All language subtitles for Sons.of.Tucson.S01E02_Ensh

RON:
Thank you, Tucson!

I know we can't slow down,
we can't hold back

(on radio): Though you know
we wish we could
(groaning)

No, there ain't no rest
for the wicked

Until we close our eyes
for good.
(groaning)

RADIO ANNOUNCER:
Man, it's a scorcher out there!

And I know we say this
every day...

Oh, you gotta be
kidding me.

...really is going to be
the hottest day of the year...

(radio distorting and dying)

Come on!

The deal is you sleep
in the shed.

I told you that when we got you.

You're an outside dad.

I know, but it's
too hot in there.

I feel like bacon frying.

You guys are little kids, okay?
You need your fake dad

living in the house
to help take care of you.

You smell.
You think I smell now, buddy?

Wait till I've been
dead for five days.

Ron, we'll buy you
a new fan at the yard sale.

I did see some pretty cool stuff

at the pre-sale viewing.
Hi!

Why can't we just
go to a store?

It's 150 degrees out here.

This is the reason
God created indoor malls.

Ron, we're trying to look
like a real family.

Real families do stuff
like go to yard sales.

Besides, we're still
on damage control

after you picked up
the wrong kid from swim class.

Okay, in my defense,
that little girl

looked a lot like
Robby from behind.

Ron, stop bitching
and start acting like a father.

Now, here's $20 for the fan.

I expect to see some change.

I'm looking for a gun
or a sword,

whichever's cheaper.

Well, why don't you just take
a look in that box over there?

Hi!

Hey, Ron Gunderson.

These are toys, lady!

Did you hear me ask for toys?!

(chuckles)
What a frightening little boy.

Oh, my God, oh, God.
What?

I know that woman, I, uh...

Looking away isn't gonna
make me disappear, Ron.

Hey, what, hey, Angela!

I didn't see you there.

I was just,
uh, looking at this box

of naked Barbie Dolls.

Why don't they ever
have clothes on?
What are you doing

in a neighborhood
where people pay taxes?

Hey, Dad, who's
your angry friend?

Uh, not now, Brandon.

I'm sorry, "Dad"?
You don't have kids.

BRANDON:
Yeah, he does.

He's got me and two others.

Ron, how is
this possible?

You didn't have kids
three years ago.

Mm-hmm, no, no, no, I know.

Not that you knew of, no.

The truth is I had the
boys before I met you.

It was just a little
too painful to talk about.

It was kind of a
turkey baster situation

without the turkey baster.

Yeah, Lorraine didn't want a
husband, but she sure as heck

wanted the kids, so I'd fly up
there every once in a while

to Seattle and
I-M-P-R-E-G...

A-N... N... E...

You know where I'm going
with this, right?

So, but, uh, happy ending,

she got hooked on meth
and I got the kids, so, hey.

So, how do you guys
know each other?

Uh, actually, Angela
married my best friend.

Uh, who I haven't
seen in a while.

Why is that, Angela?

Funny story.

Your dad ruined my wedding.

At the reception, he, um,
"made friends" with my mom.

That's right, what a night.

Oh, actually I "made friends"
with her twice.

And then I made
"partial friends" with her

in the clubroom before
the out-of-towners brunch.

I found her bra
in the chocolate fountain.

Anyway, after that
one little incident,

Angela decided that
I could never, ever

see my best friend again.

So, uh, I haven't.

How is he, how's Glenn doing?

He's dead.
GLENN:
Ron!

To you.

Glenn, buddy, hey!

How are you, man?!

How you doing? Come here!
God, I missed you.

Come here.

Is she looking at us?
Right at us.

Okay, I'm putting my
card in your pocket.

It has my new cell number.

Okay?
I got it, yes.

That was nice.

It is a shame that we will not
be hanging out together soon.

Well, you disrespected
my wife, Ron.

I did.

That means you disrespected me.

Glenn, shut up
and come over here.

Somebody's trying to buy
that hula lamp I want!

Well, gotta go.

Talk to you soon, buddy.

Oh, yeah, I'll call you.
Hey,

did you hear about
the Campbells?
No.

Their house got broken
into last night.

Very scary.

I didn't want to say anything
in front of your kids.

No, thank you, yeah, that
would've freaked them out.

Probably be afraid to be
in the house alone.

I hear they took everything.

Yeah, that is fantastic.

Okay, thank you, thank you.

Anyway I get mine

I get mine

I get mine...

Wow, these vampires

are a lot more morally
complex than I thought.

You bought Twilight
at the yard sale?

Please! You want some
sparkly lip gloss with that?

You know what, just
play with your G.I. Joes

and read your comic books

and be whatever the world
expects you to be.

You are one weird kid.

Oh, yeah?
What'd you got?

A heart-rate monitor

and an awesome 1950's hula lamp.

Right, I'm the weird one.

I need this to get my
heart rate under control.

Running a household
is very stressful.

This thing says I have a
heart rate of a 17 year old.

See!
(monitor beeping rapidly)

You pushed me out of
my healthy heart zone.

Hey, hi, guys.

Whoa, it's so cool
in here, huh?

Anyway, uh, I just came in

to remind you guys that
it's trash day tomorrow.

Okay, and, um, also
there's been a bunch

of violent break-ins
in the neighborhood,

but don't worry,
these guys never kill kids.

Or, uh, is it they
always kill kids?

I don't know, it's one or
the other, I can't remember.

But anyway, I will be out
there in my shed sleeping.

Have a good night.

Maybe we should let Ron
stay in the house for a while.

No way, we can't trust that guy.

For all we know,
he could be the burglar.

So, what are we gonna do
if someone tries to break in?

We could just use this.

Whoa!
Relax, the safety's on.

Or maybe it's off.

No, it's just broken.

RADIO ANNOUNCER:
Look out, Tucson,

forecast for tomorrow,
blazing hot... again.

GLENN:
So, you live in this shed.

Yeah.

And those kids are paying you
to be their fake dad

while their real
dad is in prison?

Yep, you got it.

Wow, this totally tops

your pretending
to be blind for a year.

Oh, my God, you remember that?

"What a lovely voice.

"I just need to touch you so
I can tell what you look like."

(laughing)

Oh, those were "GT's."

Good times, buddy,
you and me were like

peanut butter and jelly.

Me and you, you know,
like ying and...

That other thing.
Yeah.

You know, I miss
those crazy days with you.

But I don't miss waking up
hung over in Nova Scotia

with a harpoon in my hand.

Those Japanese whalers
could not take a joke.

Touchy.
It's a touchy culture, yeah.

But, um, the truth is,
Glenn, you know,

I've actually turned
a bit of a page myself.

I'm settled down.

I like it, there's a lot less
craziness in my life.

To less craziness.
You said it.

To less craziness.

So, listen, I'm gonna need
you to break into my house

and scare the crap
out of my fake kids.

What?
It's simple.

You break into the house,
I scare you off

and the kids are suckered
into believing that

they need someone
in there to protect them.

It's breaking and entering.

No, it's not.

You know I left
that life behind.

Glenn, no, see, this is
not a real robbery.

This is a fake robbery.

Also, I just remembered the
other thing is yang, it's yang.

I can't do that.
Yes, you can.

I'm married now, I...

I work at an
insurance company.

And according to Angela,
my life's pretty good.

Listen,

we are talking about those three
innocent lovely kids in there.

They just, they need someone in
the house who acts like a dad.

That is the only reason
I would ever ask you

to break in and terrify them.

Well, if it's for the kids.

Of course it's for the kids.

Now I feel bad I didn't
realize it was for the kids.

Don't feel bad,
but it's for the kids, yeah.

I'll do it.

Oh, my God, you are
the man, thank you.

How are you gonna
get away from Angela?

Look, I wear the pants
in the family.

ANGELA:
Glenn, are you back there?

That's her, okay,
you gotta hide me.

She thinks I'm out
getting fro-yo!

Come here, go.

Where is he?
Oh, hello, sunshine.

Oh, come on, I know he
snuck out to see you.
Who?

Fro-yo my ass.

The hell is this place,
who lives here?

Nobody, nobody lives here.

What are you...

No, no, I put the bed here

because, uh, it's
my photo studio.

Yeah, I've been focusing
on boudoir photography.

Tasteful stuff, soft lighting.

I don't need to hear
about your smutty hobby.

Okay.
Just, if you see him,

stay away from him.
Okay.

Hi.

The double check?
Yep.

Don't go to prom
with him, Bella.

I know he's hunky and handsome,
but he will eat you alive!

You know we can hear you
talking to your book, Buffy.

Hail.

Dude, it's me.

We are go in 30 seconds.

Affirmative.
Are you outside?

I am under the muted stars
of an inky

black night.

Have you been drinking?

Affirmative.

I always drink before a job.

And I crank up
the Alanis Morissette.

Are you sure this

is a good idea?
No, wait.

I gotta get moving
before the Coors kicks in.

No. Glenn, Glenn...

It's go time!

Uh, Glenn, Glenn...

(crash)

Yes.

Stay away from my kids...!

(gasps)

(motor revving)

You loud misleading
monster truck rally.

(rapid beeping)
What the hell...?!

(sighs)

(slow steady beeping)

What the hell, Ron?

Okay.

Obviously, I, uh, thought
that I heard the burglar.

I didn't. Uh...

and my instinct was to run
in here and protect you.

And how about that
response time, huh?

So... just something
to think about.

Truckasaurus kicks ass
on this one, by the way.

What are you
talking about?

How the hell did you
rob the wrong house?

I never should've
finished

that four pack of Mike's
Hard on the way over.

No.
I guess I'm getting rusty.

But bright side, I was
only off by one house.

Not seeing the bright side here,
Glenn.

Do you see it now?

Look what I scored
last night.

Oh, yeah, it's Jimmy Carter,
and he's electroplated.

Angela's going
to love it.

What am I going to love?
What?

'Cause it's not seeing
you two together.

Oh, hi, honey.

I-I was just cleaning
the garage,

and then he was
walking by,

and made me talk to him.
Yep.

(clears throat)
Here, I got you a present.

Why are you giving me this?

Love?
Okay,

this does not make up for you
getting outbid on the hula lamp.

And you left
your nail clippings

all over the arm
of the couch.
Uh-oh.

I'll get to it.

Soon.

Maybe now?

Yeah, now's good.

See you later.

See you later, Glenn.
Huh-uh.

Ma'am?

What is going on
with my husband?

I have...
He snuck out two nights
in a row. Last night,

he came home all
sweaty and flushed

with some lame excuse
about sleep jogging.

He is walking around
with a spring in his step.

Something is making him happy,
and it damn well isn't me.

Is he having
an affair?
Absolutely not.

Then what else could he
possibly be up to at night?

It-It could be an affair.

Yeah.
We are trying

to have kids, and he is
out there with some...

That sperm belongs to me, Ron.

That is my sperm!

Hey, I'm not gonna
fight you for it.

Help yourself.

Yeah, hi.

This is the third time
I'm calling from Sport Space.

Nobody's fixed
our air conditioner.

What?

Who am I?
I'm John Sport Space, and I'm...

The house next door to us

just got hit
last night.

You're in.

Oh, yeah, baby.

Oh, sweet mother. Oh.

I knew you'd come around.

Oh. Bank error in my favor.

I got to go.

(grunts)

(beeping)

(sighs)

That is what I'm talking about.

(sighs)

He's out there somewhere.

Oh, don't you worry, Robby.

I'm gonna be in the house
from now on to protect you.

I don't want you to protect me.

I want the robber to get in,

so I can cut off his ear
and send it back

to his gang
as a warning.

Mm, that's fine.
Trying to watch TV here.

Hey, Ron?

Oh. Hey, Brandon.

You're here now.

I-I kind of thought
this was my room.

Can I talk to
you for a sec?

I can't...

I can't really pause
this TV, so...

Okay. Go ahead.

Okay, well, every culture tells
stories of the living dead.

Now, do you think it's really
possible that vampires wa...

Absolutely.

Really?
Because it seems to me...

Brandon, look at me.

Anything is possible.

Follow your dreams.

Okay.

Good night.

Mm-hmm. Hey, let's go ahead
and punch that AC down to 60

on the way out.

(beeping)

Ron, could you
clean up just a bit?

Yeah, you got it, R2-D2.

(sighs)

(knocking)
Oh, come on.

There are only three of them!

Glenn. No! No!
No! No! No!

I don't need you to rob
the house anymore. Also,

could you just call me? I'm not
really allowed to have guests.

This can't wait.

I just hit two places,

and I was on my way
to hit a third

when I realized--
what am I doing?

I haven't even
thanked Ron yet.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no.
I've knocked you off the wagon.

That wasn't supposed
to be a real robbery.

It was supposed to be
like a near beer.

Oh, I've done a bad thing.

Well, I
disagree, sir.

And so does
Steven Tyler.

Are you kidding me?

This is what you're risking
everything for?

Your life? Your marriage?

For bobble heads?
Not just
bobble heads.

All sorts of knickknacks.

Got tchotchkes and
doodads and bric-a-brac.

See, it's not about dollar
amount anymore, okay?

It's about taking
a risk, okay?

It's about dancing
next to the fire.

(inhales and
exhales deeply)

I didn't realize how
much I missed this.

Whoa. Okay, Glenn,

I am begging you
as your best friend,

you got to stop
doing this.
No.

How can I? Because if I stop
stealing, I stop living.

And I'm gonna live... all
over this neighborhood.

No.
(shouting):
And it's all
because of you!

Glenn!

Now I got to stand up
to change the channel.

Where have you been?

I've been out all night
looking for the burglar again.

You're welcome.

What?! That's crap.

You were probably out all night
with your friend Glenn again,

and we got problems.

His wife keeps calling here,
and while you were out

goofing off,
three more homes got hit.

I can't live with this
kind of stress, Ron.

You've got
to burglar-proof our house.

I can't.

I-I can't.

I just need one hour of blessed
sleep before my shift.

(knocking and doorbell ringing)

Ron?

Oh, my God, it's Angela.
Don't answer.
Get rid of her.

We can't have her here asking
questions and snooping around.

Just-Just... Just be quiet,
okay? Maybe she'll go away.

(beeping)
Brandon, don't be tense.
Don't be tense.

That little heart thing
is gonna give us a way.

Just... No,
take it off.
And risk a
coronary?

I'd like to see
my twenties, Ron.

Why are you such a weird
little kid? Just...

Whoa.

She's looking at you.

No. The door...
the door's stuck.

It's broken. I can't
let you in. (mumbles)

You fixed it.
Thank you.
I need to talk
to you.

Me?
Yeah, well, if Glenn had any
other friends, I'd talk to them,

but you're it, and
I'm pretty sure I can break you.

I haven't seen him.

Oh, really?
Yeah.

Well....

Well, neither have I.

He didn't come home
at all last night.

Whoa.

I've never seen this
side of you before.

It's making me
really uncomfortable.

What does she have
that I don't have?

(crying)
I can't breathe.

I need some water.
Just a sec.

I'll get you a glass.

Or some paprika.

You don't know where
the water glasses are?

Yes, of course I know
where the water glasses are.

They are right here...

Who put the can goods
where the glassware belongs?

It's my pet peeve!

Oh, why don't you just
have a juice box instead?

It's got the straw
attached already.

You don't need
any more trouble in your life.

Something's not
right here.

(whispers):
Get her out.

Not right? What?

How long has it been since
you've been in a happy home?

Oh. You know,
that breaks my heart.

You know what? Let me
give you some advice

to save your marriage.

You need to go away from here,

and you don't come back ever.

That part is critical.
What? Why?

Because Glenn is gonna need you
to be there when he comes back,

and he will, Angela, because
you are a beautiful woman.

No. You are.

I didn't interrupt you.

You didn't?

No.
Okay, uh,

just try paying a little more
attention to him, you know?

I mean, make him feel like

you never want him
to leave the house.

In fact, don't let him
ever leave the house.

Jail him in your love.

I like the idea
of not letting him leave.

I bet you do.
You know what else?

Try something
a little different.

Spice it up.
Wear some slutty lingerie.

All right, we've got
ourselves a plan.

Come on, let's get you back

to a happy
and healthy relationship,

shall we?

And you've met Robby,
haven't you?

Mm-hmm.

Let's try the front door.

(laughs)

And this is the
garage, by the way.

It's nice, double car.

What the hell, Ron?

Are you lost
in your own house?

No, no, no, no. I'm
just giving you a tour

to help take your mind off your
heartbreaking problem, okay?

Now for the
grand finale--

the actual front door.

Go home, make sweet
love to your husband,

and do not be
afraid to role-play.

Role-play?
(sighs)

Crap!

(sitar music playing)

VOICE ON TAPE:
Namaste.

You are a cloud above the ocean.

The ocean is calm...

We need to talk
about the burglaries.

Okay, look,

I'm just gonna
put this out there.

All of the break-ins
took place at night.

Now, that in itself
isn't significant,

but add that to the fact
that no one has reported

seeing the thief's reflection
in a mirror.

Also possible
with a human,

but here's
the kicker.

Nothing of value
is ever taken.
(beeping)

Could this not be
the work of a vampire

who's breaking
into homes,

sucking the blood
of human beings,

and then stealing
worthless trinkets

to make it look like
the act of a petty thief?

Shut up, fruitcake!

(rapid beeping)

Damn it! Thought
I had this thing licked.

(beeping continues)

(beeping stops)

There. Problem solved.

(sighs)

Angela, this one's for you.

(door opening)

(snoring)

(door closes)

(stairs creak)

I knew you couldn't resist.

(sighs)

(heavy sigh)

Look, I'm sorry, man.

I-I know it's wrong to
hit a friend's house.

Especially the friend

who just did you
the biggest favor of your life.

Huh?

Took off your shackles, man.

Angela thought you were having
an affair, I tried to save

your marriage, then I thought...
(blows a raspberry)

So, I called her at work,
said, "Angela, it's Ron.

Glen is stealing
again."
No.

Yes. "And he's not gonna stop
for anyone."

No.
"You got to get out
of this relationship now."

You told her
to leave me?
I did.

'Cause now it's just you
and me and freedom, buddy.

I'm living in the house,
you can have the shed.

You can steal all you want.

I don't want to steal,
you idiot!

So you'll stop?

What have you done?

What have I done?

(gasps)

This is all my fault.

(sighs)
Oh... Oh, God.

I lost Angela.

This is the rock bottom
you always hear about.

GLENN (crying):
Oh, God!

What am I doing?

I just couldn't stop myself.

I know it's evil,
but once I tasted it again...

It's all because
of this uncontrollable craving.

Oh, God!

I'm a monster!

Oh. Oh, vampire.

I can't believe this.

I just lost everything.

And for what?

A few cheap thrills.

My life is over.

Yeah, you're right.
It is over.

Or at least it
would have been

if I had actually
called Angela at work.

Huh? What?

I didn't call her, man.
Are you kidding me?

You're my best friend. I just...

You were spinning out.
I had to give you some kind

of shock treatment
to shake you up.
You mean, she's not gonna...?

No.
So, you were just
teaching me a...

Yes.
Oh, Ron,
can we just...?

Hug?

You know it.

I was gonna say grab a beer,
but this is good, too.

Okay, so you gonna
stop this stupid crap?

Yes. I will never,
ever steal anything again.

Good.
(whoops)

I think I really dodged
a bullet this time.

I'll save you, Ron!

Dibs on his ear!

(yelling)

(blow strikes)
GLENN:
Oh, please don't kill me!

BRANDON:
It doesn't count as killing

if you're already dead,
bloodsucker.

GLENN:
What's in that sock?! Ooh!

(beeping)

Oh, finally.

Hey, Ron, you comfortable?

Yeah, I am, thank you.

It's nice being
in the house, huh?

So nice.

Can I get
you a drink?

How about a drink?

Yeah. Wow.

That would be
incredible, Gary.

Thank you.

Well, we got
plenty of water

in the hose outside!

(groans)
Brandon

told me everything.

You're back in the shed.
I'm sorry, Ron.

I did try to
save your life.

Yeah.

At least someone got hurt.

Fine. Okay.
You know what? Fine!

I'll leave. You win, okay?

But just for the record,

those kitchen cabinets
are very poorly organized.

(Ron grunts)

(loud thudding
and clattering)

Ooh!

Damn it, Robby,
clean up your marbles!