Original subtitles

RON: Thank you, Tucson!

Yo, ding-ding. Bad news.

You got the temp job, homeboy.

What? Yep. Welcome to the world of the walking dead, my man.

Oh, this is so awesome! Mm-hmm.

My first job. Yeah.

Allow me to bestow upon you your first employee name tag.

May there be many more.

This says "Randy."

Yeah, yeah, I know.

It's part of Sport Space's "green initiative"

to recycle more.

It was either that or "Sanjay."

I miss Sanjay.

Or whatever his name was.

MAN: Hey. (groans)

Welcome to the team, Randy.

It's actually "Brandon." Amazing.

You're like a mini Ron-- you put a beard on you and...

Wow, you really look nothing like him.

We actually have a lot of things in common-- we both like...

Uh, Shawn, I think I see trying on sprint shoes.

Not on my watch, they're not.

Exactly.

Okay, hey, listen to me.

People around here are pretty chatty,

and I'm sort of so do me a favor

and don't talk me ever, okay?

Well, if someone wants to... No.

But I was just going to... How about you don't, okay?

I'm gonna be in the pup tent display.

Wake me when it's quitting time.

Welcome to the team, Randy.

(laughter, indistinct chatter)

Take it easy, Day One.

Oh, Gary, you should've seen it.

This drunk guy comes in from the bar next-door

and throws up everywhere.

And then they get on the P.A.,

and they say, "Clean up in active wear."

And you know who they were talking about? Me.

Mm. Oh, it's milestones like that

I wish I was awake for.

Where's small fry?

Robby? He's still in bed.

Didn't go to school today.

He's not feeling well.

Mm.

Oh, right, that's me. Okay.

(makes goofy fart sound) Hey.

Word on the street is you're sick, buddy.

What's the matter?

Gulf War Syndrome.

Wow.

I got headaches, myalgia,

chronic bronchitis...

Oh, nice try.

That is a tough one to pull off.

Too many side effects to keep track of.

I can't even pronounce them. Yeah, I know, right?

So what's the real deal?

There's this kid at school that won't leave me alone.

Knocking my lunch down.

Leaving threatening notes in my cubby.

I can't take it anymore!

Oh, you got to be kidding me.

I've seen you clobber kids twice your size.

Plus that thing you did to the goat at the petting zoo.

That was scary.

It thinks it's too good for my apple slices!

What the hell?

Anyway,

this is different.

Oh, come on. You got to be tougher than that.

You just got to sack up and take care of business.

It's all part of becoming a man.

Okay! I'll go to school tomorrow

and kick her ass!

Boom! That's the spirit!

Kick her a... Oh, wait, whoa.

Her?! Sally Teel.

I'll have a bratwurst.

Coming right up.

Let me just fire up the grill.

(flames whoosh)

RON: Oh...

that Sally Teel. Yeah.

She's finally back in school,

with a big bald spot on the side of her head.

Nothing will grow there.

She's allergic to wigs.

And she wants to make me pay.

Like it's my fault or something.

Wow, tough break.

That's what I thought-- till you said

it's okay to take her out.

Good talk.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa.

Slow down there, Bam Bam.

How about I go talk to her mom?

And if that doesn't work, there's always the goat thing.

There's always the goat thing.

I'll keep that in mind. Come on.

It was very thoughtful of you to come by,

Mr. Gunderson.

You have to understand, it's been very hard on Sally

since the... incident.

Well, I can imagine.

Hm.

Have you tried hats?

Or you know what else, I've heard

there have been wonderful advancements in scarf technology.

You know, she's just not the same little girl,

now that she's not able to compete anymore.

Compete? Oh, you didn't know?

(whistles) This used to be a monument to her achievements, but now

(voice breaks): it's just a shrine to a dead dream.

This is what your son took away from my Sally.

Mm.

Gosh, this is just...

top-notch shelf work.

What is this, maple? Her talent

was ballroom dancing, but...

no one wants to be her partner anymore.

Yeah. Now she'll never

win Junior Miss and Mister Minute Man.

Oh, come on, her hair can't be that bad.

She's bald!

Oh, wow, you're...

eyes are popping out of your skull

a little bit right now, so...

I think I'm gonna go

grab some finger sandwiches on the way.

The deviled ham was great, so...

I'm just gonna get out of your hair.

I'm gonna get... (clears throat)

"out of your hair."

It's not even the $5,000 prize that's so upsetting...

(bell dings) it's the fact that, you know,

she'll never get the chance... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Pain, loss, life-long disfigurement--

I know, I get it.

Shh...

Did you say something about $5,000?

Well, that's the prize for each winner.

Yeah.

Well, I will tell you something, I am not gonna sit by idly

and watch this injustice go on any further, okay?

Your daughter is upset and bald!

My son is upset-- why not kill two kids with one stone?

Robby can be her dance partner.

And I know for a fact that he would love to do it.

No freaking way!

I'm not dancing with that bald psycho!

Come on, Robby,

listen, I-I'm trying to teach you

a lesson in kindness and compassion here, okay?

I can think of at least 5,000 reasons you should do it.

Ron's right-- and we don't want these people making trouble for us.

Besides, dancing will change your life.

Uh, what, you dance?

Oh, I did.

I took five years of jazz and tap

at the Pizzazz Movement Arts in Morristown.

Then the Christmas pageant of '06.

Blew out my knee doing a leap

in second on a patch of fake snow.

Never did get to finish that routine.

Mm.

But, on the bright side,

it got me in a gym class for two years,

and now I can tell when it's gonna rain.

Hm! I'm not doing this.

I already have one bully.

People find out I'm a dancer, I'm a dead man!

Robby?

ROBBY: He's not here.

I don't care what you say,

I don't care what you do,

I will never, ever do it!

Ever, ever, ever, ever...!

What's that?

It's exactly what you think it is.

It's all your favorite junk foods

crushed into a ball, then we rolled them in Gummi Worms

and sprinkled them with all the loose candy

you dropped between the couch cushions.

(grunting) Not now, monkey. You want it,

you're gonna have to come out of the closet and dance.

You guys don't play fair.

Mm-hmm.

WOMAN: See a lot of new faces this year.

Oh, jeepers creepers-- these are the kids you have to beat?

These little freaks take this crap seriously, huh?

Please.

Just putting on leg warmers and Capezios

doesn't make you a dancer.

I'm gonna look like a total knob. No, hey,

no, no, no, don't you worry about that, okay?

I got your back.

I promise that I'll absolutely

never, ever let anything bad happen to you, okay?

Okay.

Okay.

(screaming)

I don't care that you're doing this.

I still hate you.

MRS. TEEL: Mm. So glad you could show up.

You know what would be just super,

is if we could stick to the scheduled times from now on.

All the good power ballads have already been taken.

Mm. I knew this was a bad idea.

There's no way we're gonna be ready in a week.

Oh, uh, hey,

uh, come here.

You got to cool it

with all this negative energy, okay?

That stuff is super-duper contagious,

so just do me a favor and shut your eyes, all right?

Shut 'em, yeah.

Yeah, now visualize with me,

you and I accepting giant, oversized cardboard checks

for $5,000, okay?

Minus my expenses and valet parking.

But it's not about me-- this is about

these two wonderful little children right here

getting out there on stage and dancing their little hearts out,

win or lose.

But definitely not losing.

Hi, Marcia. It's Ron.

Listen, um, I'm a little concerned.

I have been watching some pageant videos

and hitting up a few Web sites, and I got to say,

it was a major, major wakeup call.

If Robby doesn't show up with a spray-on tan,

colored contacts and lash extensions,

we are never gonna get those eyes to pop, all right?

So call me back, for serious. Bye.

People here are really cool.

Why? What'd you do? Nothing.

I was just talking to Bev about ice cream.

We had a big debate about which was better,

cookies 'n' cream or peach.

I told her you love Here Comes the Fudge.

Oh, no. Oh, stupid,

stupid, stupid. Cookies 'n' cream?

No. No, no, no, not you. It's me.

I have been so caught up in turning Robby into a sideshow spectacle,

I forgot that you're not the smart one.

Come on, come with me.

I gotta tell you something. Come on.

You know, we have a Web site, people.

You can buy all that stuff online.

Come on.

All right, let me show you something.

Keep an eye on the door.

What I'm about to show you,

I have never shown another human being, okay?

All right.

I live my life at Sport Space on the razor's edge.

This...

is a lie-a-gram, okay?

Now, pay close attention,

because my continued existence

and employee discount depend on it. You ready?

Yeah.

Here we go.

Bev...

thinks that I have diabetes. Wait. What?!

I ate her Creamsicle out of the employee fridge one day,

and when she accused me of doing it, I told her

it couldn't possibly be me because I'm a diabetic, see?

Yeah, I guess.

Okay. Now, Pete was also there

for that lie, so he's in Bev's circle.

But he's also in the circle that believes that I am

an alternate for the Olympic archery team, okay?

I didn't want to take a shift.

Then there's Shawn-- he thinks

I am dyslexic because I didn't want

to get quizzed on the employee manual, for obvious reasons.

But there's no way that Pete would ever believe that lie

because we talk about comic books together.

That's why the dyslexic point is well outside of Pete's circle.

Since Shawn is here all the time,

I had to sell him on all of these.

So he thinks that I'm a dyslexic, diabetic archer.

Oh, then there's Jim--

he thinks I'm a Mormon, for no specific reason. Yet.

It's just nice to have options. Yeah.

(sighs) All right, children,

starting positions...

And, uh-one, two, three, four...

(Robby grunting)

She's sticking her nails into me!

SALLY: It was an accident.

Like when you exploded my head.

All right, could we focus, please?

RON: Ah, there's my guys!

Lookin' good, lookin' good!

You two, not so much. Anyway, hey, look,

I got the tux and gown you asked for, okay?

But I picked up a few other options on the way,

so just hear me out: Pirate and wench.

Could be interesting, right?

Or... the bumble bee and flower look.

You think that's a little too cutesy? Too cutesy.

Maybe. I thought that, but... MRS. TEEL: I was thinking...

Hey, where are you guys going?

You have a chance for glory that may never come again.

Before you know it, you'll be ten or 11,

looking back on what you might've been...

Uh, Gary...? ...an incredible...

Uh, sorry, sorry. Starting positions.

Come on. One, two, three, four...

One, two... step by step...

...two, three, step. Front, back...

And turn and dip

and swoop

and mean it.

It's 2:00 in the morning, Gary.

My feet are bleeding.

How dare you.

I wish my feet were bleeding.

The damn things are as soft and uncalloused as a baby's ass.

(whining): I want to go to sleep.

Baryshnikov didn't sleep for eight years.

He just took little catnaps during his incredible leaps.

But I'm so tired.

Well, then eat more candy ball.

What is going on?

Ron, tell Gary I have to go to sleep.

Your brother's right.

Two more hours, then some core work

then straight to bed for both of you, okay?

GARY: You heard him.

And one, two, three, step.

Front, back-- a little faster-- front, back...

Did you see Janine Tate?

She must have put on two pounds.

And what about Jeremy Walton?

If those aren't calf implants, I'll eat my hat.

Ugh, look at Randall.

Face like a hamster.

It's like, grow a chin, right?

Look, Marcia, I know that Phyllis was just trying

to psych us out at lunch today,

but it got me thinking, and we really got to ask ourselves,

are these kids as committed to the dream as we are?

Because I'm not sure-- I'm really not.

Oop-- Robby's here.

Gotta go. Kisses.

You broke your promise.

You said you had my back,

and you wouldn't let anything bad happen to me.

But Sally's still torturing me, Gary's driving me crazy!

Whoa! Okay, slow down.

Oh, boy, Marcia warned me this would happen.

It's a classic day four tiara tantrum.

But don't you worry, little man,

I have got just the cure.

Well, I am just over the moon

that we went with the pirate outfit.

I think it totally justifies the tan.

Elegant choice. Mm-hmm.

Oh, boy,

we are going to have to pad that tush

to give it a little oomph.

So what you up to this weekend, Randy?

Doing anything fun with the family?

Yeah.

Well, Dad's got his archery.

You know, he's trying to cut two seconds off his time.

He still doing that?

You know, I'd love to come watch sometime.

Oh, well-- you can't.

Because he's bad at giving directions.

You know, the dyslexia.

Ron's dyslexic?

Worse case I've ever seen.

He can't even take oral tests.

Dyslexic?

But Ron told me he was a reader at the tabernacle.

Ron's Mormon? How come he took Hanukkah off last year?

Wait, I don't see how he can be dyslexic and still be...

He's only part-time dyslexic.

He can read on Sundays. But just comic books.

He's also half Jewish, which is why he took up archery.

And he can't eat Creamsicles.

I swear, he can't eat Creamsicles!

Look, I don't know!

I don't know!

Huh. Something about that story just does not add up.

Ten minutes, people. Ten minutes to curtain.

Suck it in, honey. This is it.

Okay, I need my eight-year-olds warming up.

You're on in ten.

Okay, Robby, come on, hurry up in there. Just poop it out.

God, don't tell me you let him eat today?

Oh, no. I think it's just the excitement

of the competition, you know.

There's Charlotte and Martin.

They're the team to beat.

It would be a shame if something were to happen to one of them.

RON: That would be a shame.

You know, she's, um, highly allergic to wheat.

Blows up like a balloon on contact.

Huh. I'm allergic to bees.

I mean, I've never been stung by one, but... No, what I'm saying is,

if she were to accidentally, you know, eat something with wheat in it,

she probably wouldn't be able to dance.

Same thing with the bees. If I got stung by one... Idiot!

Give her some wheat.

Put some of this in her water.

Oh. But-But then she...

Oh!

Oh! Oh! Ahoy, Robby, hey.

What are you doing?

What, me? Nothing, nothing. Just, uh...

You're poisoning them so I'll win, aren't you?

Look, I...

That's awesome. I was totally wrong about you.

You had my back all along.

Oh, whoa.

What am I doing?

This is all wrong. This-this is all wrong.

You don't have to get it perfect.

Poison is poison.

No, no, no, no.

I mean, what-what am I doing?

What-What is the lesson I'm teaching you here?

Robby... I'm going to tell you something.

And I mean this from the bottom of my heart, okay?

You look like a tool.

I knew it. So does that mean...?

Yes.

No more junk in the trunk.

(relieved sigh)

Robby's out.

He's not doing it.

What?! What are you talking about?!

He can't back out now!

I'm sorry. I was trying to cash

a giant cardboard check that wasn't mine to endorse.

No one should ever have to do something

that makes them miserable.

See you on the playground.

What-wha-- okay,

they're supposed to be on in two minutes.

What am I supposed to do?

Uh...

I'll do it.

I'll dance with her.

What? That's crazy.

Is it? I know all the moves.

I'm a much better dancer than Robby will ever be.

No offense. None taken.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Gary, wait.

What about your knee?

It's not gonna rain.

Not today. What...?

Hey, Gary...

Ron! Ron... we gotta talk.

Look, I messed up. It's the Lie-a-gram.

I blew your cover, blew it all to hell.

Whoa, whoa, all of it?

Even the Mormon thing?

Damn it, Brandon, that was my escape hatch.

I'm so sorry.

I will help you find another job.

Another job?

Do you have any idea how many years it took me to build up

that foundation of undeserved respect and pity?

I can't deal with this right now. Wait, wait.

MAN (over P.A.): And now, competing in the Super Juniors category,

the contemporary stylings of Mr. Robby Gunderson...

Don't worry, we're going to do great.

Just remember to keep your shoulders back on those turns...

Your crazy dad was right. What?

No one should have to do something that makes them miserable.

Wait! You can't just leave me.

Gary, get off the stage!

Oh...

No, not the leap in second, you crazy bastard...

It's Christmas '06 all over again.

(crack, Gary groans)

(all groaning)

Oh, not again.

I think he's injured.

Cut the music. No!

That's not an injury... it's my cue.

What should I do?

Pop the knee.

Are you sure? Pop the knee!

(loud crack)

Ow! Other knee.

Sorry.

(pop, groaning)

Ron, help me up. I can do this on my own.

What about your knees?

This-- This is my knees now.

Good man.

Yeah!

WOMAN: He's not eight!

MAN: He's a ringer!

MAN 2: Cheater! (all booing)

You suck!

Can you hear them?

Can you hear the applause and the trumpets?

(cheers and applause echoing)

(audience booing) Wherever you are right now, Gary,

just stay there.

(booing continues)

Damn it, Ron, be careful.

Oh, I liked you so much better when you were delirious.

Let's just get the heck out of here before we run into...

Hey. You!

There she is.

There's the woman I was looking for.

So listen, no rush getting the wench costume back to me, okay?

And on the off chance

that we actually might have won this thing,

the cut's now 70-30. That's more than generous.

Gary did all the work.

You and your horrible family stay the hell away from us

before you do anymore damage to my Sally! Get it?!

Okay.

(cheering) Thank you, thank you.

Excuse me, guys.

(thudding crack) Oh! Oh, my knee! RON: Oh, shut up!

Oh, what are you doing?

I'm quitting. I screwed everything up for you.

No, you didn't.

You didn't, all right?

Stop, stop. Listen to me.

Just like Robby can't dance like Gary,

you can't lie like me, okay?

I'm the Gregory Hines of lying.

I've won awards for it.

Really? No.

You are good. I know.

Ever since I got hit by a car as a child,

I've this incredible capacity.

Really? I could do this all day.

(chuckles) The point is, I found us a way out.

I didn't need to prove that I was telling the truth.

I only needed to prove that you never did... hmm?

Boom. That's right--

I told everybody you're schizophrenic.

Have been since the day you were born.

I don't know, Ron-- how am I going to pull that off? Don't worry about it.

You also have a history of violent outbursts, all right?

Nobody's going to pry.

Congratulations. Your first lie circle.

This is the coolest thing anyone's ever done for me.

Really? No.

Nice. I did not see that coming.

You didn't? Of course I did.