:16:36,388 --> 01:16:37,821
Of course, I think about you.
1504
01:16:37,823 --> 01:16:40,625
We spent half our
lives together.
1505
01:16:51,270 --> 01:16:52,902
The whale song.
1506
01:16:52,904 --> 01:16:55,071
The whale song, the mating
cry of the humpback.
1507
01:16:55,073 --> 01:16:56,772
Let's get you into
the house, mother,
1508
01:16:56,774 --> 01:16:59,778
and you can take
a nice little nap.
1509
01:17:01,381 --> 01:17:03,080
How dare you?
1510
01:17:03,082 --> 01:17:04,683
Let's go, mother.
1511
01:17:05,984 --> 01:17:08,787
Oh, I miss your
father so much!
1512
01:17:11,423 --> 01:17:12,823
Steven?
1513
01:17:12,825 --> 01:17:13,692
Yes.
1514
01:17:14,860 --> 01:17:16,795
You're such an asshole.
1515
01:17:18,263 --> 01:17:20,263
Is that all it took?
1516
01:17:20,265 --> 01:17:22,934
You want me now that
I'm with someone else?
1517
01:17:22,936 --> 01:17:24,368
There's more to it
than that, Charlotte.
1518
01:17:24,370 --> 01:17:25,836
Oh yeah, really, like what?
1519
01:17:25,838 --> 01:17:27,071
And you'd really better be quick
1520
01:17:27,073 --> 01:17:29,173
because my husband is
right outside that door.
1521
01:17:29,175 --> 01:17:32,276
And your wife, that poor woman.
1522
01:17:32,278 --> 01:17:34,245
I mean, you don't
even understand.
1523
01:17:34,247 --> 01:17:38,183
Anais, she is so spontaneous
and unpredictable.
1524
01:17:39,818 --> 01:17:41,985
One minute, we're
snowboarding in Telluride,
1525
01:17:41,987 --> 01:17:46,257
the next we are making love
in a Mexican agave field.
1526
01:17:46,259 --> 01:17:48,359
I miss your predictability.
1527
01:17:48,361 --> 01:17:51,963
I miss the quiet, boring
times, the unimaginative sex,
1528
01:17:51,965 --> 01:17:53,197
all of it.
1529
01:17:53,199 --> 01:17:56,236
I never appreciated
it until it was gone.
1530
01:17:57,703 --> 01:18:00,271
Well, it's not coming back.
1531
01:18:00,273 --> 01:18:01,141
Ever.
1532
01:18:02,275 --> 01:18:05,278
Hey, hey, I just
got a new job in DC.
1533
01:18:06,112 --> 01:18:08,412
Let's leave these two horrible,
1534
01:18:08,414 --> 01:18:12,850
disgusting mistakes behind
and get back to our old lives.
1535
01:18:12,852 --> 01:18:15,153
My husband is not a mistake.
1536
01:18:15,155 --> 01:18:16,888
Yes, we rushed into marriage
1537
01:18:16,890 --> 01:18:18,423
and things haven't been perfect
1538
01:18:18,425 --> 01:18:20,459
and after 10 ridiculous days,
1539
01:18:20,461 --> 01:18:23,828
things are just blowing
up in our faces, but
1540
01:18:23,830 --> 01:18:26,931
there have been moments,
in between all the lies
1541
01:18:26,933 --> 01:18:28,766
and the bullshit where
I've loved him more
1542
01:18:28,768 --> 01:18:31,903
than anybody in my entire life.
1543
01:18:31,905 --> 01:18:32,906
Including you.
1544
01:18:34,742 --> 01:18:35,843
So it's over.
1545
01:18:37,344 --> 01:18:38,277
Perfect.
1546
01:18:38,279 --> 01:18:39,511
No, Steven.
1547
01:18:39,513 --> 01:18:42,813
Hey, I dare you to
kiss me one more time
1548
01:18:42,815 --> 01:18:45,750
and tell me you don't love me.
1549
01:18:45,752 --> 01:18:46,784
Ow!
1550
01:18:46,786 --> 01:18:47,919
Oh, fuck.
1551
01:18:47,921 --> 01:18:48,853
Sorry, Steven.
1552
01:18:48,855 --> 01:18:52,123
But as we say in the
yard, I gotta do me.
1553
01:18:52,125 --> 01:18:55,159
So fuck all y'all if
you can't appreciate it!
1554
01:18:55,161 --> 01:18:56,029
Huh!
1555
01:19:04,539 --> 01:19:06,872
Mr. Wooster, I wanna
apologize for earlier.
1556
01:19:06,874 --> 01:19:08,040
My wife threw her back out
1557
01:19:08,042 --> 01:19:10,542
and I was giving
her an adjustment.
1558
01:19:10,544 --> 01:19:12,811
Anyway, we really
love the school
1559
01:19:12,813 --> 01:19:16,848
and we'd like to make
a small donation.
1560
01:19:16,850 --> 01:19:20,920
I don't see how that's
gonna make any difference.
1561
01:19:21,789 --> 01:19:23,389
This is very generous.
1562
01:19:23,391 --> 01:19:24,557
Thank you very much.
1563
01:19:24,559 --> 01:19:29,863
I'm gonna find Mrs. Newton
and tell her the good news.
1564
01:19:30,898 --> 01:19:32,265
Wasn't that check for Brandon?
1565
01:19:32,267 --> 01:19:33,932
Our son's not very
good with money anyway
1566
01:19:33,934 --> 01:19:35,901
so it doesn't matter.
1567
01:19:35,903 --> 01:19:38,036
And an investment
in her future.
1568
01:19:38,038 --> 01:19:41,008
Is an investment
in their future.
1569
01:19:50,852 --> 01:19:52,885
Did you mean what
you said in there?
1570
01:19:52,887 --> 01:19:54,053
Yes.
1571
01:19:54,055 --> 01:19:54,923
No, maybe.
1572
01:19:57,325 --> 01:19:58,426
I don't know.
1573
01:20:03,831 --> 01:20:04,564
Hey.
1574
01:20:04,566 --> 01:20:05,698
Hey.
1575
01:20:05,700 --> 01:20:08,133
Wow, looks like you could
use a little first aid,
1576
01:20:08,135 --> 01:20:09,603
my friend.
1577
01:20:29,591 --> 01:20:32,058
All hail,
all hail the chosen one.
1578
01:20:32,060 --> 01:20:33,059
Who said that?
1579
01:20:33,061 --> 01:20:34,528
It is I my lord,
1580
01:20:34,530 --> 01:20:36,130
Pegaverneius Candoe of
the Nexus Space and Guild.
1581
01:20:36,132 --> 01:20:40,634
I have traveled nearly
12 parsecs to find you.
1582
01:20:40,636 --> 01:20:41,602
Okay.
1583
01:20:41,604 --> 01:20:42,935
You
are the rightful heir
1584
01:20:42,937 --> 01:20:44,371
to the throne of Nargathus.
1585
01:20:44,373 --> 01:20:46,540
The star child as foretold
in our prophesies.
1586
01:20:46,542 --> 01:20:48,242
A magnificent creature
of unlimited wisdom
1587
01:20:48,244 --> 01:20:49,976
and breath taking
physical perfection.
1588
01:20:49,978 --> 01:20:50,812
Yeah.
1589
01:20:52,080 --> 01:20:53,014
I get that.
1590
01:20:54,383 --> 01:20:55,582
The
great epiphany is at hand.
1591
01:20:55,584 --> 01:20:57,250
Reveal your magnificence
to the members
1592
01:20:57,252 --> 01:20:59,086
of the Culver City Charter
School Board,
1593
01:20:59,088 --> 01:21:01,055
and then the world.
1594
01:21:01,057 --> 01:21:03,324
Let them kowtow at your feet.
1595
01:21:03,326 --> 01:21:04,958
Worship you.
1596
01:21:04,960 --> 01:21:07,596
Tremble at you your
unlimited power.
1597
01:21:16,205 --> 01:21:18,372
I must tell you how
delighted we all are
1598
01:21:18,374 --> 01:21:22,910
about the substantial
donation from your in-laws.
1599
01:21:22,912 --> 01:21:25,547
Well, they are very
surprisingly generous people.
1600
01:21:25,549 --> 01:21:26,481
Well, I can tell you,
1601
01:21:26,483 --> 01:21:28,182
there's a lot we can
do with those funds.
1602
01:21:28,184 --> 01:21:30,117
Loyal subjects!
1603
01:21:30,119 --> 01:21:32,054
I am your unicorn king!
1604
01:21:33,457 --> 01:21:36,924
By the powers vested in me
through the flames of Asinoff,
1605
01:21:36,926 --> 01:21:41,163
I command you, kneel, kneel
before your unicorn king.
1606
01:21:42,666 --> 01:21:44,498
That guys
I fucking crazy.
1607
01:21:44,500 --> 01:21:48,470
The time in neigh,
the season is in bloom,
1608
01:21:48,472 --> 01:21:51,539
I call upon you
subjects to step forth
1609
01:21:51,541 --> 01:21:53,876
and harvest this royal seed.
1610
01:22:04,521 --> 01:22:07,489
Steven, what the
hell are you doing?
1611
01:22:07,491 --> 01:22:10,193
Fair Anais, Steven is no more.
1612
01:22:13,196 --> 01:22:14,866
Your milk has soured.
1613
01:22:16,667 --> 01:22:17,901
Oh, Momma!
1614
01:22:20,036 --> 01:22:24,040
Look upon me as I raise
the imperial scepter.
1615
01:22:27,010 --> 01:22:29,946
Mommy,
that man is nasty.
1616
01:22:31,648 --> 01:22:33,684
Prepare to receive me!
1617
01:22:35,986 --> 01:22:36,719
Bam!
1618
01:22:38,256 --> 01:22:40,523
That has to hurt.
1619
01:22:46,196 --> 01:22:48,131
And, as I was saying,
1620
01:22:50,568 --> 01:22:53,001
could you come in on Monday?
1621
01:22:53,003 --> 01:22:55,336
Oh, we would be honored
to have a young woman
1622
01:22:55,338 --> 01:22:57,641
of your character at
Culver City Charter.
1623
01:22:57,643 --> 01:22:58,775
I'd love to!
1624
01:22:58,777 --> 01:23:00,677
Thank you so much.
1625
01:23:00,679 --> 01:23:01,711
Oh my god, thank you.
1626
01:23:01,713 --> 01:23:02,580
Thank you.
1627
01:23:08,786 --> 01:23:11,454
What in the world
got into Steven?
1628
01:23:11,456 --> 01:23:12,688
I don't know.
1629
01:23:12,690 --> 01:23:13,957
Any ideas?
1630
01:23:14,659 --> 01:23:16,292
Food poisoning perhaps?
1631
01:23:16,294 --> 01:23:20,698
I think the artichoke confit
looked a little sketchy.
1632
01:23:23,302 --> 01:23:26,770
Since there's no dispute
over assets or property,
1633
01:23:26,772 --> 01:23:28,607
just sign and it's done.
1634
01:23:29,741 --> 01:23:33,643
You'll never have to
see one another again.
1635
01:23:33,645 --> 01:23:37,781
That line right there, the
one with your name next to it.
1636
01:23:37,783 --> 01:23:38,650
I know.
1637
01:23:45,122 --> 01:23:49,495
On second thought, I want
the Chinese rocket statue.
1638
01:23:52,164 --> 01:23:53,131
Alrighty.
1639
01:23:54,032 --> 01:23:57,536
If you agree, Mr.
Conroy, we're done here.
1640
01:23:59,805 --> 01:24:01,571
No.
1641
01:24:01,573 --> 01:24:03,840
No, I can't part with that.
1642
01:24:03,842 --> 01:24:07,744
Well, what if y'all
shared joint custody?
1643
01:24:07,746 --> 01:24:10,648
Each of you take it for
a week or two at a time?
1644
01:24:10,650 --> 01:24:13,350
No, that won't work.
1645
01:24:13,352 --> 01:24:16,086
Can you just buy
a second statue?
1646
01:24:16,088 --> 01:24:18,789
That way, y'all can
each have your own.
1647
01:24:18,791 --> 01:24:20,223
No.
1648
01:24:20,225 --> 01:24:22,194
No, it's one of a kind.
1649
01:24:23,462 --> 01:24:25,662
Well bless your hearts.
1650
01:24:25,664 --> 01:24:27,831
I don't mean to be rude
1651
01:24:27,833 --> 01:24:29,699
but I've gotta be
gettin' out to Malibu.
1652
01:24:29,701 --> 01:24:32,235
I'm havin' lunch at Gerard's.
1653
01:24:32,237 --> 01:24:34,672
Try the lobster,
it's delicious.
1654
01:24:34,674 --> 01:24:36,674
And not cheap.
1655
01:24:36,676 --> 01:24:38,743
Can we please get
this thing goin'?
1656
01:24:38,745 --> 01:24:40,611
Hey, don't rush
our divorce, man.
1657
01:24:40,613 --> 01:24:41,846
Yeah.
1658
01:24:41,848 --> 01:24:45,583
You know, maybe we
should get lunch, too.
1659
01:24:45,585 --> 01:24:48,753
Yeah, I mean, we shouldn't
do this on an empty stomach.
1660
01:24:48,755 --> 01:24:49,854
Right.
1661
01:24:49,856 --> 01:24:51,454
Now, hold on a second.
1662
01:24:51,456 --> 01:24:53,724
What about your signatures?
1663
01:24:53,726 --> 01:24:55,191
Damn it to hell.
1664
01:24:55,193 --> 01:24:57,796
The wheels are
comin' off the wagon.
1665
01:24:57,798 --> 01:25:00,899
This divorce is fallin' apart.
1666
01:25:00,901 --> 01:25:04,201
- I blame her.
- It's his fault.
1667
01:25:18,751 --> 01:25:19,884
This ends now.
1668
01:25:19,886 --> 01:25:22,888
I'm getting out of here
and you're not stopping me!
1669
01:25:24,592 --> 01:25:26,525
An so concludes our story.
1670
01:25:26,527 --> 01:25:28,159
Poor Charlotte and Brandon,
1671
01:25:28,161 --> 01:25:30,796
their journey has
taught them nothing.
1672
01:25:30,798 --> 01:25:32,563
Oh my god, I'm so sorry.
1673
01:25:32,565 --> 01:25:33,765
Did I slap you too hard?
1674
01:25:33,767 --> 01:25:36,603
Nein baby, it was just right.
1675
01:31:54,120 --> 01:31:56,122
I see you understand sign
language.
1676
01:31:56,124 --> 01:31:56,718
Subtitles by explosiveskull
1677
01:31:57,305 --> 01:32:03,182
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