Original subtitles

RON: Thank you, Tucson!

(hoots)

Morning, guys.

We have to...

Oh God, this was a chef's kitchen.

And who unplugged my Crock-Pot?

I had a lentil stew going.

(video game whooshing)

ROBBY: Why won't this unicorn die?

I shot it, like, a hundred times.

Get the power pack first.

It's in the baby panda's skull.

How long have you guys been up?

Relax. We're going

to bed after this next game. Brandon,

it's 8:00 in the morning.

We've got to go to school.

Oh.

Then we're dressed.

And where's Ron?

He's supposed to do career day for your class, Robby.

Tell him I said good luck.

You have to be there.

It's a father-son thing.

I'm not going with that losewad.

That's exactly why

we hired that losewad.

We need people to think we have a father.

We're paying him to help us make a good impression.

ROBBY: Is he dead?

Get up!

I'm a student here!

It's Robby's career day.

Did you forget? What?

No. No, no.

No, of course not.

No, I-I got so excited for it,

I actually over-celebrated a bit last night.

Don't you worry, Robby.

I'm gonna blow their little minds.

I've always shined in the glow of the spotlight.

You know, I played Pippin in high school.

Can't we just say he was injured?

Or I could injure him right now.

Ron, listen to me.

Stay in the shallow end.

Do two minutes on selling basketballs and get out.

Okay, red is power. Right.

Blue shows you're calm under pressure.

But, see, I'm thinking green'll make your eyes pop.

Okay, guys, guys, guys, guys, you're getting in my head.

Okay? That's bad.

I am the adult with the career here.

I am going to rock it hard.

Okay, now who's got my pants?

So there I was in the pouring rain.

I-I'm soaking wet.

And I pushed my way

through the smoke and the broken glass,

when I see a woman looking at me with frightened eyes.

Oh. And as I

pull her out of the burning car,

I have no idea that I'll be delivering her baby.

Thank you, Congressman Thomas.

We'll all be watching for your Dateline.

Thank you, Miss Morales.

All right, class, next up we have Mr. Gunderson.

Let's see what this jackass has to say.

Mr. Gunderson?

Oh. Yeah.

Present!

Little joke. Okay.

Thank you, Miss Morales.

(clears throat)

(clears throat) Okay.

So... I am, uh, Ron Gunderson.

(clock ticks quietly) And, uh...

(clock ticking)

Wow-wee, that clock is deafening.

Seriously, is that killing

anybody else?

No? Okay, all right, well,

I'm just gonna power through then.

(clears throat) I am, um...

I'm Robby's daddy,

and, uh,

I'm gonna be honest and level with you, kids, okay?

I am no hero.

I am just a plain old

boring dad who sells balls and camping gear at Sport Space.

By day.

By night, I work for

a secret government agency

that I can neither name nor discuss,

but I can, however, answer yes or no questions

and wink if you get close to something juicy.

That being said, do any of you

remember the night the Canadian government collapsed?

No, I don't think you do because it didn't happen thanks to me.

(crowd chatter)

What up, slut?

What up, slut?

What?

What's going on?

Oh, hey, what up, slut?

What the hell?!

No.

No, no.

RON: So, blue wire cut,

(clucks tongue) mind-control bomb defused,

and you're welcome, Quebec.

Or should I say,

je vous en prie.

En français, "you're welcome."

Any questions?

Ou, questions?

THOMAS: Yeah.

Just curious.

I didn't hear anything about this

when I was serving on the Foreign Intelligence Committee.

Uh-huh. Yeah, and what's your security clearance level?

What, you level three, level four?

I'm an eight, so...

There's no eight.

Well, they would never tell a four about an eight.

(laughs)

Shouldn't you be back in congress texting a male page?

Jeffrey helps me with my speeches.

Speeches, huh? Is that what you call it, huh?

Okay, gentlemen... You know what?

I'm sor... No. You know what?

I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do this with you.

I did not come here to be attacked by you, fella.

I came here to support

my kid, talk about my secret job, and...

Is there anyway I can get, like, a fistful of aspirin?

There's, like, a small mammal nesting in my head.

Oops.

You guys might want to crack a window.

(kids laughing)

I knew it.

All right, this seems

like a good place to stop.

Thank you, Mr. Gunderson. Mm-hmm.

Thank you, Robby, for bringing your dad in today.

(coughs) Loser. (kids laughing)

He's not my dad.

He's not my dad!

(school bell ringing)

Oh. Son of a bitch.

Oh, something better be on fire.

Okay, I farted again. I'm sorry.

Look at these.

They're all over school.

"Hi, my name is Gary.

"I'm from Jersey, and I love to party.

My catchphrase is..."

(high-pitched voice): What up, slut?

You saw it? Dude, I wrote it.

What?! Why, Brandon?

Why would you do that?

Gary, you're 3,000 miles away from home

in a brand-new environment.

Okay, this is the perfect time to reinvent yourself.

I don't want to reinvent myself.

Ooh, but you should, you really should.

Yeah? What's wrong with me?

Wow, big lob. Okay.

I'm just going to say this. I mean, I love you,

warts and all, but let's face it.

You are one giant ball of negativity.

See, these flyers introduce Gary 2.0.

He's fun, he's upbeat.

He embraces life and all its possibilities, which,

once again begs the question--

what up, slut?

(school bell ringing)

I'm sorry, Robby. I... Hi.

I just... I just...

I just wanted the kids to get a cool dad, okay?

I'm sorry.

Can you...?

You have to come out of there some time. Come on.

Okay, you need more time,

and you misspelled "buttlick."

Mr. Gunderson? Hey.

Hey, that was crazy, huh?

Kids-- they just say...

They say the darndest stuff, don't they?

I mean, you know, like,

I used to call my dad a big, fat alcoholic

and a blood-sucking parasite.

Didn't mean anything.

Is there anything you want to tell me?

I played Pippin in high school.

I meant at home.

Is everything okay?

What? Yeah. I'm nailing it. I'm nailing it shut.

Yeah, Robby and the other ones,

they couldn't be happier.

So... (loud knocking inside locker)

Ah, I just get... Ugh!

I just get

emotional when we talk about the kids.

Strong feelings.

You know, there's no shame in admitting you need help.

I don't need help.

Now, I know that Child Services gets a bad rap...

Whoa. What? Whoa.

Child Services, rap, admitting.

That's...

Let's just take a long, deep, slow breath together, okay?

In through the nose.

(inhales deeply)

You need to breathe. Go. Breathe in.

Hey, guys.

So, uh, I invited Robby's teacher over

for dinner on Friday night.

You did what?!

I, uh... I invited Robby's teacher over for dinner

on Friday night.

Pizza night.

Why, Ron? Why would you do that?

Because she was snooping around, okay?

She was asking questions, and I thought

I better snuff out any suspicion really quick.

Huh. So, your solution

to throwing someone off our scent

was to invite them over to sniff around?

You really think that's smart, Ron?

Look, I think we were all losing sight

of the fact that I was really hung over.

No, hey, this is great.

We can put out newspaper articles

about how our real dad went to prison

and about how his kids mysteriously disappeared.

We can call it the connect-the-dots party.

See that right there? Classic old Gary.

So negative.

New Gary jumps at the chance to have dinner

with a new friend.

She's not our friend. Let me tell you

something I learned from skimming

the first five pages of The Art of War.

You don't run away from your enemies.

You run towards them.

Great. Robby's teacher will be in this house,

which means we have two days

to make it look like an adult lives here.

Stop making such a big deal about it, okay? It'll be fine.

I'll move all my stuff in. Let's go.

Come on.

We'll clean up real quick.

If we all, uh, pitch in, you know,

how long could it possibly t...?

Holy crap.

(blows landing, gentle Asian-themed music plays on TV)

Welcome to my hell.

I fight this every day.

(chittering)

Is that a human ear?

That's jerky.

Wait. Oh, my God.

No, no, it's jerky.

RON: Oh, hey, buddy.

How you doing?

Want to help me put out some of my stuff?

You can do the shot glasses.

And, oh, hey, hey.

What is this right here?

(resonating): I am Skeletor, sworn enemy of He-Man,

and I am here to apologize on behalf of Ron Snuffkin.

Here. This is yours.

That's cool.

You'll play with it later.

When my dad apologized, he gave me a Rolex.

I see.

And, uh, did he give you that before he was arrested

or did he have to carve it out of prison soap?

What do you know about soap?

(sighs) Not bad. Mm-hmm.

Looks good.

Looks clean. Yep.

Oh, God.

What?

Looks like nobody lives here.

The walls are bare.

There are no pictures of us together.

Zero evidence that we're a family.

All right, no sweat. There's a camera at work for shoplifters.

I can swipe that.

Yeah, does it go back in time?

'Cause we need to show Robby's teacher

that we've been together

for 13 years.

Way to go, Ron.

You know what? Your brother's right.

You are really, really negative. Okay, just-just...

give me-give me a second to think here.

Uh, you know what?

I know a guy.

I hate this already.

No. No, no, no, no. This guy's an artist.

He's great. He does fake ID's,

fake photo albums for people in green card marriages.

You think of the fake thing, this guy does it.

It just gets better and better.

It's a valuable service, Gary. Okay?

He takes total strangers

and makes them look like a loving couple.

It's really kind of sweet, actually.

You married an illegal for money, didn't you?

It was for a fridge, actually.

You know what?

Maybe we should cancel. No, no, no, no.

I'm telling you, this guy can do it.

My man Joker has never let me down.

RON: Joker?

JOKER: Hey, sorry, Ron.

I hate to let you down.

I can still do it if you want to wait.

18 months? Mm-hmm.

So, you know any other guys?

Yeah, but they're kinda shady.

(siren whoops) See you later.

I can see

What I can find

But I can't find the ones

Okay, come on.

(hissing)

I left behind.

No, it's like I told you. He does everything right here.

Fake ID's, fake photo albums

for people in green card marriages.

Plus, uh, well, we still got a camera.

We got these costumes, oodles of props.

Hey.

Check this out. Look.

Joker's customers.

Oh, come on out, illegals.

Let's take some photos. Look, right here.

Got our family.

GARY: Our family? Yeah.

My wife. Your mother.

Little Brandon age three.

And this guy right here, weird Uncle Joe.

No, no, no, that-that is weird Uncle Joe, right there.

Okay, perfect. Yeah, hold this.

Okay, uh, listen up.

Uninvited neighbors, gather round.

Now, I know that you came to this country

with a dream of a better life for you and your families.

Well, that dream... is dead.

But we still have a dream that is very much alive.

And you can help us make that come true.

Right here, today.

And we'll pay you.

Yeah.

Uno, dos, tres, cuatro

I know you want me...

Got it.

Mmm. Okay, one more for safety.

I think we got it, Ron.

Do we? Do you think we got it?

Is that you professional opinion?

Okay, uh... okay. Here's what we're gonna do.

Brandon, we're gonna set up for your birth pictures.

Esparanza, I'm going to need you to hop on that table,

put on a green gown and spread your legs.

¿Qué?

Cheese.

Great. Okay, nine-year-old Gary,

you can blow out the candles

but don't touch the cake.

We need that for my fourth birthday

and Gary's green belt party.

Okay, you, get out of here. Go.

Baseball!

Just smile once. Put your arms up, you just won.

Okay, good. Opening day. Here we go.

Come on, bring the fire.

(grunts) Whoa.

(chuckles) It's not a... it's not a shot put, Robby.

Didn't your dad ever teach you how to throw a ball?

No.

Oh.

Uh...

okay, uh...

no big deal, no biggie.

Let's, uh... I'll show you how. Here.

All right.

Put your fingers on the seam...

BOY: Oh, hey.

What up, slut?

Stop it!

I don't say that!

RON: Come on, Brandon, we're out of time.

BRANDON: Okay.

Check it out. I put it all together.

Okay, coming. What's up? Okay.

Here we are in Cancun.

Good. Here we are on the moon.

Not sure we're gonna need anything from outer space.

Just keep it down here on Earth, okay?

And do it quick. She's on her way.

(door closes)

Unfreakin'-believable! Where have you been?

Huh? I sent you to get the aroma candles hours ago.

The hallway still smells like foot.

I had my own errand.

I went to the basketball game to hand out these.

What?

Oh, yeah.

I struck back at you with my own flyer. It was very clear!

"I'm Brandon. I'm way cooler than you."

People should hate you, right? Wrong!

Not only does everybody think

you're somehow way cooler than them,

but everybody wants to meet you and friend you!

Well, look at that, you tried to hurt me

but you just hurt yourself.

Yeah? Let me try again!

Ow! You just hit me in the face with my own face!

Ron, you see what he's doing?

BRANDON: Me?! I don't care!

I so don't care!

Okay? Stop screwing around

and act like men!

Brandon, go light the scented candles.

Gary, make the bruschetta.

I'm not making him anything.

And besides, bruschetta's a peasant dish!

And you're an idiot for knowing that!

You're both idiots! Are we happy now? Hmm?

I hate all of you! You're all...

(all shouting at once)

I just did the whole house...

(doorbell rings)

ALL: Hi!

Hello.

Hello.

Welcome to our home. Please excuse the mess.

So, obviously, the Sport Space is not where I see myself

in five years, but it does leave me ample time

to work on my epic novel.

MAGGIE: Really?

What's it about?

Mmm, it's about a whale.

It's about a crazy guy chasing a whale.

That sounds a lot like Moby Dick.

Moby what?

Excuse me, Father,

would you pass the minced red pepper, please?

Um, absolutely. My pleasure, son.

Oh, my boys.

You know, I honestly don't think I knew what love was

before these little rascals came into my life.

(clears throat)

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Is he okay? Yeah.

He's fine.

He's just extremely lactose intolerant.

Mmm. Mm-hmm.

Well, then why do you guys have pizza night?

RON: That's a good question. Good-good question.

Anybody else want to field that one?

No? Okay.

I guess I'll tell her then.

As it turns out, my mother...

Fanta,

who would also be, by logical extension, their grandmother,

died tragically on pizza night.

And this is how we honor her.

To Fanta.

To Fanta.

To Fanta.

Uh, bah, bah.

Family only. Thank you.

And, uh, here we have our wedding.

You got married in the pyramids? Yeah.

We did. We got special permission

from the, um, current Pharaoh.

MAGGIE: Halfway up. Mm-hmm.

That's unusual.

I know, I know.

That's not something I was expecting either.

But a great place for a wedding and not so cliché.

Mm-hmm.

So... yeah.

Oh, my gosh, then we have Robby's delivered.

Are those prison tattoos on the gynecologist? Yeah.

Yeah, that-that is an uplifting story right there.

From gangster to gyno.

It's rare.

What's this?

Oh, that-that-that is Brandon being dropped off

for his first day of school.

I cried like a baby.

They grow up so fast.

It's weird.

That was, what, ten years ago? Mm-hmm.

There's an Obama sticker on the bumper of your car.

Yeah, we were early supporters.

When he was teaching law? Mm-hmm.

Yeah. You know what?

You could see the hope in his eyes, even back then.

You know what we should do?

We should dance.

Come on. Um...

Ooh, I'm on fire

Not a single thing on Earth can cool me down

Get up now

Ooh, I'm getting higher...

(turns off music) Yeah, you're right.

We should probably have a little wine before that.

GARY: What are you putting in my hair?!

BRANDON: Just a little bit of product, all right.

Mess it up a little bit.

Leave me the hell alone!

Don't you see? I'm offering you a better way.

I don't want a better way!

I'm fine the way I am!

That is insane.

Why would you want to be you if you had a choice?

RON: Hey, hey, Brandon!

Knock it off, okay?

Get off your brother's case.

I don't want to hear it anymore.

I'm trying to help him.

No, no, no, you're not trying to help him.

You're trying to turn him into you which is never gonna happen.

Okay? He is what he is.

He's a self-important,

slightly paranoid buzzkill.

You are never gonna turn him

into the charismatic dude that you are.

Wow. Thanks.

Not finished. Okay, Brandon?

Yes, you're popular now,

but you are gonna peak in high school.

I'm sorry to tell you, but that is the way it is, okay, buddy?

And then you're gonna have to sit back

and you're gonna watch this guy blossom in college,

come out of business school, and set the world on fire.

Okay? He's-he's gonna own his own company,

they're gonna write articles about him,

he's gonna date beautiful women like Maggie.

And you are gonna wish that you were a little bit more like him.

And you are going to love being you.

Wow. Thanks.

MAGGIE: That's really sweet.

Oh. Hey.

I wish my dad would've said something like that to me.

I was a total nerd in middle school.

So, when I'm older, you'd be into a guy like me?

I like cops.

But your dad is right.

People really do grow into themselves.

That is true.

That is something I learned back on the force.

Thank you so much for dinner, Ron.

Mm-hmm.

I'll see you at school, Robby.

Oh, okay.

See ya.

I can't wait to be made fun of because of my dad.

Um, you know what?

I think he might be coming down with something.

I'm gonna keep him home for a couple days.

Really?

Yeah, maybe a week.

Yeah, he's burning up.

And clammy around the neck.

So, thanks for coming.

Yeah, you know...

this turned out okay.

Yeah. You really surprised me.

(under breath): Yeah.

(keys jingling, car alarm chirps)

Yeah, you're right, let's not spoil this.

Spoil what?

Nothing. Nothing.

I will see you at school.

Good night.

Okay, good night.

(engine starting)

Oh. Whoa.

Night!

(knocking on door) Guys?

Guys, come on, I didn't get my pudding!

(distant dog barking)

Want to play catch?

(sighs)

Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

Let's play a little catch.

Got a glove for me? Nice.

Okay, remember what I told you, right?

Keep your back foot planted, back here, right?

Big step on the throw, and follow through.

Right to the glove.

Got it? Yeah, you got it.

Smarty-pants.

Okay, buddy, you're the champ.

Here we go. Bring me the hard cheese, okay.

(groans): My knee.

(groans)

Oh, very good.

Put a little heat on that one, that's good.

Oh, can you get Daddy an ice pack?

(groans)

Oh, you're a good boy.

You're a good boy.