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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:18,686 --> 00:00:20,246 RON: Thank you, Tucson! 2 00:00:23,457 --> 00:00:24,987 MAN ON INTERCOM: Pick up the phone and dial 9. 3 00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:26,055 Go on. Kick it. 4 00:00:26,094 --> 00:00:27,934 It looks a little cheap. 5 00:00:27,961 --> 00:00:31,831 Are you sure this is really sturdy enough to keep bears out? 6 00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:33,525 Oh, my gosh. Bears. 7 00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:34,597 Bears, bears. 8 00:00:34,635 --> 00:00:36,035 That's all anybody ever wants to talk about. 9 00:00:36,070 --> 00:00:38,010 These bears. I've never even seen one. 10 00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:40,868 You know, in actuality, 90% of camp food 11 00:00:40,908 --> 00:00:42,878 is actually taken by badgers. 12 00:00:42,910 --> 00:00:43,910 90%? 13 00:00:43,944 --> 00:00:46,284 Pretty damn close to 90%, yeah. 14 00:00:46,314 --> 00:00:48,824 Anyway, this thing here has got a badger rating 15 00:00:48,849 --> 00:00:50,749 of about, uh... 400? 16 00:00:50,784 --> 00:00:52,524 I think. 450? 17 00:00:52,553 --> 00:00:53,653 Wow. 18 00:00:53,687 --> 00:00:56,887 480. That is as high as I can legally sell you. 19 00:00:56,924 --> 00:00:58,064 Okay. 20 00:00:58,092 --> 00:00:59,362 Hey, Ronnie! Hey, Glenn. 21 00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:01,633 I just thought I'd see if you wanna go get a beer after work. 22 00:01:01,662 --> 00:01:04,432 Why wait? Boom stick. 23 00:01:04,465 --> 00:01:07,165 Terrific. Oh, wait, wait, wait. 24 00:01:07,201 --> 00:01:08,441 You're gonna hurt yourself. 25 00:01:09,337 --> 00:01:11,067 Lift with the legs. 26 00:01:14,041 --> 00:01:15,311 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down, buddy. 27 00:01:15,343 --> 00:01:16,583 You act like you're the one 28 00:01:16,610 --> 00:01:18,180 who just left an open register all by itself. 29 00:01:18,212 --> 00:01:19,882 I just don't know how much time we have. 30 00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:21,153 Angela still wants a baby, 31 00:01:21,182 --> 00:01:23,582 so if she texts me, I have 32 00:01:23,617 --> 00:01:25,817 16 minutes to get home and have sex with her. 33 00:01:25,853 --> 00:01:28,323 Oh. It's just tough to prep 34 00:01:28,356 --> 00:01:29,686 and still keep my hands at ten and two. 35 00:01:29,723 --> 00:01:31,563 Remind me never to borrow your car again. 36 00:01:31,592 --> 00:01:35,032 So, how's everything with you, Mr. Fake Family Man? 37 00:01:35,062 --> 00:01:36,932 You know what? I'm actually liking the gig. 38 00:01:36,964 --> 00:01:38,874 It's good. I got a steady paycheck. 39 00:01:38,899 --> 00:01:40,229 Not too much responsibility. 40 00:01:40,268 --> 00:01:42,068 Not to be cheesy, but it's not all business. 41 00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:43,742 I feel like we're becoming a real family. 42 00:01:43,771 --> 00:01:44,941 That's great. Mm-hmm. 43 00:01:44,972 --> 00:01:45,912 How are the boys? 44 00:01:45,939 --> 00:01:48,139 Not a clue, I haven't seen 'em in three days. 45 00:01:48,176 --> 00:01:50,336 What? I mean, shouldn't you check up on them? 46 00:01:50,378 --> 00:01:52,008 My God, they could be dead, for all you know. 47 00:01:52,045 --> 00:01:53,245 Oh, man. 48 00:01:53,281 --> 00:01:55,251 That would go right on the news, wouldn't it? 49 00:01:55,283 --> 00:01:56,753 That's a leading story. 50 00:02:06,794 --> 00:02:08,004 Guys? 51 00:02:08,028 --> 00:02:09,798 Anybody home? 52 00:02:09,830 --> 00:02:11,830 It's Ron. 53 00:02:13,734 --> 00:02:15,804 Hey? 54 00:02:15,836 --> 00:02:16,896 I'm in the house. 55 00:02:16,937 --> 00:02:19,967 (electronic whirring) 56 00:02:20,007 --> 00:02:21,737 Hey? 57 00:02:26,347 --> 00:02:28,177 Kind of creeping me out now. What's going on? 58 00:02:28,216 --> 00:02:29,876 Is everything okay? 59 00:02:33,454 --> 00:02:35,964 This isn't funny, guys. Come on! Come out! 60 00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:37,889 Gary? 61 00:02:37,925 --> 00:02:40,885 Brandon? 62 00:02:40,928 --> 00:02:42,528 (screaming) 63 00:02:44,698 --> 00:02:45,828 Chicken pox. 64 00:02:45,866 --> 00:02:48,196 Chicken pox? 65 00:02:48,236 --> 00:02:49,436 Oh, no. 66 00:02:49,470 --> 00:02:50,740 I had those when I was a kid. 67 00:02:50,771 --> 00:02:53,271 You guys are in for a rough week. 68 00:02:54,408 --> 00:02:56,308 Well, good luck with that. 69 00:02:56,344 --> 00:02:57,854 I wish Mom was here. 70 00:02:57,878 --> 00:02:59,608 She'd take care of us. 71 00:02:59,647 --> 00:03:01,577 You don't even remember Mom. 72 00:03:01,615 --> 00:03:02,615 Yeah, I do. 73 00:03:02,650 --> 00:03:05,150 She used to sing to us and play games, 74 00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:06,485 and she could fly. 75 00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:08,220 That was Mary Poppins. 76 00:03:08,256 --> 00:03:11,386 Oh, son of a bitch. 77 00:03:11,425 --> 00:03:13,325 Okay. Everybody into bed. Come on. 78 00:03:13,361 --> 00:03:14,631 I'm gonna take care of everything. 79 00:03:14,662 --> 00:03:16,162 Uncle Daddy Ron's going to make sure everything's... 80 00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:19,026 Oh, my God, you have one on your eyelid! 81 00:03:19,066 --> 00:03:22,096 BRANDON: Ron! 82 00:03:22,135 --> 00:03:23,365 Okay. ROBBY: Help! 83 00:03:23,404 --> 00:03:25,244 I'm coming. GARY: My throat hurts! 84 00:03:25,273 --> 00:03:26,273 Okay. All right. Ron! 85 00:03:26,307 --> 00:03:27,307 That is for you. 86 00:03:27,341 --> 00:03:28,241 Oh, and, uh, you asked 87 00:03:28,276 --> 00:03:29,306 for the notepad, right? Thanks. 88 00:03:29,343 --> 00:03:30,283 It itches. 89 00:03:30,311 --> 00:03:31,351 I know. What'd I tell you 90 00:03:31,379 --> 00:03:32,609 about the scratch monster, Robby? 91 00:03:32,646 --> 00:03:35,916 He eats kids that scratch too much. 92 00:03:35,949 --> 00:03:36,919 That's right. 93 00:03:36,950 --> 00:03:38,950 And he gobbles them up slowly and painfully. 94 00:03:38,986 --> 00:03:40,016 Ron! 95 00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:41,763 Calamine lotion! 96 00:03:41,789 --> 00:03:42,989 Okay. I'm on it. 97 00:03:43,023 --> 00:03:44,433 Oh, God. What? 98 00:03:44,458 --> 00:03:46,328 I think I got some in my butt crack. 99 00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:48,631 Okay. 100 00:03:48,662 --> 00:03:50,062 Uh, here. 101 00:03:50,097 --> 00:03:51,397 There you go, Tiger. 102 00:03:51,432 --> 00:03:53,472 Just, uh, clench and release. 103 00:03:53,501 --> 00:03:54,871 It'll work its way down there. 104 00:03:54,902 --> 00:03:55,942 Okay. What?! 105 00:03:55,969 --> 00:03:57,869 Coming! Clench, clench. 106 00:03:57,905 --> 00:04:00,405 107 00:04:07,981 --> 00:04:09,581 Oh, yeah. Okay. 108 00:04:09,617 --> 00:04:12,517 So, everybody feeling taken care of, right? 109 00:04:12,553 --> 00:04:13,523 Comfy? 110 00:04:13,554 --> 00:04:14,494 Good. 111 00:04:14,522 --> 00:04:16,422 Okay, so, listen, I know we didn't exactly 112 00:04:16,457 --> 00:04:17,757 discuss the issue of hazard pay, 113 00:04:17,791 --> 00:04:19,891 but, uh, I'm assuming there'll be a little something extra 114 00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:21,557 in my envelope this week. 115 00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:23,025 Great news, guys. I just talked to the school 116 00:04:23,063 --> 00:04:25,333 and I convinced them to let Ron go pick up our homework. 117 00:04:25,366 --> 00:04:26,166 Homework?! 118 00:04:26,199 --> 00:04:27,199 Are you crazy? 119 00:04:27,234 --> 00:04:28,344 We could have gone a whole week 120 00:04:28,369 --> 00:04:29,339 without learning anything! 121 00:04:29,370 --> 00:04:31,310 Are you crazy? A week? 122 00:04:31,339 --> 00:04:32,769 That's two percent of the school year. 123 00:04:32,806 --> 00:04:35,176 That puts me off the valedictorian track. 124 00:04:35,208 --> 00:04:36,478 And the best I could do from that point 125 00:04:36,510 --> 00:04:38,050 would be salutatorian. 126 00:04:38,078 --> 00:04:40,048 What's salutatorian? 127 00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:41,080 Exactly! 128 00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:43,754 129 00:04:49,222 --> 00:04:50,292 Hey, hey. 130 00:04:50,324 --> 00:04:51,264 Hey, buddy, can you tell me 131 00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:52,531 where the office is? 132 00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:55,830 I'm a teacher of advanced social studies, buddy. 133 00:04:55,863 --> 00:04:56,603 Right. I am not 134 00:04:56,630 --> 00:04:58,500 a "you are here" dot on a mall map. 135 00:04:58,532 --> 00:05:01,802 If you think that I have time... 136 00:05:01,835 --> 00:05:02,995 Wait a minute. 137 00:05:04,204 --> 00:05:05,414 You look familiar. 138 00:05:05,439 --> 00:05:06,609 Were you one of my students? 139 00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:09,880 No. I don't think so, Mr. Shuldi... uh... 140 00:05:09,910 --> 00:05:12,510 You know, I'll find it on my own. Thank you. 141 00:05:15,849 --> 00:05:18,119 I think it's sexy to see a single father 142 00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:19,821 so dedicated to his children. 143 00:05:19,853 --> 00:05:20,893 Mm-hmm. 144 00:05:20,921 --> 00:05:22,661 You just want to take a man like that 145 00:05:22,690 --> 00:05:25,690 and hold him really tight. 146 00:05:25,726 --> 00:05:27,826 Homework? 147 00:05:28,896 --> 00:05:29,856 It's what I came for. 148 00:05:29,897 --> 00:05:32,067 I'm a single mom, myself, so... 149 00:05:32,099 --> 00:05:34,099 I know how tough it can be. 150 00:05:34,134 --> 00:05:36,244 Oh. Oh, man, yeah. 151 00:05:36,269 --> 00:05:38,139 Tell me about it. I know. 152 00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:39,571 You know, the term "heroes" 153 00:05:39,607 --> 00:05:42,477 gets thrown around a lot since 9/11, but, uh, 154 00:05:42,510 --> 00:05:44,180 I think in our case, it's totally justified. 155 00:05:44,211 --> 00:05:45,651 You could say that, uh, 156 00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:49,019 single parents are the firemen of the regular world. 157 00:05:49,049 --> 00:05:50,379 (laughing) 158 00:05:50,418 --> 00:05:51,688 (laughing) 159 00:05:53,954 --> 00:05:55,924 Hi. I'm Kathy. 160 00:05:55,956 --> 00:05:57,286 Hi. Ron. 161 00:05:57,324 --> 00:05:59,194 So, what kind of fire are you putting out? 162 00:05:59,226 --> 00:06:00,726 Oh, chicken pox. 163 00:06:00,761 --> 00:06:02,361 All three of my guys. 164 00:06:02,396 --> 00:06:03,296 Oh, gosh, you're so lucky. 165 00:06:03,330 --> 00:06:04,470 What? 166 00:06:04,498 --> 00:06:05,528 My Bethany hasn't had them yet. 167 00:06:05,566 --> 00:06:08,836 I would love to get her exposed. 168 00:06:08,869 --> 00:06:09,869 Yeah. 169 00:06:09,903 --> 00:06:11,543 You want them to get it when they're young, right? 170 00:06:11,572 --> 00:06:13,212 Oh, absolutely. Yeah. That goes without saying. 171 00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:15,040 Th-That's why I didn't say it. 172 00:06:15,075 --> 00:06:16,905 (laughing) 173 00:06:16,944 --> 00:06:18,754 So, um, look. 174 00:06:18,779 --> 00:06:20,679 I'd love to help you out. Do-Do you want to maybe 175 00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:22,884 come to my place tomorrow night? 176 00:06:22,916 --> 00:06:24,146 Sounds good. 177 00:06:24,184 --> 00:06:25,154 Okay. 178 00:06:25,185 --> 00:06:26,115 Yeah. I'll bring Bethany by. 179 00:06:26,153 --> 00:06:28,363 Bethany? Ooh. 180 00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:29,188 My daughter. 181 00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:30,222 Your daughter. 182 00:06:30,257 --> 00:06:32,257 Yeah, you did say that you have a daughter. Right. 183 00:06:32,292 --> 00:06:33,492 Yeah, bring her by. 184 00:06:33,527 --> 00:06:36,657 And we'll, uh, we'll call it a date. 185 00:06:36,697 --> 00:06:37,467 Okay. 186 00:06:37,498 --> 00:06:38,968 All right. Okay. 187 00:06:38,999 --> 00:06:40,829 Uh, weren't you here for your kids' homework? 188 00:06:40,868 --> 00:06:41,898 Yep. 189 00:06:44,472 --> 00:06:45,642 Okay, there you go. 190 00:06:45,673 --> 00:06:46,743 Not just for breakfast, huh? 191 00:06:46,774 --> 00:06:48,014 Does that feel better? 192 00:06:48,041 --> 00:06:49,811 Eh... Eh? 193 00:06:49,843 --> 00:06:51,983 I can't believe you got their homework 194 00:06:52,012 --> 00:06:53,452 and you forgot mine! 195 00:06:53,481 --> 00:06:55,281 Shut up, Gary! I didn't even want my homework. 196 00:06:55,315 --> 00:06:56,375 Yeah. 197 00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:58,486 And you make terrible oatmeal! 198 00:06:58,519 --> 00:06:59,749 You're eating it? 199 00:06:59,787 --> 00:07:01,587 That's disgusting. How can you let him eat it? 200 00:07:01,622 --> 00:07:02,722 What's the matter with you?! 201 00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:03,786 I... BRANDON: Ron? 202 00:07:03,824 --> 00:07:04,534 Yeah? 203 00:07:04,558 --> 00:07:05,458 I think I'm gonna barf. 204 00:07:05,493 --> 00:07:06,593 Okay. I'm on it! 205 00:07:06,627 --> 00:07:07,927 And I want bananas for my oatmeal. 206 00:07:07,961 --> 00:07:09,301 Okay. I'm on it. 207 00:07:09,329 --> 00:07:11,899 And that calamine lotion never made it to my butt crack. 208 00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:13,732 You might be on your own with that one. 209 00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:15,037 You know, I should have known better 210 00:07:15,068 --> 00:07:16,338 than to count on you. 211 00:07:16,369 --> 00:07:17,769 You're the worst dad ever! 212 00:07:17,805 --> 00:07:21,165 BRANDON: Oh, oh, no. It came out the other end. 213 00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:27,311 214 00:07:27,347 --> 00:07:29,477 Okay, can you hear me, Mr. Shuldiner? 215 00:07:29,517 --> 00:07:31,947 Yes, Mr. Gunderson, we can all hear you. 216 00:07:31,985 --> 00:07:33,985 Is everything to your liking? 217 00:07:34,021 --> 00:07:36,361 Actually, could you tilt left a bit? 218 00:07:36,389 --> 00:07:38,129 (sighs) 219 00:07:38,158 --> 00:07:39,528 Just a skosh more. 220 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:42,160 Ah, too much... 221 00:07:42,195 --> 00:07:44,425 Back, back, back. 222 00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:46,574 Back, back. And walk away. 223 00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:49,540 You're quite sure there's nothing else you need? 224 00:07:49,570 --> 00:07:51,510 I'm golden. It's all you now. 225 00:07:51,539 --> 00:07:53,039 Hey, brainiac. You're doing my homework 226 00:07:53,073 --> 00:07:54,943 since you're the one who asked for it. 227 00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:55,635 Shh! 228 00:07:55,676 --> 00:07:57,546 I'm on video chat with school. 229 00:07:57,578 --> 00:08:00,248 Let's see. "What's missing in this picture?" 230 00:08:02,049 --> 00:08:03,649 There's nothing missing in this pic-- 231 00:08:03,684 --> 00:08:07,594 Oh, wait. It's the arms. 232 00:08:07,621 --> 00:08:08,891 Gets me every time. 233 00:08:08,922 --> 00:08:11,592 Get out, knob. 234 00:08:13,460 --> 00:08:14,730 Hey. 235 00:08:14,762 --> 00:08:16,662 Oh, hey, Brandon. 236 00:08:16,697 --> 00:08:18,927 Oh, my God. Look at me, man. I'm sweating like a pig. 237 00:08:18,966 --> 00:08:20,426 I'm not usually this nervous for a date. 238 00:08:20,467 --> 00:08:21,597 Date? 239 00:08:21,635 --> 00:08:23,735 Or dizzy. What is going on? 240 00:08:23,771 --> 00:08:26,471 Okay. Suck it up, Snuff. No choking on game day. 241 00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:27,906 This is what we practice for. 242 00:08:27,941 --> 00:08:28,581 What date? 243 00:08:28,609 --> 00:08:30,309 Oh, that feels good. 244 00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:31,413 I was just about 245 00:08:31,444 --> 00:08:32,654 to tell you, I planned a little 246 00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:34,080 mother-father, son-and-daughter 247 00:08:34,114 --> 00:08:35,554 double date for tonight. 248 00:08:35,583 --> 00:08:36,623 Wow, that is creepy. 249 00:08:36,650 --> 00:08:37,820 There's nothing creepy about it. 250 00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:39,891 She just wants you to infect her daughter. 251 00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:41,450 I can't see anyone like this, Ron. 252 00:08:41,488 --> 00:08:42,388 I'm covered in sores. 253 00:08:42,422 --> 00:08:43,922 You don't get it, man. 254 00:08:43,957 --> 00:08:45,387 She's into that kind of thing. 255 00:08:45,425 --> 00:08:46,485 That's why she's coming over. 256 00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:48,026 She wants you to get her sick. 257 00:08:48,061 --> 00:08:49,231 (doorbell rings) 258 00:08:49,262 --> 00:08:51,532 Oh, my God. I feel like I'm going to barf. 259 00:08:51,565 --> 00:08:52,665 You know what's going on here? 260 00:08:52,700 --> 00:08:54,330 I must have real feelings for this chick. 261 00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:57,767 (loudly): Uh, so I'll be by your bedside all night, kids, 262 00:08:57,805 --> 00:08:59,605 in case your temperatures spike again, all right? 263 00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:01,270 Hey, sorry. 264 00:09:01,308 --> 00:09:03,238 Kids. You know. They keep you running around, 265 00:09:03,276 --> 00:09:04,646 especially when you're doing it on your own. 266 00:09:04,678 --> 00:09:05,978 (chuckles) 267 00:09:06,013 --> 00:09:07,483 Anyway, it's good to see you again. Come on in. 268 00:09:07,514 --> 00:09:09,084 Hi. This is Bethany. 269 00:09:09,116 --> 00:09:10,916 Hi, Bethany. 270 00:09:10,951 --> 00:09:13,551 That is a nice little jacket thing you got on there. 271 00:09:13,587 --> 00:09:14,787 So, uh, what are you into? 272 00:09:14,822 --> 00:09:16,892 You like, uh, bracelets? 273 00:09:16,924 --> 00:09:19,094 Hannah Montana? Unicorns? 274 00:09:19,126 --> 00:09:22,026 It worked. I'm sick. Can we go now? 275 00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:24,262 You're not going anywhere, young lady. 276 00:09:24,297 --> 00:09:25,567 Bethany hates my guts today. 277 00:09:25,599 --> 00:09:27,399 Ah, she'll love your guts tomorrow, right? 278 00:09:27,434 --> 00:09:28,444 That's tweens for you. 279 00:09:28,468 --> 00:09:29,638 Tweens raised 280 00:09:29,670 --> 00:09:30,900 by single parents. 281 00:09:30,938 --> 00:09:32,438 Hey. 282 00:09:32,472 --> 00:09:33,542 Oh. 283 00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:35,143 Hi. 284 00:09:35,175 --> 00:09:36,435 Hey. 285 00:09:36,476 --> 00:09:38,846 Hey, look at this. 286 00:09:38,879 --> 00:09:40,909 This is what I'm talking about, yeah. 287 00:09:40,948 --> 00:09:42,578 Looks at these two. Dad. 288 00:09:42,616 --> 00:09:43,676 Sparks are flying. (imitates buzzing) 289 00:09:43,717 --> 00:09:45,387 Well, let's let them rock their thang. 290 00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:47,218 Oh, my God, Mom. 291 00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:49,094 Yeah! (Kathy laughing) 292 00:09:49,122 --> 00:09:50,092 Uh... 293 00:09:50,123 --> 00:09:51,523 so why don't we let them get acquainted? 294 00:09:51,558 --> 00:09:52,558 And you and I go have 295 00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:54,362 a little pot roast and champagne. Sound good? 296 00:09:54,394 --> 00:09:54,934 Yeah. Okay. 297 00:09:56,864 --> 00:09:58,634 (Ron whistles, Kathy laughs) 298 00:09:58,666 --> 00:10:00,826 Get out of here. You did not meet the bear 299 00:10:00,868 --> 00:10:02,038 that Yogi Bear was based on. 300 00:10:02,069 --> 00:10:03,969 Well, I'm just telling you what he told me. 301 00:10:04,004 --> 00:10:06,674 I'm not saying it's the truth. 302 00:10:06,707 --> 00:10:08,237 You're funny and you cook. 303 00:10:08,275 --> 00:10:09,205 Mm-hmm. 304 00:10:09,242 --> 00:10:11,782 You know, I only saw my ex in the kitchen once. 305 00:10:11,812 --> 00:10:13,812 Licking whipped cream off the babysitter. 306 00:10:13,847 --> 00:10:15,477 Oh, my God. Exes. 307 00:10:15,515 --> 00:10:16,845 Don't get me started. 308 00:10:16,884 --> 00:10:18,824 But you soldier on 'cause that's what's best 309 00:10:18,852 --> 00:10:19,922 for the kiddies, right? 310 00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:22,593 Oh, my God. Is it hot in here? 311 00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:25,262 It is a little warm. 312 00:10:25,292 --> 00:10:27,392 Oh. 313 00:10:27,427 --> 00:10:28,657 Now I'm cold. 314 00:10:28,696 --> 00:10:31,326 Is it freezing? 315 00:10:35,268 --> 00:10:37,298 So... 316 00:10:37,337 --> 00:10:39,967 I guess you're supposed to get me sick. 317 00:10:40,007 --> 00:10:43,637 Well, you don't have to do anything that you don't want to. 318 00:10:43,677 --> 00:10:46,047 We could just hang out and, uh... 319 00:10:46,079 --> 00:10:48,449 and talk. 320 00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:50,851 Oh, I'd like that. 321 00:10:51,952 --> 00:10:54,152 You know, I've never done this before. 322 00:10:54,187 --> 00:10:56,457 Yeah, well, when you're ready, 323 00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:59,029 I'll give it to you. 324 00:10:59,059 --> 00:11:00,989 Thanks. 325 00:11:02,062 --> 00:11:04,732 GARY (on computer): Excuse me? 326 00:11:04,765 --> 00:11:06,225 Excuse me? 327 00:11:06,266 --> 00:11:07,566 Hi. Uh... 328 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:09,570 Can you tell me what it says 329 00:11:09,602 --> 00:11:11,302 under "The Treaty of Versailles"? 330 00:11:13,140 --> 00:11:14,810 It says the Treaty of Versailles 331 00:11:14,842 --> 00:11:17,282 was June 27, 1919. 332 00:11:17,310 --> 00:11:19,350 Commonly accepted as the main impetus 333 00:11:19,379 --> 00:11:20,979 for World War II. 334 00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:22,824 Thanks. 335 00:11:22,850 --> 00:11:24,720 Commonly accepted, my ass. 336 00:11:24,752 --> 00:11:26,352 You need to go back to the Franco-Prussian War 337 00:11:26,386 --> 00:11:28,116 to make any sense of what happened in '36. 338 00:11:28,155 --> 00:11:31,355 But the Franco-Prussian War, it has nothing to do with it. 339 00:11:31,391 --> 00:11:33,161 Uh, yeah. You think that 340 00:11:33,193 --> 00:11:34,463 because you've been sucking down that swill 341 00:11:34,494 --> 00:11:37,804 McGraw-Hill's been slinging for the past 50 years. 342 00:11:38,665 --> 00:11:41,625 That needs to say, 343 00:11:41,668 --> 00:11:44,038 "June 28." 344 00:11:47,574 --> 00:11:50,244 You know, I envy women. I do. 345 00:11:50,277 --> 00:11:52,007 There's just no way a man can ever share 346 00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:53,375 that intimate bond that a woman has 347 00:11:53,413 --> 00:11:54,453 with a child. You know? 348 00:11:54,481 --> 00:11:57,621 I mean, you get to have them all the way inside you. 349 00:11:57,650 --> 00:11:59,390 The best I can ever hope for is a hug. 350 00:11:59,419 --> 00:12:01,019 That's not fair. 351 00:12:01,054 --> 00:12:03,164 Dad? Not now. Busy. 352 00:12:03,190 --> 00:12:05,390 Call school and tell them I'm not doing this. 353 00:12:05,425 --> 00:12:06,485 Whoa, whoa. 354 00:12:06,526 --> 00:12:09,626 So I don't solve the maze. The mouse starves. Big deal. 355 00:12:09,662 --> 00:12:11,702 Ah, big deal? Oh, they get so cranky 356 00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:13,331 when they're sick, don't they? 357 00:12:13,366 --> 00:12:14,426 Just breaks my heart. 358 00:12:14,467 --> 00:12:16,697 Hey, Ron. Grab a quick beer. Got some down time. 359 00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:17,836 Angela's on her back 360 00:12:17,871 --> 00:12:19,711 with her legs up on the wall. Oh. 361 00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:21,109 You are entertaining. 362 00:12:21,141 --> 00:12:22,541 Mm-hmm. Glenn, this is Kathy. 363 00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:24,805 Kathy, Glenn. I was just telling her how much it hurts me 364 00:12:24,845 --> 00:12:26,075 when my kids are sick. 365 00:12:26,113 --> 00:12:26,853 Aw. 366 00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:28,580 Mmm, I wish I could just 367 00:12:28,615 --> 00:12:29,815 take all that sickness 368 00:12:29,850 --> 00:12:30,980 and put it all inside of me. 369 00:12:31,018 --> 00:12:32,448 Do all the suffering for them. 370 00:12:32,485 --> 00:12:33,915 My little munchkin. 371 00:12:33,954 --> 00:12:36,164 What do they have? Chicken pox. 372 00:12:36,189 --> 00:12:38,189 (gasps) Are you insane? 373 00:12:38,225 --> 00:12:39,925 You can't be around chicken pox! 374 00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:42,230 It's 100 times worse if you get it as an adult. 375 00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:43,962 I mean, there's hallucinations and blisters 376 00:12:43,997 --> 00:12:45,427 and it's unbearable. 377 00:12:45,465 --> 00:12:47,265 Yeah, I know. I'm fine, Glenn. I got it from you 378 00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:49,000 in the second grade. Remember? That was measles. 379 00:12:49,036 --> 00:12:51,596 That was what? Oh, God! 380 00:12:51,638 --> 00:12:52,868 Get off of me! 381 00:12:52,906 --> 00:12:53,866 Oh, no! No pox! 382 00:12:53,907 --> 00:12:55,137 I'm okay. 383 00:12:55,175 --> 00:12:58,645 Please, no pox. Oh, God! Pox! 384 00:12:58,678 --> 00:12:59,778 Oh, you got me sick, 385 00:12:59,813 --> 00:13:01,513 you slimy, little germ machines. 386 00:13:01,548 --> 00:13:02,718 You happy? 387 00:13:02,749 --> 00:13:04,849 (sobbing) 388 00:13:05,819 --> 00:13:07,119 Oh, no chance 389 00:13:07,154 --> 00:13:09,624 this is ever going to be one of those crazy first date stories 390 00:13:09,656 --> 00:13:11,286 we laugh about later, is it? 391 00:13:12,025 --> 00:13:13,425 Pot roast was good, though, right? 392 00:13:15,863 --> 00:13:19,503 393 00:13:21,768 --> 00:13:22,768 (crowing) 394 00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:24,102 Yes, I really am sick, 395 00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:25,267 boss. 396 00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:26,665 (sniffling) 397 00:13:26,706 --> 00:13:28,376 Go ahead. Check the calendar. 398 00:13:28,408 --> 00:13:31,208 It's not Mardi Gras. It's not opening day. 399 00:13:31,244 --> 00:13:34,054 There's no Monster Truck-apalooza. 400 00:13:34,081 --> 00:13:37,551 You're kidding me. The Tucson Celtic Music Festival? 401 00:13:37,584 --> 00:13:40,294 Damn it! I was going to call in sick for that. 402 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,920 Hey, butt-pole. Which one of these old ladies 403 00:13:42,956 --> 00:13:43,986 was our first president? 404 00:13:44,024 --> 00:13:46,694 Look it up, ass pimple. 405 00:13:46,726 --> 00:13:47,786 All the facts are right there, people. 406 00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:48,957 I expect you to know this. 407 00:13:48,996 --> 00:13:49,826 Okay. I'm back now. 408 00:13:49,863 --> 00:13:50,963 Sorry you had to hear that. 409 00:13:50,998 --> 00:13:52,198 Anyway, my point is 410 00:13:52,232 --> 00:13:54,802 that many historians are now saying that World War II 411 00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,904 was the culmination of family conflicts 412 00:13:56,937 --> 00:13:58,807 dating back to the Franco-Prussian War. 413 00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:00,438 Vic the Janitor was explaining it to me. 414 00:14:00,473 --> 00:14:02,043 You're telling me that Vic the Janitor 415 00:14:02,075 --> 00:14:03,935 knows more about the origins of World War II than I do? 416 00:14:03,977 --> 00:14:04,947 Well, yeah. 417 00:14:04,978 --> 00:14:06,478 He made a lot of sense and... 418 00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:07,713 Enough. 419 00:14:07,747 --> 00:14:09,917 I'm in charge of molding young minds. 420 00:14:09,950 --> 00:14:11,420 He's in charge of dirt. 421 00:14:11,451 --> 00:14:14,921 Vic the Janitor can take his hundreds of keys 422 00:14:14,955 --> 00:14:16,985 and jangle them all he wants. 423 00:14:17,024 --> 00:14:18,634 He will not get my attention. 424 00:14:18,658 --> 00:14:20,158 Gary, I think it's time 425 00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:22,103 for one of those rest breaks we talked about. 426 00:14:22,129 --> 00:14:23,659 I don't need a rest. 427 00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:24,896 But I do. 428 00:14:24,932 --> 00:14:26,932 Okay. Fine. Whatever. 429 00:14:26,967 --> 00:14:28,967 Gunderson out. 430 00:14:35,308 --> 00:14:37,408 (gasps) 431 00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:42,379 (straining) 432 00:14:42,415 --> 00:14:44,615 (slurping) 433 00:14:46,987 --> 00:14:49,057 Hey, man, you got a sec? 434 00:14:49,089 --> 00:14:50,859 Help. I do need help. 435 00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:52,130 It's about Bethany. 436 00:14:52,159 --> 00:14:53,129 I think she's the one, Ron. 437 00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:54,390 But how do I know? 438 00:14:54,427 --> 00:14:55,597 Throat closing. 439 00:14:55,628 --> 00:14:57,658 Yeah. That is exactly what it feels like. 440 00:14:57,697 --> 00:14:59,127 Please. 441 00:14:59,166 --> 00:15:00,996 No, no. I know what you're saying. We're young. 442 00:15:01,034 --> 00:15:03,304 But maybe we'll be one of those couples who met in middle school 443 00:15:03,336 --> 00:15:04,496 and just stayed together forever. 444 00:15:04,537 --> 00:15:06,567 I mean, sure, we'll wonder, when we're 30 or 40, 445 00:15:06,606 --> 00:15:08,206 if we should have played the field more, 446 00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:09,441 but you can't look back. 447 00:15:09,476 --> 00:15:12,206 So sure, maybe one time, or two times, 448 00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:14,105 I made a stupid mistake with my secretary, 449 00:15:14,147 --> 00:15:15,217 but it meant nothing! 450 00:15:15,248 --> 00:15:17,648 Oh, don't look so surprised, Bethany. 451 00:15:17,684 --> 00:15:19,954 You knew damn well who I was when you married me! 452 00:15:19,987 --> 00:15:21,017 Need water! 453 00:15:21,054 --> 00:15:22,064 No thanks, I'm good. 454 00:15:22,089 --> 00:15:23,759 Well, thanks, man. 455 00:15:23,790 --> 00:15:25,330 I gotta run, but good talk. 456 00:15:25,358 --> 00:15:26,758 Help! Brandon! 457 00:15:26,793 --> 00:15:29,863 I am drinking carpet water. 458 00:15:29,896 --> 00:15:33,996 459 00:15:36,069 --> 00:15:37,669 (Gary singing along) 460 00:15:47,714 --> 00:15:49,684 461 00:15:57,824 --> 00:16:00,034 (beatboxing) 462 00:16:00,527 --> 00:16:01,327 (laughs) 463 00:16:01,361 --> 00:16:03,201 You enjoying yourself, craphead? 464 00:16:03,230 --> 00:16:05,230 Not as much as your class is. 465 00:16:05,265 --> 00:16:06,065 What? 466 00:16:06,099 --> 00:16:07,969 (class laughing) 467 00:16:08,001 --> 00:16:09,301 Shouldn't we turn this off? 468 00:16:09,336 --> 00:16:10,996 No. 469 00:16:11,038 --> 00:16:13,908 Robby, what did you do? 470 00:16:13,940 --> 00:16:14,610 No! 471 00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:16,341 No! Robby! 472 00:16:16,843 --> 00:16:18,453 Ah! 473 00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:20,608 (crows cawing) 474 00:16:20,647 --> 00:16:22,877 Huh? What?! 475 00:16:22,915 --> 00:16:24,375 No, you shut up! 476 00:16:24,417 --> 00:16:25,987 You're not the voice in my head. 477 00:16:26,019 --> 00:16:27,519 I'm the voice in my head. 478 00:16:27,554 --> 00:16:28,994 No, I will not share! 479 00:16:29,022 --> 00:16:32,432 Oh, oh. Get it together, Ron. 480 00:16:32,459 --> 00:16:34,259 Glenn said there would be hallucinations. 481 00:16:34,294 --> 00:16:35,934 Ron! Good. You're up. 482 00:16:35,962 --> 00:16:36,932 Okay. Listen. 483 00:16:36,963 --> 00:16:38,273 Everything's totally under control. 484 00:16:38,298 --> 00:16:39,728 Everything's totally okay. 485 00:16:39,766 --> 00:16:41,696 But we're moving. We're moving out. Away from here. 486 00:16:41,734 --> 00:16:43,504 What? We're moving? 487 00:16:43,536 --> 00:16:44,396 Not you. Us. 488 00:16:44,437 --> 00:16:45,467 I checked out Eugene, Oregon. 489 00:16:45,505 --> 00:16:46,935 Nice college town. Decent infrastructure. 490 00:16:46,973 --> 00:16:47,843 Great track team. 491 00:16:47,874 --> 00:16:48,944 Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa. 492 00:16:48,975 --> 00:16:50,105 Wait, wait, wait. Before we get into this, 493 00:16:50,143 --> 00:16:51,283 are you real? 494 00:16:51,311 --> 00:16:53,711 Now, I checked out the bus schedule online, 495 00:16:53,746 --> 00:16:55,416 and there's an 8:30 Friday. 496 00:16:55,448 --> 00:16:56,418 That would take us right... 497 00:16:56,449 --> 00:16:57,249 Gary, stop! Gary, stop! 498 00:16:57,284 --> 00:16:59,054 Just tell me what happened. 499 00:16:59,086 --> 00:17:01,416 Robby turned on my webcam when I wasn't looking, 500 00:17:01,454 --> 00:17:04,094 and my whole class saw me rapping in my underpants. 501 00:17:04,124 --> 00:17:05,764 Ooh. Ooh. 502 00:17:05,792 --> 00:17:07,532 Yeah, exactly. So it's over. 503 00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:08,860 Tucson was nice, 504 00:17:08,895 --> 00:17:09,925 but it's over for me here. 505 00:17:09,962 --> 00:17:11,032 No, no. 506 00:17:11,064 --> 00:17:12,204 You don't have to leave town, Gary. 507 00:17:12,232 --> 00:17:14,672 That's ridiculous. Let me tell you a story. 508 00:17:14,701 --> 00:17:15,601 Sixth grade. 509 00:17:15,635 --> 00:17:17,365 I got stuck halfway up the rope in gym class. 510 00:17:17,404 --> 00:17:18,574 Couldn't move up or down. 511 00:17:18,605 --> 00:17:20,205 Mr. Franz had to come in with a ladder 512 00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:22,380 and carry me down like a big, dumb baby. 513 00:17:22,409 --> 00:17:24,409 For two days, it was all, "Hey, Rhonda. 514 00:17:24,444 --> 00:17:26,614 Hey, crybaby. Hey, dookie-pants." 515 00:17:26,646 --> 00:17:28,276 That last one was from a prior incident. 516 00:17:28,315 --> 00:17:31,315 But, uh, on the third day, the most amazing thing happened. 517 00:17:31,351 --> 00:17:33,321 Steve Shilanski got hit by a bus. 518 00:17:33,353 --> 00:17:34,823 Changed the whole news cycle. 519 00:17:34,854 --> 00:17:36,194 I was off the front page, baby. 520 00:17:36,223 --> 00:17:40,033 So, you're saying we need to stage a bus accident? 521 00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:41,659 No, we could never afford a bus. 522 00:17:41,694 --> 00:17:43,264 You just got to do something that's way bigger 523 00:17:43,296 --> 00:17:45,026 than you in your tighty-whiteys. You dig? 524 00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:46,374 So, who does everybody hate? 525 00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:48,639 Who does everybody want to see fall? 526 00:17:48,668 --> 00:17:49,768 Shuldiner. 527 00:17:49,802 --> 00:17:51,372 Yeah! That's it! 528 00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:53,374 That's totally it! I walk right up to him 529 00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:54,836 and rip that dead animal off his head. 530 00:17:54,874 --> 00:17:56,814 I mean, I'll probably get, like, what? A year's worth 531 00:17:56,843 --> 00:17:59,083 of detention. But I'll totally be the guy who did that. 532 00:17:59,112 --> 00:18:00,582 Okay. Let's go! Drive me to school. 533 00:18:00,613 --> 00:18:01,713 What? Right now? 534 00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:04,078 I'm not exactly on top of my game here, Gary. 535 00:18:04,117 --> 00:18:05,847 Can't one of these guys do it? 536 00:18:06,786 --> 00:18:09,086 You know, you never do anything for me! 537 00:18:09,122 --> 00:18:10,922 You really are the worst dad ever! 538 00:18:10,957 --> 00:18:12,927 Oh, come on. 539 00:18:12,959 --> 00:18:14,059 All right. Okay. All right. 540 00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:15,603 Yes. I'll do it. 541 00:18:15,628 --> 00:18:18,098 Just help me out with my shoes here, Gary. 542 00:18:23,203 --> 00:18:24,573 This is gonna be great. 543 00:18:24,604 --> 00:18:26,314 I'm gonna catch him coming right out of class. 544 00:18:26,339 --> 00:18:29,579 What do you do at a floating stop sign? 545 00:18:29,609 --> 00:18:32,039 Hundreds of kids standing around. 546 00:18:32,078 --> 00:18:33,978 Then I just walk right up to him and say, 547 00:18:34,013 --> 00:18:35,283 "Hi, Mr. Shuldiner. 548 00:18:35,315 --> 00:18:37,515 Feel smart without this?" 549 00:18:37,550 --> 00:18:38,790 Ah, this is gonna be epic. 550 00:18:38,818 --> 00:18:39,918 Yeah. 551 00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:40,992 (screams) 552 00:18:41,020 --> 00:18:43,520 Badger rating, my ass! 553 00:18:43,556 --> 00:18:45,826 I hid behind that cooler you sold me, 554 00:18:45,858 --> 00:18:48,328 and they ripped through it like tissue paper! 555 00:18:48,361 --> 00:18:50,701 I can't help you. It was a sale item. 556 00:18:50,730 --> 00:18:52,600 What the hell are you talking about? 557 00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:54,732 Huh? 558 00:18:54,767 --> 00:18:57,397 RON: What? 559 00:18:59,772 --> 00:19:00,972 (school bell ringing) 560 00:19:01,007 --> 00:19:03,937 Oh. Oh, that's good. 561 00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:05,406 Nice and cool. 562 00:19:10,082 --> 00:19:11,482 Mr. Gunderson. 563 00:19:11,518 --> 00:19:13,148 Even more disappointing 564 00:19:13,186 --> 00:19:16,216 in three dimensions than you are in two. 565 00:19:16,856 --> 00:19:18,756 (laughing) 566 00:19:19,826 --> 00:19:21,586 Hey! 567 00:19:21,628 --> 00:19:23,828 You can't talk to my kid that way, Shuldiner! 568 00:19:23,863 --> 00:19:26,233 Oh, I remember you now. 569 00:19:26,266 --> 00:19:28,266 Dookie-pants. 570 00:19:28,301 --> 00:19:29,871 (badger growling) 571 00:19:29,902 --> 00:19:31,102 It's a badger. 572 00:19:31,137 --> 00:19:32,767 (growling) Huh? 573 00:19:32,805 --> 00:19:34,765 It's a badger! No! 574 00:19:37,277 --> 00:19:39,107 (screaming) 575 00:19:39,145 --> 00:19:41,405 Don't look at me. Do you want detention? 576 00:19:41,448 --> 00:19:42,418 (kids laughing) Eyes down. 577 00:19:42,449 --> 00:19:44,019 Don't you laugh at me. 578 00:19:44,050 --> 00:19:47,520 Don't you look at me! 579 00:19:49,789 --> 00:19:53,229 That's my dad! My dad just did that! 580 00:19:53,260 --> 00:19:54,830 (screaming) 581 00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:58,159 (panting) 582 00:19:58,197 --> 00:19:59,197 A little help here? 583 00:19:59,232 --> 00:20:01,432 Somebody call Animal Control! 584 00:20:06,072 --> 00:20:07,842 (knocking) 585 00:20:09,809 --> 00:20:11,109 I couldn't stop thinking about you. 586 00:20:11,143 --> 00:20:12,553 Me, neither. 587 00:20:15,848 --> 00:20:18,788 Is this a Craisin? 588 00:20:18,818 --> 00:20:20,418 A Craisin? 589 00:20:21,421 --> 00:20:22,491 I am so sorry, Bethany. 590 00:20:22,522 --> 00:20:23,462 I mean, I got better. 591 00:20:23,490 --> 00:20:26,260 I should have told you, I know. But I was... 592 00:20:26,293 --> 00:20:27,763 I was actually afraid that you wouldn't care 593 00:20:27,794 --> 00:20:29,664 for me the same if I was healthy. 594 00:20:29,696 --> 00:20:31,156 Oh, you silly. 595 00:20:31,197 --> 00:20:33,727 Of course I still care for you. 596 00:20:33,766 --> 00:20:35,966 But I think I need to be with someone else right now. 597 00:20:36,002 --> 00:20:36,972 What? Why? 598 00:20:37,003 --> 00:20:39,743 Look, I really need someone who can get me sick. 599 00:20:39,772 --> 00:20:41,512 Please respect that. 600 00:20:41,541 --> 00:20:44,711 I really thought you were the one. 601 00:20:45,945 --> 00:20:48,675 You will always be in my heart, Brandon. 602 00:20:48,715 --> 00:20:51,845 You just won't be the boy who infected me. 603 00:21:04,864 --> 00:21:05,674 Here, Ron. 604 00:21:05,698 --> 00:21:07,128 This will help your fever go down. 605 00:21:07,166 --> 00:21:10,436 Ah. You're great kids. 606 00:21:10,470 --> 00:21:13,210 I knew you guys would come through for me. 607 00:21:13,239 --> 00:21:14,669 It's fresh-squeezed. 608 00:21:14,707 --> 00:21:15,677 Is it? 609 00:21:15,708 --> 00:21:17,008 (slurping) 610 00:21:17,043 --> 00:21:18,213 If you need anything else, 611 00:21:18,244 --> 00:21:19,784 just... 612 00:21:19,812 --> 00:21:20,882 (bird caws) 613 00:21:20,913 --> 00:21:22,383 Oh, you guys are the best. 614 00:21:23,082 --> 00:21:24,382 Wow. 615 00:21:24,417 --> 00:21:26,617 You know, before you guys showed up, 616 00:21:26,653 --> 00:21:29,363 I was actually starting to think I was gonna die out here. 617 00:21:29,389 --> 00:21:31,889 (laughing) 41241

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