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1
00:00:02,933 --> 00:00:05,936
[ Indistinct conversations,
silverware clinking ]
2
00:00:09,181 --> 00:00:11,425
I can't get over
the new look.
3
00:00:11,459 --> 00:00:13,910
Um, it -- it's like
a grown-up version of you.
4
00:00:13,944 --> 00:00:15,256
And you're drinking
hot chocolate.
5
00:00:15,291 --> 00:00:16,775
I mean, that's --
that's grown-up, man.
6
00:00:16,809 --> 00:00:19,778
It's coffee.
I love it.
7
00:00:23,471 --> 00:00:25,163
[ Gulps, gags ]
8
00:00:25,197 --> 00:00:26,681
Delicious.
9
00:00:26,716 --> 00:00:28,545
Yeah.
So how's your year been?
10
00:00:28,580 --> 00:00:30,099
I mean,
what's the story?
11
00:00:30,133 --> 00:00:31,962
You want the long version
or the short version?
12
00:00:31,997 --> 00:00:33,619
Uh, which one's faster?
13
00:00:33,654 --> 00:00:38,693
14
00:00:38,728 --> 00:00:40,730
Delilah:
I had money, I had freedom,
15
00:00:40,764 --> 00:00:43,112
and was ready to live
the life of my dreams.
16
00:00:43,146 --> 00:00:44,975
Oh, this version's
taking forever.
17
00:00:45,010 --> 00:00:46,529
It's literally
been five seconds.
18
00:00:46,563 --> 00:00:47,944
Really?
It felt a lot longer,
19
00:00:47,978 --> 00:00:50,119
especially 'cause Mom and Dad
weren't in this one.
20
00:00:50,153 --> 00:00:52,673
Spoiler alert --
They're notin this story.
21
00:00:53,777 --> 00:00:54,640
[ Door opens ]
22
00:00:54,675 --> 00:00:57,022
[ Woman moaning loudly ]
23
00:00:58,851 --> 00:01:00,922
Oh, shit.
24
00:01:00,957 --> 00:01:02,993
[ Moaning continues ]
25
00:01:05,341 --> 00:01:07,136
What is it about
life-changing events
26
00:01:07,170 --> 00:01:09,310
that make women want
to cut all their hair off
27
00:01:09,345 --> 00:01:10,932
with kitchen scissors?
28
00:01:10,967 --> 00:01:13,003
I don't know!
29
00:01:13,038 --> 00:01:15,075
Still,
a year on your own.
30
00:01:15,109 --> 00:01:17,180
I mean, you're like
a legit adult now.
31
00:01:19,700 --> 00:01:21,322
Sure you don't want
some kids' food?
32
00:01:21,357 --> 00:01:23,048
I mean,
just for old time's sake.
33
00:01:31,160 --> 00:01:33,093
Nice doughnut
French toast.
34
00:01:33,127 --> 00:01:34,335
No one can resist that.
35
00:01:34,370 --> 00:01:36,130
[ Muffled ]
This is so good!
36
00:01:36,165 --> 00:01:38,512
I know.
I thought you might like it.
37
00:01:38,546 --> 00:01:41,170
Somewhere behind
the mountains
38
00:01:41,204 --> 00:01:43,482
There is a place
I'm thinkin'
39
00:01:43,517 --> 00:01:45,898
[ Distorted music plays ]
40
00:01:51,490 --> 00:01:53,147
I spent two years
planning my escape
41
00:01:53,182 --> 00:01:54,528
and zero time
thinking about
42
00:01:54,562 --> 00:01:56,185
what to do after
I actually got free.
43
00:01:56,219 --> 00:01:57,634
So, what did you do?
44
00:01:57,669 --> 00:02:00,879
I did what any 16 year old
with a fake backstory would do.
45
00:02:00,913 --> 00:02:02,467
I went to college.
46
00:02:02,501 --> 00:02:06,540
47
00:02:06,574 --> 00:02:08,887
Delilah: It was a bastion
of free thinking,
48
00:02:08,921 --> 00:02:10,302
inclusive idealism,
49
00:02:10,337 --> 00:02:13,340
a place where I could learn
and grow as a person who --
50
00:02:13,374 --> 00:02:15,065
God damn it!
51
00:02:15,100 --> 00:02:16,205
Sorry about that.
52
00:02:16,239 --> 00:02:17,378
That's okay.
53
00:02:17,413 --> 00:02:19,898
Hey, but that's what practice
is for, right, girls?
54
00:02:19,932 --> 00:02:21,175
[ Young women cheer ]
55
00:02:21,210 --> 00:02:23,281
Oh, you weren't
talking to me.
56
00:02:23,315 --> 00:02:25,075
Oh, that's so sad.
57
00:02:25,110 --> 00:02:26,698
It gets sadder.
58
00:02:26,732 --> 00:02:28,562
59
00:02:28,596 --> 00:02:30,219
Are you thinking
of joining a cappella?
60
00:02:30,253 --> 00:02:31,289
Aca-lutely.
61
00:02:31,323 --> 00:02:33,083
-What?
-Defi-notely!
62
00:02:33,118 --> 00:02:34,844
Oh, yeah.
We don't do puns.
63
00:02:34,878 --> 00:02:36,708
We do pitch.
Can you match?
64
00:02:36,742 --> 00:02:38,951
Try and stop me,
pitch.
65
00:02:40,884 --> 00:02:41,713
[ Vocalizing ]
66
00:02:41,747 --> 00:02:44,405
[ Vocalizing off-key ]
67
00:02:45,786 --> 00:02:46,683
[ Vocalizing ]
68
00:02:46,718 --> 00:02:48,892
[ Vocalizing off-key ]
69
00:02:50,273 --> 00:02:51,240
[ Vocalizing ]
70
00:02:51,274 --> 00:02:53,138
[ Vocalizing off-key ]
71
00:02:54,277 --> 00:02:57,211
Well, that was...
aca-ward.
72
00:02:57,246 --> 00:02:58,902
73
00:02:58,937 --> 00:03:01,491
It just feels like we should be
raising money for research,
74
00:03:01,526 --> 00:03:04,253
and every dollar you waste
on your virtue-signaling swag
75
00:03:04,287 --> 00:03:06,669
is one dollar less
that goes to a viable cure.
76
00:03:06,703 --> 00:03:08,222
You seem like fun.
77
00:03:08,257 --> 00:03:10,362
Delilah: I mean, I get the
benefits of developing material.
78
00:03:10,397 --> 00:03:12,122
I just think it's unfair
to ask people
79
00:03:12,157 --> 00:03:13,434
to watch
a shitty rehearsal.
80
00:03:13,469 --> 00:03:16,437
And we have got to lose
these matching bowling shirts.
81
00:03:16,472 --> 00:03:17,956
And scene.
82
00:03:17,990 --> 00:03:19,785
Aah! [ Grunts ]
83
00:03:19,820 --> 00:03:21,580
What the hell?!
84
00:03:21,615 --> 00:03:24,031
You just got your big balls
flying everywhere, don't ya?!
85
00:03:24,065 --> 00:03:25,274
What?
86
00:03:25,308 --> 00:03:28,691
Oh, should I speak slower
because of your crippling CTE?!
87
00:03:28,725 --> 00:03:31,418
Or maybe the short shorts
are cutting off oxygen --
88
00:03:31,452 --> 00:03:33,799
Aah!
God damn it!
89
00:03:33,834 --> 00:03:35,456
[ Crowd "Ohs" ]
90
00:03:35,491 --> 00:03:37,147
And scene.
91
00:03:37,182 --> 00:03:39,184
[ Laughter ]
92
00:03:43,982 --> 00:03:45,432
Ow.
93
00:03:46,950 --> 00:03:48,642
It's hard
fitting in here,
94
00:03:48,676 --> 00:03:51,817
but there are some people
who accept everybody.
95
00:03:51,852 --> 00:03:53,992
We're those people.
96
00:03:54,026 --> 00:03:57,237
97
00:03:57,271 --> 00:03:58,617
Xander:
I want to thank you all
98
00:03:58,652 --> 00:04:00,550
for giving up your
Sunday afternoon to be here.
99
00:04:00,585 --> 00:04:02,828
But that's the only time
that Dean Shroff
100
00:04:02,863 --> 00:04:04,830
said the building
was available.
101
00:04:04,865 --> 00:04:06,832
But lest
we not be triggered.
102
00:04:06,867 --> 00:04:09,007
Onward and upward.
103
00:04:09,041 --> 00:04:11,078
We have a new member
joining us.
104
00:04:11,112 --> 00:04:12,113
Welcome, Delilah.
105
00:04:12,148 --> 00:04:13,494
Hi!
I'm Delilah.
106
00:04:13,529 --> 00:04:14,806
I just want to say
I think it's great
107
00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:16,290
you guys are preaching
love and tolerance --
108
00:04:16,325 --> 00:04:19,189
Pause. Can we unpack what you
meant when you said "you guys"?
109
00:04:19,224 --> 00:04:20,984
Just like the people
in this room.
110
00:04:21,019 --> 00:04:23,090
Then say that, please.Words matter.
111
00:04:23,124 --> 00:04:25,920
Can we pause again?
What do you have on your feet?
112
00:04:25,955 --> 00:04:28,682
I, uh -- shoes?
113
00:04:28,716 --> 00:04:30,649
[ All inhale deeply ]
114
00:04:31,995 --> 00:04:35,275
Delilah, those shoes
are torture items
115
00:04:35,309 --> 00:04:36,862
steeped in
the female slave trade.
116
00:04:36,897 --> 00:04:39,417
A misogynist construct
designed to oppress us.
117
00:04:39,451 --> 00:04:42,212
Really? I just wanted
to look good for my
first week of college.
118
00:04:42,247 --> 00:04:45,285
Your enjoyment of your
oppression is problematic.
119
00:04:45,319 --> 00:04:46,700
It's not that big
of a deal, is it?
120
00:04:46,734 --> 00:04:48,322
Please don't diminish
my reaction
121
00:04:48,357 --> 00:04:49,875
to your microaggression.
122
00:04:49,910 --> 00:04:51,636
Wait. Hold on.
Are you mad?
123
00:04:51,670 --> 00:04:53,293
[ Passive aggressively ]
And please don't speak to me
124
00:04:53,327 --> 00:04:55,122
in a passive-aggressive tone,
okay?
125
00:04:55,156 --> 00:04:56,192
Thank you.
126
00:04:56,226 --> 00:04:58,850
What's wrong with
a sensible pair of shoes?
127
00:04:58,884 --> 00:05:00,127
Hm, I like those.
128
00:05:00,161 --> 00:05:01,887
I'm gonna chalk up
your heteronormativesplaining
129
00:05:01,922 --> 00:05:03,233
to an ideological
mind virus.
130
00:05:03,268 --> 00:05:04,856
I don't understand
what that means.
131
00:05:04,890 --> 00:05:06,306
I think I'm literally
going to be sick.
132
00:05:06,340 --> 00:05:07,721
Oh, my God.
Do you need a barf bag?
133
00:05:07,755 --> 00:05:10,240
Did zer just invoke God
in this space?
134
00:05:10,275 --> 00:05:12,242
God?
Do you believe in God?
135
00:05:12,277 --> 00:05:13,830
-Mm-hmm.
-Oh, my science.
136
00:05:13,865 --> 00:05:16,557
Have you not undergone
any unconscious bias training?What?
137
00:05:16,592 --> 00:05:19,008
It's like she's never even seen
Samantha Bee.
Who?
138
00:05:19,042 --> 00:05:21,079
[ Sighs ]Can someone privilege-check her,
please?
139
00:05:21,113 --> 00:05:22,563
White privilege.
Cis privilege.
140
00:05:22,598 --> 00:05:23,737
Orthodontic privilege.
141
00:05:23,771 --> 00:05:25,497
Thick hair privilege.
Eyebrow privilege.
142
00:05:25,532 --> 00:05:27,050
Oh, come on.
That's not a thing.
143
00:05:27,085 --> 00:05:28,707
Tell that
to Pam No-brows.
144
00:05:28,742 --> 00:05:30,744
Oh.
Sorry.
145
00:05:30,778 --> 00:05:33,194
Well, can we just slow down
and look at my side here?
146
00:05:33,229 --> 00:05:35,921
Okay, so now there's twosides
to every argument?
147
00:05:35,956 --> 00:05:37,544
Classic
ze said, ze said, huh?
148
00:05:37,578 --> 00:05:39,925
You know, I came here because
I thought this was a group
149
00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:42,272
of people who placed value
on diversity and acceptance.
150
00:05:42,307 --> 00:05:44,689
But you guys just seem like
a bunch of judgy white chicks.
151
00:05:44,723 --> 00:05:47,208
[ Gasps ]
I am 1/16 Cherokee.
152
00:05:47,243 --> 00:05:49,487
[ Voice breaking ]
I'm trying to become bisexual.
153
00:05:49,521 --> 00:05:51,937
[ Crying ] Do you think we like
being in a club of hypocrites?
154
00:05:51,972 --> 00:05:54,699
The minorities on this campus
refuse to join us,
155
00:05:54,733 --> 00:05:55,872
and you know what?
156
00:05:55,907 --> 00:05:58,875
They wouldn't understand
their problems anyway.
157
00:05:58,910 --> 00:06:03,293
As co-co-co-co-co-president,
I can't ask you to leave,
158
00:06:03,328 --> 00:06:06,055
but I am allowed to show you
where the door is.
159
00:06:06,089 --> 00:06:07,263
It's there.
160
00:06:07,297 --> 00:06:08,954
Sometimes a fun
strappy kitten heel
161
00:06:08,989 --> 00:06:10,680
is just a fun
strappy kitten heel.
162
00:06:10,715 --> 00:06:13,683
God damn it!
Mother[bleep]
163
00:06:13,718 --> 00:06:14,684
Damn it!
164
00:06:14,719 --> 00:06:16,652
Where do those
keep coming from?!
165
00:06:18,274 --> 00:06:23,037
166
00:06:23,072 --> 00:06:24,418
So did you have
anyfun?
167
00:06:24,453 --> 00:06:27,041
Oh, yeah. Remember that awesome
church in New York?
168
00:06:27,076 --> 00:06:28,422
No.
Dad walked on water
169
00:06:28,457 --> 00:06:31,218
and made out with a bunch
of hot blonde Australian girls?
170
00:06:31,252 --> 00:06:32,219
Doesn't ring a bell.
171
00:06:32,253 --> 00:06:33,531
Oh, come on.
You remember.
172
00:06:33,565 --> 00:06:35,222
We were baptized,
and Mom was furious.
173
00:06:35,256 --> 00:06:36,223
Season 2.
174
00:06:36,257 --> 00:06:38,225
Season 2?
What does that even mean?
175
00:06:38,259 --> 00:06:39,882
Spring, summer,
fall, winter.
176
00:06:39,916 --> 00:06:41,711
Happened in summer.
Season 2 of 4.
177
00:06:41,746 --> 00:06:43,092
There's only
four seasons?
178
00:06:43,126 --> 00:06:45,094
For now.
Anyway...
179
00:06:45,128 --> 00:06:46,958
guess where I went.
180
00:06:46,992 --> 00:06:47,993
I don't know.
181
00:06:48,028 --> 00:06:49,236
Statue of Liberty.
182
00:06:49,270 --> 00:06:51,169
Oh, Paris.
183
00:06:51,203 --> 00:06:52,998
New York!
I went to New York.
184
00:06:53,033 --> 00:06:54,483
Oh.
God.
185
00:06:54,517 --> 00:06:56,346
You need it, I got it
186
00:06:56,381 --> 00:06:57,831
You want it, I got it
187
00:06:57,865 --> 00:06:59,280
You need it, I got it
188
00:06:59,315 --> 00:07:00,558
You sip it or pop it
189
00:07:00,592 --> 00:07:01,835
In the club, club
190
00:07:01,869 --> 00:07:03,561
In the club, club
191
00:07:03,595 --> 00:07:05,079
You need it, I got it
192
00:07:05,114 --> 00:07:06,460
You sip it or pop it
193
00:07:06,495 --> 00:07:07,737
In the club, club
194
00:07:07,772 --> 00:07:10,084
In the club, club
195
00:07:10,119 --> 00:07:11,741
Heeey!
196
00:07:11,776 --> 00:07:13,571
[ Australian accent ]
Hey what?
197
00:07:13,605 --> 00:07:15,780
It's me -- Delilah.
198
00:07:16,953 --> 00:07:18,921
Sorry,
doesn't ring a bell.
199
00:07:18,955 --> 00:07:20,785
See, people need
more context.
200
00:07:20,819 --> 00:07:21,682
[ Groans ]
201
00:07:21,717 --> 00:07:23,028
I met you
a few years ago,
202
00:07:23,063 --> 00:07:24,927
and you said I was welcome back
any time.
203
00:07:24,961 --> 00:07:27,274
Well, I stole some money from
my family and ran away,
204
00:07:27,308 --> 00:07:28,482
and here I am.
205
00:07:28,517 --> 00:07:30,001
You stole money?
How much?
206
00:07:30,035 --> 00:07:31,934
About $150,000.
207
00:07:31,968 --> 00:07:34,868
[ Chuckles ]
Well, where is it now?
208
00:07:34,902 --> 00:07:36,594
In my backpack!
209
00:07:36,628 --> 00:07:38,285
Oh, dear.
210
00:07:38,319 --> 00:07:39,735
Girls.
211
00:07:41,633 --> 00:07:43,773
Girls!
212
00:07:43,808 --> 00:07:45,395
One second.
213
00:07:47,397 --> 00:07:48,744
Girls!
214
00:07:52,713 --> 00:07:56,303
Found this, uh, little sinner
out here on our doorstep.
215
00:07:56,337 --> 00:07:58,374
You remember Delilah,
don't you?
216
00:07:58,408 --> 00:07:59,686
[ Australian accent ]
Oh, yeah!
217
00:07:59,720 --> 00:08:01,964
[ Australian accent ] Of course!
Who could forget?
218
00:08:01,998 --> 00:08:05,139
And, Delilah, you remember
my sisters Laura and Nicole.
219
00:08:05,174 --> 00:08:07,452
Yeah. I thought
Laura was your mom.
220
00:08:08,418 --> 00:08:13,216
Oh, mom in a way that we're all
each other's mother and sister.
221
00:08:13,251 --> 00:08:15,495
[ Laughter ]
222
00:08:16,461 --> 00:08:20,845
So, Delilah just stole $150,000
from her family.
223
00:08:20,879 --> 00:08:23,157
Oh, no. Delilah.
224
00:08:23,192 --> 00:08:24,365
[ Gasps ]
225
00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:25,746
You have come
226
00:08:25,781 --> 00:08:27,403
to the right place.
227
00:08:27,437 --> 00:08:30,406
God can forgive,
but it's gonna take some work.
228
00:08:30,440 --> 00:08:33,271
Cool, cool.
So can I come in?
229
00:08:34,272 --> 00:08:35,238
Nah.
230
00:08:35,273 --> 00:08:36,516
Let's go out.
231
00:08:36,550 --> 00:08:38,034
[ All scream ]
232
00:08:38,069 --> 00:08:41,037
[ Dance music plays ]
233
00:08:41,072 --> 00:08:42,418
[ All screaming ]
234
00:08:42,452 --> 00:08:43,833
[ Indistinct talking ]
235
00:08:43,868 --> 00:08:45,007
[ Cork pops ]Whoo!
236
00:08:45,041 --> 00:08:46,698
-[ Laughs ]
-Oh, my God.
237
00:08:46,733 --> 00:08:48,389
This place looks expensive.
238
00:08:48,424 --> 00:08:50,012
-It is.
-Yeah.
239
00:08:50,046 --> 00:08:52,186
And we've fallen
on some pretty hard times.
240
00:08:52,221 --> 00:08:54,913
Jesus tried challenging our dad,
Levi, with a test
241
00:08:54,948 --> 00:08:57,675
and implicated us in a tax fraud
and real estate scandal.
242
00:08:57,709 --> 00:09:00,022
Did he pass?Real estate's being settled
out of court.
243
00:09:00,056 --> 00:09:01,437
Fraud's still pending.
244
00:09:01,471 --> 00:09:04,647
I suppose we could just hack our
hair off with kitchen shears.
245
00:09:07,754 --> 00:09:09,203
Nah. I can afford it.
246
00:09:09,238 --> 00:09:11,205
[ Laughing, cheering ]
247
00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:12,034
Bless!
248
00:09:12,068 --> 00:09:13,380
Oh, my God!
You're the best!
249
00:09:13,414 --> 00:09:14,105
You're the best!
250
00:09:14,139 --> 00:09:16,141
-Delilah.
-Oh, my God!
251
00:09:16,176 --> 00:09:24,391
252
00:09:24,425 --> 00:09:26,324
I don't just
wake up flawless
253
00:09:26,358 --> 00:09:28,222
I go to bed like that
254
00:09:28,257 --> 00:09:31,812
You know my hair, face,
and body always be intact
255
00:09:31,847 --> 00:09:33,711
Tell the truth,
it don't take much effort
256
00:09:33,745 --> 00:09:36,955
Guess I'm just blessed
like that
257
00:09:36,990 --> 00:09:39,579
Holy shit.
This is so expensive.
258
00:09:39,613 --> 00:09:41,132
Am I paying
for everybody's?
259
00:09:41,166 --> 00:09:43,928
Give to the poor and you will
have riches in heaven.
260
00:09:43,962 --> 00:09:45,792
You know who said that,
don't you?
261
00:09:45,826 --> 00:09:46,620
Jesus?
262
00:09:46,655 --> 00:09:48,967
He did.
Matthew 19:21.
263
00:09:49,002 --> 00:09:52,177
[ Glasses clink ] I know my swag is on fire
264
00:09:52,212 --> 00:09:55,664
And it burns,
it burns, it burns
265
00:09:58,390 --> 00:09:59,978
-No.
-No.
266
00:10:03,016 --> 00:10:04,465
No.
267
00:10:11,472 --> 00:10:13,474
[ Sighs ]
268
00:10:15,235 --> 00:10:16,305
I've got it!
269
00:10:16,339 --> 00:10:18,445
270
00:10:18,479 --> 00:10:20,205
Yeah.
My turn.
271
00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:21,482
No, my turn,
my turn.
272
00:10:21,517 --> 00:10:23,450
273
00:10:23,484 --> 00:10:24,934
Red carpet ready
274
00:10:24,969 --> 00:10:27,040
Red, red carpet ready
275
00:10:27,074 --> 00:10:28,558
Red carpet ready
276
00:10:28,593 --> 00:10:30,871
Red, red carpet ready, ready
277
00:10:30,906 --> 00:10:32,286
Red carpet ready
278
00:10:32,321 --> 00:10:33,771
Red, red carpet ready
279
00:10:33,805 --> 00:10:35,704
Bring my shoes
and my clothes Oh!
280
00:10:35,738 --> 00:10:37,844
See me stuntin',
yeah, you know me
281
00:10:37,878 --> 00:10:39,949
Red carpet ready
282
00:10:39,984 --> 00:10:42,849
Red, red carpet ready I could stay at a motel for a
year for what this skirt costs.
283
00:10:42,883 --> 00:10:45,679
Oh, Delilah.
You can't put a price on joy.
284
00:10:45,714 --> 00:10:48,061
But if you had to,
it'd be $25,152.
285
00:10:48,095 --> 00:10:49,787
Holy [bleep]
286
00:10:49,821 --> 00:10:51,961
Come on, Delilah.
Give us a smile.
287
00:10:51,996 --> 00:10:53,653
God loves
a cheerful giver.
288
00:10:53,687 --> 00:10:55,585
Corinthians 9:7.
289
00:10:55,620 --> 00:10:56,690
[ Dance music plays]
290
00:10:56,725 --> 00:11:02,489
Jesus
291
00:11:02,523 --> 00:11:04,146
292
00:11:04,180 --> 00:11:05,906
I need him, yes
293
00:11:05,941 --> 00:11:07,908
I need him, yes
294
00:11:07,943 --> 00:11:09,565
295
00:11:09,599 --> 00:11:11,222
I need him, yes
296
00:11:11,256 --> 00:11:12,741
I need him, yes
297
00:11:12,775 --> 00:11:16,192
Some, some, some, some,
some guys like Muhammad
298
00:11:16,227 --> 00:11:19,713
Some, some, some, some girls,
some girls like Buddha
299
00:11:19,748 --> 00:11:21,611
Some, some, some, some...
300
00:11:21,646 --> 00:11:24,407
Don't worry.
We've got another bottle coming.
301
00:11:24,442 --> 00:11:28,342
Great. What's another $15,000
bottle delivered by a monkey?
302
00:11:28,377 --> 00:11:31,725
I sense some sarcasm,
but $15,000 is a bargain.
303
00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:35,211
I've seen some monkey champagne
for as high as $17.5 million.
304
00:11:35,246 --> 00:11:37,627
Man: We got a bottle
of monkey champagne
305
00:11:37,662 --> 00:11:39,595
to go to table 13!
306
00:11:39,629 --> 00:11:40,838
[ Monkey screeching ]
307
00:11:40,872 --> 00:11:43,185
All: Monkey champagne!
308
00:11:43,219 --> 00:11:45,118
[ Cheering ]
309
00:11:45,152 --> 00:11:48,949
[ Indistinct shouting ]
310
00:11:48,984 --> 00:11:51,400
And I guess
I'm paying for it, huh?!Mm-hmm.
311
00:11:51,434 --> 00:11:53,367
Hey, what's all this
who pays for this,
312
00:11:53,402 --> 00:11:54,748
who pays for that,
Delilah?
313
00:11:54,783 --> 00:11:57,855
It's not very Christian.
In fact, it's kind of Jewish.
314
00:11:57,889 --> 00:12:00,064
Well, then call me Jewish
and this bottle's Christ,
315
00:12:00,098 --> 00:12:01,582
'cause I'm killing it!
316
00:12:01,617 --> 00:12:04,206
Oh, that's
kind of anti-Semitic.
317
00:12:04,240 --> 00:12:05,863
The Romans
killed Christ, right?
318
00:12:05,897 --> 00:12:08,141
I think so.
319
00:12:08,175 --> 00:12:10,212
It's Jesus
320
00:12:10,246 --> 00:12:11,731
I need him, yes
321
00:12:11,765 --> 00:12:15,320
It's Jesus
322
00:12:15,355 --> 00:12:17,046
Lord Jesus
323
00:12:17,081 --> 00:12:18,772
I need him, yes
324
00:12:18,807 --> 00:12:20,429
I need him, yes
325
00:12:20,463 --> 00:12:22,258
You don't need
your colleagues
326
00:12:22,293 --> 00:12:23,915
You don't need your friends
327
00:12:23,950 --> 00:12:25,675
You don't need no teachers
328
00:12:25,710 --> 00:12:27,298
No social trends
329
00:12:27,332 --> 00:12:29,127
Hey!
Who needs cash?!
330
00:12:29,162 --> 00:12:30,508
'Cause God apparently says
331
00:12:30,542 --> 00:12:32,682
if you don't give it all away,
you suck!
332
00:12:32,717 --> 00:12:34,926
Shit-zekeal 69!
333
00:12:34,961 --> 00:12:38,412
No, Ezekiel only had
47 chapters.
334
00:12:38,447 --> 00:12:39,759
[Bleep] off!
335
00:12:39,793 --> 00:12:41,795
Oh, Delilah,
it's a joke.
336
00:12:41,830 --> 00:12:43,521
We're taking the piss
out of ya.
337
00:12:43,555 --> 00:12:44,936
You want to take the piss
out of me?!
338
00:12:44,971 --> 00:12:47,180
Fine!
You can take that, too!
339
00:12:47,214 --> 00:12:49,147
Take it all!
340
00:12:49,182 --> 00:12:51,287
Can I have your attention,
please?
341
00:12:51,322 --> 00:12:54,601
I would like to introduce you
to someone who was a sinner
342
00:12:54,635 --> 00:12:57,915
but came to us and found
her way, just like all of you.
343
00:12:57,949 --> 00:13:00,780
Please give our newest sister
a warm welcome
344
00:13:00,814 --> 00:13:03,437
to our community --
Delilah!
345
00:13:03,472 --> 00:13:05,577
[ Urinating ]
346
00:13:07,752 --> 00:13:09,133
[ Monkey screeches ]
347
00:13:11,860 --> 00:13:12,861
Oh.
348
00:13:13,862 --> 00:13:17,279
I-I --
You fed me alcohol.
349
00:13:17,313 --> 00:13:19,315
No, I didn't.
We're a Christian club.
350
00:13:19,350 --> 00:13:21,593
You're drinking
non-alcoholic fizzy.
351
00:13:23,354 --> 00:13:25,839
Then -- Then why
am I drunk?
352
00:13:25,874 --> 00:13:27,876
You're not.
No one is.
353
00:13:27,910 --> 00:13:30,533
We're just high
on Christ.
354
00:13:30,568 --> 00:13:33,847
Well, uh,
what should I do now?
355
00:13:33,882 --> 00:13:35,469
Well,
I'd say "piss off,"
356
00:13:35,504 --> 00:13:37,886
but you already have...
357
00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:40,129
all over the table.
358
00:13:40,164 --> 00:13:41,855
Aah!
359
00:13:41,890 --> 00:13:44,306
[ Laughs ]
360
00:13:44,340 --> 00:13:46,618
[ Groans ]
361
00:13:48,034 --> 00:13:51,347
362
00:13:51,382 --> 00:13:53,315
How is this woman
even my mother?
363
00:13:53,349 --> 00:13:54,695
I know.
Sometimes Dad does stuff,
364
00:13:54,730 --> 00:13:56,594
and I'm like, "There's no way
I'm related to that guy."
365
00:13:56,628 --> 00:13:57,698
Heh.
366
00:13:57,733 --> 00:13:58,872
Anyway, so,
you were two months in,
367
00:13:58,907 --> 00:14:00,529
you got a shitty haircut,
no money.
368
00:14:00,563 --> 00:14:01,564
What'd you do then?
369
00:14:01,599 --> 00:14:03,014
I did what shedid.
370
00:14:03,049 --> 00:14:04,705
I found the money tree.
371
00:14:04,740 --> 00:14:13,093
372
00:14:13,128 --> 00:14:21,550
373
00:14:21,584 --> 00:14:23,207
Great to see you,
little gummy bear.
374
00:14:23,241 --> 00:14:24,864
[ Chuckles ]
375
00:14:24,898 --> 00:14:26,589
Jared: Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa!
376
00:14:26,624 --> 00:14:28,350
I cannot believe
J.R.'s back!
377
00:14:28,384 --> 00:14:29,938
I mean, why would you bury him
in the third story?
378
00:14:29,972 --> 00:14:31,042
The guy's a star.
379
00:14:31,077 --> 00:14:33,182
I mean, you lead
with that shit, man.
380
00:14:33,217 --> 00:14:35,219
[ Groans ]You lead with it.
381
00:14:35,253 --> 00:14:36,703
[ Softly ]
Man, J.R.'s so cool.
382
00:14:36,737 --> 00:14:37,807
I can't do it, kid.
383
00:14:37,842 --> 00:14:40,120
I took a shot at parenting,
and I choked.
384
00:14:40,155 --> 00:14:42,088
Well, not literally.
385
00:14:42,122 --> 00:14:44,814
I never gave a shit enough
to get violent.
386
00:14:44,849 --> 00:14:45,815
To choke somebody,
387
00:14:45,850 --> 00:14:47,472
you have
to have expectations.
388
00:14:47,507 --> 00:14:49,405
I was just
a lousy dad.
389
00:14:49,440 --> 00:14:51,580
You know, I'm not asking you
to parent me.
Uh-huh.
390
00:14:51,614 --> 00:14:52,892
I want to help you
run drugs
391
00:14:52,926 --> 00:14:54,100
or whatever
you're running.
392
00:14:54,134 --> 00:14:55,066
Soccer balls?
393
00:14:55,101 --> 00:14:56,757
Full of drugs?[ Chuckles ]
394
00:14:56,792 --> 00:14:59,243
No, I'm just making
charitable runs to Russia.
395
00:14:59,277 --> 00:15:01,279
That doesn't
sound like you.
396
00:15:01,314 --> 00:15:02,625
You're right.
It doesn't.
397
00:15:02,660 --> 00:15:04,558
I'll have to work
on that story.
398
00:15:04,593 --> 00:15:06,906
Still and all, I can't have you
leading this kind of life.
399
00:15:06,940 --> 00:15:08,079
You're not
cut out for it.
400
00:15:08,114 --> 00:15:11,082
I stole $150,000,
an identity, and a car.
401
00:15:11,117 --> 00:15:12,463
I'm good
at this thief stuff.
402
00:15:12,497 --> 00:15:13,567
[ Chuckles ]
403
00:15:13,602 --> 00:15:15,604
But I'm not a thief.
404
00:15:15,638 --> 00:15:17,502
I just happen to think
governments do nothing
405
00:15:17,537 --> 00:15:21,610
to deserve the huge taxes
and tariffs they make me pay.
406
00:15:21,644 --> 00:15:22,922
Well,
they built this port
407
00:15:22,956 --> 00:15:25,269
and the highway
I took to get here.
408
00:15:25,303 --> 00:15:26,787
Touché.
409
00:15:26,822 --> 00:15:28,099
I'll tell you what.
410
00:15:28,134 --> 00:15:32,103
If you can spot the heat
that's watching us right now,
411
00:15:32,138 --> 00:15:33,104
you're in.
412
00:15:33,139 --> 00:15:35,969
I can always use
a good pair of eyes.
413
00:15:36,004 --> 00:15:38,144
Oh, okay.
Um, let's see.
414
00:15:38,178 --> 00:15:43,770
415
00:15:43,804 --> 00:15:45,151
Um...
416
00:15:45,185 --> 00:15:46,014
Well...
[ Chuckles nervously ]
417
00:15:46,048 --> 00:15:48,292
Uh...
418
00:15:48,326 --> 00:15:49,465
There's no one here.
419
00:15:49,500 --> 00:15:51,536
Well, then, the answer's
pretty clear, isn't it?
420
00:15:51,571 --> 00:15:52,779
Oh!
421
00:15:52,813 --> 00:15:54,125
Oh, it's you,
isn't it?
422
00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:55,195
Jesus Christ.
423
00:15:55,230 --> 00:15:57,025
I got it.
There is no heat.
424
00:15:57,059 --> 00:15:59,959
There's always heat.
You just can't always spot them.
425
00:15:59,993 --> 00:16:01,822
Wait, that was
a trick question.
426
00:16:01,857 --> 00:16:03,514
Sorry, kid.
You're out.
427
00:16:03,548 --> 00:16:06,310
[ Groans ]You have a nice life.
428
00:16:06,344 --> 00:16:07,483
Hey, Conrad.
429
00:16:07,518 --> 00:16:09,692
Take this paperwork
down to the dock manager
430
00:16:09,727 --> 00:16:10,693
and get it stamped.
431
00:16:10,728 --> 00:16:12,523
Then let's get
the hell out of here.
432
00:16:12,557 --> 00:16:14,525
I can do that.
433
00:16:14,559 --> 00:16:15,802
Knock yourself out.
434
00:16:15,836 --> 00:16:16,837
Yes!
435
00:16:16,872 --> 00:16:22,291
436
00:16:22,326 --> 00:16:27,814
437
00:16:27,848 --> 00:16:29,850
Um, hi there.
I-I'm here to --
438
00:16:29,885 --> 00:16:31,197
Paperwork.
Here.
439
00:16:34,890 --> 00:16:37,375
Everything okay?Yeah, totally.
440
00:16:42,898 --> 00:16:45,038
These numbers look off.
441
00:16:45,073 --> 00:16:45,866
What are you shipping?
442
00:16:45,901 --> 00:16:47,247
Uh, balls.
Soccer balls.
443
00:16:47,282 --> 00:16:48,869
[ Stammers ] We -- We call 'em
soccer balls.
444
00:16:48,904 --> 00:16:50,526
The rest of the world
calls them footballs.
445
00:16:50,561 --> 00:16:52,114
What do you call them
here in Canada?
446
00:16:54,289 --> 00:16:55,083
Soccer balls.
447
00:16:55,117 --> 00:16:56,256
Well, you shouldn't,
448
00:16:56,291 --> 00:16:57,568
because, when you
think about it,
449
00:16:57,602 --> 00:17:00,157
soccer -- soccer --
"footballs" makes more sense
450
00:17:00,191 --> 00:17:02,711
because you play
with your foot.
451
00:17:02,745 --> 00:17:04,333
[ Stuttering ]
Balls. Feet.
452
00:17:04,368 --> 00:17:07,440
Fo-- balls.
453
00:17:07,474 --> 00:17:09,718
Come with me.
Mm-hmm.
454
00:17:09,752 --> 00:17:11,892
[ Whispering ] Shit.
455
00:17:11,927 --> 00:17:13,860
You know, you probably should've
joined the improv club.
456
00:17:13,894 --> 00:17:15,275
You'd be a lot
quicker on your feet.
457
00:17:15,310 --> 00:17:16,552
[ Sighs ]
458
00:17:16,587 --> 00:17:19,245
Hey, when's Pee paw
coming back to the story?
459
00:17:19,279 --> 00:17:20,970
That guy's awesome.
460
00:17:21,005 --> 00:17:23,904
461
00:17:23,939 --> 00:17:25,078
One second.
Pee paw!
462
00:17:25,113 --> 00:17:25,906
-Hey!
-Pee paw!
463
00:17:25,941 --> 00:17:27,115
Hey!
Let's open it up.
464
00:17:27,149 --> 00:17:27,977
Why?
465
00:17:28,012 --> 00:17:28,909
It's just soccer balls,
466
00:17:28,944 --> 00:17:30,359
uh, like I said,
for kids.
467
00:17:30,394 --> 00:17:32,361
Poor kids.
D-Do you have kids?
No.
468
00:17:32,396 --> 00:17:33,914
Uh, well, you'd make
an awesome dad.
469
00:17:33,949 --> 00:17:35,226
You really should
have kids.
470
00:17:35,261 --> 00:17:36,400
So, can we just
sign the papers
471
00:17:36,434 --> 00:17:37,642
so we can get
the hell out of here?
472
00:17:37,677 --> 00:17:40,059
Either you open it
or the heat does.
473
00:17:40,093 --> 00:17:41,094
It's your call.
474
00:17:41,129 --> 00:17:45,754
475
00:17:45,788 --> 00:17:47,100
Um...
476
00:17:47,135 --> 00:17:48,136
[ Clipboard hits the ground ]
477
00:17:48,170 --> 00:17:49,585
Okay.
I guess I'm opening it.Wait.
478
00:17:49,620 --> 00:17:50,793
You really don't
have to open it.[ Door rattles ]
479
00:17:50,828 --> 00:17:52,761
It's just -- Let me just get
my Pee paw for a second.
480
00:17:52,795 --> 00:17:54,452
[ Crowbar clanks ]You really don't
have to open it.
481
00:17:54,487 --> 00:17:55,453
[ Shrieks ]
482
00:18:03,289 --> 00:18:04,255
[ Screams ]
483
00:18:04,290 --> 00:18:06,913
Aah! God!
I'm covered in drugs!
484
00:18:06,947 --> 00:18:09,778
[ Screaming ]
It burns! Help me!
485
00:18:09,812 --> 00:18:11,435
Drugs!
486
00:18:11,469 --> 00:18:12,815
Are you seeing this?
487
00:18:12,850 --> 00:18:16,025
This is just so much worse
than I thought it would be.
488
00:18:16,060 --> 00:18:18,097
It burns!
Drugs!
489
00:18:18,131 --> 00:18:19,822
It's milk!
Chill!
490
00:18:19,857 --> 00:18:21,686
[ Whimpers ]
491
00:18:21,721 --> 00:18:24,275
So, this whole thing
was just for milk?
492
00:18:24,310 --> 00:18:25,449
Well, I mean,
if you think
493
00:18:25,483 --> 00:18:28,314
Grade A Canadian homo milk
is just milk.
494
00:18:28,348 --> 00:18:30,109
But -- But you told me
it was drugs!
495
00:18:30,143 --> 00:18:32,456
I definitely did not.
496
00:18:32,490 --> 00:18:33,974
Though it'd be
a hell of a lot easier
497
00:18:34,009 --> 00:18:35,769
to ship this shit
if it weredrugs.
498
00:18:35,804 --> 00:18:37,185
[ Chuckles nervously ]
499
00:18:38,841 --> 00:18:41,948
Homo milk, huh?
Is that from gay cows?
500
00:18:41,982 --> 00:18:45,365
"Homo" is short
for "homogenized."
501
00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:46,435
Here, man.
502
00:18:46,470 --> 00:18:47,471
My man.
Good to see you.
503
00:18:47,505 --> 00:18:48,817
All right, man.
504
00:18:48,851 --> 00:18:52,614
One oligarch controls 99%
of the Russian dairy market,
505
00:18:52,648 --> 00:18:54,512
so the people have no choice
but to drink
506
00:18:54,547 --> 00:18:57,826
his overpriced,
under-pasteurized swill.
507
00:18:57,860 --> 00:19:00,449
This homo stuff is cheap,
and it's easy,
508
00:19:00,484 --> 00:19:03,211
which is what the Russian people
really want.
509
00:19:03,245 --> 00:19:04,453
Okay, boys!
510
00:19:04,488 --> 00:19:06,352
Clean this up.
Let's get it on the boat.
511
00:19:06,386 --> 00:19:07,215
Wait, please.
512
00:19:07,249 --> 00:19:08,837
I don't have
anywhere else to go.
513
00:19:08,871 --> 00:19:10,321
Go home.
514
00:19:10,356 --> 00:19:12,496
You don't belong here.
515
00:19:12,530 --> 00:19:14,843
You're not like your mother.
You're a good person.
516
00:19:14,877 --> 00:19:16,569
This will barely get me
a bus ticket.
517
00:19:16,603 --> 00:19:18,398
So?
You'll steal the rest.
518
00:19:18,433 --> 00:19:19,641
You're good at this
thief stuff, right?
519
00:19:19,675 --> 00:19:20,676
Isn't that
what you told me?
520
00:19:20,711 --> 00:19:22,506
You just gave that guy
a thousand bucks!
521
00:19:22,540 --> 00:19:26,475
No, that guy just earned
a thousand bucks.
522
00:19:26,510 --> 00:19:28,201
[ Quietly ]
You told me it was drugs.
523
00:19:28,236 --> 00:19:29,823
No, I didn't!
524
00:19:29,858 --> 00:19:32,930
525
00:19:34,449 --> 00:19:39,661
526
00:19:39,695 --> 00:19:40,696
Yeah!
527
00:19:40,731 --> 00:19:42,595
Get some!
Oh, yeah!
528
00:19:42,629 --> 00:19:44,355
So, why'd you do it?
Why'd you leave?
529
00:19:44,390 --> 00:19:45,839
I just wanted
a place to belong
530
00:19:45,874 --> 00:19:47,876
where people accepted me
for who I am.
531
00:19:47,910 --> 00:19:49,360
You had that.
It's called home.
532
00:19:49,395 --> 00:19:51,051
I know, but we were
so messed up.
533
00:19:51,086 --> 00:19:52,570
What family isn't?
[ Sighs ]
534
00:19:52,605 --> 00:19:54,434
I bet you guys barely
even noticed I was gone.
535
00:19:54,469 --> 00:19:55,504
Are you kidding me?
536
00:19:55,539 --> 00:19:57,299
We traveled the globe
chasing your videos.
537
00:19:59,784 --> 00:20:01,510
You guys actually went
to all those places?!
538
00:20:01,545 --> 00:20:03,236
Bet you guys had
a lot of fun without me.
539
00:20:03,271 --> 00:20:04,927
Oh, no.
It was terrible.
540
00:20:04,962 --> 00:20:06,101
But Japan.
541
00:20:06,135 --> 00:20:07,723
Oh, God.
Japan was the worst.
542
00:20:07,758 --> 00:20:11,382
543
00:20:11,417 --> 00:20:12,452
[ Gong sounds ]
544
00:20:12,487 --> 00:20:15,386
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
545
00:20:15,421 --> 00:20:17,077
Ha-ha!
546
00:20:17,112 --> 00:20:18,147
Aaaaaah!
37110
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