All language subtitles for Sons.of.Tucson.S01E03_Ensh

RON:
Thank you, Tucson!

RON:
Yeah, Jumper,
that is a lot of money,

but it's just a little too risky
for me. You know, plus...

smuggling Mexican Viagra
into the States

just doesn't bode well
for this dad gig

I got going on, all right?

But, seriously,
it means the world to me

that you thought of me first,
all right?

So, call me if anything else
comes up.

I got to go.
Some kid's looking at me.

Bye.

Mr. Ron, it's me, Gabe--
from Robby's party.

Oh, how could I forget
my biggest fan?

You're hilarious, Mr. Ron.

And you look so majestic
lying there.

You should be a car model.

Oh, you still got it,
don't you, ass-kiss?

Afternoon.
Ah, God.

Okay, not...
not resisting.

Not resisting.

I swear, Officer, I tried
to pay off those tickets,

but the clerk at the desk
said all my nickels

had to be in rolls,
and I just...
I hear you.

I hate those desk jockeys
down in Traffic.

Huh?

I'm Derek Thomas,
Gabe's dad.

Oh, you're Gabe's dad?

Gabe's dad is a cop.

Which is fantastic.
That's great.

You know, I love...
I love Law and Order.

It's my favorite show,
especially the law part.

Or is it order?

I can't...
which part is the cop part?

I don't know, but it...
they're all good.

You could make a case
for either side.

It's gritty. It's a real show.

Shaky cam-- I like it.

So, anyway,
my boy really enjoyed

that playdate
that he had with Robby.

Yeah.
He's been bugging me
to make another one.

Or a, uh, sleepover.
Sleepover.

Yeah. I just wish Robby
didn't have that disease

where he stops breathing
and dies

when his friends sleep over
at his house.

That disease seems
to be going around.

He's having a little bit
of trouble fitting in at school.

Oh, I've been
there, man.

One case of head lice,

and even Skidmarks Stevie
wouldn't sit with me at lunch.

Hey, Gabe, you know what?

Robby has been cured of
that sleepover disease.

What do you say? You want
to come over tomorrow night?

My God, yes!
Yeah!

Robby, guess what!

You and I are having
a sleepover tomorrow!

Your dad invited me.

Isn't this
the best day ever?

I've had better.

Thank you, Mr. Ron.

I owe you one.

Yeah? Yeah, no problem.

Looking forward to it.

Oh, my God.

A cop just told me
he owes me one.

Yeah, so do I, Mr. Ron.

Whatever.

You're not driving today?

*

Madam President,
I'm sorry your husband

was vaporized by the ray beam,

but from where I stood,
it was the right call.

These aliens are mad,
and they'll stop at nothing

until every living organism
is destroyed.

GARY (whispering):
Ice caps.

Huh?

You forgot to mention
the ice caps.

What?

Cut. What-what are you saying?

Okay, first of all,
never say, "Cut."

Only the director says, "Cut."

And I was trying to get you
to talk about the ice caps.

We both agreed that our film

would have
an environmental message.

Gary, no one is going to care
about global warming

if aliens are about to destroy
the entire world.

If we want to win the Arizona
Young Filmmakers competition,

we need to address
the big issues, okay?

Do you want to meet
Steven Spielberg or not?

It's a short film.

How much time do we
want to waste talking?

Let's just blow stuff up!

No. Let's do another take.

Okay.

And you're on the phone
with the president.

And frantic,
and lots of energy.

And don't forget the ice caps.

And... action.

Madam President,
I'm sorry your husband

was vaporized by the ray beam,

but from where I stood,
it was the...

Cut!

Ron, you just walked right
in the middle of my shot.

What?
And, ew.

Do you always drink
right out of the carton?

Relax. My beard doesn't shed
this time of year.

(doorbell rings)
RON:
Oh, you hear that?

That is the sound of a good
kid who would never complain

about a few whiskers
in his milk.

(groans)
I forgot about Gabe
sleeping over.

Can we just blow him up?
Yeah, yeah, of course you can.

You can blow him up
with friendship and inclusion.

How about that?
(screaming)

Robby, come on, it's for
one night. Just get over it.

Water bug!
Water bug on my shoe! Kill it!

Hey, no animals will be harmed
during the making of this film.

Whew.

Hello.

Look, I brought Schneider.

He recorded something
for this special night.
Wow.

GABE'S VOICE:
Best sleepover ever!

Wait till the guys meet him.

Hey, hey, you know
what? Whoa, whoa.

Why don't we save Schneider
for a little bit later, okay?

I-I just don't want Robby
to get too excited

right off the bat,
you know?

Great forethought,
Mr. Ron.

Thank you.

Have a good time, bud.
Yeah.

Thanks. I told him
that I needed the bear

for a stakeout,
but he wasn't buying it.

I'm just happy to help,
you know.

Mm-hmm.
So, uh, listen, I was thinking

about that thing you said to me
yesterday about owing me one.

I mean, you don't, you don't--
seriously, you don't.

It-It just...
it got me wondering.

I'd always heard that,
uh, if a cop gives you

his business card and writes
something on the back of it,

it's kind of like a free pass--
a golden ticket, if you will.

Word is it can get
you out of anything

up to and including
a Class B felony.

(both laughing)

But that doesn't...
that doesn't exist.

That's just a myth, right?
Well, you know,

if you are asking me directly--
which you are--

then I can neither confirm
nor deny its existence.

Mm-hmm.

Anyway, thank you
for having Gabe over.

Yeah.

I'm real grateful.

Oh, hey.

There-there was a
wink right there.

Did you have something
in your eye,

or are you trying
to tell me

that these golden
tickets actually exist?

Well, let's just say
that this sleepover

could be a real opportunity
for you.

And, uh, would you say
a golden opportunity?

I can't say.

But if you could...

Ron, connect the dots.

Okay, got it.

I'm getting a golden ticket.

I meant in your head.

Okay.

Okay.

Joker, great news.

I'm getting a golden ticket.

A golden ticket?

Guys like us
don't get golden tickets.

I mean, that's for, like,
ambassadors or popes.

I know. Exactly.

I'm practically above the law
now, man.

I'm like a Kennedy cousin.

Which means that that little
business opportunity

we may or may not
have discussed earlier

just got a whole lot less risky.
What's that?

Joker, think about the thing
we talked about yesterday.

JOKER:
Uh...

Having to do with Mexico.

And Viagra.

Joker, connect the dots
here, man.

Oh, I see. Now that Daddy's got
a safety net,

he's ready to take a risk?

Daddy would like to eat a nice
steak every once in a while.

He also wouldn't mind
floorboards in his car.

Right on.
I'll come by tonight.

Sweet. Later.

(voice quavering):
Just remember,

when the sun gets too hot,

I fought for you, Earth.

I may have lost,

but damn it, I tried.

(sniffles)
Sorry.

So unprofessional.

The global warming stuff
just really sold it.

Was there too much blood?

Does it pull the attention
away from my face?

There can never
be too much blood.

Hey, guys, I did it.

I found 50
perfectly circular rocks,

just like you asked.

Now can I be in your movie?

You could, but that would be
a waste of your talents.

What you'd really be
good at is security.

Go downstairs and make
sure no one bothers us.

But this is
an excellent neighborhood.

Who would bother you?
You!

Do you have any sevens?

You already asked that.

Go fish.

I feel like you're lying.

How can we play
if we can't trust each other?

Come on, Grandpa, you tell all
those Casanovas over at the home

this weekend is going to be

"Geriatrics Gone Wild,"
all right?

Plus, I only take cash.

Safe?

You know, the
Mexican FDA is, like,

ten times stricter than
ours, so you do the math.

Uh, I'm going to call
you back, okay, Gramp?

Okay, bye.

Hi, Mr. Ron.

Hi.
Want to join us?

Okay, now, Brandon, on "action,"

you're going to bring your car
down the street.

Robby, you're in charge
of alien lasers

and the explosion.

And we're rolling.

And the car is moving.

And the lasers are pointing.

And... action!

Awesome.

Damn.

(grunts)

Cut.

RON:
You guys,

what did I say
about including Gabe?

He's working security.

Yeah, he seems happy
down there.

No, he is not happy, all right?

He is losing to himself
in a game of "Go Fish."

I-I really
need you guys

to be friends
for reasons that I...

can't exactly go into
right this second.

But Gabe's a dork.

Well, you know what, so was I.

I was a dork, and kids like you
made my life miserable.

Okay, well, we're on
a tight deadline, dork.
All right, that's enough.

You guys are so spoiled,
it makes me sick.

I don't care what happened
with you and your father.

You guys are just a bunch
of rich banker's kids

with absolutely zero compassion.

Who cares what you think?

Yeah, we're not paying you
to lecture us.

We're just paying you
to be our fake dad.

(gasping)

(recording):
Best sleepover ever!

We're screwed.
We are so screwed.

He heard everything.

He knows we're paying you
to be our fake dad.

This is bad.
This is really bad.

Stop saying things twice!
Okay, all right,
everybody just calm down.

We have to
figure this out

before Gabe gets out
of the bathroom.

What is the worst-case scenario?

Worst-case scenario?

Gabe tells his dad,
who's a cop.

You go to prison
for child endangerment.

You're looking
at about ten years,

but you'll probably insist
on representing yourself,

in which case,
you'll get 20.

We'll end up with
creepy foster people

who only have room for us
under the stairs.

I mean, yeah, sure, they'll
let us out once in a while--

when they need a kidney!--

and by the time
they're finished with us,

no amount of crack
will ever help.

Okay.

Who wants to do a silver lining?

What are we going to do?

I'll tell you
what we're going to do.

ALL:
Gabe! Hey!

Oh, sorry we had to give you
such a hard time before.

You made it through
the hazing.

You are now an honorary
Gunderson family member. What?

I knew it was something
like that.

What do you want to do
for the rest of the day?
Anything you want.

Sky's the limit.

I want to star in your movie!

You don't have
to decide right now.

Take some time
to think about it.

(knocking at door)
Oh, I'm going to let you boys
figure it out

while Papa Gunderson goes
and attends

to a friend
with really poor timing.

Okay.
Okay.

Yeah, Joker.

All right, let's do this quick.

And speak quietly--
I got a cop kid upstairs.

You got the stuff?

Yeah, right here.

(bleats)

Wow.

So, Dr. Seuss wasn't
making those things up.

I don't know who that is.

I don't have health care.

These are alpacas.

Alpacas.
Yeah.

You don't think
I'm going to swallow

1,400 Mexican man-makers.

Yeah.
Dude, these guys got,
like, three stomachs,

so two of them are just
sitting around doing nothing.

All you gotta do
is wait for Bella

and Edward
to deliver the goods.

Oh, that's it?
Mm-hmm.

That's all? Oh, lucky me.

No, no, no, no.

Extraction should be
included with delivery.

I'm-I'm distribution only.

Look, Ron,
I got a dinner party.

If you want, next time,

I'll sit at home
on my butt while you drive

Viagra-filled alpacas

across the border
in your station wagon, hmm?

Tell Marcy I said hello.

Thank you.

Hi.

Now, Gabe, remember,
this is the big standoff.

You know
you're going to die,

but you're going to take
a lot of aliens down with you.

It's going to
be a bloodbath.

Here's your gun.

No, no gun, no bloodbath.

What?
I rewrote the scene.

It just felt a little lazy.

Get this-- instead of
blasting away with giant guns,

I'm a tickle ninja.

I appear from the shadows

with my nimble-fingered team

to make everyone giggle
and save the world.

Tickle ninjas, assemble!

ROBBY:
That's it, I'm out.

Take my name off
this piece of crap.

(sighs)

I'm gonna kill him!

I swear,
I'll rip his arms off!

Whoa, whoa, okay,
hold on there, Chucky.

Before you ruin this for
the family, what happened?

Talk to me.

He wants tickle ninjas
in our movie.

Tickle ninjas.

Oh, wow, that is
a stupid idea,

a-almost as stupid
as booger monsters.

That was my idea.

Yeah, I know, and
we all hated it, too.

Then you left the room
and we made fun of you,

just like you're doing
to Gabe right now.

How's that feel?
Yeah,

but nobody understood
the booger monsters.

They weren't made
of boogers,

they could just shoot giant
boogers out of their eyes.

Exactly, so maybe
there's something

you don't understand
about tickle ninjas.

Like what?
Like...

Okay, you're right, that's
a, that's a terrible idea.

The point is,
maybe there's something

you're missing about Gabe,
all right?

Sometimes you have
to sift through the crap

to get to the good stuff.

That's a metaphor for you.

It's all too literal for me.

*

No, everything
did not go well, Joker.

I got alpaca poo
underneath my fingernails.

Yeah, well,
Bella came through like a champ,

but Edward had a little
breakdown on the colon highway.

Bunch of balloons broke
between stomach two and three,

and now we lost a chunk
of our little blue moneymakers.

I don't know
how it affected him.

I'm not going to check
under the hood.

He seems fine.

(alpaca moaning)
No, I locked Bella in the shed
to make sure.

(doorbell rings)
Hang on a sec.

Oh, my God,
I got to go, I got to go.

Uh, just one sec!

I'll be there in one second!

Hang on!

Come here, you little smurfs.

H-Hey, hey, Derek.

Sorry about the wait,
had to stash my drugs.

(both laugh)

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
got a warrant?

(both laugh)

How's Gabe?

Oh, he's good,
good, good.

This was a big night
for him.

Yeah, well, I got to tell you,
you got a great kid there.

He's welcome anytime.

In fact, if you say the word,
I'll just drop everything

and speed right over
there to get him.

Well, I could really speed
if I didn't have to worry

about being hassled
by local cops

who don't know how
much I love your son.

(laughs)

But seriously, I did
throw out my library card,

cleared a little space
in my wallet right there.

Know what?

I don't have any business
cards on me, but definitely,

the next time our boys get
together, I will hook you up.

Right, okay,
but it doesn't,

it doesn't have to be on
a business card, right?

I mean, I got a house

full of p-paper products.

Or a library card.

I think next time
would be better.

You know, maybe
we can get 'em together

for, like,
a whole weekend thing.

Wow.

You really make a guy
work for it, huh?
Well, it is

a golden ticket.
Mmm.

If... it exists.

Right. If it exists.

Where's Gabe?
Which it does.
What?

Now, Gabe, remember,
you've found

the one thing aliens fear:
moist darkness.

You're leading
the last of humanity

into the safety
of the country's extensive

storm drain system,

where, um,
you're going to build

an underground city out of
refuse and recyclables.

And action.

Come on, people of Earth.

Our last hope resides
in the safety of the underworld.

Follow me if you want to live.

He's good.

I will not forget you, Rebecca.

Who's Rebecca?

He added a love interest
to round out the character.

I don't hate it.

And I will not rest until every
last alien has been destroyed.

(splash)

Oops! I dropped Schneider!

GABE:
He's floating away!

Gabe, forget the bear,
come back.

No, Schneider just ate.

He shouldn't be swimming.

Shouldn't they be
back by now?

Yeah, yeah, I think they're
just probably caught up

in making their
little film.

You know, young
filmmakers.

(loud bang, Ron
clears throat)

What the hell was that?

Could you be
more specific?

(banging continues)

Oh, oh, that.

That is a super-horny alpaca,
slamming itself into my shed.

Rugelach?

(banging loudly)
Wow.

He is really going
after that shed.

Anything we can
do to help him?

Nothing I'm willing to do.

H-How did you
get into...?

You know,
I got to tell you,

I love my work,
I love my boys,

but I really don't feel like
my life had much meaning

before I found a way
to make a difference

rescuing
sexually-addicted alpacas.

(banging continues)

There's an issue
even Bono won't sing about.

(banging continues)

(alpaca moaning)

(sighs)

Lost in a storm drain?
W-What?

When I asked you guys
to take care of him, I
didn't mean Mafia-style.

How am I going to explain
this to the guy downstairs

with, like, three
guns and a Taser?

Don't stress.
Gabe will be fine.

The storm drain
probably empties out

into a beautiful lake
somewhere.

Oh, yeah, totally, with
ponies and rainbows, yeah.

We have to find him; this is
Gabe we're talking about.

He gets scared
putting on a hoodie.

Wow, it does have a heart.

I just wish
you'd grown it

before you lost a cop
kid down the sewer.

Hey, I found the storm
drain schematics.

We can intercept Gabe
at Cuesta Verde Estates.

Ron, you stay here
and stall his father.

Let's move it.

Whoa, whoa,
hold up there,

Tom Cruise.

Where did you find
a storm drain schematic?

There's more than just
porn on the Internet.

That's not true, is it?

This footage will be awesome
for our big chase scene.

And that...

is the slowest way to make
an Austrian Linzer torte.

Okay, let's move
on to soufflés.

I'm getting a call about
some kids who are messing

with a storm drain
over at Cuesta Verde Estates.

I'll come back
for Gabe, okay?

Uh, hold on, hold on, uh...

Hol-- I know
a mind-blowing shortcut

to get to the
Cuesta Verde, okay?

or the CV--

that's what we called it
back in high school.

This is impossible.

We're never gonna find him.

Maybe he doesn't
want to be found.

Which would be great

because it would
solve the whole

Gabe-knowing-about-
our-fake-dad thing.

(singing echoes distantly)
Wait, shh,

I think I hear
something.

GABE:
* I'm all right

* I'm okay

* Everybody loves me

* Every day.

Gabe, Gabe, it's me!

God?

No, it's Gary.

Where are you?

I don't know, I-I'm in

a happy place,
a-a dark, scary, happy place.

Okay, well, stay there.

We're coming
to get you.
(groans)

No, Gary...

,,,this is my playdate.

Water bugs.

Why did it have
to be water bugs?

We can't reach you.

(grunting)

GARY:
Stay there.

We'll be back.

(sighs)

I always knew
I would die with you.

Dispatch, I am bottomed out
on a dead-end dirt road

that does not appear on any map.

A friend gave me
a bogus shortcut,

but he is going to feel
real bad about it.

I'm sorry, Gabe.

We just wanted you
to have a good time.

That's nice.
No, we were
only being nice

because you
heard our secret

about paying Ron
to be our fake dad

and we didn't want
you to tell your dad.

Oh.

Okay... now I'm going
to tell you something.

You've only met
one of my dads.

What do you mean?

Connect the dots.

Oh.

Yeah, well,

now you know my dad's secret
and I know yours.

(thudding)

(grunting)

Howdy, boys.

The cavalry's here.

(Ron groans)

Gabe, you smell
terrible.

Shortcut, huh?

Derek.

You see this, Ron?

What? What's that?

That's your golden ticket.

No!

If you ever so much as step
outside of a crosswalk,

I'm going to be there.

If you have a
broken taillight,

I'm going
to be there.

Even if you do nothing,
I'm going to be there.

ROBBY:
You walked around

in the dark
with rats and snakes

and spiderwebs.

That's so cool.

We should go
down there again.

But, next time,
we'll take a ladder.

Really? You want
to hang out again?

Why not?

Awesome!

So we could do the
storm drain again

or you could come
to my house.

I have a huge dress-up trunk.

Okay, we're not gonna do that,
but I'll come over.

Deal.
Gabe,

come on, bud.

Bye.

If you so much as spit
on the sidewalk...

Yeah, yeah-yeah,
you'll be there, I get it.

Keep in touch.

Oh, bother.

Robby.

I owe you an apology.

I had you all wrong.

You are not like one

of those kids
that I hated.

You're like one of
those kids that I liked

but didn't like me.

I'm very proud of you.

Thanks.

You got it.

Booger monster.

(both blow raspberries)

(sputtering)

Oh, boy.

(grunts)

Oh.

What do you say there,
Schneider?

Best sleepover ever?

GABE:
Dear Mr. Ron,

thank you for the greatest
sleepover of my life.

As a token of my appreciation,
the following is a list

of every speed trap
in the greater Tucson area:

Number one: Josina at Matadero.

Number two:
Montevallo at Pine Ridge.

Number three: Glenn, between
Cortez and Geronimo.

Number four: the first...

(alpaca moans)