Original subtitles

RON: Thank you, Tucson!

RON: Yeah, Jumper, that is a lot of money,

but it's just a little too risky for me. You know, plus...

smuggling Mexican Viagra into the States

just doesn't bode well for this dad gig

I got going on, all right?

But, seriously, it means the world to me

that you thought of me first, all right?

So, call me if anything else comes up.

I got to go. Some kid's looking at me.

Bye.

Mr. Ron, it's me, Gabe-- from Robby's party.

Oh, how could I forget my biggest fan?

You're hilarious, Mr. Ron.

And you look so majestic lying there.

You should be a car model.

Oh, you still got it, don't you, ass-kiss?

Afternoon. Ah, God.

Okay, not... not resisting.

Not resisting.

I swear, Officer, I tried to pay off those tickets,

but the clerk at the desk said all my nickels

had to be in rolls, and I just... I hear you.

I hate those desk jockeys down in Traffic.

Huh?

I'm Derek Thomas, Gabe's dad.

Oh, you're Gabe's dad?

Gabe's dad is a cop.

Which is fantastic. That's great.

You know, I love... I love Law and Order.

It's my favorite show, especially the law part.

Or is it order?

I can't... which part is the cop part?

I don't know, but it... they're all good.

You could make a case for either side.

It's gritty. It's a real show.

Shaky cam-- I like it.

So, anyway, my boy really enjoyed

that playdate that he had with Robby.

Yeah. He's been bugging me to make another one.

Or a, uh, sleepover. Sleepover.

Yeah. I just wish Robby didn't have that disease

where he stops breathing and dies

when his friends sleep over at his house.

That disease seems to be going around.

He's having a little bit of trouble fitting in at school.

Oh, I've been there, man.

One case of head lice,

and even Skidmarks Stevie wouldn't sit with me at lunch.

Hey, Gabe, you know what?

Robby has been cured of that sleepover disease.

What do you say? You want to come over tomorrow night?

My God, yes! Yeah!

Robby, guess what!

You and I are having a sleepover tomorrow!

Your dad invited me.

Isn't this the best day ever?

I've had better.

Thank you, Mr. Ron.

I owe you one.

Yeah? Yeah, no problem.

Looking forward to it.

Oh, my God.

A cop just told me he owes me one.

Yeah, so do I, Mr. Ron.

Whatever.

You're not driving today?

*

Madam President, I'm sorry your husband

was vaporized by the ray beam,

but from where I stood, it was the right call.

These aliens are mad, and they'll stop at nothing

until every living organism is destroyed.

GARY (whispering): Ice caps.

Huh?

You forgot to mention the ice caps.

What?

Cut. What-what are you saying?

Okay, first of all, never say, "Cut."

Only the director says, "Cut."

And I was trying to get you to talk about the ice caps.

We both agreed that our film

would have an environmental message.

Gary, no one is going to care about global warming

if aliens are about to destroy the entire world.

If we want to win the Arizona Young Filmmakers competition,

we need to address the big issues, okay?

Do you want to meet Steven Spielberg or not?

It's a short film.

How much time do we want to waste talking?

Let's just blow stuff up!

No. Let's do another take.

Okay.

And you're on the phone with the president.

And frantic, and lots of energy.

And don't forget the ice caps.

And... action.

Madam President, I'm sorry your husband

was vaporized by the ray beam,

but from where I stood, it was the...

Cut!

Ron, you just walked right in the middle of my shot.

What? And, ew.

Do you always drink right out of the carton?

Relax. My beard doesn't shed this time of year.

(doorbell rings) RON: Oh, you hear that?

That is the sound of a good kid who would never complain

about a few whiskers in his milk.

(groans) I forgot about Gabe sleeping over.

Can we just blow him up? Yeah, yeah, of course you can.

You can blow him up with friendship and inclusion.

How about that? (screaming)

Robby, come on, it's for one night. Just get over it.

Water bug! Water bug on my shoe! Kill it!

Hey, no animals will be harmed during the making of this film.

Whew.

Hello.

Look, I brought Schneider.

He recorded something for this special night. Wow.

GABE'S VOICE: Best sleepover ever!

Wait till the guys meet him.

Hey, hey, you know what? Whoa, whoa.

Why don't we save Schneider for a little bit later, okay?

I-I just don't want Robby to get too excited

right off the bat, you know?

Great forethought, Mr. Ron.

Thank you.

Have a good time, bud. Yeah.

Thanks. I told him that I needed the bear

for a stakeout, but he wasn't buying it.

I'm just happy to help, you know.

Mm-hmm. So, uh, listen, I was thinking

about that thing you said to me yesterday about owing me one.

I mean, you don't, you don't-- seriously, you don't.

It-It just... it got me wondering.

I'd always heard that, uh, if a cop gives you

his business card and writes something on the back of it,

it's kind of like a free pass-- a golden ticket, if you will.

Word is it can get you out of anything

up to and including a Class B felony.

(both laughing)

But that doesn't... that doesn't exist.

That's just a myth, right? Well, you know,

if you are asking me directly-- which you are--

then I can neither confirm nor deny its existence.

Mm-hmm.

Anyway, thank you for having Gabe over.

Yeah.

I'm real grateful.

Oh, hey.

There-there was a wink right there.

Did you have something in your eye,

or are you trying to tell me

that these golden tickets actually exist?

Well, let's just say that this sleepover

could be a real opportunity for you.

And, uh, would you say a golden opportunity?

I can't say.

But if you could...

Ron, connect the dots.

Okay, got it.

I'm getting a golden ticket.

I meant in your head.

Okay.

Okay.

Joker, great news.

I'm getting a golden ticket.

A golden ticket?

Guys like us don't get golden tickets.

I mean, that's for, like, ambassadors or popes.

I know. Exactly.

I'm practically above the law now, man.

I'm like a Kennedy cousin.

Which means that that little business opportunity

we may or may not have discussed earlier

just got a whole lot less risky. What's that?

Joker, think about the thing we talked about yesterday.

JOKER: Uh...

Having to do with Mexico.

And Viagra.

Joker, connect the dots here, man.

Oh, I see. Now that Daddy's got a safety net,

he's ready to take a risk?

Daddy would like to eat a nice steak every once in a while.

He also wouldn't mind floorboards in his car.

Right on. I'll come by tonight.

Sweet. Later.

(voice quavering): Just remember,

when the sun gets too hot,

I fought for you, Earth.

I may have lost,

but damn it, I tried.

(sniffles) Sorry.

So unprofessional.

The global warming stuff just really sold it.

Was there too much blood?

Does it pull the attention away from my face?

There can never be too much blood.

Hey, guys, I did it.

I found 50 perfectly circular rocks,

just like you asked.

Now can I be in your movie?

You could, but that would be a waste of your talents.

What you'd really be good at is security.

Go downstairs and make sure no one bothers us.

But this is an excellent neighborhood.

Who would bother you? You!

Do you have any sevens?

You already asked that.

Go fish.

I feel like you're lying.

How can we play if we can't trust each other?

Come on, Grandpa, you tell all those Casanovas over at the home

this weekend is going to be

"Geriatrics Gone Wild," all right?

Plus, I only take cash.

Safe?

You know, the Mexican FDA is, like,

ten times stricter than ours, so you do the math.

Uh, I'm going to call you back, okay, Gramp?

Okay, bye.

Hi, Mr. Ron.

Hi. Want to join us?

Okay, now, Brandon, on "action,"

you're going to bring your car down the street.

Robby, you're in charge of alien lasers

and the explosion.

And we're rolling.

And the car is moving.

And the lasers are pointing.

And... action!

Awesome.

Damn.

(grunts)

Cut.

RON: You guys,

what did I say about including Gabe?

He's working security.

Yeah, he seems happy down there.

No, he is not happy, all right?

He is losing to himself in a game of "Go Fish."

I-I really need you guys

to be friends for reasons that I...

can't exactly go into right this second.

But Gabe's a dork.

Well, you know what, so was I.

I was a dork, and kids like you made my life miserable.

Okay, well, we're on a tight deadline, dork. All right, that's enough.

You guys are so spoiled, it makes me sick.

I don't care what happened with you and your father.

You guys are just a bunch of rich banker's kids

with absolutely zero compassion.

Who cares what you think?

Yeah, we're not paying you to lecture us.

We're just paying you to be our fake dad.

(gasping)

(recording): Best sleepover ever!

We're screwed. We are so screwed.

He heard everything.

He knows we're paying you to be our fake dad.

This is bad. This is really bad.

Stop saying things twice! Okay, all right, everybody just calm down.

We have to figure this out

before Gabe gets out of the bathroom.

What is the worst-case scenario?

Worst-case scenario?

Gabe tells his dad, who's a cop.

You go to prison for child endangerment.

You're looking at about ten years,

but you'll probably insist on representing yourself,

in which case, you'll get 20.

We'll end up with creepy foster people

who only have room for us under the stairs.

I mean, yeah, sure, they'll let us out once in a while--

when they need a kidney!--

and by the time they're finished with us,

no amount of crack will ever help.

Okay.

Who wants to do a silver lining?

What are we going to do?

I'll tell you what we're going to do.

ALL: Gabe! Hey!

Oh, sorry we had to give you such a hard time before.

You made it through the hazing.

You are now an honorary Gunderson family member. What?

I knew it was something like that.

What do you want to do for the rest of the day? Anything you want.

Sky's the limit.

I want to star in your movie!

You don't have to decide right now.

Take some time to think about it.

(knocking at door) Oh, I'm going to let you boys figure it out

while Papa Gunderson goes and attends

to a friend with really poor timing.

Okay. Okay.

Yeah, Joker.

All right, let's do this quick.

And speak quietly-- I got a cop kid upstairs.

You got the stuff?

Yeah, right here.

(bleats)

Wow.

So, Dr. Seuss wasn't making those things up.

I don't know who that is.

I don't have health care.

These are alpacas.

Alpacas. Yeah.

You don't think I'm going to swallow

1,400 Mexican man-makers.

Yeah. Dude, these guys got, like, three stomachs,

so two of them are just sitting around doing nothing.

All you gotta do is wait for Bella

and Edward to deliver the goods.

Oh, that's it? Mm-hmm.

That's all? Oh, lucky me.

No, no, no, no.

Extraction should be included with delivery.

I'm-I'm distribution only.

Look, Ron, I got a dinner party.

If you want, next time,

I'll sit at home on my butt while you drive

Viagra-filled alpacas

across the border in your station wagon, hmm?

Tell Marcy I said hello.

Thank you.

Hi.

Now, Gabe, remember, this is the big standoff.

You know you're going to die,

but you're going to take a lot of aliens down with you.

It's going to be a bloodbath.

Here's your gun.

No, no gun, no bloodbath.

What? I rewrote the scene.

It just felt a little lazy.

Get this-- instead of blasting away with giant guns,

I'm a tickle ninja.

I appear from the shadows

with my nimble-fingered team

to make everyone giggle and save the world.

Tickle ninjas, assemble!

ROBBY: That's it, I'm out.

Take my name off this piece of crap.

(sighs)

I'm gonna kill him!

I swear, I'll rip his arms off!

Whoa, whoa, okay, hold on there, Chucky.

Before you ruin this for the family, what happened?

Talk to me.

He wants tickle ninjas in our movie.

Tickle ninjas.

Oh, wow, that is a stupid idea,

a-almost as stupid as booger monsters.

That was my idea.

Yeah, I know, and we all hated it, too.

Then you left the room and we made fun of you,

just like you're doing to Gabe right now.

How's that feel? Yeah,

but nobody understood the booger monsters.

They weren't made of boogers,

they could just shoot giant boogers out of their eyes.

Exactly, so maybe there's something

you don't understand about tickle ninjas.

Like what? Like...

Okay, you're right, that's a, that's a terrible idea.

The point is, maybe there's something

you're missing about Gabe, all right?

Sometimes you have to sift through the crap

to get to the good stuff.

That's a metaphor for you.

It's all too literal for me.

*

No, everything did not go well, Joker.

I got alpaca poo underneath my fingernails.

Yeah, well, Bella came through like a champ,

but Edward had a little breakdown on the colon highway.

Bunch of balloons broke between stomach two and three,

and now we lost a chunk of our little blue moneymakers.

I don't know how it affected him.

I'm not going to check under the hood.

He seems fine.

(alpaca moaning) No, I locked Bella in the shed to make sure.

(doorbell rings) Hang on a sec.

Oh, my God, I got to go, I got to go.

Uh, just one sec!

I'll be there in one second!

Hang on!

Come here, you little smurfs.

H-Hey, hey, Derek.

Sorry about the wait, had to stash my drugs.

(both laugh)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, got a warrant?

(both laugh)

How's Gabe?

Oh, he's good, good, good.

This was a big night for him.

Yeah, well, I got to tell you, you got a great kid there.

He's welcome anytime.

In fact, if you say the word, I'll just drop everything

and speed right over there to get him.

Well, I could really speed if I didn't have to worry

about being hassled by local cops

who don't know how much I love your son.

(laughs)

But seriously, I did throw out my library card,

cleared a little space in my wallet right there.

Know what?

I don't have any business cards on me, but definitely,

the next time our boys get together, I will hook you up.

Right, okay, but it doesn't,

it doesn't have to be on a business card, right?

I mean, I got a house

full of p-paper products.

Or a library card.

I think next time would be better.

You know, maybe we can get 'em together

for, like, a whole weekend thing.

Wow.

You really make a guy work for it, huh? Well, it is

a golden ticket. Mmm.

If... it exists.

Right. If it exists.

Where's Gabe? Which it does. What?

Now, Gabe, remember, you've found

the one thing aliens fear: moist darkness.

You're leading the last of humanity

into the safety of the country's extensive

storm drain system,

where, um, you're going to build

an underground city out of refuse and recyclables.

And action.

Come on, people of Earth.

Our last hope resides in the safety of the underworld.

Follow me if you want to live.

He's good.

I will not forget you, Rebecca.

Who's Rebecca?

He added a love interest to round out the character.

I don't hate it.

And I will not rest until every last alien has been destroyed.

(splash)

Oops! I dropped Schneider!

GABE: He's floating away!

Gabe, forget the bear, come back.

No, Schneider just ate.

He shouldn't be swimming.

Shouldn't they be back by now?

Yeah, yeah, I think they're just probably caught up

in making their little film.

You know, young filmmakers.

(loud bang, Ron clears throat)

What the hell was that?

Could you be more specific?

(banging continues)

Oh, oh, that.

That is a super-horny alpaca, slamming itself into my shed.

Rugelach?

(banging loudly) Wow.

He is really going after that shed.

Anything we can do to help him?

Nothing I'm willing to do.

H-How did you get into...?

You know, I got to tell you,

I love my work, I love my boys,

but I really don't feel like my life had much meaning

before I found a way to make a difference

rescuing sexually-addicted alpacas.

(banging continues)

There's an issue even Bono won't sing about.

(banging continues)

(alpaca moaning)

(sighs)

Lost in a storm drain? W-What?

When I asked you guys to take care of him, I didn't mean Mafia-style.

How am I going to explain this to the guy downstairs

with, like, three guns and a Taser?

Don't stress. Gabe will be fine.

The storm drain probably empties out

into a beautiful lake somewhere.

Oh, yeah, totally, with ponies and rainbows, yeah.

We have to find him; this is Gabe we're talking about.

He gets scared putting on a hoodie.

Wow, it does have a heart.

I just wish you'd grown it

before you lost a cop kid down the sewer.

Hey, I found the storm drain schematics.

We can intercept Gabe at Cuesta Verde Estates.

Ron, you stay here and stall his father.

Let's move it.

Whoa, whoa, hold up there,

Tom Cruise.

Where did you find a storm drain schematic?

There's more than just porn on the Internet.

That's not true, is it?

This footage will be awesome for our big chase scene.

And that...

is the slowest way to make an Austrian Linzer torte.

Okay, let's move on to soufflés.

I'm getting a call about some kids who are messing

with a storm drain over at Cuesta Verde Estates.

I'll come back for Gabe, okay?

Uh, hold on, hold on, uh...

Hol-- I know a mind-blowing shortcut

to get to the Cuesta Verde, okay?

or the CV--

that's what we called it back in high school.

This is impossible.

We're never gonna find him.

Maybe he doesn't want to be found.

Which would be great

because it would solve the whole

Gabe-knowing-about- our-fake-dad thing.

(singing echoes distantly) Wait, shh,

I think I hear something.

GABE: * I'm all right

* I'm okay

* Everybody loves me

* Every day.

Gabe, Gabe, it's me!

God?

No, it's Gary.

Where are you?

I don't know, I-I'm in

a happy place, a-a dark, scary, happy place.

Okay, well, stay there.

We're coming to get you. (groans)

No, Gary...

,,,this is my playdate.

Water bugs.

Why did it have to be water bugs?

We can't reach you.

(grunting)

GARY: Stay there.

We'll be back.

(sighs)

I always knew I would die with you.

Dispatch, I am bottomed out on a dead-end dirt road

that does not appear on any map.

A friend gave me a bogus shortcut,

but he is going to feel real bad about it.

I'm sorry, Gabe.

We just wanted you to have a good time.

That's nice. No, we were only being nice

because you heard our secret

about paying Ron to be our fake dad

and we didn't want you to tell your dad.

Oh.

Okay... now I'm going to tell you something.

You've only met one of my dads.

What do you mean?

Connect the dots.

Oh.

Yeah, well,

now you know my dad's secret and I know yours.

(thudding)

(grunting)

Howdy, boys.

The cavalry's here.

(Ron groans)

Gabe, you smell terrible.

Shortcut, huh?

Derek.

You see this, Ron?

What? What's that?

That's your golden ticket.

No!

If you ever so much as step outside of a crosswalk,

I'm going to be there.

If you have a broken taillight,

I'm going to be there.

Even if you do nothing, I'm going to be there.

ROBBY: You walked around

in the dark with rats and snakes

and spiderwebs.

That's so cool.

We should go down there again.

But, next time, we'll take a ladder.

Really? You want to hang out again?

Why not?

Awesome!

So we could do the storm drain again

or you could come to my house.

I have a huge dress-up trunk.

Okay, we're not gonna do that, but I'll come over.

Deal. Gabe,

come on, bud.

Bye.

If you so much as spit on the sidewalk...

Yeah, yeah-yeah, you'll be there, I get it.

Keep in touch.

Oh, bother.

Robby.

I owe you an apology.

I had you all wrong.

You are not like one

of those kids that I hated.

You're like one of those kids that I liked

but didn't like me.

I'm very proud of you.

Thanks.

You got it.

Booger monster.

(both blow raspberries)

(sputtering)

Oh, boy.

(grunts)

Oh.

What do you say there, Schneider?

Best sleepover ever?

GABE: Dear Mr. Ron,

thank you for the greatest sleepover of my life.

As a token of my appreciation, the following is a list

of every speed trap in the greater Tucson area:

Number one: Josina at Matadero.

Number two: Montevallo at Pine Ridge.

Number three: Glenn, between Cortez and Geronimo.

Number four: the first...

(alpaca moans)