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1
00:00:18,686 --> 00:00:20,246
RON:
Thank you, Tucson!
2
00:00:23,457 --> 00:00:24,987
MAN ON INTERCOM:
Pick up the phone
and dial 9.
3
00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:26,055
Go on. Kick it.
4
00:00:26,094 --> 00:00:27,934
It looks a little cheap.
5
00:00:27,961 --> 00:00:31,831
Are you sure this is really
sturdy enough to keep bears out?
6
00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:33,525
Oh, my gosh. Bears.
7
00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:34,597
Bears, bears.
8
00:00:34,635 --> 00:00:36,035
That's all anybody ever
wants to talk about.
9
00:00:36,070 --> 00:00:38,010
These bears. I've
never even seen one.
10
00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:40,868
You know, in actuality,
90% of camp food
11
00:00:40,908 --> 00:00:42,878
is actually taken
by badgers.
12
00:00:42,910 --> 00:00:43,910
90%?
13
00:00:43,944 --> 00:00:46,284
Pretty damn close
to 90%, yeah.
14
00:00:46,314 --> 00:00:48,824
Anyway, this thing here
has got a badger rating
15
00:00:48,849 --> 00:00:50,749
of about, uh... 400?
16
00:00:50,784 --> 00:00:52,524
I think. 450?
17
00:00:52,553 --> 00:00:53,653
Wow.
18
00:00:53,687 --> 00:00:56,887
480. That is as high
as I can legally sell you.
19
00:00:56,924 --> 00:00:58,064
Okay.
20
00:00:58,092 --> 00:00:59,362
Hey, Ronnie!
Hey, Glenn.
21
00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:01,633
I just thought I'd see if you
wanna go get a beer after work.
22
00:01:01,662 --> 00:01:04,432
Why wait? Boom stick.
23
00:01:04,465 --> 00:01:07,165
Terrific.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
24
00:01:07,201 --> 00:01:08,441
You're gonna hurt yourself.
25
00:01:09,337 --> 00:01:11,067
Lift with the legs.
26
00:01:14,041 --> 00:01:15,311
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow down, buddy.
27
00:01:15,343 --> 00:01:16,583
You act like
you're the one
28
00:01:16,610 --> 00:01:18,180
who just left an open
register all by itself.
29
00:01:18,212 --> 00:01:19,882
I just don't know
how much time we have.
30
00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:21,153
Angela still wants a baby,
31
00:01:21,182 --> 00:01:23,582
so if she texts me, I have
32
00:01:23,617 --> 00:01:25,817
16 minutes to get home
and have sex with her.
33
00:01:25,853 --> 00:01:28,323
Oh.
It's just tough to prep
34
00:01:28,356 --> 00:01:29,686
and still keep my hands
at ten and two.
35
00:01:29,723 --> 00:01:31,563
Remind me never to
borrow your car again.
36
00:01:31,592 --> 00:01:35,032
So, how's everything with you,
Mr. Fake Family Man?
37
00:01:35,062 --> 00:01:36,932
You know what?
I'm actually liking the gig.
38
00:01:36,964 --> 00:01:38,874
It's good. I got
a steady paycheck.
39
00:01:38,899 --> 00:01:40,229
Not too much
responsibility.
40
00:01:40,268 --> 00:01:42,068
Not to be cheesy, but
it's not all business.
41
00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:43,742
I feel like we're
becoming a real family.
42
00:01:43,771 --> 00:01:44,941
That's great.
Mm-hmm.
43
00:01:44,972 --> 00:01:45,912
How are the boys?
44
00:01:45,939 --> 00:01:48,139
Not a clue, I haven't
seen 'em in three days.
45
00:01:48,176 --> 00:01:50,336
What? I mean, shouldn't you
check up on them?
46
00:01:50,378 --> 00:01:52,008
My God, they could be dead,
for all you know.
47
00:01:52,045 --> 00:01:53,245
Oh, man.
48
00:01:53,281 --> 00:01:55,251
That would go right on
the news, wouldn't it?
49
00:01:55,283 --> 00:01:56,753
That's a leading story.
50
00:02:06,794 --> 00:02:08,004
Guys?
51
00:02:08,028 --> 00:02:09,798
Anybody home?
52
00:02:09,830 --> 00:02:11,830
It's Ron.
53
00:02:13,734 --> 00:02:15,804
Hey?
54
00:02:15,836 --> 00:02:16,896
I'm in the house.
55
00:02:16,937 --> 00:02:19,967
(electronic whirring)
56
00:02:20,007 --> 00:02:21,737
Hey?
57
00:02:26,347 --> 00:02:28,177
Kind of creeping me out now.
What's going on?
58
00:02:28,216 --> 00:02:29,876
Is everything okay?
59
00:02:33,454 --> 00:02:35,964
This isn't funny, guys.
Come on! Come out!
60
00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:37,889
Gary?
61
00:02:37,925 --> 00:02:40,885
Brandon?
62
00:02:40,928 --> 00:02:42,528
(screaming)
63
00:02:44,698 --> 00:02:45,828
Chicken pox.
64
00:02:45,866 --> 00:02:48,196
Chicken pox?
65
00:02:48,236 --> 00:02:49,436
Oh, no.
66
00:02:49,470 --> 00:02:50,740
I had those
when I was a kid.
67
00:02:50,771 --> 00:02:53,271
You guys are in
for a rough week.
68
00:02:54,408 --> 00:02:56,308
Well, good luck with that.
69
00:02:56,344 --> 00:02:57,854
I wish Mom was here.
70
00:02:57,878 --> 00:02:59,608
She'd take care of us.
71
00:02:59,647 --> 00:03:01,577
You don't even
remember Mom.
72
00:03:01,615 --> 00:03:02,615
Yeah, I do.
73
00:03:02,650 --> 00:03:05,150
She used to sing to us
and play games,
74
00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:06,485
and she could fly.
75
00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:08,220
That was Mary Poppins.
76
00:03:08,256 --> 00:03:11,386
Oh, son of a bitch.
77
00:03:11,425 --> 00:03:13,325
Okay. Everybody into bed.
Come on.
78
00:03:13,361 --> 00:03:14,631
I'm gonna take care
of everything.
79
00:03:14,662 --> 00:03:16,162
Uncle Daddy Ron's going
to make sure everything's...
80
00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:19,026
Oh, my God,
you have one on your eyelid!
81
00:03:19,066 --> 00:03:22,096
BRANDON:
Ron!
82
00:03:22,135 --> 00:03:23,365
Okay.
ROBBY:
Help!
83
00:03:23,404 --> 00:03:25,244
I'm coming.
GARY:
My throat hurts!
84
00:03:25,273 --> 00:03:26,273
Okay. All right.
Ron!
85
00:03:26,307 --> 00:03:27,307
That is for you.
86
00:03:27,341 --> 00:03:28,241
Oh, and, uh, you asked
87
00:03:28,276 --> 00:03:29,306
for the notepad, right?
Thanks.
88
00:03:29,343 --> 00:03:30,283
It itches.
89
00:03:30,311 --> 00:03:31,351
I know. What'd I tell you
90
00:03:31,379 --> 00:03:32,609
about the scratch monster,
Robby?
91
00:03:32,646 --> 00:03:35,916
He eats kids
that scratch too much.
92
00:03:35,949 --> 00:03:36,919
That's right.
93
00:03:36,950 --> 00:03:38,950
And he gobbles them up
slowly and painfully.
94
00:03:38,986 --> 00:03:40,016
Ron!
95
00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:41,763
Calamine lotion!
96
00:03:41,789 --> 00:03:42,989
Okay. I'm on it.
97
00:03:43,023 --> 00:03:44,433
Oh, God.
What?
98
00:03:44,458 --> 00:03:46,328
I think I got some
in my butt crack.
99
00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:48,631
Okay.
100
00:03:48,662 --> 00:03:50,062
Uh, here.
101
00:03:50,097 --> 00:03:51,397
There you go, Tiger.
102
00:03:51,432 --> 00:03:53,472
Just, uh, clench
and release.
103
00:03:53,501 --> 00:03:54,871
It'll work its
way down there.
104
00:03:54,902 --> 00:03:55,942
Okay. What?!
105
00:03:55,969 --> 00:03:57,869
Coming! Clench, clench.
106
00:03:57,905 --> 00:04:00,405
107
00:04:07,981 --> 00:04:09,581
Oh, yeah. Okay.
108
00:04:09,617 --> 00:04:12,517
So, everybody
feeling taken care of, right?
109
00:04:12,553 --> 00:04:13,523
Comfy?
110
00:04:13,554 --> 00:04:14,494
Good.
111
00:04:14,522 --> 00:04:16,422
Okay, so, listen, I know
we didn't exactly
112
00:04:16,457 --> 00:04:17,757
discuss the issue
of hazard pay,
113
00:04:17,791 --> 00:04:19,891
but, uh, I'm assuming there'll
be a little something extra
114
00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:21,557
in my envelope this week.
115
00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:23,025
Great news, guys.
I just talked to the school
116
00:04:23,063 --> 00:04:25,333
and I convinced them to let Ron
go pick up our homework.
117
00:04:25,366 --> 00:04:26,166
Homework?!
118
00:04:26,199 --> 00:04:27,199
Are you crazy?
119
00:04:27,234 --> 00:04:28,344
We could have
gone a whole week
120
00:04:28,369 --> 00:04:29,339
without learning anything!
121
00:04:29,370 --> 00:04:31,310
Are you crazy?
A week?
122
00:04:31,339 --> 00:04:32,769
That's two percent
of the school year.
123
00:04:32,806 --> 00:04:35,176
That puts me off the
valedictorian track.
124
00:04:35,208 --> 00:04:36,478
And the best I could do
from that point
125
00:04:36,510 --> 00:04:38,050
would be salutatorian.
126
00:04:38,078 --> 00:04:40,048
What's salutatorian?
127
00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:41,080
Exactly!
128
00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:43,754
129
00:04:49,222 --> 00:04:50,292
Hey, hey.
130
00:04:50,324 --> 00:04:51,264
Hey, buddy,
can you tell me
131
00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:52,531
where the office is?
132
00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:55,830
I'm a teacher of advanced
social studies, buddy.
133
00:04:55,863 --> 00:04:56,603
Right.
I am not
134
00:04:56,630 --> 00:04:58,500
a "you are here" dot
on a mall map.
135
00:04:58,532 --> 00:05:01,802
If you think that
I have time...
136
00:05:01,835 --> 00:05:02,995
Wait a minute.
137
00:05:04,204 --> 00:05:05,414
You look familiar.
138
00:05:05,439 --> 00:05:06,609
Were you one
of my students?
139
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:09,880
No. I don't think so,
Mr. Shuldi... uh...
140
00:05:09,910 --> 00:05:12,510
You know, I'll find it
on my own. Thank you.
141
00:05:15,849 --> 00:05:18,119
I think it's sexy
to see a single father
142
00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:19,821
so dedicated
to his children.
143
00:05:19,853 --> 00:05:20,893
Mm-hmm.
144
00:05:20,921 --> 00:05:22,661
You just want to
take a man like that
145
00:05:22,690 --> 00:05:25,690
and hold him really tight.
146
00:05:25,726 --> 00:05:27,826
Homework?
147
00:05:28,896 --> 00:05:29,856
It's what I came for.
148
00:05:29,897 --> 00:05:32,067
I'm a single mom,
myself, so...
149
00:05:32,099 --> 00:05:34,099
I know how tough
it can be.
150
00:05:34,134 --> 00:05:36,244
Oh. Oh, man, yeah.
151
00:05:36,269 --> 00:05:38,139
Tell me about it.
I know.
152
00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:39,571
You know,
the term "heroes"
153
00:05:39,607 --> 00:05:42,477
gets thrown around
a lot since 9/11, but, uh,
154
00:05:42,510 --> 00:05:44,180
I think in our case,
it's totally justified.
155
00:05:44,211 --> 00:05:45,651
You could
say that, uh,
156
00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:49,019
single parents are the firemen
of the regular world.
157
00:05:49,049 --> 00:05:50,379
(laughing)
158
00:05:50,418 --> 00:05:51,688
(laughing)
159
00:05:53,954 --> 00:05:55,924
Hi. I'm Kathy.
160
00:05:55,956 --> 00:05:57,286
Hi. Ron.
161
00:05:57,324 --> 00:05:59,194
So, what kind of fire
are you putting out?
162
00:05:59,226 --> 00:06:00,726
Oh, chicken pox.
163
00:06:00,761 --> 00:06:02,361
All three of my guys.
164
00:06:02,396 --> 00:06:03,296
Oh, gosh,
you're so lucky.
165
00:06:03,330 --> 00:06:04,470
What?
166
00:06:04,498 --> 00:06:05,528
My Bethany hasn't
had them yet.
167
00:06:05,566 --> 00:06:08,836
I would love to
get her exposed.
168
00:06:08,869 --> 00:06:09,869
Yeah.
169
00:06:09,903 --> 00:06:11,543
You want them to get it
when they're young, right?
170
00:06:11,572 --> 00:06:13,212
Oh, absolutely. Yeah.
That goes without saying.
171
00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:15,040
Th-That's why I didn't say it.
172
00:06:15,075 --> 00:06:16,905
(laughing)
173
00:06:16,944 --> 00:06:18,754
So, um, look.
174
00:06:18,779 --> 00:06:20,679
I'd love to help you out.
Do-Do you want to maybe
175
00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:22,884
come to my place
tomorrow night?
176
00:06:22,916 --> 00:06:24,146
Sounds good.
177
00:06:24,184 --> 00:06:25,154
Okay.
178
00:06:25,185 --> 00:06:26,115
Yeah. I'll bring
Bethany by.
179
00:06:26,153 --> 00:06:28,363
Bethany? Ooh.
180
00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:29,188
My daughter.
181
00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:30,222
Your daughter.
182
00:06:30,257 --> 00:06:32,257
Yeah, you did say
that you have a daughter. Right.
183
00:06:32,292 --> 00:06:33,492
Yeah, bring her by.
184
00:06:33,527 --> 00:06:36,657
And we'll, uh,
we'll call it a date.
185
00:06:36,697 --> 00:06:37,467
Okay.
186
00:06:37,498 --> 00:06:38,968
All right. Okay.
187
00:06:38,999 --> 00:06:40,829
Uh, weren't you here
for your kids' homework?
188
00:06:40,868 --> 00:06:41,898
Yep.
189
00:06:44,472 --> 00:06:45,642
Okay, there you go.
190
00:06:45,673 --> 00:06:46,743
Not just for
breakfast, huh?
191
00:06:46,774 --> 00:06:48,014
Does that
feel better?
192
00:06:48,041 --> 00:06:49,811
Eh...
Eh?
193
00:06:49,843 --> 00:06:51,983
I can't believe you
got their homework
194
00:06:52,012 --> 00:06:53,452
and you forgot mine!
195
00:06:53,481 --> 00:06:55,281
Shut up, Gary!
I didn't even want my homework.
196
00:06:55,315 --> 00:06:56,375
Yeah.
197
00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:58,486
And you make
terrible oatmeal!
198
00:06:58,519 --> 00:06:59,749
You're eating it?
199
00:06:59,787 --> 00:07:01,587
That's disgusting. How
can you let him eat it?
200
00:07:01,622 --> 00:07:02,722
What's the matter with you?!
201
00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:03,786
I...
BRANDON:
Ron?
202
00:07:03,824 --> 00:07:04,534
Yeah?
203
00:07:04,558 --> 00:07:05,458
I think I'm
gonna barf.
204
00:07:05,493 --> 00:07:06,593
Okay. I'm on it!
205
00:07:06,627 --> 00:07:07,927
And I want bananas
for my oatmeal.
206
00:07:07,961 --> 00:07:09,301
Okay. I'm on it.
207
00:07:09,329 --> 00:07:11,899
And that calamine lotion
never made it to my butt crack.
208
00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:13,732
You might be on your own
with that one.
209
00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:15,037
You know,
I should have known better
210
00:07:15,068 --> 00:07:16,338
than to count on you.
211
00:07:16,369 --> 00:07:17,769
You're the worst dad ever!
212
00:07:17,805 --> 00:07:21,165
BRANDON:
Oh, oh, no.
It came out the other end.
213
00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:27,311
214
00:07:27,347 --> 00:07:29,477
Okay, can you hear me,
Mr. Shuldiner?
215
00:07:29,517 --> 00:07:31,947
Yes, Mr. Gunderson,
we can all hear you.
216
00:07:31,985 --> 00:07:33,985
Is everything
to your liking?
217
00:07:34,021 --> 00:07:36,361
Actually, could you
tilt left a bit?
218
00:07:36,389 --> 00:07:38,129
(sighs)
219
00:07:38,158 --> 00:07:39,528
Just a skosh more.
220
00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:42,160
Ah, too much...
221
00:07:42,195 --> 00:07:44,425
Back, back, back.
222
00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:46,574
Back, back. And walk away.
223
00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:49,540
You're quite sure
there's nothing else you need?
224
00:07:49,570 --> 00:07:51,510
I'm golden.
It's all you now.
225
00:07:51,539 --> 00:07:53,039
Hey, brainiac. You're
doing my homework
226
00:07:53,073 --> 00:07:54,943
since you're the one
who asked for it.
227
00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:55,635
Shh!
228
00:07:55,676 --> 00:07:57,546
I'm on video chat
with school.
229
00:07:57,578 --> 00:08:00,248
Let's see. "What's
missing in this picture?"
230
00:08:02,049 --> 00:08:03,649
There's nothing
missing in this pic--
231
00:08:03,684 --> 00:08:07,594
Oh, wait.
It's the arms.
232
00:08:07,621 --> 00:08:08,891
Gets me every time.
233
00:08:08,922 --> 00:08:11,592
Get out, knob.
234
00:08:13,460 --> 00:08:14,730
Hey.
235
00:08:14,762 --> 00:08:16,662
Oh, hey, Brandon.
236
00:08:16,697 --> 00:08:18,927
Oh, my God. Look at me, man.
I'm sweating like a pig.
237
00:08:18,966 --> 00:08:20,426
I'm not usually this
nervous for a date.
238
00:08:20,467 --> 00:08:21,597
Date?
239
00:08:21,635 --> 00:08:23,735
Or dizzy. What is going on?
240
00:08:23,771 --> 00:08:26,471
Okay. Suck it up, Snuff.
No choking on game day.
241
00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:27,906
This is what we
practice for.
242
00:08:27,941 --> 00:08:28,581
What date?
243
00:08:28,609 --> 00:08:30,309
Oh, that feels good.
244
00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:31,413
I was just about
245
00:08:31,444 --> 00:08:32,654
to tell you,
I planned a little
246
00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:34,080
mother-father,
son-and-daughter
247
00:08:34,114 --> 00:08:35,554
double date for tonight.
248
00:08:35,583 --> 00:08:36,623
Wow, that is creepy.
249
00:08:36,650 --> 00:08:37,820
There's nothing
creepy about it.
250
00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:39,891
She just wants you
to infect her daughter.
251
00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:41,450
I can't see anyone
like this, Ron.
252
00:08:41,488 --> 00:08:42,388
I'm covered in sores.
253
00:08:42,422 --> 00:08:43,922
You don't get it, man.
254
00:08:43,957 --> 00:08:45,387
She's into that kind of thing.
255
00:08:45,425 --> 00:08:46,485
That's why she's coming over.
256
00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:48,026
She wants you to get her sick.
257
00:08:48,061 --> 00:08:49,231
(doorbell rings)
258
00:08:49,262 --> 00:08:51,532
Oh, my God. I feel
like I'm going to barf.
259
00:08:51,565 --> 00:08:52,665
You know what's
going on here?
260
00:08:52,700 --> 00:08:54,330
I must have real feelings
for this chick.
261
00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:57,767
(loudly):
Uh, so I'll be by your bedside
all night, kids,
262
00:08:57,805 --> 00:08:59,605
in case your temperatures
spike again, all right?
263
00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:01,270
Hey, sorry.
264
00:09:01,308 --> 00:09:03,238
Kids. You know.
They keep you running around,
265
00:09:03,276 --> 00:09:04,646
especially when you're
doing it on your own.
266
00:09:04,678 --> 00:09:05,978
(chuckles)
267
00:09:06,013 --> 00:09:07,483
Anyway, it's good
to see you again. Come on in.
268
00:09:07,514 --> 00:09:09,084
Hi. This is Bethany.
269
00:09:09,116 --> 00:09:10,916
Hi, Bethany.
270
00:09:10,951 --> 00:09:13,551
That is a nice little jacket
thing you got on there.
271
00:09:13,587 --> 00:09:14,787
So, uh, what
are you into?
272
00:09:14,822 --> 00:09:16,892
You like, uh, bracelets?
273
00:09:16,924 --> 00:09:19,094
Hannah Montana? Unicorns?
274
00:09:19,126 --> 00:09:22,026
It worked. I'm sick.
Can we go now?
275
00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:24,262
You're not going
anywhere, young lady.
276
00:09:24,297 --> 00:09:25,567
Bethany hates
my guts today.
277
00:09:25,599 --> 00:09:27,399
Ah, she'll love
your guts tomorrow, right?
278
00:09:27,434 --> 00:09:28,444
That's tweens for you.
279
00:09:28,468 --> 00:09:29,638
Tweens raised
280
00:09:29,670 --> 00:09:30,900
by single parents.
281
00:09:30,938 --> 00:09:32,438
Hey.
282
00:09:32,472 --> 00:09:33,542
Oh.
283
00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:35,143
Hi.
284
00:09:35,175 --> 00:09:36,435
Hey.
285
00:09:36,476 --> 00:09:38,846
Hey, look at this.
286
00:09:38,879 --> 00:09:40,909
This is what
I'm talking about, yeah.
287
00:09:40,948 --> 00:09:42,578
Looks at these two.
Dad.
288
00:09:42,616 --> 00:09:43,676
Sparks are flying.
(imitates buzzing)
289
00:09:43,717 --> 00:09:45,387
Well, let's let them
rock their thang.
290
00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:47,218
Oh, my God, Mom.
291
00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:49,094
Yeah!
(Kathy laughing)
292
00:09:49,122 --> 00:09:50,092
Uh...
293
00:09:50,123 --> 00:09:51,523
so why don't we let
them get acquainted?
294
00:09:51,558 --> 00:09:52,558
And you and I go have
295
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:54,362
a little pot roast and
champagne. Sound good?
296
00:09:54,394 --> 00:09:54,934
Yeah.
Okay.
297
00:09:56,864 --> 00:09:58,634
(Ron whistles, Kathy laughs)
298
00:09:58,666 --> 00:10:00,826
Get out of here.
You did not meet the bear
299
00:10:00,868 --> 00:10:02,038
that Yogi Bear was based on.
300
00:10:02,069 --> 00:10:03,969
Well, I'm just telling
you what he told me.
301
00:10:04,004 --> 00:10:06,674
I'm not saying
it's the truth.
302
00:10:06,707 --> 00:10:08,237
You're funny and you cook.
303
00:10:08,275 --> 00:10:09,205
Mm-hmm.
304
00:10:09,242 --> 00:10:11,782
You know, I only saw my ex
in the kitchen once.
305
00:10:11,812 --> 00:10:13,812
Licking whipped cream
off the babysitter.
306
00:10:13,847 --> 00:10:15,477
Oh, my God. Exes.
307
00:10:15,515 --> 00:10:16,845
Don't get me started.
308
00:10:16,884 --> 00:10:18,824
But you soldier on
'cause that's what's best
309
00:10:18,852 --> 00:10:19,922
for the kiddies, right?
310
00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:22,593
Oh, my God. Is
it hot in here?
311
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:25,262
It is a little warm.
312
00:10:25,292 --> 00:10:27,392
Oh.
313
00:10:27,427 --> 00:10:28,657
Now I'm cold.
314
00:10:28,696 --> 00:10:31,326
Is it freezing?
315
00:10:35,268 --> 00:10:37,298
So...
316
00:10:37,337 --> 00:10:39,967
I guess you're supposed
to get me sick.
317
00:10:40,007 --> 00:10:43,637
Well, you don't have to do
anything that you don't want to.
318
00:10:43,677 --> 00:10:46,047
We could
just hang out and, uh...
319
00:10:46,079 --> 00:10:48,449
and talk.
320
00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:50,851
Oh, I'd like that.
321
00:10:51,952 --> 00:10:54,152
You know, I've never
done this before.
322
00:10:54,187 --> 00:10:56,457
Yeah, well,
when you're ready,
323
00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:59,029
I'll give it to you.
324
00:10:59,059 --> 00:11:00,989
Thanks.
325
00:11:02,062 --> 00:11:04,732
GARY (on computer):
Excuse me?
326
00:11:04,765 --> 00:11:06,225
Excuse me?
327
00:11:06,266 --> 00:11:07,566
Hi. Uh...
328
00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:09,570
Can you tell me what it says
329
00:11:09,602 --> 00:11:11,302
under
"The Treaty of Versailles"?
330
00:11:13,140 --> 00:11:14,810
It says the Treaty of Versailles
331
00:11:14,842 --> 00:11:17,282
was June 27, 1919.
332
00:11:17,310 --> 00:11:19,350
Commonly accepted
as the main impetus
333
00:11:19,379 --> 00:11:20,979
for World War II.
334
00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:22,824
Thanks.
335
00:11:22,850 --> 00:11:24,720
Commonly accepted, my ass.
336
00:11:24,752 --> 00:11:26,352
You need to go back
to the Franco-Prussian War
337
00:11:26,386 --> 00:11:28,116
to make any sense
of what happened in '36.
338
00:11:28,155 --> 00:11:31,355
But the Franco-Prussian War,
it has nothing to do with it.
339
00:11:31,391 --> 00:11:33,161
Uh, yeah. You think that
340
00:11:33,193 --> 00:11:34,463
because you've been
sucking down that swill
341
00:11:34,494 --> 00:11:37,804
McGraw-Hill's been slinging
for the past 50 years.
342
00:11:38,665 --> 00:11:41,625
That needs to say,
343
00:11:41,668 --> 00:11:44,038
"June 28."
344
00:11:47,574 --> 00:11:50,244
You know,
I envy women. I do.
345
00:11:50,277 --> 00:11:52,007
There's just no way
a man can ever share
346
00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:53,375
that intimate bond
that a woman has
347
00:11:53,413 --> 00:11:54,453
with a child. You know?
348
00:11:54,481 --> 00:11:57,621
I mean, you get to have them
all the way inside you.
349
00:11:57,650 --> 00:11:59,390
The best I can ever
hope for is a hug.
350
00:11:59,419 --> 00:12:01,019
That's not fair.
351
00:12:01,054 --> 00:12:03,164
Dad?
Not now. Busy.
352
00:12:03,190 --> 00:12:05,390
Call school and tell them
I'm not doing this.
353
00:12:05,425 --> 00:12:06,485
Whoa, whoa.
354
00:12:06,526 --> 00:12:09,626
So I don't solve the maze.
The mouse starves. Big deal.
355
00:12:09,662 --> 00:12:11,702
Ah, big deal?
Oh, they get so cranky
356
00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:13,331
when they're sick,
don't they?
357
00:12:13,366 --> 00:12:14,426
Just breaks my heart.
358
00:12:14,467 --> 00:12:16,697
Hey, Ron. Grab a quick beer.
Got some down time.
359
00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:17,836
Angela's on her back
360
00:12:17,871 --> 00:12:19,711
with her legs
up on the wall. Oh.
361
00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:21,109
You are
entertaining.
362
00:12:21,141 --> 00:12:22,541
Mm-hmm. Glenn, this is Kathy.
363
00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:24,805
Kathy, Glenn. I was just
telling her how much it hurts me
364
00:12:24,845 --> 00:12:26,075
when my kids are sick.
365
00:12:26,113 --> 00:12:26,853
Aw.
366
00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:28,580
Mmm, I wish I could just
367
00:12:28,615 --> 00:12:29,815
take all that sickness
368
00:12:29,850 --> 00:12:30,980
and put it all
inside of me.
369
00:12:31,018 --> 00:12:32,448
Do all the suffering
for them.
370
00:12:32,485 --> 00:12:33,915
My little munchkin.
371
00:12:33,954 --> 00:12:36,164
What do they have?
Chicken pox.
372
00:12:36,189 --> 00:12:38,189
(gasps)
Are you insane?
373
00:12:38,225 --> 00:12:39,925
You can't be
around chicken pox!
374
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:42,230
It's 100 times worse
if you get it as an adult.
375
00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:43,962
I mean, there's hallucinations
and blisters
376
00:12:43,997 --> 00:12:45,427
and it's unbearable.
377
00:12:45,465 --> 00:12:47,265
Yeah, I know. I'm fine,
Glenn. I got it from you
378
00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:49,000
in the second grade. Remember?
That was measles.
379
00:12:49,036 --> 00:12:51,596
That was what?
Oh, God!
380
00:12:51,638 --> 00:12:52,868
Get off of me!
381
00:12:52,906 --> 00:12:53,866
Oh, no! No pox!
382
00:12:53,907 --> 00:12:55,137
I'm okay.
383
00:12:55,175 --> 00:12:58,645
Please, no pox.
Oh, God! Pox!
384
00:12:58,678 --> 00:12:59,778
Oh, you got me sick,
385
00:12:59,813 --> 00:13:01,513
you slimy, little germ machines.
386
00:13:01,548 --> 00:13:02,718
You happy?
387
00:13:02,749 --> 00:13:04,849
(sobbing)
388
00:13:05,819 --> 00:13:07,119
Oh, no chance
389
00:13:07,154 --> 00:13:09,624
this is ever going to be one of
those crazy first date stories
390
00:13:09,656 --> 00:13:11,286
we laugh about later, is it?
391
00:13:12,025 --> 00:13:13,425
Pot roast was good,
though, right?
392
00:13:15,863 --> 00:13:19,503
393
00:13:21,768 --> 00:13:22,768
(crowing)
394
00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:24,102
Yes, I really am sick,
395
00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:25,267
boss.
396
00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:26,665
(sniffling)
397
00:13:26,706 --> 00:13:28,376
Go ahead. Check the calendar.
398
00:13:28,408 --> 00:13:31,208
It's not Mardi Gras.
It's not opening day.
399
00:13:31,244 --> 00:13:34,054
There's no
Monster Truck-apalooza.
400
00:13:34,081 --> 00:13:37,551
You're kidding me. The Tucson
Celtic Music Festival?
401
00:13:37,584 --> 00:13:40,294
Damn it! I was going
to call in sick for that.
402
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,920
Hey, butt-pole. Which
one of these old ladies
403
00:13:42,956 --> 00:13:43,986
was our first president?
404
00:13:44,024 --> 00:13:46,694
Look it up, ass pimple.
405
00:13:46,726 --> 00:13:47,786
All the facts are
right there, people.
406
00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:48,957
I expect you
to know this.
407
00:13:48,996 --> 00:13:49,826
Okay. I'm back now.
408
00:13:49,863 --> 00:13:50,963
Sorry you had to hear that.
409
00:13:50,998 --> 00:13:52,198
Anyway, my point is
410
00:13:52,232 --> 00:13:54,802
that many historians are now
saying that World War II
411
00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,904
was the culmination
of family conflicts
412
00:13:56,937 --> 00:13:58,807
dating back to the
Franco-Prussian War.
413
00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:00,438
Vic the Janitor
was explaining it to me.
414
00:14:00,473 --> 00:14:02,043
You're telling me
that Vic the Janitor
415
00:14:02,075 --> 00:14:03,935
knows more about the origins
of World War II than I do?
416
00:14:03,977 --> 00:14:04,947
Well, yeah.
417
00:14:04,978 --> 00:14:06,478
He made a lot of sense and...
418
00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:07,713
Enough.
419
00:14:07,747 --> 00:14:09,917
I'm in charge
of molding young minds.
420
00:14:09,950 --> 00:14:11,420
He's in charge of dirt.
421
00:14:11,451 --> 00:14:14,921
Vic the Janitor
can take his hundreds of keys
422
00:14:14,955 --> 00:14:16,985
and jangle them all he wants.
423
00:14:17,024 --> 00:14:18,634
He will not get my attention.
424
00:14:18,658 --> 00:14:20,158
Gary, I think it's time
425
00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:22,103
for one of those rest breaks
we talked about.
426
00:14:22,129 --> 00:14:23,659
I don't need a rest.
427
00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:24,896
But I do.
428
00:14:24,932 --> 00:14:26,932
Okay. Fine. Whatever.
429
00:14:26,967 --> 00:14:28,967
Gunderson out.
430
00:14:35,308 --> 00:14:37,408
(gasps)
431
00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:42,379
(straining)
432
00:14:42,415 --> 00:14:44,615
(slurping)
433
00:14:46,987 --> 00:14:49,057
Hey, man,
you got a sec?
434
00:14:49,089 --> 00:14:50,859
Help.
I do need help.
435
00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:52,130
It's about
Bethany.
436
00:14:52,159 --> 00:14:53,129
I think she's the one, Ron.
437
00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:54,390
But how do I know?
438
00:14:54,427 --> 00:14:55,597
Throat closing.
439
00:14:55,628 --> 00:14:57,658
Yeah. That is exactly
what it feels like.
440
00:14:57,697 --> 00:14:59,127
Please.
441
00:14:59,166 --> 00:15:00,996
No, no. I know what
you're saying. We're young.
442
00:15:01,034 --> 00:15:03,304
But maybe we'll be one of those
couples who met in middle school
443
00:15:03,336 --> 00:15:04,496
and just stayed
together forever.
444
00:15:04,537 --> 00:15:06,567
I mean, sure, we'll wonder,
when we're 30 or 40,
445
00:15:06,606 --> 00:15:08,206
if we should have
played the field more,
446
00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:09,441
but you can't look back.
447
00:15:09,476 --> 00:15:12,206
So sure, maybe one time,
or two times,
448
00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:14,105
I made a stupid mistake
with my secretary,
449
00:15:14,147 --> 00:15:15,217
but it meant nothing!
450
00:15:15,248 --> 00:15:17,648
Oh, don't look
so surprised, Bethany.
451
00:15:17,684 --> 00:15:19,954
You knew damn well who I was
when you married me!
452
00:15:19,987 --> 00:15:21,017
Need water!
453
00:15:21,054 --> 00:15:22,064
No thanks, I'm good.
454
00:15:22,089 --> 00:15:23,759
Well, thanks, man.
455
00:15:23,790 --> 00:15:25,330
I gotta run, but good talk.
456
00:15:25,358 --> 00:15:26,758
Help! Brandon!
457
00:15:26,793 --> 00:15:29,863
I am drinking carpet water.
458
00:15:29,896 --> 00:15:33,996
459
00:15:36,069 --> 00:15:37,669
(Gary singing along)
460
00:15:47,714 --> 00:15:49,684
461
00:15:57,824 --> 00:16:00,034
(beatboxing)
462
00:16:00,527 --> 00:16:01,327
(laughs)
463
00:16:01,361 --> 00:16:03,201
You enjoying yourself, craphead?
464
00:16:03,230 --> 00:16:05,230
Not as much as your class is.
465
00:16:05,265 --> 00:16:06,065
What?
466
00:16:06,099 --> 00:16:07,969
(class laughing)
467
00:16:08,001 --> 00:16:09,301
Shouldn't we
turn this off?
468
00:16:09,336 --> 00:16:10,996
No.
469
00:16:11,038 --> 00:16:13,908
Robby, what did you do?
470
00:16:13,940 --> 00:16:14,610
No!
471
00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:16,341
No! Robby!
472
00:16:16,843 --> 00:16:18,453
Ah!
473
00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:20,608
(crows cawing)
474
00:16:20,647 --> 00:16:22,877
Huh? What?!
475
00:16:22,915 --> 00:16:24,375
No, you shut up!
476
00:16:24,417 --> 00:16:25,987
You're not the voice in my head.
477
00:16:26,019 --> 00:16:27,519
I'm the voice in my head.
478
00:16:27,554 --> 00:16:28,994
No, I will not share!
479
00:16:29,022 --> 00:16:32,432
Oh, oh. Get it together, Ron.
480
00:16:32,459 --> 00:16:34,259
Glenn said there
would be hallucinations.
481
00:16:34,294 --> 00:16:35,934
Ron! Good. You're up.
482
00:16:35,962 --> 00:16:36,932
Okay. Listen.
483
00:16:36,963 --> 00:16:38,273
Everything's totally
under control.
484
00:16:38,298 --> 00:16:39,728
Everything's
totally okay.
485
00:16:39,766 --> 00:16:41,696
But we're moving. We're
moving out. Away from here.
486
00:16:41,734 --> 00:16:43,504
What? We're moving?
487
00:16:43,536 --> 00:16:44,396
Not you. Us.
488
00:16:44,437 --> 00:16:45,467
I checked out Eugene, Oregon.
489
00:16:45,505 --> 00:16:46,935
Nice college town.
Decent infrastructure.
490
00:16:46,973 --> 00:16:47,843
Great track team.
491
00:16:47,874 --> 00:16:48,944
Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
492
00:16:48,975 --> 00:16:50,105
Wait, wait, wait.
Before we get into this,
493
00:16:50,143 --> 00:16:51,283
are you real?
494
00:16:51,311 --> 00:16:53,711
Now, I checked out
the bus schedule online,
495
00:16:53,746 --> 00:16:55,416
and there's an 8:30 Friday.
496
00:16:55,448 --> 00:16:56,418
That would
take us right...
497
00:16:56,449 --> 00:16:57,249
Gary, stop!
Gary, stop!
498
00:16:57,284 --> 00:16:59,054
Just tell me what happened.
499
00:16:59,086 --> 00:17:01,416
Robby turned on my webcam
when I wasn't looking,
500
00:17:01,454 --> 00:17:04,094
and my whole class saw me
rapping in my underpants.
501
00:17:04,124 --> 00:17:05,764
Ooh. Ooh.
502
00:17:05,792 --> 00:17:07,532
Yeah, exactly. So it's over.
503
00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:08,860
Tucson was nice,
504
00:17:08,895 --> 00:17:09,925
but it's over for me here.
505
00:17:09,962 --> 00:17:11,032
No, no.
506
00:17:11,064 --> 00:17:12,204
You don't have
to leave town, Gary.
507
00:17:12,232 --> 00:17:14,672
That's ridiculous.
Let me tell you a story.
508
00:17:14,701 --> 00:17:15,601
Sixth grade.
509
00:17:15,635 --> 00:17:17,365
I got stuck halfway up
the rope in gym class.
510
00:17:17,404 --> 00:17:18,574
Couldn't move up or down.
511
00:17:18,605 --> 00:17:20,205
Mr. Franz had to
come in with a ladder
512
00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:22,380
and carry me down
like a big, dumb baby.
513
00:17:22,409 --> 00:17:24,409
For two days, it was
all, "Hey, Rhonda.
514
00:17:24,444 --> 00:17:26,614
Hey, crybaby.
Hey, dookie-pants."
515
00:17:26,646 --> 00:17:28,276
That last one was
from a prior incident.
516
00:17:28,315 --> 00:17:31,315
But, uh, on the third day,
the most amazing thing happened.
517
00:17:31,351 --> 00:17:33,321
Steve Shilanski
got hit by a bus.
518
00:17:33,353 --> 00:17:34,823
Changed the whole news cycle.
519
00:17:34,854 --> 00:17:36,194
I was off the front page, baby.
520
00:17:36,223 --> 00:17:40,033
So, you're saying we need
to stage a bus accident?
521
00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:41,659
No, we could never
afford a bus.
522
00:17:41,694 --> 00:17:43,264
You just got to do something
that's way bigger
523
00:17:43,296 --> 00:17:45,026
than you in your
tighty-whiteys. You dig?
524
00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:46,374
So, who does everybody hate?
525
00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:48,639
Who does everybody want
to see fall?
526
00:17:48,668 --> 00:17:49,768
Shuldiner.
527
00:17:49,802 --> 00:17:51,372
Yeah!
That's it!
528
00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:53,374
That's totally it!
I walk right up to him
529
00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:54,836
and rip that dead animal
off his head.
530
00:17:54,874 --> 00:17:56,814
I mean, I'll probably get,
like, what? A year's worth
531
00:17:56,843 --> 00:17:59,083
of detention. But I'll totally
be the guy who did that.
532
00:17:59,112 --> 00:18:00,582
Okay. Let's go!
Drive me to school.
533
00:18:00,613 --> 00:18:01,713
What? Right now?
534
00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:04,078
I'm not exactly on top
of my game here, Gary.
535
00:18:04,117 --> 00:18:05,847
Can't one of these guys do it?
536
00:18:06,786 --> 00:18:09,086
You know, you never
do anything for me!
537
00:18:09,122 --> 00:18:10,922
You really are
the worst dad ever!
538
00:18:10,957 --> 00:18:12,927
Oh, come on.
539
00:18:12,959 --> 00:18:14,059
All right. Okay. All right.
540
00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:15,603
Yes.
I'll do it.
541
00:18:15,628 --> 00:18:18,098
Just help me out
with my shoes here, Gary.
542
00:18:23,203 --> 00:18:24,573
This is gonna be great.
543
00:18:24,604 --> 00:18:26,314
I'm gonna catch him
coming right out of class.
544
00:18:26,339 --> 00:18:29,579
What do you do at a
floating stop sign?
545
00:18:29,609 --> 00:18:32,039
Hundreds of kids
standing around.
546
00:18:32,078 --> 00:18:33,978
Then I just walk
right up to him and say,
547
00:18:34,013 --> 00:18:35,283
"Hi, Mr. Shuldiner.
548
00:18:35,315 --> 00:18:37,515
Feel smart
without this?"
549
00:18:37,550 --> 00:18:38,790
Ah, this
is gonna be epic.
550
00:18:38,818 --> 00:18:39,918
Yeah.
551
00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:40,992
(screams)
552
00:18:41,020 --> 00:18:43,520
Badger rating, my ass!
553
00:18:43,556 --> 00:18:45,826
I hid behind that
cooler you sold me,
554
00:18:45,858 --> 00:18:48,328
and they ripped through
it like tissue paper!
555
00:18:48,361 --> 00:18:50,701
I can't help you.
It was a sale item.
556
00:18:50,730 --> 00:18:52,600
What the hell
are you talking about?
557
00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:54,732
Huh?
558
00:18:54,767 --> 00:18:57,397
RON:
What?
559
00:18:59,772 --> 00:19:00,972
(school bell ringing)
560
00:19:01,007 --> 00:19:03,937
Oh. Oh, that's good.
561
00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:05,406
Nice and cool.
562
00:19:10,082 --> 00:19:11,482
Mr. Gunderson.
563
00:19:11,518 --> 00:19:13,148
Even more
disappointing
564
00:19:13,186 --> 00:19:16,216
in three dimensions
than you are in two.
565
00:19:16,856 --> 00:19:18,756
(laughing)
566
00:19:19,826 --> 00:19:21,586
Hey!
567
00:19:21,628 --> 00:19:23,828
You can't talk to my kid
that way, Shuldiner!
568
00:19:23,863 --> 00:19:26,233
Oh, I remember you now.
569
00:19:26,266 --> 00:19:28,266
Dookie-pants.
570
00:19:28,301 --> 00:19:29,871
(badger growling)
571
00:19:29,902 --> 00:19:31,102
It's a badger.
572
00:19:31,137 --> 00:19:32,767
(growling)
Huh?
573
00:19:32,805 --> 00:19:34,765
It's a badger!
No!
574
00:19:37,277 --> 00:19:39,107
(screaming)
575
00:19:39,145 --> 00:19:41,405
Don't look at me.
Do you want detention?
576
00:19:41,448 --> 00:19:42,418
(kids laughing)
Eyes down.
577
00:19:42,449 --> 00:19:44,019
Don't you laugh at me.
578
00:19:44,050 --> 00:19:47,520
Don't you look at me!
579
00:19:49,789 --> 00:19:53,229
That's my dad!
My dad just did that!
580
00:19:53,260 --> 00:19:54,830
(screaming)
581
00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:58,159
(panting)
582
00:19:58,197 --> 00:19:59,197
A little help here?
583
00:19:59,232 --> 00:20:01,432
Somebody call Animal Control!
584
00:20:06,072 --> 00:20:07,842
(knocking)
585
00:20:09,809 --> 00:20:11,109
I couldn't stop
thinking about you.
586
00:20:11,143 --> 00:20:12,553
Me, neither.
587
00:20:15,848 --> 00:20:18,788
Is this a Craisin?
588
00:20:18,818 --> 00:20:20,418
A Craisin?
589
00:20:21,421 --> 00:20:22,491
I am so sorry, Bethany.
590
00:20:22,522 --> 00:20:23,462
I mean, I got better.
591
00:20:23,490 --> 00:20:26,260
I should have told you,
I know. But I was...
592
00:20:26,293 --> 00:20:27,763
I was actually afraid
that you wouldn't care
593
00:20:27,794 --> 00:20:29,664
for me the same
if I was healthy.
594
00:20:29,696 --> 00:20:31,156
Oh, you silly.
595
00:20:31,197 --> 00:20:33,727
Of course
I still care for you.
596
00:20:33,766 --> 00:20:35,966
But I think I need to be
with someone else right now.
597
00:20:36,002 --> 00:20:36,972
What? Why?
598
00:20:37,003 --> 00:20:39,743
Look, I really need someone
who can get me sick.
599
00:20:39,772 --> 00:20:41,512
Please respect that.
600
00:20:41,541 --> 00:20:44,711
I really thought
you were the one.
601
00:20:45,945 --> 00:20:48,675
You will always be
in my heart, Brandon.
602
00:20:48,715 --> 00:20:51,845
You just won't be
the boy who infected me.
603
00:21:04,864 --> 00:21:05,674
Here, Ron.
604
00:21:05,698 --> 00:21:07,128
This will help
your fever go down.
605
00:21:07,166 --> 00:21:10,436
Ah. You're great kids.
606
00:21:10,470 --> 00:21:13,210
I knew you guys
would come through for me.
607
00:21:13,239 --> 00:21:14,669
It's fresh-squeezed.
608
00:21:14,707 --> 00:21:15,677
Is it?
609
00:21:15,708 --> 00:21:17,008
(slurping)
610
00:21:17,043 --> 00:21:18,213
If you need anything else,
611
00:21:18,244 --> 00:21:19,784
just...
612
00:21:19,812 --> 00:21:20,882
(bird caws)
613
00:21:20,913 --> 00:21:22,383
Oh, you guys are the best.
614
00:21:23,082 --> 00:21:24,382
Wow.
615
00:21:24,417 --> 00:21:26,617
You know,
before you guys showed up,
616
00:21:26,653 --> 00:21:29,363
I was actually starting to think
I was gonna die out here.
617
00:21:29,389 --> 00:21:31,889
(laughing)
41241
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