Original subtitles

RON: Thank you, Tucson!

MAN ON INTERCOM: Pick up the phone and dial 9.

Go on. Kick it.

It looks a little cheap.

Are you sure this is really sturdy enough to keep bears out?

Oh, my gosh. Bears.

Bears, bears.

That's all anybody ever wants to talk about.

These bears. I've never even seen one.

You know, in actuality, 90% of camp food

is actually taken by badgers.

90%?

Pretty damn close to 90%, yeah.

Anyway, this thing here has got a badger rating

of about, uh... 400?

I think. 450?

Wow.

480. That is as high as I can legally sell you.

Okay.

Hey, Ronnie! Hey, Glenn.

I just thought I'd see if you wanna go get a beer after work.

Why wait? Boom stick.

Terrific. Oh, wait, wait, wait.

You're gonna hurt yourself.

Lift with the legs.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down, buddy.

You act like you're the one

who just left an open register all by itself.

I just don't know how much time we have.

Angela still wants a baby,

so if she texts me, I have

16 minutes to get home and have sex with her.

Oh. It's just tough to prep

and still keep my hands at ten and two.

Remind me never to borrow your car again.

So, how's everything with you, Mr. Fake Family Man?

You know what? I'm actually liking the gig.

It's good. I got a steady paycheck.

Not too much responsibility.

Not to be cheesy, but it's not all business.

I feel like we're becoming a real family.

That's great. Mm-hmm.

How are the boys?

Not a clue, I haven't seen 'em in three days.

What? I mean, shouldn't you check up on them?

My God, they could be dead, for all you know.

Oh, man.

That would go right on the news, wouldn't it?

That's a leading story.

Guys?

Anybody home?

It's Ron.

Hey?

I'm in the house.

(electronic whirring)

Hey?

Kind of creeping me out now. What's going on?

Is everything okay?

This isn't funny, guys. Come on! Come out!

Gary?

Brandon?

(screaming)

Chicken pox.

Chicken pox?

Oh, no.

I had those when I was a kid.

You guys are in for a rough week.

Well, good luck with that.

I wish Mom was here.

She'd take care of us.

You don't even remember Mom.

Yeah, I do.

She used to sing to us and play games,

and she could fly.

That was Mary Poppins.

Oh, son of a bitch.

Okay. Everybody into bed. Come on.

I'm gonna take care of everything.

Uncle Daddy Ron's going to make sure everything's...

Oh, my God, you have one on your eyelid!

BRANDON: Ron!

Okay. ROBBY: Help!

I'm coming. GARY: My throat hurts!

Okay. All right. Ron!

That is for you.

Oh, and, uh, you asked

for the notepad, right? Thanks.

It itches.

I know. What'd I tell you

about the scratch monster, Robby?

He eats kids that scratch too much.

That's right.

And he gobbles them up slowly and painfully.

Ron!

Calamine lotion!

Okay. I'm on it.

Oh, God. What?

I think I got some in my butt crack.

Okay.

Uh, here.

There you go, Tiger.

Just, uh, clench and release.

It'll work its way down there.

Okay. What?!

Coming! Clench, clench.

Oh, yeah. Okay.

So, everybody feeling taken care of, right?

Comfy?

Good.

Okay, so, listen, I know we didn't exactly

discuss the issue of hazard pay,

but, uh, I'm assuming there'll be a little something extra

in my envelope this week.

Great news, guys. I just talked to the school

and I convinced them to let Ron go pick up our homework.

Homework?!

Are you crazy?

We could have gone a whole week

without learning anything!

Are you crazy? A week?

That's two percent of the school year.

That puts me off the valedictorian track.

And the best I could do from that point

would be salutatorian.

What's salutatorian?

Exactly!

Hey, hey.

Hey, buddy, can you tell me

where the office is?

I'm a teacher of advanced social studies, buddy.

Right. I am not

a "you are here" dot on a mall map.

If you think that I have time...

Wait a minute.

You look familiar.

Were you one of my students?

No. I don't think so, Mr. Shuldi... uh...

You know, I'll find it on my own. Thank you.

I think it's sexy to see a single father

so dedicated to his children.

Mm-hmm.

You just want to take a man like that

and hold him really tight.

Homework?

It's what I came for.

I'm a single mom, myself, so...

I know how tough it can be.

Oh. Oh, man, yeah.

Tell me about it. I know.

You know, the term "heroes"

gets thrown around a lot since 9/11, but, uh,

I think in our case, it's totally justified.

You could say that, uh,

single parents are the firemen of the regular world.

(laughing)

(laughing)

Hi. I'm Kathy.

Hi. Ron.

So, what kind of fire are you putting out?

Oh, chicken pox.

All three of my guys.

Oh, gosh, you're so lucky.

What?

My Bethany hasn't had them yet.

I would love to get her exposed.

Yeah.

You want them to get it when they're young, right?

Oh, absolutely. Yeah. That goes without saying.

Th-That's why I didn't say it.

(laughing)

So, um, look.

I'd love to help you out. Do-Do you want to maybe

come to my place tomorrow night?

Sounds good.

Okay.

Yeah. I'll bring Bethany by.

Bethany? Ooh.

My daughter.

Your daughter.

Yeah, you did say that you have a daughter. Right.

Yeah, bring her by.

And we'll, uh, we'll call it a date.

Okay.

All right. Okay.

Uh, weren't you here for your kids' homework?

Yep.

Okay, there you go.

Not just for breakfast, huh?

Does that feel better?

Eh... Eh?

I can't believe you got their homework

and you forgot mine!

Shut up, Gary! I didn't even want my homework.

Yeah.

And you make terrible oatmeal!

You're eating it?

That's disgusting. How can you let him eat it?

What's the matter with you?!

I... BRANDON: Ron?

Yeah?

I think I'm gonna barf.

Okay. I'm on it!

And I want bananas for my oatmeal.

Okay. I'm on it.

And that calamine lotion never made it to my butt crack.

You might be on your own with that one.

You know, I should have known better

than to count on you.

You're the worst dad ever!

BRANDON: Oh, oh, no. It came out the other end.

Okay, can you hear me, Mr. Shuldiner?

Yes, Mr. Gunderson, we can all hear you.

Is everything to your liking?

Actually, could you tilt left a bit?

(sighs)

Just a skosh more.

Ah, too much...

Back, back, back.

Back, back. And walk away.

You're quite sure there's nothing else you need?

I'm golden. It's all you now.

Hey, brainiac. You're doing my homework

since you're the one who asked for it.

Shh!

I'm on video chat with school.

Let's see. "What's missing in this picture?"

There's nothing missing in this pic--

Oh, wait. It's the arms.

Gets me every time.

Get out, knob.

Hey.

Oh, hey, Brandon.

Oh, my God. Look at me, man. I'm sweating like a pig.

I'm not usually this nervous for a date.

Date?

Or dizzy. What is going on?

Okay. Suck it up, Snuff. No choking on game day.

This is what we practice for.

What date?

Oh, that feels good.

I was just about

to tell you, I planned a little

mother-father, son-and-daughter

double date for tonight.

Wow, that is creepy.

There's nothing creepy about it.

She just wants you to infect her daughter.

I can't see anyone like this, Ron.

I'm covered in sores.

You don't get it, man.

She's into that kind of thing.

That's why she's coming over.

She wants you to get her sick.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, my God. I feel like I'm going to barf.

You know what's going on here?

I must have real feelings for this chick.

(loudly): Uh, so I'll be by your bedside all night, kids,

in case your temperatures spike again, all right?

Hey, sorry.

Kids. You know. They keep you running around,

especially when you're doing it on your own.

(chuckles)

Anyway, it's good to see you again. Come on in.

Hi. This is Bethany.

Hi, Bethany.

That is a nice little jacket thing you got on there.

So, uh, what are you into?

You like, uh, bracelets?

Hannah Montana? Unicorns?

It worked. I'm sick. Can we go now?

You're not going anywhere, young lady.

Bethany hates my guts today.

Ah, she'll love your guts tomorrow, right?

That's tweens for you.

Tweens raised

by single parents.

Hey.

Oh.

Hi.

Hey.

Hey, look at this.

This is what I'm talking about, yeah.

Looks at these two. Dad.

Sparks are flying. (imitates buzzing)

Well, let's let them rock their thang.

Oh, my God, Mom.

Yeah! (Kathy laughing)

Uh...

so why don't we let them get acquainted?

And you and I go have

a little pot roast and champagne. Sound good?

Yeah. Okay.

(Ron whistles, Kathy laughs)

Get out of here. You did not meet the bear

that Yogi Bear was based on.

Well, I'm just telling you what he told me.

I'm not saying it's the truth.

You're funny and you cook.

Mm-hmm.

You know, I only saw my ex in the kitchen once.

Licking whipped cream off the babysitter.

Oh, my God. Exes.

Don't get me started.

But you soldier on 'cause that's what's best

for the kiddies, right?

Oh, my God. Is it hot in here?

It is a little warm.

Oh.

Now I'm cold.

Is it freezing?

So...

I guess you're supposed to get me sick.

Well, you don't have to do anything that you don't want to.

We could just hang out and, uh...

and talk.

Oh, I'd like that.

You know, I've never done this before.

Yeah, well, when you're ready,

I'll give it to you.

Thanks.

GARY (on computer): Excuse me?

Excuse me?

Hi. Uh...

Can you tell me what it says

under "The Treaty of Versailles"?

It says the Treaty of Versailles

was June 27, 1919.

Commonly accepted as the main impetus

for World War II.

Thanks.

Commonly accepted, my ass.

You need to go back to the Franco-Prussian War

to make any sense of what happened in '36.

But the Franco-Prussian War, it has nothing to do with it.

Uh, yeah. You think that

because you've been sucking down that swill

McGraw-Hill's been slinging for the past 50 years.

That needs to say,

"June 28."

You know, I envy women. I do.

There's just no way a man can ever share

that intimate bond that a woman has

with a child. You know?

I mean, you get to have them all the way inside you.

The best I can ever hope for is a hug.

That's not fair.

Dad? Not now. Busy.

Call school and tell them I'm not doing this.

Whoa, whoa.

So I don't solve the maze. The mouse starves. Big deal.

Ah, big deal? Oh, they get so cranky

when they're sick, don't they?

Just breaks my heart.

Hey, Ron. Grab a quick beer. Got some down time.

Angela's on her back

with her legs up on the wall. Oh.

You are entertaining.

Mm-hmm. Glenn, this is Kathy.

Kathy, Glenn. I was just telling her how much it hurts me

when my kids are sick.

Aw.

Mmm, I wish I could just

take all that sickness

and put it all inside of me.

Do all the suffering for them.

My little munchkin.

What do they have? Chicken pox.

(gasps) Are you insane?

You can't be around chicken pox!

It's 100 times worse if you get it as an adult.

I mean, there's hallucinations and blisters

and it's unbearable.

Yeah, I know. I'm fine, Glenn. I got it from you

in the second grade. Remember? That was measles.

That was what? Oh, God!

Get off of me!

Oh, no! No pox!

I'm okay.

Please, no pox. Oh, God! Pox!

Oh, you got me sick,

you slimy, little germ machines.

You happy?

(sobbing)

Oh, no chance

this is ever going to be one of those crazy first date stories

we laugh about later, is it?

Pot roast was good, though, right?

(crowing)

Yes, I really am sick,

boss.

(sniffling)

Go ahead. Check the calendar.

It's not Mardi Gras. It's not opening day.

There's no Monster Truck-apalooza.

You're kidding me. The Tucson Celtic Music Festival?

Damn it! I was going to call in sick for that.

Hey, butt-pole. Which one of these old ladies

was our first president?

Look it up, ass pimple.

All the facts are right there, people.

I expect you to know this.

Okay. I'm back now.

Sorry you had to hear that.

Anyway, my point is

that many historians are now saying that World War II

was the culmination of family conflicts

dating back to the Franco-Prussian War.

Vic the Janitor was explaining it to me.

You're telling me that Vic the Janitor

knows more about the origins of World War II than I do?

Well, yeah.

He made a lot of sense and...

Enough.

I'm in charge of molding young minds.

He's in charge of dirt.

Vic the Janitor can take his hundreds of keys

and jangle them all he wants.

He will not get my attention.

Gary, I think it's time

for one of those rest breaks we talked about.

I don't need a rest.

But I do.

Okay. Fine. Whatever.

Gunderson out.

(gasps)

(straining)

(slurping)

Hey, man, you got a sec?

Help. I do need help.

It's about Bethany.

I think she's the one, Ron.

But how do I know?

Throat closing.

Yeah. That is exactly what it feels like.

Please.

No, no. I know what you're saying. We're young.

But maybe we'll be one of those couples who met in middle school

and just stayed together forever.

I mean, sure, we'll wonder, when we're 30 or 40,

if we should have played the field more,

but you can't look back.

So sure, maybe one time, or two times,

I made a stupid mistake with my secretary,

but it meant nothing!

Oh, don't look so surprised, Bethany.

You knew damn well who I was when you married me!

Need water!

No thanks, I'm good.

Well, thanks, man.

I gotta run, but good talk.

Help! Brandon!

I am drinking carpet water.

(Gary singing along)

(beatboxing)

(laughs)

You enjoying yourself, craphead?

Not as much as your class is.

What?

(class laughing)

Shouldn't we turn this off?

No.

Robby, what did you do?

No!

No! Robby!

Ah!

(crows cawing)

Huh? What?!

No, you shut up!

You're not the voice in my head.

I'm the voice in my head.

No, I will not share!

Oh, oh. Get it together, Ron.

Glenn said there would be hallucinations.

Ron! Good. You're up.

Okay. Listen.

Everything's totally under control.

Everything's totally okay.

But we're moving. We're moving out. Away from here.

What? We're moving?

Not you. Us.

I checked out Eugene, Oregon.

Nice college town. Decent infrastructure.

Great track team.

Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait, wait, wait. Before we get into this,

are you real?

Now, I checked out the bus schedule online,

and there's an 8:30 Friday.

That would take us right...

Gary, stop! Gary, stop!

Just tell me what happened.

Robby turned on my webcam when I wasn't looking,

and my whole class saw me rapping in my underpants.

Ooh. Ooh.

Yeah, exactly. So it's over.

Tucson was nice,

but it's over for me here.

No, no.

You don't have to leave town, Gary.

That's ridiculous. Let me tell you a story.

Sixth grade.

I got stuck halfway up the rope in gym class.

Couldn't move up or down.

Mr. Franz had to come in with a ladder

and carry me down like a big, dumb baby.

For two days, it was all, "Hey, Rhonda.

Hey, crybaby. Hey, dookie-pants."

That last one was from a prior incident.

But, uh, on the third day, the most amazing thing happened.

Steve Shilanski got hit by a bus.

Changed the whole news cycle.

I was off the front page, baby.

So, you're saying we need to stage a bus accident?

No, we could never afford a bus.

You just got to do something that's way bigger

than you in your tighty-whiteys. You dig?

So, who does everybody hate?

Who does everybody want to see fall?

Shuldiner.

Yeah! That's it!

That's totally it! I walk right up to him

and rip that dead animal off his head.

I mean, I'll probably get, like, what? A year's worth

of detention. But I'll totally be the guy who did that.

Okay. Let's go! Drive me to school.

What? Right now?

I'm not exactly on top of my game here, Gary.

Can't one of these guys do it?

You know, you never do anything for me!

You really are the worst dad ever!

Oh, come on.

All right. Okay. All right.

Yes. I'll do it.

Just help me out with my shoes here, Gary.

This is gonna be great.

I'm gonna catch him coming right out of class.

What do you do at a floating stop sign?

Hundreds of kids standing around.

Then I just walk right up to him and say,

"Hi, Mr. Shuldiner.

Feel smart without this?"

Ah, this is gonna be epic.

Yeah.

(screams)

Badger rating, my ass!

I hid behind that cooler you sold me,

and they ripped through it like tissue paper!

I can't help you. It was a sale item.

What the hell are you talking about?

Huh?

RON: What?

(school bell ringing)

Oh. Oh, that's good.

Nice and cool.

Mr. Gunderson.

Even more disappointing

in three dimensions than you are in two.

(laughing)

Hey!

You can't talk to my kid that way, Shuldiner!

Oh, I remember you now.

Dookie-pants.

(badger growling)

It's a badger.

(growling) Huh?

It's a badger! No!

(screaming)

Don't look at me. Do you want detention?

(kids laughing) Eyes down.

Don't you laugh at me.

Don't you look at me!

That's my dad! My dad just did that!

(screaming)

(panting)

A little help here?

Somebody call Animal Control!

(knocking)

I couldn't stop thinking about you.

Me, neither.

Is this a Craisin?

A Craisin?

I am so sorry, Bethany.

I mean, I got better.

I should have told you, I know. But I was...

I was actually afraid that you wouldn't care

for me the same if I was healthy.

Oh, you silly.

Of course I still care for you.

But I think I need to be with someone else right now.

What? Why?

Look, I really need someone who can get me sick.

Please respect that.

I really thought you were the one.

You will always be in my heart, Brandon.

You just won't be the boy who infected me.

Here, Ron.

This will help your fever go down.

Ah. You're great kids.

I knew you guys would come through for me.

It's fresh-squeezed.

Is it?

(slurping)

If you need anything else,

just...

(bird caws)

Oh, you guys are the best.

Wow.

You know, before you guys showed up,

I was actually starting to think I was gonna die out here.

(laughing)